In which Earth Ponies are proven to be just as evil as Unicorns.
I have never been so thoroughly insulted in all my life! Not even your nephew’s actions at the Gala come close to this! My day started just like any other day, I woke up in the morning and set about making myself fabulous. Do you know how long it takes me to do my usual Coiffure? And my makeup? Hours! Once I was done with that, I opened the Boutique for Business. It was a perfectly average day, a few customers coming in for a mending or a fitting, some missives and orders from Clients, and an update from Sassy Saddles about the Canterlot Carousel. Nothing out of the ordinary happened until just after Lunch.
I had just finished my lunch and reopened when Applejack came in, looking just as cheerfully dirty as she did every other day. She asked me how I was doing and what I was working on, then asked I was too busy to shut down shop for the day.
“Ya’ see Rarity, with Big Mac outta town, I could use some help out at the farm. Normally I’d ask one of the others, but they’re all busy today.”
I’m not ashamed to admit that I rebuffed her out of hoof. Myself? Working on the farm? Did she not remember the last time I had done that? “No Dearie, I’m a bit too busy today.”
She scrunched her mouth up and nodded, then left without saying a word. I put the whole matter out of my mind and went back to work. I was certain that Applejack could manage the farm by herself for one day. She had done it for a week before she broke down last time.
I had nearly forgotten the whole conversation until an hour later, when Pinkie Pie burst in through the door, knocking my bell right off its hook! She was panting and absolutely covered in sweat. She didn’t give me time to say a word before belting out that Applejack was in trouble and needed our help. Of course, I’m always willing to help out a friend when there’s trouble, whether they think they need the help or not, so I dropped the dress I was working on for Fleur de Lis and ran out the door behind Pinkie.
The two of us made quite the sight, sprinting through the streets of Ponyville. I’m quite certain that if it were not for the events later that day eclipsing it, ponies would still be discussing my completely unladylike run. In fact I’d prefer they discuss that than what they’re surely saying about me now.
I was quite out of breath by the time we reached Sweet Apple Acres. A Lady is not built for long sprints, she is built for long dances. It uses an entirely different set of muscles, as I’m sure you know. Pinkie insisted that Applejack was in danger though, so I pushed through the exhaustion, like the wonderful friend that I am. I was absolutely willing to do anything to save Applejack, until Pinkie lead me to where she was.
It was an empty Pig Sty. And I mean that literally mind you. It was literally the place where the Apples kept their pigs. I don’t even know why they have Pigs! They’re apple farmers for fashion’s sake! Do they insist on having pigs just to more perfectly fulfill their stereotype? I don’t know, but Applejack was nowhere in sight. I began to have an inkling of what was really happening then and there. My suspicions were confirmed when I was quite suddenly lifted off the ground from below, and bucked over the fence into the mud! After the Hours I had spent, no, slaved on my Coiffure! Applejack had snuck up behind me, and bucked me into the mud like some common swine!
Both of them burst into laughter at the sight of me dripping mud and who knows what else from every limb. I tried to shake it off, but it stuck! The mud refused to come off! I could feel it sinking into my pores from horn to hoof! “Applejack, what is the meaning of this?”
Applejack made that face she does when she’s lying and knows you know she’s lying. You know the one. Her mouth gets all scrunched up and she looks everywhere but at you. “Oh, nothing. Pinkie and I just decided that, as your true friends, we needed to make sure you’re the best Pony you can be.”
As if I am not already the Pinnacle of Unicorns! The only way to improve this would be to add wings and a crown!
I was quite furious at this point, and tried to grip the mud in my magic to pull it off of me and dump it on them, see how they like being covered in mud! Imagine my surprise when I realize it was immune! The mud was unaffected by magic! I was astounded! Unfortunately, I let my astonishment show through, which set my supposed friends off laughing again. I again demanded an explanation, and this time Applejack actually listened to her Element.
“Sometimes Rarity, ya’ need to get dirty. You can’t always go around perfectly clean. It tain’t healthy for you!” That was when my suspicions were confirmed. Applejack was trying to get revenge on me for bettering her with a bath! Of all the petty ways to react to my heartfelt gift of cleanliness and class, she literally took my gift, and rubbed it in the dirt. Then she rubbed ME in the dirt!
But I am, of course, the better pony. If I weren’t so Humble, I’d declare myself the best pony, and will happily bet a new wardrobe that anybody with class would agree with me. So I played it cool. “How exactly am I meant to learn this lesson Applejack? Am I just to be covered in in mud for a few minutes?”
Applejack fell over laughing so hard, so Pinkie Pie took over and revealed the true depth of their crime. “No silly! You’ll be covered in mud for a whole day!”
She told me that the mud was enchanted! It wouldn’t be able to come off for a full twenty-four hours! I would have to be completely covered in pig-slop for an entire Day! I couldn’t show my face around polite company like that! I wouldn’t even be able to show my face around impolite company!
But that’s not the important part. I knew only a few unicorns powerful enough to cast such a spell, and Twilight would never betray me like that, so I inquired as to who did.
“Well, remember last week when ya’ bath-raped me? I went to talk to the Princess about it, but she didn’t seem too keen to do anything ‘bout it. But Luna did! Heck, she came up with the whole Idea!” Your sister, Princess Luna, willingly enchanted that mud to stick to me! And Applejack and Pinkie Pie deceived and dirtied me!
* * *
“And so Princess Celestia, I implore you to show that same wisdom you showed in agreeing to let Twilight and I bathe Applejack. Arrest Pinkie Pie, Applejack and your sister on charges of assault and misconduct! Have them Banished to Tartarus for a week! Let them know what happens when they ruin a lady’s image, lest they turn to ruining the images of even more!”
Princess Celestia stared at the whitish brown unicorn standing before her throne. Once again the normally pristine floor was marred by a trail of muddy hoofprints. “We won’t be getting involved in this prank war, lest it Escalate even further.” She really needed to do something to vet the court appeals she received.
