Pinkie Pie's Discovery

by segaface

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 2648

(Crack-Fic) Pinkie realizes that she isn't attracted to stallions.

(Crack-fic.) Pinkie Pie has never been attracted to stallions, and finds herself wondering why that is.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-10 01:03:47 UTC

oh god what am i doing

Was there a word for it?

She assumed there must have been. There were words for anything, and if there weren't, she was always more than happy to make one up herself. For example, if someone asked her 'On a scale from one to ten, how much do you love throwing parties'? She'd gleefully answer, 'Infunity!' Which was like infinity, only also fun.

But this …  She didn't know if there was a word for this … And her normally so very creative mind was actually having trouble coming up with one on its own. Did this even need a word, though? She supposed it did. That look Rainbow Dash had given her was so haunting, whenever she shut her eyes she was forced to gaze upon it. The disapproval, the confusion... and even a hint of disgust.

Pinkie Pie was not normally a mare to worry about such things. She knew that lots of ponies thought she was an oddball, but she usually took pride in her strangeness. It was what made her special, after all. It gave her her cutie-mark, her element.

But... To see one of her very bestest friends look at her like that...

Pinkie Pie gave a sad sigh, gazing out the window in her bedroom. It was one of those rare times where her near constant activity had ceased. She remained rooted to one spot, deep in thought.

She supposed it started when she was young. Not that she had really known at that time, she had just had strong feelings towards someone who was definitely not a colt. When she got older, she realized she didn't go gaga over stallions, like Rarity often did.

Pinkie had tried to change herself, to look at the stallions in Rarity's magazines and work out what exactly she was meant to be interested in. Sure, some of them looked like they might be fun to have around at a party, but she couldn't imagine it going beyond that.

Still, her thoughts would drift back towards the 'one' whom she had had those feelings for during her foalhood. She supposed, on at least some level, it was pretty far from the norm. She recalled an incident where Pinkie had brought her love interest to bed with her, only to be woken by her Papa berating her, saying that good fillies didn't do things like that.

So, Pinkie had tried to repress the feelings, ignoring them whenever they were brought to the forefront of her mind.

At one point, she wondered if perhaps her lack of interest in stallions was merely a sign that she was into mares. She hoped that that was it. Ponyville was rather accepting to gay relationships, after all. Nopony ever spoke ill of Lyra and Bon Bon.

But... Pinkie soon realized that she wasn't attracted to mares, either. Her attempts at dating members of her own sex had never gotten very far.

Alas, as much as Pinkie didn't want to admit it, she wasn't attracted to mares or stallions. The only one that she had ever felt that deeper-than-friendship feeling for was that 'one' from her foalhood.

And, unfortunately, that 'one' wasn't another pony.

That 'one' was her Papa's lawn chair.

Pinkie adored the slightly rusted metal frame of the lawn chair, as well as its fraying cushions. Pinkie was always a curious pony, and she was bound and determined to figure out why that was. She hoped she wasn't the only pony to have these sorts of feelings.

So, when Rainbow Dash came by Sugarcube Corner to pick up some cupcakes, Pinkie blurted out her latest discovery. “Guess what, Dashie!”

“Whaff is it Pinkie?” Rainbow asked, her mouth full of free samples.

“I think I figured out why I've never wanted to date a stallion!” Pinkie chirped.

Rainbow quickly swallowed the baked goods in her mouth and glanced at her pink friend. If Pinkie had been a more observant pony, she would have noticed the slight blush on Dash's cheeks. “Y-You did?”

“I suuure did!” Pinkie smiled.

Rainbow Dash wiped the crumbs from her mouth, and fluttered her wings just a tiny bit. “So... Uh... Am I the first pony you're telling?”

“Yeppers!” Pinkie nodded so quickly, it looked like she was going to pull herself off balance.

Rainbow's mind was buzzing. She hoped her mane looked okay. She hoped there wasn't anything in her teeth.

“I figured you should be the first to know,” Pinkie went on in her bubbly tone. “I mean, you're the closest out of my closest friends! You don't get much closer than that!”

“R...Right, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, her voice cracking a bit. A smile tugged at the corners of her lips. Oh Celestia, does my breath smell okay?

“And I think that if I tell you this, we'll be even closer,” Pinkie added.

“Y..Yeah,” Dash stammered. “I think so, too.”

“You see, Dashie. The reason I've never wanted to date a stallion is 'cause I'm not into stallions at all!” Pinkie announced.

“Oh, Pinkie,” Dash said. “I always thought that was it, and you don't have to worry, none of us are gonna judge you for this. I'm actually the same way.”

Pinkie sucked in a deep inhale of breath, “Really, Dashie!? You're attracted to furniture too!?”

Dash's face fell, color draining from it at once. It was like all the fun had been sucked out of the situation, like air being let out of a balloon. “Wh...What? Is this a prank, Pinkie?”

“No,” Pinkie tilted her head, lifting one ear upward. “Why would I joke about this, Rainbow?”

Then, Dash made that face. The one that expressed equal parts confusion and disappointment, before being booted away by anger and disgust. “That's really weird, Pinkie! Even for you!”

“Dashie, I-”

“I don't think I want to talk to you right now,” Rainbow said, tearing out of the bakery.

Finally, after hours stuck up in her bedroom and worrying, Pinkie tore herself away from the window. She didn't understand why Rainbow Dash had reacted so poorly, or why she was attracted to furniture to begin with, but she knew there was one pony that would always be willing to accept her.

Pinkie galloped off to Fluttershy's cottage and knocked quickly. “FLUTTERS! FLUTTERS! HEY, FLUTTERSHY!”

Fluttershy answered the door, “Yes? What is it, Pinkie... ow... You're... You're still knocking.”

Pinkie paused, realizing she hadn't ceased moving her hoof and was repeatedly bopping Fluttershy on the head. “Oops... Sorry, Fluttershy...”

“It's okay,” Fluttershy assured. “Did you need something?”

“I told Rainbow Dash a big, big, ginormous secret and she got all mad at me,” Pinkie rushed out in a slightly panicked tone. “And I don't know why she got mad at me, and now I'm scared to tell our other friends, and that's why I came to you, 'cause you're the nicest, most accepting of my friends, and-”

Fluttershy put a hoof up to stop her. “What was the secret?”

“I figured out why I don't want to date stallions,” Pinkie said.

Fluttershy paused. That was strange indeed. Why on Earth would Rainbow Dash of all ponies judge Pinkie for being a lesbia-

“It's 'cause I like furniture!” Pinkie finished.

Fluttershy stayed silent.

“Oh no!” Pinkie cried. “Now you're gonna be mad at me too, aren't you!? Please don't be mad at me, I'm sorry!”

“I'm not mad,” Fluttershy promised, softly. “Just a little... confused?”

“You and me both,” Pinkie agreed. “Is there even a word for this?”

Fluttershy tapped her chin, “I don't know,” she replied, honestly. “This is the first time I've heard of a pony falling in love with a... uh...”

“Lawn chair,” Pinkie supplied.

“Lawn chair,” Fluttershy said. “Are you... sure?”

“I'm as sure of this as I'm sure of these balloons on my flank!” Pinkie wiggled her haunches, and gestured to her cutie-mark.

Fluttershy blanched, “Um... I don't know if I'm the best pony to talk to about this. I've never really dated anypony... Or any chairs...”

Pinkie rubbed her head. “Hmm....” she pondered. “I know!” she exclaimed. “I bet Rarity's heard of this, she's always reading those romance novels.”

“I guess she might,” Fluttershy nodded.

“Hello, Pinkie,” Rarity greeted, levitating a strip of measuring tape over to her mannequin. “To what do I owe the pleasure? Do you perhaps need a new gown? Are you planning a party?”

“Actually, Rarity,” Pinkie said. “I was hoping for some advice.”

“What kind of advice, dearie?”

“The romance kind.”

Rarity gasped, giddily clapping her hooves together. “Is there somepony new in your life, Pinkie!? Oh, please, give me every last detail!”

“Oh, well...” Pinkie began shuffling her hooves on the floor. “He's very nice looking, and super-duper soft when you rub your hooves on him. Oh, and he's also a chair. That part's kinda important.”

Rarity paused, “Did you just say he's a... chair?”

Pinkie nodded, “Mmm-hmm.”

“You mean... His cutie-mark is a chair, right?”

“Nope,” Pinkie shook her head. “He doesn't have a cutie-mark. Mostly because he's a chair.”

“Oh... Dear...” Rarity said. “I'm afraid I've never... had an experience quite like that, darling.”

Pinkie groaned, “That's what Fluttershy said!” She pointed a hoof towards Rarity's bedroom. “What about those lovey-dovey books you always read? Has there been anything in one of them?”

Rarity shook her head.

“Drat!” Pinkie said.

Trotting down the walkway to Sweet Apple Acres, Pinkie Pie hoped and prayed to Celestia that somepony would finally be able to give her answers. She hoped that Granny Smith, after all her years in Equestria, had come across a pony like her.

“Howdy, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack greeted. “What brings you to the farm? Need some cider?”

“No, AJ,” Pinkie declined. “I was actually hoping to speak to Granny Smith.”

“Ah, well Granny's at the elementary school helpin' 'em set up for their field day,” Applejack explained. “Maybe I could help ya out?”

“Has Granny Smith ever mentioned anything about ponies liking furniture?” Pinkie asked.

“Well she sure has,” Applejack nodded.

“REALLY!?” Pinkie beamed.

“Shucks,” Applejack chuckled. “It ain't like that's anythin' too out of the ordinary. Ponies love decoratin' their houses.”

“Applejack, that's not quite what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I like furniture in a romantic way,” Pinkie said. “I think about upholstered couch cushions when I clop.”

Applejack looked away. “Well... Ah can't say she's ever mentioned anythin' o' that sort.”

“Nopony has,” Pinkie said, sadly. She drooped onto the ground. “What if I'm the only one, and I'm a freak!?” her eyes erupted into waterfalls of tears.

Applejack sat down beside her, “Now, don't you fret none,” she chided. “You ain't a freak. You're just a little different is all.”

Pinkie sniffled, “But when I told Rainbow Dash she got mad at me and left...”

Applejack paused, “Ah think she may have just been upset about somethin' else.”

“Something else?” Pinkie repeated. “Like what?”

“Ah'm sure she'll tell you that in her own time,” Applejack said. “It ain't really my business to say.”

Pinkie galloped all the way to the library.  She should have just come here to begin with! Twilight was the smartest, most well read pony in all of Equestria. If anypony knew why Pinkie would fall in love with a chair, it would be her!

But, when she entered the library, she found a scene she didn't at all suspect. Rainbow Dash was sitting at the table across from Twilight, sniffling. Wads of tissues littered the table, as Twilight dutifully hoofed more off to the rainbow mare.

“I just... >SNIFF< I thought that maybe she felt the same...” Rainbow wailed.

“I know,” Twilight said. “It hurts, but Pinkie can't help it if she's objectum-sexual. She's still your friend, either way, and she'll always care about you...”

Rainbow dabbed at her puffy eyes, barely noticing Pinkie sprinting in. The pink mare tackled the purple one. “WHAT WAS THAT WORD YOU JUST USED?”

Twilight squirmed out from under her friend. “Which one?” she grunted.

“The objecter-rexal one,” Pinkie said. “What's it mean?”

“Objectum-sexual?” Twilight gathered. “Well, surely you already know.”

“I don't,” Pinkie quickly shook her head from side to side.

“Well... it's... What you are!” Twilight said. “A pony that falls in love with inanimate objects.”

Pinkie started to smile, “You mean I'm NOT the only one after all?”

“No, of course not,” Twilight said. “While objectum-sexuality isn't very common, it's certainly not unheard of. Wait here,” as Twilight trotted off to one of the shelves of books, Pinkie noticed Rainbow Dash.

“Don't be sad, Rainbow,” Pinkie said. “Whatever I did, I'm sorry.”

“No, I'm the one who should be sorry,” Rainbow Dash said. “I judged you for something you can't help, and I know how much that can hurt. Even if you don't love me as anything more than a best friend, I still want to be by your side and make you happy.”

“Don't worry about that,” Pinkie said. “Being with you always makes me happy.”

“That's all I needed to hear,” Rainbow Dash said, drying her eyes a bit more.

Twilight returned, a book held in her magic. She opened it to a particular page, and gestured a hoof at it. “This mare's name is Erika, and she's married to a tower in Mareis Prance.”

“Really?”

“Mm-hmm,” Twilight nodded. “And there are other mares like her,” she began flipping the pages.

“I just got the most incredible mail anypony's ever received in all of recorded Pony-Postal-History!” Pinkie exclaimed to Fluttershy and Twilight. She took a piece of paper, seemingly from nowhere, and pointed an excited hoof at it. “It's a flier about a one day sale on used patio furniture!” she fell backwards, squealing. “Could this day get any better!”

Twilight and Fluttershy smiled at each other, rolling their eyes.

Pinkie darted out of the library, and over to the field where the sale was being held. She pranced around, in her own little slice of heaven, before her eyes came to rest upon the best thing she had ever seen ever!

There, in the clearing, right between a couple of old tables, was the chair. Her chair! The one she had fallen for all those years ago! She ran towards it, and placed a hoof against his soft cushions. “You!” she exclaimed to the salespony. “How much is he- Uh, I mean, it!”

The salespony adjusted his glasses. “Well, we got that one from a group of rock-farmers... It's quite the antique... I wouldn't be able to let it go for any less than fifty bits.”

Pinkie deflated. Fifty bits? Fifty bits!? She grabbed her wallet from wherever she had been keeping the flier earlier, and dug around in it. She only had thirty five. She immediately attempted to execute her standard haggling practice, but the salespony saw right through it.

“If you can't afford it, you're gonna have to leave,” he said.

“Please sir!” Pinkie begged, throwing herself at the stallions hooves. This couldn't be happening! Pinkie couldn't be losing her one chance at finally being with her long lost love!

“What's wrong, Pinks?” a voice asked from overhead.

Pinkie looked up to see Rainbow Dash descending for the ground.

“This little filly can't afford to buy this chair,” the salespony explained. “So, she was going to leave.”

“I don't think so,” Rainbow Dash said. “How many more bits do you need, Pinkie?”

“Fifteen,” Pinkie answered.

“Got it,” Rainbow said, producing the missing money.

Pinkie grinned wider than she'd ever thought possible. “Oh, thank you so much, Dashie!” she cried, pulling her friend into a spine-crushing hug.

“No problem,” Dash shrugged.

That night, Pinkie chose to sleep in the chair rather than in her bed. She curled up on its fluffy cushions, breathing deeply. She entered a more serene sleep than she ever had before, overcome by warmth and happiness.