Paperwork
Celestia glanced over the papers again and again… they just never ended. Sure she was the ruler of Equestria and grant it she was the pony with the final say, but with each passing year the paper work seemed to grow as her responsibilities…
Shaking hooves at the Grand Galloping Gala. Having to deal with bureaucracy… having to sign off papers sent by bureaucracy. Having to sign papers as somepony in bureaucracy filled out the wrong paper work or for the wrong amount leaving a town that only needed two trees with two hundred extra cider trees so that they would get the needed budget for next year.
The last four disasters that struck Equestria Celestia weren't even stopped by her as she had to let Twilight and her friends deal with the situation as she prepared the proper paperwork to deal with the aftermath!
Cadance was supposed to help, but she was mostly playing match maker and then it was the wedding. When she finally seemed ready to take over the dreaded paperwork King Sombra decided to reappear and force Candace to take care of the Crystal Kingdom instead of taking care of the dreaded bureaucracy Celestia was stuck with.
Luna came back… but when she wasn’t getting used to Equestria she was trying to make a population that only knew her in old mares tales to understand that Luna and Nightmare Moon are not the same pony… and a few still didn’t know who Luna was.
Celestia frowned as the paperwork that was supposed to ended up creating a gradual preparation to get Equestria ready for her sister’s return was set for another one hundred years into the future. Instead of getting Equestria ready for her sister's return all it managed to do was get those pesky stories about Nightmare Moon back in the open again.
Celestia sighed. Not even if she gave them a hundred years in advance to get something done they always seem to drag their hooves.
Luna wasn’t the right candidate to take over Celestia’s paper work as the dreaded eldritch monster of Bureaucracy started to take notice of Luna and tried to ready it’s quills and scrolls to drown Luna under paper work just as soon as it figured out which triplicate form was required to do so along with the "proper" orientation and regulation of how the night sky should look. By the time Luna was ready to take over Celestia’s own paper work would be when the dreaded Bureaucracy of Equestria would strike her with her own load of papers to deal with.
Celestia felt rather proud when Twilight became an alicorn and slightly guilty that this made the perfect opportunity to let Twilight learn about the wonders of Bureaucracy as her obsessive habits of lists, checklists, papers, and making sure everything was properly organized would finally be the weapon Celestia could wield at the dreaded creature called Bureaucracy and finally slay it…
Only for it to strike Twilight before she was ready and handed her a magic table that required her to be ready at any moment to solve an obscure problem… or have one her friends do it as Twilight gave them the stamp of approval and sighed not being allowed to go on the adventure.
It was like Bureaucracy for foals in a sense and sadly the quill pushers were already drafting up rough drafts and legal documentation to deal with a magical table and the needed paper in order to use, solve, and deal with any request that it made.
They were making paperwork for a table.
Celestia glanced at the old interdimensional magic mirror crafted by Star Swirl The Bearded as a crazy idea began to form in her head.
Surely there had to be a universe out there that managed to slay this infernal demon… without being on fire or having everypony struggle in a post-apocalyptic world that would either die out or end up reviving the dreaded demon of Bureaucracy again.
But that was the thought of desperate mad mares.
“We just received another list of…” The Raven glanced around the massive stack of papers to see an empty throne “Uh… Celestia?”
Celestia face hoofed as she looked at the world around her. It was so orderly as the kingdom looked peaceful. Celestia even got a meeting with the ruler… who sadly didn’t have the answers Celestia was looking for.
Queen Twilight sat on the throne as she went through the check list “And here it is! Interdimensional leader of a foreign land!” Twilight smiled “Is your kingdom under attack or is some dark ruler from your land preparing to invade our land… or are you?”
Celestia sighed “I should have realized it as soon as I walked into this room.”
The moon was high above the sky as the Night Guard led Celestia into the throne room of Nightmare Moon except this evil version had ruled for over a thousand years. Celestia waited for the twisted mockery of her sister to finish laughing so she could cut straight to the point.
“You caught me. Good for you.” Celestia muttered in boredom “Now if I can just ask one question?”
Nightmare Moon shouted in triumph “Too late dear sister for the night shall last FOREVER!”
“I really don’t care.” Celestia added to Nightmare Moon’s shock “Just… how do you deal with the paperwork?”
Nightmare Moon held a hoof into the air and started to look worried “I… uh…”
Celestia stared at her evil alternate sister as she started to worry “You ruled for a thousand years in a kingdom ruled by the night… how do you deal with the paper work?”
Nightmare Moon put her hooves together “Don’t you want to defy my rule… try to bring back the day?”
Raven’s alternate appeared shaking her head “If she isn’t going to make a climactic battle than there are still countless forms to fill out.”
Nightmare Moon whined like a little foal “But she’s my sister! In one thousand years she escapes from her confines to battle me in an attempt to end the Eternal Night.”
Raven Alt scoffed “And under the agreement with the Nightly Collation under sub-section D of the Griffin accord agreement the daylight shall not last for more than four hours to allow plants to grow and ensure that we do not lose our…”
Celestia sighed as she walked away as Nightmare Moon shouted “Come on fight me! I’ll even let you take a free shot!”
Celestia stared at the remains of Tirek’s rule. Grant it Celestia didn’t think his rule would be… good considering he wanted to devour magic and become the ruler of everything, but she just didn’t expect it to be so…
Tirek was now the size of a mountain. A massive wooden desk as Celestia could almost swear that a small city rested inside the massive wooden structure. Now Tirek wore a black suit with a red tie and a pair of square glasses over his face.
Tirek glanced down from his massive wooden desk “Laugh and I’ll stomp on you.”
Celestia glanced at the large stacks of papers “No offense, but I thought you sought power to rule and your…”
Tirek rolled his eyes “It worked for the first few years… then since nothing was regulating the sun and the moon I had to take over. Then I tried finding food only to find a shortage of it.”
Celestia rubbed her chin “Don’t you eat magic or something?”
Tirek sighed “That only works when the races have magic so I had to regulate the plants and weather so they could regain their strength. Then I had to regulate the seasons, and the accumulation of magic, then the distribution of magic…”
Celestia glanced at the other races carrying more paper work as Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
Celestia couldn't help but ask “Surely there was another way?”
Tirek snorted in amusement “Not unless I wanted to live in a cave and sleep for most of the years only to rampage across the land like a wild beast.”
Celestia walked away from Tirek as some politician started talking about the proper distribution of magic to help increase growth revenues as another one started lobbing for their race to have a greater percentage of the overall magic he was handing out.
Celestia banged her head against the ivory walls after running into herself. Apparently this version of herself had gone mad with grief and tried conquering the lands to fill the empty void in her heart.
One would think that such a dark and militaristic future would be free of paperwork. Instead she was now being lectured by her depressed and militant doppelganger about how silly such a thought would be.
Alt Celestia ranted on “The proper amount of weapons need to be sent to the active engagement zones. Even then the amount of food needed to be grown and turned into preserves need the proper shipping papers to ensure they arrive at the right area before they spoil.”
Alt Celestia shook her head as she added more ink to the rubber stamp “And don’t get me even started on the conquest area. New rules need to be set with punishments and the proper order to get the needed materials to repair the ruined cities and of course the slave labor industry to keep track of any attempt of an area trying to revolt.”
“Come on!” Celestia begged the next ruler “Your just a bunch of love sucking bugs!”
Queen Chrysalis simply rose one of her eyebrows “You do realize that in order to continue our society we required a certain amount of love. If we drain too much we run into a shortage. If we let them run wild they form wild tribal communities trying to overthrow us.”
The bug queen sighed “You wouldn’t believe how annoying it is to get the right areas ready for their capture and ensure we didn’t accidently cocoon somepony’s grandma and place it near their loyalist grandson to start the seeds of yet another underground tribal resistance.”
She frowned as she started filling out another form “Sure they sometime create a beautiful type of love, but most of them are too far paranoid and the ones that actually get together have some sort of…” Chrysalis sighed “Another tragic lover’s couple who decided to eat some poisoned berries rather be possibly being captured. Honestly most of them die before they can even be harvested.”
One would think that running around in a post grim dark universe where magic went wild as ponies were forced to fight for their lives to keep their intergalactic space kingdom under their control would be slightly interesting if it wasn’t such a lousy place to live.
The pony named Triple Point proved her wrong “And under the sixteenth accords on the Celestia accords crafted on holy Eques itself the proper disposal for an unregistered alicorn is death by flamethrowers!”
The pony named Double Font argued against Triple Point's case “True but under the reform on the Nightmare wars and the creation of the golden throne the proper disposal for an unregistered alicorn is death by blasters!”
One of the guard ponies dragged herself into the room with her front legs and screamed “The Zebracorns have broken through the walls! We need the cleansing fire of the orbital array before they can spread out again!”
Triple Point scoffed “You have yet to use your last pre-requested use of the orbital array and until such time it has been used you're not allowed another one.”
The guard pony shouted in rage “Then let me use it!”
Double Font shook her head “But according to the documentation you are only allowed to use it if the enemy is Paraspritans or World Devourers. Zebracorns by their nature are invaders who seek to conquer planets or unleash some obscure ritual. They are not classified as Devourers of Worlds."
The guard pony screamed in frustration as the sounds of battle grew ever closer to the building. She pointed a hoof at Celestia “Can I at least use the alicorn! I’m pretty sure she could cut down half of the enemy forces or at the very least provide some moral!”
Triple Point shook his head “Of course not. She’s unregistered and must be killed by flamethrowers.”
Double Fount shook his head “No blasters is the proper disposal.”
The Guard Pony banged her head against they wall “The Zebracorns have blasters and flamethrowers! Let’s have them do it!”
The two bureaucrats gasped in horror “You would dare let a filthy xenos kill an Alicorn! Robotron! Shoot this traitor on sight!”
A massive robotic alicorn popped out of the wall “Death to the unfaithful.”
The Guard Pony screamed in frustration “Can’t you send that thing to attack the enemy!”
Triple Point shook his head “Of course not. Robotrons are only to be used in the case of traitors spouting heresy. If you spoke of defection then we would have to call down a space ship so that you could be spaced which would require a lot more paper work.”
Celestia kicked the overgrown robot over and lifted up the mare “Want to be stuck in a different reality?”
The Guard pony glanced at the two bureaucrats panicking as they tried to find the proper papers to mark down the damage done to the robot... expect instead of being allowed to kill a heretic they had only just been saved by an unregistered alicorn during an alien invasion…
“How many times has this happened?” Celestia couldn’t help but ask in morbid curiosity
A zebra appeared out of nowhere wielding a large purple like lance on her side “More than you would think. I’ll take care of the paper pushers just as long as you leave this planet to us.”
The guard pony glanced at Celestia “Please tell me the next universe doesn’t have bureaucrats.”
Celestia tried to smile “Hopefully their better than this one.”
Triple Point shouted “No! The death of Paper Pushers of the third order by your kind require ritualistic sacrifice!”
Even in the face of death... they cared more about having the proper paperwork filled out than actually trying to survive.
The land was covered in crystals. The ponies labored in the fields as misery filled the land. The crystal guards brought the guard pony from the previous alternate reality and Celestia into the throne room of King Sombra. He poured himself a glass of wine before they were forced to bow to him.
King Sombra sighed when he caught sight of Celestia “Skip this universe and go onto the next one.”
Celestia stared at Sombra in confusion “But I haven’t even asked my question.”
Sombra shook his head in disappointment “You came searching for an answer. Some sort of secret that plagues your lands yet if your anything like the Celestia I know you would not stand for your kingdom to be ruled like mine.”
Celestia felt herself break a little as she begged “But you don’t have any paper work! Just how! How did you do it!”
Sombra glanced at Celestia and then to the futuristic guard pony “Is she serious?”
The guard pony shrugged “We literally saw a planet get defeated because two bureaucrats couldn’t do anything unless all the papers were done as we could have won the battle by simply pressing a button.”
Sombra rubbed his chin “For future notice if an enemy can be defeated by simply pressing a button. Press the button defeating the enemy and then fill out the paper work… sorry about that. I was just getting that written down for future generations just to be safe.”
The guard pony nodded “I don’t blame you. Sounds stupid until an idiot does it.”
Celestia glanced at the clean throne as not a single paper, paper pusher, or some other pony carrying papers or orders to fill out hadn’t come.
Celestia glanced at Sombra and asked one last time “So… how did you do it?”
Sombra smiled as he glanced at Celestia “Mind control… sadly it means I do it all up here.” He tapped his head “Even if you brain wash and control an entire nation in fear you still have to place fortifications, repair places damaged by natural disaster and send food across the kingdom to ensure I have a kingdom to rule instead of a graveyard.”
Celestia banged her head against the floor as Sombra continued “So want to skip the whole underground resistance phase and just skip to another universe. I’d rather not have to rebuild this throne room if you want to just go to another universe.”
Celestia banged her head against the wall “I’m a pony.”
The weird bipedal figure shook her head “We don’t have pony… does lento work or is the proper term Hispanic?”
Celestia groaned “Send me back in the mirror.”
The bipedal figure shouted “Frank! This girl doesn’t speak English! Get me that guy with the funny accent! Maybe he can help!”
The necromancer laughed “You think running a kingdom of the dead doesn’t require paperwork?”
Celestia tugged her hair a truly impressive feat in retrospect “Everypony is dead!”
The necromancer shrugged “They prefer the term living impaired. It gets them ten percent off their taxes than simply being listed as dead.”
Raven glanced at the room “Where were you Celestia?”
Celestia sighed “Just seeing if there was any way to get rid of this paper work.”
Raven chuckled “By simply doing it. Sometimes we spend more time trying to figure out how to avoid something than simply pony up and doing it ourselves.”
The guard pony nodded “Still better than my place.”
Raven glanced at the odd new pony “uh… Celestia? Why is there an injured mare in the room?”
Celestia glanced down “Oh sorry. Could you get a doctor and some registration papers. We have a new pony.”
Raven stared at the wounded pony “Uh… should we be more concerned about how he got those wounds instead of filling out paperwork?”
The guard pony smiled “I think I’m going to like this place. Tea?”
Celestia smiled “Sure.”
The two of them clicked their tea cups together as Raven tried to figure out what had just happened.
