Sex Ed: Twilight Style

by SmuttyMcMemverse

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 1690

Anon is finally ready to move his relationship with Twilight to the next level

What if Cadance wasn't available to teach Sex Ed for Ponyville?

Anon is finally ready to move his relationship with Twilight to the next level, so, of course, we get to hear her lesson plan.

This is posted here for a friend who doesn't want strangers to know his mind works this way.

Rated M for gratuitously uncomfortable lecturing even though there's no action (yet)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-12 05:50:02 UTC

Ready for it (finally!)

“Hey, Twi.”

I bent down and kissed Twi on the muzzle and remembered the first time we kissed.

Mouth size and shape was awkward, but Twilight, being Twilight, had already analyzed it.

“Okay, before we begin,” Twilight said breathily, her forelegs draped over my shoulders. “Based on our facial structures, I’ve determined that if you turn your head twelve degrees to your right and I turn mine thirty eight degrees to my right, our lips should line up reasonably well.”

As she finished speaking, she closed her eyes and tilted her head.

Chuckling, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. She opened her mouth slightly and pushed her tongue against my lips. As I opened my mouth to let her in, I realized just how big a pony tongue was. It filled my mouth entirely, squirming around to try to feel along my teeth before what I assumed was an attempt to tongue wrestle.

I choked as her tongue came dangerously close to my uvula.

“Sorry!” she nearly shouted, dropping to all four hooves and turning away.

I quickly squatted down and turned her head to face me. “Nothing goes right the first time.”

As I saw her calm down, I pulled our lips together and slipped my tongue into her mouth. I stretched my tongue as far as I could, but barely got past her front teeth. She, encouraged by my attempt, tentatively pushed her tongue against mine. As our tongues danced in between each other’s mouths, our breath mingled. Soon we stopped moving and just sat with our mouths pressed against each others’ and enjoying the closeness.

Twilight gave a practiced hop, landing her forelegs on my shoulders and touching her nose to mine. I wrapped my arms around and wove my fingers into her mane. We shared a quick peck on the lips before resting our cheeks against each other.

“You know how I said I needed time to get comfortable with the idea of sex with a non-human?” I began.

Twilight got her usual panicked look. “I told you it’s not that big of a deal. I can-”

I pulled back and stopped her with a finger against her lips.

“I'm ready,” I whispered.

Her already huge eyes nearly popped out of her head.

“You... You are?” she asked, her breathing speeding up.

I smiled as her shock turned to happiness, then to excitement, and finally to a blinding flash of light as she teleported away.

I was knocked on my ass as she teleported back less than five seconds later, carrying a large stack of papers.

“Oh!” Twilight exclaimed. “I almost forgot!”

She conjured up a chalk board right into the middle of the library and levitated her first page and a piece of chalk.

“So a pony stallion’s phallus is one of the largest of the intelligent races. By your build, you are probably closest to a minotaur’s size, which averages 63.2% the length and 89.0% the girth of a pony’s.” She counterpointed each of these statements by drawing very detailed penises on the chalkboard. “This is made up for with endurance, as a minotaur usually requires more than ten seconds before orgasm, while a stallion rarely lasts beyond five. We can get an accurate measurement of both size and stamina tonight, but I want to make sure you know that it’s only the lower fifth percentile of length in the case of minotaurs where size negatively impacts a mare’s ability to orgasm, and there are plenty of alternatives in case that ends up being an issue.”

I sat down, surprised, overwhelmed, and amused. There were now statistics listed beneath each drawing.

Twilight’s enthusiasm dropped a bit as she continued to lecture. “Diamond Dogs are the smallest, measuring less than fifty percent of a stallion’s in both length and girth, leaving them to be unfulfilling to other races in most instances, but they do have the fastest recovery time, usually able to become aroused less than half an hour after coitus and able to comfortably ejaculate four times in a row on average. Stallions usually do not find it comfortable to have more than two and minotaurs rarely find it comfortable to have a second, although there are unconfirmed reports of zebras going for several hours of near constant coitus, but this is assumed to be due to Zebrican potions.”

At this point, there were now three penises drawn on the chalkboard and I started to worry about the possibility of visitors walking in on us.

“Moving on, while pony and minotaur genitals are reasonably similar, Griffons have penile barbs that can be uncomfortable for other races.” A fourth drawing, complete with notations joined the other three. “If you have something similar, there are specialized caps that can be made by some Canterlot artisans if I find it to be too uncomfortable. Lastly, Diamond Dogs have a bulbous base that swells up after penetration, locking the partners together, which most other species find annoying, as it interferes with thrusting.”

“Uh, Twilight,” I interrupted, raising my hand instinctively. “Should we close the library before we continue with this?”

Twilight stared at me like I just asked why someone needed to learn how to read.

“What if a kid... a foal walked in and saw this?” I asked, blushing deeply.

Twilight looked at me flatly. “This is basic education. So far, this has only come out of grade school textbooks and Neigh’s Anatomy.”

I blinked, opened my mouth, then proceeded to decide that I did not, in fact, want to know at what age fillies and colts were taught about this.

“Oh!” Twilight said, noticing my open mouth. “Did you have a question? I was about to move on to my anatomy, but we should probably stay on subject.”

I pondered this for a minute. “Well, now that you mention it... what about changelings?”

Twilight froze. “I... We... We don’t actually have any books on changeling biology... Let’s go ask Emerald!”

“Whoa!” I almost shouted. “Let’s just keep this between us for now. I don’t think I actually need to know about changelings for this.”

Twilight snorted in irritation. “I can’t believe you just told me to ‘whoa.’ That is extremely offensive.”

I blinked in confusion. “Are you saying ‘whoa’ doesn’t mean ‘hold up’?”

Twilight gave me a flat look. “We covered this in lesson five on pre-unification history. It’s what slave owners said to the ponies they owned to make them stop.”

“So... ‘Giddy-up?’” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

Twilight blushed and stammered. “How about we get back to the lesson?”

I chuckled, watching her wings flutter and her tail twitch. “Sure.”

“Okay,” Twilight said, resuming the lecture and creating a shimmering oval distortion that magnified her nethers.

“You know,” I interrupted, feeling embarrassed for her. “You don’t need to show me that right now. We can talk about what you like when we get to the bedroom.”

“Oh?” Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “Okay, if you insist.”

She banished the magnification spell.

I gave her a comforting smile. “The only things I feel we need to discuss now are if your horn is sensitive and if there’s any places you don’t want me to touch.”

“Well... the horn does have nerve endings in the velvet covering, but even those aren’t very sensitive. There is a certain amount of sexual emphasis placed on the horn, which gives it a slight erogenous effect, but only the skin at the base is actually all that sensitive. As far as not wanting you to touch, there’s a few places that are ticklish or gross, but if there’s something that’s part of your culture, I don’t want to keep you from mentioning something due to my statements.” Twilight’s blush returned faintly. “I’m willing to try to get used to something if it’s a turn on for you.”

Twilight cleared her throat and levitated up another stack of notes. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about positions before we get to the bedroom? I find it easier to explain some of the more kinky positions with diagrams. I mean, if we were to just try dolphin style without talking about where I would put my wings and how our barrels would rest against each other, I could see us having such an uncomfortable time with that face to face position that we might end up being uncomfortable with anything other than the standard mount.”

I gave a full-bellied laugh at that. “Okay, we can talk about positions down here...” I glanced back at the door again. “Are you sure we haven’t moved to a more adult topic now?”

“Oh, not at all,” Twilight replied, catching my meaning. “I wouldn’t feel comfortable actually engaging in coitus in front of strangers, but most foals’ first explanation of it comes after they’ve walked in on their parents.”

“Yeah,” I replied, smirking. “We have the same problem, but parents usually just give the vaguest answer they can think of.”

“Well, there’s usually not much need for more than some minor explanations anyway,” Twilight commented. “It’s not really all that complicated, so even a few seconds of watching is enough to give the basics.”

“Wait, what?”

Just then, the library door opened and Apple Bloom trotted in. “Heya Princess Twilight, I’m just dropping off a book-”

She froze in shock at the sight of the blackboard and its images. Slowly, carefully, she turned her glance to me, then back up to Twilight.

“Uh, Twilight? Does this mean Anon doesn’t know about...” Bloom began before being cut off by Twilight.

“He knows about his race, but there aren’t any intelligent ponies or any minotaurs, gryphons, or diamond dogs where he comes from, so he needs to learn about them.” Twilight rattled off pedantically.

Apple Bloom gave a reassured “Ah.” of understanding before trotting over to a desk and depositing her book. On her way out the door, she whispered to me. “Be glad she hasn’t animated those drawings. It was real distracting to see them going at it during her lecture.”