Who's Your Daddy?

by MonolithiuM

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy
Length: 787

Shining Armor needs to keep his infant son from killing himself.

Flurry Heart, daughter of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor, has a death wish. Of this her father is sure, after all a foal can attempt to consume cleaning chemicals so many times before you get it. Shining Armor is a dedicated father, capable Prince, and master of defensive magic. In the presence of his child, he can only hope to be a stressed guardian angel bewildered by his daughter's antics.

Cadence will be home in four minutes, then Flurry will calm down and realize that as long as mommy is in the world there's no point in leaving it. Shining Armor has four minutes to keep his daughter away from any outlets, bleach, and anything in the kitchen.

'Who's Your Daddy' game created by Joe Williams

ADD THE FLURRY HEART TAG ALREADY YOU DIPSHI–

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-13 05:43:25 UTC

Stop it son, you are doing me a frighten

Shining Armor's eyes quickly moved between his waking infant son and the slowly ticking wall clock. Two o'clock, that's what Cadence had said. She'd be home by two o'clock and take his murderous son off his hooves, then Shining could take a nap and not worry about fishing crystals out of his son's throat. Shining didn't need to wonder how Noble Decree could lift a hammer and swing it hard enough to shatter a piece of crystal pillar: he was the product of a powerful unicorn and alicorn mating. What Shining needed to know was why Cadence kept a hammer taped under the bathroom sink.

Alicorns are weird.

As it was now, Shining's full attention was focused completely on Noble as the suicidal foal awoke from his peaceful slumber. There was a moment, just as Noble's head turned to stare outside of the crib, that he and his father's eyes locked in a silent confirmation of their upcoming duel with danger. Then, like a parasprite at an eating competition, Noble snatched a wooden block and stuffed it in his mouth. Leaping into action, Shining gave Noble a pat on the back and the block was sent directly into the father's face, startling him. The loss of grip afforded Noble the chance to scoot his way into the next room.

Shining saw the hind hoof of his son shimmy out of sight past the doorway and swore, then stood and ran into the dining area. He could see no sign of the self-destructive son, but Shining knew that he was in there. He could feel Noble doing horrendous damage to himself. Shining stood still for a few moments, his ears perked and ready to catch the little schlemiel bashing his head on the fine dinner plates. A small clinking of glassware made him throw open the server's lower doors, catching noble trying to deepthroat a candelabra.

His foal's eyes met his and the door slammed shut in his face, a blue glow fading soon after. Shining's horn itself radiated a pink aura, yanking it back open, only to once again have it slammed shut. With a snort of annoyance and a mild huff of panic, Shining instead opted to kick in the glass panelling, showering Noble with tasty glass shards. Tasty glass shards that Noble swapped out for the candelabra, which Shining snagged in his magic and tossed on top of the server. Seeing Noble eating the glass gave Shining a moment of heart-shredding fear, until he remembered the medication that Doctor Pulmonary had given to him.

As soon as the foal finished consuming the razor-sharp frosted glass, Shining chucked a few pills down Noble's throat, instantly sealing the wounds in his throat and intestines. Noble sat still, eyes unblinking and creeping the ever-loving hell out of Prince Shining Armor. Then he farted the harmless, powdered remains of the glass he had just consumed. Without taking another second, Noble skedaddled out of the room, his father trailing closely behind into Cadence's 'Beauty Room'.

A bottle of crystal polisher was torn from right in front of Noble, then the tube of horn jelly that Shining had used to clear up any aches after Sombra's attack. A brief game of tug-o-war was engaged when both Noble and Shining's magic grasped a jar of mushed avocado, ending in Shining Armor's defeat, his eyes filled with squishy green paste. Wiping his eyes with a towel, the Prince saw Noble fall into the spa tub and a pink glow turn the faucet's knob.

In one deft motion, Shining threw the step-stool away, unplugged the drain, and closed the tap. As soon as he was finished, Noble had already hopped out of the tub and made a break to another object of interest: Mommy's dryer chair. The magical bowl lowered onto the top half of Noble's body, quickly heating up to temperature's not safe for a newborn foal. Shining Armor could smell the burning coat hair from where he was flailing, tumbling end over end after struggling out of the tub, luckily landing on the power cord to the chair.

Noble's body came out from beneath the heating equipment, eyes still wide and disturbing, his mane and coat frazzled and singed. A quick hop down and he was out the door. Scrambling after his son, Shining Armor kicked off the wet towel and unwrapped the power cord from around his front hooves.

Shining saw the pinkish-white bottom half of his son wiggle into the pantry and once again made his way over. Years of training and grueling arcane practice found itself outpaced and outmatched by a single self-murdering foal. Oh, life, how you jest.