Burning Axe takes a Journey to Princess Sunbutt
(#All Hail Princess Moon Butt)
Nightmare Moon threw back her head and laughed uproariously. “The night will LAST FOREVER!”
I raise my hoof lazily. “I have a question for you my queen.”
“YES! Thou, brown pony.”
“Where will this happen?”
“What do you mean where? Right HERE in EQUESTRIA!”
“Well, what about the other side of the world?”
“What about the other side?”
“It'll be eternal daytime!”
“...”
“Yes. According to the spherical shape of the world, unless you create two moons, it is impossible scientifically to have eternal night all across the world. Somewhere you'll create daylight!”
“But...but...”
“Besides, there is the problem of crops. Even if having an eternal night was profitable and doable, crops will die and wither. We would starve to death and whatnot...and um...”
I glance at my hoof stealthily. Enclosed in my hoof is a couple of note-cards given to me by a purple pony. She just walked to my cave in the Everfree forest, teleported me out of the cave into her library and gave me these note-cards. My mind wanders to the conversation.
(Flashback)
“So, I have decided for this loop, you get to handle Nightmare Moon.”
“Uh...who?”
“Nightmare Moon, mare in the moon, the shadow pony, Princess Solena, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia's sister.”
I cock my head sideways. “Princess Sunbutt has a sister?”
“Yep. Like, I'm an alicorn.”
“But you don't have any wings...” My voice trails off.
“Of course I don't. It's not time yet. That was last loop. Oh, and by the way, thanks for the rutting last loop.”
I blush furiously. “SAY WHAT?”
“You wouldn't remember. It was last time loop. And...” Her eyes flicker sideways. “Oh, ya, and Rainbow Dash says thanks. Finally...it took her a couple of hundred loops to get over that rutting. Now if only I could convince her to do that again. Oh well...I've got all eternity before me.”
I gape at her. “Wait, what?”
“Anyways, where were we? Oh, right, Nightmare Moon.”
“I...uh...what? Loops? Rutting?”
She facehoofs. “Right. Here's the deal. We're in a time loop, where after a couple of years...I think we're finally up to every seven years or so. But anyways, I don't feel like dealing with Nightmare Mare this time around. And since no other of the mane six is awake, I need you to do the work for me. As for the rest, ignore me.”
“...”
She glares at me. “Don't faint at me.”
“I...you...whaaat?”
“Nevermind. Just read these note-cards. Let me know how it goes.” She shoves me out the door. “She'll return tomorrow at the celebration, so be ready. Okay thanks bye.”
I just stand there in shock. I hear the door close behind me. Okay...what just happened?
I hear her speak from behind the door. “Dear Princess Sunbutt. Haha, oh my ash, I love this nickname. Best nickname ever! Princess Sunbutt, I have initiated Nightmare Moon plan number nine eight three two five four six six six and forty three. This should be amusing. I invite you to listen in to the conversation while you are banished to the sun. K thanks bye, love ya. Faithful blah blah whatever. I am ETERNAL TWILIGHT! Sorry Sunbutt, I'm bored.”
That mare is crazy. I think I'm going to just humor her now. Now, where is this celebration that she mentioned?
(Flashback)
And that is how I got here. I hear Nightmare Moon gaping at me. I raise my hoof again.
“Oh ya, don't forget about the paperwork Moonbutt!”
“PAPERWORK? WHAT IS THIS PAPERWORK THOU SPEAKETH OF?”
“Well, as Princess...well, now Queen, you have to maintain politics and paperwork from all the noble. Stuff like damage reports every day from Ponyville, the war with the Changelings and Discord.”
“DISCORD?”
“Yep. He's here. Though he's in sealed away. He breaks free eventually.”
“Well...”
“So what say you? Princess Moonbutt? Do we get Princess Sunbutt back?”
“You know what. I'm done. TIA!!!! Come back and get your crazy planet back. I'm going on vacation.”
She disappears in a flash of purple magic. Princess Sunbutt reappears in front of me. “Well, that was unexpected.” A scroll appears with a puff of magic and I see a quill come start writing. “Dear Twilight Sparkle, I need you to track down a certain Nightmare Moon. She appears to have taken a voluntary vacation...to the moon. Again.”
The scroll disappears. Two seconds later another scroll appears. “Seriously Sunbutt?”
“Yes seriously Twilight.”
Another puff of magic. “Well, damn it. I thought I could relax. Can you do it?”
“No.”
“Pleaseeeee?”
My eyes are starting to hurt from all these puffs of magic. “No.”
“Pretty please with a death by toffee courtesy of Pinkie Pie on top.”
“No.”
“I have bananas.”
“No.”
“Cake?”
“No.”
“Death by chocolate?”
“No.”
“Cupcakes?”
“No. And double no if it is Pinkamena's cupcakes.”
“Well what about a three-dimensional printer?”
“You gave me that last loop.”
“What about a nuclear submarine?”
“You gave me that twenty loops ago. The Yamato, two hundred ago. A working lightsaber about a thousand loops after I starting looping. JUST DO IT.”
“Fine. Sunbutt.”
“Who in the broad name of Tartarus came up with that STUPID nickname?”
“Burning Axe. Brown Pegasi, one green and one blue eye.”
She turns and glares at me. I back away. She smirks at me. “So...Sunbutt huh...do you know what I do to ponies who call me that?”
“Uh...what?”
She leans in close to me. She nibbles on my ear before whispering. “I buck them.”
A flash of bright white light covers me. When the light clears I see the inside of a stone room.
“Where am I?”
“Why, Burning Axe, it's my room. Now do you want to have some fun?”
“Uh...sure?”
“Great! Sleep first! Talk later!”
“WAIT WHAT?”
A flash of light blinds me...then nothing.
(Later)
I hear voices. I strain to open my eyes.
“Naughty naughty naughty. Not yet master. Mistress would you please explain what's going on to poor little master here.” My ears twitch to the sound of Sunbutt's voice.
“Why gladly. It appears that Burning Axe is about to take a trip to Sunbutt's plot! First, he will take a rollercoaster ride around the legs of Equestria, while tangling with the tongue of a very lovely Moonbutt. Then he will have to battle against the ferocious Nightmare Moon on-top of the Moon, making use of his awesome seducing powers and handsome face in order to survive. But if he lives, well, Moonbutt, will you explain what happens next?”
“Why gladly Twilight Sparkle...ehrm...Starbutt.” I hear giggling. “Then he will face in the nether realm, the Great and Powerful Trixie and her minions of explosive diaherria. Then in the realm of space, he must fight off the Space Changelings in order to reach the final step. In the battleground of sheen Chaos he must battle Discord and win. But all will be worth it, cause he will reach the ultimate prize. A dip into Sunbutt's central core and a lick of her precious liquids.”
I mumble a curse. “Well, I guess it can't be too bad...right?”
“Right. Remember, you have sixty six and six health and sixty nine lives to make it. Good luck. Begin the trials.”
“Wait, WHAT! NOOO!!!” My voice fades off as I feel myself being teleported. I open my eyes for the first time and I notice that I'm on a rollarcoaster. In my ear I hear a voice speak.
“Welcome aboard the Equestrian World Tours. In the front are our navigation choices, as the current tracks are a maze. Your destination is the Moon. Be warned as your only defense lies in the back of the train. You will have to choose between fighting off kissing and glomps and driving. Good luck oh worthy one.”
I look behind me and notice an army of Nightmare Moon. Well this can't be too bad...right?
A heart shape flies towards me and misses. I look behind and I see a mountain disappear in the resulting explosion. I look back and see the Nightmares smirk at me.
“Well buck.”
(POV: Twilight Sparkle)
“How long until we tell him that it's one giant illusion?”
I look at the mind projection in front of me. I shrug. “Not sure Princess. How about you go grab Luna and we watch the show?”
“Sounds good. Do you want me to grab Cadance and Shining Armor while I'm at it?”
“Sure thing Celestia! I'll make popcorn.”
Author's Note
(Author's Note: Celestia is best pony. But trollestia is BEST SUNBUTT! Luna is still BEST PRINCESS!)
Title: Burning Axe Journey's to Sunbutt