Author's Note
I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this.
I plead insanity.
The Cave
THUD
THUD
THUD
The two terrified pegasi could hear the sound of the approaching beast. Its every thunderous step shook the slippery cavern floor beneath their hooves. The monster made no secret that it knew where they were hiding, and it was definitely going to find them. Its mighty roar – a vicious, terrifying noise – still rang in their ears.
Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo had been desperately searching for a way out of that evil maze of tunnels for nearly an hour, with their unseen foe right behind them the entire time. But their quest for an exit had been in vain. Every choice they made had drawn them deeper into the dark abyss, as if they were victims of some cruel curse. Now they were trapped in a dead-end chamber, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
But Rainbow Dash refused to admit defeat. She frantically searched that dark room for an exit, but she found nothing. The room was large but it offered no way out. No way, that is, except for the way they had come in – and that path was no longer an option. The only thing that waited for them down that long and twisty passageway was death.
“So what are we gonna do?” Scootaloo asked, her voice filled with excitement. Between her hooves she held a flickering lantern. It lit the room with a soft yellow glow, but most of the area was still lost in shadows. The darkness seemed to taunt them. It knew that doom was at hand. Rainbow could almost feel the monster breathing down her neck.
“Give me a minute, kid,” Rainbow Dash said, straining to keep her voice steady. “There's just gotta be something here. This can't be the end! I'm too awesome to get eaten by whatever that thing is.”
But there was nothing to be seen. The walls, floor, and ceiling were made of a slightly slippery limestone. The ceiling was utterly featureless. There weren't even any stalactites that they could break off and use as weapons. True, the ceiling was far enough away to allow Rainbow to get airborne, but she knew that the monster was every bit as tall as the room.
“It's no good, Scoots. I can't get out of his reach. And the room isn't big enough to let me stir up a tornado. My weather powers are useless underground – which, like, totally sucks.”
“But you're super fast, right? Can't you just fly us out of here?”
The approaching rumble was getting louder. There was precious little time left. They were trapped, and Rainbow knew it – but she couldn't let Scootaloo see how scared she was. She had to put on a brave face. Besides, the great and awesome Rainbow Dash didn't get scared. Fear simply wasn't in her character profile.
“Flying isn't an option, kid. We can't run away this time. The passages are too narrow, and it's too dark. Besides, that blasted monster is in our way. We'd have to get past him and then somehow find our way out of this cave system – while avoiding all the traps. And we don't have a map.”
“I told you we should have bought one from that vendor. Maps are always useful in these situations.”
Rainbow shook her head. “You can never trust changelings, Scoots. I don't care if he did claim to be a certified vendor. Who in their right mind would certify a changeling anyway? Besides, he wanted 50 gold for that map. 50 gold! That's, like, outrageous. And for all we knew that map might have led us straight into a trap or something.”
“Aren't we in a trap now?”
“Well, maybe, if you want to get all technical about it. But it can't be as bad as it looks. There's got to be something in here! There always is – that's how these dungeons work. Look around. Shine that light over in the corners. Leave no stone unturned.”
“I don't see any stones. But I'll look around.”
“Thanks, kid. And don't worry. I'll get us out of this, one way or another. I always do. It's, like, my thing.”
An angry roar tore through the room. There must have been some dark magic in that roar, for the force of the shout knocked Rainbow Dash out of the air. The blue pegasi crashed painfully onto the ground. As she struggled back onto her hooves she heard the gut-wrenching sound of rocks being torn apart.
That is so not good, Rainbow thought. The monster must be widening the passageway so he can get to us. Blast it! What do we do now?
“I found something!” Scootaloo said excitedly.
Rainbow Dash rushed over. “What is it? Is it a sword? A potion? A secret exit? A portal stone?”
The orange pegasus pointed a hoof at a rather sad-looking object in the corner. “It's, um, that. Can you use it? Will it work?”
Rainbow flew over to it and examined it more closely. When she realized what it was she let out a stifled shriek, and then immediately backed away from it as fast as she could. “Ew! That's horrible. What in Equestria is that doing here?”
“What is it?” Scootaloo asked. “It looks kinda like an animal.”
“It's a squirrel. Or, at least, it used to be a squirrel. Before it died. A, um, long time ago. Now it's a really, really dead squirrel. Please tell me you didn't touch it.”
“Can you use it? Will it work? In your plan, I mean. You do have a plan to save us, right?”
Rainbow looked into Scootaloo's innocent, trusting face. She could see that the young filly had complete and unwavering confidence that Rainbow Dash would save her. That Rainbow would somehow rescue her from being eaten by that horrible, hideous monster.
The very monster that had just ripped apart the cave wall and was now standing a few feet away.
“You bet I have a plan,” Rainbow Dash said firmly, with vastly more confidence than she felt. Rainbow was not going to let the orange filly down. It was time to show that monster what she was made of. Even if it killed her.
The Abomination looked at the two tiny, cowering ponies and laughed. It was a deep laugh that emanated from the core of the monster's being. The laugh echoed around the room and chilled their blood. The Abomination was in a good mood. He had caught his terrified prey, and there was no way for it to escape. Victory was in his razor-sharp claws. It was over.
Scootaloo backed away from the monster as far as she could. Trembling, she held up her battered lantern so she could better see her foe. The lamp's gentle light fell upon the enormous beast that was now blocking the room's only exit. Rainbow Dash finally got a good look at the creature that had been chasing them ever since they made the foolish decision to enter that suspicious-looking hole. What she saw astonished her.
“Hold on just a minute,” Rainbow Dash said, holding up a hoof. “You're the abomination? You have got to be kidding me. You look like someone crossed a snowman with a sheep. I mean, seriously. You don't even look scary. You've really gotta do better than that.”
“Silence!” the Abomination thundered. “I am death and destruction. I am claws and pain. I am undead. Even if you wanted to kill me, you couldn't because I am not alive. I am the physical manifestation of the restless spirit that guards these sacred caverns – caverns which you have defiled by your very presence.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Sorry, not buying it. You gotta at least look scary. How hard can that possibly be? Just be some huge, dark, shadowy thing with glowing eyes and fangs and maybe some horns or something. You could breathe fire and have a tail. And you could smell bad too, maybe. I mean, you inspire no fear at all. I've seen fillies that struck more terror into my heart than you.”
“That's not fair,” the monster pouted. “You promised you would stay in character.”
“Fine, fine,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “So you're scary, I guess. What are you going to do now – eat me?”
“I have horrible, terrible, and awful things planned for you two,” the Abomination replied. He rubbed his paws together gleefully. “First I will mash your bodies into jelly, and then I will cook you into pot pies. Then I will eat you. It will be glorious. It has been too long since I've tasted pony – and you two look absolutely delicious.”
Scootaloo looked nervously at Rainbow Dash. “But I don't wanna be eaten.”
“And you won't be,” Rainbow Dash announced bravely. “For you have met your match, Abomination! I am none other than the legendary and totally awesome Rainbow Dash. I could beat you up with three hooves tied behind my back.”
The Abomination towered over the two of them and glared at them. He thundered at them with a deep, resonant voice. “Is that so?”
“You bet that's so! I'm, like, the most amazing fighter ever. Why, I beat up three Legendary Ender Dragons last week without even getting a single scratch. And I even defeated the High King of Kranjovia and took his Crown of the Wind. It's at home lying on top of my bookshelf. You will be a walk in the park. I've seen naps that were tougher than you.”
“And believe me, she knows her naps,” Scootaloo added helpfully.
The Abomination frowned. “You've never beat up a dragon in your life! And besides, Kranjovia is a democracy. It doesn't have a king.”
“Hey now! No fair,” Rainbow Dash objected. “You're supposed to be a monster who lives in an underground cave. For all you know I beat up dragons every day. And how could you possibly know what kind of government Kranjovia has? What – did you go to cave school or something? I thought you said you were dead.”
“Fine, fine,” the Abomination grumbled. “So you are a mighty foe. But this time, Rainbow Dash, you have met your match. This room has no exits, and you have no weapons. Your powers of flight are useless here! I will tear you limb from limb and then feast on your remains. There is nothing here that can help you.”
Scootaloo interrupted. “Um, that's not quite true. There is that dead squirrel over there.”
“A what?” the Abomination exclaimed, confused. “A dead squirrel? Seriously? How did that get in here? Squirrels don't live in caves!”
“You're asking us?” Rainbow Dash said. “This is your cave, remember? I'm not the one who put that thing there! How should we know?”
The Abomination made a dismissive gesture. “It matters not. You cannot be saved. Admit it! I have defeated you at last. It is over.”
“Right – for you,” Rainbow Dash said boldly. “For what you do not know is that I have outwitted you! You have fallen right into my trap.”
The Abomination laughed. “I find that difficult to believe.”
“Well, that's just because you have no imagination.”
“Hey! That wasn't very nice,” the Abomination pouted.
“Sorry,” Rainbow Dash said. “Anyway, like I was saying, you are doomed. Like, totally doomed. It's actually kinda funny how doomed you are. Go ahead – take a guess. I'll wait – I'm not in a hurry. Guess what my master plan is.”
The Abomination stared at Rainbow. “Very well. I will humor you, for I enjoy playing with my food before I eat it. Although I believe I will start by eating the little orange pony. She looks tasty.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head and glared at the monster. “I don't think so! That is not going to happen. I would do anything to protect her. You'll eat her over my dead body.”
“Really?” Scootaloo said. “You'd do that for me?”
“You really have to ask? Look, Scoots, of course I'd save you. I'm just awesome that way. Haven't I been saving you all night?”
“That's true,” Scootaloo agreed. “But I still think you should have saved Applejack too.”
Rainbow groaned. “I warned her not to eat that apple. Apples from witches are always poisoned – always. But did she listen? Of course not. That was not my fault. Even Fluttershy lasted longer than she did.”
The Abomination growled. “This touching scene of friendship and harmony will not save your lives! I am without pity, feeling, or remorse. You will fall as all of your former companions did. The truth is you have no plan. You are merely stalling for time. You cannot attack me, for you lack weapons. You cannot kill me, for I am undead. You cannot crush me, for I am immaterial. Nor can you annihilate my undead soul, for neither of you are necromancers.”
“That's what you think,” Rainbow replied. “But that's where you're wrong! When I saw that squirrel over there I immediately knew what to do. That squirrel will be your undoing, Abomination! You see, I took the liberty of chaining your undead soul to its corpse. You are trapped. All I have to do is stomp on it and you'll be sent right back to Tartarus. It's over.”
“But you can't do magic,” the Abomination pointed out.
“Oh yeah? Well, I can fly, can't I? Do you really think that these wings are what keep me in the air? All pegasi fly with the help of magic – which you would know, if you weren't a cave-dwelling ghost. I've got all kinds of magic. Moving your soul around was easy.”
The Abomination shook his head. “That's not what I mean. Even a mage can't cast a soul-binding spell. You'd have to be a necromancer to do something like that. You're the wrong class to pull that off.”
“Now who's breaking character? I'm telling you, I bound your soul to that dead squirrel over there. If you let us go then I'll let you live. If you don't then it's just one small squish and you're history. So: are you gonna move, or do I squish you?”
* * * * *
In Twilight's castle, a group of friends were gathered around a massive oak table. A pristine copy of Dungeons, Dungeons, And More Dungeons was lying on the table. There was an enormous parchment map, some pieces of paper, a few quills, and six oddly-shaped dice. On the map were two little game pieces – a blue pegasus and an orange pegasus. Along the side of the map were some other pieces as well, representing yellow, pink, white, and orange ponies. Little gravestones marked the spot where they met their untimely end.
Twilight Sparkle was seated at the head of the table and was wearing a special mage outfit that Rarity had made for her. She was the dungeon master tonight, and she looked fabulous. Beside her antique mahogany chair was a thick book of rules and an organized stack of hoof-written notes. Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were seated at the table, and were the only ponies who were still playing the game. Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity were still seated in their chairs, but they had all fallen asleep. Even Spike was upstairs in bed.
The friends had been playing for hours. One by one the band of adventurers had fallen to Twilight's sinister dungeon. But Rainbow Dash stubbornly refused to give in.
Rainbow checked a blue porcelain bowl that was sitting on the table for the tenth time, looking for something to munch. Sadly, the popcorn was still all gone. She considered waking Pinkie and sending her out to get some more, but thought better of it.
“I'm telling you, your character can't cast that spell,” Twilight repeated, as she picked up the rulebook and leafed through it. “You're the wrong class.”
“Who cares?” Rainbow Dash replied. “It's a bluff, Twilight. That monster is probably as dumb as rocks. All I need to do is make him believe me, and he'll run off.”
Scootaloo gave Rainbow Dash a look of pure admiration. “That's awesome! I knew you'd save us.”
Twilight frowned. “But that's ridiculous! It's completely implausible. You seriously expect this level 14 boss to believe that you, a pegasus, bound his soul to the corpse of a squirrel? He'd have to be a total moron.”
“And I think he is a total moron. Villains usually are. Look, just roll, all right? Either he believes us or he doesn't. Let the dice decide.”
“Fine,” Twilight grumbled. She used her magic to levitate three dice, and then cast them onto the table.
Her eyes widened. “No,” she said, appalled. “Absolutely not! This can't be happening. What have you done? He was going to eat you! Do you have any idea how many hours I spent building his character profile?”
Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight and laughed with glee. “It worked! I knew it would work. Am I awesome or what?”
The blue pegasus hoof-bumped Scootaloo. Rainbow then flew into the air and started to dance.
Applejack muttered something in her sleep, but didn't wake up.
Twilight face-hoofed. “You've got to be kidding me. That is the worst strategy I have ever seen. I can't believe you'd even attempt that! Do you know how dead you would be if you tried that against a real monster?”
“You're just irritated because I totally outwitted the great Twilight Sparkle,” Rainbow Dash said proudly. “So what do we win? There's treasure, right? Bosses always drop treasure when you beat them. So what great stuff do we get?”
Twilight slammed the rulebook shut. “Have fun with the dead squirrel,” she said tartly. “I'm going to bed.”
As Twilight left the room, Scootaloo turned to Rainbow Dash. “Did we win?”
“We totally won, kid. We were the last ponies standing, and we were awesome. But I'd better get you home. It's way past your bedtime.”
“Yeah, I guess. But I have one question. What would you have done if the Abomination hadn't taken the bluff?”
Rainbow Dash laughed. “Scoots, it was never about defeating the monster. All I really had to do was defeat Twilight, the dungeon master. She's so uptight about her rules and her checklists that it doesn't take much to make her snap. She even has rules for sleepovers, for crying out loud! Once you start thinking laterally and get under her skin, she melts right down – and then victory is easy. I'm sure there were 19 different rules that would have outlawed what we did, but Twilight was so frazzled that she caved and rolled those dice. So don't worry. You were never going to get turned into jelly.”
“So you acted like an idiot on purpose?”
“It never fails to drive her bonkers!” Rainbow replied proudly. “Those rule-obsessed ponies are all the same.”
“Wow. I'm glad you're on my side.”
Rainbow Dash rubbed Scootaloo's head. “Don't worry, kid. I always will be. Now let's get you home.”
