Dear Discord, I hate you so much!

by Lise

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Romance, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1075

When Discord receives a letter from an unknown sender, he has no choice but to start reading... although he might wish he hadn't.

Discord never expected to get a letter, especially one of such peculiar nature. Yet, despite the unorthodox way in which it arrived and its unusual contents, there is one thing on his mind: Wait, what?!

Audio reading by CaptainBron3y
(Many thanks, Captain!)

Special thanks to Malefactory for editing.

Published 2016-01-12 04:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-12 04:40:03 UTC

Dear Discord

The letter didn't arrive through mail — it came hidden in a scroll, sent via dragon breath. When it appeared, Discord had just been about to enjoy a nice, long nap after a productive day of chaos. The scroll ruined all that, popping out of thin air, and falling on the pillow before the draconequus' head could.

"Now this is plain rude!" The God of Chaos grumbled, then, after a minute of ignoring the message, grabbed and unrolled it. A single white envelope was inside, addressed, as one might imagine, to him. As for the scroll itself — it was completely blank... with the exception of a Don't ask *frownyface* hastily written on one end.

"What idiot spells out 'frownyface'," Discord arched a brow, as he tore up the envelope and started to read.

Dear Discord,

I hate you so much!!!

For a creature claiming to be millennia old, you really are dense! Seriously, how much more obvious must I get? It's not like I haven't been giving you hints every time you were nearby! You really really really annoy me! Actually, you annoy me so much that I've torn up this letter three times already! Really, drake, what's wrong with you?! I would understand if you were blind, but you aren't! When it comes to causing chaos, you can spot a butterfly thousands of miles away, give it giant iron wings and send it off through a cornfield! When it comes to me, however, you are blind as a bat. At most you honour me with an 'oh'. And, yes, I admit that at first I would rush home and secretly blush each time you did, but it's been over six months now and 'oh's and 'ah's don't cut it!

And don't get me started about your old flame! I get she is a Sun Princess and all, but she imprisoned you in stone for over a thousand years! Take a hint — whatever you two had going has long been over, and no amount of groveling will change that. And don't think I haven't noticed all the hidden winks and flowers you've been sending her way 'to celebrate important occasions'. If she wanted to have anything to do with you, she would have said so. Also, that time she laughed during your stupid joke routine at the Gala — that was a pity laugh!

Alright... maybe I got carried away a bit. Sorry. It can really be infuriating sometimes. The reason I am actually writing to you is to remind you that even in this day and age it is customary for the older being to take the first step. That, and I also still get a little shy around you.

Speaking of shy, give Fluttershy a break! Sheesh! You are, like, a thousand times her age! Not that I mind the age difference, but you are making her feel uncomfortable! You have no idea how many times she's come to cry on my shoulder, not knowing what to do. You've been friendzoned, clear and simple, so stop trying to make this into something it isn't! And don't you think I don't know about all the advances you've been making during your weekly 'tea parties'! Just stop, ok? Neither Flutters, nor I appreciate them one bit!

Look, you probably are a smooth guy and all. At the end of the day, you have been around, like, since forever, and probably know much more about Equestria than all the words of all the books in all the libraries. Who knows, maybe you've been in hundreds of relationships before, but don't go flaunting yourself around expecting no reaction! I have feelings too, you know! You can't just waltz in, kick me in the heart, and then pretend nothing has happened! Are you deliberately acting like a tease? It's not nice, you know. Remember how you felt when Fluttershy went to the Gala with Tree Hugger? Well, it's the same for me, only a thousand times worse!

I'm all serious now. I just really really, really want you to notice me, at least a bit when you come over. I get if you want to keep it a secret, between the two of us and all. Seriously, I get it. I can't exactly tell my friends I have a crush on you either. At least, not right now. It will be way too awkward. Also I don't want to break any hearts just yet. Between you and me, I have some issues of my own to resolve as well. You see, things are a bit complicated right now, and I have to act gently, so as not to hurt anyone. Which would be easier if you actually let me know if anything is going on between us! Can't you, you know, give me a sign? Something that I could interpret as a yes? I'm not asking for much here! It's not like I'm demanding roses and candlelight dinners, although those would be nice.

Anyway, I better get going, before someone suspects what I am up to. And just to let you know, if you go around showing this letter to everypony, I'll deny writing it, so there! Also, I'm dictating, so good luck figuring out who this is. Unless you know already. Which you should!!

Happy bla bla, whatever, and all that other stuff!

P.S. I still hate you so much!

P.P.S. Please pass by the next time you visit Ponyville. I really love you, you goof.

Discord finished reading the letter, scratched his paw with his nose, then reread it again. This made no sense whatsoever! And it was precisely why he enjoyed it so much. Interesting who would go through all the trouble to—

"I know what this is!" the draconequus exclaimed, pleased. With the snap of his paw, a calendar appeared in the air in front of him. "April fools... Oh."

The date on the calendar read March 30th. Discord, looked at it, scratched his horn, then poofed the calendar into nothingness again. His mouth opened for a moment, as if to say something, then after several seconds of silence closed shut again. Confused, he reread the letter two more times.

"Well," he said, sitting down heavily on the bed. "Who do I send the reply to?"