Life and Death

by Semicolon Dash

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Adventure
Length: 4959

A strange pony wakes up in jail cell with no memory of his past and tries to discover who he is.

A mysterious pony wakes up one day to find himself caught in a dark jail cell with no recollection of his past.
All he knows are a few random tidbits and commonplace facts.
Trapped in this cell with no memory and no interaction, he finds himself lost in thought, trying to discover what happened. What do his memories hide, and how far will have to go to discover their secrets?

Published 2012-06-08 19:04:03 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-22 00:26:00 UTC

Awakening

I slowly came to my senses, greeted by a dim light bouncing off of grimy concrete walls. A dull pain crept through my body, aggravated by the barren concrete bed I found myself lying on.

Where am I? I slowly adjusted my weight onto my hooves and began to observe the situation. Above me hung a single dim light, hung off the low ceiling by a short, rusted chain. The dim, pale light bounced off the concrete walls and gave the room the appearance of being a tomb.

I slowly cantered around the tiny room, which was just about large enough for me to sprawl out on the floor with not much space leftover. I observed the cell carefully, with the hope of finding something that struck me. Nope, just iron and concrete. The only thing I saw of any note was an iron portcullis which bridged my box to the rest of the complex. I pressed my snout against the cold metal and tried to get a glimpse of what lied around me, but alas, the lighting was too dim and the corridors too winding for me see anything of note. I was truly alone.

Perhaps I should yell for help. Maybe somepony will help me. I backed away slowly from the gate.

No… I am clearly a prisoner. Who in their right mind would help a… prisoner. I tried to wrack my brains for some clue as to why I was here, but I couldn’t remember anything. Not the slightest detail came to mind on how I found myself in this gloomy predicament. The only thing that I could think of was a menagerie of strange facts and tidbits that had no personal relevance.

All ponies have a cutie mark though… maybe that will give me some insight into my memories. I glanced back at my dark brown flank, and my heart sank. A quill on a skull? That is as cryptic as this situation… I let out a deep sigh.

How is it that I can remember what a cutie mark is but have no idea who I am? Was I that unimportant? Was I just another pony cantering around Equestria with but a semblance of a purpose? I hung my head and slowly pulled myself to my bed and let myself fall against the concrete with a dull thud.

Did I have a love back where I was from? A family perhaps? I pondered carefully, but the emptiness in my heart told me otherwise. No… I had nothing, I was a loner. Perhaps I’ve never had anything but myself. My heart continued to sink and I felt a chill descend upon my body. I slowly dropped my head, shifting my body so that it would land on my crimson mane to protect my face from the dampness of the cold stone.

How does anypony survive without love? If I remember one thing, it is that everypony is striving to find somepony to include in their life. Strong pangs of loneliness assaulted my senses and I pulled my body tighter. This sense of emptiness and loneliness is so strong, certainly I have faced this emotion for a long time if it is this oppressive. I began to feel tears well up in my eyes as I pulled even tighter upon myself. No, I cannot cry… I mustn’t. If I have survived all these years with myself, certainly I can make it a bit longer.

A harsh clanging interrupted my depressed reverie, and I heard a drawling voice speak with a hint of snideness. “You finally have come to your senses, eh? Well, I was ordered to bring you some food.” I loosened my body and cocked my head just in time to see a gray stallion slap a tray of food down, causing a bit of the mush to spill onto the dusty floor.

“Where am I? Better yet, who am I?” I blurted out. The stallion simply rolled his eyes and gave a quick snort before walking away. So I really am no one…

I again lifted myself out of the cold bed and sniffed the tray, not out of hunger, but out of curiosity. It reeked of a mixture of sludge of vomit, and turned any sense of an appetite that I may have had away. I again scanned my new abode, desperate for a window to materialize out of thin air, or anything for that matter.

Is this what it is like to be stuck in purgatory? Neither here nor there, just waiting for when they will call your name and release you. Is this living? Or even at that, is this death? Is it possible for one to be both dead and alive at the same time? Are they really mutually exclusive? The thoughts raged through my mind incessantly, until in a moment of calmness hit me, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “I certainly was a bit of a thinker, where ever I was before,” I muttered with the tiniest fraction of a smile on my face. But I can see the allure of thinking. How can one be focused on sadness when one can focus on the peculiarities of life? Maybe that’s how I survived alone. I lived with my thoughts, and maybe these thoughts are company enough.

I began to get lost in thought again, but I was suddenly struck by the creeping pain that was slowly getting worse. The dull pain was beginning to turn into an assault upon my body that, if I kept pacing around, would surely becoming unbearable within no time. I dragged myself to the cold bed once more and laid myself down, this time closing my eyes and clearing my thoughts. The thought that perhaps tomorrow, I would have a better clarity of self eased my soul and put me to sleep.

Lamentation

I rolled over once more, slowly opening my eyes. The dull pain was still humming like someone had wedged a weak cattle prod into my spine. As I slowly struggled to keep my eyes open, I glanced around one more time, hoping that the previous events were all a dream.

So... yesterday was real? Was it even yesterday? In the confines of this box, there is no passage of time. Everything is just one undefined blur. I was still tired, but the concrete was too uncomfortable to sleep upon. I instead lumbered to my hooves and began to slowly pace around the cell.

Is this death? My thoughts fell back to that depressing topic again. In this void, do I really exist? Yes. I must. Here I am thinking, an act that only I can do for myself. How could I not exist and think at the same time... The ideas just rolled off of my head with seemingly little effort. I had clearly thought about this topic many times before.

So, if I do exist, then this place must be somewhere, and that if I got here, there is always a hope of getting out. If I can go from point a to point b, then there is always a way to get back to point a. It's just a matter of finding a way... A glimmer of hope struck my heart and for the first time since I woke up here. I actually felt hopeful. I will escape.

However, the jaws and hooves of a pony are not built for cleaving metal and concrete, so I would have to sit here and wait,until the path was made clear to me. In my quiet contemplation, my thoughts fell towards my body. "No wings... no horn," I muttered, glancing at my sides. I am just a simple earth pony it seems... How I am jealous of the pegasi and the unicorns. Certainly the magic or flight could be used to get me out of here. But alas, I appear to just be a simple pony whose only talent is getting myself stuck in voids of space and thinking. Not particularly useful talents... My heart sank once more; I had no way to escape, unless somehow my thinking and cunning had already paved a way.

My thoughts were still stuck on my body. My body is useless... it would seem. Just a husk for my thoughts with no particular use except to allow me to move my thoughts around the world. How useless it is that I don't have wings or a horn. The things I could do with those... I simply could not get it out of my mind. Every thought was piercing and aimed straight at my plain body.

Imagine... with the wings of a pegasus, I could hide on the ceiling and trick the guard into opening the gate, and in a moment of surprise dart through and fly towards freedom. And once free, I would have the freedom of the entire world. I could fly where ever I wanted and be free of everything. It suddenly hit me. I never loved not because I failed to find love, but because I didn't want love. I thoroughly enjoyed the freedom of being alone so much that the experience of loneliness was just something that I accepted and had to tolerate. However, it still left a nagging emptiness in my heart. Maybe it isn't worth it... being alone. Maybe I could find more reward if I found another just like me. We could travel the world and exchange ideas together. My heart fluttered a little and a hint of a smile graced my face. Yes, this is what I need.

I stared at the ground for a bit, examined particles of dirt and dust, hoping to find something inspirational. Maybe a pattern, maybe just an oddity. I stared at it for what felt like a good 15 minutes, and found nothing of interest. I paced back and forth a bit when I heard a stone get kicked beneath my hooves. Where did this? I didn't see this before. I picked up the stone between my hooves and closely examined it. It was much different than the concrete of the cell, and when I held it, I felt a radiating sense of inspiration. As I looked closely into the stone, my jaw dropped. Is that... Equestria?

The face of the stone was a magnificent iridescent crystal and etched into it was a map, with a small, barely discernible script that read "Equestria". The crystal picked up the dull light and managed to radiate a pure beauty to it. If this stone can radiate hope and inspiration in the darkness... imagine how it must look in the light of day. A strong longing came over me as I clutched the stone closely. "Equestria... I will find you once more, I will escape this prison," I proclaimed in the darkness, with only the void as my witness.

Revelation

Days have passed in this cell and nothing has changed. I am still trapped, still alone, and I grow further emaciated and maddened by the day. Granted, the food is less nauseating than it was the first day, but it still requires a great deal of effort to force myself to eat it every day. The pains of hunger are certainly much worse than the pains of eating this horrible food.

Infrequently, voices have started whispering to me. I remembered reading somewhere that all ponies slowly lose their mind in solitary confinement. I suppose minds lost in thought, like my own, are destined to descend faster into madness than most.

I looked up with my gaunt eyes and my face more solemn then it has ever been. My ears were perpetually drooped and depression rolled upon me, breaking me down like waves on a beach. I searched for that precious stone, the only thing that gave me hope in this darkness. I clutched it carefully between my hooves and held it to the light. It glowed dimly, but had since lost most of its luster. Everything is dying here. This place… is not an average jail. This place must be where the most hardened criminals go to die. What did I do to deserve this?

“What does anypony do to deserve this,” I whispered beneath my breath. I tossed the rock at the far wall, wanting to be free of the images it conjured. Whenever I held it, I saw the most magnificent images in my mind’s eye. I saw images of the most beautiful arrays of colors, reflecting and refracting, like the works of a famous painter. I desperately wanted to be there, to be out of this dingy, dark, hell that I lived in.

A voice rung out in the silence: purgatory. My muse fired up at that familiar word. If only I had known just how right I was. I let out a deep sigh, hoping to release my emotions in the process. I really am in purgatory. But what do ponies in purgatory do? Do we just sit here and wait to pass on, or is it possible to do something about it. Another voice rung out: true stallions don’t settle for chance, they define it.

I sat for a minute and pondered those words. They sounded so vaguely familiar, like a voice from the past, just recently brought to light. True stallions don’t settle for chance, they define it. I repeated it in my head slowly. In my mind I saw a ray of light and things began to make sense to me once more. My mind was immediately brought to probability: If something has any chance, even though most imperceptible of probabilities, if you do that thing enough times, you will have come closer to success than if you did nothing. There is no guarantee that you win, but at the same time there is no guarantee that you will lose. You have to play your cards so that fate is on your side.

Everything began to make sense and I began to feel a strong energy vibrate within me. For the first time in days I could see clearly again. I knew what I had to do. If I don’t leave here, I die. However, there is not one soul that would miss me if I died here. To everyone, I am already dead, so what difference is it where I die? I have no one to live for but myself now. I have the opportunity to choose my own fate now, so why not die trying? If I fail, nothing has changed and the inevitable has been achieved. If I succeed, then I am a free pony. Trying is clearly the only way.

“I choose to live,” I proclaimed as a newfound strength coursed through me. I had never felt this confident before. I will know nothing but success.

I trotted to the edge of the cell farthest from the portcullis. I stared it down for a second, pondering the situation. I have no other option. As hard as it will be, I must break this gate down. I reared my head and snorted, trying to get my blood pumping faster. I started dragging my main hoof against the ground, trying to prepare myself. It’s now or never. I let myself loose and charged and quickly as I could. There was not much distance to the gate, so I tried to pick up speed as quickly as I could, but before I knew it, my nose was close to slapping against the steel so I quickly twisted my body and attempted to slam myself against the bars.

A loud thud rung out and a sharp pain entered my side as I collapsed onto the floor. As I slowly struggled to get back on my hooves, I turned my head to assess the situation. The gate had stopped me cold, and I left only the slightest impression in one of the bars. Hardly any progress, but at least I know these bars are not invincible. Perhaps they can actually be broken. I let out a whine as I got up, struggling from the sharp pains in my side. As I got up, I walked a few paces to assess my own situation. Well, you can still walk, and it doesn’t feel like anything is broken. Perhaps I can still muster more round against this portcullis.

I pulled myself back to the far wall, slowly recovering my stride with each step. I can’t just stop after one try. Once simply is not enough. I tried to loosen my muscles and get myself ready for another round. You’ve got this. Freedom will be yours. I could see it in my head: Equestria with all of its color and beauty. I glanced at the stone I threw before and I saw the map glinting in the light. I felt a wave of inspiration as I forced my sore body to charge once more. As I rapidly approached the barrier, I quickly twisted my body, this time in the opposite direction, and sent myself barreling into the gate again.

Another dull thud reverberated through the complex. My entire body felt like it was on fire, and I could barely force myself back up. I looked expectantly at the bars, but my heart dropped. They are still there, and I can’t even see any additional damage. I limped back to my bed, luckily nothing was broken. Perhaps charging isn’t the best way to get out of here. I mused on this obvious conclusion for a few minutes until I saw a glinting padlock in the corner of my eye. That must be the lock that holds it shut. I paused for a second, processing the situation. Wait just a second, maybe I could find a way to pick it!

I frantically searched around for something to pick the lock with, and after a few minutes of searching, I found two thin rods that would suffice. But I don’t even know how to pick a lock. I only have the vaguest notion on how locks even work. In my head, I visualized a key and examined it carefully. I saw the notches, and after pondering the key for a minute, a pattern began to form. Wait, so locks have pins in them… and keys have notches… so what if each pin corresponds to a notch and the point is to get the pins to match the positions of the notches in the key. I stared at the two tiny rods I had laying on my bed. What if I bent the tip of one these rods so that it had a nice sharp angle to it… then I could more easily reach the pins… like a key!

I picked up one of the rods and began pressing one of the ends against the wall and after a few moments of pressing, it began to resemble the tip of a key with its angled point. However, I still had looming doubts. But how would I press all of the pins in at once? I vaguely remember reading somewhere that ponies can pick locks with only two rods… I was slightly disheartened, but continued to puzzle over the situation. There has to be an answer… wait… what I used the other rod to twist the lock, that way the friction would hold the pins in place. A chill went down my spine as I shuddered in anticipation. I might actually be able to do this! The knowledge flowed so quickly to me, like I was remembering an old manual. Perhaps, in a way, I had prepared for this day in the past. Perhaps everything we do prepares us for days like these.

I clutched the newly fashioned lockpicking set and limped my way over to the gate. My body still felt like it was on fire from my duel with steel. I dropped the picks carefully by the lock, sat down and positioned myself. I clutched the hooked pick in my mouth and the straight rod between my front hooves. Here we go… to freedom!

I jammed the straight rod into the lock and began twisting it until I couldn’t twist it any longer. I bent in and carefully inserted the pick into the lock and began feeling around. I heard the soft clicks of metal on a metal, and when I pushed, I could feel the pins move. Excitement bubbled inside me. This is actually working! I carefully moved down the line of pins, pushing them, while still twisting the rod to maintain friction. Every now and then I could feel one of the pins not come back down after being released. One step closer to victory. I twisted a little harder to maintain the pressure on the pins. Without notice, I heard a snap and my hooves flew forward. The pick flew out of my mouth in the tumult and when I looked in my hooves, I saw that my rod had broken.

I just sat there, with my mouth agape, as despair flooded my body. I… I was so close… freedom was only an inch away. As I sat there contemplating the situation, anger flooded over me.

“No!” I yelled out, “I chose life! I cannot fail now after coming this close to victory. It can’t end like this.” I kicked the door out of frustration. With every step, my anger grew. How could you do this to me? I pleaded to fate, hoping that somehow, fate would respond. I was so close, only to be let down. You can’t tease me like this! I will not lose.

I walked to the far wall one last time. “I will not lose,” I repeated aloud. I visualized Equestria basking in sunlight, and I knew what I had to do. I charged down the gate with all of my force and speed, this time not caring to shift my weight. I ran the gate head on with no fear or doubt. Within moments a loud thud echoed as my head collided against the steel bars. Raging pain filled my entire body as everything faded to black and I collapsed onto the cold concrete.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I slowly came back to consciousness again, my body still feeling that familiar dull pain that I had become so accustomed to. As I got my bearings, I tried to figure out what was happening but my vision kept blurring and losing focus. You moron, you probably gave yourself a concussion. I stumbled a bit on the cold concrete as I got reacquainted with my body. Once my vision came back to normal, I worked past the headache that started barraging my head and tried to assess the situation. As I twisted my body to observe, I couldn’t help letting out a groan of pain. My body is so stiff… I must’ve been out cold for a while. My eyes slowly scanned the wall from stone to stone until I reached the portcullis.

“What in the hay… it’s… it’s… gone?!” I stammered, barely able to maintain coherent thought between my headache and my confusion. Where did it go? Did I – no, I couldn’t have. There was no sign of damage anywhere: no broken bars, no dents, and the lock was still intact. Somepony… must’ve opened it. Why though? Am I being set free? Is this an accident? Questions flooded through my mind for a good while until I decided to take the opportunity and hope for the best. I had gotten this far, no reason to stop now.

I walked to the back of the cell and picked up the stone in my mouth before descending into the dimly lit tunnels. I’m going to need this, I just know. As I descended into the tunnel, I realized that there would be no way to know if I was going the right way. I could be lost in here forever, for all I knew. Or maybe not… There are only so many options I can pick, eventually, even if I just pick randomly, I will hit the right path. However, I had no way of knowing where I’d been. There were no distinguishing marks on the walls, just the same grimy concrete stones that papered the cell walls. The only thing that broke the monotony of stone were the occasional spiderweb and lantern.

For what felt like hours I followed the tunnels, and I made no discernible progress. How far do these tunnels go? This is more hopeless than being stuck in that cage. At least in there I had a tangible target… here I have a nearly infinite number of choices and no distinguishing features. Maybe… maybe I could make my own distinguishing features. If I left a trail, then I could navigate through here more efficiently. Suddenly, an idea hit me. I spit the stone out of my mouth and grabbed at my mane. I found a streak of red fur and ripped it out with a slight grunt of pain. As I rolled the crimson strands of fur between my hooves, I was flooded with excited thoughts. I can use this to mark where I’ve been. It’s certainly vibrant enough. I felt a slight pang of sadness though; it was strange to look upon my fur like this. I don’t think I had ever torn a chunk out of me like that. I picked up the stone again in my mouth and continued carefully with one hoof raised slowly dispensing my fur as I walked. Much to my dismay, after a few minutes of trotting along, I found myself facing a trail of familiar crimson fur. Wait… that… I’ve been walking in circles? I let out a heavy sigh. Well at least I’m not terribly lost, just… misguided. Now I can start to find the real answer to this maze.

With my newly gained insight, I continued to spelunk through the tunnels, slowly exhausting all possible paths. Everytime I came across a crimson trail, mixed feelings of excitement and disappointed afflicted me. Excitement because I was one step closer to victory, but disappointment because it means I still was going in circles. As time passed, the frequency of the trails increased, and the amount of fur in my mane decreased. Luckily I still have plenty of black in my mane to make up the difference. I chuckled at this private though. I grew sick of seeing the concrete walls and the monochromacity of the situation. Everything around me was some shade of gray, with only my precious stone and my body being glimmers of color. I followed my trail of crimson back to the previous unexplored path. Not many paths left to go, I must be getting close. I couldn't tell whether I was excited or nervous. I wonder if this is some sort of… elaborate prank to make me think I have freedom: to thoroughly crush my soul so I can die a hopeless death. I turned down the path and followed it for a surprisingly long period of time, longer than I followed any of the other individual trails. Could I have… dare I say… succeeded? No, best not to get my hopes up yet. A few bits of rock spilled into my mouth as anxiety tightened by grip on the stone.

After a few more minutes of walking, something caught my eye. Is that… a door? Lo and behold, before me stood a wooden door, with light creeping between the door and the frame. Is this still purgatory, am I walking to heaven now? I mused, not quite convinced yet that I was dead. I dropped the remaining pieces of fur from my hoof into a small crimson heap. With a hoof I gingerly pushed at the door, excitement bubbling within me. As it opened, I was blinded by a strong light as the prismatic stone rolled out of my gaping mouth. Tears began to roll down my face as I felt the strongest emotions I had ever known. Chills ran up and down my spine, my heart raced, and my mind went blank. I collapsed in the grass, and the sensations of the grass prickling my side only made the tears roll faster. My eyes finally adjusted to the light as I took in the vibrant colors on the landscape; every color that I could imagine was there. While scanning the scenery, my eyes found the stone I dropped, I found that in the light of the sun, it was more beautiful than I ever imagined. The iridescent stone flickered and radiated in the light like a mystical visage, and on it, I could see two brightly glowing points. As I observed them closely, I saw that the one had a small label underneath it that read “Canterlot” while the other said nothing.

“I know where I have to go… surely the princess can help me regain my lost memory.” I said softly to myself, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes. But I don’t even know where I am now! I could be anywhere. I barely remember anything about Equestria. Why is it that I must carry such a terrible burden? My worries remained unassailed and I decided to simply do what I’ve always done and wander along until I found my destination. It’s not like I have much else I can do in this situation. This stone will guide me, I'm sure of it. I grabbed the stone in my mouth again, and I was filled with a sense of exuberance.

“Onward into mystery I suppose.” I said, pausing for a second, taking in the beauty of Equestia, “to Canterlot!”