A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Pinkamena Diane Pie

by Blazing Shadows

Rating: teen
Tags: Second Person, Random
Length: 2458

One narrator's quest to tell Pinkie Pie's life story...and the chaos that ensues as a result. WARNING: EXTENSIVE FOURTH WALL BREAKING!!!

WARNING: THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ CONTAINS EXTENSIVE FOURTH WALL BREAKING. IF YOUR FOURTH WALL IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO DAMAGE, THEN TELL IT TO STOP BEING A WHINY LITTLE WIMP AND PROCEED.

"This story is brought to you by Snickers, cause I'm not me when I'm hungry."

"Pinkie Pie, get out of the description!"

"Oops. sorry. Force of habit."

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-09 22:50:55 UTC

The Story

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Pinkamena Diane Pie

We open on a normal, sunny day in the magical land of Equestria. Situated in the shadow of the kingdom of Canterlot is a valley. In this valley lies the town of Ponyville. It is here where our story takes place. For inside this average-looking town there lives a pony named Pinkamena DIane Pie, or Pinkie Pie for short. She has a light pink coat with a dark pink tail and mane, which smells of cotton candy. Most ponies tend to wonder if it's just naturally like that or if it's because of a certain shampoo she uses. I would know because I have the exact same shampoo located in my local Wal-Mart. Right next to the Irish Spring shampoo that I buy every month. It tends to help me with my oily hair and also gives it a nice-

WHACK!

THUD!

While the previous narrator was busy being drug away by board executives to be located to another job, the new narrator was just getting comfortable in his swivel chair. He was already pecking away at the keyboard (expertly at 90 words a minute) to continue the tale that is to be told to you all today.

Ms. Pie's mane and tail are both unnaturally poofy and remain that way all the time. Well, unless she gets upset or angry. It's then that they mysteriously flatten out by themselves and stay that way until she gets happy again. That's the thing about her. She is the happiest pony in all of Ponyville, and perhaps the happiest in all of Equestria. Her love of making new friends, throwing parties, and baking at the bakery she calls home (cutely named Sugarcube Corner) rivals only the love of books by Princess Twilight Sparkle. But we'll talk about her another time...or maybe never.

The last thing to note about Ms. Pie is her cutie mark. It consists of three baloons, two of them blue with yellow string and the middle one yellow with blue string. It shows her love for parties and spreading joy through the land. But enough talk. Let's check in on her to see how she's doing.

"I'm doing super-duper, Mr. Narrator!"

Well, that's good. Now, before we begin our little "secret observation" of Ms. Pie, we must remember that she isn't always going to be-"WAIT, WHAT?!!"

"No, not "WHAT?!!" "Super-duper."

"H-How did you...I mean,..this is supposed to be a silent observation!"

"Ooooohhh! I get it! So, it's like Equestrian Geographic, where the ponies silently watch the cheetahs from the safety of a nearby tuft of grass, but then the cheetahs notice their camera poked a bit too far out and catch the gleam off it from the sun. So, they then proceed to chase them away from their babies and music plays in the background that goes like "DUH DUH DUH DA DUH! DUH DUH DUH DA DUH DUH DUH DUH-

"WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?! I am trying to tell a story here!"

"I know. But it's just a teeeeeeeeny tiny bit boring for me. I mean, if this is about my life, then it needs to be more exciting!"

"...How so?"

"Well, first we need to start off with my birth. I was born on Horsegard, where my father rules as King of-

"STOP! That's an entirely different universe that hasn't been established yet!"

"Only because the author failed to bring it to life the first time but now can't stop thinking about it, so he's decided that he needs the help of other writers in order to make it better and thus hasn't yet gotten it off the ground, despite knowing the titles and content of various stories in said universe. DUH!"

"...I...I..."

As I was saying, the pink mare known as Pinkie Pie is not like everypony else. She hides a deep, dark, dangerous secret under that cute, innocent demeanor of hers. For she is not of this world. In fact, she was born of a world that granted her unimaginable power. She has the power to-

"HEY! GIVE ME BACK MY KEYBOARD!"

CLANG!

"OW!...Did...DID YOU JUST THROW MY KEYBOARD AT ME?!!"

"Shh. I'm trying to read..."

"W...WHAT?!"

"Sweet Celestia! The Braves are gonna beat the Yankees 30 to nothing!"

"...What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I have this sports almanac that predicts the outcome of all major sporting events for the next fifty years."

"...I..I don't.."

"WAIT!...Did I leave the stove on?"

"OKAY, ENOUGH! You're giving me a migraine!"

"Oh, no! That migraine makes you look so sad...Do you need some Haylenol?"

"...Please stop. I can't t-

"FREEZE!"

"Ah. That's much better...HEY! Now that I'm here, I can talk to all you readers out there. You guys and gals can keep a secret, right? WELL, YOU BETTER! Hee hee, just kidding...OR AM I?!..Nah, I'm pretty sure I am."

"Anyways, down to business...Hey, I just jumped down to a whole new paragraph! Cool!...Anyways, as I told Mr. 32-Year-Old-Virgin back there, the real author of this story wants to do a fanfiction universe. It's based off the Marvel Cinematic Universe, as some of you may have already caught, but he wants writers to help him make sure it's super-duper effective (gotta catch 'em all), whether it be help with the writing, editing, ideas, or cover art. So, if you're interested in seeing the Hasbro Equestrian Universe come to life, shoot him a PM to talk with him about what you could do to contribute....And UNFREEZE!"

"-ake much more of this."

"Well, you're lucky that I can!"

It was then that the narrator remembered who exactly was in control here: himself. He was the narrator after all, so why should he be wasting his time arguing with the main character of his story? It was time to take action.

"Don't know how you're able to type that without my keyboard, but you've just given me a rather great idea."

"What's that? I wasn't listening. The sound of your mother calling you to clean your room blocked out what you were saying."

Today was a strange day for Ms. Pie. Despite waking up completely fine, she now found herself without a mouth. This would-"HEY! HOW'D YOU GET HERE?!...WAIT, LET GO OF MY HEAD-Y7U2165PO0

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Pinkie Pie's mouth then returned amongst her scuffle with the overweight excuse for a narrator.

"HEY!"

"Mum, Charlie bit my fourth wall!"

CRUNCH!

"YE-OOOOWWW! YOU BIT ME ON THE NIPPLE!"

"BLECH! Quoth the Pinkie "Nevermore!""

"That's it!...I propose a truce!"

"Hmm...I'm intrigued."

"If you let me pick up where I left off in my narration, then I'll let you offer some input in how the story flows."

"Hmm...Throw in 20 percent of the royalties and a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubbalicious and you've got yourself a spit shine!"

There was something about the pink mare, besides her extreme optimism and constant good mood, that made her different from most ponies. She was a representation of an Element of Harmony; in particular, the Element of Laughter. She, along with five other ponies, made up the Elements and have used them in the past to keep peace in the land. What are the Elements of Harmony you ask? Well, just sit back and I'LL TELL YOU HOW I BECAME THE PRINCE OF A TOWN CALLED BEL-AIR!

"THAT ISN'T PART OF THE DEAL!"

"OR NO DEAL?! That's right, John Peterson, come on down! You're the next contestant on-

"W-Wait!...You know my name?"

"Oh, yes, John. You don't know me, but...I know you. You think you're the one who's in control of the telling of my life story...But, in fact, you're merely a marionette attached to the strings I'm pulling."

"T-That's it...I'm outta here!"

"Oh, sure. Leave, John...But what are you gonna tell Sarah?"

"...How do you know that name?"

"Sarah. The woman you've been dating for three years but haven't proposed to yet. I know that name because I have intel...via a man by the name of Tyler, who runs a FanFiction account under the name "Leader of the Bronies" and a FIMFiction account under "Blazing Shadows."

"I...I don't know who you're talking about..."

"Sure you do, John. He's the one who gave you this job in the first place."

"No...No, that's not true!"

"Isn't it, John? Are you actually telling me you don't know,...or are you playing dumb just to keep me from breaking the fourth wall?"

"There's no such thing as a fourth wall!"

"You're right, John...There's not one...Not since I broke it!"

"...I don't feel so good..."

"What's wrong, John? Is it one of those darn Xenomorphs again?"

"...No...No, you didn't!"

"Pfft...HA HA HA HA! Y-You're right! I didn't! Hee hee hee!"

"Wait...W-Why are you laughing?!"

"B-Because I've been acting all tough-like a-and you just sat back and...fell for it all! HA HA HA HA!"

"THAT DOES IT!"

As it just so happens, it seems I'm quitting my job for personal reasons. So, with that, I leave my writing duties to You're not getting away that easy!

Hey, let go of my keyboard!

No you let go, meanie weanie bo duke beanie!

YOU'RE MAKING NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

But what fun is there in making sense?

THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR LINE IN THE SHOW!

Yes, but we're not on the show, are we?

JUST LET GO! I'M TYPING MY RESIGNATION LETTER!

Actually, you typed more than one letter, John.

NOT THOSE LETTE-

WAIT! WE HAVE TO STOP FIGHTING! GIVE ME THE KEYBOARD OR WE'RE GONNA BE IN DEEP TROUBLE!

THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE IS Y-

RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP

"W-WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"

"BECAUSE OF ME AND YOU ARGUING OVER THE STORY SO MUCH, WE'VE GONE SO FAR AS TO BREAK THE FIFTH WALL! LOOK! MY SPEECH IS EVEN IN THE SAME FONT AS YOURS!!"

"W-WHAT DOES BREAKING THE FIFTH WALL DO?!"

"WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT..."

MY FELLOW AMERICANS IM GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CANT REFUSE ARE THERE ANY EXTRA NAPKINS TIME IS A RULER THAT MEASURES THE DAY IT DOESNT GO BACKWARDS ONLY ONE WAY YOU SHALL NOT PASS SKADOOSH SLEEP TIGHT YA MORONS SO RICH AND WHITE ITS LIKE IM RUNNING GAINST A CHEESECAKE CHANGE HAS COME TO AMERICA JIMMY CRACKED CORN AND I DONT CARE MICHAEL STOP WHERE WERE GOING WE DONT NEED ROADS JUST TWO GOOD OL BOYS I SAW THE LIGHT PUNY GOD PAUL IS DEAD WITH A SUPER POWERED MIND A MECHANICAL CANINE BYE BYE BUTTERFREE TARZAN JANE JANE TARZAN IF YOUR LIPS ARE MOVING THEN YOURE LYING LYING LYING NAGISA ITS MORPHIN TIME YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOURE GONNA GET YOUR POWERS HAVE BEEN BORING SINCE THE NINETEEN FUCKING FORTIES CUDDLEFISH HOLEY RUSTED METAL BATMAN THIS IS THE LIFE OF A BOY NAMED JOHNNY TEST CRAVE THOSE CRAZY SQUARES WHY NOT TRY A REGULAR WONKA BAR NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK ELECTABUZZ THEYRE BETTER THAN THE REST GREEN GIANT BEN DROWNED TO MAKE THEM REALIZE THIS IS MY LIFE OH THE AGONY ONLY ROSIE O DONNELL WELCOME TO PRIME TIME BITCH I AM NEGADUCK PIZZA THE HUT SCOOPSKI POTATOES CAN HE SWING FROM A WEB NO HE CANT HES A PIG LOBELIA BIG ADVENTURE TONS OF FU-

ZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP

"W..What just happened?"

"Simple. I waited patiently for just the right time to close the tear in the fifth wall, and, when it finally arrived, I grabbed the zipper and zipped it right up! Easy peasey, puttin' in the freezey!"

"Wow...T-Thanks, Pinkie Pie...You saved my life...a-and possibly the whole world!"

"Hee hee. Wouldn't be the first time that's happened."

"What do you mean?"

"...Nothing."

"...Well, regardless, I guess all of this means I won't have a job as a narrator anymore..."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, dude. Remember, I have close connections with the author. I can easily put in a good word for ya."

"...Really? After all the fighting we've been through, you'd do that for me?!"

"Sure! And it won't cost you a thing!...Well, except for that pack of Bubbalicious you promised me earlier."

"S..Sure, Pinkie. I think I can afford that now that I know I still have a job."

"Ha ha, very funny, John. Leave the jokes to me."

"Sure thing...Man, this has been one weird day. I'm amazed my mind hasn't been blown."

"I am, too. Though, I guess it would've taken a bit more than what happened today to break a person's sanity."

"What more could there possibly be?"

"Well, if you're the narrator who's employed under Tyler to write my story, then is Tyler the one writing everything else?...Or is he writing everything else and writing about you writing about my story?!...John?"

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY

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ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY

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