Fallout: Equestria – Waistlines
“One pony's trash is another pony's dinner.”
I sighed loudly and stepped up onto the scale. Through the cracked window I could see the numbers climbing, higher and higher until they finally stopped on the most unhelpful of numbers. Three hundred and thirty nine.
“THREE POUNDS?!” I shouted angrily. “I GAINED THREE POUNDS?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! I HAVEN'T EVEN EATEN ANYTHING IN A WEEK!”
“Umm... yeah, you did. Remember that box of Fancy Buck Snack Cakes we found in that factory refrigerator the other day?” my traveling partner said. He grinned widely as he took in my plight.
I blinked, my temper easily defused. “Oh yeah, I forgot about those. But I didn't eat that many.”
“You ate the whole box, tubby,” my other partner said. She chuckled.
“Alright, fine. Ugh... this losing weight thing is hard, you guys,” I said. “I mean, how in the fuck do you guys stay so thin? I can practically see your ribs, Jazzy.”
Jazzy chuckled again and brushed her green mane out of her eyes. “Well for starters, Zap and I weren't born in some fancy Stable like you were. We were born out here in the Wasteland. You take what you can get out here.”
“Eyup,” Zap said. “Besides, why do you wanna lose weight for anyways? I'd figure the extra warmth would do you some good on a cold night.”
I sighed. “You wouldn't understand,” I said. “You didn't know what life was like down in that Stable.”
“Well, we've got plenty of time to listen,” Jazzy said. “We're not movin' for a little while. Raiders down the way, might as well lay low until they clear out.” She motioned out the window of the abandoned building we'd holed up in. “Course... we could always roll you out there to absorb any of the bullets.”
My face turned red. “That's not funny, Jazzy!”
“Ah kid. She's just poking fun at you, aren't you Sis?” Zap said, resting his hoof on my shoulder. “She don't mean nothin' by it.”
“No, I meant it. He'd make a good meat shield,” Jazzy said point-blank. “He'd probably absorb bullets better than this shitty barding we're wearing.”
“Look, the point is, we don't really get the whole 'losing weight' crusade you've got here, kid,” Zap continued, ignoring his sister. “Maybe if we had some more perspective on the issue, we'd be more inclined to try and help.”
“Fine, alright,” I said, taking a seat across from him. “Well, I told you already I'm from Stable 107, right?”
“Right. You said it was pretty near to where we found you,” Zap said, laying his rifle on the ground next to his bags. “You said it was deserted, everypony gone.”
“Yeah... I kind of lied about that one,” I said, grinning sheepishly. “I kind of wasn't sure you weren't going to get the location out of me and go plunder it if you knew it was still intact.”
“What?” Jazzy said from the window. “You mean we could have been in on some Stable scavenging? Man...”
“Easy there, Sis. I'm sure our new friend had his reasons,” Zap replied. He raised his eyebrows at me. “Am I right?”
“Yeah. You see, it's still inhabited. I didn't escape some crazy Stable full of death. I was... kicked out,” I said.
“Kicked out?” Zap said. “Why would they kick you out?”
“My Stable was sponsored by Sparkle Cola. Their goal was to test the effects that readily available food would have over generations of ponies,” I said, grimacing. “And I mean, the best kind of food available.”
“They wanted to let you get fat?” Jazzy said, her eyes still glancing out the window.
“They wanted us to eat, and eat we did. With each generation of ponies born in the Stable, we got larger and larger... until one pony found out that there was an ulterior motive to that goal,” I said. “The truth was, Stable-Tec didn't really care about whether we made it out of the Stable or not. They wanted us to get so fat that we'd die from things like heart disease and organ failure.”
“Damn... that's rough. What happened?” Zap said.
“Well, after the ponies in the Stable found out that we were all intended for a horrible death, they decided that we all needed to eat healthier, live better, that sort of thing,” I said. “The Overmare instituted mandatory diets for every pony in the Stable.”
“What the fuck is a diet?” Jazzy said, looking over at me.
“It's where you eat things that are healthy and stay away from foods like cake, cupcakes, and sweets,” I said. “Y'know, eat leafy greens and shit like that.”
“Wait what? Why in the world would you do that to yourself? That makes no sense,” the earth mare replied.
“To lose weight, I guess. Many of us in the Stable were so large that losing weight became very difficult. The doctors in the Stable became so overwhelmed by the multitude of ponies with health issues and diet plans that they came up with this stupid idea called insurance,” I said.
“Insurance? What the fuck is that?” Zap said.
“Insurance,” I explained. “Was the doctors way of making money while keeping all the ponies in the Stable off their backs all the time. If you didn't have it, you had to pay through the nose to get any sort of medical work.”
“But you were in a Stable,” Jazzy said. “How in the fuck did you have money?”
“We didn't exactly have money like bits or caps, we had to pay in food. You either gave up a moderate portion of your food to have your insurance, or if you went to the doctor without it you had to give up all your food for a week,” I said. “And then every couple months or so, you would get weighed, and if you were losing weight, they would reduce how much food you had to pay in what they called a 'discount.'”
“Okay... that kind of makes some sense,” Zap said. “I mean, it's pretty fucking stupid, but makes sense. So... what, you couldn't lose the weight or something? They wouldn't kick you out for not being able to lose weight, right?”
“No... I got kicked out because I did something incredibly stupid,” I said, sighing. “I broke in to the place where they stored all the food that got paid to the doctors. I ate and ate and ate. All night. They found me the next morning passed out with cupcake icing all over my face. Long story short, that's how I got my cutie mark.”
“Wow... so you got kicked out for being a fatty?” Jazzy said, now showing much more interest in my tale than her position as lookout.
“Jazzy...” Zap said.
“What?” Jazzy replied.
“Go back to being a lookout,” Zap said. “We're not exactly in the safest of neighborhoods.”
“Fine,” Jazzy said, returning her attention to the window.
“So anyways...” I continued. “Because of what I did, I was ejected from the Stable. The only condition I was given was that if I could somehow show that I was making an effort to control my eating then I could come back. But I don't know if I can do that.”
“I'm sure you could,” Zap said. “It's just willpower after all, right?”
“But my cutie mark is a fucking knife and fork!” I exclaimed. “My special talent is eating! I don't know how to do anything else, and eating healthy is for the birds. I just... I don't know what to do. I miss my home, my family and friends.”
“Quiet fatty,” Jazzy said suddenly.
“Would you cut it out with the name calling, Jazz? It's getting real old,” Zap said.
“Shut up, both of you,” Jazzy hissed. “Those raiders from before haven't left the area yet. They're right below our building.”
Zap's eyes narrowed and he jumped up to join Jazzy at the window. He grimaced. “Shit. We can't just sit here and wait for them to find us.”
“I'm still game with rolling fat-ass over there out and using him for cover,” Jazzy replied.
“Hey!” I shouted.
“I said, shut up! Do you want them to find us?” Jazzy said. “Seriously...”
“Hey I think I heard something,” a voice echoed from below. “Go check it out.”
“Sure thing boss,” another voice said.
“Shit shit shit!” Jazzy said. “They fucking heard us!”
“We need to move. Gather your things and let's go. If you're seen, shoot first and ask questions later,” Zap said.
I grimaced and stood. I picked my things up and followed behind the two siblings. I didn't have the guts to tell Zap that I'd never actually fired a firearm before in my entire life. Only Stable security ponies had guns. All I had was a PipBuck, and even that wasn't too useful because I didn't really know how to use it either. About the only thing that I knew how to do with it was sort my saddlebags.
We made our way to the far end of the floor we had holed up in and started down the stairs there. I could hear the shouting of the raiders getting louder. They were combing each floor of this place for whatever they had heard. I just hoped that we could get down and out before they found us.
“I heard something upstairs!” a voice shouted.
“Find them!” another exclaimed.
“Shit,” Zap said. “We're stuck. Can't get down, can't get out.”
“What do we do?” I said. “We can't fight them, can we?”
“Doesn't look like we've got much of a choice,” Zap replied. He glanced over at his sister. “Jazzy?”
“I'm on it,” she said, pulling something spherical out of her saddlebags. She pulled the pin on it and tossed it out into the stairwell. “Take that you sick fuckers!”
A loud *boom* echoed from the stairwell, followed by the shouts and cries of the raiders that the device had hurt. My eyes widened in awe. I had never seen such a weapon before.
“They've got grenades!” a voice from down below called out. “They killed Shovelhead!”
I mouthed the name 'Shovelhead' and sighed. Ponies weren't always the best at names. I looked over at Zap. “It sounds like there's still more down there. How do we get out of this place?”
Zap mulled it over. “That was our only grenade too. Sooner or later they're gonna figure that out. Raiders ain't smart like your or me are. They just keep comin' until they killed you or they get killed themselves. We need another way out.”
“I've got some rope, we could rappel down the side of the building,” Jazzy said.
“How much, though? We're like five stories up,” Zap replied.
Jazzy glanced into her bags. “Shit... I'm about fifteen feet too short.”
“Can we go down one floor?” I asked. The sound of hooves thundered below us, as if to answer my question.
“Probably not. Still, it's the only way we're getting out of this mess,” Zap said, grabbing the rope from Jazzy's bag. He reached over and tied it around my waistline.
I let out a grunt as the rope tightened. “Are you sure about this?” I said.
“Nope,” Zap said. He finished tying off the rope around himself and Jazzy. “Don't worry though, I got a plan.”
The stallion pulled a hook out of his bag and attached the end of the rope. With a quick buck, he embedded it in the rubble next to the window. The sounds below us got louder and louder as the raiders got closer to our floor.
“Alright. You're going first,” Zap said to me. “Way I figure it, Jazzy does have one thing right. You should survive the last stretch to the ground enough to be able to catch us.”
“I'm gonna do what?” I said.
“He's gonna do what?!” Jazzy exclaimed.
Zap rolled his eyes. “Just do what I tell you to do! They're almost on top of us! Now do you want to live or do you want to end up raider food?”
“He's right. We have to do something,” I said, sighing loudly. “I'll do it.”
I made my way to the window and my eyes widened. We were really far up! I had to be crazy to think I could do this!
“Alright, just carefully lower yourself down. Use the wall to get down quicker!” Zap said.
I gulped loudly and nodded. I took a step out the window and stopped. I tugged and tugged but I realized one important thing. “I'm stuck.”
“What?! I told you that you were too fat!” Jazzy shouted.
“I'm sorry! I didn't know I wasn't going to fit!” I yelled back.
“Both of you cut it out! Just help me push him, Jazz,” Zap griped.
I felt two pairs of hooves on my rear, pushing hard. I grunted as I tried to wiggle through the crevice. I started to feel the stone give away, scraping along my barding until finally I was free.
*POP*
I went soaring forward out of the window. Like an griffon I nearly flew for three seconds before I realized that I didn't have wings. I yelled as I went tumbling down and back towards the building. I hit the stonework hard, smashing through it instead of stopping. One of the raiders who'd been patrolling that floor yelped as I struck him, sending him flying through the air towards a group of his fellows. They yelped loudly, their guns going off in panic. Luckily they somehow managed to miss me and hit each other as I swung back towards the opening I'd made. I reappeared outside, nearly hyperventilating.
“Shit! Are you alright down there!” I heard Zap call from above.
“I... I think so!” I shouted back up. “Lower me down! I do not want to do that again!”
*CREAAAAAAAAK*
My eyes widened as they turned towards the hole. Apparently I had struck one of the building supports. The building itself wasn't in the best condition anyways, and now it was creaking loudly. And leaning. And HOLY SHIT THE BUILDING IS GOING TO FALL OVER!
“Uhhh GUYS I THINK YOU NEED TO MOVE!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
I heard shouting from below. The raiders had vacated the building it seemed, and they were pointing up at me from in front of the building. A few of them lifted their weapons and aimed. Shit shit shit! Not good not good! I thought, my mind racing as I hung there from the rope.
“GUYS?!” I shouted again as loud as I could. No answer. What did they do, tie me up and leave me?!
The building creaked again, the stone and wood crumpling under itself as the top of the structure leaned forward. My eyes bulged out of my skull as I began to fall. The raiders below me dropped their weapons and started to run away as a large chunk of stone crushed one of them.
I fell a few more feet, then a few more, then a few more. Pretty soon, the rope went completely slack and I started free falling. I screamed louder than I'd ever screamed in my entire life as I went soaring towards the ground. My entire life, all of the food I've ever eaten, it all flashed before my eyes.
“Oh Goddess please don't let me die! I won't ever touch a single box of Sugar Apple Bombs ever again! I'll even get health insurance! I promise! Pleeeaaaaaaase!” I prayed loudly as I fell. The whole side wall of the building fell towards me, chunks of it falling away in the air.
I waited and waited for the end to come. How far up was I?! I was bound to hit the ground any moment. I didn't know what to do. The rope had fallen past me already, snapped off somewhere. Had Jazzy and Zap made it? Were they okay? Did it really matter? I was going to die, maybe they were alright. That'd be poetic, right?
*CRASH*
I hit the ground hard and pain shot through my entire body, but somehow I was alive. Barely. I struggled to move, a large chunk of debris striking the ground somewhere next to me. I yelped as I scrambled to move, but a lancing pain through my leg told me that wasn't happening. My eyes widened as I looked up at the inevitable. I closed my eyes and waited.
*CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH*
Dust settled around me. I opened my eyes slightly, seeing nothing around me but debris and rock. I blinked. I'm... I'm alive? I thought. How did I...?
“Holy crap!” a voice said from above me. “I told you he could survive that!”
My eyes flittered up to where the voice had come from. Like two angelic pegasi, there was Jazzy and Zap. They'd tied themselves to some sort of railing and were hanging from it like possums. I cracked a weak smile.
“Are you two alright?” I asked.
“Yeah. As soon as we knew what was happenin' we tied ourselves down. We didn't have time to pull you back up before rope snapped,” Zap said. “What about you?”
“I think I broke something,” I said. “Can't really move.”
“Wait there, we'll come down and get you,” Zap said.
I nodded, watching as the two earth ponies cut themselves free of their bonds. The raider it appeared had either all scattered when the building had fallen or had perished in the debris, because I couldn't hear any other sounds other than Zap and Jazzy. They dropped down and trotted up next to me.
“Shit. No wonder you can't move. Your back legs are pinned down by a boulder,” Zap said. “Don't try to move. Jazzy. Get me that doohickey out of your bag.”
“You mean, the magic energy pistol?” Jazzy replied with a wink.
“Yeah, yeah. That thing. Hurry up,” Zap said.
Jazzy pulled the thing out of her pack. It looked like one of those old terminal monitors with the tubes all pointing out of it. Zap lifted it and aimed it behind me. My eyes widened as it emitted an angry red beam of light. It soared through the air and struck the apparent boulder that had pinned me. I felt ash fall around my legs. I wriggled them around. At least there was some feeling there.
“Can you stand?” Zap asked.
I struggled to get to my hooves. It hurt like hell, but I was able to do it. I nodded weakly. Zap grinned and pulled out a healing potion from his pack.
“Here, drink this. It'll help,” he said. “You want some Sugar Apple Bombs too?”
I blinked. I shook my head vehemently, remembering my promise to the Goddess that had somehow saved my life.
“Holy crap. The fattie doesn't want food! That's some irony right there,” Jazzy said.
I rolled my eyes and downed the healing potion in one long gulp. I breathed a sigh of relief as the magic took hold, and I began to feel a little better.
“What happened to the raiders?” Zap said. “Did they bite it in the crash?”
“Nothing on my E.F.S.,” Jazzy said. “Looks like it's just us. You did good, fats. That was the best wrecking ball maneuver I've ever seen. You totally killed it.”
“Killed it?! I almost killed you! I brought down a whole building!” I shouted.
Zap grinned widely. “Yeah, and you killed a fuck ton of raiders while doing it. Jazzy's right about something, kid. I think you'll do just fine out here in the Wasteland. Stick with us, and we'll all do just fine.”
I smiled. Zap was right about one thing. It was going to be a long while before I could prove myself to my Stable, but for the most part, I found myself not caring. I'd found two great friends, ones who didn't care about my weight, and with them by my side, I felt like I could do anything.
Well, mostly anything.
“Is that box of Sugar Apple Bombs still up for grabs?”
Author's Note
Hopefully you enjoyed this little romp. It was pretty fun to write. Even if it is all Wirepony's fault.
If you like what you've read, please consider pledging to me on Patreon! Every bit helps, and Patreon is a great way to support content creators like myself.
