The Bad Hero

by Lord_Evil

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Adventure, Carrot Top, Random, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 90826

When a loud mouthed conduit fighting a war of good versus evil dies and wakes up in a world full of peace and harmony, he now has to prove which side he was on to gain the graces of those living here while also refusing to alter his personality

Dale was a powerful conduit fighting with his bretherin to stop rogue conduits from turning their own kind into slaves. However, a new device temporarily shut down his abilities and left him to the enemy's mercy. A bullet to the head was their response. Now he wakes up to find himself in a crater on a planet he's never even heard of.
(Warning: There will be a LARGE amount of profanity and, more than likely, very touchy humor in this story. So if you get offended, you can't say I didn't warn you)

Published 2016-01-14 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-11-17 01:17:28 UTC

Prologue

"Tumor!"

He was instantly snapped out of his daydream as he was addressed. He looked up, he was in a large room surrounded by his fellow conduits. There was a single stage where one stood, coming up with battle strategies.

"Are you even listening? This is a vital part of our plan to beat these assholes."

"Well I didn't hear anything, so naturally I assumed we were talking about your sex life." His statement changed the mood of the room entirely. One second everyone is listening intently on the speaker, the next they were giggling like school girls.
The speaker, however, was not amused. "Can you be serious for five minutes. We are all well aware of your power, you're one of our greatest advantages, but that doesn't give you the right to be a dick."

"No, being a dick is what gives me the right to be a dick." The whole room filled with laughter again.

The speaker rolled his eyes at him. "Do you even know what your position is?"

He replied quickly "I go at them from the front and disable their defenses. You guys then go in and attack from the outside while I work my in and attack the source."

The speaker was slightly taken back, surprised that he actually knew what he was supposed to do. Perhaps their was hope for him after all.

"It's like being with your mom all over again." The room died with laughter before the speaker finally threw him out.

Tumor, as he was called, made his way to his room to grab a few things before being shipped out to battle. First, a change of cloths. He didn't like walking around in leather armour and a bullet proof vest. His superiors said that it made them look more like soilders, but to him they looked like hipsters getting ready to fight a pack of wild jack rabbits. He stripped out of the monkey suit and looked over himself in the mirror. This whole war had toned his body very well, which was good because being pale and unkempt made him look like a vampire. The black hair didn't help; speaking of, his hair was a mess. He grabbed a comb and brushed it to the side, leaving a small wave from his right side to his left. His rebel hairs, as he calls them, broke away from the wave and hung down just above his left eye.

There was a knock at his door before one if his friends walked in. "Hey Tumor, I've got the-fuck! Dude, really!?" His friend, David, was taken by surprise when he walked in to see him standing naked in front of a mirror. He immediately turned his head away from Tumor. "Put some fucking cloths on!"

"Eat me, it's my room. Now stop being a bitch and tell me what you want." He said, going over to his dresser to look for his cloths.

David, still keeping his sight off of the naked man, held a sheet up paper up to his eyes. "Well, what I was going to say was that I finally got that transfer letter I was waiting for."

Tumor turned to face David, tossing the cloths he had just grabbed onto his bed. " It's about fucking time, now you and I can fight together like the good old days."

David smiled. "Like the good old-Would you seriously put some pants on!"

"Fuck you."

David reluctantly peeked over at Tumor with a look of disgust and held his hand in front of his face. It was enough to block the view of his naked friend but not to the point where is vision was completely obstructed. He then made his way over to Tumor. Now that his privates were out of his sight he would be able to comfortably approach him. When he was close enough he looked into the mirror. He saw his beaten uniform strapped tightly to his muscular body. Tumor soon looked with him. They were both young in appearance; David being a man with twenty years under his belt and Tumor only having eighteen. They weren't really similar in any other physical aspect. David was a tall, well-built black man with a shaved head. Tumor was shorter and clearly less muscular, he was also fairly pale.

For a moment everything was quiet, but was soon interuppted. "Okay, now I'll get dressed." He slipped on his black cargo pants and soon after a white T-shirt and a black vest. When he finished, David moved his hand from his face, noticing that Tumor's fly was down, but not addressing it. "When are we scheduled to head out?"

David glanced at his watch. "We're set to leave at six, so we got about twenty minutes until we gotta bail."

"Cool, I'll meet you topside."

"Sounds like a plan." With that David left the room and closed the door. He was then greeted by the sound of Tumor screaming. He put his ear to the door. "Hey, you all good in there?"

From behind the door he could just make out his friend's pained voice. "I just got my dick caught in my zipper!"

David rolled his eyes. "Haven't you ever heard of underwear?"

"Fuck that! I'm a soilder, I only go commando!"

David sighed and rubbed his temples as he walked away. "Greatest advantage my ass." He muttered.

Conduits were gathered together just outside of the building, the speaker from earlier giving them a pep talk to lift their spirits and ready them for the fight to come. All were in attendance, minus the two that were sitting on the roof out of everyone's sight.
David looked at his friend with curiosity. "You know, I never did ask; but why did you join this side? I mean, you're stronger than all of us here, you're probably stronger than the leader on the other guys' side. So why join us?"

"You guys may not be as strong as those pricks, but that's all they are. They're ignorant power crazy pricks who think that just because they're powerful that other conduits who don't compare should be their slaves." He replied. "I may be powerful and more than capable of killing you all in record time, but that's not how I roll. Don't get me wrong, I like killing people, but I don't believe that ones life should be ended unless they deserve it. I also believe in equal rights, I'm completely against slavery."

David gave him an odd look. "You're not just saying that because you're sitting next to a black man, are you?"
Tumor felt slightly insulted by his friend's comment. "Bitch, I don't change my views for no one. Slavery is just wrong all together. I wouldn't want to work my ass off for some lazy fuck who treats me like shit, so why would I put anyone else through that?"
David was about to reply, but took notice that their team was departing. "Looks like it's time for action."

Tumor threw his arms in the air. "Let's fuck shit up!"

The two jumped from the building and hit the ground with enough force to crack the pavement. They ran to catch up with the group before taking position on the docks. The enemy was said to be arriving on a large boat, posing as people looking to join their cause, but the Intel they had gathered told them it was a ruse to infiltrate them so they could launch a surprise attack inside of their base. When the boat got close they waved to the captain, letting them know that they were ready to greet the passengers. The boat pulled up and stopped beside the docking rail. One person exited to meet them. He was about average in height with short brown hair and he was wearing a black suit.

"Evening gentlemen." He said, holding out one of his hands. "Are you the leaders of the resistance?"

David was the first to take his and shake it. "Yes we are, its a pleasure to meet you. I'm David, The Rhino." The man nodded with a smile before releasing David's hand.

"No, the pleasure is all mine." He reached his hand out to the other.

He grabbed the mans hand and shook it firmly. "Hi, I'm Dale. Friends call me Tumor."

The man gave him an odd look, but reapplied his smile. "A pleasure. My name is Roy, co-captine of this vessel." He reached both of his arms out and placed a hand on either of their shoulders. "And bringer of your demise." Electricity shot through both of his arms and into the two. Much to his surprise though, they showed little to know reaction.

David could feel the electricity chewing through his cloths and tickling his skin, but it wasn't going to do much else to him. He looked over at Tumor who looked like he was having an intense but silent orgasm. Roy removed his hands, shocked that neither of them had fallen victim to his abilities. He looked to David and saw where his power had burned a hole through his attire and through that hole he saw a slab of what appeared to be stone where his skin should have been. He looked to Tumor who seemed be shaking with delight.

"Oh...that's the good stuff." Tumor glared at Roy, who started backing away, his eyes glowing with an electric hue.

Before Roy could make a run for it Tumor grabbed his arm. He could feel the energy in his body literally being stolen from him. His legs soon gave out, causing him to fall to his knees. Soon after, his heart stopped and he died. Tumor released him and let his body fall to the ground.

An alarm went off from inside of the ship and the conduits on board rose with their powers at the ready.

A voice called from behind the two. "Go! Go! Go!"

With that an army of armored conduits jumped from their hiding places, charging at the ship and everyone on it.

Tumor looked to his friend with a fire in his eyes. "Man the torpedo!"

David smiled and his body became encased in concrete as he lifted Tumor in the air with one hand and threw him toward the captain's window.

With the energy he stole from the lightning conduit he forced body into an overcharge, making him a living missile. Once he came into contact with the window a loud explosion took out that entire section of the ship, the force being enough to violently rock the boat and force everyone on it off balance. Tumor got up in what was originaly the captain's quarters just in time to see The Rhino land right in front of him.

David held out a hand to help Tumor back to his feet. "That's one hell of a way to start a party."

"It works better with orgies." He smiled and took his friends hand.

"What's next?"

"Well, we already took care of the source. There no way in Canadian Hell that fucker survived that. Let's go kick some ass!" He jumped down to where the fighting was going on. One conduit charged him, wielding fire in his hands. Tumor's arm became encased in a bright red glow as he brought it back and swung. His fist made contact with his attacker's chest and sent him flying off of the ship. He saw one of his teammates being pinned down by a swamp conduit and shot a bolt of red energy into him. His body was knocked several feet away, giving his teammate enough time to get up and take the offensive. Tumor suddenly felt an intense heat in his back that was quickly being absorbed into his body. When the flames stopped he turned around to see the fire conduit he had attacked earlier soaked from head to toe back with a vengeance. This time though, Tumor was the one to charge.

He grabbed ahold of the conduit's head and drained the life out of him and watched his body fall to the ground with a thud. "Down, bitch."
He looked ahead of him and saw David, still in his stone form, but being pinned down and beaten on by a group of conduits. He got close and took a deep breath, summoning the fire energy his body had taken earlier before blowing a large wave flames onto them. Their attention then shifted from David to the pain of having their flesh melting off. He ran to his fallen friend and crouched down, his stone had body protected him from the intense heat and the flames.

"I'd offer to help you up, but your big ass would probably just rip my arm off." He laughed at his own joke, but then something happened. He could feel his powers being drained out of him. All of the energy he had collected, everything, it was just vanishing. He watched as even his friend David fell victim to this effect, his stone armour falling apart, leaving him unprotected on the ground. Tumor tried to get up, but his body was too weak. Instead he fell face first to the ground, unable to move. He could see some sort of large device glowing just a few feet from him. It looked like a giant metal speaker, but he could see the energy within it. Whatever it was it had drained him. He could hear footsteps coming from behind him and a gunshot, followed by a thud. His thoughts instantly traveled to his friend.

"David?" He was met with silence. "David!?"

The footsteps could be heard coming closer before a set of legs entered his sight. He fought against his body and lifted his head to see a man covered in soot wearing a captains hat holding a revolver to his head.

"Oh, fuck you..." A single gunshot was all it took and then everything around him went black.

He heard a loud explosion and waves of red energy soon after filed his vision. He watched as the energy ate away at the ship and everyone on it, breaking them down into energy and absorbing it into him. He felt the massive amount of power flowing through him and it hurt. He let out an ungodly wail before finally passing out from the immense amount of pain in his body.

Where the hell...

It was a typical day in Ponyville. The birds were singing and everypony was going about their day normally, everything from running their shops or going out to do some shopping, taking fillys and colts to school and what not. The whole town came to a grinding halt at the sound of a large explosion. They all turned their attention to the Everfree Forest, where it seemed to be coming from. The whole town was in shock from what they saw. A large red sphere of energy could be seen somewhere not too far in, it seemed to be pulsing and growing with every passing second. The explosion itself was very similar to a ray sphere blast, expanding and consuming everything it touched. The giant ball of energy suddenly imploded and it vanished just as quickly as it had appeared, leaving a giant cloud of smoke in its departure. The ponies seemed too afraid to even move, except for one brave pegasus who just so happened to be doing her rounds with delivering the mail.

Ditzy Doo was just as scared as the rest of the town but found that her curiosity was growing much faster than any fear that was holding her. She flew over to the Everfree, staying as high above the trees as she could. She was taken back by the damage the blast had done on the forest. Near the edge of where it was trees had been uprooted just from the force of it and the further she went towards it center the number of trees dropped drastically until their weren't any left. She cautiously lowered herself into the large crater it had made in its wake. The area was filled with smoke and she could hear a sound growing louder as she walked deeper into the carnage. It sounded like water on a hot pan, sizzling as it something was burning in the center. She soon came across a very odd form laying face down in the dirt. She almost didn't see it because of how thick the smoke was, but when she spotted it she started flapping her wings to clear away some of the clouds that blocked her vision.

It was odd, to say the least. It certainly didn't look like any pony that she had ever seen before. She reached out to poke it, but stopped when she heard the unmistakable growling of a timber wolf. Ditzy's ears fell flat and her eyes widened, the beast was coming up from behind her. She quickly shot into the air, taking flight to avoid the dangerous creature lurking from with. She then felt something, a small force that shoved her further into the air. She stopped and hovered in the air, looking back down just in time to see the body on the ground give off another surge of energy, almost as it it were some kind of pulse shooting out from it.

The wolf took its attention off of the flying pegasus and walked over to the free meal laying in the dead center of its wrecked home. The closer it got the weaker it felt. It felt as though it energy was being sapped out of its body, but paid little attention to it. When the wolf was only inches away from the body it reached out and grabbed onto its wooden leg. Ditzy could do nothing but watch in horror as this creature was about to be devoured by one of the predators of the Everfree. The wolf attempted to pull its paw from the small creatures grip, but to no avail. It pulled harder, then harder, but still couldn't break free. Just as it was about to attack another pulse went through the air. At that moment, the wolf could feel everything being pulled out of it all at once. It's energy, its magic, its very life. It shook violently before going completely still and falling over, breaking into dozens of tiny wooden splinters.

Tumor suddenly awoke, feeling revitalized. He pulled himself up and coughed from the smoke filling his lungs. "Jesus fuck..." He coughed more and slowly got to his feet and took in his surroundings. "Well, that was new." He cleared his throat and looked himself over before stretching his limbs, popping them in numerous places. "And from the looks of it I'm obviously alright...but where the hell am I?"

He suddenly heard the sound of large wings coming closer to him. Turning slowly he saw a grey pegasus with a yellow mane enter his vision carrying a saddlebag full of mail. "Um, hello?"

He stared at the small pony with his mouth slightly open. "It finally happened, I've cracked and lost my god damn mind..."

Ditzy stared at him in confusion. She suddenly remembered something her friend Lyra had brought up about these odd creatures called humans that seemed to fit this guys profile perfectly. "Excuse me, but are you a human?"

"Are you a talking horse?" He asked in turn.

"Y-yes..." she answered, slightly confused. "I'm actually a pony."

"Same difference." She glared at him, seeming to have taken slight offense to his words. "Anyway, yes. I am as human as they come...mostly."

She tilted her head. "What do you mean mostly."

"That's none of your damn business." He looked closer at her noticing that one of her eyes were looking directly at him, while the other seemed to be looking up. He snorted and covered his mouth, doing everything in his power not to laugh.

"Are you okay, Mister human?" She asked, thinking that he was hurt and ignoring the small outburst.

"Yeah, I'm f-fine. Its just the smoke." She nodded. "That and I can't tell if your trying to look my in the eye or the head." He cackled a bit.

Ditzy suddenly wore a very annoyed expression. She had been made fun of before and had grown used to it enough to not snap on him. It didn't really upset her as much, just got on her nerves.

"I'm just teasing you, sweetheart. What's your name?" He asked, sliding his hands into his pocket.

She still seemed upset, but she answered him regardless. "My name is Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy Hooves on account of how clumsy I am."

It was becoming very difficult not to bust his gut laughing. He took a deep, DEEP breath to keep himself collected, but before he could say anything she piped up again.

"Sir, we really shouldn't be here, it's very dangerous." She said, concern washing over her features as she spoke.

"Well then, lead the way." He e said, waiting for her to take the lead.

They got out several minutes later with virtually zero problems. The blast had scared off most of the creature dwelling within and destroyed those who were too close. He looked around at this new world in awe, it was bright, colorful, and it felt so...alive. He could feel a strange new energy being pulled into his body with every second. His body naturally drained energy from the air around him, but this was something new. He had never felt anything like it before. It was warm and it felt much more, well, alive. As if this world was a living thing and he could feel it making him stronger.

"So, where are we?" He asked, his curiosity forced him to ask. He was in a world where their were clearly talking pegasi with jumbled eyes.

"We're just outside of Ponyville right now." She answered.

"Uh-huh. Now would you mind telling me what this land is?" He pressed.

"Oh, sorry. You're in Equestria." She said plainly.

"Uh-huh..." He replied, sounding slightly agitated.

"Is something wrong?"

"Oh no, it's just I've landed in a place that I didn't even know existed and i would really appreciate some god damn details woman! Fuck!"

She jumped slightly from his sudden yelling. "Sorry." She said, slightly annoyed. "Equestria is a large land populated mostly by ponies. There are three primary races. Earth ponies who are in-tuned with the earth, pegasi who can fly and control the weather, and unicorns who can use magic."

"Magic?" He said to himself, wondering if maybe that was the new energy he was feeling around him.

"Yep, magic is all around us. It helps us and could be used in may different ways." She was about to continue, but her saddlebag slipped under one of her hooves, causing her tumble over and fall into the grass. She could hear him chuckling behind her and she felt slightly embarrassed. She tried to get up but found that the strap of her saddlebag had tangled her up.

He figured he may as well give her a hand. Walking over Tumor grabbed the strap and started pulling it over and around her hooves, releasing her from her small leather prison.

"Thanks." She said standing up. Then she realized that she no idea what to call him. "Oh, I nearly forgot to ask you your name."

"Well, I don't know you well enough to tell you that just yet, but my friends call me Tumor." He watched as Derpy scrunched her face and almost started laughing again.

She let her features go back to their normal position be fore continuing the conversation. "That's...a really odd name."

"Says you, Derpy." He watched her expression change to annoyance again. "Look your nickname tells everyone you clumsy, mine tells everyone that I'm like a tumor."

"How are you like a tumor?"

"Well, let's see; I'm annoying, obnoxious, and a total pain to have around. And after having me for a while I start to grow on you." He could see her face become slightly disturbed. "Hey, they put more though into my nickname than anyone else in my squad. They usually just came up with something that went with how strong you were. My friend David was called Rhino because he could crash through people and even walls with little to no effort."

Derpy just stared at him, unsure of how to feel about any of this. "You're very weird, Mr. Tumor."

"I've noticed. Also it's just Tumor, not Mister." He corrected.

"Okay, well then, Tumor, how about you tell me a bit about where your from. We can go talk at my house, I can even make muffins." She said with delight.

"I'm down for anything as long as it doesn't kill me. Last time that happened I destroyed your forest." He remarked following her to a house on the outskirts of a small town just up ahead. The outside was decorated with bright colors and topped off with a roof made of hay and a garden in the backyard. He looked every which way as he entered the house. Derpy offered for him to take a seat and he obliged. As he sat he looked all around the kitchen and eventually his eyes rested on Derpy's flank. "Nice tattoo, it looks like something a three year old would get."

She turned around and followed his gaze. "Oh that's my cutie mark."

"Cutie-what now?" He asked, raising a brow at her.

"Cutie mark. They are little images that appear on a ponies flank when they discover what their special talent is." She explained.

"So, what? Do you horde bubbles in your ass?"

She sighed. "Mine come from my bubbly personality."

"You don't seem so bubbly to me."

"Well perhaps that's because somepony keeps making rude remarks and ruining it."

He sat in silence for a moment. "That's me, right?"

Derpy shot him a look that said 'really?'

"So do I win? Can I get a cookie?"

Now she was just plain confused. "A cookie? What?"

"Do you really not know what cookies are?" He asked, slightly surprised.

"No, I know what a cookie is, but why-" He cut her off before she could finish.

"Okay, good. For a second there I though I was gonna have to drown you in cookie dough."

For the first time something he said actually made her giggle. "As yummy as that sounds, I'll have to pass."

"..."

"What?"

"And I'm the weird one?"

Making friends already

Derpy pulled out the batch of muffins she had been preparing. Catching the scent Tumor wandered back into the kitchen. He had been looking around the house after he and Derpy had spoken, they were talking about random stuff, mostly things about their worlds so they could better understand each other. Despite his language and weird sense of humor she was actually starting to like him.

Derpy pulled the muffins from the tray and handed one to him. "So where do you plan on staying while you're here?"

"You say that like I'm gonna be leaving soon. I don't even know how I fucking got here." he replied

"Oh. Well do you remember what happened before you got here?"

He took a bite of the muffin before leaning back in his chair. "Well, if I remember correctly I was actually in the middle of a war."

"A war?" She asked with a slightly uncomfortable expression donning her face.

"It's a long story so I'll summarize. Is that okay?"

She nodded, slightly eager to hear more about the place where had come from.

"Well there was this whole epidemic after an explosion, some giant monster showed up and got his ass beat by a very strong conduit. That conduit then used the powers he got from that thing to emit ray field energy. It killed all of the humans, but those with a special gene were able to not just survive it, but were given powers. Eventually all that was left were powered up conduits." He stopped to make sure she was still following. Her nod confirmed that she was so he continued. "Anyway, there were a number of pricks who thought that because they were stronger than some of the others that they could make everyone else their bitch and work for them. These bastards put together an army and started killing anyone who wouldn't follow this new fucked up world order. So the weaker conduits banned together and created an army of their own. They've been fighting ever since."

She stared at him in amazement, if the summary was that interesting she could only imagine what the full story would be like. "So...what side were you on?"

"I joined up with the guys who weren't complete assholes. The Syndicate, the guys trying to make everyone their slaves, called us the rebellion. However the leaders liked the name 'The Resistance' better."

"So, you were working with the good guys?" She asked.

"If you ask me, when it comes to war their is none of that whole 'good guy, bad guy' bullshit. It's all just morals and where you stand on them. But yes, if that makes it easier on you, I worked for the good guys." He explained.

"So you're not a very powerful conduit." She said, assuming his placement under the circumstances. "That actually explains why you talk the way you do. Like somepony who's been beaten down and picked on and just tried to put up some sort of self defense to all of the hate."

He stopped her with a muffin to her muzzle. "Wrong, I am actually one of the strongest. And what the fuck do you mean by all that shit?"

Her eyes widened as she tried to defend herself, but was once again cut off.

"I'm not an asshole because I'm weak, this isn't a means of emotional defense I was just born this way. Dick..."

She was upset that she had offended him, but she didn't know any better. She finally managed to pull the muffin out of her muzzle so she could speak. "I'm sorry, I was just going off of what I had hear. I didn't mean to-"

"Don't worry about it, I know. I'm just fucking with you." He said with a laugh.

She was about to go on the offensive, but was once again interrupted. This time by the front door being opened. A yellowish mare with an orange mane entered carrying a paper bag on her back. "Derpy, I'm home."

Derpy launched out of her chair to meet the mare. "Hi Carrot Top. You've been gone for a while, what took you?"

She sighed but still held a smile. "Some jerk at the store kept going on about that explosion and how its the end of the world and what not. I tell you, some ponies are just plain crazy." She walked into the kitchen but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw something sitting at the kitchen table. She waved at him and he waved back. "Uh, Derpy? Who's your friend?"

She let out a nervous laugh. "Um, Carrot Top, meet Tumor. Tumor, Carrot top."

"Tumor?" She asked

He didn't see any better time to cut in, so he assumed that now would be perfect. "I grow on you like fungus, but spread like cancer." She shot him a dirty look. "Don't worry, spend enough time with me and you'll a tumor in your brain the size of my fucking fist."

Derpy jumped in between them thinking that a fight was about to break out. "As you can see, he has a very colorful vocabulary and we are working on fixing that."

"We are?" He asked, causing Derpy's ears to drop.

"Well you might wanna work a little harder before he gets himself into trouble with the wrong pony." She walked over to the cabinets to put away the groceries in her bag.

With the flick of his wrist every cabinet and drawer in the room flung open, nearly giving the two ponies a heart attack. "Damn, I wonder how that happened."

Derpy ran in front of Carrot Top as she turned around and got ready to charge. "You did that! I know you did!"

"what are you talking about, I've been over here the whole fucking time. You need to get your head checked, I think you've gone mental."

Carrot Top struggled against Derpy's grip, trying to break free and attack Tumor. "Carrot Top, please calm down."

"I will not!"

"You see that hostility? That's a sign of a lot of pent up rage. That rage can come from numerous things, one of the most common is sexual frustration. When's the last the last time you've had a good mounting?" He merely laughed as his words made her rage explode.

"Tumor!" Depy called. "Please go outside."

He nodded and walked out of the front door.

Derpy let go of her friend when she started to calm down. "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not! First you let that thing into our home and then he disrespects me and starts talking about my sex life! It's none of his business and he should have a lot more respect that, especially when he's been welcomed into a place that isn't his." She explained, her anger still flowing through her. "What even is he?"

"I know, I'm sorry for his behavior."

"Don't apologize for him being a...bully!" She was on the verge of swearing, but was heavily against it.

"Carrot, he's not from here. He's from an awful place. He was in the middle of a war before he came here." She explained. "He's been through some a lot of trauma before he came here, not to mention that he was in the middle of that explosion."

She stared at Derpy, wondering why she was trying so hard to defend him. "Derpy, if he's making you say these things, if he's-"

"He isn't making me do anything. I didn't like him much at first either, but we've been talking for a while and I think that all he needs right now is a friend."

Carrot Top was very hesitant and she wasn't completely convinced. "Bring him back in here. I wanna know just what kind of trauma he's been through."

Derpy nodded and goes outside, grabbing Tumor and escorting him into the living room where he took a seat on the couch. "Carrot Top, he's ready."

"Ready for what? Is she gonna rape me? Is this bitch about to go ham on my otherworldly genitals?"

Carrot Top took a deep breath to keep herself calm and walked into the living room, taking a seat in an arm chair directly across from them. "Tumor. Why were you in the Everfree Forest and why were you in the center of that explosion?"

"I was jerking off to wild animals and held back for too long."

Derpy reprimanded him before Carrot Top could retort. "Tumor, please. Take this seriously. I don't want Carrot upset again."

"Serious...SERIOUS!? You want me to be serious, I'll get fucking serious." He sat up straight, causing the two ponies to lean back, unsure of what was going to happen. "Let's jump back to just a few hours. I was in the middle of a god damn war. I was out killing people like me because they were power crazy nut-jobs who wanted to rule the world. I had this friend, David. I saw him being pinned down so I sparked the crazy fucks and watched them burn to save him. Next thing I knew something was sucking the life out of me. My friend was shot in the skull and then I was." He looked at their expression, a mix of fear, sadness, and uncertainty filled them. "After that my body did something. Some kind last stand thing, I don't fucking know. But I became surrounded by my own energy and watched as it ate everything and everyone within fifteen miles of me. Next thing I know I'm in a hole where this cock-eyed mother fucker found me." He finished his story and pointed at Derpy.

Carrot Top looked at Derpy who was smiling nervously, unsure of what to feel. This thing had just insulted both her and her best friend, but part of her felt sorry for him. He had seen three powerful hardships all at once. War, the death of a friend, and his own death. Now he was in a place that he didn't understand and for all she knows all creatures in his world may act like him. She placed a hoof to her head and tried to think. "Tumor..I am sorry for being mad at you earlier..." She hated apologizing for a necessary reaction, but she was too lost in thought to come up with anything else.

"Don't be, I'm an asshole and everyone knows that. I make it a point for them to figure it out the moment I meet them."

"Uh...why? Why wouldn't you just be nice? You'd probably have a lot more luck with ponies and making friends if you were."

"Do I look like a nice fucking person? I just told you that I was forced to kill people like me, people who were supposed to be my god damn family. The only things I've ever been is a growing tumor in peoples sides, and like a tumor I destroy them. I have no room for being nice."

Carrot Top wore an odd smile. "Well, you're not gonna have to kill anyone now. You, my friend, are in a entirely different world." She looked at Derpy, still holding her smile. "I have an idea."

Derpy blinked a few times, confused. "What is it?"

"Who all knows he's here?"

"No pony."

"Good." She looked back at Tumor. "Seeing how you will no longer need to be a destructive killing machine, go ahead and drop all of those. We are going to assimilate you into pony culture."

He suddenly seemed angry. "Sorry, bitch. I don't change my views for shit."

She held up a hoof. "You don't need to change your views, those are yours to keep. However, if you are to make it in this world, you can't be going around swearing all the time and disrespecting everypony you meet. So what do you say?"

"Fuck you."

"Then it's a deal. We will teach you how to a decent civilian and I will even allow you to stay with us." She said, still wearing her smile.

Derpy smiled as well. "He can stay?"

"Yes, but he needs to stay in the basement."

"I said I'm not changing!" He yelled.

"And I'm saying you don't have a choice. So deal with it."

"I could kill you..."

"If you really wanted to then you'd have done it by now. With that she got up and exited the room.

Tumor sat still, looking to Derpy then into blank space. "What the actual fuck? What just happened!?"

Where art thou Romeo?

Carrot Top awoke in her bed with the smell of fresh blueberry muffins filling her nostrils. She yawned and sat up, stretching her forelegs before hopping to the ground and making her way down stairs. Upon entering the kitchen she was greeted by Derpy who was wearing an apron with the image of over a dozen different falored muffins on it.

"Good morning, Derpy." She said with a smile as she took a seat at the table.

Derpy's ear twitched and she looked over to her friend, returning the smile. "Good morning, Carrot." She grabbed a plate with a couple of muffins on it and placed them on the table so her friend could eat. "What are you doing up so early? I thought you didn't have to work today."

Carrot Top grabbed on of the muffins and took a bite. "I couldn't help it, the smell of your delicious muffins is always enough to get me moving."

Derpy blushed. "Oh, come on. They aren't that great."

"Don't be so modest, these are the best muffins in Ponyville." She continued. "I really think you should quit the whole mail made thing and open up your own stall."

"I would, but without me who would deliver all of that mail?" Carrot Top tried to reply, but was cut off as Derpy continued speaking.

"Besides, if they really are that good then it would take business away from the cakes and I just couldn't do that to them."
Carrot Top shrugged it off, it was her friends life after all, not hers. "Suit yourself." She finished her first muffin and quickly realized that something was missing. "Hey, where's Tumor?"

"I think he's still asleep. Should I wake him?" She answered, going back the oven to grab the next batch of muffins.

"No, I'll get him." She said, rising from her seat and walking down to the basement. "Derpy!" She shouted.

Her yelling was enough to make Derpy drop the tray of baked goods and start running for the basement. "What's wrong, is he okay?"
Carrot Top pointed to the empty makeshift bed on the floor. "He's gone."

They had been searching for almost a half hour, but to no avail. Derpy looked the most worried out of them both.

"Oh my gosh, this is so bad. He could be lost or even hurt." She ranted.

Carrot Top rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was lost, but I doubt he's hurt. Even if he was, he probably did something to deserve it."

"Carrot Top!" Derpy yelled in frustration.

"What? It's not my fault that he's a loud mouth."

They were just about to pass Sweet Apple Acres, but the sound of cheering caught their attention. They made their way up the trail and through the front gate to be met by a rather interesting sight. They two empty cups slam into a wooden table just outside of the barn. One being held by an orange hoof belonging to Applejack and the other by Tumors pale hand.

"Aha, I got yah." She shouted victoriously.

"You lying bitch!"

She looked to her left side where both Rainbow Dash and Granny Smith were standing. "Granny?"

Granny Smith rubbed her chin with a wrinkled hoof. "I hate to admit it, but it was a tie."

Rainbow Dash threw her hooves up angrily. "Oh come on! Tumor clearly won."

"Y'all are just sayin' that 'cause you bet 10 bits on him to win."

Derpy and Carrot Top made their way over to the table, quickly catching everyone's attention. Tumor looked up at the two and waved. "Oh, hey. The hell you guys doing here?" He asked.

Carrot Top shot him a dirty look. "Better question: What are you doing here?"

"Getting ready to out drink this inbred mother fucker." He explained, pointing a finger at Applejack.

"Their ain't no way y'all are gonna be able to beat me." Applejack mocked.

"You wanna bet? Rainbow..." He held his hand, flipping off the rainbow maned pegasus. "I need 6 glasses about the size of my finger and I need them yesterday.

"On it." Rainbow Dash saluted him and flew off.

Tumor reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask. It had silver going around its edges and down its sides and black leather in the center designed to look like alligator scales. He unscrewed the top and sniffed the neck, letting out a pleasured hum. "Now that's what I'm talking about."

Rainbow Dash showed up shortly placing three glasses on each side of the table before going back to her previous spot next to Granny Smith. Tumor filled each glass with a clear brown liquid.

Applejack eyed the liquid suspiciously. "Hold on there partner. What's that their you just poured?"

Tumor smiled and screwed the lid back onto his flask before tucking it back into his pocket. "This, my dear, is Bourbon. A strong alcoholic drink from my world. It'll kick your strongest cup of cider ass first into next week."

Applejack shot him a challenging smile. "We'll see about that."

Tumor gave her one back. "Start the countdown, old lady."

Granny Smith raised a hoof to the air. "5, 4"

The two narrowed their eyes at each other, grabbing ahold of their first glass as granny counted down.

"3, 2"

Everyone stared with anticipation. Minus Carrot Top who was sitting their with her hooves crossed and an annoyed look on her face.

"1" Granny Smith paused for a moment before slamming her hoof into the table. "Go!"

They cheered as the two took their first shot. Applejack started choking on the intense liquor, but managed to force it did. Tumor barely shuddered as the alcohol practically flew down his throat.

"Heavens to Betsy." Applejack said. "Y'all weren't kidding when you said it was strong." She took her next shot but choked once again, not being able to handle its alcohol content. Against her own wishes, she heaved and spit out her drink.

Tumor raised his arms victoriously. "WOOO!!!" He quickly took his last two shots and slammed his fists onto the table. "Drink that, bitch!" He shouted as he shot out of his seat. He was going to walk over to to Derpy and Carrot Top, but found that the world around him seemed to be spinning, causing him to fall to his knees. "Holy fuck..."

Applejack pulled herself together and stumbled over to Tumor and held hoof out to him. "Congratulations, Tumor. You win."

It took him a second, but he finally managed to grab the hoof and shake it with one hand while flipping her off with the other. He released her hoof and lowered his arms. "You know, from down here you're actually pretty cute."

Applejack's face became flustered, whether it was from his comment or from the alcohol was a mystery to her. "Heh, you're not looking too bad yourself."

Tumor leaned forward and planted a kiss on Applejack's lips. She was surprised at first but fell under his spell and the area was soon filled with soft smacking sounds as they started to make out. Everyone stared with wide eyes and mouths agape. Rainbow Dash was so surprised that she had even dropped her winnings.

Before the two could even react they were pulled from their kiss. Rainbow Dash dragged Applejack away by her tail while Derpy dragged Tumor by his shirt. As they were being pulled away they reached out for each other in a pathetic attempt to continue their public display of affection.

"RD, let me *hic* go. I'm a grown mare, ah can make my own de-*hic*-cisions." Applejack demanded.

Rainbow Dash pulled her even harder. "Applejack, go home, your drunk."

"Ah am home!"

"Then go to bed!"

Tumor struggled against Derpy's grip. "Don't worry baby, I'll be back. I will fight for you. You are my Juliet!"

"Okay, Romeo, that's enough for now." Carrot Top turned her attention to Derpy. "Let's get him home before he gets into trouble.

Granny Smith stood awkwardly, staring off into space by the table with her jaw hanging low as everyone departed. " What just happened?"

They arrived back a the house, Tumor still hammered beyond belief. Derpy released him from her grasp once the got inside. Tumor reached one of his hands out in the direction of the farm. "Juliet..."

Carrot Top stared him down, her eyes mocking him and calling him an idiot. She closed the front door and walked over so she would be in the center of his vision. "Look at you, you're a mess." She leaned over and sniffed him, putting on a look of disgust as she backed away from him. "Oh, Celestia. You smell like fermented cider mixed with cat piss."

Even Derpy's face cringed at this.

Tumor just glared daggers at Carrot Top. "What's your point?"

"You need a bath and you need one now." She demanded.

"Fuck you!" He said, pointing a finger at her. "All of you."

Carrot Top stared at him in confusion. "All of you?"

"Yep. All 12 of you can go fuck yourselves." He said as his hand pointed at ponies who weren't there.

Carrot Top's features dropped as well as her ears in pure annoyance. "Derpy, we have to clean him up. The smell is just too much and he's stuck on stupid."

Derpy nodded. "Okay."

"Good, now hold him down while I get his cloths off. Celestia knows they need a good wash." Carrot Top got behind Tumor as Derpy sat in his lap and put two hooves on his shoulders. Carrot Top grabbed the neck of his vest in her teeth and pulled it off of him.

His head turned around to see why he felt slightly colder around his midsection. "The hell? What the fuck are you doing?"

Derpy reached up and grabbed his head in her hooves, pulling it back towards her and shushing him, making him look into her eyes. She knew it would catch his attention. As he was trying to process the odd position of her eyes she sneakily lowered her hooves to his pants and after a bit of fumbling she managed to get them undone. Just as she did that Carrot Top pulled off his shirt.

He suddenly took notice of the fact that he was being stripped and started struggling. "Ah! Rape! Raaape!" He yelled as he tried to escape. Derpy quickly pushed him so he was laying flat on his back. "FIRE!!!"

It took no less than twenty minutes to calm him down and they were now on the ever so impossible mission to get him up the stairs and into the bathroom. His pants had fallen off during the walk and they were glad that they wouldn't have to go through the hell of trying to get them off. When they made it to the bathroom Carrot Top gave him a shove, causing him to stumble and fall into the tub.

Tumor hit the bottom of the tub with a loud thud. "Ow, bitch!"

"You know most ponies would be appreciative that they would have friends willing to do this." Carrot Top said, rolling her eyes at him.

"Give me my cloths you fucking pedophile!" He shouted.

"Not until they're clean!"

"Bitch, I eat people!"

"You know what; How would you feel if you were trying to help me and I treated you the way you're treating us?" She asked.

"Sweetheart, that would never happen." He answered in a cocky tone.

"And what makes you so sure?"

"Well for starters I wouldn't help you to begin with."

She rolled her eyes again and exited the room. "Derpy, please get him cleaned up."

Derpy nodded and walked over to the tub, turning on a steady flow of warm water. Tumor tried to crawl out of the tub, but Derpy pushed him back in with a couple light shoves. He sat down with an annoyed look on his face, defeated. Derpy frowned for a moment before perking back up and holding out a blueberry muffin. "Here, I made this one especially for you."

He leaned over and happily accepted the treat. "Oh my God, I could kiss you."

"What's stopping you." She said with laugh.
At any other point he would be able to tell that she was clearly joking, but in his drunken state of mind she had just issued him a challenge. He leaned over the tub, catching her off guard and kissed her. Her eyes widened in shock at first. She wondered why Applejack hadn't turned away from him when he kissed her, but now she understood perfectly. As his soft lips pressed against hers she felt a sudden pulse of energy shoot through her and she couldn't help but return the kiss. It was like a thousand fireworks were going off in her body all at once.

As the two continued their kiss, they were suddenly interrupted. "Derpy, what are you doing?"

Derpy quickly broke the kiss and turned to face the yellowish made behind her. "Nothing! I'm just, uh..." She looked around and found a sponge. Grabbing it in her hoof she started scrubbing Tumor's body randomly, not taking here eyes off of Carrot Top. "Cleaning! I'm just cleaning...him." She said with a nervous laugh.

Tumor waved his hand in front of Derpy's face, quickly capturing her attention. When she turned to face him she saw that he was pointing down toward his feet. Her eyes traveled downward before she noticed something interesting. In her panic the sponge had slipped from her hoof and was down by his feet. Not only that, but she glance up at his midsection where she thought she was scrubbing him. However, upon further investigation she realized that her hoof had actually been scrubbing something just below his waist.
Derpy's entire face went beat red and she yelped, closing her eyes and running out of the bathroom. A stream of I'm sorrys being left in her wake.

"Come back." Tumor called out. "I didn't finish."

Hangover

Derpy woke up on the couch with a pounding headache. The whole room was spinning around her as she tried to stand up. Her dizziness worked against her however and she fell to the floor, letting out a soft groan. She forced herself up and stumbled over to the kitchen where she turned on the sink and started splashing water on her face. Once everything around her stopped moving on its own she looked out at the wreckage before her. Empty bottles of wine were scattered across the floor as were a few candles and foods. The night before Carrot Top wanted to test Tumor's knowledge on going out to a fancy restaurant. Thinking back, he had done everything perfectly. He had set the table by laying down a red table cloth across it and decorating it with warm colored flowers and lighting candles in the center. She wasn't sure how but he had also removed their light switch and replaced it with a dimmer switch to 'set the mood' as he said. Thinking back a little harder she remembered that he had also cooked, but couldn't figure out what, he also poured everyone a glass of wine. They started eating and drinking, and then drinking, and then drinking, and then drinking.

The more she tried to remember the worse her headache became. She placed a hoof to her head and started rubbing her temples. "Dangit, this why I stopped drinking." She said, silently reminding herself to avoid alcohol forever. "Wait...where are those two?" She asked herself. Derpy walked downstairs to find Tumor, but there was no sign of him. She checked Carrot Top's room, she wasn't there. She was about to go outside but noticed an odd smell coming from the bathroom. She opened the door to see a lot of their silverware decorating the floor along with a few carrots. Some where full, some were sliced. There was also a pineapple sitting on the sink. Her eyes continued to scan the room before resting on the tub and widening. Inside tub was a combination of carrot soup, Carrot Top, and at the base of it all was Tumor. "Oh...my...gosh..."

Carrot Top was out cold, laying in the tub of soup with her head nuzzled on Tumor's naked chest. She awoke slowly as she felt her body being shoved back and forth. She lifted her head and opened her eyes to see Derpy as the source of the shaking. "Derpy?" She said drowsily. "What are doing? Why are you in my room?"

Derpy stopped shaking her. "Umm, Carrot Top. You're not in your room."

"What?" She looked around and noticed that she indeed was not in her room. She was in the bathroom. "What am I doing in here?" She looked down and suddenly she was wide awake. She screamed, causing Derpy to cringe and Tumor to wake up violently.

"Fuck! What? What's wrong?" He asked, sitting up and looking around. Once he saw that there was no danger he took a breath and calmed down before letting himself become submerged in the soup bath. He sniffed the air. "Jesus fuck. It smells like a god damn freak show in here." He looked at contents of the tub and sniffed again, even lifting his hand and licking one of his fingers. "Oh, that's probably what that is." He looked up at Carrot Top who was just staring at him. "What?"

"D-did...did we?" She asked.

"Did we what? Speak woman." He looked at the position they were in. "Oh, I got it." After figuring out what she meant he reached down and started feeling around his waist. "Well, I don't seem to be wearing pants, but you're kind of laying on to of my dick."

She blushed and started to crawl off of Tumor, but stopped as she felt a strange sensation shoot through her body, letting out an audible moan as she did so. Her body froze and her face started to heat up.

Tumor's body tensed up and his eyes shot wide open. "Oh my hell..."

Derpy looked at them in confusion. "What's wrong? Are you two okay?"

Carrot Top looked back at Tumor, still frozen in place. "You felt that to, didn't you?"

He nodded. "Yep."

"You're... You're-" She couldn't seem to find the words to say what was going on. She just remained still with her face burning tomato red.

"I am inside of you." He said, watching her face turn a deeper shade of red. "And with that I can only assume that you are likely full of my baby gravy." She didn't seem to react, it was almost like she was a statue. A soft furry statue with very warm and squishy insides. So maybe she was more like a plushy or a stuffed animal. Either way, he had no complaints.

Derpy was also in shock. Standing next to the tub with her mouth agape. "You two...did...it?"

"It would appear so." Tumor replied, reaching out of the tub and grabbing a spoon. He dipped the spoon in the soup he and Carrot Top were laying in and put it into his mouth. "Hmm, not bad. I'd say it needs salt, but at this point in time that would probably just hurt like hell."

Derpy's shocked face turn to one of disgust. "Tumor, that's gross!"

"Fuck you, this is good eating."

After a bit of fumbling around and falling all over the place, they all managed to make it to the living room with their lives. Carrot Top and Tumor were sitting in separate parts of the room with towels wrapped around them, but still smelling like broth.

Derpy took a seat next to Tumor on the couch. "So, does anyone remember exactly what happened?"

Carrot Top nodded, indicating that she didn't.

Tumor raised his hand. "I do."

Carrot Top looked at him, part of her slightly frightened. "How do you remember? We went through 12 bottles of wine.

"Fuck you, that's how. Wait, I already did." He said with a cocky smile. "So do you guys wanna know or not?"

They both nodded, but Carrot Top seemed hesitant.

"Okay, so what happened was this: The dinner was fantastic, I fucking nailed that shit,10 out of 10. Anyway, I had made carrot soup since we have so many of the fucking things and it was great. I loved it, you guys loved it and we were just having a grand old time. We ended up polishing off the first bottle of wine faster than expected so Carrot Top went to the wine cellar, great job at hiding the from me by the way, and brought up another one. That's when we started acting a little weird. We joked, we laughed, we decided fuck the glasses and had our own bottles to drink out of. It was an alcoholics paradise and it was awesome. Derpy passed the fuck out on top of the table after showing off some kick ass dance moves so I carried her to the couch and left her there for the night. Carrot Top was still hungry and by then we were already fucking gone and I thought it would be funny to fill the bathtub with soup. So I did and she thought it was hilarious, she even dared me to bathe in it. I, being the daredevil that I am, stripped down and hopped in. After a while I started talking about how warm it was. Carrot got curious and hopped in with me. We just kind of laid around in their but she started moving around and we kept brushing against each other which awoke a few things. That's when Carrot got a little too ballsy and I mean that in more ways than one." He looked over at Carrot Top to see that she seemed to be focused on the floor. He knew she was upset. "If it helps, it was hardly even sex. I was basically raped and it was fucking fantastic." He figured that would be a good stopping point and just let it all soak in.

Carrot Top had her face buried in her hooves. "I feel so stupid."

Derpy got up and walked over to comfort her friend. "It's okay, Carrot Top. You didn't do anything bad."

Tumor nodded. "Take it from guy you spent the night with in a soup tub, there was nothing bad about it. I mean, damn! You really knew what you were doing. How many stallions have you been with?" He asked.

"I was a virgin." Carrot Top explained.

"Bullshit." He said with a blank expression.

Derpy shot him a glance. "Tumor, she's serious."

"Really? But she...you know what, I'm not even gonna say. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy some happy ass memories of last night." He leaned back in the couch, letting out a relaxed sigh as he did so. He suddenly felt something hard smack him in the back of the head. "Ow, bitch!" He looked up to see Derpy staring daggers at him. "What?" She continued to glare at him until he finally understood what she wanted. He got up and walked over to Carrot Top, putting his hand on her back. "Hey, I'm sorry if I'm upsetting you. You know my fucked up humor, I can't help it." She remained still, continuing looking down at the floor. "Fuck...this is my fault. I got drunk, I let things escalate, and thanks to me you're not a virgin anymore." He took his hand off of her and leaned against the wall letting his body sink to the floor. "You're not the stupid one here, I am."

Carrot Top and Derpy both looked at him, surprise washing over there features. They had never heard him talk like this and for once he actually sounded upset. Carrot Top got out of her seat and walked over to Tumor, wrapping her hooves around him in a hug. "Its not your fault. Look we were both drunk and acting stupid, those two things mixed together always equals up to some sort of mistake. I may not have wanted to lose my virginity, but at least I lost it to someone I can trust."

Tumor was more than taken back by her sudden display of affection alone, but after hearing those words he could have swore had died and gone to hell. Regardless, he decided to return the hug. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, holding her tightly. He looked up and saw Derpy standing by the couch, silently watching them. He held out one if his arms. "Come on bubble butt, get your ass over here."

Derpy smiled and joined the two in their embrace. Today had been all sorts of weird and she could only imagine what tomorrow would be like. "Hey, Tumor?"

"What?"

"You've managed to explain just about everything that happened, but what was with the pineapple?"

"Oh, that...that was...son of a bitch, I can't remember what it was for. I don't even know how we got the damn thing."

Playing hero

Tumor was sitting peacefully within the comfort of his new home. Carrot Top and Derpy had work today so he was all alone. He couldn't find anything to do so he started going through magazines that Derpy brought home. Eventually he found the newspaper and started going through that strictly out of boredom. After maybe five minutes of reading he started focusing intently on the paper. As he stared the center of the paper started to turn black and it was spreading. Eventually the paper caught fire and burned to nothing more than a pile of ashes in his hands. He wiped the soot from his legs and stood up, popping his spine in several spots as he stretched his limbs. He could hear some sort of commotion coming from out side and figured investigating that would be a lot more entertaining than sitting on his ass all day. Cracking the door open ever so slightly, he peeked out and looked into town. He could see a lot of ponies running and even heard a distant roar.

"What the flying fuck?" he asked himself. He'd never heard something so monstrous in his life and couldn't even imagine what was making that sound. He caught sight of Derpy flying like a madmare just above the houses before plummeting to the ground after having something large thrown at her.

Derpy hit the ground hard, the impact breaking her wing and leaving him incapable of flight. She looked to her left and saw Carrot Top running over to her, then she looked to her right. A large timberwolf standing taller than the houses around it was smashing through ponyville, destroying everything from the ponies homes to town hall.

Carrot Top managed to get to Derpy and lifted her back onto her hooves. "Derpy, snap out of it! We have to go, now!"

Derpy shook her head. And started running alongside her friend. As they ran the timberwolf seemed to follow, sprinting after them with great speed. They soon found themselves at a dead end and thanks to Derpy's broken wing they couldn't simply fly out of there. They were trapped. The whole town gathered around and watched as the timberwolf approached the two ponies, walking slowly with hunger in its eyes. Carrot Top and Derpy hugged each other as they stared at the beast about to tear them apart. Much to their surprise though, the wolf stopped moving. Its ear was twitching as an odd sound came closer and closer to them. The timerberwolf turned around to find the source of the strange noise only to be met with a food cart slamming into the side of its face.

The beast roared as a voice completely unfamiliar to the town started to speak up. "Holy fuck! That looked like it hurt." Carrot Top's and Derpy's eyes shot wide open at the voice, as they knew all too well who it belonged to. The wolf looked at in the direction the cart had come from, as did everypony else, to see an odd figure sitting on top of a roof with an apple in its hand. "You know, you really shouldn't attack innocent ponies. It's bad for business. You sir are going to be why this economy is gonna go down the shitter." The wolf barked angrily and charged the mysterious creature, barking at the world like a rabid animal or even just a crazy human. Tumor sat still as the wolf came closer, taking a bite out of the apple before surrounding it with a steady stream of red energy. "If you thought that last one sucked then this one will make you cry like a bitch." He said, standing up and throwing the apple like a base ball. The now unstable apple struck the wolf's muzzle, exploding like a small land mine and taking half of its head out. It roared, a mixture of pain and rage flowing out of its throat as it tried to shake off the broken half of its face. Once the beast calmed down though the splinters that were originally part of its head flew back to their owner and reconstructed the damaged portion. "Well shit, that definitely complicates things." The wolf suddenly lunged at Tumor. He quickly reacted by jumping high into the air, landing on the ground a few feet behind it. It turned around and slowly walked up to him. Tumor waited until their faces were close enough so her could reach the overgrown wooden dog before slapping it on the nose. "Bad! Bad puppy!" The whole town gasped as he did this. The beast flinched and shook its head before putting on another angered expression and growling at him.

Carrot Top ran close to them but stopped a few yard behind Tumor. "You can't destroy it, it'll just put itself back together. You have to run!"

He turned his head slightly, but didn't take his eyes off of the timberwolf. "This things alive right? Because of magic?"

"Yes!" A random pony shouted to him.

"Well unless you ponies are suicidal I suggest you stand the fuck back. This is gonna go from really complicated to really simple in about nine seconds." He turned his head to face the growling monster. The wolf reached its head out with another roar, mouth open as it went to bite its new enemy. Tumor threw his arms back and the wolf froze as a strange vacuum-like sound filled the air. As it did, a stream of yellow energy flowed out of the wolf's mouth and straight into Tumor. The longer this went on, the more its body started falling apart until it was nothing left but a pile of bark, twigs, and leaves. When the flow stopped Tumor put his arms down and took in a deep breath. When he turned around he saw the ponies all silently staring at him in shock and awe before rightfully cheering and stomping their hooves.

Carrot Top ran over and hugged him. "You're such an idiot, why would you come out here and do something like that?" She asked as she held him tightly.

"You guys were in trouble. Come on, I'm not gonna let my girls get hurt." He replied.

She pulled away and looked him in the eye." Your girls?"

"Yeah, you two are my friends. I'm not just gonna up and let some fucked up dog use you as its chew toy." He explained to the mare.

She just smiled and continued to hug him. Derpy eventually found her way over. "How did you do that?"

He smiled. "It's simply really. He came at me and I drained the fucking life clean out of him." He looked back at the pile of what looked like a smashed up tree. "Overgrown prick."

Eventually a tan mare with a silver mane and glasses walked up to them. "Hello there."

Derpy was the first to reply. "Hello Mayor Mare."

"Hello, Derpy. Would you mind telling me who you friend here might be?" She asked with a smile.

She was about to reply but was cut-off. "The names Dale, Mayor. Friends all call me Tumor. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance"

"Well then, Mister Tumor. On behalf of all of Ponyville, I would like to thank you for your heroic actions here today."

"Just looking out for my friends is all." He said with a smile, placing a hand on both Derpy and Carrot Top's head.

"Never the less, I would like to offer you someth-"

"Nope, stop right there." He said, not letting the Mayor finish her sentence. This caused her to frown a bit. "I appreciate that you want to offer me something in return, but I cannot accept that. Where I'm from I am not considered the nicest guy around, in fact I'm probably the biggest asshole to ever live. But when it comes to stuff like this, I don't do it for personal gain. I am a solider, I fight for freedom and to protect those around me whether they like it or not."

Her smile returned. "Well, will you at least do me the honor of being present at the cutting of the ribbon for the new town hall?"

He stayed silent for a moment, thinking it through until Carrot Top nudged him. "Go on, this is your chance." She whispered to him.

He smiled and looked around at the town who all seemed pretty eager for his answer as well. "Fuck it. Why not." They all cheered again, minus the parents who were covering their foals' ears to protect them from his profanity.

The next day the whole town was gathered around Town Hall with Tumor standing behind a long red ribbon, he was looking around until he spotted Carrot Top and Derpy standing near the center smiling at him. He was surprised at how fast they fixed town hall. No one in his world ever worked that hard.

There was a small podium next to him where the Mayor was standing. The Mayor cleared here throat and waved a hoof to get everypony's attention before speaking. "Good evening everypony. I am proud to announce that the town hall has been rebuilt after that dreaded timberwolf attack. I am also proud to announce that the one who defeated the rampaging beast is here with me today to cut the ribbon. So here he is. Ponyville's newest protector, the hero we all know and love, Dale the War Horse"

He was taken back at the sudden name change, but figured it was for the best. Being known as The Destroyer probably wasn't the best idea. That name was given to him to instill fear into this enemies. The ponies all cheered and a large pair of scissor levitated over to Tumor. As he grabbed it he could see a grin spread across the Mayor's face. He shrugged it off and cut the ribbon, as he did so a large tarp fell from town hall and revealed a stained glass window with, on it was an image of him standing with one foot on a timberwolf's head with an apple in his hand. He couldn't help but laugh a little as the ponies started chanting the word speech over and over again. The Mayor smiled and stepped off of the podium, allowing Tumor to take the stand. He walked up and looked out at the crowd, not quite sure what to say. He spotted his two friends again, still smiling up at him. He smiled back.

"You know, I've never been one for speeches, in fact I've always hated public speaking all together." He got a few chuckles out of the crowd. "All I can really say is thank you. Where I'm from I've never been seen as much of a hero, just some loud-mouthed solider obeying orders and talking back at his superiors and making fun of their sex lives. I really am glad that I ended up here. One moment I had a gun to my head, the next I'm in a crater in the middle of the deadliest forest in Equestria, but I digress. I am truly honored that you would allow me to have such a thing, but let it be known that I'm not in this for the fame. I'm just looking out for what's right. Regardless, I am proud to be your hero, and I am happy to call this new world my home." He ended his speech there and the crowd cheered him on as he walked down. He din't get very far though.

"Excuse me, sir?" A feminine voice said to him. "Can I talk to you for just a moment?"

He turned around to see a purple alicorn standing behind him. Carrot Top had told him all about her. "Princess Twilight Sparkle." he said in recognition.

"You know me?" She asked curiously.

"I know about you. I've been living with a couple of ponies since I got here and they've given me a bit of a history lesson on this place."

"Right. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about where your from and-"

"If it helps, I'm from another world. Brief summary: I was in the middle of a war, I died, my body's powers reacted to my death and revived me. I don't know how I ended up here, but I did. And before you ask, yes, that explosion was from me. Those were my powers stripping away any life it could find to put me back together." He explained, not looking forward to a game of twenty questions.

"Oh, well I would like to get to know you a little more. If you're interested, I live in the castle just outside of Ponyville. We can speak further there."

"I'll think about it." He saw a pink blur rushing towards him from behind Twilight and held up his hand. Pinkie Pie suddenly became enveloped in a red energy that held her in place. "No..." He simply said. They had warned him about Pinkie early on and would remind him to avoid the pink party pony until they were ready to introduce him to everyone. However, he wasn't looking for a party right now, perhaps another time.

Pinkie's face sunk. "Aww, pleeeeaasssse?"

"Not now, maybe later. I'll talk to you if I change my mind." He said causing her to grumble.

"Fine.." She said before somehow vanishing from his grip.

Twilight just watched them until Pinkie took off. "Well, I better get going as well. I have some studying to do. Have a lovely day."

"Take care, book horse."

Carrot Top and Derpy finally managed to make it through the crowd and stood on either side of him. "So, Mister big shot." Carrot Top started. "How does it feel to be a big hero?"

"I'm not sure. When I was up on stage giving that speech though, I felt something." He explained.

She shot him an odd smile. "Really? Did you feel good, heroic, humble?"

"I felt like a fucking tool!"

Author's Note

I wanted to do more with the story but with him being shunned by society it wouldn't work. So I thought "Hey, lets make him a hero so everypony loves him" Now he can be a dick to everyone in town!

Meeting Twilight

Twilight was sitting at her castle, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the strange creature that had entered their world. She had been reading about new spells to try out for well over an hour passed the time he was supposed to show up. She wondered if she might have a way to communicate with him from a distance, hence the spell book. She eventually found a spell that would allow her to communicate with others telepathically so long as she knew exactly who she wanted to talk to. After thoroughly looking the spell over she figured it was worth a shot. He horn lit up and she focused on the person she wanted to speak to, picturing him in her mind in vivid detail. Eventually she started to hear what sounded like music.

"Umm, hello?" Suddenly the music stopped playing and she got a reply.

"What the fuck? Who is this? The fuck are you doing in my head?" Tumor thought, wondering if anyone could actually hear him.

"Sorry to bother you, but is this Tumor?" She asked.

"Twilight? Don't you know how dangerous it is to be inside of the head of someone like me. You'll go in one way and come out the other as a whole new fucking person." He explained. He wondered what all she could see in there. "Hey, if you're in my head can you tell me what you find? A lot of the shit in there is a complete mess. And if you see doctor fishy, kill him. I don't care if you have to stick a harpoon in his ass, just end him."

She remained silent for a moment, slightly confused. I'm not actually in your head, I'm just using a telepathy spell so I can speak to you"

"Dammit! What do you want?" He asked.

"I was just wondering when you were going to be down here."

"In a bit, I'm buying cloths."

"That's fine, just get down here as soon as you can please."

"I can't find them."

"What? What do you mean you can't find them?"

"I can't find them, there's only soup." He explained with slightly irritation.

"What do you mean there's only soup?"

"It means there's only soup, bitch!"

The insult irked Twilight, causing her to raise her voice. "Well then get out of the soup isle!"

"Don't you fucking shout at me!" He went quiet as he walked to the next isle. "There's more soup."

"What do you mean there's more soup?"

"I mean there's just more soup, dumb-ass!" He yelled.

Twilight took a breath to calm down. "Go into the next isle." She said calmly.

"There's still soup."

"Where are you right now?" She asked, getting annoyed with the conversation.

"I'm at s00p."

"What do you mean you're at s00p!?"

"I mean I'm at s00p!"

"What store are you at!?"

"I'm at the soup store!"

"Why are you buying clothes at the soup store!?"

"FUCK YOU!!!"

Twilight cut off the telepathy spell and buried her face in her hooves. "Oh my CELESTIA!" She shouted, leaning back and falling onto the floor. She was too mad right now to care about any pain that came with it. Suddenly she heard an explosion, causing her to jump back up. She ran to the door and opened it to find out what had happened. In the distance she could see a new building outside of ponyville that had just been demolished. There was no fire, no flames, just a massive crater in the center of the building. She noticed a large sign falling to the ground, landing just in front of her castle. She walked over and read it aloud. "The S00p Store..."

Twilight sat on a chair just opposite of Tumor, staring him down angrily. "You know, you're lucky that no pony got hurt in that."

"And you're lucky you didn't piss me off enough for that to be a lot more deadly. Maybe next time you should take into mind my explosive temper." He said, intentionally trying to make her feel like an ass.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have an explosive temper."

"Well maybe you should stop being a bitch!" He shouted, standing up aggressively as his body started to glow a bright red.

She flinched and held up her hooves. "Okay, okay, calm down. I'm sorry." She said, despite knowing that she was in the right.

Tumor took a breath and sat back down, the glow slowly retreating back into his body. "Why am I here again?"

"Because, I'm curious about you and your world. I want to know what it's like and since you got here if it would be possible for others to show up." She explained.

Tumor's eyes widened. He hadn't thought about if others could end up here like he did. "Girl, if other conduits can get here, then you can kiss this fucking world goodbye."

She stared at him with worry washing over her features. "Why?"

They sat there for hours upon hours as he explained to her what his world was like and how the people in it behaved in excruciating detail. He told her about the explosion, the plague, the beast, MacGrath, the war, and lastly about his own death. She didn't say a word, just sat there listening intently. It was as if she was trying to memorize every word that came out of his mouth. "That's about all I can tell you."

"...wow..." She couldn't say much else. She was at a loss for words.

"I know, right? It's pretty crazy." He could practically see the gears in her head turning and the light bulb popping over head.

"I just thought of something!" She jumped out of her seat and moved so she was standing right in front of Tumor. "You said you're an energy conduit, so you absorb any and all types of energy whether you're being attacked or doing something as simple as walking. That's why I've sensed so much magic inside of you. You're body is recognizing it as an energy and it's soaking it all up into you."

"Wait, hold on. You're saying that there's magic inside of me and that you can feel it?" He asked.

She nodded. "Yes, which was why I wanted to talk to you. I could sense a great deal of magic within your body and now I know why." She said with a smile, but her smile quickly. "But, you also have something else in you, something powerful. It feels strange, like it's polluted or something."

"That could be the ray field energy, the stuff that makes conduits. Maybe I got what I needed to activate my powers and absorbed whats left." He said that as a joke to scare her, but was sadly mistaken.

"That's it!" Tumor raised his brow at her as she spoke. "You have that inside of you and if you unleash it you could create more like you." She seemed pretty proud of herself. "We should try it some time."

"Fuck no!" Her happy expression immediately dropped. "Didn't you hear a word I fucking said? Only certain people can become conduits, they have to have a specific genetic mutation. Anyone else will die. Not only that, but it will start the plague all over again. People, ponies, everything! They will all get sick and die you fucking moron!"

"Oh...right." She said as tears started filling her eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't think about that."

"Well next time pay more attention to detail before you get everyone here fucking killed." He just watched as she sunk to the floor. He stood up and walked for the door, but stopped as he grabbed the handle. "It's not your fault. You didn't know. Don't jump into things you don't understand, Twilight. Sometimes it's not as great as you might think. Everything we do, regardless of your intentions, it comes with consequences." With that he left.

Carrot Top and Derpy were at the house reading. It was starting to get late and they wanted to wait for Tumor to get home before going to bed. They knew very well that he could take care of himself, but that didn't stop them from worrying. Their heads turned to face the door when they heard the sound of his footsteps, the new boots he got from Rarity tend to make some noise whenever he moves around. They got up to greet him as he opened the door and locked it behind him.

"What took you so long?" Carrot Top asked.

"Yeah, you've been gone all day." Derpy followed up.

"Well I went to the store, got a telepathic message from Twilight, we got into an argument, I got mad and somehow my anger made me explode. I mean that literally to, the soup store is gone." He said the last part quickly before continuing. "Anyway, I went over to the castle, got nagged at by Twilight, I told her everything she wanted to know, she came up with the stupidest idea of the fucking century, I yelled at her, then left." He took a deep breath and sighed before flashing a bright smile. "I made a princess cry today and survived, my life is officially perfect." He walked over to the couch and took a seat, pulling out his flask to take a quick drink before leaning back and relaxing.

The two mares stared at him in surprise. "You made Princess Twilight cry?" Derpy asked.

Tumor let out a soft belch. "Yep."

"Why?" Carrot Top asked.

"She wanted me to use the ray field energy in my body to see if we could make conduits here, that's fucking why." He explained.

"What's wrong with that?"

"Are you all fucking mental? If I do that than it will kill anyone who doesn't have the conduit gene and start a god damn plague. Anything and everything will fucking die!" He couldn't believe he had to explain this again. In his world it was common knowledge, but then again this wasn't his world. That didn't make it any less aggravating though. "Look, I'm not in the mood for this. If you need me I'll be in the basement." He got off of the couch and walked to the basement door. As he entered he closed the door behind him and descended into the darkness.

Carrot Top looked at Derpy. "Why has he been so stressed out lately? I mean, I'm used to him being an ass all the time, that's the norm for him. But lately he seems so much more irritable."

Derpy shrugged. "Maybe he's just getting tired of everpony asking about what his home was like. It seems like everywhere we go he has to tell over a dozen ponies. You've heard the stories he's told, that's not something I wouldn't want to tell everypony."

"You're probably right. They're forcing him to relive those memories every time they ask. That's not something I would want either. I'd probably spend every night trying to forget."

They were both starting to feel sorry for him, they wanted to comfort him. However, they knew better than to go near him when he was upset. That's kind of why they blew off the whole Exploding Soup Store thing. It was already late and they decided to call it a night, walking to their individual rooms to get some rest.

Tumor sat silently in the basement. He made one of his hands glow with his red energy, just eyeing it as he felt his powers flowing through his body. He thought about what Twilight had said earlier about making more conduits. He didn't want that. He didn't want to repeat the history of his world here. Most of all though, he didn't want anymore power hungry assholes trying to make him into their slave.

Author's Note

I'm at s00p- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVDRnDyZWDo
I couldn't help myself, it was too great and I thought it would be funny to add it to my story.

Date night

Tumor was happily washing the dishes while Carrot Top was tending to her garden. He looked out the window at her, happy with his new life in this new world. He finished cleaning the dishes and dried his hands before walking outside and kissing her forehead. "How are you doing sweetie?"

She looked up at him with her beautiful green eyes. "I'm fine hun, just finishing up out here." She gasped as she was suddenly lifted into the air and started laughing as her captor spun around in circles. "Stop it, I'm getting dizzy!" She shouted, still laughing as he stopped spinning her. Tumor held her in his arms, still smiling down at her before giving her a tender kiss. After he broke the kiss she hugged him. "I love you, Dale."

Tumor looked down at his hand as he held her, staring at his wedding ring. It had taken a while for them to make something to fit his finger, but he didn't mind. "I..."

Tumor suddenly sat up, screaming at the top of his lungs. He looked around. He was in the basement, sleeping in his make-shift bed. "Holy fuck..." He said to himself as he looked down at his body and saw he was glowing with the color of his energy. After taking a minute to breath and calm himself down the glow faded away. "Worst...dream...ever..." Suddenly the basement door was kicked open and Carrot Top came running to him, stopping right as she got to his sleeping corner.

"What happened? Are you okay?" She asked, obviously worried about him.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just had a bad dream." He explained.

Carrot Top was suddenly calmed down. "Okay...Don't scare me like that. I thought you were hurt."

"Fuck you, ginger bitch."

She frowned in annoyance at him. "Are you going out tonight?"

"I wasn't planning to. Why?" He asked, he could tell something was up.

She closed her eyes and turned away from him. "That's none of your business." She started walking up the stairs but as she was just about to go out the door it slammed shut and she was suddenly lifted into the air by an unseen force and levitated back to Tumor.

Tumor glared daggers at her. "What the fuck are you planning?" He asked in a low tone.

Carrot Top sighed. "If you must know, I have a date. He's coming over tonight and I don't want something happening." She watched as Tumor's expression went from serious to something else. He had a hand over his mouth and it sounded like he was chuckling. "What's so funny?" She asked, feeling slightly offended but not quite knowing why.

"No reason." He said, still holding in his laughter as he released her from his grip and the door opened. "Go on, have f-fun on your date. I'll just stay down here."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Okay?" She turned around and went back up the stair, half expecting the door to close on her again. Surprisingly, it didn't. So she went back to what she was doing earlier. Cleaning the house and decorating it to look romantic. When she finished she did a once over one the room, everything was perfect and with Derpy being out for the night nothing would interrupt her date. She still worried about Tumor coming up and messing everything up, but she really couldn't do a lot about him. All she could do is hope he'll stay true to his word and stay in the basement. She was about to go upstairs to get dressed when she heard a loud bang come from the basement.

"Ow! My fucking toe!"

She sighed and continued her assent. Approximately ten minutes later she came back down to the living room wearing a simple green dress. She had also applied eyes shadow to her face as well as red lipstick. She checked a nearby mirror to make sure everything was in order. Her dress was fine, her make-up was good, and her hair was in tact. She was ready. Just as she finished looking herself over she heard a knock at the door and went to open it.

She smiled as she opened the door. "Glad you could make it, Rocky Road. Come on in."

A brown stallion with white patches on his fur and silver eyes entered the house wearing a white shirt with a brown over coat and tie.

"Don't mind if I do." He was a well-built earth pony that stood just a bit taller than Carrot Top.

"So, shall we get started?" She asked, slightly nervous.

He smiled at her and nodded. "Lead the way." He followed her into the kitchen. It was set up similarly to how Tumor had it a few days ago. She liked how he had done it and decided to mimic it with her own touch. "I love what you've done here."

Carrot Top blushed at his compliment. "It was nothing, really, but I am happy you like it." She walked over to the counter and grabbed the salad bowl she had prepared. After setting it on the table the two took a seat and served themselves, munching away at their meals.

"So, you know what I do. What about you, what do you do for a living?" Rocky asked, taking another bite of his salad after.

Carrot Top stopped eating so she could answer. "Well, I'm self-employed. I grow carrots in my garden and I sell them in the market."

"How's that treating you?" He asked, refraining from eating further.

"Well, it's enough to pay the bills, but thanks to my roommate, Derpy, I'm getting by pretty well." She noticed that he had stopped eating and was getting nervous again. "Is their something wrong with your salad?"

He nodded. "Not at all, I'm just saving room for desert." He said with an odd grin.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't prepared anything for desert." She said. "If you want we can go out and grab something. Is there anything in particular you would like?"

He hummed to himself before walking over to her. "I have something in mind." He placed a hoof on her hind leg and started rubbing it.

She pushed his hoof away, finally catching on to what he was referring to. "I'm sorry, but we just met and I'm really not looking to move that fast."

"Come on, baby. Let's just have a little fun." He said, putting his hoof higher on her leg.

His persistence was starting to make Carrot Top very uncomfortable and she slapped his hoof away this time. "I said no, Rocky!"

Rocky was suddenly wearing an angered expression and grabbed Carrot Top, pulling her out of the chair and throwing her on the ground before pinning her beneath him. "I wasn't asking." He said in a deep angry tone.

Carrot Top struggled under him and tried to break free. "What are you doing? Let me go!"

Rocky put his hoof over her mouth to keep her quiet. "Shut your mouth or I'll beat you dead then fuck you-" He stopped talking as a series of loud bangs echoed through the house. He looked over at a nearby door where the sound to be coming from before facing Carrot Top again. "Who's in there?" He asked, removing his hoof. She didn't answer, which just angered him further. "Who is in there!?" She remained silent. The banging started up again, but this time it was louder. He got up and walked toward the door, turning back to Carrot Top just before he reached it. "You move, I'll end you." He opened the door and walked down into the basement.

Carrot Top watched as he made his decent and the door slammed shut. She got up off of the floor and made her way to the door, pressing her ear to the wood listening as the sound of something being slammed into the walls echoes through the underground room. She backed away as the sound of footsteps came up the stairs. When the door opened she was met with the sight of Tumor, his white shirt was covered in a thick red liquid. "Tumor...what happened?"

"I handled things." He said sternly.

"Tumor, tell me." She pressed.

"Carrot Top. If you keep digging you'll find the answers, but then can you take on the monsters?"

She was about to make him tell her, but after thinking about it she decided that she would rather not know the details. "Okay..."

"So, other than professor Dick-Hole trying to get some of your sweet gam-gams, how was the date?"

She couldn't help but giggle at his words. The way he talked was starting to really grow on her. "Well, it would have been nicer if we could have at least finished the salad I worked on for almost an hour."

"Well, if you let me change shirts real quick I can help you with that. I've been in that fucking basement all day so I haven't really eaten."

"Hey, you're the one who said you wanted to stay." She quickly commented.

"Hey, fuck you." She laughed at him. "You're a bitch, you know that."

"What? You don't like it? Am I not your cup of tea all of a sudden?" She asked jokingly.

"Mother fucker, I don't drink tea. I drink drink patron mixed with lemonade."

It had been over a half an hour since Tumor got changed and started eating with Carrot Top. They were talking a lot, mostly cracking jokes and sharing stories. Carrot Top listened intently as Tumor was wrapping up a story about how he got jumped back before he became a conduit. "And that last punch was when I blacked out and finally managed to achieve orgasm."

Carrot Top spit out the wine she was drinking as she laughed hysterically. "Oh my Celestia! Why?" She asked, still laughing.

"I'd tell you, but I blacked the fuck out. All I know is that when I woke up I was next to the Mexican border with a bunch of stains in my pants." He answered, sipping the wine next to him.

She finally managed to recollect herself and continue the conversation. "Are you sure the stains were in your pants and not on them.

"Hey, fuck you! This is my story."

She giggled and debated asking him something, but wasn't sure how he'd react. "Hey, I've heard all of this stuff about you and where you're from, but what about your family? What were they like?"

He took a moment to think. "Well the only person worth remembering is my grandfather." He said.

"Really? Why is that?"

"He was a great man and very strong despite his age. I'm telling you, that guy had the fucking heart of a lion...and a lifetime ban from the zoo." Carrot Top couldn't help but laugh again, this time falling out of her chair. Tumor looked down at her with a smile on his face. He got out of his chair and helped her get back on her hooves.

She looked up at him, still giddy from her laughing fit. "You know, despite the whole thing with my date, today was a good day. And I owe it all to you."

"I'm great, I know. You don't have to tell me twice. Speaking of your date, I have some trash to take out." He said, pointing at the basement door with his thumb.

Carrot Top nodded, understanding that he needed to take care of the mess. "You go ahead, I think I'm going to take a quick shower." A blush spread across her face as she reached up and grabbed Tumor's shirt, pulling him down so his face was level with hers. She gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and then went for the bathroom.

Tumor was stunned silent as she did this, but after she left he got his mind back and got to work with the body in the basement. After a quick bagging and clean up he sneaked his way to the Everfree Forest and took flight. After going on for a few miles he tore open the bag and let the body fall into the trees. "Fetch me their souls!" He yelled. His yelling caught the attention of several timberwolves who charged at the body and started devouring it. "...That was awesome." He disintegrated the bag so the evidence was all gone and flew back home. When he entered the house he looked at the clock and noticed he had only been gone for like five minutes. He shrugged and walked over to the bathroom, walking in despite the mare showering within."

Carrot Top heard Tumor enter and pulled the curtain aside to look out at him. "What are you doing?"

"I gotta take a piss, go back to your shower and stop trying to look at my dick you fucking pervert." Carrot Top Chuckled and went back to her shower. "You know, you look kinda sexy with your mane all wet like that." He said with a laugh.

Carrot Top felt her face go red from his comment, but played it cool. "Who's being the pervert now, huh?"

"You still are." He said as he finished up and zipped his pants.

"How am I being the pervert? You're the one talking about me being sexy."

"Honesty is the best policy."

Her face turned a deeper shade of red. "You're a dick."

"That's just rude. I compliment you and you insult me. Damn, what a bitch."

"Well what are you going to do about it?"

"I'll come in there and kick your ass, that's what!"

Carrot Top saw this as the perfect opportunity to call him out on one of his idle threats. "Yeah right. You don't have the balls." Silence filled the room for a moment as Tumor absorbed what she had said.

"I'm coming in there."

"Make sure to take your clothes off." She smiled victoriously, thinking she had finally beaten Tumor at his own game. That was until the curtain opened and his naked form stepped into the tub and tackled her. She yelped as she was suddenly forced to the tubs floor and held down against her will. "What are you doing?"

"I told you I was going to come in."

"I didn't think you were serious. Why are you naked?"

"You told me to take my cloths off."

She wanted desperately to argue against this, but he was right and she should have known that he was going to follow his word. After thinking about it she started to giggle. "Oh my Celestia, this is almost as bad as the soup tub incident."

Tumor put his fist to his mouth, trying to hold in his own laughter. "Yeah, except when that happened the carrot went back into the gravel." He heard Carrot Top mutter something under her breath. "What was that?"

She looked up at him with wide eyes. "Oh, nothing."

"No, you said something. Tell me" He pressed.

"I said-"

"Tell. Me."

Carrot Top looked up at him with a nervous expression. "I said...I wouldn't mind it...happening again..."

Tumor slowly climbed off of her and sat down on the opposite end of the tub with an odd expression. "You're a fucking freak, you know that."

She covered her face with her hooves, embarrassed that she had actually told him. "I'm sorry, I knew you would react this way. I shouldn't had even said anything." She was going to continue to rant about how stupid she felt but was silenced when Tumor's lips met hers. After he broke the kiss she looked up at him, confused. "W-w-wha?"

He pressed a finger to her lips and shushed her. "You know, it's not considered very gentleman-like to end a date without a kiss. But I wasn't quite feeling it on that one, so how about I try something better." He lowered his head and started kissing down Carrot Top's neck which caused her to shudder slightly and it only got worse as he continued to kiss lower down her body until he reach the lowest part of her waist, eliciting a loud gasp from her.

The next morning Derpy walked through the front door, surprised that her two friends weren't up around the house yet. "Hello? Anypony home?" She was met with silence and decided to look around. She started with the basement, but no one was there. Then the living room and the bathroom; still nothing. It wasn't until she walked into Carrot Top's room that she had finally noticed someone. "Carrot Top? She asked, walking over to the side of the bed. "What are still doing asleep?" She grabbed the blanket and pulled it down. "It's not you to-" She stopped and stared. On the bed laid Tumor, completely naked, and Carrot Top who was wrapped in his arms. "I-uh...umm...huh?" She continued to watch them for a brief moment before backing away towards the door. Just as she was about to close it she saw one of Tumor's hands lift into the air with his middle finger prominently raised at her.

Author's Note

I would like to apologize for this chapter jumping away from the usual silliness of the story. I don't know why my mind jumped to making it this way, it just did. I will try to avoid making things like this on for this story.
Now back to our regularly scheduled shits and giggles.

Reptiles and doughnuts

Now that Tumor was accepted by the public eye he was able to walk around town freely. It was alright. At least whenever Carrot Top and Derpy were out he was able to go out and talk to other people. Well, ponies, but still. As he walked around he noticed a group of stallions in blue uniforms with badges about to enter a doughnut shop. He found it hilarious that the law enforcement here was helping to reinforce the stereotype that had been made for so many years in his world. As they were about to enter, Tumor thought of a way he might be able to have some fun. "Fuck the police!"

The group of uniformed ponies turned around to face who was shouting at them, giving the creature a dirty look as they did so. After a brief stare down Tumor made his way over to the group, still swearing at them as he walked over to face them.

Carrot Top was wandering around Town Hall. She had finished her work early today and thought it would be nice to move around and get some exercise. It was a bright sunny day, the wind was blowing gently and cooling down the ponies who were still working out in the sun. Today was pretty peaceful overall, at least it was until she heard someone shouting in the distance. "Fuck the police!" She put on an annoyed expression and sighed, walking toward the sound the Tumor's voice. When she made it over to where she had heard him she was surprised to see absolutely nothing going on. In fact, the whole area was practically empty. It wasn't until she looked through the doughnut shop window that she saw Tumor sitting down with a group of cops. Her eyes shot wide open and she ran into the shop.

"So there I was, pinning this bitch to the ground while she looked up at me with those mutant bug-eyes of her. I looked at her and I said Hey, bitch. How's that's for a three-way?" All of the cops sitting with Tumor instantly started laughing, a few of them pounding on the table and one of them falling out of his chair. Tumor crossed his arms and smiled victoriously.

"Tumor, what are you doing?" Carrot Top asked as she approached the table.

Everyone at the table turned their heads to face her. "Not much." He said, throwing his arms around two officers. "Just sitting here with a couple of my new pals." His words made a couple of the cops smile with delight, they were obviously fans of his.

Carrot Top watched the police in disgust. They were basically putty in his hands and she knew that it wasn't going to lead to anything except good, especially if Tumor was part of it. A lot of ponies admired him for being a hero and some even looked up to him as a god with a tendency to swear, but she knew better. She lived with the bastard and although he has a good heart every time he used his head it was typically for something devious. She was about to speak but took notice of the police lowering their heads nervously. "What's up with them?"

The doughnut shop door opened once again and a tall grey stallion walked in. He had a black shaved mane and a snake as his cutie mark. "Dammit..." One of the cops muttered. Immediately catching Tumor's attention.

"What? What's wrong?" He asked.

"That's Cobra. He comes in here everyday during our break and picks on us." The officer explained before another one followed up.

"Yeah, and we can't do anything about it because he's not doing anything illegal."

Just as he had finished talking the stallion, Cobra, trotted over to the table. "What's up, ladies?" He asked in a cocky tone. "Having a tea party now, are we?"

One of the officers piped up." Look, Cobra, we don't want any trouble. We're just here to enjoy our break. So how about you run along and leave us be for once."

Cobra gave the cop a dirty look. "Sorry, sweetheart, but that's not how this works. You see, you're in my table and I want it back."

"Where's your name?" Tumor asked, causing Cobra to turn his head and glare daggers at him.

"Excuse me, punk?"

"I'm sorry, are you fucking deaf? Where is your mother fucking name? You said it's yours, so show me proof of ownership! Otherwise you're just standing here, wasting our time, and getting on my nerves." Cobra didn't say anything at first. "What's wrong, did you leave the deed in your purse?"

Cobra walked over to Tumor, stopping when he was right beside him. "You got a big mouth kid."

"And you got a pretty mouth, but I aint gonna fuck it." He replied. "Go in that shit and come out with every fucking disease known to ponies and some only know to dolphins. Fuck you." The police stared at Tumor in awe. They had never seen anypony so much as talk smack about Cobra, not even behind his back, but here he was insulting him to his face.

"You looking to start a fight?" Cobra asked with venom in his words, reaching up and grabbing Tumor by the vest. "Cause you got a beat down coming your way."

Tumor grinned at Cobra, causing him to look at him in confusion. Tumor looked back at the officers behind him, still smiling, before looking back at Cobra. "You wanna suck my what!?"

Cobra flinched and let go of Tumor. "What?" He could feel everypony in the shop staring at him.

"Fuck you, bitch!" Tumor continued. "I'm not letting you suck my dick! How do I know you're not riddled with diseases or some shit?"

"I never asked to-"

"Everypony look out! He's on a mad dick sucking spree, he's gonna give you herpes!" Tumor shouted with a laugh. Tumor stopped laughing when he felt a hoof strike him in the side of the head, Cobra's hoof. The police all gasped in unison and leaned forward in their chairs. "There's assault..." Tumor tightened his fist and sent it flying at Cobra, smashing straight into his forehead and knocking him out. "and there's self defense." He turned to face the cops. "See? Now you can get him for attacking a civilian and sexual harassment. I mean, you all heard him saying he wanted to fuck me with his throat, right?" The cops quickly caught on and nodded to Tumor, smiling at him before getting up and cuffing Cobra to take him to jail.

Cobra awoke with a dazed look on his face. "I'm gonna kill you."

"Threatening a life!" He called out to the cops as they departed. Once they were all gone Tumor put his feet on the table and leaned back, more than content with what he had just done. "Cobra..." He scoffed, "What a fucking bitch-lord."

Carrot Top worked her way over to Tumor. "Good to see you're making friends with cops...and apparently helping them lock up jerks like him."

"If there's one thing I've learned in my entire life, it's that if you want any kind of power or protection you need to make friends in high places and that's exactly what I'm doing. Plus, now they owe me a favor. And If I continue to help them with shit like this, they'll literally be on my dick if I so much as snap my fingers." He made sure to actually snap his fingers to emphasize just how serious he was about this.

Carrot Top took a seat next to him, shooting him a suspicious glare. "I fell like you're planning something."

"What makes you think that?" He asked.

"Friends in high places, having them at your beck and call...it kind of makes you look like you're about to do something and you want thosefriends so you can have leverage when somepony points their hoof at you."

"...no..."

"Tumor..." She pressed.

"Shut the fuck up. You're gonna get me in trouble, you bitch."

"Yeah, and you doing something that's probably very illegal isn't?"

"It's not illegal if you don't get caught." He stopped talking as the service pony walked over and set a tray of jelly filled doughnuts on the table. "Oh shit, we ordered those. And they're already paid for." He said as he grabbed one.

Carrot Top was getting more and more curious with every passing second. "Tell me what you're-" She was silenced as Tumor shoved one of the pastries into her maw.

"Eat my glazed doughnut hole!" At that moment Cobra burst through the door. He had a broken set of cuffs on his hooves and he looked ready to kill.

Cobra caught sight of Tumor and charged. "You're mine now!"

Tumor stood up and kneed Cobra in the jaw, making him stumble backwards only to be met with a fist to the head. Cobra fell the the ground. Tumor grabbed the plate of doughnuts before straddling Cobra. He took a handful of the treats in one hand and held Cobra's mouth open with the other. "Come on, you fuck. Is that all you got?" He shouted as he started shoving the doughnuts down his throat. "That's right, bitch! Choke on my rage! How does it taste!?" When the tray was empty he held it above his head and started slamming it into the ponies face over and over and over again. When Cobra's body finally went limb Tumor charged his hands and pressed them against his chest, sending a strong pulse of energy into his body and forcing his heart to start beating again. When Cobra awoke he started choking on the doughnuts that were still in his throat. Tumor raised his fist up high and punched Cobra in the stomach, making him cough up the glazed pastries. After he finished getting all of them out of him mouth using nothing but his tongue the police charged in. "You guys missed it, he tried to kill me and I beat the hell out of him." The cops let out groans of disappointment. "Oh, add attempt of murder to his track record." They nodded and two ponies came up to collect Cobra for the second time, this time adding multiple chains so he couldn't escape again. "You guys take care. I'll see you tomorrow at our table." The cops smiled at Tumor and took off with Cobra dragging behind them. Tumor walked back to the table and took a seat in his chair, ignoring the looks he was being given by the surrounding ponies. Instead he turned his attention back onto Carrot Top. "You know, I really love snakes and all, but that guy is a fucking dick."

"You're one to talk. How many ponies have you beaten up since you came here?" She asked, raising her brow at him

"None." Was his reply. This caused Carrot Top to squint her eyes at him, "That I know of." Her gaze remained unfazed. "Fuck you."

Just another day

Tumor was wandering around town aimlessly. He didn't have anything to do today, neither did Carrot Top or Derpy. They suggested just sitting back and being lazy for the day to relax. Their definition of relaxing was far different from his. He figured going on a walk would help ease his boredom, so he left. As he wandered he entered a few stores at random to see what they were all about. He bought himself a cupcake at Sugar Cube Corner, got a new watch, and even managed to find a restaurant that had menus for griffons which allowed him to buy a burger. Eventually he found himself stumbling into Ponyville spa. He was greeted by two mares with an accent he wasn't very familiar with. He kept thinking Scandinavian for some reason, but he had no idea what they sounded like and assumed that he was wrong.

"Ah, if it isn't The War Horse. It's a pleasure to have you here. My name is Lotus, welcome to Ponyville Spa. How may I help you?" She asked enthusiastically, making him assume they were fans of his.

Tumor may not have been in this for the fame, but being admired by almost everypony was pretty nice."Actually, I was just wandering around. I didn't even fucking know Ponyville had a spa." He explained.

"Well, if there is anything you need just ask." She said with a sultry look. "Anything."

Tumor raised his brow at her and grinned. "Well, I do have one thing in mind." If there was one thing he loved more than the fame, it was the groupies that came with it.

Derpy was out delivering mail. She had intended on having a lazy day with her friends, but she got a last minute call that told her she had a few papers to drop off. She wasn't happy about having to go out and work today, but they told her it was just a couple so she didn't mind it too much. After dropping off a few and checking her saddle bag she saw that she only had one left for the owners of Ponyville Spa. She and the twins were pretty good friends, so rather than putting it into their mail box she entered the spa to give it to them personally. She was surprised when she entered the building and wasn't greeted by the two mares as they usually do. "Aloe? Lotus? Are you here?" She turned back to the door, the sign said open so they had to be here. She checked just about every room and was about to give up and just set the papers on their desk but a strange noise in their private quarters caught her attention. She walked over to the door and opened it slowly. After opening the door he body froze in place.

Tumor was sitting up on a bed. Aloe was standing behind him, rubbing his shoulders with his hooves, and Lotus' head was bobbing up and down on his waist while he sat back, seeming extremely pleased.

He looked over at Derpy, hardly even flinching at her presence. "You see this, bitch? This is how you fucking relax." He said before closing his eyes and leaning back a bit.

Derpy grabbed the door and slammed it shut, her face red as a tomato. She walked over to the door in complete silence and set the mail on their desk before flying back home. When she made it back she told Carrot Top just how eventual her day became.

Carrot Top waited in silence for her to finish before giving any feedback. "Wow, that must have been awkward."

Derpy buried her face into her hooves and rubbed her eyes. "It was. It really was."

They both went quiet when they heard a strange noise coming from outside. "What the hay is that?" Carrot Top asked.

"YEEEHAWWW!!!" Came a familiar voice from outside.

"Scratch that; Who the hay is it?" She asked. As she was about to get up the power suddenly went out the room went pitch black. She sighed in annoyance and rose out of her chair, felling around the walls as she walked to the door with Derpy following close behind her. When they opened the door and opened it they were met with the sight of Tumor riding on a manticore's back.

Tumor held on tight as the beast flailed around, trying to buck him off of it. "The more you struggle the more this is going to hurt you dumb-fuck." He yelled at it, punching its spine repeatedly. After a few more hits the bone broke and the manticore collapsed, unable to move. "Yeah!" He shouted almost loud enough for the whole town to hear. "Like in the movies, bitch!" He hopped off of the paralyzed beast, walking over to its head before kicking it in the jaw. "Bad kitty!"

The two mares watched as the epic bull-riding came to an end before Carrot Top decided to address the situation. "What the hell, Tumor?"

He looked over at her. "Hey, this big fucker attacked me! I was just defending myself." He explained.

"You didn't have to break its neck!"

"It was self-defense!" He leaned back onto the corpse and pulled a plastic bag out of his vest. He then unwrapped it, revealing a small sandwich. He took a bite out of it, ignoring everything around him.

The mares walked up to him, Derpy looking nervous, and Carrot Top looking slightly frustrated. "Tumor..."

He ignored Carrot Top, focusing only on his small meal and humming away as he did so. "Hmm, this is good mustard."

"Tumor..." She said even louder, hoping he would respond. When she saw that he wasn't going to she went closer to him and smacked his food out of his hand an onto the ground. "Tumor!"

He looked down in shock. "My sandwich..." He said as he dropped to his hands and knees just above the now dismantled assortment of lettuces, flowers and cheese now littering the ground. "It was innocent."

They watched him in silence for nearly thirty second. "Tumor?" Derpy started, "Are you gonna-"

Tumor suddenly cut her off, shushing her as he held a hand out in her direction. "I must grieve."

About two hours after his grieving Tumor went ahead and launched the corpse into the Everfree to keep it both out of sight sight and out of mind. After finishing up he walked over to the mares. "You know, you really shouldn't fuck with a mans lunch. That's a kind of trust that should never be broken." He said to Carrot Top. She just ignored him and they all went back into the house only to be reminded that they had no power.

"This is just great." Carrot Top said.

Tumor looked around. "What the fuck happened in here?" He asked.

"I think we blew a fuse." Derpy answered.

"Hold on, I got this." Tumor said. He remembered where the fuse box was since it was in his room and fixing this was common knowledge. He cautiously made his way over to the stairs, occasionally kicking things that were in his way. He eventually found the door and opened it.

"Tumor, be careful going down those stair." Carrot Top said.

"No shit? Cause I thought it would be a great idea to go down backwards, hopping on one foot like a fucking-" He suddenly slipped and toppled down the stair, screaming like a woman with a deep voice as he fell. When he finally hit the floor below he let out one final pained groan. "Son of a bitch..."

"Tumor? Are you okay?" Derpy called

"Every bone in my body was just shattered like a fucking dinner plate, but it's cool. I'm fine." He yelled back. When he managed to get himself back up he looked around at the surrounding darkness. "I'm never gonna find that thing like this." He rubbed his eyes, hoping it would help him see better. As he pulled his hands away from his face he noticed that their was suddenly light. Both of his eyes had started glowing bright red and shining at the wall like a flashlight. "Huh. That's new, but helpful." Now that he could see he walked over to the fuse box and after a bit of fumbling the power was restored.

Carrot Top smiled as the power turned back on. "That's better."

"Much." Derpy added.

Tumor made his way back up the stairs and found the two still standing at the doorway , admiring the now lit room. "Well, that went swimmingly."

Carrot Top looked over at Tumor and screamed, as did Derpy. "Sweet Celestia! What's wrong with your eyes?"

"What?" He asked before remembering what had happened in the basement. "Oh, right, that. One sec." The red light in his eyes suddenly vanished, but as they did smoke started tom emit from them along with a soft sizzling noise. "Mmmhmhm! Oh, that's brisk!"

"Is it supposed to hurt like that?" Derpy asked.

"Hell if I know, that's the first time it's ever happened." He rubbed his eyes, using his powers to heal whatever damage had just been done before taking a seat on the couch. "Anyway, how's your day going, Carrot? I'd ask how Derpy's was, but I already know that story."

"Well, it was fine until you showed up with the manticore and killed it." She said, her annoyance revealing itself for the umpteenth time today.

"So I gave you a show. What's wrong with that?" He asked.

"I don't know, maybe the fact that it's dead!" She answered aggressively.

"Look, I know you're stressed, but that fucker attacked me and it's gone now. That's just how nature works. And really, who's fault is that?"

"Yours!" She yelled.

"That's right, no ones. So how about you shut the fuck up and kick back for a bit before I have to launch your ass into the forest with the rest of the wild animals." He said, only further pushing Carrot Top's buttons.

She stared at him in silent rage for a few moments. "That's a load of crap and you know it. Do you really feel that way, or do you just love the sound of your own voice?"

"It's my gift to the world." He said with a smirk.

"Hate to break it to you, hun, but the world wants a gift receipt." She added, again trying to beat him in the game of obnoxious loud-mouth.

"No refunds or exchanges, only store credit." He replied, knowing that he'd win this game with little effort.

"I thought we were talking about the manticore." Derpy cut in.

Tumor shushed her. "Derpy, the grownups are talking."

"The second I get the chance, I'm kicking your teeth in." Carrot Top quickly added.

"Try it, bitch!" He shouted.

The sound of an angered roar came from outside as Carrot Top was about to respond. They all ran to the window and saw a tall monstrous figure standing in Carrot Top's garden. "That thing is crushing all of my carrots!" She turned her head as she heard Tumor softly sobbing. "Are you crying?"

Tumor sniffed. "there's just so much beauty in the world, you know?" She face hoofed and Tumor went back to his normal posture. "So, can I kill it?"

"What? No!" The beast roared again, quickly catching her attention. When she looked back out she saw it digging at the ground and tearing out all of her crops. "Kill it, kill it now!"

"Fuck yeah!" Tumor rand outside to face the creature face to face, punching it in the head as soon as he got close enough.

Kill me now...

Author's Note

Warning: This chapter contains 4th wall breaking, crying babies, and flashbacks of violent women

Kill me now...

Tumor stumbled up the stairs. He had stayed up late last night having a private party in the basement consisting of him and about six other people that looked just like him. Thinking back, he did recall being able to see behind him when he looked at those guys and after a minute of processing he finally realized that he had spent all last night talking to a mirror. When he finally got out he worked his way into the living room, bumping into anything in his way and occasionally having to grab onto something so he wouldn't fall over.

"Derpy? Carrot?" He called out before his legs inevitably gave out and he collapsed to the floor. He was laying face-down for several seconds until he heard the soft sound of hoof steps coming toward him. He lifted his head from the ground and looked up to see Carrot Top's face looking down at him with an odd expression "Sup, bitch?"

She continued eyeing him, wondering whether or not she should invite him to begin with. "Hey, buddy." She then said with an odd smile. "How you doing down there?"

He gave her a confused look as she seemed to get more playful with every word that left her lips. "I'm a little dizzy, little out of it."

"Well, that's probably because you were up drinking all night!" She remained playful for maybe half of that sentence before she started to get loud and a bit hostile with her words.

Tumor found this to be a lot more comforting than whatever she was doing earlier. That was just creepy. He forced himself to his feet and shook his head a bit to regain himself. "Yeah, what else is new, you fuck?"

She leaned close to him with a stern gaze. "Listen, my family is coming down today and they want to meet the hero of Ponyville, okay? So while they are here, you need to behave yourself. Understood?"

Tumor stared blankly at her before shaking his head. "I'm sorry, were you talking?" His ears suddenly started ringing as he felt Carrot Tops hoof smack him across the face, "I'm gonna go ahead and take that as a yes."

Carrot Top grabbed the neck of his shirt and used it to pull his face so it was only inches from hers. "I'm serious, Tumor. I want you to behave. That means no yelling, no swearing, no threatening, and absolutely no fighting. Got it?"

Tumor planted a quick but firm kiss on Carrot Top's head, causing her to blush lightly. "Sweetheart, I love you and all but you can go fuck yourself. I'll go to Hell and back and drag your family with me if I damn-well please."

She bowed her head and closed her eyes in defeat. "What do you want?"

"What?"

"What do I need to give you to keep you from running rampant while my family is near?"

"I'm going to need a new glove." He said, looking down at his gloved right hand. "The leather on this one is starting to wear down."

"Sounds easy enough."

"Also I want a suit."

"Why do you want a suit?" She asked. Getting him a suit would be a difficult task since he is the only one of his kind. It'll likely be expensive too because he'll have to have it special ordered.

"Bitches love suits. Plus if I get invited to a formal gathering I wanna look nice before I turn it into the next CBGB."

Carrot Top tilted her head at him. "What's CBGB?"

His eyes became glued to Carrot Top's body. "I outta fucking kill you..."

Two hours later a small group of ponies arrived at the door and Carrot Top welcomed them in. The group consisted of her parents and her sister who was holding her newborn. Tumor sat quietly on the couch, fitting his new glove to his right hand. Once upon a time he only wore gloves on his hand to cover up some nasty scars he got when he was human, but after he got to Equestria his body was reborn as a blank slate. Every scratch, scar, and broken bone made anew. Now he was just so used to having it there that he never bothered taking it off or uncovering his previously injured appendage. As he sat there silently daydreaming he heard Carrot Top's voice call out from the kitchen. "Tumor, can you come in here please?"

He got to his feet and made his way over to the kitchen he saw everypony sitting at the table with smiles on their faces. "I'm here. What's up?"

"He's so remarkable, isn't he honey?" Carrot Top's mother said to her father.

"He sure is." He replied before turning his attention to Carrot Top. "He isn't dangerous, is he?"

"No dad." Carrot Top replied, "He's fine. He won't hurt anyone."

Carrot Top's sister started gazing at him with half lidded eyes. "We'll he's definitely a looker." She said, still holding her foal.

Tumor nodded at the group before deciding to speak up. "He can also understand slash hear everything your saying, so we don't have to talk about him like he's a fu-" He stopped himself before he could finish his sentence and corrected his wording. "Like he's an incompetent fool."

Carrot Top smiled at him, proud that he was actually putting some effort into keeping himself calm and collected for the evening. She was about to say something, but from the looks of it her newborn niece was a bit more anxious. The foal in her sisters hooves started crying softly. "Sis, is there something wrong with the baby?"

Her sister smiled at her and started slowly rocking her hooves from side to side. "No, she's just cranky. She needs to go back to bed."

Carrot Top giggled at her sisters comment but a look of concern started to wash over her features as she looked over to see Tumor with his face buried in his hands and his fingers digging into his skin. "Tumor, are you okay?"

His face was starting to turn red as all of the blood in his body started rushing into his head. "Jesus, fuck..." He said he said quietly.

"Tumor, we talked about this." Carrot Top said as she turned to face him and slammed a hoof on the table. The sound of her hoof striking wood was enough to disturb the foal and make it cry louder. "Oh no, I'm so sorry, sis."

She just smile and continued to rock the small horse gently in her hooves. "It's fine Carrot Top."

"Oh my Hell!" Tumour yelled with his hands covering his ears. The foal continued to cry louder. "Make it stop!"

"Umm, sir?" Carrot Top's father started. "My grandchild isn't an it, now would you mind not doing what you're doing. You're scaring her."

"I don't care what she is." The baby cried louder. "Give her a sucker and make it stop..." Louder, "Put her in a hot car!" He tried so hard not to snap but the baby just kept getting worse and worse. "KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" The whole room gasped and stared at him in shock and awe. "Kill it and put us all out of its fucking misery!"

Tumor had been promptly and harshly kicked out of the house after his little outburst and took off into the night sky. After a bit of flying around all he wanted to do was lay down and relax for a bit. He flew back to the house and found himself a spot on the roof where he could rest for a minute. He laid back and close his eyes, letting his mind sink into several trains of thought. On of them stuck out to him as one from when he was human and he decided to dwell on it for a moment. He was sitting in the passenger side of his friend Alice's car while his friend John sat in the backseat. John was a larger man, he had a big but strong stomach, he was also a fairly hairy individual; so much so that he had been nicknamed things like bear and Sasquatch. His friend Alice was a very petite woman. She was short, thin, and wore glasses. Every time he would look at her face a part of him from the back of his mind would scream out at him, telling him that somewhere deep in her bloodline there was an Asian. He didn't know why this thought came to mind, maybe because she was clearly white with a somewhat Asian looking face; he didn't know how to feel about it, but she was still cute.

John was shifting around in the backseat, kicking a large empty can and it was stating to piss off Alice. "John, knock it off or I'm gonna come back there and rip your dick off."

"What? I'm just keeping myself entertained." He explained, "Can I at least crush the can?"

Alice looked over at her friend. "Dale, should I let him."

Dale looked at her, his eyes glued to hers, "First off, put fucking eyes back on the road."

She sighed and focused her attention back onto the road. "So should I let him?" She asked.

"I don't give a fuck." Dale replied, "I break shit all the time." He suddenly froze as he felt a can being smashed on his head, dripping the liquid from withing down his face as it burst on impact. Dale sat there quietly and looked back at Alice. "I regret this decision."

Tumor came back to reality, laughing out loud as he remembered the that small portion of his life. Every time he went out with his friends things would usually end up getting either very random, very stupid, or very destructive. Part of him missed being out with his old friends and just hanging out doing what all normal teenagers do; partying, drinking, having sex, burning down buildings, killing douche-bags who think they're invincible. Just typical everyday shit. But that all changed when the fire nation attacked...Tumor looked up with an odd expression. "Yo, shit face. Wrong story."

[What?]

"When the fire nation attacked? That's Avatar the last air bender. How the fuck do you even know that line? You've never even seen that show."

[I don't know, I blame the fucking internet.]

"Yeah, she's like mother nature."

[Beautiful, but bitchy.]

"Exactly."

[Oh, fuck!]

"What?"

[We're fucking up the story, people can see this shit.]

"Wrong, you're fucking up the story."

[Bitch I will have you fucking ripped apart and I swear I will make sure you live through it.]

"Now, you see? That was just mean."

[You're one to talk. At least I don't fuck horses]

"You son of a-"

Story Time: The door could be heard opening from beneath him. Tumor flipped off the sky before rolling to the edge of the roof to watch as Carrot Top and her family said their goodbyes and they took off. Carrot Top took a deep breath and sat down on a small wooden chair next to her front door.

Tumor leaned down so his upper body was hanging off of the roof, his body being just long enough for Carrot Top to spot him. "Boo, bitch!"

She screamed in terror before falling out of the chair and landing on her head with a soft thud. "Ow! What the fuck, Tumor?"

He laughed before levitating his body down to the ground and standing right side up. "So how'd it go?"

She got up with an angered expression. "It would have been fine if you didn't start freaking out like you did. What was that all about anyway?"

"Believe it or not, I hate kids. Human and pony alike; I hate them all." He explained.

"Uh, why?"

"I'm not sure, I just do. Every time I see those god damn things I just wanna ring their little necks." He gestured wrapping his hands around a neck and strangling someone. "And when they cry, I wanna beat their tiny little fucking skulls in!"

Okay!" She said, holding up a hoof to emphasize just how much she wanted him to stop talking. "I've heard enough. So I basically can't take you anywhere or have anyone over."

"You can have people over, just make sure that I aint in the same fucking room. Hell, you're lucky I stick around, otherwise youd be pregnant with Rocky Fuck-face's kid."

"We agreed to never speak of that."

"No, you agreed to never speak of it. I sat there and didn't say shit."

"Why do you have to be such an insensitive prick?"

"Why did you have to be dropped on your head as a baby?"

[Will you two just fuck already!]

Carrot Top froze in place. "Who said that?"

Tumor looked around and shrugged, "Fuck if I know, but I like how he thinks." He walked over and grabbed Carrot Top, throwing her over his shoulder and walking into the house."

"What are you doing? Put me down!"

"Not until we get to the bedroom!"

Really!?

Author's Note

Warning: Being the mentally fucked up person I am I ended up getting into an argument with myself and it kinda got translated into here and I'm to lazy to take it out. In short, most of this is consisting of the now broken 4th wall. This will likely happen a lot less after this chapter.

Really!?

Tumor awoke in Carrot Top's room with her head laying on top of his chest. Despite how comfortable he was he didn't plan on staying in bed all day. So with a bit of careful wiggling he managed to slip out of the bed unnoticed. Looking up toward the ceiling he- "Hey!"

[...]

"Got anymore smart-ass remarks that'll help get me laid more often?"

[Get your lazy ass out of that room before I come in there and beat your ass! You're not even supposed to know I'm here.]

"Hey, you made me like you and that includes the whole 'talking to people who aren't there' thing."

[I'm schizophrenic, you fuck.]

"And I'm still horny, so how about you help me out."

[How about we get back to the actual story, Dale!]

"I hope you know that Dale is an ugly name."

[Trust me, I've noticed.]

"Isn't that your middle name?"

[GET BACK TO THE FUCKING STORY!!!]

Tumor made his way downstairs after scrounging up his cloths and getting dressed in the hallway. Once down he went over to the fridge and-"Dude, we're out of milk."

[Okay, seriously, I want this story to work and with you constantly talking to me it's just fucking it up.]

"Your shit grammar is what's fucking up the story, I'm the whole reason it became so popular."

[I swear to the great Shangri-La above I'm gonna stick my boot so far up your ass that the sweat on my knee is going to quench your thirst!]

"Try it, bitch!"

[Sorry, sweetheart, but I have a better idea.]

"What?"

Tumor walked outside, basking in the open and letting the sun shine down on him. "Gay..." He suddenly found himself becoming very nauseous. He shook his head in an attempt to clear it out, but found that it only grew worse. Before long his vision began to blur, he tried to walk but would stumble and fall with with every attempt. Just before everything started fading to black he looked over and noticed a dart in his shoulder. Then he collapsed, his body finally giving up and forcing him into sleep. He woke up several hours later in what appeared to be a basement, but sadly this one wasn't his. He was strapped down to a chair, making him unable to move. "What the fuck?" He asked, more curious than anything else. He then heard a soft but high pitched giggle snort in the distance and his eyes widened. "Oh, you're a fucking dick!"

[Hey, you had to get it from someone and it sure as fuck wasn't your non-existent father.]

"Didn't your father walk out on-"

[I will fucking kill you right now!]

Meanwhile:

Derpy yawned in her bed as she started to wake up. Her eyes were still a little heavy, but she managed to get them open before sitting up and stretching her limbs. After making herself just a little more limber she hopped out of the bed and made her way to the kitchen where she started to prepare the batter for her breakfast muffins. As she gathered the ingredients she hummed a soft tune to herself and started baking. She noticed Carrot Top walking into the house, she appeared to be a little flustered. "Good morning, Carrot. Is everything alright?"

She took a moment to reply, but managed to do so calmly. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just can't seem to find Tumor anywhere."

"I'm sure her's near. You know how he likes to be out and about all the time and he's very strong so it's not like anything will hurt him." Derpy explained, hoping it would cheer up her friend.

"I know, I know, but it doesn't stop me from worrying." As Carrot Top said this she head a light giggle come from Derpy. "What? What's so funny?"

Derpy hushed herself. "Oh, nothing. It's just that you and him seem to be spending a lot of quality time together lately. You two hangout, you worry about him, you're starting to sleep in the same bed, you even brought your family over to meet him."

"Yeah, remind me to never do that again. It was horrible." She said, not catching on to what Derpy was hinting at.

"Carrot Top, do you have a crush on him?" Derpy asked with a devilish grin.

Carrot Top's face turned beat red. "D-Derpy! No, of course not." She said firmly, her face betraying her however.

Derpy giggled happily, "You do like him! I knew it!"

"Knock it off, Derpy. I don't want the whole world to know."

"Please, Carrot Top, do you know how many ponies would ravage his body the second they got the chance to?" She asked as she placed the muffin batter into the oven and set the timer before facing her friend again. "You're not exactly the only pony who's head over hooves for him."

"It's disgusting!" Carrot snapped, "All they want is to ride his bones, they don't care about him because of who he is, they just want him because he's the hero of Ponyville. They don't lo-" She stopped, catching herself before continuing, "care about him the way I do..."

Derpy walked over and put a hoof over Carrot Top's shoulder, pulling her close. "Don't worry, Carrot Top, I'm not going to say anything. You're Auntie Derpy has your back." She said with a smile.

"Aren't I older than you?" She asked with a grin.

"Only by like a month!" Derpy argued

"Now?"

[No]

"Now?"

[No!]

"Now?"

[NO!!!]

"Can I leave now?"

[Fuck you, you're staying.]

"Come on, this is fucking stupid. Just let me go or I'll use my powers to obliterate this place."

[You can't, I've restricted you from using your powers.]

"How the fuck are you able to restrict me?"

[Bitch, did you forget who made you. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't fucking be here!]

"Exactly, now leave so I can get out!"

[That's not how this works, sweetheart. You're stuck here, have fun]

As Carrot Top and Derpy discussed her feelings for the human they both became startled by a loud bang that came from their door once, twice, and on the third the door broke and swung open. Carrot Top ran over, leaving Derpy in the kitchen, but what she saw surprised her. She was expecting to see Tumor bloody and beaten, but instead she just saw him standing there as if nothing was going on. "Tumor, are you okay?"

He let out a light cough before answering. "Yeah, I'm all good. Why?"

"Well, you kinda kicked down our door. I was half expecting us to be mugged." She explained.

"Congradu-fucking-lations, you weren't mugged." He said, walking pass her and taking a muffin off of the table and practically swallowing it whole. Carrot Top just stood there and watch, debating whether or not to yell at him because of the door, but she felt surprisingly...she didn't know. She didn't really feel anything. In fact the way she felt right now made it seem like the world could blow up and she'd just stare at it out of boredom.

"Tumor." Derpy started, "Where have you been? You've been gone since this morning and we haven't seen you since."

"Yeah, about that...I don't really know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It means I don't fucking know. The writer never specified that and he was too damn lazy to talk about how I escaped, so obviously it wasn't that important." He explained to Derpy. " Aint that right, asshole?"

[Ladies and Gentlemen, fags and faggets. Just let it be known that this asshole is the whole reason I'm cutting this chapter short]

"Yeah, cause it's totally my fault."

[Keep the sarcasm to yourself dick-head]

"At least I have a dick-head."

[Yeah, the head is all you've got]

"You mother-"

[And stop: I hope you all enjoyed the story despite its briefness and the unprofessional behavior of my fuck-face of a partner, Dale. Let us hope that he may one day decide to stop being such a prick and cooperate with my efforts to write this stuff. Until then, you can blame him for all of the bullshit]

"Don't forget to comment on how much of a loser this fucker is."

[I'm gonna fucking kill him]

Please apply ice...

Author's Note

What's better than one raging asshole? ;P

Please apply ice...

Tumor was laying on the couch, out cold from the night before as his friend Carrot Top sat in the chair across from him and went through the mail. As she sifted she spotted an odd looking scroll, bound with a purple ribbon and a golden seal with the letter T engraved into it. She put the other papers aside and removed the seal so she could read the scroll's contents. "Tumor, get up!" She shouted just loud enough to make him wake up and fall onto the floor. "You have a letter from Princess Twilight."

He laid face down on the floor and groaned. "What the fuck does she want?"

She shrugged, "I'm not completely sure. Do you know anyone by the name Jack?"

"What?" He asked, sounding more confused than anything else.

She sighed, "Here, I'll just read it." Carrot Top cleared her throat before starting. "Dear Tumor, it would seem that another of your kind has appeared in Equestria. Though hostile at first, I managed to calm him enough to get a decent amount of information from him. The world he described seemed to be very similar to yours, seeing how he mentioned everything from the man named Cole to The Beast. I believe that it would be best for you to come meet him, he claims to know who you are and has asked me to let him draw the image at the bottom of this scroll. I hope to see you soon, you're friend, Twilight Sparkle." She took a breath, relieved that she had finished the letter.

Tumor listened in silence until Carrot Top finished. "Wait, so there's someone from my world here?" He asked.

"That's what it says and apparently they know you." She replied, pointing out the obvious.

"Well who the fuck even is it?" He asked, raising his voice slightly.

"Hey, I told you everything that was on here so don't get snippy with me. There was all of that and a drawing on the bottom signed by somepony by the name of Jack Jeckel." She almost jumped as Tumor snatched the scroll from her and looked it over, but regained her composure. "So, recognize it at all?"

He didn't seem phased by it in the slightest. "It's a fucking joke. This is a character from the stupid ICP guys."

Carrot Top tilted her head in confusion, "Who?"

"You know, the Insane Clown posse."

"Who?"

"The Insane Clown Ponies, maybe?"

"Not ringing a bell."

Tumor rubbed his neck and started pacing around the room, muttering the name repeatedly to himself as he eyed the drawing. It didn't take long for the message to be truely received and as it came to him his body froze and his eyes widened. "We need to go...now."

"Umm, why?" She asked.

He looked over at Carrot Top with his wide eyes, looking like he had just seen a ghost. "There's no time to explain, we need to move!"

Tumor kicked open the castle doors and ran in with Carrot Top following close behind. He ran to the room he had been when he was first invited over to find Twilight sipping tea by herself in a chair. "Twilight!" He shouted as he approached her and came to a stop just before running into her chair. "Where the hell is he!?"

Twilight shot him an annoyed look. "First off, hello to you two. Secondly, he went to use the bathroom."

"Listen, this is important. If he is who I think he is then...just fucking work with me here." He said with nothing but seriousness in his eyes.

"Who do you think it is?"

"I don't know for sure, so you need to help me. What does he look like?"

"Well he was wearing a pair of red pants with a bunch of pockets and a black shirt that it looks like he ripped the sleeves off of-"

"Physically, you dumb bitch! His face, his body! Come on, do you not fucking realize how important this is right now!?"

Twilight was startled as Tumor suddenly became aggressive and flinched as he yelled at her. "H-he looks like you..."

"...like me?" He asked.

"Like him?" Carrot Top added, being very curious about the situation .

Twilight nodded, "Yes, he looked just like you, even had the same hair style; only his was a bit messier. He also looked a little more muscley and had bright orange eyes."

"Don't forget, I'm also a lot more charming." They all turned their heads toward a dark hallway to see a pair of glowing orange eyes staring at them. It walked closer to the group as it continued to speak with a somewhat upbeat tone. "You know, that was one hell of a disappearing act you pulled. I mean, fuck, you along with everything within a three mile radius was just fucking gone! Nothing left but a large crater full of memories."

Tumor left the group and slowly made his way to the human. Carrot Top was staring at them in shock while Twilight curiously observed them. With every step he made, his mind became more overwhelmed. "You're alive..." He said, stopping inches from his face.

He chuckled, "Damn right. What, you think they called me Phoenix just because they thought I was fucking pretty? Fuck you, bitch!"

"Marco..."

"Polo!" He said with a laugh. "Come on, Dale. You know how much I hated that name, it's Jack now." He reached over and tapped his fingers on the Jack Jeckel tattoo on his arm. "Remember? I changed it, dipshit."

"I don't know whether I should hug you or punch you."

"Either way you're getting a knee to the dick."

The four are all gathered around in a booth at sugarcube corner, the new human known as Marco, a.k.a Jack, constantly getting eyed from every direction. But it was almost as if he didn't notice their glares. As they silently sat, Twilight was assessing the information they had given on the trip to the bakery.

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Twilight started, "You two are brothers who separated after the blast so that if something happened one of you would live, then you became conduits, fought in the war together until Jack was moved to a new section, and haven't seen each other since?" The brothers nodded in unison, confirming her story. "Okay, its weird, but not impossible." She said, still thinking about everything. "So what can you do, Jack?"

He looked up to face Twilight, "Well I kill people for fun, I fuck whores, I've been known to resort to cannibalism when I'm bored-"

"I mean, what kind of conduit are you? What are your powers?"

"Oh, bitch you should have just asked." He said as Twilight rolled her eyes at him. "Well, my abilities aren't as strong as my brother's, but I'm a pretty powerful fire conduit."

"So you can control fire?" She asked, somewhat excitedly.

"Fuck yeah, man. I absorb it, my body amplifies it, and then I can use it for whatever I want." He replied.

"Okay, I have to ask since no pony else seems to care." Carrot Top added, "How did you get here?" She asked, looking at Jack.

Jack chuckled before pointing at Twilight. "That's all you, sweetheart."

Twilight smiled nervously, "Aha, yeah, about that...I kind of took a sample of Tumor's hair and used it to see if I could open a window to his universe. You know, so I could see it for myself. But, instead, the spell I used ended up bringing the closest genetic match it could find here." She explained, still looking rather flustered.

Jack leaned back and put his feet on the table, letting everypony around get an eyeful of his black shoes. "Well ain't that about a bitch."

Twilight's face went from nervous to confused. "Wait, you're not mad?"

"Fuck no! Why would I be? If anything, I should be thanking your purple ass."

Before Twilight could respond a tall green stallion walked up to Carrot Top. "Hey, good looking. Where have you been all my life?"

Carrot Top could smell the liquor on him, it was almost bad enough to make her vomit. "Sorry, pal, but I'm not interested."

"Come on, babe. Let's have some fun." He said as he put a hoof on her shoulder.

Tumor slammed his fist into the table to get the stallions attention. "Hey, she said no."

The stallion started to wear an angered expression. "Why don't you stay out of this, freak."

Tumor was about to get up, but his brother blocked him with an arm. "Don't worry, I got this." Tumor smiled and rested back into his seat as Jack got up and stood on top of the table. "Listen you ugly fuck. My brother is trying to spare you of the fucking embarrassment of rejection, okay? My friend, the fact of the matter here is that you just don't have enough game to be with a mare like this. So take your fuckin drunk ass outta here and go home." At this point all eyes in the bakery were on Jack.

The stallion growled, but started to grin. "Oh yeah? Well where's your girl huh? Let me guess, you couldn't get one because you look like something that crawled out of the sewers. Where's your game now, punk?"

"About, I don't know, balls deep in your mother's dirty cunt." Jack retorted with a smile. "Holy shit! We're gonna need some ice, cause this mother fucker just got burned!" The stallion flew into a rage and pushed pass Carrot Top to get to the table, but before he could climb up Jack pulled a chain out from behind him and swung it into the side of his attackers head with enough force to knock him unconscious. "Yeah! You just got knocked the fuck out, bitch!" He hopped off of the table and landed back in his seat. "That's how we do it, ain't that right, bro? Whoop whoop!" Reaching into one of his many pockets, Jack pulled out a bottle of Black Cherry Faygo and chugged half of it before holding the rest of it out to his brother.

Tumor looked at his brother like he was an idiot. "Seriously, dude, don't do that juggalo shit with me. I mean, you like that weird shit, that's fine. Just keep you clowny bullshit to yourself."

"Bitch, either you drink it or I'm shoving this fucking bottle so far up your ass you're gonna be able to unscrew the lid with your god damn teeth."

"Don't even fucking think about it, asshole!"

And like that Jack jumped over the table and tackled Tumor, pinning him to the ground with his legs. With one hand he held the bottle up high and with the other he grabbed Tumor's belt and ripped it off. "Great Milenko, give me the power to fuck this bitch up!"

Shenanigans

Twilight walked about her castle with Jack walking close behind. Since she was the reason that he ended up in this world she thought it was best if he stayed with her until further notice. For the past thirty minutes they wandered the castle with her showing him which rooms were where and the room that he would be staying in, which was only three doors from hers.

"So, now that you know the castle inside and out, do you have any questions, comments, or concerns you feel need to be addressed?" She smiled as she asked this, but that didn't last long. Her smile had dropped almost as soon as she turned her head to face her guest who seemed to be more focused on the several balls of fire he was juggling. "Jack..." She waited for a response, but didn't get one. "Jack!"

The clumps of fire vanished as his attention was finally caught. "What the fuck are you yelling about?"

"Did you even hear a word I said, have you paid even the littlest amount of attention during the tour?"

"Are you a green headed dragon with a red body and twelve penises?"

"Eww, no!"

"Exactly!"

She sighed, irritated beyond her own comprehension. This was almost as bad as when she had contacted Tumor via telepathy. "I can't tell if you aren't paying attention because you have some sort of mental illness, or if you're just trying to ignore me."

"Yes." He replied simply, looking directly at her so she knew he was paying attention.

Twilight's hoof shot up and smacked her in the head as she let out an annoyed grunt.

Jack was wondering aimlessly around the castle halls. It had been well over four hours since Twilight showed him around the place and about two hours since she had left to take care of some royal duty. As he wandered he juggled his fire balls effortlessly. It had taken him about a year to teach himself how to do it properly, but doing it with his powers made it a lot easier since he could control how high he wanted them to go just by thinking about it. He suddenly jumped as the sound of a small explosion went off and a stream of confetti shot out at him. He stumbled and tripped, falling onto his back. The balls of fire vanished before he fell, minus the one that was in his hand. Upon hitting the ground the ball slipped from his hand and shot out at the door of a bedroom behind him. The door immediately went up in flames and Jack shot up as quick as his body would allow and began to absorb the fire.

By the time the fire was gone the door was completely gone, luckily the surrounding walls didn't appear to be damaged. "Dammit...where the fuck do I find a replacement for this shit?" He asked himself aloud. His mind was suddenly told him to run as he heard the castle doors open and Twilight's voice calling his name in the distance. He made his way to his room, but Twilight had spotted him just before he closed the door. Jack hopped into his bed and acted like nothing had happened.

Twilight trotted over to where she had seen Jack, but stopped when she notice the door to her room, or in this case the lack of a door. "What the hay? How did-" She stopped herself and thought about it for a second. "Jack..." She muttered to herself before walking to his bedroom and opening the door with her magic. Jack looked at her and waved, looking like had just woken up from a nap. She smiled, doing her best to remain calm and address the situation without altercation. "Jack, where's the door to my room?"

Jack looked over at her with serious eyes, "We were robbed..." He watched as her smile suddenly sank and worry started to fill her features. "and all they took was the door."

Twilight's worried expression immediately turned to one of annoyance before face-hoofing. "Why do I get myself involved with stuff like this?" She asked herself.

"Maybe if you stopped smashing your fucking head in with your own hoof you'd still have enough brain cells to figure that one out, dipshit." He replied for her.

The castle was dark, minus the light coming from a projector in the center of the room. Twilight had to set up a presentation for important delegates from all over Equestria. After a few slideshows of charts and graphs and what not the delegates seemed pleased with what she was saying. Noticing their approval, Twilight smiled both inside and out. "Well, I'm glad that we could all come to an agreement on these terms. Now, I will just set up the arrangements to have a meeting with Princess Celestia to-" She stopped as a strange noise filled the room. She wasn't the only one to take notice of the sound though, the delegates were looking all around to find the source. It wasn't until they looked up that they saw a figure falling toward them. "What the-" Twilight started, but stopped as the figure finally landed, smashing the projector beneath it. Twilight recognized the figure immediately and quickly took notice that his hair was on fire, or rather made of fire. "Jack, your hair!?"

Jack's arms shot into the air as he let out an energetic whoop. "I am a fucking candle!" He shouted before running out of the room and sprinting down the hall, shouting random nonsense all the while.

Twilight smiled nervously as the delegates put their focus back on her with a rather judgmental look in their eyes.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Spike asked, not really comfortable with this little experiment Jack wanted to do.

"Think about it, okay? You're a dragon, fire won't hurt you. I'm a fire conduit, I'll absorb any flames that touch me and come out completely unscathed. Not only that," Jack walked over and punched the basement walls a few times, "but these walls will be able to handle more than just a little bit of burn damage." He looked back to see spike's nervous expression. "Bud, don't worry about it. If shit gets sour then blame me, I'm the fucker who came up with this idea anyway. Besides, I'm always the bad guy."

Spike raised a brow at him. "What do you mean by that?"

"Doesn't matter." Jack stood on the opposite side of the room looking like he was about ready to start a fight. "Alright, you ready?" He asked.

"I guess..." Spike replied, still feeling a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing.

"Alright, in three..." They both took a breath. "Two.." They took in another breath, this one being much deeper. "One..." This time when they inhaled, they didn't exhale. "Now!"

Twilight had been reading in her room for a short while. It was nice to finally be able to relax and have some time to herself what with all of the craziness going on since Jack's arrival. That was behind her right now though and all that mattered was that she finally managed to get some peace and quiet. However, that was interrupted with a loud explosion and sudden shaking of the castle. "What now?" She groaned, not looking forward to whatever mess it was she was going to have to deal with. She followed a trail of smoke that started to fill the hallways until she eventually found herself in the basement, staring at a tall human and a small dragon. Both standing completely still and covered in soot.

"Spike..." Jack started, sounding completely unfazed.

"Yes, Jack?"

"That was awesome..."

Carrot Top exited the house carrying a small basket with her. As she exited she made her way to a small blanket in the grass consisting of two ponies; her friend Derpy and the Princess of Friendship herself, Twilight Sparkle. She set the basket in the center of the blanket and took a seat with the two mares. "I brought sandwiches." She said with a smile.

"Yum!" Depry said with glee, reaching into the basket and pulling out the snack.

"Thank you." Twilight responded, levitating one out for herself.

Carrot Top stared at Twilight for a moment before speaking to her. "So, what exactly brings the Princess of Friendship to my little home?"

"Well, it is nice to get out every so often, but above all I just had to know,
She paused, looking at the two humans in the distance who seemed to be wrestling and rolling around in the dirt. "How do you do it?"

"How do I do what?" Carrot Top asked curiously.

"How do you deal with him? I mean, I understand that Tumor and Jack are two different people, but they seem to behave alike in most ways. I just can't figure out how to keep him under control. He's loud, he's obnoxious, he breaks almost everything he gets his hands on, and not a day goes by where he hasn't started a fire in my castle!" She buried her face in her hooves. "It's just becoming too much and I don't know how much more I can take."

"Honestly Princess, you really can't." She watched Twilight sink further into her hooves, obviously not being pleased with the answer she was given, "but, he can learn on his own."

"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.

"Well," Derpy started, "when Tumor first showed up here he wasn't exactly the perfect gentlecolt. When I met him he was then as he is now. The only difference is that he's gotten used to being here and being around us so he's not as hostile and rude as he used to be. I think if you give him time he'll warm up to you and maybe he'll even settle down a bit, at least enough for you to keep your sanity." She said with a giggle, "But honestly, I kind of feel bad for you..." She whispered the last part.

"What? Why?" Twilight asked.

Carrot Top picked up from there. "You see, Tumor and Jack are clearly a lot alike, but they do have lines where the other is not willing to cross. Tumor can be aggressive and extremely violent, but Jack is relentless. A little while back in the doughnut shop in Ponyville a stallion came in and started a fight with him, Tumor replied by beating him until he was too weak to resist being arrested. Jack likely would have killed him without a second thought. His anger is much more uncontrollable and he's willing to do things that Tumor wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole." She explained, making Twilight cringe slightly.

"Like what?" She asked.

"Did he ever tell you about when he ate another human?"

"What? No!"

"Why am I not surprised...I'm sorry princess, but when it comes down to it, we have the good twin."

"How do you know all of this?"

"Tumor told me. He really cares about his brother, but at the same time I can tell that he's scared. Not of him, but for him."

"Wow, I guess I really-" She stopped as she looked over and saw Jack picking up Tumor and launching his body toward them. "DUCK!!!" The mares all lowered their heads and Tumor's body flew right over them. Once he was a decent distance away they all sat upright again and the humans went back to wrestling. "That was close."

"No kidding." Derpy said as she munched on her sandwich.

The [s**tty] royal meeting

The [s**tty] royal meeting

"Oh no, oh no, oh no..." Twilight said as she paced around her castle. She had gotten a letter from Celestia about a week ago stating that by the end of the week she wanted to meet the two humans that have arrived in their world so she could better get to know and understand them. Throughout that week she had been trying to teach Jack how to use manners properly an more importantly how not to start a fire every twelve seconds. "What am I gonna do? If I don't take him Celestia will be mad and think I'm hiding something, but if I do he'll destroy the whole palace just for a laugh! Oh, what should I do?"

Just then the castle door opened and Tumor walked in. "Hey, magic bitch, where are you?" He looked around and saw Twilight, her hoof held high for him to see but her head hanging low in defeat. "Hey, the girls asked me to come in and see what was taking you so damn long."

Twilight sighed, "I'm just worried. I mean, you know your brother better than any of us, what will he do when we get to Canterlot?"

"That really depends, what's it like?"

"Well, it's a busier place full of a bunch of rich snobs who only care about their own self-image." She replied, using every bit of prejudice in her body. She loved Canterlot and all, but the ponies there weren't all that great.

"Snobs huh?" He said, "He'll probably scorch the whole town."

"So what you're saying is-"

"We're fucked."

"I thought so." Twilight's head sunk lower until her horn touched the ground and sparked slightly.

As that spark flashed so did the light bulb above Tumor's head. "I may have an idea..." Twilight's ears perked up and she lifted her head hopefully. "Do you have any spells that on might use on an insomniac?"

She thought for a moment before catching on to what he was getting at and put on a devious grin. "I may have just what you're looking for."

The group gathered in the VIP section of the train, which allowed them a lot of extra moving space and several other smaller luxuries. Derpy, Carrot Top, and Tumor all sat on one side of the train, that is, after Tumor threw his unconscious brother onto the floor next to where Twilight was sitting.

Once the train started moving Carrot Top clapped her hooves together excitedly. "I can't believe I am actually going to the palace to meet the royal sisters. This is so amazing!"

"I can believe she's just leaving him there." Derpy added randomly.

They looked over to the other side of the train. Twilight was sitting in her seat and looking out the window as trees and mountains passed by while Jack laid dead asleep face down on the floor.

"What did she do to him?" Carrot Top asked.

"She wanted to know how to keep his ass under enough control to get him to the palace without starting The Great Fire of Canterlot City." Tumor explained. "So I recommended some hardcore nap time. It's not like he sleeps a whole lot anyway, so we're doing him a fucking favor."

The trip was mostly quiet, minus Derpy and Carrot Top chatting away with each other. Tumor had moved over to sit with Twilight to keep her company for the rest of the trip. "So, how's living with my brother treating you?"

"It's a nightmare." She replied with a small laugh. "He's just so destructive in careless. Has he always been that way?"

"Pretty much." He answered. "I can't remember a single day where he wasn't either running wild in the streets or tormenting people."

"Why?"

"Mostly for fun. One of his many mottoes Hate me, love me, fuck you."

"What's that supposed to mean."

"Exactly what it says; If you hate me, fuck you. Even if you like me, fuck you." He explained. "He's been like that since we were born. He never really cared for much and the only thing he looked out for was himself. He's even convinced himself that he's the Evil twin."

"I can see why."

"Please don't say that in front of him, I don't want him to be encouraged to get worse."

"You think he acts like this on purpose?"

"Honestly, I don't have a fucking clue."

They managed to get through the city and into the castle with little issues. The worse they had to face was a bunch of nasty glares from the locals, but they paid no mind. Twilight was used to it from growing up here, Carrot Top and Derpy were too distracted by the structures to notice any of the ponies, and Tumor was only focused on not dropping his sleeping brother. Jack started waking up when they made it into the throne room, the rest of his drowsiness vanished as he felt his body fall and land on a hard surface. The two Princesses rose from their thrones and walked over to the group. The ponies all bowed while Tumor stood there and watched Jack slowly try to get to his feet.

"Good Evening my little ponies." Celstia said with milk in her voice

"What. The. FUCK!?!?!?" Jack shouted, causing everyone's eyes to widen and lock onto him. He turned to face Twilight with fire in his eyes, literally. "You fucking put me to sleep!? You bitch! I should tear your fucking throat-" He was silenced as Tumor grabbed him from behind and started draining the energy out of him.

"Shhh, it's okay buddy. Just lay back down." He said to his brother.

Jack felt his body starting to give up on him and fell to his knees. "I fucking hate you all..." He commented tiredly.

"Well, this one seems to be quite the character." Luna commented, finding Jack to be very unnerving.

Celestia nodded in agreement, before turning her attention to Tumor. "I take it that you are the new hero of Ponyville. Dale the Warhorse, right?"

He nodded, "Yes ma'am, but you can call me Tumor."

The sisters raised a brow at him. "An interesting name." Luna added, "I can only assume that it holds some sort if meaning."

"That's very perceptive of you. It does." Tumor confirmed.

"We trust that it's meaning is not mischievous?"

"It's a way of expressing how, despite my reputation of being a pain, I tend to grow on those around me." He explained.

Luna smiled, "How clever."

The royal sisters then turned their attention onto the weakened human sitting before them. "And who might this be exactly?" Luna asked.

Twilight stepped up and introduced him. "This is Jack, Tumors twin brother. He arrived here by accident when I attempted to to make a window into their world using DNA from Tumor. Rather than giving me a window though it pulled the closest genetic match it could find into our world." Twilight suddenly fell silent as Jack raised a hand and pointed at Celestia before muttering something incoherent. "What?"

"She has a sun on her ass," he said slowly, "she's has a sunbutt..." They all roles their eyes at him, minus Tumor who was stifling a chu kle. "It's about the size of a sun too..."

Tumor cracked and started laughing while the jaws of everypony near dropped, minus Luna who was doing her best not to laugh.

"Let me out of here you stupid fucking horses!!!" Jack shouted from behind the magical barrier. After regaining his strength he had tried to attack his brother and the guards reacted by putting a containment spell around him to ensure the safety of all in the castle.

"Sister, he seems to be far too excitable. I believe it would be best if we had him kept under observation until we can determine if he is a threat to our subjects." Luna suggested to her sister.

"I think that would be best." She agreed.

"Then you're both six kinds of stupid." Tumor commented, earning him stares from every direction. "Look, I know my brother better than any one else, okay. I promise if you keep him contained not only will he find a way to escape, but he'll be out for blood. You will regret this decision."

"Well, what would you suggest?" Luna asked.

"Let him do his own thing. He's not going to attack anyone unless they attack him first." His words were true and the princesses could sense that much, but they also felt that he was leaving out a few details. He was, clearly. His brother wouldn't attack anyone unless he was provoked, that much was on the dot, but when he did attack he wouldn't stop until everything around him was no longer breathing.

"Come on Sunny Cheeks!" Jack shouted from behind the barrier, "You heard the man, let me out." He said, pressing his face against his transparent prison. "Pleeezzz..."

Celestia and Luna began to communicate telepathically to come to a final decision.

I do not trust it sister, it's much too risky Luna started

Neither do I. We will just have to explain why we-

[Yo, shut the fuck up for a second]

I beg your pardon

[Luna, I love you but zip your fucking lips]

Just who is this?

[Hi Celestia, nice to meet you too, good to know you're too fucking stupid to listen as well. What part of shut the fuck up did you not hear? You know what...]

The royal sister suddenly found themselves unable to speak both physically and mentally.

[I am your fucking God, period. Now listen, you need to let him out. In fact, you don't even have a god damn choice in the matter, you're letting him out. No ifs, ands, or butts. I don't care how big they are. I don't know how to continue this if he stays locked up because I promised myself the next few chapters would be focused on Jack. So, let him out or I will see to it that you're completely immobile and in the creepypasta version of sugar cube corners basement. Good? Good! Now line up your virgins and-whoops, wrong story there for a sec...just let Jack the hell out or I'll kill you.]

Celestia and Luna, out of shock and fear, had Jack released and the group sent back to Ponyville to continue living their lives as they pleased.

"Celestia?" Luna started, "What was that, how did it get control of our minds?"

"I do not know Luna, but it's clearly very powerful." She tried to understand what could possibly have so much power, but couldn't put her hoof on it.

"Do you think it shall return?"

[ I never left, cutie ;P ]

After the group had gotten off of the train they slip up and went to their separate ways. Jack followed close behind Twilight back to the castle, juggling his balls of fire again. When they got inside Twilight sighed. Today had been rough, and honestly, a bit scary. She felt like she should be fearing for her life around Jack, but for some reason she wasn't. That didn't matter to her right now though, she was tired and ready for bed. She looked over and saw Spike napping on the floor. From the looks of it he had been cleaning up for her while they were gone and he passed out.

Twilight turned to face Jack, still juggling away like nothing else existed. "Jack, I'm going to bed. Please don't destroy the place."

"I make no promises. " He replied, "Now get the hell out of here and leave me be."

Twilight rolled her eyes at him. Right as she was about to take off she heard a loud snap and a crash, followed by a yelp and the sound of Spike groaning in pain. "Spike!?" She yelled, running over to help him. She could hear Jack dying of laughter behind her as she made her way over to her number one assistant who seemed to have been crushed by a falling party canon. Apparently at one point Pinkie decided to put a few on the ceiling. "Are you okay, spike?"

"I'm fine." He groaned, "Just a little banged up is all." He watched as Twilight smiled and levitated the cannon off of him, but noticed that another one seemed to be falling down, this time towards her. "Twilight! Look out!" He shouted.

She looked up to see the object plummeting directly at her and screamed before closing her eyes and bracing for impact. Strangely she didn't get hit. It certainly didn't feel like anything had landed on her. When she opened her eyes she was met with the sight of Jack standing beside her, holding up the party/war machine. "What?" She asked, finding it odd that he actually protected her. She watched as Jack looked over the decorated canon before tossing it aside without thinking much else about it. He completely ignored Twilight's question as well and walked straight to his bedroom without saying a single word. "Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you find it weird that a creature that seems to do nothing but destroy everything it touches just stopped a rouge party canon from smashing me into bits when it clearly got a laugh out of it happening to you?"

"That's a very specific question."

"I'm a very specific pony, with a very specific mind, containing a very specific behavioral chart that just became obsolete in the last fifteen seconds."

The Phoenix and The War Horse

Twilight was having a rather peaceful day today. Jack was being quiet, spike was over at Rarity's, and their were no calls to duty due to her title. However, that all ended when she heard a knocking at her door. She got up and went to answer it, finding Derpy on the other side.

"Hello, Princess!" Derpy said happily.

"Hi, Derpy. What can I do for you?" She asked, wondering if the pony needed her help with something.

"I actually came to drop off a scroll from Celestia." She explained, pulling a scroll out of her bag. "Spike asked me to give it to you."

"Oh?" She grabbed the scroll with her magic, "Thank you, Derpy."

"You're welcome, Twilight." Derpy spread her wings and took off back towards town, leaving Twilight with the message from Celestia.

Twilight closed the door and opened the scroll, reading it aloud;

Dear Twilight

As much as I would love to welcome these new creatures into our world with open hooves, I still find myself being unable to properly trust them living among my subjects. I do not know if their intent on helping us is purely genuine or fine deception. With that in mind I have come up with a small test to see if they really are willing to help us. There have been reports of a dragon that keeps trying to invade Manehattan. You are to take the humans there and have them fight off the dragon and keep it from causing any further damage to the city.

Sincerely Princess Celestia

She put a hoof to her head and started massaging her temple. "Well, that's definitely a thing..." She put the scroll up and went about collecting items for her trip to Manehattan. After loading everything into a saddle bag she grab a single strapped bag that Jack was wearing when he first showed up and levitated it over to him, dropping it onto his head.

Jack grunted at the sudden impact before growling at Twilight. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Get some stuff together, we have a mission."

The three were riding in the back of one of the royal carriages, as per requested by Princess Twilight, discussing what were supposed to be battle strategies but eventually turned into an improv story between the two brothers.

"The dragon then gives birth all over the city..." Jack started, "dropping egg after egg out of it's ass onto the heads of the ponies below it. Then...shit, your turn."

Tumor cleared his throat before continuing his brothers story. "Then, once the eggs hit the ponies, it would explode. Because, as it turns out, they weren't really eggs. They were the egg shells wrapped around small nuclear warheads that, once set off, would kill the nearest pony and turn all of the others into genital eating zombies..." His brother put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing. "Okay, you're up. I'm out of ideas right now." Tumor said between chuckles.

"How about this," Twilight came in with an irritant tone. "Princess Celestia is notified of the chaos so she comes down and destroys the dragon and the zombies. Then after that, she zaps the both of you out of existence. The End."

The brothers glanced at each other in silence before Jack finally spoke up. "Celestia can't stop them, she's still in the castle dungeon with the magic nullifying ring on her horn and getting raped by Abdul, the Minotaur king of butt fetish's." Tumor nodded plainly, confirming the recollected portion of the story.

Twilight facehoofed before being notified by the guards that they were about to land near where Celestia stated the dragon was. They landed just on the outskirts of the city and hopped out of the carriage. "Be on high alert, dragons are very dangerous and very destructive. We need to neutralize him and send him away from here, understood?"

Tumor saluted her sarcastically while Jack flipped her off, earning an annoyed groan from the small purple horse. They started walking around the area, looking for any sign that a dragon might be there. Tumor took to the skies while Twilight and Jack searched the ground, going their separate ways to get a wider range. Strangely enough there weren't anything proving a dragon was even in the area. Their were no caves, not claw prints, nothing. "Hey Twilight!" Tumor yelled, "I think your fucking God horse just trolled us...Bitch."

Twilight didn't want to believe it, but it almost seemed like he was right. "Jack! Did you find something? Anything?"

"Not a god damn thing!" He replied, shouting from the top of a small hill.

She sighed, slightly disappointed that Celestia would send them on a wild goose chase. Had she lost faith in her? She could only wonder. Twilight was snapped out of her thought though when she noticed that the area around her was getting brighter and also a lot warmer. She turned around to find the source of this and was met with a large ball of fire flying at her at great speeds. She gasped and activated a magic force field that protected her from the attack. When the fire died down she looked over at Jack, shouting at him as her blood started to boil. "What the hay, Jack!? Are you trying to kill me!?!?!?"

"That wasn't me you stupid fucking book horse!" He yelled back. At that moment the the world around them seemed to be shifting and moving around. "What the hell?"

They watched as pieces of the area around them seemed to bend as if they were made of rubber and gather up in one spot. Once it had all been gathered it suddenly started to change, revealing itself to be a twelve foot tall purple dragon with long white hair and green eyes.

"Holy shit," Tumor commented, "It's like a fucking chameleon."

Twilight scanned the dragon with her eyes, this one didn't look like most and judging from the thinness of its body as a whole she could only guess that it was female. Her resent studies on dragons didn't go much further than that sadly, so she didn't know much else about how they worked. It didn't seem to matter anyway as her thoughts were suddenly interrupted the shouting of two humans who appeared to be charging the dragon.

Tumor charged down, smashing his skull into the dragon's with a large amount of force. Following up was Jack who launched himself high into the air and covered his fist in fire as he fell and punched the dragon's neck. It roared in pain and spun around, smacking Tumor out of the sky with it's claw and using its tail to smash Jack into the ground. Twilight felt her heart sink and gulped as the dragon faced her with fire in its eyes and quite literally building in its breath. With a deep inhale the dragon unleashed a large wave of fire at Twilight. Twilight was ready to pull up another shield but was appalled to see that the flames were being blocked for her by a wall of red energy. She looked up and saw Tumor dangling from a tree branch by his leg with one arm held out.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" He shouted at her. "Move your ass; Go!"

Twilight nodded and flew away from the battle, taking refuge behind a large boulder not too far away from the fight. The dragon ceased its attack and focused its sights on Tumor. With a powerful flap of its wings its body was launched at him. Tumor quickly sent a pulse through his leg, making the branch holding him shatter. However, he didn't have enough time to escape and soon found himself in the dragons strong grip. The dragon held him tightly in its hands and squeezed with all her might, which strangely wasn't a lot. The dragon started to feel weak and dizzy upon picking him up. As the dragon held him Tumor started sapping the life out of it and using the energy from it to keep his body from exploding in its ridiculously strong claws. The dragon soon realized that he was the reason for this sudden drop in strength and threw him into the ground before stomping on him repeatedly. When there was nothing left but a crater where he was the dragon started looking around for the pony it had seen, but before it could get very far the sound of whistling came from behind it.

"Hey, sweetheart! Over here!" Jack shouted, quickly capturing the beast's attention. "I'm still breathing. So get you big scaly ass over here so I can fuck you up!"

The dragon took another deep breath and blew a steady stream of fire at Jack, however, he did the same in turn. The two blasts of fire collided, creating a large sphere made of flames in the center that seemed to grow in size the more they continued their assault. The dragon was holding its own and managed to keep it in place, but Jack wasn't having any of that. He summoned a great deal of strength from deep within him. Suddenly a large pair of bird wings made of fire appeared on his back. The wings themselves stretch almost a mile long and Jack's stream of fire seemed to become bigger and more concentrated, making the sphere in the center travel closer to the dragon. The beast fought against it as best as it could, but his fire was surely stronger. The sphere soon came into contact with the dragon and exploded, sending it's body flying dozens of feet away towards a large boulder. The overgrown lizard had landed hard and it didn't look like it would be getting back up soon.

Twilight stared at it in shock, it looked like it was merely inches from being dead and she could hear Jack's sick war cry as he started to sprint over and finish the job. Twilight stopped him though by encasing him in a magical bubble just as he had reached the defeated creature. "That's enough Jack! You don't need to fight it any more."

"Like hell I don't! We were sent here to take care of the dragon problem and that's exactly what I'm doing!" He fought, beating his fire covered fists into the magical prison he was being held in.

"We were sent to take care of the problem, not to kill a dragon who doesn't know any better!"

"Excuse me..." They both froze as the strangely feminine voice seemed to come from straight out of nowhere. hat is, until they looked back at the dragon who was pulling itself off of the ground. "I didn't know that I was bothering anyone...I was just trying to make some friends..."

Jack stared at the dragon with a slack jaw. "You have got to be fucking kidding me..."

After almost an hour of talking, and taking a few moments to dig Tumor out of the dirt, the three started to get to know this dragon a bit more. Apparently she wasn't here to cause problems, she was just looking to get away from the greedy dragon culture and make some pony friends. "Ponies live so peacefully and they can be so kind to each other, but that's just not how dragons are. So I ran away in search of something more, something better."

"So..." Tumor started. "You left the ones you grew up with, that you have history with, that you have family with...in order to pursue a dream that likely won't come true due to the fact that you are too different from the ones that you want to be with." he said, mostly pointing out the flaws of her plan than just reciting them.

The dragon frowned a bit, but still managed to keep herself somewhat upbeat. "Yeah, I guess so."

Jack and Tumor looked at each other then back at her before shouting in unison. "Welcome to the fucking family!"

The dragon flinched a bit, not expecting that kind of reaction. Her attention was drawn away from them though and brought to the purple alicorn waving for her attention. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but there is still the issue that needs to be addressed here."

"Oh, right! Don't worry. I'll leave here and find a place-" She paused for a moment and her face sunk. "Away from society..."

The group went silent, they weren't sure how to react to this, but Jack seemed to have an idea as he got up and walked over to the dragon. "Follow me for a second." He said, walking away from everyone. The dragon looked to the group then back at him before following.

Tumor and Twilight sat alone as the other departed.

"What do you think their talking about?" Twilight asked.

"Hell if I know." He replied. "As far as I know he's probably asking that thing to suck his dick."

"Tumor, that's gross!"

"I know his dick's gross! I feel bad for the dragon."

Twilight was about to yell at him again but started giggling to herself very softly. "Wow, you two are so much alike it's almost disturbing."

"Yeah, but you already know that song and dance. I'm sure Carrot Top or Derpy already told you our differences."

"Mhm, I've done my best to be careful around him because of that. I know that if I make the wrong move he'll kill me." She explained.

"Yep."

"...then why has he saved me so many times?" She asked curiously.

"To cover his own ass. If you died with him around he knows everyone will blame him and he'll have to go on the run." The way he said that almost made it seem like he was saying a verse in a play.

"...That sounded routine..."

"It is. You'd be surprised with how many people have asked me that question after getting to know him." He stopped focusing on Twilight and turned his attention back to Jack and the dragon who were standing still just talking in the distance. He suddenly gasped as he saw the dragon blush and kiss Jack's cheek before flying away. "Holy shit..."

Twilight was stunned as well. "Did she just..."

"...Yep..."

Jack walked back over to the group, staring at them in confusion. "Okay, whatever it is you're doing, stop. I don't like this." They didn't seem to change their expression which only angered him further. "Seriously, I'm about to set you both ablaze, knock it the fuck off!"

"Dude!" Tumor yelled, "A dragon just fucking kissed you! Don't you find that weird?"

"Asks the guy who's fucked probably half of the towns horse population."

"...go to hell..."

"That's what I thought, bitch"

Author's Note

Been a while since we've had any actual fucking action.
Also, here's an old sketch I made of the dragon.

The prodigal bastard

Twilight, Tumor, and Jack were all sitting together in Sugar Cube Corner. After 'convincing' the dragon to leave Manehattan alone the two conduits were known as heroes all throughout the land. For the past couple of days the three would meet up at the same bakery with Pinkie Pie reserving the same table just for them. Despite their obnoxious behavior, and disgusting language that would make Rarity faint every five seconds, they were starting to grow on her. Kind of like a- 'Oh my Celestia, they are like tumors' Twilight thought to herself, finally having full understanding of Tumor's nickname. When she finally started paying attention again she tuned in to hear Jack telling a story about his relationship with the dragon that was terrorizing Manehattan.

"So there we were, just sitting there peacefully, next thing I know I feel something weird slithering around under my belt line." He said, motioning with his fingers how the thing was moving and sliding into his pants. "When I looked down I saw that it was her tongue! Her ridiculously long ass fucking tongue. It slipped straight under my shorts and wrapped completely around my-"

"Jack, please stop." Twilight interrupted, really not looking forward to hearing how the rest of the story went. Jack paused at her request. "Thank you."

"...mah dick!" He shouted loud enough for the whole bakery to hear. earning him both angry glares and immature giggle-fits. Twilight groaned in an annoyed manner. "What was even better though was when she used that fire breath of hers while she was down there."

"Oh my Celstia!" Twilight yelled, about ready to flip the table on top of him.

The two brothers laughed as twilight had herself a small spazz-attack. Tumor moved aver next to Twilight and threw his arm over her. "Calm down sweetheart, if you keep screaming that much ponies are gonna think we're fucking."

Jack couldn't contain himself anymore, he laughed so hard he collapsed onto the floor and started rolling. "Help! I can't fucking breath!" He said between breaths.

As Jack rolled onto his stomach Twilight noticed a strange black mark on the back of his neck. "Jack, what's that?"

Jack took a moment to recollect himself before dragging himself back to the table and answering her. "What's what?"

"That mark." She stated, "The one on the back of your neck."

He looked at her with a confused expression before realization struck him. "Oh, that's our symbol! It's a roman numeral three. We all have it."

Tumor leaned down and moved his hair to the side to show her the one on his neck as well. "We got them as a symbol of our team."

Twilight nodded, understanding what it was, but one question still remained. "Well why is it a three? I mean, there's only two of you."

"Correction," Jack started, "There are two of us now. We don't know where the third one went."

"Who was the third one?" She asked curiously. Jack was about to reply, but stopped. Twilight could see a burning in his eyes; their was something inside of him, something angry. Rather than replying he pounded his fist on the table before rising up and exiting the bakery. Twilight stared at the door worriedly, "Is he okay?"

"He's fine." Tumor replied, "He just needs a minute."

She nodded, accepting that Jack just needed to be alone. "What set him off like that? Is it my fault?"

"Yes and no." Tumor answered, "He and Demon used to be very close."

"Demon?" She questioned, "That doesn't sound like a very welcoming name."

"He wasn't a very welcoming person. He was a complete sociopath with a fucked up sense of humor." He could tell Twilight was gonna say some smart ass comment so he stopped her before she could even open her mouth, "And by fucked up I mean gruesome. Yes, Jack and I joke about some weird shit, but Demon was on a completely different level."

"So this Demon was someone you met?" She asked, curious about their background.

"No, we grew up with him, he was our third."

"Care to elaborate?"

"He was the last twin." He said plainly.

Twilight felt her brain pulse the second the word twin came out of his mouth. "Waitwaitwaitwaitwait! You have another twin!?"

"Yeah, we were triplets. That's what the three stands for. We were three brothers out trying to save the world." He explained.

"How come you'v never mentioned him before?"

[How come you never brought up your older brother until the end of season two?]

"What was that?" Twilight asked.

"Wait a second, you have an older brother?" He asked in a demanding tone, "You're judging me for not bringing up my fucking family tree when you're doing the same damn thing!? How do I know you're not related to one the ponies in here? How do I know if you even had a dad?"

Twilight's face was one of fear until Tumor started asking weird questions, then it instantly went to that of confusion. "What?"

"Who stuck their dick in your mother!?" He shouted, pulling all eyes in the bakery onto both him and the now cherry red Twilight.

After taking a few moments for things to settle, and finally leaving the bakery, Tumor and Twilight were able to speak like civilized adults. She talked about her family including her brother and her old foal-sitter Cadance so he wouldn't be able to attack her with more defenses on family information. "So, why is it you've never brought up your other brother before?" She finally asked.

Tumor reached up and scratched his head as he thought back. "Well, we kind of fell apart as unit."

"What do you mean? What happened?"

"Back before the blast we were all so close. Not a day went by that we weren't together; we were fucking inseparable despite our differences. Jack was always The Big Guy, constantly looking for fights to pick and never failing to win every single one. I was more of the free spirited one, doing what I wanted when I wanted, fucking with people constantly just for a laugh. Then their was Sebastian; he was the kind of guy that didn't like to get involved with conflict, he was an introvert; always kept to himself."

Twilight watched him curiously and quickly noticed his sudden pause. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No, it's fine. Anyway, after the blast and discovering our powers we all agreed to form our own little team. We never could decide on a name for it, but the roman numeral three was our symbol from the beginning. After people got powers the bastards who thought they were stronger started beating up on the weaker conduits, so what we did was we went out to help them. We would fight off the ignorant fucks and get the weaker conduits to safety. Eventually people started calling us The Unknown because no one knew who we were. After a while Sebastian started to change. He got a lot more violent, he was constantly angry, and any empathy he had went out the fucking door. Then the war started. That's when Sebastian vanished; he wanted to help, but he refused to join any kind of army. We tried over and over to convince him to join us in helping the people, but he refused to, said that war only made things worse. After a while he just ran off without saying a word and we haven't seen him since."

Twilight had a single tear on her cheek, but quickly wiped it away. "Wow, I understand why Jack left the way he did."

"He's pissed. Our own flesh and blood abandoned us. It's been almost two years since we've so much as said his name."

"Do you know where he is? Where he went?"

"I heard rumors that he went somewhere up north, but he could be fucking dead for all I know."

Twilight froze in place and thought for a moment. "Would you like to find out for sure?"

"The fuck are you talking about?" He asked, thinking she was playing some bullshit ass joke on him.

"Think about it for a second." She pleaded, "If I managed to accidentally bring Jack here with your DNA, then maybe I'll be able to bring Sebastian too."

Before Tumor could react the area around them started to get brighter. He looked up and saw a large ball of fire plummeting to the ground. It landed with a loud crack as the earth beneath it shattered and the flames vanished. Jack walked out from the wreckage, grabbing Tumor by the collar of his shirt and Twilight by the horn and dragging them towards the castle. "Let's go, we're doing this right fucking now!" When he got to the castle he kicked open the doors and threw the two into the middle of the room. "Do it, do it now!"

Twilight immediately got up, not wanting to anger Jack further and got to work. She took a single hair from both of them and levitated them in front of her before casting the spell. Her horn started sparking wildly and her eyes shined brightly as a hole began to tear in the fabric of time and space right above them. The two hairs intertwined and shot into the tear and shortly after a large cloud of thick smoke seeped out of it, filling the room with a large grey cloud of gas that burned their lungs with every breath. The air was becoming thinner every second they stayed there and after less than a minute they had to run out of the castle.

Tumor was the first to catch his breath, "What the fuck happened?" he asked between gasps.

"I don't know." Twilight answered, "That didn't happen when Jack came through."

"You did it fucking wrong!" Jack yelled accusingly.

"I did it the same exact way that brought you here! I didn't do it wrong!" She argued.

"Maybe it's a sign..." Tumor interrupted. The two looked at him questioningly. "Maybe he didn't make it..." He said with a somewhat downcast look.

Jack walked up to him aggressively. "What the fuck are you getting at?"

Tumor decided that it would be best to be direct, Jack never liked it when people tried to sugar-coat information. "I think he's dead."

Jack's expression could almost be mistaken for sadness for once, but it faded away and was quickly replaced with rage. He walked away from the two and stopped when he was several feet from them. They could feel the heat around them intensifying as Jack's body suddenly went up in flames and a large set of wings made of fire stretching wider than Ponyville suddenly formed on his back. The flames were practically exploding out of his body as he let his anger out in the form of his powers "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" The fire coating his body slowly died down as he started running out of juice. Jack struggled to stay up, doing that had taken everything out of him, he had exhausted all of his power reserves and he fell to his knees. His body was completely drained, the smoke coming off of his body was proof enough of that.

Twilight stared at the spectacle before her from start to finish. Jack had unloaded an unimaginable amount of power. Tumor is supposed to be more powerful than Jack so she could only imagine what he was capable of if Jack could do something like that. "Oh my Celestia." She said as Jack's tantrum came to an end.

Tumor made his way over to his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. Despite the hateful expression on Jack's face, Tumor could still see the tears forming in his eyes, at least before they evaporated from the intense heat he was giving off. "Come on, get up." He pulled Jack to lift him but his body worked against him. "Jack, get your ass up!"

"Fuck you..." He quietly insulted.

Tumor sighed and walked away to leave Jack by his lonesome. He made his way back into the castle, the smoke seemed to have completely cleared. "come on, Twi. Let's leave him be for now."

Twilight looked to him then to Jack before nodding and walking inside with Tumor, "I'm so sorry about all of this."

"It's not your fault, Twilight." He reassured, taking a seat in one of the several thrones.

Twilight took a seat too and was about to say something before her words became caught in her throat. She watched as a cloud of smoke moved towards the table in front of them and started gathering itself. "What in the world?" Was all she could say as the thick gray gas began stacking itself together in the shape of a bipedal creature that Equestria had only seen two of.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Tumor commented as the smoke started dissipating and the body became more clear. In front of him stood an exact mirror image of himself. The only differences were it's clothing and it's eyes; it wore a thick black hooded jacket, a pair of baggy black pants, and no shoes or socks. It's eyes, unlike Tumors blue ones, were completely white minus his grey pupils. Tumor and twilight both stared in awe at the person standing before them. "Sebastian?"

The mystery human looked down and spoke, his voice sounding as if two people were speaking at once. One sounding identical to Tumor and Jack, while the other was much deeper. "What's wrong Dale? You look like you've seen a ghost..."

Author's Note

It's also been a while since we've had a more serious chapter

Reunited and I don't know how to feel about it

"And just what did you think gave you the right to just up and fucking disappear!?" Jack shouted to Sebastian. This has been going on for several minutes. The second Jack entered the castle and saw the brother who had run off on him he unleashed verbal hell upon him. Twilight was very surprised that Sebastian didn't retort, he hardly even moved. The whole time Jack stood their screaming at him all he did was sit still and quietly observe. "You're lucky I don't put your ass in flames and watch you burn like a bitch!"

Sebastian waited several second before finally speaking. "Are you done?"

"Don't start being a smart ass with me, fucker! I'll-"

"You'll stop talking or I will vanish once more and this time I can promise you that you will never see me again." Sebastian's word echoed through Jack's mind and he finally stopped. He was mad, there was no doubt, but in all honesty he really did miss his brother and would hate to lose him again. "Good, now before we go about pointing out the mistakes I have made why don't we remember that none of us are innocent."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Tumor asked curiously.

Sebastian's head slowly turned to face Tumor, the way his dead-looking eyes stared at him sent shivers down his spine. "You know exactly what I mean, Leech." Tumor's eyes widened slightly at the mention of his old nickname. "That's right, I was gone, but I did not forget a thing."

"Tumor," Twilight started, "What is he talking about?"

"It's nothing, Twilight." Tumor answered.

"So the lives of innocent conduits means nothing now. And here I thought our team was supposed to honor and protect those who could not fight on their own." Sebastian continued. "Of course you didn't tell the small horse though. I bet this whole time you've kept your disgusting past buried and paraded around here pretending to be one of the good guys. Just playing hero, like you used to."

"Sebastian," Jack said as he walk towards his brother with clenched fists. "Shut your fucking mouth!" He swung a punch, but his fist went through Sebastian's body as if it were made of air. He swung again, same results. Then once more, this time his fist getting caught by his brother.

Sebastian held his brother's fist in his hand, tightening his grip until the sound of cracking bones echoes through the castle. "And let you continue to lie to them, to everyone, about who you really are? Let you keep pretending like nothing ever happened?" Sebastian was forced to release his brother's hand as a wave of red energy struck him and caused him to stumble backwards. Jacked grabbed his damaged hand and held it in his good hand. Sebastian looked to Tumor with nothing but hate in his eyes, "You both make me sick. We were supposed to help those conduits. It was our job, it was a job we made for ourselves. We were supposed to protect them; and what did you do?" His focus became entirely locked onto Tumor. "Suck the life out of them when they weren't looking." He stated before turning his head to face Jack. "Burning down their homes and camps while they still resided within them."

"That was the past." Tumor declared, "It's all over with now. This is a new world, a clean slate. We can start over, rewrite our mistakes. We can be heroes here."

Sebastian shot Tumor a dirty look. "Their history may not know what you are, but my memories will carry your sins until the end of time. You can run from it all you want, but there's no denying what you've done." He leaned close to Tumor, squinting his eyes at him as if he were trying to look through him. "Could you honestly say, without a heavy heart, that you are an innocent man?"

Twilight was starting to get fed up, someone here was lying and she was about to find out who. "Alright, I've had enough! Will someone please explain to me what he is talking about!?"

"Yeah, Dale." Sebastian began, "How about I tell her about all of the lives you've taken, about how you swore to innocent people that you were going to protect them then stabbed them in the back!" He got louder as he spoke these words, his anger being put on display. "Better yet, why don't you tell her? Do the honest thing for once in your life and admit to your deception." He waited for a response, but got nothing. "Tell her the truth, tell her what kind of monster you really are!"

Tumor growled at his brother, becoming annoyed with being outed by him on a past life he didn't want any further part of. "I'm starting to get real tired of your loud fucking mouth." He walked over to Sebastian and got in his face. "Look, you're here with us now whether you like it or not. So how about we at least pretend that we're happy what's left of our family is back together and drop everything that happened before. I realize we did some fucked up shit back in our world, but that was then and this is now. And right now we are together again and we can right the wrongs we've done." As Tumor spoke water could be seen slowly filling his eyes before he forced a hug onto Sebastian who stood as still as a statue. Jack remained where he was, popping the bones in his hand back into place before being pulled into the hug by an unseen force. "if either of you try to leave this unit again I will fucking end you." Tumor held both of his brothers in his arms, part of him happy that they were together again, part of him terrified by what this could start. "Twilight?"

Twilight had just been watching the events unfold in front of her, unsure of what exactly was going to happen and how to feel about what was happening. Honestly, she was more confused about all of this, especially when the hugging began. She snaped herself out of her own confusion though, just in time to hear Tumor call her name. "Yes?"

"I think now would be a good time to call Pinkie and tell her she can finally throw that party." As the words left his lips Tumor could feel a strange sensation in his body. Something telling him that something was going to happen, but he did not feel threatened by it.
[I feel a disturbance in the fourth wall...I DON'T LIKE THIS!!!]

"Fear not; for I, Pinkie Pie, am here." Pinkie said before the sound of her party cannons going off echoed through the castle and made everyone in the room jump. Soon after the pink mare was floating down thanks to the help of a few balloons tied around her body while holding and stroking a cat. "So, you're saying you're finally ready for the best party of your life?" She said, sounding like what someone would stereotype The Don sounding like.

"I guess so." He replied with a smile, not taking his arms off of his brothers.

"Then let it begin." She slowly floated back up toward the ceiling before simply vanishing completely. "And writer, stop being so serious, this is supposed to be a comedy."

[Eat a dick, it's my story]

"It won't be for long if you continue with that potty mouth of yours."

[Fuck you, get out of my fourth wall!]

They had received the invitation for the party within minutes and were off to Sugar Cube Corner where they were met with bright smiles and cheering. Also a whole lot of cake and punch. Tumor was flirting with mares left and right, he practically had them eating out of the palm of his hand. Even got one mare to actually eat something out of his hand. Jack was off talking to the dragon they fought, apparently Ponyville was treating her pretty well minus a few torches and pitchforks. Then their was Sebastian who was sitting all alone at a table away from everyone else.

Carrot Top noticed the lonely human, the situation as it was had been explained to her by Twilight early on into the party. She walked over to his side and smiled warmly. "Hi there." She said, earning no reply, or any type of movement. "I'm Carrot Top, you're brother Tumor lives with me." Still nothing. "So what's up with you?"

Sebastian turned his head to face her before finally speaking. "I have the nagging urge to pull your lungs out through your chest." He watched as his brother's caretakers eyes widened as she started backing away. And, for the first time in a while, he actually managed to grin.

Carrot Top made her way over to Tumor, which required pushing her way through a lot of mares. "Tumor, can we talk?

He turned his attention to his loving friend and nodded before gesturing for everypony else to back off. "What's up, swettheart?"

"Is your brother okay?"

"Jack? Yeah, he's fine. He's actually out back right now fucking the scales off of that dragon. I think her name is Mist...I don't know" He replied.

"No," She said with a look of disgust, "not him. I mean Sebastian." She pointed a hoof to the human sitting quietly all by his lonesome.

"Yeah, he's always kind of been like that." Tumor explained, "He's a bit of an introvert, doesn't like to socialize a lot and hates it when you you try to make him."

Carrot Top looked at him with a blank expression. "That actually explains a few things."

Sebastian continued sitting by himself for several minutes and was about ready to leave until he was approached by that weird pink horse, but this time she had a friend.

"Hi Sebastian!" Pinkie started, "You seemed lonely so I brought over my sister, Maud. I feel like you two will get along great since you seem so much alike. Anyway I'll let you two hangout for a bit. I need to go unclog the toilet, it's super full of rubber ducks." She zipped off, leaving Sebastian confused and with an expressionless grey earth pony he had never seen before.

"Hello." Maud said in an absolutely emotionless tone.

"Hi." Sebastian replied in the same kind of tone, despite his voice's demonic echo.

"I'm Maud." She introduced herself.

"I'm Sebastian." He replied in turn.

"Your voice sounds magical." She commented.

He was surprised to hear her compliment him in any way, but kept his usual non-phased appearance. "I really like your...mane?"

"Thank you. I work really hard on it." She said, accepting the compliment. "Do you like rocks?"

"I feel they are extremely underrated. They are one of the most important resources we have and serve many purposes that make them both necessary and beneficial."

Maud stared at him in silence for a moment. "I like you."

Just another day (2)

Author's Note

Before I fucking forget again, the purple dragon's name is actually Mist

Just another day (2)

Carrot Top didn't mind that Tumor's brothers were here. It would keep him out of the house which gave her some time to sit about and enjoy herself and be able to clean things up without worrying if he was going to blow up the house. However, it did have it's downfalls; She would sometimes get bored or if their was a job that required more than what she had she would be out of luck. Just moments ago she was attempting to take apart her kitchen sink to see what it wasn't draining properly, but she just couldn't seem to get it apart and she didn't have the bits to pay somepony else to fix it. So she set out to find her human friend so she could possibly get a hand in doing so. She figured he'd be over at Twilight's, that's where they usually were seeing how it was harder to break crystals than it was wood.

When she made it to the castle she knocked on the door and called out, "Hello! Anypony home?" After several seconds of no reply she pushed the castle door and it slowly creaked open. "Hello?" She entered the castle wearily, not knowing what she would find residing within. After a bit of wandering she found herself in a large dark room light up only by candles with a crystal table in the center. The table had a red cloth over it and was decorated with flowers, pastries, and steaming hot kettles. Seated at this table were three humans, each dressed up to fit with the decor. Tumor wore a plain suit consisting of black dress pants, a red button up shirt, a black vest, and topped it off with a black overcoat and tie. Jack was dressed almost the same but his shirt was white and the top few buttons were open, he didn't wear a tie or overcoat, and the sleeves on his shirt were rolled up to his elbows. Sebastian just wore a pair of black dress pants and a black button up in a similar manner as Jack but with his sleeves unrolled. For every human their was one female; By Tumor's side was Twilight wearing the same dress she had worn to the gala, beside jack was a purple dragon with a green bow on her neck, and with Sebastian was Maud who wore what looked like a blueish-gray blanket sheet. "What did I just walk into?" She asked herself.

Apparently she spoke too loud because Tumor's head spun around and looked directly at her. "We are having a god damn tea party!" He shouted at Carrot Top, making her jump slightly.

"This is so fucking gay!" Jack yelled shortly after Tumor.

"Hey, I think it's lovely." The dragon stated.

"Of course you do." Jack said in response.

Carrot Top looked over at Sebastian, half expecting him to blurt out something as well, however he remained quiet. At least until he noticed her gaze. "I enjoy most formal occasions, even with incompetent fools like my brothers."

"I concur, although I would find it much more satisfying if we had more well-mannered ponies." Maud said in her usual emotionless tone

She didn't really mind Maud, but Carrot Top flinched when Sebastian spoke. She would never get used to that voice of his; it's no wonder they call him a demon. "We'll, I was actually wanting to borrow Tumor for just a moment if that's okay."

"No, no it's not." Tumor said.

Twilight punched Tumor in the arm and shot him a glare as he winced. "Yes, it's perfectly fine. He can help you."

Tumor glared back at her before standing up and walking out of the castle with Carrot Top following behind him. "So what do you want?"

"I need help fixing the sink."

"...Really!? That's it! I'm in there trying to be a classy motherfucker and you stroll in because you're too impatient to wait for me to come home to fix your cum filled sink!"

"My WHAT filled sink!?"

Tumor froze before jumping high into the air, "Sink will be fixed before you get home!" He then flew off, shooting a large pulse of energy behind him so he could get to the house as fast as possible.

Carrot Top rolled her eyes. "What am I going to do with him?" She asked herself, walking back to her house with hopes that her sink would actually be taken care of by the time she got there. However, when she got there she saw Tumor climbing out from under the sink with a bucket full of...she had no idea what it was, but it was white, red, and gooey looking. "What the hay is that?"

"A little bit of me and..." He took a closer look at the gooey substance and gave it a quick sniff. "Grape fruit?"

Carrot Top stared at him disgust. "That's gross." She said as a shiver ran down her spine. "I can't believe I actually have feelings for you."

"Excuse me bitch?" He said, cocking an eyebrow at her.

Carrot Top froze as she realized what she had just said. "Nothing! Just...finish fixing the sink."

"It's already done." He tossed the bucket to the side and it landed with a thud, surprisingly not tipping over. "Now tell me what you just said.

"I didn't say anything." She denied, clearly lying through her teeth.

Tumor walked over to her, grabbing her by the jaw and forcing her to face him. "Tell me..."

"I did not say anything!" She yelled, "Now let me go you ass!"

He stared her down for a moment before finally releasing her and walking towards the door. "You know what, you can deny it all you want, and you can be as mad at me as the world can allow, but you know what you can't do?" He asked in the most serious tone she had ever heard him speak in.

Curiously she asked, "What would that be?"

To which he smiled and replied loudly with, "You can't UN SUCK THIS DICK!!!" With that he was out the door and in the air, likely flying back to Twilight's to continue what ever that monstrosity was.

Carrot Top growled angrily for a moment before a few quiet giggles escaped her throat. "Oh my Celestia, why is this kind of thing becoming more enjoyable?" She asked herself.

As Tumor flew back to Twilight's castle he thought about what Carrot Top had said before laughing like a maniac. He was more than pleased with his argument. She would never win anything against him no matter how hard she tried. He did enjoy that she tried though, it kept their friendship from getting too boring.

Tumor didn't bother knocking when he arrived, he simply pushed pass the doors and held his arms out as if expecting to be hugged. "I'm back baby!" When all eyes became focused on him he made sure to flip everyone off, he's overly excited mood making him feel untouchable.

Jack responded by following his example. "Fuck you too, bitch." Mist put a claw on Jack shoulder and nuzzled his cheek. It didn't help calm him down, but he would also never admit that he was enjoying the affection.

Sebastian and Maud rolled their eyes at him and continued the conversation they were having prior to his arrival.

Twilight waited for Tumor to reach them and sit down before pouring him a cup of tea. "So *hic* how did it go?"

Tumor stared at her in silence for a brief second. Twilight seemed a bit wobbly and her eyes weren't lidded symmetrically. He was about to ask if she was drunk but stopped himself and looked over at Jack who had a bottle of Serpent's Bite, an apple cider flavored whisky, sticking out of the pocket on his vest. "You bastard..." He said to his brother.

"What? You pissed cause I got the little pony princess drunk?"

"No, I'm pissed cause you've been holding out on me. Pour me a fucking shot you bitch!" Tumor used his powers to throw everything on the table onto the floor, only levitating about twelve small tea glasses they could substitute for shot glasses. "Let's go you fucking whore," He slammed the glasses on the table, "pour it!"

Jack smiled and let out a loud laugh as he pulled out the bottle and filled the glasses to their very tops. He slid six over to Tumor, knowing Sebastian didn't drink, and kept six to himself. "On ten, okay."

"Jack," Mist started, "I don't think that-" She was silenced as Jack shoved the neck of the bottle in her mouth and tilted her head back, not taking his eyes off of Tumor.

When he was done with her he began the count down. "One..." The two started cracking random parts of their bodies, "Two..." They both grabbed an individual glass, "Ten!"

Sebastian and Maud watched them suck down the liquor like savages. "Disgusting..."

"Tell me about it." Maud said in turn.

"I wonder if they will always behave this way or if one day wisdom will hit them like a like an Ox, cracking their skulls and mashing their brains into a puddle fit for maggots to bathe."

"For their sake, I hope it's the latter." She commented, "They may not be the brightest creatures around, but I don't believe that they should be punished for behavior like this. It's all part of the learning experience of life."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, but it isn't exactly an excuse to act like animals either."

"That is very true as well." Maud looked back at Jack and Tumor, an idea hatching in her igneous-like skull. She turned to face Sebastian. "If they're going to act like fools, then perhaps we can act slightly less than what we are."

He thought about if, but didn't know whether or not to agree. "That would depend on what you're refering to. Would you mind clarifying?"

"If they can get away with acting like over-grown children ever day of their lives, then maybe just for a night you and I may act like a new age couple."

"All the new aged couples do is mount each other, practically on an hourly basis." He explained, making sure she knew exactly what she was trying to get herself into.

"I understand that," She said with a nod, "however, I am not suggesting we leap straight into coitus. I think that a fair amount of four-play would be acceptable and we can see if it will escalate beyond that at a later point."

"I guess I don't see much of a problem with that." He replied, "Though I must warn you, I am inexperienced."

"I can show you how everything works if you are willing to learn."

Sebastian looked back at his brothers who were already wrestling on the floor while Twilight and Mist were making out on the table. "I guess I would prefer that over this mess." He rose from his seat and took one of Maud's hooves. "Let's be on our way then."

Fairest maiden, Applejack

All in the small group were resting peacefully around the wrecked castle room. Twilight on the table with Mist coiled around her, Tumor laying across several stacked chairs, and Jack on the floor leaning against a pillar whilst wearing a fake mustache. As they all laid about Jack started to sniffle lightly, then it started getting louder until finally he sneezed hard enough to shoot a large fireball across the the room. It hit the wall with a loud boom and shook the castle, causing all who resided within to wake up, groaning unhappily.

Tumor held a hand to his head as he pulled himself up, going against his brain's command to stay down. "Holy god, this is worse than that party back in Mexico; Remember that?" Tumor continued his story as Jack nodded in agreement, "I woke up in the middle of the streets in Las Vegas holding onto a bathtub full of mayonnaise." Jack started laughing to himself, remembering just how stupid his brother had looked at the time.

Twilight got up and started rubbing the sleep from her eyes before locking onto the dragon who she was nuzzled in. At first she was just confused, then the memories of the night before started flooding back. "Oh my Celestia." She said, putting a hoof to her mouth and running off to another room, he face turning beat red before she left.

Mist blinked a few times and shook her head, "What's her problem?"

"I don't know." Tumor said with a shrug, "Foreigners."

Jack made his way to the table as Mist tilted her head at Tumor, not understanding what he meant. "Hey," Jack started, "that's racist, dick. Or at the very least it's specist."

"I don't care, this headache is eating at every fucking brain cell I have." Tumor said miserably.

"Yep, all three of them." Jack insulted.

"Fuck you!"

"Hey, you know what the best cure for a hangover is?"

"What?"

"Keep drinking."

"...That is the best idea I have ever fucking heard."

Sebastian rose from the bed, the explosion having woke him up but not doing much else. He got to his feet and stretched his limbs before realizing that he was completely naked. Having noticed that now he looked around and managed to find his cloths folded and set onto a chair. After getting dressed he walked over to Maud who laid peacefully in the bed, but was not asleep. "Morning, Maud." He said plainly.

Maud turned her head to face her lover. "Good morning, Sebastian. Did you sleep well?"

"As well as I ever possibly could, I guess." He replied.

"I had a lot of fun last night." She commented, "Did you enjoy yourself as well?"

"I admit, I thought everything about it would have been inadequate, but you managed to prove otherwise."

Maud nodded, "I'm glad I could show you such a good time."

Before they could continue their conversation they were interpreted by the echos of what sounded like screaming. "It would seem as though the undesirable have awoken."

"Should we investigate the purpose of their yelling?"

"I think I'd prefer remaining in here, with you." He said, climbing back onto the bed and straddling her.

A blush appeared on Maud's emotionless face. "I believe I am in the condition for another few rounds."

"Tumor stumbled over to the castle doors, pushing against them in an attempt to get them open. "I need to go to her man, I need to find her." He said, his voice being a dead giveaway that he was already fairly intoxicated.

Jack stumbled over to his brother. "Dude, due, dude...I think it's a pull door."

"What the fuck is a pole door?"

"No, you retard, a PULL door." Jack grabbed the nob to demonstrate, "Watch, you gotta pull it." He leaned back, the door openeing as he did so, before falling onto the ground. "See, bitch. Pull door."

Tumor made his way out of the castle, Jack pulling himself off of the floor so he could join his brother on his quest. After a bit of wandering they found themselves on the edge of Sweet Apple Acres. When Tumor couldn't find who he was looking for he started after the first pony he could find, a big red stallion with an orange mane and a green apple cutie mark.

Big Macintosh was out enjoying the fresh air and getting ready to do his chores, but felt as though something was off. He started to look around until he saw two humans wobbling their way over to him. It took him a second to recognize him, but Big Mac soon remembered the drinking game that happened a while back. H wasn't happy with the way that he was all over his sister, so his presence here didn't make him happy. However, since he figured that this human liked to insult others for a laugh that maybe he could give him a taste of his own medicine. "Well howdy, Tumor. Aint seen you here since you was dragged off by that yellow mare. Thought she woulda' clipped ya fer sure." He said with a chuckle.

Tumor gave Mac a dirty look before sticking his hand in the stallions face with his middle finger raised up high. "Fuck you! Where is Applejack?"

Big Mac growled, "Y'all best keep yer filthy claws off of me and mah sister!" He yelled, smacking Tumor's hand away.

Jack pushed his way pass Tumor and got in Big Macs face, "Yo, did you just hit my brother?"

"Yes, I-"

"That's my fucking brother!" Jack yelled, cutting him off.

"What you doin' hittin me, bitch!?" Tumor yelled, also getting in Big Macs face, "What!? Do you wanna fight me, punk!?"

"Yo, back the fuck up!" Jack yelled to his brother before walking to the side.

"What you want me backing up from this chump for?" His eyes widened as he saw why Jack wanted him to move and took a few steps back.

Big Mac didn't even have a second to prepare for it, he turned around just in time to see a metal baseball bat flying into his head. He was knocked out the second the aluminum sport stick came into contact with his skull and he collapsed. Jack threw his arms down and flexed as he let out a victorious battle-cry. His yelling was pretty loud, apparently being loud enough to draw the attention of a certain orange farm pony.

Applejack, having heard all of the commotion, walked out from the barn to investigate. "Big Mac!" She called out, "Did ya hear that?" She looked around and saw the two humans standing over her brother's unconscious body, one of which was still holding a bat. "What in the hay!?"

"Juliet!" Tumor yelled before trying to walk over to her and falling face-first into the dirt.

Applejack watched Tumor walk over and fall, but then her eyes trailed up to Jack. "You mind tellin me why mah brother is knocked out at yer feet partner?" She asked with a stern look.

Jack stood in place, his body leaning randomly in different directions every so often before he looked at Applejack with a confused expression on his face. "You were talking to me?"

"Yes!" She yelled.

"Don't you fucking shout at me, whore! My brother came down here to win your heart and here you are judging us for defending your honor! Show some fucking respect, you little cunt!"

"How does knocking out Big Mac have anything to do with defending my honor!?"

"He was a little bitch! He brought shame to the Apple Family name!" He said, pointing the bat at her.

"Ah hope attackin mah brother was worth it, cause I'm gonna-"

"Can't hurt me if I'm asleep!" Jack gripped the bat tightly and smacked himself in the head with it. Applejack flinched as she watched this, the sound of metal meeting bone rang through her ears as he struck himself. Jack stumbled slightly, but wasn't knocked out, so he did it again; then he did it again, and again...and again. Still awake and still standing, Jack held the bat in his hands as small trickles of blood started to run down his forehead. As he fumbled around to keep the bat in his hands he could hear the faint sound of hoofsteps in the distance and when he looked over he could see a white unicorn holding a plastic bag in her mouth walking toward the farm. Jack looked at the bat and gave himself one more solid crack on the head with it and fell backwards, but not before tossing the bat into the air.

The bat landed next to Applejack who stared at it in disgust as Jack's blood ran down it. She was mortified by Jack's behavior and slightly confused as to why he threw his weapon so it would land beside her. She figured out just why he did it only seconds later though.

Rarity's blood-curdling scream could be heard for miles. She had come down to drop off an order Applejack had made to have her duds fixed up and when she arrived she saw both heroes of Ponyville laying unconscious in the dirt. One was face down so she couldn't see what was wrong with him, but the other laid face-up with blood going down his head and the bat sitting beside Applejack spoke many a story of what had transpired here just moments ago. "Applejack, how could you?"

Applejack tried to defend herself, but then Tumor suddenly sprang back to life. He didn't leave the ground, which made what he said sound so much worse. "Don't dare displease the fairest maiden of them all...Applejack." Tumor reached up and tried to grab at her, but his body finally shut down and he went limp as he passed out.

Rarity stared at Applejack in shock and awe. She had no idea her friend could do such a thing and to people who had a huge reputation around here. "How could you do this Applejack? Just look at them. They're nearly dead!" Rarity gasped and froze. "Oh no, I'm a witness. You're going to come for me next aren't you?" Applejack took a step forward as she tried to speech and assure Rarity that nothing had happen, but her friends over-reactive nature got the best of her and before she knew it the white unicorn was galloping madly down the trail away from Sweet Apple Acres, screaming all the while.

Applejack groaned loudly in annoyance before facehoofing and turning away from the farm's entrance. She walked over to Big Mac and gave him a few light shoves. When he started to come to she spoke to him with a comforting voice. "You okay there, brother?"

Big mac lifted his head slightly, but didn't get up. "Applejack? W-where are those two good-fer-nothin humans?"

"They got carried away and ended up hurtin themselves. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get y'all some ice and we'll get you into the house, okay?"

Big Mac nodded in approval, "Eeyup."

Both of their ears twitched as they heard footsteps fast approaching them. Big Mac was the first to look over and quickly shoved Applejack aside. Right after he did this Jack came into her sight, holding the baseball bat like a golf club and swinging it as such straight into Big Mac's head. Once again, Big Mac was out cold and Jack threw his arms down and flexed as he let out another victorious battle-cry.

Author's Note

Baseball bat scenes were inspired by this funny ass video https://www.facebook.com/LoganAPaul/videos/425077247690458/

Meeting the 'hero'

"The fuck do you mean I don't have a choice!?" Tumor yelled to the homeowner.

"I mean you don't have a choice." Carrot Top replied, gathering a few things into her saddlebag. "Since you are Ponyville's new hero and biggest celebrity they're going to want you to attend public functions."

"I don't give a fuck about their shitty ass pubic functions."

"Public functions!" She corrected.

"I know what I said."

Carrot Top rolled her eyes at the loud-mouthed human. "Look, all you have to do is stand still, smile, wave, and maybe do an autograph or two, okay?"

"Ffffffffuuuuuuuuck...Fuck, fine!" He said, giving in to the argument which made Carrot Top smile brightly. After a few more minutes of her getting ready and Tumor silently ranting about how stupid the whole thing was they were off to Town Hall. There was a number of things to do, games of all kinds, face painting stations, and at the very end a stand designed just for him. It was a lot like a kiosk, but it was colored with different shades of red as well as decorated with large pictures of him fighting off the Timberwolf and the Dragon from Manehattan. "How the fuck did they take these?"

"Come on," Carrot Top gestured for him to follow her as she opened a small wooden door on the side of the stand, "I'm sure some ponies here are eagerly waiting for you to open this up so they can meet you."

Tumor sighed in an annoyed manner. "Fine..." he said before finally entering the stand and taking a seat at the counter separating him from the rest of the world. He waited patiently for a whole two minutes and then the line seemed to come from out of nowhere, stretching for what could have been mistaken for miles. "Oh fuck me..."

The first to approach was a tall mare dressed in very flashy clothing that made Carrot Top's eyes widen with delight. "Oh my gosh, it's Sapphire Shores!"

"That's right baby, and I am here to meet this new hip celeb that seems to be saving the world everywhere he goes." She turned her head to face the confused looking human that was staring at her. "That must be you now, isn't it?" She held out a hoof to him as she introduced herself. "I am Sapphire Shores and I am here to personally thank you for saving Manehattan when you did. I was about to do a show there at the time and I was absolutely terrified when I heard that there was a dragon lurking about! So thank you, Mr. Warhorse."

Tumor held out his hand and shook her hoof, "So, you were doing a show? What is it exactly you do?"

All of the surrounding ponies gasped as they heard his question, it was almost like he had been caught masturbating in an orphanage with how offended these ponies looked. "Why, I am Equestria's number two best pop star around. However, now that Countess Coloratura has stepped out of the pop business, I am making my way up to number one, yeah baby!" She sang loud an proud.

While the ponies seemed mesmerized by her voice Tumor just looked up at her almost expressionless before putting on a smile for the first time today. "That was beautiful, I haven't heard notes like that since my mother was hit by a car."

"Tumor!" Carrot Top screamed, "I'm sorry Sapphire, it's nothing against you, he's just cranky about having to get up early to be here."

"She's right," Tumor started. "I'm sorry. I love you, I love your work; you're like Nikki Minaj, minus the everything."

Sapphire didn't know who he was referring to, but his tone had told her that it was another insult. She didn't bother dignifying Tumor with a respond and simply walked away.

After she had left Tumor sat back, smiling happily, until he felt a hoof smack him across the face. Carrot Top glared daggers into him, "What the hay was that about?"

"Hey, you wanted me to come here, so I came here, but as long as I'm here I am going to fucking enjoy myself." He leaned over the counter and looked over the large line of ponies. "Okay, which one of you fuckers is next?"

"It's truly an honor to meet you, sir." The large stallion stated as Tumor signed the photo he was given. "I've read every article about you in the papers and I've seen every photo."

Tumor handed him the signed photo, "Well, that's a bit creepy."

"I like to think of it as thorough research." He said in defense.

"It's good to know that I'm talking to the king of internet predators."

"I'm sorry?"

"Tell me this; If you're here, than who's at home disappointing your parents?"

The business pony stood their with his snob-like stature for over ten minutes talking about his company and how he ran it. "So what I'm getting at is that I would love to design some sort of costume for you. Something flashy and eye catching. It would be better than that garbage you're wearing now, I must say."

"Excuse me? Did you just say my outfit is garbage?" Tumor asked, being slightly irritated that his favorite looke was being compared to something uglier than this uptight ass-munch in front of him.

"Trust me, I can make something much more appealing than that for you." He said with a sly grin, "I am, after all, a connoisseur of fashion."

"Well, I consider myself a connoisseur of pretentious assholes and I find you fascinating!"

The stallion recoiled slightly, "Good heavens!"

A filly and a colt were standing on top of the counter to get as close as possible to Tumor, asking him all sorts of questions as their mother stood on the outside of the stand, giggling at her children's behavior.

"So, Mr. Warhorse," The colt started, "what's it like?"

"What's what like?" He asked, his mind being a bit fuzzy from the nonstop flow of compliments he was getting from them just seconds ago.

"Being the hero of Ponyville, of course." His sister clarified.

Tumor leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath, relaxing every muscle in his body. "Wow, The Hero of Ponyville." They all watched him in silence. "Just letting that sink in, you know? Rock bottom; I haven't been this low in my career since I was molested by my cousin."

"So, Mr. Warhorse, is their anything you would like to say to all of Equestria?" The newspaper pony asked

"Hmm...to all of Equestria?" He asked, being sure he had heard the mare correctly.

"Yes sir." She confirmed with a smile.

Tumor let out an audible belch and blew it into the mare's face, causing her to cough and gag on the foul smelling air. "Tell me what that smells like, then you can put that in your fucking papers." The mare turned around and walked away from the stand. "Paparazzi scumbag..." He looked out over the stand, not seeing a single pony in line. It was getting late, they probably went home. "All-fucking-right, we're done!" He jumped slightly as he heard a loud thump. Looking over he saw that Carrot Top had headbutt the counter, looking as if she were completely ashamed of even existing. "What the fuck's your problem?"

He head slowly lifted off of the counted and turned in his direction. "Seriously? Are you really asking that, after all of this?"

"I'm pretty fuckin sure that's what I justs did."

She facehoofed, "My problem is that we just met all of Ponyville today, not only that but we got to speak with the press and even a few celebrities, and throughout all of it you were acting like a complete asshole!"

"Hmm! I wonder why I was acting like a complete asshole." He mocked, "Maybe, it's because I am a complete asshole and I didn't want to fucking be here in the first place, you god damn retarded ass fucking horse! I mean, come the fuck on. What the hell made you think that I would just come out to some half-ass circus looking trash and not make it a bigger shit show than it already is?"

"I thought that maybe you grew up a little bit, but clearly I was wrong!"

Tumor could feel his anger getting the best of him and his skin was already starting to glow with his red energy. "Damn right you were fucking wrong and I hope it chews on your fucking soul every time you go to bed! Here's a bit of advice, next time you wanna try and feed off of someones else's fame and success, try picking someone who actually did it all for the fame! I didn't want fucking recognition! You've been telling me what to do since day one, bitch, and I'm fucking sick of it. So why don't you do us all a favor and GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!"

Carrot Top looked up at the man who she thought was her friend with tears in her eyes, slowly cascading down her face as she stared at him with fear and disgust. Since the arrival of his brothers, he seemed to fall back into the same spot he was in when he first arrived in Equestria and that scared her. Rather than replying to Tumor's insults she walked to the stand door, sniffling the whole way. As she opened the door she looked back at Tumor who was still glaring angrily at her, "Stay away from me, from my house, and from Depry." And with that she closed the door and walked away.

Tumor did nothing but watch as she left him alone in the empty stand. He was too angry to care much about her, how she was feeling, or what was going on through her head, but right now he needed a plan. She had literally just kicked him out of the only home he had here and would need a place to stay. After exiting the stand and finding zero traces of Carrot Top he took to the sky and flew toward the castle just on the edge of town.

Jack was sitting alone in the main room, attempting to read one of Twilight's many books. However, he found himself getting frustrated with reading and tossed the paper filled cardboard across the room. Having nothing else to do he pulled out a flask that matched Tumor's completely, minus the hatchet man sticker on the front of it, and took a quick swig which caused his face to contort slightly as the strong liquor swam down his body. After putting the cap back on his flask he heard a knock at the front door and looked at the clock. "Who the fuck comes down to the castle at ten o'clock in the fucking night?" He got up and opened the door, seeing his rather upset looking brother on the other side.

"Hey Jack..."

"Uh, hi? The fuck are you doing here?"

"Carrot Top kicked me out."

"What the fuck is that bitches problem?"

"I'll explain later. Can you just get Twilight so I can see if it's cool that I stay here for a bit."

"Fuck Twilight and fuck you. Now get your ass in here before I punch you in the fucking throat."

"Thanks bro..." Tumor edged his way into the castle with his head hanging low.

"Don't mention it, alright. I got you."

Flame war #ShotsFired

Jack wandered out of his room donning his usual attire; Baggy red cargo pants, a sleeveless black shirt, and a pair of running shoes. However, he decided to change up his look a little bit. After a quick trip to a couple of stores in Ponyville, he managed to find black and white face paint which he used to cover his face. He set down a white base over his features and used the black paint to add a hawk-like design over his eyes which a long spike that going from the top of the design over his eye brow and up to his forehead, he then repeated the process with his other eye. After that he put a simple black dot on his nose, and finally a smile that looked like it would belonged on the mouth of a scarecrow. He made his way out to the throne room, seeing that both his brother and Twilight were sitting there talking about god-knows-what. It was probably something nerdy, Tumor was a bit of a science freak when it came to certain topics. Hard to believe from a guy who claims to be christian. Jack took a seat in one of the chairs and put his feet up on the table. "Hello, ladies, what are we talking about?"

The two looked over at him and their eyes became wide, Twilight's out of confusion, Tumor's out of irritation. "Did you really have to paint your face?" Tumor asked in an annoyed tone.

"I don't see why it matters," Jack started, "I'm still better looking than your ugly ass."

"You realize that we're twins, right?' He asked, thinking that maybe Jack was just drunk or something.

"Yes...but I'm still prettier regardless."

"Why did you paint your face?" Twilight asked after letting out a light chuckle, being genuinely curious about his reasoning for this.

Before Jack could answer, Tumor stepped up to take his spotlight. "It's part of his stupid fucking clown religion."

"Excuse me, bitch?" Jack added, being slightly offended by his brother's rude remark. "Last time I checked it was my religion and it goes off of the same principles as yours, only slightly more complex. So why don't you watch your fucking mouth before I come over there and punch your god damn teeth in."

"Yes, because dying, going to a dark carnival in the sky, and being judged by demonic-looking clowns is more believable than simply being judged by God and going to heaven or hell." Tumor threw in sarcastically, only further annoying the clown man on the other end of the table.

"Just what the fuck are you getting at, you blaspheming prick?" Jack just wanted this to end without a fight, he didn't want to have to repaint his face after beating Tumor's ass, too much hassle.

"You sir, are a fucking freak. You always have been, you always will be. Your so-called religious views are garbage and they're stupid." He stated, believing that he had won the argument.

Jack put his hands up as if to emphasize his next words, moving his hands as he spoke. "So hold on. Let me get this straight, okay? I like to wear face paint like a demented clown to represent a family built on loyalty and trust, okay. But, you fuck horse...and somehow, I am the weird one."

"Go fuck yourself, Jack."

"I mean, I never would have thought you'd do some weird shit like that. I mean, I've suspected you of being gay a few time, but to have sex with an animal..."

"I mean it, shut the fuck up!"

"I never would have thought someone in my bloodline would do something that disgusting. But hey, at least the horses can talk here and that just makes it so much better, doesn't it?" As he finished his insult Tumor jumped over the table at Jack, but he managed to catch Tumor and slam him into the ground. "You got a three ring dark carnival coming your way asshole, and I'm the motherfucking ring master!" Jack raised his fist to the air and brought it down only for it to barely touch his brother. Jack could feel his energy as well as the very life in his body being sucked out of him, he could feel himself dying by his brother hand, him and his bioleaching ability. Jack fell over and Tumor climbed on top of him still draining his energy.

Tumor was too blinded by his anger to stop attacking his brother, but finally stopped when he felt something solid slam into him. The force alone was enough to launch him across the room, but the brutal thickness of whatever hit him made his body feel as though it was met with a wrecking ball. Tumor managed to pull himself to his feet but not before being pinned to the wall by one of the throne chairs surrounded by a purple glow.

Twilight flew over to Tumor, holding him against the castle wall. She stood atop of the floating chair, glaring daggers at the energy conduit as she pressed a hoof to his chest. "Look here, jackass. I don't know what your problem is, but I will not tolerate you acting like a wild animal. If you don't like something than you can just leave the room. And, if you don't like Jack, your brother, your blood, the man who convinced me to let you stay here because your loud mouth got you kicked out of your other place, then you can fuck off and leave!" Twilight hopped off of the chair and let it fall to the floor releasing Tumor from his small prison.

He stared over at her, beyond shocked at how she dealt with this situation, but above all he was angry. He wanted nothing more than to finish what he started, but there was a part of him that was kicking him in the head. This wasn't supposed to act like this anymore, he was falling back into his old patterns and it scared him. Tumor walked out of the castle and took off into the sky.

Jack pulled himself up, despite being damn near dead he managed to hear what had happened. "Damn, girl...Never would have thought you'd have it in you to actually turn into a raging bitch." He chuckled weakly at his own remark before falling to his knees, still not being quite strong enough to function properly.

Twilight trotted over to jack and put a hoof to his chin, lifting his head so he would be able to look at her. "Are you okay?"

Jack noticed that the tone she was speaking in was a bit off, it sounded sad. After his vision started to clear he could see her eyes watering up. He couldn't understand why, but he figured he'd just drop it and answer the mare. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just need to get the fire rekindled is all."

"I can't believe he would do this to you, he was about to kill you..." Her tone seemed to only get worse as she spoke.

"Don't worry about it. The guy might be a bastard, but he wouldn't kill me."

"But he-"

"No buts. Just drop it, okay?" He waited in silence for a moment, but eventually Twilight nodded. "Try not to let it bother you, alright. The guys like the the fucking pope when it comes to religion, Tumor's got a much larger stick up his ass and no kids to molest."

Twilight chuckled. His remark was disgusting, but she was starting to get used to his weird sense of humor. She found herself staring into Jack's eyes, becoming mesmerized by the bright orange rings within them, but something in her head clicked and she came back to reality. "We should probably get you to bed."

"Yeah...sure..." He felt a little weird about how Twilight was staring at him, and what was worse was that he could feel himself staring back. He started to wonder if unicorns had some weird magic that plays with people's minds. Was this purple horse going to rape him using mind control? Never-the-less, Twilight helped Jack get to his feet, balancing him with the use of her own body. Once he was up they stumbled over into his room so that he could rest from the days stressful and draining events.

Sebastian floated effortlessly, practically pressed against the ceiling so he wouldn't be noticed with Maud held tightly in his arms, Tumor floating beside him with a grin on his face. Sebastian looked over at Tumor, Maud's gaze following. "Remind me again what the point of this was?"

"I would like to know as well." Maud commented, her curious thoughts being on par with Sebastian's.

Tumor looked over at the two, quietly shushing them. "Jack thinks that this will help bring Twilight out of her shell?"

Sebastian and Maud looked at each other, both giving each other blank stares, but somehow it seemed like they knew what the other was thinking. "We do not quite understand the logic behind this."

"Okay...uhhhh, fuck. Remember how back in our world whenever Jack looked at someone he could always tell if they were good or bad?" He asked.

"I remember," Sebastian replied, "It became a very useful skill in a majority of our missions."

"Well he's convinced that, despite Twilight seeming so innocent and shit, that their is a bad girl inside of her." He explained, using air quotes to emphasize the words 'bad girl'. "So he's trying to put her into positions where she has to stand up and basically become a bad-ass in order to draw that side out of her. He thinks that the more she uses it and the more he forces her into a fucking thrill-seekers paradise, the more she'll open up the to the rebellious side of her."

Sebastian and Maud looked at each other again before facing Tumor once more, this time Maud being the one to speak. "Your brothers past accomplishments are admirable, but I do not see how doing this will allow Twilight to open up to what he considers a more 'exciting' life."

Tumor shrugged. "I know it doesn't sound like it'll work, but give the fuckin' guy a break. He may worship a bunch of clowns in a floating ass carnival in the sky, but he's managed to pull of the impossible more than once." Tumor thought back to all of the times where they had been in a bind that even he couldn't get them out of. Jack would always be the first to rise up and take the challenge head-on and whenever they tried to stop him he would always look at them with a smile on his face and say 'Watch me make a fucking miracle happen.' Tumor sighed, he was happy. His family might be a bunch of homicidal freaks, but he figured that it was better than being alone. His thought were interrupted with a loud bang, like a door being slammed and he looked back down to see if he could find out what had happened. Sebastian and Maud doing the same in turn. Suddenly Jack and Twilight walked back to the table and Tumor could not help but facepalm.

Twilight looked fairly normal, her purple fur was bright and clean, her wings were well preened, and her horn still looking like it could kill a man if used properly. As many horns could. But, she had a slight change to her features in the last five minutes. When she walked out standing by Jack's side, the resemblance they held was slightly disturbing to Tumor. Twilight was now wearing a layer of white paint over her face, complete with a small black circle over her nostrils, a long smile, and a star over either of her eyes.

The three stared in silence as the two sat at the table, talking and laughing about god-knows-what. Maud lifted her head, looking at Sebastian then Tumor, then back at the two seated at the table. "That's hilarious." She said in her normal flat tone.

Author's Note

That's right, it was all a cruel ploy to fuck with her head. Deal with it, bitch!

[Q & A: Announcement]

Tumor?
Yeah?
Jack?
What?
Twilight?
Hello?
Good, you're all here. How you guys doing today?
Fine, I guess
Bored as all fucking hell.
I'm with Jack on this, not a whole lot is going on today.
Well you are the author. You could always try making something for us to do. You know that right, jackass?
Fuck you, bitch! You bastards are my creations and I, as well as probably a few others, wanna get to know all y'all a little better.
Did you really just say y'all? What's next, are you going to start mounting your cousins like everyone else in Missouri?
Don't make me kill you...
Um, sorry for intruding, but why do you want to get to know them better? If you made them then shouldn't that mean that you already know them?
That's kinda one of my little things...I don't really...I improvise a lot.
Well pardon me for saying this, but that's kind of stupid.
Yes, the talking unicorn who uses magic and tries to use science for everything is telling me that what I do for fun is stupid...You know just your existence in both body and mind is completely contradictory.
He has a point, Twilight.
What do you mean 'He has a point'? He has no point! Science and magic is-
Zip it, book-horse! This isn't about you and your universes bullshit logic. This is about the session and how it's going to help both the readers and I learn more about the characters and get more into their minds. You know, create characterization and shit for us all to follow.
...So just what the fuck are you here for exactly?
Look, you guys have become at least a little bit popular, okay. So I wanted to do a little project before we continue with the story.
You're gonna strip us down and tie us to a bed. Am I close?
Just remember, smart-ass. I can do that...then I can add a combination of whatever the fuck I want into the mix while also disabling your powers and making you completely at the mercy of whatever I decide to shove in there...
...I think I'm gonna shut my mouth now...
Good girl.
Fuck you, bitch!
Shut the fuck up!
The project, please?
Yes, thank you for staying on track Twilight. Anyway, I wanted to open up an ask session. The idea of this is that; In the comments below this section of the 'story' the readers can ask anyone in this story a question. Well, anyone who is relevant.
So I'm the number one, right?
Technically Tumor is, cause he was here first. I mean, I don't know. It all just goes on who the readers like more I guess, but if you ask me then Tumor wins by default.
...but I'm better
Eat a dick.
Getting off track again!
Right! So anyway, This one goes out to the readers. Feel free to ask questions in the comments below and in the next 'Chapter' you will get an answer. Just please specify who in the story you are wanting to talk to. You can even ask me questions.
Now who the fuck wants to ask the author questions? The characters are the cool ones, okay. The author is just the bitch that gets the story out.
If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't exist! Fuck, it's no wonder Carrot Top threw your ass out, you're a loud, obnoxious, pompous asshole that can't keep his damn mouth shut.
Hey, you made me this way...wait...
*Snicker*
You son of a bitch!
Am I aloud to be a part of this 'Questions and Answering' section?
Fuck, Sebastian! Don't do that! Jesus, I hate how you can just materialize like that.
I thought you gave me that power because you thought it would be useful?
I did and it will be eventually.
What do you mean 'eventually'? Why can't he just use them whenever?
Well, technically he can use it whenever he wants it's just-
You know, you're really leaving a lot to be desired here. First you come in talking about this Q and A bullshit and now you're basically hinting at an upcoming chapter by talking about Sebastian's eventual use of his powers.
I am five fucking second away from having your god-damn skin ripped off!
GUYS!!!
...
...
Okay, seeing how I am the only one actually trying to stay on topic anymore, I think I will take it from here.
Hey, fuck off! This is my-
Sit down...
...*Sits*...
Good boy. *Clears throat* Ladies and Gentlcolts, today is our official Q and A announcment day. We would like for everypony here to have a chance to speak to their favorite characters and if you are having trouble keeping up, the author can help clarify. So please, feel free to ask away. Just be sure that you ask these questions in the comments box below, and more importantly, please state the name of the character you wish to speak to. Thank you all for taking the time to listen to our announcement and we hope you have a wonderful day.
Thanks Twilight...
No problem.
Okay, say goodbye you inglorious pricks.
Goodbye everypony!
Later you bastards.
Adios, fuckers!
Fair-the-well, humans...
...Dammit Sebastian...Anyway, depending on how many questions we get will be what decides when I can get these assholes to answer them and have said answers posted. I hope you all enjoy what's been going on thus-far and will continue to enjoy as the story goes on.
You say that like we're going to be around for a while.
...
Wait, are we...
...
Fuck, I'm gonna be surrounded by ponies forever...Why the fuck couldn't you have at least made them anthro? I miss boobs!
Cause fuck you that's why.

[Questions Answered]

Alright asshats, line up!
Um...why?
Cause we've got questions to answer.
People actually took that shit seriously?
Uh, yeah! That was kind of our aim, jackass...heh heh, I just realized that.
Fuck you...
I think we're all ready now, so can we just start?
Yes, yes we can. Now, I'll be reading these off by the order in which we received them and we'l go from there. *Clears Throat* h...
...Hey, dickhead! Aren't you supposed to be reading the questions now?
I...don't know...how one would even begin to...pronounce this
Wow, that name is...definitely unique?
Yeah, we'll go with that...So hs0003 asked the triplets "On a scale from black powder to Tzar Bomba, how much destruction can the 3 of you cause if you worked together?"
My element is lethal, however it is mostly limited to my movements and would not level any sort of structure. Rather, it would cause any to inhale it to asphyxiate
...quite the vocabulary you got there...Anyway, although Snoop Dog's best friend over there can't do shit on a level of catastrophic destruction, Jack and I are more than capable of just that.
This is where Tumor is better than me in something, pretty much the only thing he can beat me in.
Fuck you!
I can only absorb so much fire and when used properly I can burn down damn near anything. But I gotta walk across the fuckin map for that shit.
I, on the other hand, can give off an explosion that would put the Tzar Bomba to shame.
If it wasn't for the massive amount of burning everything, I wouldn't have survived. That shit was intense.
Good thing we did it out in the boonies, that could have killed a lot of people.
It did kill a lot of people, you took out half of Mexico!
Like I said, the boonies. No one was there.
...You're a dick!
I got it from you, darling.
Anyway! The next question, well technically set of questions, comes from GameAssassin.
I like that guy, gives a lot of positive feedback. Plus, he's been reading this story since I first came out with it. He was one of the originals!
That's sweet, you wanna give him a kiss?
Hey, fuck-stick, my tongue is long enough to reach down your fucking throat. So how about I give you a kiss an see how long it takes for you to turn blue?
Don't threaten me with a good time.
Guys, please! Sheesh, it's like you can't breathe unless you're arguing. His first question goes to...oh, me! He asked "why have you taken to jakes clown religion when you worship the ground celestia walks apon?"
My name is Jack, you fucking-
I swear, if you insult this one...
...
Okay, back to the question. Well, Game, in all honesty I really haven't. I think that his beliefs are interesting and I respect his right to choose what he believes in and I'm also willing to partake in some of the rituals, but I am not what you would call a firm believer in the whole Dark Carnival thing.
It's a sad fact, but fuck it, she's still willing to paint-up and drink Faygo with me. It's still a party!
Next question: This one goes out to Tumor. "When the-" Okay! Let's just skip that little piece there. "When are you gonna wise up and make up with carrot you dumb *MHMM*??? Gonna mooch off the book hound and the religious clown brother for the rest of eternity???
You motherfucker, I outta come out there and beat your fucking ass!
Really, I think you should make up with her. I mean, I don't mind you staying in the castle, Celestia knows that there is plenty of room, but nopony wants to lose a friend.
Fuck you! That bitch was-
Buddy, I don't blame you for being a bit moody. If I had some girl telling me what to do constantly, I'd probably snap too. I don't tolerate it when people try to control me, because I am my own person. You're the same way, so I understand where you're coming from. However, if you man up and apologize she might just apologize back and give you some more freedom.
...
I think he needs a brake.
Yeah, get your fat ass out of here and chill out.
*Leaves*
Is he going to be okay?
He'll be fine. I know, I made him.
Alright then. Game's next question is for Jack.
Great fucking Milenko, it's about goddamn time!
He asked, "WHY A HOG AND NOT A-
FUCKING-
MONSTER TRUCK!?!?!?!?"...
Yo, is your throat okay after that?
It'll be fine...
Next time, don't read the volume. Anyway, Jack; Answer!
Because 'HOGS' are the fucking shit!
Great fucking answer! Twilight, you good?
Yeah, I'm fine. Their next question is for Sebastian; it states "How enthralling would you rate Maud and what *annoys* you the most about the pony world?"
I find my little pebble to be quite the character. She is one of the first of the opposite sex to find interest in me and not fear my appearance or voice.
Wait, are you having sex with horses too?
As for what annoys me, I would have to say that I have found little to push my metaphorical buttons. There are a number of thing I am not used to, such as the amount of color to this world and the kindness from ponies who don't find me utterly terrifying. Those here who judge me without knowing me are probably the only things here that get on my nerves.
You fucking ignored me...So that's a yes, isn't it? Really! Am I the only one who hasn't gone local?
Shut up, they're sentient creatures and the only difference from a normal person is their appearance.
Now you're defending them?
I'm not making a big deal out of it because frankly, I don't give a flying fuck.
...
Exactly. Next!
The next question is directed to...Carrot Top?
Yeah, that won't work out. I already tried getting her to answer that earlier. Said she didn't want to talk about it and that she'd call the guard if I didn't leave
Well, okay then. Game's last question goes to the author.
Woohoo!
Game asks; "How much fun do you have with the 4th wall bulldozing you do periodically? Also what the *hay* goes through you're beautifully demented mind to make this hilarious story you wonderful *stallion*"
...please don't censor him into calling me a stallion, it's creepy.
No kidding. Nice fucking job, Twilight. You had one job!
Sorry???
Anyway, I actually get extremely annoyed when I do fourth wall breaks. Cause when I write I get into the character and using their minds against mine usually ends up in us arguing in which I am literally verbally screaming at myself.
That's...interesting...can't say it's healthy, but I guess it shows your dedication to the characters.
Well, I do have a small number of mental illnesses. My trips to the psych-ward taught me that
And you're comfortable sharing that kind of information?
Fuck it, I aint ashamed. Better people know about it so they can have an idea of what to expect out of me rather than just assuming I'm acting out to spite them.
That kind of makes sense, but it seems sort of-
I know, everything I do contradicts itself. It's how I live life, deal with it. Anyway, that can also technically answer the whole 'What goes through my head' thing. A lot does, not always pleasant. However as some have noticed I have taken things from abridged series and put them in here, using them as a reference. Who doesn't love references? The reason I do that is because watching things like that as well as stand up comedies inspire me to write this story and create my own little funny ass scenarios. That's how I come up with these. If you got funny shit going in one ear, funny shit is gonna come out the other.
No offense, but you're kind of weird and your sense of logic is almost as bad a Pinkie's.
I know, isn't it great? :P
...Anyway, it would seem that we are out of questions.
Really? That's fucking it?
Hey, I said you guys were popular. I didn't say that you were famous.
Well, that was fun while it lasted. Thank you to everypony who participated and we hope to see you again in the next chapter.
And if some are reading this and want to still ask questions, feel free to ask when the next one will come in the comments below and we will see y'all next time
DEUCES, BITCH!!!

Making [confusing] ammends

Author's Note

Sorry if this chapter seems rushed guys, I wanted to get it up as soon as possible before the power killed out. There's a big ass storm coming my way and it's bringing it's destructive, inbred cousins. (Tornadoes) If I live through it then I'll see you in the next chapter, if not then...fuck.

Making [confusing] ammends

It's been a while since he'd gone anywhere near this place. It was weird, Carrot Top's house seemed smaller than he remembered. Oh, well, it was time to get this over with and cleared the air with the bossy mare. Tumor walked ever so slowly towards the small house with his heart racing a milling miles a minute. He didn't know why he felt so nervous about this, he just was. Never-the-less, he pressed on until he made it to the door. He could feel himself starting to sweat. Why was he so nervous!?
[Seriously, why?]

"Hey if I know! You're the fucking writer so you tell me!"

[Just stop being a bitch and fix this shit, now!]

"How about I crawl out of this goddamn, piece of shit story and beat your ass!"

The door was suddenly opened by and earth pony with a poofy orange mane. All of the random shouting had caught her attention and she decided to investigate. However her expression turned sour once she found the source to be a rather annoying bipedal conduit.

"...oh, you're a dick!" He cursed at the heavens before turning his attention the the mare glaring at him from the other side of the thin wooden door that separated them.

Carrot Top kept the door mostly shut, peering out with nothing more than her muzzle being visible to the outside world. "What do you want? I thought I told you to stay away from here and to stay away from me."

As much as Tumor wanted to be nice about this, his natural assholeish nature would not allow him. "Would you shut the fuck up five seconds and let me talk. I came here to apologize for my bullshit act at the stupid fair-thing-whatever."

"Wow, that was great." She said sarcastically. "I can really feel just how sincere you are."

"Eat a dick you mud pony."

"Hey! That is extremely racist!"

"Technically it's specist coming from me, therefore your argument is utterly fucking useless."

She growled at him before a lighthearted chuckle escaped her lips. "Oh my Celestia." She said before poncing onto Tumor, tackling him to the ground as she started hugging him. "I've missed this, I missed you..."

"...what?"

[...what?]

She ignored the two voices and continued snuggling up against the loud-mouthed conduit with her-wait, two? He head shot up as she searched around for the source of the second voice she heard. "What? Who's out there?"

"Please, just ignore it, otherwise it'll get worse."

[I'm right here you know! I can hear everything you're saying about me]

"Good, now shut the fuck up and let's get on with this shit!"

[You know what, asshole!?]

"What!"

[I....MMM, god damn, fucking limits! FUCK! You what, let's fix this, I can fix this]
*Pause* *Rewind* *Pause*

[Okay, so now let's just stick to the story and do this right]
*Play*

She growled at him before a lighthearted chuckle escaped her lips. "Oh my Celestia." She said before poncing onto Tumor, tackling him to the ground as she started hugging him. "I've missed this, I missed you..."

"...What?" He asked in utter confusion, expecting to have still been beyond pissed at him and loath the very smell of him. "You actually missed me?"

She punched him in the side before continuing the forced embrace. "Yes. I'm still mad at you, but I missed you. Not having you around bickering about nonsense and starting fights was just...it felt weird. It was...it kind of made me feel lonely. Even Derpy didn't know how to help."

"You're one weird talking horse, you know that right?"

"I don't care, just shut up and let me have this."

A decent distance away from the two Jack and Twilight were observing quietly. Twilight was using her magic as some sort of radio so they could hear them and a slight vision enhancement spell as well. "Wow," she started, "that was definitely..."

"Something?" Jack finished for her.

"Yes! Exactly. It was something."

"I'm not sure what yet, but it was definitely a thing that happened." He leaned back and shook the spell off of him. "Why is everypony around here so fucking weird?"

"Asks the human wearing face-paint for no reason." Twilight said with a light giggle.

Jack got up and walked over to Twilight, giving her a light flick on the horn. "Go to hell, book-horse."

"Ow! That's sensitive..." She pouted before Jack leaned close to her.

As he leaned over he put a hand on the back of Twilight's neck and put his face next to her ear. "I can make a few other things sensitive." He whispered in a sultry tone.

Twilight's face turned a deep crimson, she tried to reply but her words would fumble at every attempt. After less than a minute she started to get light-headed and struggles slightly just standing on her hooves.

Jack laughed loudly at her reaction, falling to the ground and rolling around like he was someone who just came out of a burning building and was being roasted alive. "Holy shit! You should see the look on your face. Ahahahaha, oh man, that shit is priceless!"

Twilight took a moment to recollect herself, but once she did she played it cool. Pretending as though he had never said that. She wasn't sure why it had made her so flustered, but it was something she would need to keep an eye on. "Anyway, I think they're going to be fine now."

Jack rolled onto his side to face Twilight, propping his head up with one arm and lifting his shirt with the other. "Please Miss Sparkle, paint me like one of your french whores."

Her blush returned before Twilight promptly turned away and started marching back to the castle.

"Hey, where you going? I thought you were supposed to paint me." He yelled out, only for her to ignore him. "I haven't even taken my pants off yet!"

Twilight groaned loudly in the distance, one again making Jack laugh like a mad clown in the dirt he was laying in

So much shipping fuel!

Jack practically chanted the word 'No' as he sifted through his bag, seeming to be looking rather intently for something. After having almost no luck in finding what he was looking for he tossed down his arms in frustration. "Shit!"

Tumor wandered in upon hearing whatever kind of bullshit distress signal his brother was giving off. "What the fuck are you bitching about?"

Jack looked up at Tumor, attempting keeping it clear in his mind that he should NOT put a bullet between his eyes. "What's it matter to you , fag-stick?"

"It matters to me because I'm trying finish making up Carrot Top and your whining is louder than hers."

"Wait, you were just in your room having sex with Carrot Top?"

"Yeah, so?"

"..."

Twilight walked into the room, having taken care of most of her afternoon routines she had some time to relax for a bit. She looked up to see the two brothers staring each other down. "Hi guys! How are-" She was immediately silenced as Jack pulled some sort of hand-held device out from his bag, aiming it at Tumor and pulling a small trigger at the based of its handle. There was a loud bang as it went off and blood shot out of the back of Tumor's skull before his body fell to the ground. Twilight stood completely still, slack-jawed at the scene before her.

Carrot Top, having heard the noise, charged out of the room to investigate only to find the conduit she had been having physical relations with just moments ago on the floor with a pool of blood forming beneath him and a small hole in his forehead. She ran over to his side with tears in her eyes, pressing her hooves to his face and calling out his name and begging him to wake up. Denial is a powerful thing.

Twilight turned toward Jack with a disgusted look. "Jack! How could you!?"

Jack held up a finger at her. "Wait for it."

"Wait for-" She attempted to question him again, but found herself being cut off by him repeating what he said earlier

"Wait for it..." He stared intently at his brother's body, it's head beginning to glow around the wound. Before long the bullet hole taking up a small portion of Tumor's skull started to heal rapidly and he awoke. "There we go."

Tumor sat up, completely oblivious to the orange maned pony wrapping her hooves around him in relief. "You fucking bitch! What the hell?"

Before much else could be said the castle turned into an absolute shit show, a shit show in the sense of a bloody mess with cracked walls and a bit of broken everything. The two brothers would duke it out for maybe a total of five minutes and thirty nine second before it finally stopped being funny and Twilight used her magic to separate the two and sent them their separate ways. Tumor was sentenced to stay at the house while Jack went out for a walk to help blow off some of the steam that was literally shooting out of his nose with every breath.

Twilight didn't exactly feel like Jack going out alone was exactly the best idea though, so she figured she might as well tag along for the ride to make sure he doesn't get into anymore trouble. They made their way into Ponyville, just kind of walking around with no actual destination until they ran into a bit of a scene. They saw a small colt being apprehended by police for some odd reason and they decided to investigate. The princess took the lead, "Excuse me, but what seems to be the meaning of this?"

Before the cop or the colt could speak a stallion shop-owner walked over. "Thievery, this child has stolen from me and should be punished. Take him away please."

"Hold on!" Jack shouted, "What did he take?"

"He stole a device commonly used for dental hygiene!" The stallion explained, trying to make it sound much more serious than it actually was.

Jack looked down at the colt, kneeling down so he was eye level with it. His eyes lit up as he realized who the super human in front of him was. "Listen buddy, tell me exactly what you took."

The colt wasn't proud of confessing he had stolen to one of Equestria's greatest heroes. "I uh...I stole a tooth brush..."

He pat the colts head a couple of time. "I stole a toothbrush one, then I ate a baby." The colts eyes were suddenly filled with fear. "You see, when you do one bad thing it starts a chain reaction. You want to do it more so then you tell yourself 'it's just one last time' the next thing you know you're in your own bed room covered in blood and sleeping next to your ex girlfriend's mutilated corpse. It becomes addicting, it becomes all you ever want, and before you know it, you go from a low grade thief to an absolute monster!" His body became engulfed in flames as he yelled at the colt, causing it screamed in fear and run off. The flames all vanished and Jack looked over at the shop owner. "That good enough for you?"

The stallion cringed slightly. "As disturbing as that was, I guess it will suffice. I'm going to leave now..." He said nervously, turning away and walking off from the group, the cop soon following suit.

Jack found himself being punched pretty hard in the arm by Twilight, but it only seemed to make him laugh. They eventually exited the town of Ponyville with Jack taking the lead and Twilight just following.

She followed close behind him, unsure of where exactly they were going. "Jack, do you know where we are going?"

"Of course I do, I just don't know what it's called." He replied.

"That's helpful..." She sighed as they came upon a lake just outside of the Everfree when Jack started stripping. She blushed heavily, unable to do much else but stare as he got almost completely naked and dove into the water.

The water was cold, very cold. Jack despised the cold; so with a bit off willpower he heated the lake, his body glowing like the sun beneath the water as it attempted to surround itself in flames.

The sight below was unlike anything she had ever seen, his body became a bright light which would become wavy and distorted by the natural flow of the water. She poked a hoof into the lake, strangely enough it was fairly warm. Naturally, she assumed that Jack was the reason for it.

Jack finally swam back to the surface and leaned against on of the edges. "Damn, is it hot in here or is it just me?"

"It's probably just you." She replied plainly as she slipped her body into the warm waters. It took her a hot minute to realize what she had said, but as soon as she did she dunked her head under water and started screaming at herself. When the need for air became too much she raised her head back to the surface and took long, slow breaths.

"Calm down Sparkle, hold it in for that long you'll start to choke on it." Jack said, laughing as she once again started to blush very intensely.

"Jack, that's a little inappropriate."

"No, that was funny. You wanna hear inappropriate? When I was nine my father told me 'Son, you cannot be a lesbian without being comfortable with the smell of fish.' You know, like how you talk to a child!"

Twilight wasn't exactly sure how to feel about that. In Equestria that was just bad parenting but she didn't know the customs of his world. Come to think about it, she never really talked to them about their family beside the other brothers. "If you don't mind, what were you parents like?"

Jack took a second to think about it before actually answering her, not really being used to talking about his folks. "Well my mother was a pill popping drug addict who would end up being found in the middle of the streets from time to time wearing a sombrero."

"I'm sorry..." Now she felt bad for bringing up the subject. "I didn't know-"

"Shut up, I'm not finished." He said, looking completely un-phased by the story. "Then there was the time when we found her splattered all over the road because she took so much Valium she thought her brain told her inhaling helium would make her fly. Then there was our father...wow!"

Twilight was almost afraid to ask, but if there was one thing she had learned about Jack it's that when you dealt with him you had to brave through the storm. "What was he like?"

Jack made an odd popping sound with his mouth before replying. "He was a bit of a nut, kinda goofy almost all the time, but that man had the heart of a lion...and maybe a lifetime ban from the zoo."

Twilight found it hard not to laugh at the joke. Yes, it was odd and a bit morbid for ponies but something about it just tickled her funny bone. "You're so weird, you know that?"

"Would you rather I be some normal, boring, repetitive asshole?" He asked, "I'm pretty sure if that were the case you'd probably feel like silence could cause cancer."

"Of course not," She said, waving a hoof at him, "I think you're perfect the way you are. You're crude and sometimes even a little macabre; but you're also adventurous, you're smart, you do what makes you happy no matter what anypony else thinks and I envy that, you're very kind when you want to be, you're cute, and no matter what happens you always seem to have a back up plan that gets whatever you're doing done, you put so much passion into everything you do and that's admirable to anypony. You-"

"Stop! Stop. Red light! Back the fuck up for a second!" He yelled, waving his arms about randomly. "You just called me cute."

Twilight's face became completely flushed as she mentally went through what she had said to him, only to deny it. "No I didn't. I think your ego just made you hear that."

"Wow! Ouch, that hurt, bitch. But seriously, you said it, I heard it. Don't lie to me." He said, his body heating up slightly, making the water warmer as well. "Come on, sweetheart. I heard you say it, just confess."

"I will not." She said, crossing her hooves only to uncross them when she started having trouble staying above the water. "You just need to get your head out of the clouds."

"And you pull your head out of your ass! I know what you said!" He watched as Twilight exited the water and closed her eyes, barely holding her poker-face as she walked off. "Come back here, you purple hoe, get back here!" When she wouldn't respond he figured this would be the time to use his secret power, something so horrible that he wouldn't dream of using it in his worst nightmares. "Baby come back!" He started to sing, earning Twilight's attention as well as a light blush. "any kind of fool could see; there was something in everything about you. Baby come back, you can blame it all on me. I was wrong, and I just can't live without you!"

Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes and walked back to the lake, looking down at him in the water as steam started to rise from the intense heat coming from him. "Yes, I called you cute." She said somewhat defeated, but she felt that if he was willing to embarrass himself like that than he earned it.

"I fucking knew it!"

Sleepover edition!

Twilight and the gang settled themselves into one of their guest rooms. They hadn't messed with it too much since the whole tantibus incident and they had left it to be filed with all of the beds. She figured it would have been useful in the future and using it for a sleepover would be as good a reason as any. She hasn't been able to spend any quality time with her friends with the super-humans living in here so she wanted to do something to spend time with them and inviting them to a sleepover seemed like it would be the best thing to do just that. After taking a few minutes to discuss what they wanted to do they eventually settled on playing a game of truth or dare.

Rarity requested to go first and Twilight happily accepted. If only she knew what was to come. "Twilight, truth or dare?"

Twilight put a chin to her hoof before answering. "I think I'll go for truth."

Rarity wore a mischievous smile that made Twilight a bit uncomfortable, but everypony else lean closer in anticipation. "How exactly do you feel about Jack?"

"Oh, well I like him. He is my friend after all." She replied.

"Well I know that, darling. But, What I mean is, do you like him?" She clarified, causing Twilight to blush slightly.

"Oh...um...well I-" She was suddenly cut off as the bedroom door was kicked open. "Oh look! Literally anything else!"

A very familiar face-pained conduit stumbled into the room, apparently trying to make his way over to Applejack who just looked at him with complete and utter disdain. Before he got over to her bed he fell to his knees and pointed at her. "You....y-your brother...h-he...he's a little...little bitch and I'm gonna...I'm gonna........what the fuck am I doing in here?"

"Jack!" Pinkie shouted, running over to hug him. "I haven't seen you in so long and-" She sniffed the air around him. "Applejack? Have you been giving him some of your special cider?"

Applejack's eyes widened, "Ah have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Sure you do, it's the ones you have aging in the-" Pinkie was silenced as Applejack shoved her hoof in her mouth.

"I don't know what y'all are talking about. So hush already."

Jack chuckled slightly. "Applejack has a drinking problem!"

"Yer one to talk you intoxicated varmint!" She yelled.

"Hey, at least I have an excuse you f-fucking...you...fuck you, bitch!" Jack suddenly found himself being suspended in the air and floating over to Twilight's bed where he was placed behind her.

"We're just going to ignore him!" Twilight said with a nervous smile.

"We should have him play with us!" Rainbow Dash suggested.

Fluttershy nodded in agreement. "I think it would be nice. Maybe we could learn more about him too."

"Yeah, I'll play...W-what is we playin?" He asked.

"Well," Applejack started, "we were playin truth or dare until you so rudely interrupted."

"Alright! Let's do this shit!" He yelled excitedly.

"And it's Rainbow Dash's turn!" Twilight quickly added, wanting to avoid Rarity's question completely.

"Oh yeah! Jack?" Rainbow Dash began, "Who do you think is the coolest pony in this room?"

"Rainbow, darling, you have to ask truth or dare first." Rarity explained to the pegasus."

"Fine, truth or dark Jack?"

"Dare, I aint no bitch!" Jack replied.

"Okay, I dare you to..." She paused and thought for a moment. "Make a ring of fire for me to fly through!" She demanded excitedly.

"I uh...I can't make a ring...I could juggle and you could like...fly in between them?"

She sighed, a bit disappointed. "Fine, just get to it."

Jack sat up on the bed and started juggling balls of fire in a circular motion. Rainbow prepared herself, stretching her wings out and popping them a bit before flying through the opening and landing on the other side with a burnt hoof.

"Ow!" She said, holding her hoof. "That hurt!"

The fireballs vanished and Twilight tended to Rainbow Dash's hoof wound. It wasn't bad, just a light singe. "Okay, so how about we don't do anything involving Jack's powers. Agreed?"

The ponies all nodded while Jack stared down Applejack. "You...you and I...we kind have the same know...Only yours is filled with appled, like your head."

Jack fell off of the bed as a lamp flew into his face and landed on the floor. "Stupid human." The farm horse said, crossing her hooves.

Twilight knew Jack would recover quickly and that he deserved that for attacking Applejack's brother. So she left him to deal with this issue on his own.

"Can it be my turn, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked with a raised hoof.

"Of course!" She said.

"Jack, is it okay if I ask you a question?"

Jack pulled himself off of the floor and flipped off Applejack before replying. "Yeah, truth it is then."

"I just wanted to know how you feel about animals."

"Delicious." He simply said, earning an audible gasp from everypony in the room beside Twilight.

"Jack's entire species are omnivorous." Twilight quickly explained to them, hoping hey would understand. "In fact, if they didn't eat meat they would eventually die."

"Now hold on a second." Applejack started up, If that's true then that would mean that since he's been here he woulda had to-"

"Let's please just drop the subject." Twilight requested. Applejack complied, for Twilight's sake.

"My turn!" Jack interrupted, "Applejack, truth or dare?"

Applejack glared daggers at him, knowing he was planning something. "Truth."

"Fuck you! Rarity, truth or dare?"

"Uh, dare?" She said, it sounding more like a question than anything else.

"I dare you to share the bed with Applejack...and you have to cuddle!" He demanded.

Rarity and Applejack glanced at each other, although they had become very good friends, the idea of sharing a bed made them uncomfortable, especially since what happened last time. "Why do y'all want us to go an do somethin like that." Applejack asked him.

He squinted his eyes and whispered loudly enough for the whole room to hear him. "Cause I know it'll piss you off."

Applejack took this as a challenge, she would fire back in return to this. Twilight had told her about his problem with the whole inter-species relations thing and she knew just how to make it work to her advantage. "Alright then, It's mah turn and seeing how you said that you and no bitch, ah got a dare for ya."

"Bring it mud-pony!" Jack said with fire in his eyes literally.

Applejack smiled, her plan had already worked. "Ah dare y'all to kiss Twilight." This caused Twilight's face to turn redder than it ever had been in the past. [And you guys know, this bitch can go from purple to fucking maroon in seconds]

The fire in his eyes suddenly vanished and he could feel his brain forcing him sober. He wasn't having that though! He pulled out his flask an downed what was left in it...then things started to go blurry... "You think I'm not gonna do it just cause...that shit with the fuckin panda hat!"

"What?" She asked, now moderately confused and worried about Twilight. What had she done...

"I got this! You're on you fucking whore!" Jack grabbed Twilight and made he lay flat on the bed while he pinned her down beneath him. She stared up at him, part of her being afraid while another part was crying out for him to hurry up. HE quickly pressed his lips against hers, giving her a long deep kiss and making the jaws of everypony ion the room drop like a cylinder block on a fat guys head.

Tumor suddenly walked into the door. "Hey Twilight, I-" He immediately paused as he saw what was happening. Jack broke the kiss and looked up at Tumor. Tumor looked back at him in turn before looking at Twilight who seemed to be in a very odd state of euphoria. "And you judge me for having sex with horses...bitch! You're in here about to start a fucking orgy and I'm the one getting shit for it?"

Jack got up on his knees, "Hey, suck my di-oh fuck!" He fell off of the bed for a second time today.

Tumor nodded his head with a grin on his face. "Drunk or not, I'm never gonna let you live this down you fuck."

"Fuck you, you fucking cun-"

"Hey! Watch you fucking mouth! We don't say that shit!"

"Seriously!? Why is *hic* everyone allergic to that fucking word?" Jack asked, climbing onto the bed before his brain finally said 'Fuck it, I'm don' and he blacked out. Jack woke up as the sun was starting to rise. He didn't recognize the room he was in, but he did recognize the purple alicorn he was currently cuddled up against. He removed himself from her and got off of the bed, his head was pounding with every move he made. "Holy shit...what the fuck happened?" He asked himself, looking around to see a bunch of beds, all but on of them were filled. That seeming to be because Applejack and Rarity were sharing a bed and snuggling up against each other. "So...the farm horse and the diva...who'd a thunk?" He shook his head, still not being able to see straight and exited the room. "Sebastian, what the hell happened?"

Sebastian materialized from a wall right next to his brother. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what happened last night?" He asked. "I know your ass stalks everyone in here so don't pretend like you don't know. I want the full fucking story and I want it yesterday you sneaky bitch."

Sebastian stared at him with his dead-like eyes. "Well, you started drinking. That's the first part."

"That one is obvious."

"You then barged into Twilight's room, went over to the orange one and called her brother a bitch."

"Words of wisdom and truth, next!"

"Then you all started playing truth or dare. The blue one wanted to fly through a ring of fire, you claimed to have no such ability and burned her as she attempted to fly through your juggling pattern."

"Dumb lesbian, next!"

"I'll skip to the more important parts; You dared the unicorn and earth horse to share a bed, knowing it would upset the farm pony."

"Fuck that bitch and her inbred family."

"Then you were dared to kiss Twilight to which you did with more passion than that of how you kissed your own girlfrinds back in our world."

"..."

"Then Tumor walked in and saw it."

"......"

"Then after falling off of the bed you climbed back on and immediately fell back asleep."

"........."

"Are you okay, brother?"

"............"

[Q & A: Announcement] (2)

Are we really doing this shit again?
Yes
...why?
Because-
Because he's out of ideas because he's a fucking moron.
You...fuck you...
You're suffering from writers block?
...Fuck off
It's okay, at least you're trying to do something despite that. Even though you're out of ideas right now that doesn't mean you will be in the future; I admire your dedication. Even with this issue you're still trying to get up what you can and you're even willing to allow your fans to interact with some of the characters. I think that is more than respectable.
That's so sweet, I could puke.
Yeah, I appreciate the encouraging words Twi; believe me, I do, but that was cheesy as fuck.
Wow, rude! I was trying to be nice you jerk!
I know, I'm sorry! I can't help the way my mind works, alright? Have you met my father?
Uh, no.
Well find the time to track him down, only then will you truly understand.
A-Alright?
Anyway, creepers and creepets! Freaks of all kinds who somehow manage to stomach the bullshit I put up on here. It is time once again for another Question and Answering session. I understand that some of you came in late and did not get to ask your questions so I decided to start another one while I'm working on ideas for future chapters.
You are actually capable of human cognitive thought? Holy fuck! I didn't think monkeys had brains strong enough to do shit like that.
Oh my hell, I will slap you!
Do it, bitch! I dare you to fucking try!
*SMACK*
Ow! What the fuck!? Why couldn't I block that?
Hey, dumbass? Did you forget that he literally controls everything we do?
This is bullshit! I call hacks!
...
HACKS!!!
...
Hacks?
...
Is he okay?
*Sigh* Fuck-face! Stop watching Spaz Boys and get back to the god damn announcements!
What? Oh shit, right!
Seriously, dude? If you love youtube so much why don't you just make your own fucking page.
I have one...
Seriously?
What's youtube?
It's a website on this mystical thing called the internet, you know, the thing people use to read this story. They make videos and post them for other people's entertainment. I have my own page called DeathCreatorEvil.
That's an...interesting name.
I made it back when it first became really big, never really used it. A friend of mine had a page where he let me join and we acted like dumbasses. Something went wrong and we needed to start a new one so I offered for them to use mine. Death is a friend of my buddys, who I made the manager, Creator is the buddy I made a manager, and I'm Evil. Hence the name Lord Evil.
Your name is Lord Evil?
It is on the internet.
Can we just get back to the fucking announcement? I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible, I have shit to do.
Yeah, that's right! You're gonna be so busy doing literally nothing later because I'm not writing anything until the questions are answered.
He has a point.
JESUS CHRIST!!! Stop fucking doing that!
The announcement! FUCK!!!
Anyway, yeah! I am opening up another ask session for you to ask both the characters in this story and myself whatever you'd like. Seeing how I am the way I am, nothing is considered going too far as I have had my fair share of that in this story. So hands down, the asks will be completely uncensored, minus the occasional shifting of words because Twilight likes to read them off while avoiding swearing as much as possible.
It's not a really a hobby of mine, unlike you guys who seem to do it from sport. The only one out of all of you who doesn't seem to have a sailor mouth is Sebastian.
Speaking of, where is that motherfucker? I hardly ever see him.
I'm right here...
I mean every other time we're out doing shit. Whenever we are actually doing something we never see you. What kind of shit is that?
He's usually off doing his own thing, I'll explain it in a future chapter. Believe it or not he's actually managed to make a decent living. I'll make sure to explain it more thoroughly, probably in the next real chapter I make. However, I will get a hold of him during the answering session so that people can ask him questions as well.
Are we allowed to shit-talk at GameAssassin yet?
Fuck you, he's an original!
And for the millionth time we have gotten off topic. *Clears throat* Laides and gentlecolts, please feel free to leave your questions in the comments below. All of us would be happy to answer what ever it is you would like and the answers will be posted...
...Oh, right! Once again the date of which they will be posted will depend on how many questions we get.
Also, as a quick reminder; You are free to ask as many questions as you would like so long as you specify which of us you are asking.
Which should be done regardless.
There are a lot of us.
Also, Carrot Top and Derpy will be allowed to answer questions now as well. And, just to spice thing up a bit, you can request that any of the triplets should go meet a certain pony and I will fill you in on how a brief meeting will go.
Wait, what?
Like...Say someone wants Jack to go and meet someone like Octavia. They can ask me to do that and we will show them how a short encounter would play out.
That's new, but kind of clever too. It'll give the ponies reading a chance to see how they will react when interacting with another pony one on one.
Exactly. So, I think we've taken up enough of the peoples' time. Thank you all for taking the time to read through this tiny shit-show and feel free to ask away. I will catch you all later.
Deuces bitch!

[Questions Answered] (2)

Author's Note

Real quick, I just wanted to add that Derpy's voice is yellow
Carrot Top is green
and as time goes on color will change depending on the situation and who is talking. I tried to do my best to explain who is speaking so I apologize if there is any confusion.

Questions Answered

Get ready guys, we have quite the adventure today.
I bet we do.
Ha! Sarcasm :P
That was the point...
I know, I'm ruining the fun for you. Deal with it.
Fuck you.
You know you want to ;P
Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure that's my job.
Okay! Before this gets even more disturbing than it already is, how about we get started on answering these questions?
I'm down.
Whatever.
About fucking time.
Akumabrony asked, "Have y'all met the god of chao-NO! No no nononononononono
What?
Nonono no no!
What the fuck was the question?
It doesn't matter! They haven't and they are not going to!
Going to what?
Heh heh, this is gonna be fun :P
nononononono, pleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE don't make them meet...
I'll think about it
*Pout*
You're so adorkable. Next question!
But I wanna know what they were fucking asking!
I must admit, I am fairly curious as well.
Too damn bad! Twilight, next!
Akumabrony also wanted to know how old the triplets are.
Nineteen.
W-was that like...rehearsed?
Not even a little...
Okay then. Next set of questions comes from Amethyst Blade. Amethyst asked: Jack, when will you have sex...with...Twilight..........??????????????
Is the princess alright? She seems to have fallen into a mesmeric-like state.
I think Amethyst broke her...Anyway, Jack, feel like answering his question?
*Snore*
Tumor...
I'm on it. *Punch*
Ow, bitch!
When are you gonna have sex with Twilight!?
I don't fuck horses!
So you're saying you are in no way attracted to her?
*Smack* Stay the fuck outta my business.
Round One: FIGHT!!!
You see this Amethyst? Are you witnessing what you have done?
BE STILL!!!
*Blink Blink* Princess Luna? What are you doing here?
I am unsure of what it was exactly, but I could feel some strange force pulling me towards you all.
Well it's a good thing you're here, cause I literally just remembered that there's a question on here about you and your sister.
A question???
I'll explain later, just roll with it.
Um...okay?
Good girl! :P
...You sound strangely familiar. Have we met?
Luna, I love you but zip your fucking lips. We got questions to answer. T.Sparkle, read us off.
Okay, next question, same pony. "Carrot, when will you-" *snicker* I'm sorry, let me just. *Clears throat* " when will you *Chuckle* I'm sorry, I can't do this! It's just so ridiculous!
*Reads* Good to know Jack's sense of humor is rubbing off on you. I'll take that *yoink* "Carrot, when will you-BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I CANT SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! OH GOD!!!
*Grabs* Give me that fucking thing. "Carrot, when will you marries Tumor and makes little foals? I know the two species are actually compatible due to the sort of genetic system that the ponies possess." See, it wasn't that...hard...*double take* Excuse me!?
*Intense blushing* Um...
That's fucking hilarious! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
The thought is quite humorous.
I don't quite understand the joke.
One would have to understand the way Tumor behaves in order to properly elucidate the matter.
Okay! Okay! Let's all just-just calm down. Everybody break for a second. *Collective inhale* Okay, let's...let's go ahead and hear an answer from the Soon-to-be- married couple.
I-I-um-I don't-I...um-you see that, uh...Tumor, help me!
Marriage is evil and, as the incident a few months ago clearly shows, I have a huge problem with children
Okay, now before this conversation can take a dark turn, let's move on to the next question! Twilight?
Once again, same pony, different question.
I already fuckin hate him.
Don't be such a bitch.
So, Amethyst went on to ask: "Tumor, what would you rate your sex session with Carrot Top on the scale of 1-100?"
I'm not sure what I would rate it, but I gotta say; the bitch knows her way around a dick.
*Punch*
Ow! It was a fucking compliment!
You called me a bitch!
Maybe if you'd stop acting like a bitch, I would stop calling you a bitch!
NEXT QUESTION!!!
The next question is for Derpy...wait, Derpy's not-
*Slam*
Ow, my rump!
Found her
Carrot Top? What are you doing here, and why are we in Princess Twilight's castle?
It's a long story, I'll tell you about it later.
Yeah, but for right now someone has a question for you.
For me?
Amethyst asked: "Derpy, do you often have sleepless nights because your two roomates were busy doing each other?"...I'm not sure I want to keep this job as 'The Reader'. It's just...it gets weird.
Too bad! Derpy, answer.
*Sigh* Yes, sometimes they're up aaaaaallllllllllllllll night. Seriously, how are you still alive in the mornings? I'd figure that, by now, every ounce of fluid in your body would be gone.
I'm a bit surprised too...FISH.
Fish?
It's an acronym.
An acronym for what?
Fuck
It
Shit
Happens
...how clever...
Yay, more sarcasm. Next question.
Actually, this isn't a question. Amethyst wants Tumor to meet...Tirek...
And before anyone can intervene *Snaps finger*

Tumor looked around as the area around him faded away. What the fuck? What's happening?

[I'm altering reality, give me a second.]

Who the fuck is Tirek

[An asshole...Okay, that should do it]

The world around him started to become clear and he found himself on top of a strange stone-like structure where and odd silhouette stood locked inside of a cage. Is that a god damn centaur? Tumor asked before a stream of magic started to leak from his body and flow into the mouth of the contained creature. He stumbled slightly, feeling a bit light-headed. Sweetheart, if you were gonna suck me dry you could have at least bought me dinner first.

You fool; wandering in here which such a large collection of magic in your system, that's just-

Oh my god, would you shut the fuck up! Jesus, your voice sounds like a dying old man. It makes me just wanna kick your ugly fucking teeth in!

You dare insult-

Yes, I do dare, you know why? Cause you're a little bitch! Fuck you!

The silhouette started to rapidly grow in size, eventually becoming too large for the cage and causing it to break open. He now stood about as tall as a two-story building. Behold the power of Lord Tirek

Tumor looked off to the side and- Hey buddy, shouldn't you be fighting this guy?

[Uh...what?]

Who are you talking to?

Shut up, bitch! Buy yeah, you're both Lords, so should that mean you guys have to fight in order for one of you to hold that title?

[Uh...you know what?] *Teleports in* Fuck you, Tirek! *Snaps fingers*

*Explodes into tiny meat chunks*

Problem solved.

And I got to just sit back and watch, as planned

Wait...that was just so you could be lazy?

Yeah...

You fucking cunt!

We're back!
*Rubs swollen temple* Prick
So, how did it go?
Tirek soup is on the menu tonight. Okay, now let's drop the bullshit, we still gotta lot of ground to cover. Next question!
Okay, next set of questions come from GameAssassin.
WOOHOO!!!
Let's see...First he's talking about coming in and teach Tumor a lesson and whatnot. Says he would like to make a guest appearance to. That Should be fun!
Fuck you, asshole. How about you stop jerking off to games and get a fucking life!
*Punch* It should, I'll probably talk to him about it once I get that chapter about Sebastian out.
This on goes to Jack, Game asked: "Why do you keep trying to deny what's going on between you and twilight," ...But, there's nothing going on between us...*gulp*, "there's no human chicks, unless you count Tumor" *Chuckle*
Go to hell, faggot.
"but i don't think he'd be a good partner for you, so why persist?"
You heard the mare, there's nothing going on between us.
Yep! Next question *Smiles nervously* Game asked: "How have the princesses been since the authors intervention with Jack in the cage? Also I'm surprised you're inner scientist hasn't gone nuts once in a long arse time, (keeping it pg just for u twi ;) ) you finally grow out of it or is it just on vacation?" Well, first off I would like to thank you for keeping it pg for me, I appreciate it. As for how the princesses have been...
Luna, that's your queue.
Wait, author? Intervention? You're the one who did that!?
Yep :P
You entered the mind of both my sister and I and you controlled us, threatened to kill us, then continued to harass us for several hours!
Although I am the one to blame...I hereby plea 'Not Guilty' by reason of insanity!
*Magical Blast*
Ow...
You have committed crimes punishable by death!
Yes, but remember; although this is your world, I am in control of it. So fuck you! *Hugs* I don't mean to be so rude, believe me! I love you Luna and I always will, I'm just an asshole by nature! *Poof*
Where did he go?
[I'm in the portion of reality where I can only be heard, but not seen nor touched. Ergo, fuck you. Twilight, continue answering the question]
Right. I do by all means have a very scientific mind, however, I have gained much more self-control since my crowning. If I am to help rule over Equestria I can't allow myself to just turn into a crazy psycho-mare at the appearance of every unknown creature that finds its way here.
Excellent job Twilight, you're becoming more mature every day.
Thank you princess. Now, on to the next question Game asked Derpy: "How've you been you lovable muffin lover? Any bullies giving u problems? Also, what do you honestly think about Tumor and Carrot being together?"
I've been good! Just working hard to make sure everypony gets their mail on time. It can be tiring, but it's a nice job. I make a lot of friends. It's not very often that I do meet bullies, but when I do Tumor always swoops in from out of nowhere and gives me a hoof. *Smiles*
[Oh my god, stop being so fucking adorable!]
Hmhmhm. Anyway, I don't mind them being together how they are. I'm just more concerned with what kind of muffins I'll bake for them when he purposes to her. *wink*
I am not purposing to anyone!
We are not getting married!
Get on with the fucking questions!
Is it always like this?
Eeyup, and this is them on a good day.
I can only imagine how they would be otherwise.
No offense to you princess, but trust me. You have no idea what they are capable of, especially on a bad day. Anyway, the next question goes to Sebastian: " What is the utmost extent of your abilities?"
That question would not likely have a definite answer. Any conduit can become more dangerous as long as they are in or surrounded by their element. My element is smoke; I absorb the black clouds left behind from carnage all around. The utmost extent that I have reached on record was when I covered the state of Vermont in a thick black cloud, making all who dwell within it suffocate on the lethal gas.
...why is everything you do so slow and painful?
My element is lethal, but not destructive. I work with what I am given.
Alright...Twilight...
This question goes out to Tumor. Game asked: "Pull the stick out of your arse man, might let you think like a rational human being for once. Anyways, when you gonna move back in with carrot? Also how did you obtain your powers, ray sphere?"
First off, I'll pull the stick outta my ass when your mom gets my dick out of her mouth.
Okay, now you definitely get to be featured in an upcoming chapter.
Secondly, I already have moved back in, I just spend my time in the castle because that's where my brothers usually are. Finally, we got our powers from Cole MacGrath.
After he fucked up 'The Beast' apparently he took it's powers and used them to activate conduits all over the country.
We were at home, we didn't even know.
We were just kids playing around in the yard, then the next thing we knew...
That walking fucking battery came out of nowhere. He just fell from the fucking sky.
We could do not but watch as his body charged with energy which created a large explosion, consuming us all.
We woke up a few hours later laying in a crater.
Our home was gone and so were the lives we used to live...
[Okay! Damn, that was starting to get sad...maybe we should move on.]
I think I agree.
[Let's uh...let's clear out the castle a bit, okay? Luna and Derpy, you guys are free to go.]
*They left and I got to come back as a physical being* Okay. So let's go on to the next question.
The next question goes to Carrot Top. Game asked: "What do you see in Tumor? I'm curious how he could even get someone of the fairer sex to like him."
*Middle finger*
Well, he is kind of an ass all the time, he's rude, he's obnoxious, he doesn't know how to use a filter, and he's overall just a horrible influence one any living thing. Honestly, I'm not sure why I like him. Maybe because of how confident he always is, or because I feel safe whenever he's around. He may be a prick, but from time to time he can be really sweet and helpful, and once you get used to his sense of humor then he's really no different from any other pony I know.
Gay!
Shut the fuck up!
Okay guys, this is the last question. This one goes out to our very own, Lord Evil.
Fuck yeah! Also, quickly, Carrot you're free to go.
*Leaves*
Game asked: "How are you doing man? Was worried you kicked the bucket after the storm. How did you decide to make this hilarious story, any reason in particular or just happened randomly?"
Great questions! I haven't been too bad recently, still suffering a bit from writers block, but I'm working on it, slowly but surely. The storm however, went completely around my area, it was like it was trying to avoid us. As for how I came up with this story...Primarily I do dark stories, they're probably my favorite kind of stories to write. However, I started suffering from writers block and I didn't know how to continue. So I thought 'What if I write a story that's the opposite of dark? Maybe if I write a comedy it'll help get the creative juices flowing again and I'll be able to work on more of my dark content." This story wan't meant to live pass two or three chapters, but here the fuck we are! I'm not upset about it or anything, I'm glad this got to become so popular and it's nice to have a change in pace. Cause I am constantly working on new ideas and chapters for dark stories so this gives me a bit of comedic relief from all of the fucked up shit going through my head that I use to help me make what I make.
You write dark stories?
Yeah, and you die in a few of them.
What!?
I think this is the perfect time to call an end to the Q & A sessions for a while. Thanks for reading, feel free to share this story with your friends and I will see you all later!
*Growl* *Tackles*
Ow, bitch!
You and I are going to talk about this later, but for right now we are busy.
What? You said that was the last question.
It was the last question, but Game requested a number of brief meetings
Oh...okay. Hold on though. *snap*
*poof*
Uh...where the fuck did she go?
Anywhere that isn't here.
Good choice.
Okay, so meetings. We have: Tumor and shining Armour *Snap*
*Poof*
Jack and Discord *Snap*
*Poof*
Then Sebastian and Diamond Ti-Oh, you're a dick...I love it! *Snap*
*Poof*
Alright, I'm actually a bit eager to see how this will go...but who to visit first? That is the question...I think I wanna see how Jack and Discord are getting along real quick. *Poof*

Jack ran around like a maniac in a very interesting dimension with dark skies and no official ground, jumping on randomly floating objects as if they were part of some odd kind of obstacle course. He continued to climb up them until he reached a thick cloud that appeared to be made of cotton candy. Once he reached it his feet caught fire and flew several feet into the air before landing on top of a very interesting looking creature. Of course this creature was the spirit of chaos we all know and love. Shit man, you like a rabbit that crawled under my house and died while hate-fucking a lizard.

I'm sure I do, but at least I'm not a rude, hairless ape. He remarked.

Bitch, I can torch your ass right now if I wanted to!

Oh, so the monkey is going to do a trick? I bet you can juggle too! The spirit laughed at his own joke, acting as if it was one of the funniest jokes in the world.

Jack growled before heating up his hands and five staring Discord's chest, causing him to yelp at the sudden pain.

[Damn, that looks like it'll scar. I wonder how Tumor's doing with Shining Dickhead]

Shining Armour and Tumor were sitting on a balcony upon the castle in the the Crystal Empire. They didn't seem to be doing much more than sitting at a table and talking. As the two spoke a servant arrived, dropping off two steaming cups of coffee. Tumor reached out and grabbed his cup, sipping it lightly.

So let me get this straight, Shining Armour began, you're a human being, a creature that had been in nothing but pony's tales to tell foals. Not only that, but you and your twin brothers were born with a gene that allowed you to have super powers, then you died and woke up here and Twilight pulled your brothers here using your DNA and portal magic?

That's basically the long an short of it. He said, reassuring Shining that what he said was true.

Well, I gotta say, I wouldn't believe that if you weren't sitting here with me. I'd also find it hard to believe that you have powers, but after that light-show you put on back in the city, I'm pretty sure I'd just be making myself look like a fool.

Yeah, sorry about that. I was sent here using...very unnecessary means.

[Hehehehehehe]

So this is our new guest, huh? Came a voice from behind Shining. Twilight had talked about this mare before. The alicorn princess of love, Cadence.

Whatever I broke, I promise...Twilight will pay for it. The group shared a quick laugh.

Shining took a sip of his coffee. Don't worry about it. You said it was an accident and after spending some time with you, I'm almost certain that you're telling the truth. We can take care of it.

Tumor raised his cup. Then allow me to purpose a toast. This one goes out to new friendships; may they remain strong and grow as time marches on.

Shining raised his cup and tapped it against Tumor's. Once that was out of the way the two boys chugged down the bitter liquid and slammed their cups on the table.

[You sly bastard...for those of you who haven't caught on, it looks like he's trying to befriend this royal couple. Likely so that he will be able to use them to weasel out of trouble in the future...They grow up so fast!]

Oh, Cadence! Tumor suddenly shouted, making the princess jump slightly. You're gonna love this! His eyes wandered to Shining You, probably not so much.

Cadence stared blankly at him for a moment, wondering just what it was he was about to tell her. Well, let's hear it

Tumor put on an evil grin as he-[Oh you're a fucking douche!] Twilight's got a little love interest...in my brother.

The couple's eyes widened and their jaws dropped. Tumor just sat completely still with his evil smirk still plastered to his features...

[You're grounded]

[Next stop, Sebastian and the brat...Let's see he-...What???]

Sebastian was sitting outside of Ponyville Elementary. Right beside a large playground was a nice looking wooden bench with a cloth draped over top of it and decorated for a [god damn] tea party. Diamond Tiara was sitting just opposite of him on the bench and poured him a small glass of tea before passing it over to him along with a small bowl of sugar cubes. There you go, sir. I hope you enjoy

He placed three sugar cubes into the cup and let then dissolve slightly before picking up a spoon and stirring it gently. Much appreciation to you, Miss Tiara. I must say that I am a bit surprised at you. For the longest time all I ever retrieved from the vines of information I collect showed much negativity in your direction.

The filly lowered her gaze with a sigh, Yeah, I was pretty awful for a while. Lately though, I've been trying to redeem myself. You know, make up for all of the bad I have done to other ponies. I'm trying to be a better pony. You understand, right?

More than you know child. He replied, I do not doubt that you have created hardships for other, but I promise you that I have done much more unforgivable things. However, you are choosing to stop your 'mean streak' as some may call it, early on. That is very wise and very admirable. The fact that you have managed to catch on to what you've done at such a young age speaks loudly about your intelligence and that you're working to improve yourself and make amends only continues to speak up in your favor.

Thank you, Mister Sebastian She said, earning a nod from the conduit and-[Oh my god! This is so fucking boring!]

[I was hoping he'd scare her or something, but no! She didn't even question his weird demonic voice! What the hell!? Fuck this shit! We are done, goodbye!]

Where have you been?

Author's Note

Finally, a chapter dedicated to Sebastian. Let me know what you think and if you want more about him or if I should continue to only use him when necessary.

Where have you been?

"You're offer is most appreciated, however, you are not required to do something as drastic as this just because I am related to the Hero of Ponyville." Sebastian explained to the Mayor. He had originally come down to town hall to speak with her about princes on houses. Unlike his brothers, he preferred isolation. The less people there were around him, the better. When he brought it up to the Mayor she suggested on slicing the price of the house in half for him and he wasn't exactly sure how to feel about that.

"I insist, if having a home of your own makes you more comfortable living here then I am more than happy to help you get once for a fair price." She spoke with a smile that slightly unsettled Sebastian. Why was everyone-er-pony so nice? It was weird how none of them seemed to have a switch to negative behaviors like humans did.

Eventually he grumbled to himself and accepted the offer. He was able to pay for the house in full right then and there due to a monthly income that came to him from the Princesses. He wasn't sure how they agreed to something like that or even who set it up, but he wasn't complaining. [He better not] The mayor was a bit shocked that he was paying for the house so quickly and so up front, but she just smiled and gave him the key to his new home. After taking a tight hold on the key his body turned into a cloud of smoke and vanished from town hall.

Sebastian's body reappeared in front of his new house on the outskirts of Ponyville, his sudden appearance making passers by jump out of surprise. [I'm not the only one!] He looked down at the key and shoved it into his pocket, all this would be is proof of ownership until the deed came in via Derpy Mail. His body once again vanished and materialized on the other side of the door. After doing a quick once over he could tell that this place had been abandoned for some time, it was going to take a lot of TLC to clean this place up. He knew just what to do.

Jack was outside working on his motorcycle; He had hit a pretty big bump last time he and Twilight went out and after the initial shock of them soaring in the air and crashing into the ground wore off, they found the bike stuck in a tree. It had gone through the base of the trunk like a spear! There wasn't too much damage though, just a couple dents, a few scratches, nothing that couldn't be fixed. He picked up a crow bar and stuck it inside the bike though an opening he made in front of the back tire. As he worked the tool around some of the dents started to go back to their original positions. All of his attention was focused on the bike, until he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Get crowbarred, bitch!" Jack shouted, swinging the crowbar into Sebastian's skull. The brothers head turned slightly, but quickly went back to facing him with little to no expression. "Oh shit, it's you. My bad, bro. I thought you were Dale."

"I assumed as much." He replied, "I need a favor."

"You need a favor? Ha! And here I thought we meant so little to you, you fucking ghost."

"Will you assist me or badger me, either way you will not get much of a reaction."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. What the hell do you want?"

"I need to, as you say, recharge."

"Oh, fuck. I thought it was gonna be something hard. Alright, simple enough." Jack's arm ignited and with a bit of focus he managed to give off a thick cloud of black smoke which Sebastian's body greedily absorbed. "You all good?"

"That should suffice. You have my thanks, brother."

"You know," Jack started, cutting off his flames, "One of these days I'm gonna teach you how to talk like a normal fucking person."

Sebastian looked at his brother, deciding to humor him. It was the least he could do. "I already know how to talk like a proper dumbass, I picked up on it pretty quickly after living with you. Sorry I can't stick around fire-crotch, but I got shit to do." And with that he vanished, leaving a wide eyed Jack standing in place beside a beaten up motorcycle.

"...Did that motherfucker just burn me? That fucking cunt! You can't burn me! I'm the god damn Phoenix! Get back here!" He shouted, but his words left his mouth in vain as Sebastian was already long gone and focused on more important matters.

Sebastian materialized back at the house and threw off his jacket, leaving him standing completely topless in the house. He clapped his hands and rubbed them together as smoke started to form around him and his body suddenly duplicated, creating clones of himself. With all the energy he had been given he managed to produce nineteen clone, making twenty of them all together. Once that was done, they all looked to each other and nodded, mentally assigning themselves a job in the house. The clones worked very efficiently, mostly due to the fact that their thought patterns worked similar to that of a hive mind. Whenever one of them did something, the rest of them knew. If one of them needed assistance, then the nearest one could run over and help.

A knock at the door alerted several of the clones and thus all of them knew there was someone there. With that in mind, the clone with the least amount left to do ran over and opened the door to see Pinkie and Maud. Pinkie had a bright smile as she started talking a million miles per second while Maud stood there with a slight blush upon seeing Sebastian without his top. Suddenly, Pinkie's voice became clear, "Anyway, after I took care of all of that Maud came over because she couldn't find you. So I talked to the mare and she told me you bought a house and that you were probably there working on it. She was right!"

The clone didn't respond, he merely opened the door further as the original made his way over. Maud's blush deepened as she saw the house full of Sebastian's, all of which were topless and working hard to fix up the house, but her expressionless face did not falter. Once the original was over he tapped the clone's shoulder and it went back to work. "I see. Is the mayor always so willing to give out information like that?" He asked, slightly annoyed the loud-mouthed pony now knew of his residence.

"Not really, but she let's me keep up to date so I can throw surprise parties!" She explained.

"I'm not sure if you recall this, but I despise parties. It's nothing against you, Pinkie. Social gathering just make me uncomfortable. So I would like to ask you to refrain from such activities in my home."

Pinkie didn't like the idea of not throwing him parties, then he would be completely left out while she threw one for everypony else. She would respect his wishes though, it was his house after all..."Okay, I won't throw parties at your house."

"Thank you, Pinkie." Now that the annoying one has been dealt with, he turned his attention to Maud. "You were looking for me, were you not?"

Maud's attention shot from the house's interior back to the original Sebastian in front of her. "Yes, I was. I wanted to let you know that I have finished finished my studies in Rock Science and decided to move to Ponyville."

Pinkie's smile grew as she wrapped her hooves around her sister. "Isn't it great? She'll be staying with me until we can get her a house, but-"

"She can stay with me." Sebastian interrupted, earning him a shocked look from Pinkie. He could tell by the look in Maud's eyes that she was a taken by surprise as well. "I've come to enjoy her company and wouldn't mind it if she stayed here with me." He explained. He did prefer isolation, but Maud was typically quiet and kept to herself a lot of the time. She wasn't like her much more lively and bouncy sister, which made her bearable, but her quite behavior was like his in most ways making the weird relationship they had work out very well. "Would you like to stay here, Maud?"

She looked back at Pinkie who seemed to be excited about thi-
[Wait a second! Were you planning this?]
Maybe just a bit :pinkiesmile:
[You sneaky bitch...well played...]
Ditto to you for setting this up.
[I don't know what you're talking about.]
Oh come on, you filled up a whole house with shirtless Sebastian's just to get Maud hot and bothered.
[You have no proof! Now, I need to get back to the story. So if you don't mind...]

As she looked at Pinkie something told her that this was a good thing and that she should go for it. She nodded at Sebastian, "Yes, I will gladly move in with you."

Sebastian couldn't be too sure, but he could have sworn he saw the faintest smile grace Maud's features. It was a bit weird to see that, as she was usually so emotionless in the face, but it didn't bother him. He stepped to the side to allow the mare into her new home. She found herself almost drooling over all of the clones working on the repairs.

Maud was suddenly shaken out of her mesmerized-like state when something shiny entered her vision. She focused on the object and immediately recognized it as a key. She grabbed the key and held it in her hoof before looking up at Sebastian. "Don't you need this?"

"Keys obsolete to someone with my abilities. Unless this house were to be completely sealed off from the outside to the point where even air couldn't get through, I will always have a way in." He explained, his powers allowed him to slip through pretty much anything. Being able to turn into gas allows that kind of thing.

Maud stared up at him with a strange look in her eye, one he didn't immediately recognize. "Thank you." she said, grabbing his leg and pulling him down to her height so she could hug him.

Sebastian was VERY surprised by her sudden display of affection, but couldn't help but return it. He wrapped his arms around Maud and cooperated in the embrace as the clones continued working on the house, feeling the same warmth building up inside of them that was growing within the original.
Oh my gosh! This is so cute! They're gonna be together forever!!! :pinkiehappy:
[Have I even said whether or not they were officially dating?]
You've implied it a lot.
[I know I've implied it, but I don't remember actually saying it or not.]
Ask for help from the readers, maybe they remember
[I guess I could do that, but I don't think that's completely necessary.]
Why not?
[Cause they can fucking see this! All of it!]
Really!? Even this part!?
[Yeah, even this conversation. They're reading it right now.]
*GASP* :pinkiegasp: Hello bronies! I love you all!!!
[Shush! We're taking up too much time. This chapter is over now, so say goodbye, Pinkie.]
Goodbye, Pinkie! :pinkiehappy:
[Oh my god...]

St. Patrick's Day Special

"Get back here you little green bastard!" Jack shouted at the top of his lungs as he gave chase to the small creature. He had been chasing a very short green stallion with and orange man and beard for well over twenty minutes now.

Unfortunately for the stallion he had a shamrock cutie mark and was wearing a green top hat that day, only further convincing the drunken human chasing him that he was the creature of legend.

Jack was extremely drunk from this mornings round of drinks and was having a pretty uneventful day until he went on a walk through town and spotted what he assumed was the pony version of a leprechaun. Once spotted he started screaming and running after the short stallion like the madman he was.

Shamrock, as the short stallion was called, looked back and yelled for the umpteenth time today. "Just leave me alone, I've done nothing to deserve this!" As he spoke his voice came out with an accent that Jack immediately recognized as being Scottish.

"You can't lie to me! I know what you are! Where's your gold you midget bitch!" He replied, the accent only further convincing him that his drunken suspicions were correct. "Stop running!"

"No!" As Shamrock ran he spotted one of the other humans at a shop just a few feet from him with the pony he recognized as Carrot Top. He ran over and ducked behind the human before pleading to him. "Please, make him stop!"

Tumor looked down at his feet, quickly taking notice to the colt-sized stallion cowering at his feet. "What the actual fuck? Why do you look like a fucking leprechaun?"

Carrot Top looked over at the stallion as well. "Shamrock? What are you doing? Shouldn't you be running the Ponyville Pub?"

"Ponyville has a pub?" Tumor asked, this being completely new information to him. However, before carrot Top could answer, an all to familiar voice rang through their ears.

"You're mine now you magical little cunt!" Jack shouted before leaping into the air to tackle Shamrock, only to be stopped by his brothers hand.

Tumor raised his hand and used his energy manipulating abilities to catch Jack midair and suspend him in place. "What the hell are you doing, you fucking moron?"

"Dude!" Jack yelled, pointing his finger at Shamrock, "Do you not see the fucking leprechaun acting like a bitch at your feet. Grab his ass! He has gold and grants wishes!" He said, all while flailing around like a wet noodle.

Tumor sighed and rubbed his temples. "Okay, firstly; He's not a leprechaun, he's just a midget."

"Hey!" Shamrock complained, feeling sligthly offended at being called such a thing.

Tumor ignored him and continued. "Secondly, have you seen the movie Leprechaun back in our world? A leprechaun would do anything to protect his gold and if he grants your wishes he'll do them in the worst possible way."

Jack though about it for a moment before remembering that movie series. The first ones were fine, but after number two or three they just became very stupid. "Yeah, I remember...KILL THAT LITTLE FUCKER!!!" Now that he was convinced that Shamrock was a tiny homicidal maniac he was more determined to get his hands on him than ever.

"I don't think that helped." Carrot Top commented, part of her feeling like it needed to get it's two cents in before this whole situation continued and likely proceeded to get even worse than it already was.

"No shit." Tumor replied to her comment, wondering what to do with his idiot brother and his stupid drunk ass. Maybe he could get ahold of Twilight and have her come grab him. Just as he was about to reactivate that mental link she made between them he looked down at Shamrock who was still cowering behind him. "Hey, don't you have a bar to run? Get out of here."

"No! Come back!" Jack shouted, attempting to reach out and grab Shamrock as he took off, but failing thanks to his brothers grip. "Imma getcha!"

Shamrock quickly nodded and took off at a speed that should have been impossible for somepony his size.

"And I'm expecting a couple free drinks for this!" He called out to the short stallion before summoning Twilight and explaining the situation via mental link.

Twilight arrived to see Tumor sitting beside a shopping cart, twirling his fingers around and causing Jack body to spin. Jack looked like he was only seconds away from throwing up. The spinning mixed with his intoxication clearly not being a good mix. She trotted over and before long Tumor spotted her, as did Jack.

"Hey Twi," Tumor began, "here's your drunken boy toy. Take good care of him okay." He said with a wink.

Twilight rolled her eyes at Tumor and encased Jack in her magical grip. "Come on, let's get you home."

"You have a crush on me." Jack teased with a light chuckle, making Twilight blush slightly.

As Twilight started her journey back to the castle whilst holding the human in her magic, Jack looked around. It wasn't like he had anything else to do. As he did this he spotted Shamrock standing in an alley just a few feet from him. The short stallion wast staring him down with a smile and mouthed the words You almost had me before flashing a pot of gold and waving his hoof before disappearing into thin air.

Jack stared at the now empty alley with wide eyes. "I fucking knew it! You bitch!"

Author's Note

It's St. Patrick's day, expect grammar errors XP
I apologize for this being short, but it's a holiday and I had to work quick. I'll get started on the next REAL chapter soon Take care guys

What the f**k is this s**t!?

Author's Note

Assisted, edited, and featured with my good friend GameAssassin

What the f**k is this s**t!?

As Tumor flew many miles above Ponyville, he looked down at the little town.; Scouting the area for danger. For he was the Hero of Ponyville. He was their staunch protector, he- "What the fuck are you doing? I'm up here taking a nap."

[Exactly, I'm mocking you because you look like a fucking loser just hovering around up there doing absolutely nothing.]

"And you're sitting at a computer screen doing pretty much he same thing as me."

[No, while you've got you head in the clouds whilst having your brain shut down, which is very stupid by the by, ponies have helicopters, I'm sitting here completely awake and working on a project in an attempt to entertain people.]

"You mean you're sitting here typing out a load of shit because you're so bored and fucked up on your new meds that you feel you have nothing better to do."

[Sweetheart, just because you're mind works similarly to mine, that doesn't mean we're identical.]

"I don't understand what you're getting at."

[In this case I'm kind of like your father and you're my mentally challenged son.]

"Who the fuck are you calling mentally challenged, small-dick wonder?"

[You're one to talk about small, last time I checked I never included even the slightest description of your genitals, which in turn technically means that you don't have any.]

"How about I hop out of this screen and beat the fuck out of you and you're little boyfriend GameAssassin!"

[And like that, I have an Idea.]

What, you gonna sit their with your thumb up you ass to help relive the...butt.....hurt....What's with the colored text? I thought that only happened when-

It's a special occasion so shut your ugly mouth

And just what are you planning to-

*Poof*...Aw, what the fuck is this?! I was winning!

Winning what?

Mortal Kombat

DUDE! Do you have the new one?

Can someone please explain what the fuck is going on here!?

Right, sorry. Tumor, this is GameAssassin; Game, tumor.

Leach Boy! How's it going buddy? Been a good little bitch for Lord Evil lately?

*You son of a-* Charged and energy pulse and unleashes it GameAssassin.*

*The pulse is reflected off of him and sent back at Tumor*

*Is struck by the blast and sent backwards, as he is unable to drain any sort of energy originating from him. He lands on his back with a grunt* What the hell!?

Probably should have mentioned this, now that my buddy game is here, he has his own little abilities, a mirror effect.

A mirror effect?

Yeah, whatever you throw at him is basically reflected back at you, dip shit.

Oh really? *Climbs back to feet, his hands glowing bright red as he readied himself.* Let's see his ass reflect this! *Throws arms back as his arms begin to shine brightly up to his shoulders* Ka-me-ha-me-ha motherfucker! *Both ars launch forward, firing one large red beam of energy at them*

And forth wall! *Poof* [Fuck you, bitch]

*Sigh* *Holds up arm, reflecting the beam upward and angling it downward until it comes into contact with Tumors head*

Is stuck with his own intense energy blast and is forced several yard backwards, this time slamming into a tree* ...ow...fuck!....

*Poof* Well damn...Way to be! *Fist bump*

*Fist bump*

*Pulls himself off of the ground and starts walking back*

You really are slow, aren't you. No wonder Sebastian seems to have more common sense; Hell, even Jack can craft a hog out of this underdeveloped world.

*Stops and waits* What the fuck? Why isn't my drain working!?

He has a mirror effect; Do I have to fucking spell it out for him. Whatever you throw at him will be reflected back at you. When you do that you two would basically be draining each other while restoring yourselves at the same time. That power is completely negated.

I've had enough of this! *Raises fist to throw a punch*

Sit the fuck down! *Conjures residual energy from the previous attacks, using them to send a sonic boom at Tumor*

*Is once again blasted back, this time hitting the ground instantly and making a large crater-like line in the ground beneath them stretching almost half a mile*...fuck...

Get Rekt!

*Get's back to his feet and charges*

You might wanna duck *Drops to the ground*

Why?

Just trust me

*Drops*

*Waits for Game to reach the ground before swinging a wooden bat at Tumor's head.*

*The bat breaks as it makes contact with Tumors skull and he collapses, unconscious.*

*Throws down arms, flexing as he lets out a VERY audible battle cry.*

What's with the bat?

Insurance

Insurance

Insurance?

Eeyup.

Okay? Anyway, what's up Jack? How you doing?

I'm cool man, just saw you guys having some issues with this motherfucker, thought I'd help out.

Seems legit

Good enough

Precisely...hey, you guys wanna dump his body in the swamp?

FUCK YEAH!!!

-After wrapping Tumor in a carpet, our heroes were off to froggy bottom bog where the would dump the body of Jack's brother-

One three, okay? One...*swing* Three!
-They all release the rug-wrapped conduit and let him fall into the water-

Wow, that was actually pretty fun!

Good to know that you find committing crimes and covering up a murder entertaining you sick bastard

Yeah, what the fuck's wrong with you?

But he can't die!

Yes he can, I know, I made him.

So you're saying we killed him?

No, I'm saying that being underwater is killing him

Oh shit, if he dies that fucking explosion is gonna happen again

...oh shit!
[And we're gonna end this part of the story with a cliffhanger then completely ignore it because I'm just that much of an asshole. Hope you all are enjoying, sorry for late posts I'm going through some medical shit and I might need to go to the hospital for a bit. Deuces Bitch!]

Those that change us...

"What the hell is a Special Sompony?" Tumor asked in a confused manner. He still hadn't completely figured out how the lingo here worked, seeing how most of it was dumbed down as if he were living in a children s cartoon.

Carrot Top was a bit taken back by his reply, she was at least hoping for a straight answer, but instead he just asked her what she meant. "I wanted to know if we could make our little relationship official." She explained, wearing a nervous smile on her face.

Holy shit, he thought to himself. This woman is looking for a commitment. Instinctively his brain demanded he say no, but when he opened his mouth the words didn't seem to come out. It was like something was keeping him from saying what he wanted. Maybe it was the wrong answer. He took a minute to think about it.

The silence was eating her alive and she was silently praying he would give her the answer she so desperately desired. She wasn't sure why she felt this way about him, but she couldn't help it. The feelings only seemed to get stronger with every passing day and now she felt like they were going to be crushed by the unbearable silence between them.

Tumor took a deep breath before finally deciding on an answer. "Fuck it, why not."

Not exactly the way she wanted to hear it, but for him that translated to yes, so her excitement finally exploded. She practicaly lunged herself over the table and forced him into an embrace. "Thank you,thank you so much!"

Tumor looked around the room, once again all eyes were on them. "Sweetheart, you're starting to attract a little bit of everyone attention." She didn't seem to care so he jumped to the next best thing. That being to raise his middle finger at all who watched them and mouthing the words Fuck Off.

"So, you think you can help me out Rare?" Jack asked after finishing his order.

She was silent for a moment as she looked over the actually rather expertly sketched clothing he requested. "It will be a challenge, with your stature and what not. But, I am more than up to face it. I just need to get your measurements and we can get started."

Jack stood up straight and tall as Rarity levitated a role of measuring tape over and stretched it across his limbs.

As she collected the length of his body and wrote them down she imagined his appearance in the new attire he requested. "I must say that I think I will prefer this new look you're going for over the one you have now."

"What's wrong with the look I have now?" He asked somewhat offendedly.

"Well, first off the red color of your pants are heavily faded, not to mention they look two sizes too big for you. Your shirt is filthy and just because you have a muscle tone doesn't mean you should go around showing it off like you're some sort of brute. That doesn't exactly earn you a very positive judgment."

"Well fuck those assholes, they can judge me all they want. I don't give a shit."

"Then why are you looking to change so much?" She asked curiously. If he wasn't doing this for the public eye then what was he doing it for?

He thought for a moment, "I'm not completely sure, somethings just been nagging me for the last couple of days that it's time for a change. I figured this would be as good a thing as any."

She hummed to herself as she listened to him, "Well, if I might make a suggestion, you could also do something with your hair." She commented, watching him reach up and run his fingers through the discolored rats nest on his head. "Your roots are showing quite heavily and a here in Equestria we have this thing called a hairbrush. I would recommend investing in one." Rarity walked over to a nearby table, levitating several fabrics to her and getting started on his order.

Jack looked in a nearby mirror. She was right, his hair was a mess and his blonde roots were making themselves known beneath the shitty black colored disaster. He looked like he hadn't showered in days too...which was kind of true. "Rarity, do you mind if I use your shower?" He asked, suddenly starting to feel a bit self-conscious about his appearance.

"Of course dear. It's upstairs. help yourself to whatever you need." Thank Celestia he asked, she was heavily debating on whether or not she needed to take him outside and spray him with the hose.

"...Also, what do you know about cutting hair?"

Finishing repairs on the house was fairly easy with all of the Sebastian clones working in relative harmony with each other. In a matter of hours the house looked brand new and the clones all turned to smoke, flowing back into the original that stood in the living room, scanning the house with his eyes and making sure everything seemed to be in place. "I believe this should be adequate. Now all that's left is to purchase furnishings. Then this place can be a proper home."

Before he could continue his thoughts he felt a slight tugging on his pant leg, prompting him to look down at the naked mare by his feet. "Hello, Sebastian." Maud said in her usual emotionless tone.

"Maud, it's unlike you to be so under-dressed. Is the room to hot for your liking?" He asked with a genuine concern for her comfort.

"No, in fact I just figured since you were being so open about your body that I could do the same."

He quickly examined his body, completely forgetting that he was completely topless. He had been so busy working it had slipped his mind that he had tossed his jacket aside. "I guess that is understandable. However, I feel I would need to bathe soon. The work from today has left me with a rather unclean feeling."

Maud grabbed Sebastian's leg and forced him down to his knees. Once he was at her level she rose to her hind legs and forced him down with her forehooves. "Maybe I want you to be dirty."

"This is quite the change in character for you, my dear. Are you ill?" He asked, wanting to make sure that what she was doing was truly in her best interest.

"You brought me into a house full of clones of you, it's been getting me rather excited since I came in this morning." She explained, before licking up the side of his neck. "Not to mention how your wonderful figure seemed to glisten the more you worked. You've been unintentionally teasing me all this time."

[Okay, this is about to get weird, let's leave them alone...How about we go see what Tumor is doing? Yeah, that'll be good.]

Derpy buried her head into her pillows, doing her best to down out the sounds of aggressive coitus coming from just across the hall. "This has been going on for hours, sheesh how do they survive?" She grumbled to herself. She eventually found her room completely noiseless, allowing her to both sigh in relief and contently drift back to sleep. [You're welcome, you adorable bastard. If only she knew that they wouldn't be done for another couple of minutes. Oh well, the poor girl needs a break.]

*Waits*

Tumor exited the bedroom, leaving a now exhausted Carrot Top to plummet into dream land and sneaking away to the outside world. He took a deep breath of the fresh air. It was weird how things here seemed to be settling down and how his life was improving as time rolled by. Part of him felt bored because of this, but another part was enjoying it, it was happy that things seemed to be going back to normal. Like how they were before the blast, before the beast, and before Cole. Minus the whole colorful horses and magic and shit, it was like he was human again and living in his parents house with little to nothing to worry about.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as he saw a ball of fire shoot into the air and dive toward Twilight's castle. "What the hell are you doing you fucking hot-head?" He asked himself before deciding to fly over and see what was up.

Tumor walked into the castle, looking around for any sign of his brother. Finding nothing he figured the next best thing to do was to look for Twilight. He found her in the kitchen getting a late night snack. Some sort of weird vegetable sandwich.

"Hey, Twi," He began, making her yelp and jump slightly, "did you see Jack come in?"

Twilight put a hoof to her chest and started panting. "Sweet Celestia, Tumor. Haven't you ever heard of knocking. You scared the living daylights out of me. No, I haven't. Why?"

"I saw him headed this way, figured I'd see what he was up to since everyone at my place is dead asleep." He explained.

"Last I heard he was at Rarity's, said he needed something made."

"Oh...you think he decided drop the whole fucking clown thing and look normal for once?"

Twilight did her best to stifle her laughter, but was finding difficulty in it. "Hey, don't be mean. He dresses however he..." Twilight's face suddenly turned to one of shock as she stared pass Tumor.

Tumor found her behavior a little odd and turned around only to share her expression. Wide eye'd and slack jawed he stared at his brother in complete and utter shock.

Jack stood only inches behind his brother donning something way too new for his brother psyche to bear. He had on a pair of brand new black running shoes and fighting gloves, covering his legs were a pair of well fitting blue jeans, his torso donned a clean black sleeveless shirt and a uniform fit black leather jacket which he left unbuttoned. They could have looked at those with only minor issues, but the real kicker was his hair. All of the black had been shaved off, leaving him with short blond hair that looked almost gold in the light.

"I see your mouths are open, but I don't see a cock in them. Seems like a self-defeating purpose if you ask me." Jack quickly said, wanting to get his insult in before whatever verbal hell they were going to unleash came to light.

"what the fuck are you wearing?" Tumor asked, "You look like some wannabe Eminem, you faggot."

"First you don't like the clown suit and now you're gonna talk shit about this?" Jack asked, tightening his fists.

"At least that didn't make you look like a fucking poser." Tumor was suddenly met with his brothers powerful fist slamming into the side of his head, causing him to fall to the ground slightly dazed.

After recollecting her thought Twilight walked over to Tumor, leaning down to his side so she would be in his line of sight. "You kind of deserved that."

"Fuck you, book horse." Tumor replied, placing a hand to the side of his face where a small bit of blood had been drawn, which told him that his brother was wearing rings beneath that glove. Keep that in mind, he mentally demanded.

Twilight moved from Tumor's side to Jack, looking up at him with a slight blush on her face. "I think you look very handsome, Jack."

Jack looked down at the friendship princess with a smile. "Thanks, book horse."

[Questions Answered] (3)

Alright everypony, it's that time! Let's get this show on the road.
Finally! Let's get this shit over with.
Don't be such a jerk. Lord Evil, holy crap it's weird to say that, let's get started
Sounds good. Now before we start I just want to let everyone know that I went through the question and some of them were...long. So I summarized some of the questions. So, Twilight, here's the new and improved list of questions. *Hold out list*
*Levitates in front of her* Okay then. It looks like we only had three ponies who asked questions this time.
It would seem that our popularity has sunk a bit.
Don't be so negative, if anything other probably just haven't caught up.
Or, you just suck at writing and should let us just disappear.
...
Now let's not jump to conclusions. Just because some ponies didn't ask questions that doesn't mean the story is any less popular. I'm sure your story is fine author.
Whatever, just read the damn questions.
Okay then. Amethyst Blade asked; Twilight, are you hot and bothered by Jack's new appearance? *Blushes* uh...Do you want to hold him do-*Intense Blushing*...Do we have to do this right now? I mean-
I'll read it; Twilight, are you hot and bothered by Jack's new appearance? Do you want to hold him down? Have your way with him? Or have him hold you down? I'm not gonna judge. I heard an alicorns stamina is quite legendary. Well, sweetheart, let's hear it.
I-I-I uh...I definitely like the way he dresses now. It's very nice and makes him look much more approachable, but...C-can I just skip the rest? I'm not really comfortable answering these...
Yeah, sure.
Phew...
For now
*Meep*
Next question, same guy. This one goes out to Jack; Jack, when will you admit that you have the hots for Twilight? You are being very tsundere, you know. The princess' land is in need of a little ploughing before seeds could be planted. And you are the plough.
...I'm sorry, but what the fuck?
Well, tsundere is an anime thing about people who are usually cold and hostile towards others but start to warm up once you get to know them. However, I have no idea what he means by plough.
How about all of you get the fuck off of my back about this. Twilight and I aren't a thing, I don't have feelings for her, fuck off!
*Internal Depression Activated*
*Snicker*
What's so fucking funny?
Amethyst went of to say that if you need sex advice, you should ask the princesses. But here's what really got me; Of course you two will need safe words and a little planning so your first time will be remembered with fondness. Yes, I know you are a virgin loser, Jack. That is a big reason why you object to your brothers having sex with the ponies.
Ahahahahahaaa, oh my- oh my god, that's fucking great!
*Giggles Inwardly*
All of you can go fuck yourselves
Although the thought is quite humorous, allow me to add a quick fact about Jack. Jack was much more of a ladies man back in our world.
I've bedded more women than you could dream up, Amethyst. I don't have sex with animals because it's fucking weird.
No, but every girl that slept with you must have had some low standards. I mean, you may not like having sex with animals, but they clearly did.
Holy shit!
Shots fired!
BURN!!!
Fuck you guys, I'm out of here.
You can be gone for the rest of your life after this Q & A, but right now you sit your ass down.
I'm sorry, what?
I'll talk more about it later. For now let's finish this. Amethyst's last question goes out to Tumor. He asked, in the simplest of forms; Do you use protection while banging Carrot Top?
Why the fuck would I do that?
We are two completely different species.
We couldn't have a kid even if we wanted to.
Say that now...
What was that?
I didn't say shit. Moving on! Next set of questions comes from Akumabrony. Oh my god, that profile pic makes me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack! They asked; Lord Evil, how long have you been a fan of the show? P.S. Love the story. Well I'm glad you love the story, but I'm not sure how long it is that I've been a fan. I know I first watched it shortly after season three was finished and from that point on I dove right into the fandom. So feel free to do the math on your own if you will.
The next one he sadi isn't a question, but it goes out to Twilight. He said, muffin...button...
Muffin button?
Muffin button!
I don't get it...
You don't need to, we do. Next is...oh god. Akumabrony is challenging Jack and Tumor. Says; I bet y'all can't go a full day without swearing.
Nope
Alrighty then. Next set of questions come from...why the fuck am I reading this? You take it back!
Fine. The next set of questions comes from GameAssassin. He asks; Twi: what do you fill your time with these days? Noticing a drop in weird stuff in Ponyville and that just can't happen, it's not meant to be in ponyville. Well, lately I've just been doing some small time royal duties as well as watching over our mutual bipedal friends to make sure they don't get into trouble. Trust me though, there is no shortage of strangeness in this town. I mean, Pinkie still lives here.
Don't say her name!
Why not?
She might hear you...she disturbs my forth wall and I refuse to let her continue doing so.
...I guess I can understand that. The next question goes out to Jack, he says; Nice new look, brah...What's a-
Don't worry about it.
...Anyways, hows the hog? Take Twi on any more rides??? If so, how many?
The bikes fine, just a little beat up. Nothing I can't fix though. Twilight and I go out for rides every now and again, but I've had to cut back because we keep getting noise complaints.
They never end...it sucks...
Yeah...next!
Game goes on to ask Mr. Evil himself; What did you think of my first chapter? Second, What else do you have in store for the twins and Sebastian, as well as twi and the rest of them?
Well, sadly I haven't gotten to read your story yet. I'm usually too caught up in either work, doctor visits, or trying to update this to ever have enough free time to catch up on all of my reading. As for my plan...We'll get to that.
Next question goes out to Sebastian; What have you and Maud been up to after you finished your house? Also how do you stand your brothers without ringing the life from them?
Maud and I have a...mutual standing within our home. As for my brothers, believe it or not they weren't always like this. They used to be decent people with goals, dreams, and ambitions. It wasn't until shortly after they got their powers that they changed.
Really now? So what you're saying is-
No, we're not doing anything like that. Again, things are complicated. I'll explain later. Twilight.
This one goes to Carrot Top; Carrot, when's the darn wedding? We all know IT'S GONNA happen.
We are not getting married!
Leave us alone! We haven't even known each other for that long.
Last question!
Last question goes to Tumor; How'd you like a taste of your own medicine bro?
What the hell is he talking about.
Don't worry about it.
Stop saying that.
Author, didn't you have something you wanted to say?
I do. I'm sorry to say this but due to personal issues as well as failing expectations I'm going to be canceling this story.
WHAT???
Yeah, I know it's kind of random and just out of nowhere, but this story wasn't even meant to go this far. It was meant to stop after the first couple chapters. Not only that, but I don't feel like it's getting the attention it deserves. So why even bother anymore? Plus I'm always so busy with work and constantly getting nagged at by doctors and working on putting my life together, I just don't have the time to keep this up.
Dude, you can't just fucking cancel us!
We have lives here now! What are you going to do, just throw us out and forget about us?
Will you play it off as if we never even existed?
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
But if you do that then what happens to us?
Yeah!
Well, quite simply, you'll cease to exist. Time here will stop moving and stand completely still, but if I delete the story then you will all be gone forever.
You can't just fucking do that! This is bullshit!
It's not right!
Watch me...

-CANCELED-

Author's Note

April fools, you dumb motherfuckers! HA, like I'd cancel this story. I love it way too much to do something like that. I'll see y'all in the next chapter. Deuces Bitch!

Interesting developments

It's a beautiful day in Ponyville; The sun is out and bright, not a cloud in the sky, allowing it to shine down on a small but very comfortable looking cottage. One that stood big enough to house several ponies and even had a carrot garden in the backyard. Inside this house you would find two ponies and one very familiar/annoying human.

"Dang it..." Carrot sighed out, the boredom filling her becoming almost overwhelming, letting her body sink into the chair she was sitting in. "What the hay is there to even do today?" She asked no one in particular. It was more of a rhetorical question to the universe.

Derpy's ears perked up and she raised her head from the magazine she was reading. "Well, you could always read a book. That's what you usually do."

"But reading sounds so boring. It's just looking at words and interpenetrating them just to forget what you just saw like twenty minutes later." She said in response to Derpy's comment.

Derpy eyed Carrot Top for nearly a minute, taking in what she had just said. She used to love reading, it was her favorite way to pass the time. "I swear, you are becoming more and more like Tumor every day."

Carrot Top's head immediately turned toward Derpy, her eyes fixating on those of the Pegasus beside her. "I am not becoming like Tumor, we are two completely different...things. I'm just bored, that's all."

Tumor walked down the stairs, only hearing the part of the conversation where his mare-friend claimed that she was bored. "What; are you gonna go out on the street and suck some dick?"

The two ponies looked over at Tumor in shock, both from his sudden appearance and his vulgar comment. Carrot Top blinked twice before simply replying, "No."

"Well I guess I'll go without you." Tumor said, sliding on his vest and walking over to the door. Before Carrot Top had the chance to catch up to him and ask him to wait he was already several hundred feet into the sky.

"Damn..." Carrot Top muttered to herself. She was really hoping to talk with him before he ran off. Well, so much for that.

"When are you going to tell him the big news?" Derpy asked her friend. She was a bit excited about what was about to happen, but at the same time afraid of how Tumor would react.

"I guess it'll just have to wait until he gets back..."

Jack sat comfortably in the throne room of Twilight's castle, sipping out of his flask every couple of minutes, allowing both his body and mind to relax. With Twilight's help he managed to find a shop that sold his favorite drink, Bourbon; and in the short moments of his knowing of its existence, he has become well-too-acquainted with it.

With his mind a bit fuzzy and his body a bit wobbly, he rose out of the chair, stumbling slightly as he did so before making his way to Twilight's room. In his drunken state he had been thinking about her non-stop, but he didn't know why. Eventually his mind settled on visiting her in her chambers.

Upon entering the room he was met with the purple alicorn doing what she loves most, reading. However, she didn't even notice him at all. He knew when she was reading the world around her practically didn't exist; he also knew how to change that.

In one motion Jack lifted his arm and swung it across Twilight's desk, knocking over all of her quill holders and ink bottles. Luckily, for her at least, the ink bottles were still sealed and didn't spill all over the place.

Twilight yelped and turned to see the intoxicated human before letting out a heavy sigh. Sometimes the stuff he did just got on her nerves. Yeah, she liked him, allot, but she didn't like that he was constantly drinking. "What do you want, Jack?" She asked, whilst magically putting all of her stuff back onto the desk in their proper spots.

Jack stumbled toward the alicorn, causing her to lean away from him slightly. When he was about a foot away from her he stopped and looked down at the purple mare. "Do you ever lay awake at night and wonder what it would be like to die in a fire?"

Her eyes widened; why was he asking something like this to her. Was he mad and planning to kill her, or find some way of hurting himself...wait a minute. "Her head turned to face the now grinning human who seemed to be trying so hard to not laugh at her. "Ha, ha, very funny." She mockingly stated.

Jack let himself laugh a bit before continuing his conversation with her, kind of. "You know I can die in fire, was wrong with you?" Jack collapsed to his knees and leaned forward, letting his body rest on Twilight's back. "Hello, friend."

Twilight couldn't help but blush slightly, the feeling of Jack's warm body pressing up against hers was- No, snap out of it Twilight. Don't let your imagination get the better of you. "Hello, Jack. What are you doing?"

"I'm laying on your back."

"I see that, but why?"

"Because I've lost control of my life."

"Okay?"

The two remained in place for several silent seconds before jack came up with, what he thought was, the most glorious idea. "Hey, book horse. We should go lay down."

"Go lay down?" Twilight looked at the clock, it read three-thirty. "We're not even half way through the day. Why would we go lay down?"

"Because then we can cuddle without my knees hurting."

"What?"

Before Twilight could get an answer, Jack's arms wrapped around her midsection and she was lifted into the air. As the human basically hugged the alicorn from behind to hold her up, he turned around and carried her away, exiting the room they were in. Twilight was too shocked by the sudden predicament she was in to say or do much of anything.

She wanted to question him and even thought about stopping him, but she eventually decided upon just accepting her fate. Besides, it wasn't like she didn't want to be cuddled by him. To be wrapped in his strong arms, her face being pulled into his chest, their-

[Seriously, Twilight! What the fuck is wrong with you!? Are you in heat?]

Tumor walked through the castle doors, being bored with walking around town. He had been at it for almost an hour and he couldn't find anything to do. So, he figured that the next best thing would be to go visit his brother. Even if they just sat there and argued back and forth, it would still be more entertaining than doing literally nothing else.

He had more than what it would take to fly off to some other part of this land, but he didn't feel like going that far just to find something to do. Besides, he liked it here in Ponyville, it was nice.

Where he came from it was constant chaos and bullshit, here it was quite and the most obnoxious thing here was him. That, he can live with.

Tumor walked about the castle, checking every other room and calling out his brother's name. Upon walking over and entering his Jack's bedroom, he was met with the sight of Jack laying on his bed with a familiar purple alicorn wrapped in his arms and curled up against his chest.

Twilight, having heard the door open, looked up to see Tumor. She was heavily debating that she demand his departure, [Wow, that's a tongue twister] but settled on just shrugging his appearance off and nuzzling back into Jack's body.

Tumor ran his fingers through his hair and took a breath. This was starting to get annoying. "Will you both just come out of the god damn closet and fuck already; Jesus Christ."

He slammed the door shut and exited the castle. He was so fed-up with how Jack and Twilight clearly had a thing for each other but neither of them were admitting it. Yes, Jack's a bit weirded out by the whole species gap thing and Twilight was just nervous, but for fuck sake!

Well, if those two are just gonna keep fucking around in the most boring way ever then he might as well move on to find someone else to bother. Maybe Sebastian isn't too busy.

One quick energy pulse to the ground later and he was right above his brother's house. It was a cozy looking little house, probably only big enough to fit two people though. Then again, Sebastian always preferred seclusion, so it's understandable.

Tumor landed hard just in front of the house and opened the door. However, before he could even cross the frame of the door he stopped as he was met with his brothers face coming down from the ceiling. This sudden appearance caused Tumor to jump back and let out a less-than-manly yelp.

Sebastian, with his feet firmly pressed to his own ceiling, stared down his brother who was so rudely about to enter his home without permission. Courtesy in his family truly had died long ago. "Can I help you, brother?"

The energy conduit took a moment to compose himself before replying. "Yes, you can start by standing with your feet on the ground. You know, like how normal people do. Secondly, I'm bored and I need you to entertain me."

Entertain him? He must not have heard the news yet. He figured that Tumor would have come here to rant and blow off some steam, but clearly he was clueless. "Have you spoken to Carrot Top today?"

Tumor was a bit confused as to why his brother had asked him this and his expression showed it. "Not really. Why do you ask?"

"Go talk to her." And with that Sebastian slammed the door.

Tumor, who was standing just a bit too close, recoiled and grabbed his nose. Motherfucker slammed the literally right on his face. He could feel a small wave of blood running down his face. He looked at his hand and down at his shirt which now has a bunch of red dropps on it. "Motherfucker!"

Tumor walked back to Carrot Top's place. His bloody nose had stopped just seconds after it had started, being a conduit does that kind of shit; but he still had blood going down his face, on his hands, and all over his shirt. Mostly because that's where he wiped his hands. He made it to the cottage door and opened the door only to be greeted with the sound of somepony upstairs throwing up.

He wasn't exactly sure how to feel about it, but figured he might as well go investigate. He ascended the stair and entered the upstairs bathroom to find Derpy sitting by the toilet with Carrot Top's head resting on the bowl. "What the fuck?"

Derpy was the first to turn and face the conduit standing by the door. "Hi Tumor!" She said rather excitedly. He found it weird that Derpy seemed so upbeat when her friend looked like hell. Her features suddenly dropped as she noticed the dried blood decorating his body. "What happened to you?"

"Is she alright?" He asked, pointing a finger at Carrot Top, also ignoring Derpy's question. Her mane was a mess and she had dark rings under her eyes. Shit, she looked like she ate some bad sushi while pulling an all niter at her alcoholic uncle's house...Not pleasant memories.

Before Derpy could Reply, Carrot Top started heaving again and Tumor just kind of left. He figured that if there was anyone meant for a job like that, it was the ever-so-pleasant and supportive Derpy.

Tumor made his way back down the stairs and into the main room where he took a seat on the couch, lifted his legs up, and closed his eyes. He wasn't going to bed or anything like that, just taking a moment to chill out and relax. Probably should have done this rather than running around all over the place with many failed results.

After drifting off for about an hour he was woken up by the feeling of something very moist touching his face. When he opened his eyes he saw Carrot Top standing over him with a rag, wiping the blood from his face. She looked...good. Like she hadn't been sick at all. "Hey there pukey, how you holding up?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Carrot Top replied, reaching the rag over to a small bucket of water that Derpy was holding. After dipping it and straining the now red stained water out of it, she continued to wipe the conduit's face.

"You know, I could have just jumped in the shower. Probably would have made this a lot easier."

"Probably, but you looked so cute while you were sleeping." Carrot Top smiled and kissed the bridge of Tumor's nose. He found her extremely cutesy behavior to be a bit unnerving. "Also, I have something I wanted to tell you."

Tumor nodded. "Which would be..."

Carrot Top seemed a bit nervous, however, the grey Pegasus standing not even a foot away looked like she was about to explode. The earth pony took a breath and finally told him what she needed to get off of her chest. "I'm pregnant."

"..."

She stared down at Tumor who's entire body seemed to have frozen in time. "Tumor? Are you okay?"

"......"

Author's Note

Hey guys, sorry for not updating for so long. I got a little too caught up in the new story I've been writing. That and I've been busy trying to get shit together for work. Hopefully this makes up for it, doubt it will, but I don't care :P

Romance, passion, and fighting

"Cock juggling thunder cunt!"

"Jack, language!" Twilight shouted. His mouth was beginning to become a bit of a problem. If he wasn't swearing, he was drinking. Either way, their needed to be a change.

"English, bitch! It fucking hurt!" He yelled, holding one of his feet as he bounced up and down. He wasn't exaggerating in the slightest bit, stubbing your toe hurts more than being hit by a car...going the wrong way...at ninety miles an hour...through the mid-town tunnel...by a guy who can't speak a lick of English. "Those were the days, man..."

Twilight tilted her head in confusion at his random statement. She wanted to question it, but after thinking about both it and what kind of person she was speaking to, she came to the conclusion that it would be best to just ignore it. "Well, you really need to learn how to tone down your swearing."

"Why? Since when did it become a fucking problem?" If she really had a problem with it he figured that she should have brought it up sooner. He still probably wouldn't bother even trying to stop, but still; It's the principle.

"It's always been a problem, I just thought that maybe once you were starting to settle in that you would tone down a bit." The idea of him toning down wasn't all on her though, she did ask Carrot Top for advice a while back. Those words came from her...and Derpy. To Twilight's knowledge, Tumor had calmed down a bit. But aside from his appearance, Jack hasn't changed much at all.

"I will never change!" What in the hell made her think that he was going to change? Whatever she started smoking is clearly no good for her...and she needs to share.

There was a moment of hesitation for Twilight here. Should she try to help him for the better, or just let it go. For a brief moment she was going to settle for the latter, but that wasn't going to happen this time around. If he was going to continue to live here then he was going to have to go by her rules.

"I'm sorry, Jack. But if you're staying in my castle, then you're going to have to start going by my rules. I've let your behavior slide since you were new here at first, but you've been here for months now and you still act like some sort of..." She wasn't sure what she was going to say after that, anything she could come up with may come out as offensive.

"Animal..." He finished for her, making his own assumption to what she was going to say. "Is that what you were going to say?" He walked over to the purple alicorn as he asked this, leaning down so he was almost to her level. "Because I'm pretty sure that's what you wanted to say."

This was bad, he didn't look too happy and the room was starting to feel noticeably warmer. Yes, that had been one of the words that came to mind, but she knew better because of Jack's temper. No, no this wasn't going to happen again. She wasn't going to back down just because he got upset.

She had to be strong, firm, and assertive. That was the only way she was going to win against him. "Perhaps, but maybe ponies wouldn't make that assumption if you stopped acting like some sort of degenerate."

"Sweetheart, if you're looking for a fight, you're about three fucking seconds from one. So better watch who you're-" Jack didn't get the chance to finish his sentence thanks to one of Twilight's hooves smacking him across the face.

She didn't want to do it, but she had to. The only way to get across to people as stubborn as Jack was to speak in a way that they would understand. His way of understanding being physical violence. All she could do was hope that it would be enough for him to see just how serious she was.

Jack slowly turned his head toward her, letting her see a small trickle of blood work its way down his lip; the girl has one hell of a hit. Before she could apologize Jack lunged at Twilight, tackling her to the ground and pinning her beneath him. "Now you fucked up!" He yelled, raising a fist in the air, ready to strike.

Twilight reacted quickly and blasted him with a beam of magic, sending his body flying several feet from hers. She took advantage of the small window of time she had to get back up and ready herself.

The conduit hit the floor with a thud, but maneuvered his body so that he would be able to somersault back into a standing position. Once he was up his arms ignited, coating themselves in flames and he charged.

Once again, jumping back to her magic, Twilight created a barrier around her, making getting to her extremely difficult to the flaming human attacking her. It didn't stop him from trying though.

Jack swung his fists at the barrier, cracking it just a little bit with every hit. Using a mixture of his physical strength and the strength he got from his powers, he delivered the final blow to the barrier, causing it to shatter instantly.

Enough was enough. Twilight gripped the raging conduit in her magic and began slamming him against any and all nearby surfaces. Each time his body would hit a wall it would crack on impact, making him grunt and from the pain. When she was done she held him to the highest point of the castle and let him drop face first to the floor.

Twilight was breathing heavily, doing all of this was actually pretty tiring, however, she had more important things to focus on rather than fatigue. She made her way to Jack, who was laying still on the floor, stopping just inches away from him. "Had enough?" She asked between breaths.

Jack placed both of his hands firmly on the floor and pushed himself up so he would be sitting on his knees. His eyes locked on to hers and just stayed there. Never had anyone ever managed to fight him like that. Hell, a lot of people didn't have the nerve to, even his brothers, his own flesh and blood, didn't have the balls to take him on in a real fight.

He leaned closer to Twilight and quickly grabbed her horn, knowing this was a bit of a weakness for the magic wielders . She started to struggle against his grip, but to no avail. He pulled her closer to him and didn't stop until their lips met.

Twilight's eyes widened at the sudden display of affection. For the longest time Jack had said that being with another species was wrong, that he was against it, that he and Twilight would never be a thing. Yet, here he was, turning their literal fight into a rather aggressive make-out session.

It had finally happened, Jack finally found what he was looking for. All his life he had practically recycled women, moving on from one girl to the next. None of them ever seemed to work, none of them were ever good enough for his tastes, but none of them knew why.

The truth was that they were weak. Not a sing one of the women he had been with could ever put up a real fight. They could talk a big game and say they would, but then they would do nearly anything to avoid it.

He even used to ask them to fight with him, but was forced to stop after not even a few seconds because everything he did hurt. Yeah, it's a fight, it's gonna fucking hurt! But Twilight did things none of them could. Not once did she cry out in pain, not once did he have the chance to get a hit on her, and finally, she had actually managed to hurt him.

With this new found discovery, he planned to-

His thoughts, as well as any that Twilight was having, that along with the aggressive oral embrace, was suddenly interrupted as the Castle doors opened up. Once they were opened they revealed two ponies on the other side. The first one to catch their attention was a pink alicorn with a very colorful mane and some sort of crystal heart cutie mark. The second was a strong looking white unicorn with a shield cutie mark.

Twilight suddenly beamed with excitement and pulled away from Jack, running over to greet the two ponies who had literally just shown up. "Cadence! Shining! It's so good to see you."

Author's Note

Tumor is still grounded for making the last part possible...

Family matters...kind of

Author's Note

Sorry if things here seem kind of rushed halfway in, my mind was working faster than my fingers. Also, the comedy dies down a bit and we get to know a little more about Jack's past. Feels may or may not happen

Family matters...kind of

This was the moment, that magical moment in every new couple's lives that would determine just how much further the relationship would go. It would be hard, but hope was still there. As the two gazed at each other they attempted to read the features of the other. Jack, staring into the bright shining face of the stallion who was revealed to be Twilight's brother, Shining Armor. And Shining, staring into the brightly colored abyss that was Jack's furious eyes.

As they watched each other in silence the two mares, Cadence and Twilight, could do naught but watch them. Shining took a breath and held out a hoof with a smile, better to be a man and show the conduit that there was no reason to be uncomfortable. "It's nice to meet you, I'm Shining Armor. How are you?"

Jack watched the hoof reach out to him, he could tell already that he wasn't going to like this guy. Here he was putting on a show that would make him look like the approachable big brother. This show would also make it appear that he was comfortable with the humanoid from another world when really he probably wanted nothing to do with him.

Regardless, Jack held out his hand and grabbed Shining's hoof. The sound of sizzling flesh filled the room. The stallion pulled his hoof back after yelping and attempted to shake off the pain. "I'm Jack, or as others might call me, The Phoenix."

Shining was tempted to jump the conduit for burning his hoof, he was sure he did it on purpose, but he kept himself composed after using a bit of healing magic to numb the pain. "It's nice to meet you." He said with a hint of venom in his voice.

Jack did not intentionally burn the stallion, he wasn't complaining that it happened, but it was not on purpose. When it came to people he didn't like his body temperature would shoot up a few hundred degrees. Like a rattlesnake shaking its tail, this was a warning for others not to cross him. "I'm sure it is."

Cadence walked over to her husband, with a look of concern, to aid him in his attempts to fix his hoof. He was a powerful unicorn, but his power was nothing compared to his alicorn bride. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

He smiled at his wife as she helped him. "I'm fine, dear, but thank you." The two gave each other a loving smile before sharing a quick but tender kiss.

The conduit heaved a bit, almost throwing up in his mouth as he watched this. Twilight walked over to Jack. She had learned how to read the signs that his body gave off and she knew he already didn't like her brother, which made her slightly nervous. "Please, Jack. Play nice." She whispered to him. "My brother means the world to me and I'd hate it if you two didn't get along."

He wanted to argue against this so badly, but the mare managed to work him over with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lower lip. He bit down on his tongue hard enough to draw blood before submitting to her. "Fine, but don't expect me to be all buddy, buddy with him."

Twilight smiled and kissed Jack's cheek, burning her lip slightly as she did so. Right, he was still angry. Remember to double check that next time.

"So what happened in here?" Cadence asked as she looked about the wreckage within her sister-in-law's castle. "It looks like you've been hosting Minotaur boxing matches."

They have those? Jack daydreamed a bit of what going to one of those would be like. More importantly, how many matches he would survive. He'd have to try it some time.

"I can help you make repairs if you'd like." The pink alicorn offered, being more than willing to help out.

"Please, Cadence. Don't worry about it, I can take care of it by myself." She assured, but Cadence wasn't having it.

"Nonsense. Let's, you and I, get this place cleaned up. Besides, your brother would like to have a chat with Jack in private."

Twilight looked over to her brother who nodded, confirming that he did wish to speak with Jack. Her nervousness only grew at this. She didn't know what he was going to say or how Jack might respond. All she could really do though was hope for the best as she went with Cadence to do repairs.

Jack looked over at Shining who was beckoning for him to follow. The two walked off down one of the many long hallways in the castle. Once he was sure they were far enough from Twilight, Shining stopped, causing the conduit to follow suit. "Listen, I just want to say that I know there is something going on between you and my sister. I don't know a lot about you so I can't say whether or not I approve of it. Just let it be known that if you hurt my sister, in any way, I will come for you with the whole royal guard at my back."

Shining took his sister's feelings and well-being very seriously, it was his job as a brother, so he wanted to ensure her safety by any means necessary, even if it did mean threatening this thing from another world.

There are many things you should never do in this life if you wish to survive. Don't walk out in the middle of traffic, don't attempt to charge a tornado, don't jump into an oncoming tsunami; but more importantly, do not threaten Jack.

Shining felt the area around grow warm, no not warm, it was getting hot. He could see the heat coming off of the conduit and took a few steps back as it took a few steps forward. "Listen here, Shining Dick-hole. You come after me, or send anyone after me, I will personally see to it that they are disposed of. Sir, you are right, you do not know me. You have no idea that I have literally vaporized thousands of my own species for my own survival, I've created fires strong enough to wiped whole cities off of the face of the planet, and even without my powers I have brutally murdered people with my bare fists."

Jack watched as Twilight's brother's eyes became filled with a mixture of a thousand emotions at once, before continuing his rant. "Sir, this is the one and only thing that'll determine whether or not you live or die, so listen carefully; I fucking dare you to come after me..."

With that Shining took off down the hallway, his body pouring with sweat, which was mostly from the intense heat. As he made his way back to his sister and bride he pointed back toward the hallway that Jack was in. "Twilight, you need to get away from that thing and stay away from him!"

Cadence and Twilight stopped what they were doing and trotted over to Shining. Cadence was the first to question him as Twilight stood still, taking in his worried and angered expression. "Baby, what happened?"

"It doesn't matter; what does matter is that we get Twilight out of here and away from that monster!" Shining said, determined to get his baby sister somewhere safe.

Twilight took offense to Jack being called a monster. Her brother had his opinions of him, but he didn't know Jack like she did. He has no right to speak that way about him. "How dare you call him a monster!" She screamed.

Shining was shocked that she had not only spoken against him, but that she actually yelled at him too. "Twilight, do you not realize what he has done? Just the small things he told me are more than enough to tell me that he is a beast. He kills with little to no remorse. He doesn't care about anything or anypony."

"You're wrong!" She argued. "He cares about me, I'm his best friend. And you know what, I'm actually his marefriend." The couples eyes widened at her words. Cadence knew that she held strong feelings for the conduit, but had no idea that they had actually gone for a title. "He has never done anything to intentionally hurt me, in fact, he has actually protected me! He's saved my flank more than once already. And how can you say he doesn't care about anypony? You don't even know him! He cares about me and about his family."

"Twilight, please, listen to me." Shining begged. "Even a blind stallion can see that he has no love in his heart for anypony. I bet he doesn't even care whether his family were to live or die."

Just as those words left his mouth the castle doors shot open, revealing two other bi-pedal creatures. One of them was holding the other up, while the other looked almost like a corpse.

Twilight turned her attention from her brother to the conduits standing in her doorway. "Sebastian, Tumor?" She quickly analyzed that Sebastian was the one holding Tumor up and worry started to fill her features. "What's going on? Is Tumor okay?"

For the first time ever, Twilight saw an expression on Sebastian's face. It was a mix of worry and sadness. "Twilight, where is Jack? We need him."

Jack walked out from the hallway to see one of his brother's holding up the other. "What the fuck is this?"

Sebastian turned to face Jack, knowing that he was the only one that could help. "Jack, it's Tumor. He's done something to his body, I don't know what to do. Please help!"

Jack pulled off his jacket and threw it to the floor as he walked over and started inspecting Tumor, he was barely even breathing. He couldn't seem to find out what had happened to him until he found a what appeared to be medicine bottles in one of his pockets. He picked up the bottles, all of them with several different names and purposes.

The fire conduit felt his heart skip a beat, his brother had taken a shit-load of drugs for some reason. Conduits heal fast, but drugs were a hell of a thing, especially in mass doses. He looked down at his zombie-like brother before grabbing him by the hair and punching him in the mouth.

They all stared at him as he did this before grabbing Tumor and throwing him over his shoulder. "Sebastian, follow me. There's going to a very important lesson to learn here today." He took off sprinting down the hall until he reached his bedroom. With his anger still flowing he kicked down the door and threw his brother onto the bed.

Sebastian followed Jack into the room and stood off in the corner while the three ponies stood outside the door and silently watched.

Jack pulled out the bag that he had when he was brought to this world and started sifting through it before pulling out some sort of plastic stick with a yellow tip. "Sebastian, sit him up and hold him still."

The Demon obeyed, floating onto the bed and forcing Tumor's body into an upright sitting position while holding his arms to keep him from struggling too much after whatever Jack was going to do.

The Phoenix jabbed the plastic stick into Tumor's leg and it made a loud click, letting him know that the hidden needle came out. He counted to thirty before tossing the stick aside and rubbing the spot where he had stabbed Tumor. "Come on, come on!"

After a few seconds the pigment in Tumor's skin returned to normal and he started gasping for air. As the world around him started to become clear again he was met with his brothers fist to his face. However, thanks to Sebastian holding him up, he didn't move more than a couple of inches.

The ponies jumped as they watched Jack hit Tumor for the second time in under five minutes.

"What the fuck were you thinking!?" Jack yelled, "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

Tumor looked up to his brother with tears in his eyes. "I'm-I...I just don't know..."

"Don't know what? How to deal with life? How to fucking not off yourself!?" Jack continued screaming. "Do you have any idea what those can do to you, how about how this will effect your family you stupid sack of shit! Look at Sebastian! You had him scared to death!"

Against his better judgment, Tumor looked over to Sebastian who was actually crying. He hadn't seen his brother so much as grin in years yet alone let himself break down like this. He turned his head back to Jack who raised his fist, ready to swing again. Tumor flinched at this and closed his eyes, but surprisingly, nothing happened.

He opened his eyes to see Jack with steam coming out of his eyes. He knew Jack was about to break down too, but the guy was too tough to allow it. So instead he watched as the water tried to work its way out of his face, only to evaporate from the heat in his body.

Jack threw his arms around Tumor, pulling him into a painful embrace. "You are going to be a father for fuck sake, you can't be doing shit like this."

Tumor's emotions were all over the place, especially with the idea of having a kid. That's why he did what he did. His psyche just couldn't handle the idea of having his own child. "Like you're one to talk, you-"

He was silenced as Jack punched him in the stomach before continuing his forceful hug. "I know what I did in the past, I lived that life. I wasn't fucking happy about it. Yes, it made the pain go away, but then you run out and everything is so fucking miserable." He removed himself from Tumor so he could look him in the eye. "Don't you remember all the times where you had to come visit me in the hospital. I almost died, what? Over a dozen fucking times!"

Jack stopped and took a moment to recollect himself. "I don't want you to end up like that...I don't want you addicted to some fucked up shit that'll just make you pray for death day after day, and year after year..."

Shining was baffled by this behavior completely, especially with how he kept hitting his brother after he had almost over-dosed. Cadence and Twilight were in tears. They could see through the anger and the hate in Jack, they could see the love he truly held in his heart for his family.

Jack hugged Tumor once more, this time doing his best not to hurt him. Tumor eventually submitted and returned the gesture. "I swear to the great fucking clown in the sky...if you ever do something like this again, I'll snap your little neck..." He said between silent sobs.

Twilight wiped the tears from her eyes before turning her attention to Shining who looked back at her in disbelief. "Still think he's a heartless monster."

He stuttered as he tried to reply, but Twilight held a hoof to his mouth to silence him. "I don't wanna hear it. Just leave."

Shining wanted to say something, anything that could fix this, but he knew that she wasn't going to listen. As much as it hurt him to do so, he left the group and exited the castle, taking a seat in the chariot he and his wife rode in to get here.

Cadence soon followed, beckoning Twilight to follow to allow the conduit's to have their moment in peace. She followed her to the door where they both stopped and Cadence gave her a hearty smile. "I think you've made a good decision being with him."

Twilight looked up to Cadence in shock. "You do?"

"Yes, I am the princess of love after all." She explained, "When I looked at Jack I could see a lot of anger, but I also see a very broken past. Deep down inside he's suffering, which is why he behaves the way he does." Twilight frowned at her words, knowing the alicorn who could literally read ponies like a book was never wrong. "But there's hope for him."

This made Twilight's features pick back up slightly. "Really?"

Cadence nodded, "Yes, there is. Despite all of the anger in him, I can still sense a great deal of love in his heart. The only problem is; He doesn't know how to use it. How can he show love if he's never had the opportunity to put it to use?"

She was starting to understand now. He always acted like a brute, but whenever something was wrong with his family or friends, his demeanor would change. Yes, he would still be aggressive, but he showed subtle hints that he cared. Like when Tumor was kicked out of Carrot Top's house, he practically begged her to let him stay so he wouldn't be out on his own.

Even with this knowledge though, she wasn't sure how to use it. "How can I help him? What can I do to let him know it's okay to love, to help bring it out?"

Cadence smiled warmly to her before giving the young princess a light nuzzle. "Show him how."

Twilight accepted the nuzzling and when the y broke apart Cadence had one last thing to add. "And please, don't be so hard on your brother. He is a bit single-minded, trust me, I know; But he's only trying to look out for you."

She sighed, "I know, but I just didn't like how he-"

"I know, Twilight, I didn't either." She explained. "Take as much time as you need, just don't lock him out of your life. I know how much he means to you."

She smiled at the love goddess, " I won't, I promise."

Damn fillers!

Carrot Top made her way to Twilight's castle with the help of her best friend, Derpy. Moving around was becoming increasingly difficult for her these past few days which was how she found out she was pregnant in the first place. However, she had to go out and find Tumor. He reacted very strangely when she had told him about the pregnancy and took off without a word.

Once she and Derpy made it to the door the yellow maned pegasus gave it a few knocks, being just loud enough to alert one fiery conduit who happened to be passing by it at the time.

Jack walked over and opened the door to find the two mares with very worried expressions on their faces. "Let me guess. Tumor?" He asked, earning him a confirming nod from the two. He opened the door so it was wide enough for both of them to enter. "Come on, I'll take you to him."

The two mares entered and began following Jack to the throne room. Once there, they spotted Tumor sitting in one of the thrones next to Sebastian, who seemed to be trying to comfort him.

Carrot Top made her way over to him, wrapping her hooves around his neck and pulling him into a warm embrace. He seemed to recoil from her a bit at first, but soon submitted to her hold. After a short while of holding each other the mare broke the hug to look him in the eyes. "Where did you go? I was so worried; you were acting weird."

"Guy hasn't been feeling well." Jack said, earning him the attention of both Tumor and Carrot Top, as well as Derpy and Sebastian. Derpy was none the wiser, but Sebastian knew. "He just needed a place to chill out for a bit so he could let his body fix itself up."

Sometimes Tumor would forget how lucky he was to have Jack as a brother. Yes, he was a complete ass-bag allot of the time, but no matter what happened he was always there to protect and even lie for him. Whenever he truly needed something, Jack had his back.

Carrot Top felt like there was more to it than just him not feeling well, but questioning Jack, or calling him out on something, didn't typically end well in the other's favor. She figured it would probably be best to let whatever happened slide for now. The important thing was that Tumor was okay and she had him back.

There was a moment of silence between the group before curiosity naturally took over. "So what are you going to name the baby?" Derpy asked with that adorably innocent smile of hers.

Tumor reached into his pocket and pulled out his flask, literally biting the top off of it before letting the liquid pour down his throat. He was never one to even think about kids, but now here he was, about ready to have one. This was definitely going to be an interesting journey. And to be honest, it scared the absolute shit out of him.

Jack and Sebastian however, were actually fairly curious as well. Not about the naming though, but what their brother would be like as a father and how they would play being uncles. Yep, very interesting...

After finishing off the small alcoholic beverage Tumor raised his middle finger to the air and- "Fuck you, writer!"

[Burn in hell!!!]

Author's Note

This was just a quick filler chapter while I work on putting together the next one which, trust me, is going to prove to be quite the game changer.

What the future holds

6 Years Later

Having a child wasn't easy for Tumor and you better believe the word 'overwhelming' was a complete fucking shit-stain of an understatement. However, with the help of Carrot Top and his brothers, he was relatively at ease and even started forming a strong connection with his own daughter, especially as she got older. As she grew, he noticed a few of his own personality characteristics developing in her, which was a bit strange due to her young age.

Let's give you an idea of what we're working with here. Upon her birth she was named Leach by her father, this was mostly do to the fact that she had inherited his ability to sap energy from anything she was near. Unlike him though, she could only take pure energy; meaning that she couldn't take things that had energy such as fire, electricity and so on. She was a red unicorn with a bright orange mane and green eyes.

Since she was old enough to walk they could tell that she was definitely the adventurous type. She would wander around for hours and try to discover new things.

Allot had changed for the triplets in the six years that had passed. They became much more open to the world, saving several different towns multiple time and were seen as heroes all over Equestria. The only thing that hadn't really changed were their mouths, even around the child they still swore like sailors. More specifically; Tumor and Jack.

Each of them had even taken on new looks. Tumor still wore his signature black cargo pants, but tossed aside his T-shirt and vest and started wearing long sleeve red shirts with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Something about it being just enough to keep him warm while still being comfortable. He kept his hair short and would have it recolored regularly so it would stay black.

Jack moved on to more of a tough guy look. He let his blond hair grow out so it was almost at his shoulders, but kept it combed back. He held onto the blue jeans, but took to wearing black wife-beaters to show off his muscles. He enjoyed being a show off, especially to his not-so-built brothers.

Sebastian always preferred a more gentlemanly look and went from wearing just a normal dress shirt and pants to a full on tux everywhere he went. The only other color on his body that wasn't black was the white tie that he wore around his neck. Never being a fan of over coats though, he settled for a dress vest, which was enough for him to be content with his appearance.

Tumor's relationship with Carrot Top went beyond anything he could have comprehended. He genuinely cared for this mare and did his best to show it through his jackass nature by doing small things; like bringing her flowers or helping out around the house or garden.

Jack and Twilight grew significantly closer too. However, he was not going to allow himself to have a child, so when the two finally became intimate he made sure to always use protection, but fire-proof condoms were a bitch to get a hold of. He would show her affection, but his hardened nature made it difficult for others to see.

Sebastian and Maud were an interesting case. With both of them being the way they were it was hard to tell how it was going. The two were always so expressionless and seemed like they were constantly being cold to anyone who approached them, but they almost never left each others sides, which must be some sort of positive sign.

In short, all of them were happy with the choices they've made and the paths they had chosen. Although they had relatively settled down though, they never lost their free spirits.

Tumor sat comfortably within his home, alone. Carrot Top was at work and Derpy had moved out some time ago to be with some brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark. Since Spring was just around the corner, he decided that some Spring cleaning was in order. However, he didn't even have to lift a finger for that to get done. While he sat on the couch reading the Ponyville Newspaper his red energy filled the house, moving things around and putting them in order while brooms were sweeping the floors on their own and the dishes washed themselves.

As he did this a familiar voice punctured his eardrums from upstairs. "Daddy!"

His maternal instincts kicked in and his powers completely shut down, dropping everything his energy was holding as he charged up the stairs. Once up he kicked open his daughters bedroom door to find her dangling upside down in the air. He snickered a bit before busting out laughing.

She gave him a look of annoyance as she flailed around in the air. "Stop laughing and help me, jerk!"

Once Tumor recollected himself he reached up and grabbed Leach from the air, pulling her back down to the ground before ruffling her mane a bit. "I see you're still working on the whole flying thing."

"Well, duh! Why wouldn't I want to fly?"

"Can't argue with that, it's pretty great."

"How did you learn to do it so well?"

"By going to bed and waking up in the exact same position that you were just in." He explained, earning a small giggle from the little filly. "Consider yourself lucky. When I find you like that I pull you down, but when your uncle Jack would find me like that, he'd grab a bat and beat me like a pinata."

Tumor left the room and made his way back downstairs, using his powers to pick up where he had left off on cleaning. Leach followed close behind him, debating asking him a question. "So...Aunt Twilight invited me to go to her castle for tea yesterday." She said, trying to ease into it. Tumor wasn't exactly overprotective of her, but he did his best to make sure that she was alive and sometimes he would over-react to her going to certain places. Especially with one of his brothers.

"Sounds fun, when you get there tell book horse to eat a bag of dicks." He replied. Although he was a bit uncomfortable with her going to the castle and being around Jack, he knew that no matter what, he wasn't going to let his niece get hurt. And that Twilight would keep an eye on them, you know, just in case.

"So I can go?" She asked excitedly, earning a confirming nod from her father. She hugged his leg and thanked him before taking off toward the castle. Unknown to her he made sure to lock on to her energy so that he would know if something were to happen to her on the way.

The trip didn't take too long. She was stopped several times along the way by other ponies her age and even a few adults. Being the daughter of a celebrity tends to grand some ponies a certain level of attention. After dealing with the 'Paparazzi Scumbag', as her father calls then, she continued her journey to the castle.

Arriving at her destination only a short while later, she entered and started looking around for the princess. She found Twilight sitting in the throne room, getting things ready for the tea party she had asked the filly to join. The table ha a large white cloth going across it and near the center were several cups, bowls of sugar cubes, and a tea kettle.

"Perfect, she said to no one after making a few adjustments with her magic. While looking over the table one last time she spotted Leach standing on the other side of the room. "Hi, sweetie! What are you doing all the way over there?"

The filly smiled and trotted over to her aunts side, earning herself a hug in the process.

"You're just in time, I just finished setting everything up." Twilight said, motioning for her to take a seat. Leach happily accepted and the princess sat down beside her. "I'm really glad you could make it." She said, levitating a cup to both herself and Leach.

Leach watched as she did this and filled their cups with the warm liquid. "Me too! Is uncle Jack going to be joining us?" As she asked this she levitated a few sugar cubes into her cup and stirred it with a small spoon. Leach had learned how to use her magic pretty quickly, her father likes to assume it was due to her conduit genes. But that was more of a joke than anything else, she was just smarter than other kids her age...but only a little.

Twilight blew into her cup and took a sip of her tea, making a small hum of delight as she did so. "I'm not sure. I asked if if he wanted to. He just said that he'd think about it."

"What's he doing right now?"

"I wish I could tell you. He's spent all day down in his man cave." She explained, "As much as I'd like to go and see what he does in there, he says that only men are allowed. So the only other ones allowed in there are his brothers and sometimes Spike."

"You could always ask Spike what they do in there."

Twilight giggled, "I already tried that, but apparently Jack set up rules for the Man Cave and it would seem that my number one assistant has taken to following a lot of these rules."

"Meaning?"

"He refuses to tell me what they do in there. Says it would break the 'Do not disrespect the man cave' rule."

"Uncle Jack is a goof."

"Yes, yes he is." Twilight confirmed." The tea party went on for a few more minutes and in that time the two talked about how things were going at school for Leach and how work was going for Twilight.

A few minutes later Jack wandered into the room covered in sweat with a towel draped across his shoulders. The two smiled up at him and offered him a chair. He took a seat beside Twilight and wiped his forehead with the towel. "So, what did I miss?"

"Not a whole lot." Twilight began, "Leach is doing well in school and isn't having too much trouble."

"Good." Jack said with a nod, "First pony that crosses you wrong, you come and get me. I'll make sure to give them a lesson that they will never fucking forget."

"Jack, language!" Twilight reprimanded. His swearing had finally toned down a bit, but never completely stopped. It didn't bother her too much anymore, but she hated when he would do it in front of the filly."

"English, bitch!" He replied, earning him a punch in the arm from the alicorn mare.

Leach just laughed at their behavior. She loved coming over here. Jack and Twilight would always end up doing stuff like this. Jack would do something she wouldn't like, she would try to stop him, he'd come back with a witty remark or insult, and it would usually escalate from there.

She was starting to wish that she had brought popcorn. However, much to his discontent, the two didn't break out into an all out verbal war and settled with dropping the subject. Jack doing so by remaining silent, but wearing a large grin on his face; Twilight, by burring her face into her hooves with an annoyed grunt.

The rest of the gathering went off without a hitch and halfway through Sebastian and Maud even showed up to spend some time with the rest of the family, minus Tumor who was doing god knows what.

After the tea party finally came to an end they separated into two groups. The mares went out to do some shopping while the two brothers and Spike retreated to the man cave.

"I see you've put a good amount of work into making this little hideout, haven't you." Sebastian commented.

"Damn right." Jack responded with pride.

The room itself was in the basement so once you got down the stairs you were met with a large open area with a fire place on one end, a pool table near that, and just a few feet from that was another table. This one was decorated with everything they needed to play a multitude of card games. Finally there was the chill zone, which consisted of a small glass table and a large couch with several bean bag chairs surrounding it.

However, this was only one half of the room. The other half was filled with workout equipment of all kinds. Each one adjusted to fit his tall humanoid form. Being hooked up with a princess kicked ass. There was an elliptical, a treadmill, several barbells, pull-up bars, and a couple of punching bags. One of which was covered in burns and had a hole punched clean through from one side to the other.

Spike dove into one of the bean bag chairs and sank into it with a satisfied sigh. "Yeah, I could get used to this."

Jack chuckled at the baby dragon and made his way over to one of the undamaged punching bags before unloading all unholy hell onto it with his fists.

The mares wandered around the market place, picking up several required items for their homes. Leach was extremely bored by this and from time to time would break away from the group to check out more interesting things, only to be called back by Twilight. "I swear, if boredom could cause cancer..."

Child-like ambitions

Leach sat in the classroom, rubbing her hooves together to keep herself busy. Mrs. Cherilee was going on about something. She couldn't say what, as she wasn't paying even the slightest bit of attention to her. She would rather be outside exploring the world, doing something fun like her father.

"What about you Leach?" The filly looked up at her teacher upon hearing her name. "What would you like to do when you grow up?"

She sat there and thought for a moment. There was only one thing she ever wanted to do and that was to be like her father, going out everyday and saving ponies. Keeping Ponyville and anywhere that called out to him safe. She wanted to be like him. "I wanna be a hero, like my daddy."

The school bell finally rang, signaling the end of class for today. The young ponies packed their belongings and exited the small school. Most of the children were running home to their families and going out to play with their friends. Leach had a different plan for today.

Her eyes wandered the streets before settling on the Everfree forest just a few miles from where she was. Her childish mind and daydreams were about to come true for her, but she would have to prove to both herself and others that she was fully capable of doing something like this.

Tumor levitated an apple into his hand. Spring cleaning was taken care of, Carrot Top's garden had been tended to, both metaphorically and otherwise, and now he had the whole day to himself. He could feel his daughter's energy coming toward the house, only to slowly make it's way pass it.

To his knowledge, the only thing on the other side of the house that could be waiting for her was the forest. He sighed to himself. He should have known she would go off to do something like this. "Sebastian!" He called out.

Practically by clockwork a shadow appeared before him in the shape of his brother. He raised a hand and put it through the shadow. This new ethereal form he had taken to using from time to time proved to be very useful. It made him completely invulnerable and he could travel the same way he had before almost completely undetected.

"Yes brother?"

Tumor rook a bite out of his apple before talking with his mouth full. "Hey fucker. I got a job for ya."

Leach made it pass the house with ease. Normally her father could tell whenever she was near, she wasn't sure how, but he always knew. Luckily he hadn't noticed this time, she wouldn't want him interrupting her quest.

The filly made it to the edge of the forest. She could feel an odd sensation running through her veins, it was cold and seemed almost dead. It was like her body was telling her that this place was bad news.

She took a breath pushed pass her feelings before wandering into the Everfree. Although she had heard stories about this place, she had never actually gone into it. They say it was dangerous, full of creatures so evil some could turn you to stone just by looking at you. The plants and animals could take care of themselves and the clouds moved on their own!

This wasn't going to bother her though, she was brave! Leach would power through this and more, she was sure of it, nothing was going to stop her from earning her place by her father's side, saving the world and protecting the innocent.

It was at that moment she felt her bravery being turned to ask like dry paper in a furnace. A low throaty growl came from behind her, causing her body to tense up. She turned around to see a large wolf made of what looked like wood standing a mere few feet behind her. It bared it's teeth at her, the disgusting smell of it's breath leaving its mouth and surrounding her, almost making her gag.

The beast roared, causing her to scream and run deeper into the woods. The wold staying close behind her as she did so. She tripped over a wayward branch and plummeted to the ground. Turning around she could see the overgrown mutt standing over her with hunger in its eyes.

She screamed once more as it went down to bite her, only to stop at the last second and look around. Something was here, it could smell it. Leach could feel a familiar presence, one that made her feel as though she was safe.

A thick cloud soon filled the area, making it difficult to see anything. Leach felt herself being grabbed and pulled into the fog while the timberwolf frantically looked around for her. It could feel the thick cloud entering it's body and began choking on it. More and more of the gas-like clouds flowed into its body, slowly killing the wolf from the inside.

It finally lost it's grip on life and collapsed, shattering into hundreds of wood splinters. The smoke exited the wolf's body and began to form into one being being. Sebastian stood beside the wolf's destroyed body before turning his attention to Leach, who was being held against a tree by his power.

He made his way over to his niece, leaning down and putting a hand to her chin. "Are you alright, child?"

Leach nodded to her Uncle before being released from his hold and jumping up to hug him. "How did you know I was here?" She asked with tears in her eyes.

"Child, I am but a cloud floating above everything in this town. I see all, hear all. I would have come here to keep you safe regardless of your father's summons." He explained.

Leach pulled back a bit at the mention of her father. "He knows that I came here."

He nodded to the filly. "He could sense your presence move this way and called to me. He asked me to watch over you and keep you safe."

She looked a bit worried now. Was she going to get in trouble? If her father wasn't going to punish her, her mother likely would. Without a word more Sebastian lifted the filly and placed her on his shoulders before taking to the air and letting the wind push his weightless body back to Carrot Top's cottage.

When they arrived there were two figures sitting out in the front yard. One was her father, who was sitting in a chair with a pair of sunglasses and bathing in the sun. The other was her mother, who was pacing back and forth with a worried look on her face.

When Sebastian landed in the front yard and was spotted, Tumor, apparently having some sort of prior engagement with Carrot Top, simply said, "Told you."

The mare ran over to Leach as Sebastian set her down and pulled her into a hug, only to remove herself and look down at her child with a stern look. "What were you thinking!? Are you trying to get yourself hurt?"

Leach's eyes began to water as she was reprimanded. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to-"

"Sorry doesn't cut it. You...erg!" Carrot Top was at a complete loss for words, she didn't know what to say or how to deal with this. How does one react when their child is doing something so dangerous. She wasn't going to hit her, that was just plain wrong in her eyes, but she had no idea how to address it either. Much to her surprise, Tumor appeared behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Why don't you two take a break." He said, his gaze shifting between both Carrot Top and Sebastian. "I'll handle this."

The two left, Carrot Top being a bit hesitant at first, but soon complying. Tumor got down on one knee and looked at his teary-eyes daughter. "You mind telling me what the hell was going through your mind."

Despite this actually, technically, being a question, she knew her father was basically demanding to know what her intentions were. It was better to give him as straight an answer as she could, otherwise he would get mad. "I just wanted to go out into the woods and...I don't know." She paused, gathering her thoughts before continuing. "I just wanted to be like you and my uncles. Going out and fighting monsters, protecting everypony. I want to be a hero like you."

Tumor took his hand and began playing with the scruff on his chin as he thought to himself for a moment. She wanted to be like him, but the way he lived and the things he did were dangerous. He didn't know what to do about this, should he encourage her to be a hero, or push it aside, only for her to try and sneak off to do something like this again in the future. He needed to come up with some sort of middle-ground, something that would be either enough to fix the problem, or make it so it was no longer a problem.

Then an idea hatched. "So, you wanna be like me, huh?" The filly nodded. "Okay, I'll show you how." He knew there would be either one of two outcomes here. Either he will toughen her up and she will be ready for action, or she would crack under the pressure and give up. Either way, he wins...kinda. Carrot Top might not be too pleased about this, or about what's going to transpire if she agrees, but it needs to be done. This is the only way she will either be strong enough to be a hero or move on to find a new passion.

Leach's eyes widened at her father. Was he really going to train her to be like him? She hoped so. This was something she has wanted for a long time. "Really?"

"Yeah, but on one condition." She leaned forward, showing him that she was listening. "No more stupid shit, okay. Don't make me have to treat you like my father treated me. In short, you pull something like that again and I'll fuck you up."

She recoiled a bit, unable to imagine what kind of punishment he would have planned for her if she made this mistake again. "No more, I promise."

"Do you promise to obey every order I give?" He asked, it was time to get into character. If he was going to train her, he was gonna do it right.

"Yes, daddy." She replied, eager to start.

"Yes, sir." He said in a firm but powerful voice, sounding almost like a drill Sargent.

She instinctively stiffened up and straightened out her posture. She had no idea why she reacted the way she did, but it seemed like this was the way she needed to respond. "Yes, sir!"

Tumor nodded. "Now, I'm not gonna bullshit you here. In order for this to work I'm going to have to put you in some extreme situations." He explained. "I'm gonna flip ya, spin ya, flap your body around until your bones hurt. And if you scream, it's gonna make me wanna do it harder and faster. Is that clear soldier?"

[Okay, that's a little disturbing!]

She seemed almost disgusted at his words, but nodded, confirming that she was ready for whatever he could throw at her. "Yes, sir!"

He smiled before going back to a standing position. "Good, your training starts tomorrow."

Author's Note

You guys know the drill, inform me about any grammar errors, god knows those are my biggest weakness. Also, I will be taking suggestions for different types of training methods. So if you got any ideas, post them in the comments below and you might see them in the next chapter. That being said, deuces bitch!

D**k Sargent

D**k Sargent

"What are you doing!? Stop!" Carrot Top stared in horror at Tumor, unable to move from being stuck in his power. She had gone outside to investigate the sound of her daughter screaming. When she had made it out she was met with a disturbing sight. Tumor was holding Leach up in the air by one of her hooves. Her body was covered in cuts and bruises. The mare charged at him, but was quickly stopped when a field of red energy clouded over her body.

"I can't, this is part of the training." His attention was turned back to his daughter as she groaned in pain.

"I don't get this...How is this part of the training?" The filly asked.

"If you're going to be a fighter, you need to be able to endure pain." He explained to his daughter. "Not only that, but you need to learn how to heal and quickly."

Carrot Top was glaring daggers at Tumor. How could he just abuse their child like this? "Don't you think you've done enough! Look at her!"

Tumor ignored Carrot Top and tightened his grip on Leach's hoof until there was a loud crack. The bone in her hoof snapped and she screamed in pain before being dropped to the ground. Watching this made Carrot Top more furious. Just as she was about to unleash all verbal hell on Tumor her mouth became sealed shut.

Tumor lowered himself down to Leach, staring at her body as she laid on the ground shaking. "Come on, we've been doing this all day. Just do as I showed you and the pain will go away."

Leach looked up at her father with tears in her eyes before nodding. She focused her magic, pulling energy out of everything near her. In seconds the cuts and bruises on her body started to vanish. Her hoof took nearly two minutes to fully repair, but once it was done she stopped, analyzing her body.

The pain was completely gone, and aside from the dirt covering her coat, she looked completely fine. It was as if none of the torture her father put her through ever happened. "It worked, it actually worked!" She exclaimed excitedly, feeling as if she were indestructible.

"Damn right it did." Tumor quickly commented. "Make sure you take in as much energy as you can next time though. It'll make your body more difficult to injure and you need to have some in reserve for when you do get injured so you don't have to take in so much to heal."

Leach got up onto her hooves. her body felt so loose and relaxed. She felt like a whole new filly. "This is great!"

Tumor snapped his fingers in front of her, quickly getting her attention. "Hey, I'm over here, retard. You need to focus." He looked over at Carrot Top who was still struggling to get out of his grasp. He sighed and clicked his fingers once more, releasing her.

"I'm going to shove my hoof so far up your ass, you'll be able to lick my hoof!" She shouted angrily, earning her a chuckle from the human/conduit.

Tumor was standing in front of Leach, Sebastian by his side as he stared her down. She gave him a stern look in return, the kind of look that says 'I'm ready for whatever you throw at me.' He nodded, "If there's one important thing about energy, it's that it can be used however you want. However, you have to be able to stay in places with high amounts of energy if you want to become stronger. In order to do that, you have to be able to see and track energy."

He glanced at his dark dressed brother and gave him a quick wink. Sebastian's body exploded into a large cloud of smoke and clouded the whole area, making it impossible to see even an inch in front of the filly's face.

"You're completely blind now, there's no way of knowing where you're going." As Tumor said this, Leach tried to navigate herself toward the sound of his voice, but fell over as something grabbed her hoof.

She quickly got back up and started looking around, but found nothing. Tumor watched her from outside of the cloud. He could not see her, but he could see the energy flowing through her body as well as the surrounding area. He could also see his brother floating around and tormenting her within, tripping her multiple times.

"You need to focus, Leach, otherwise you aren't going to find your way out." He called out to her.

Leach took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Come on..." She muttered to herself, "Come on!" She opened her eyes, her green eyes were shining brightly. The filly started to look around, she could see her father's energy standing a few yards from her and ran toward it. Just before she could exit she spotted another energy source within the thick fog. It was coming directly at her.

She came to a halt and jumped as high as her little hooves could allow. Luckily, the thing that came for her ended up flying directly under her, and once her hooves hit the ground again she took off into a full sprint. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

Her legs refused to stop moving, even as she exited the fog. It wasn't until her head ran into something hard that she stopped. She looked up to see her father looking down at her with his arms crossed and a grin on his face. "See, that wasn't so bad."

Leach let out a relived sigh, but she could feel something, something strange. It felt like something was coming up behind her. Out of panic she spun around, swinging her right hoof and decking Uncle Sebastian straight in the mouth.

The guy barely reacted to the hit, but a certain conduit found it hysterical regardless. Tumor fell over laughing as his brother was hit. The filly couldn't help but hug Sebastian. "I'm so sorry, Uncle! I didn't know it was you, I swear!"

Jack tied his hair back before cracking his knuckles as he looked down at his niece, who was giving him a rather fearful expression.

Leach looked over at her father. "Are you sure this is a good idea, daddy. He's allot stronger than you, so if he hits me then that could-"

Tumor cut her off before she could continue. "It's sir, and this is a necessary part of your training. If you want to be a hero then you're going to face very big and powerful creatures. Ones that are strong and may even want to eat you. Jack is a beast like them."

She gave her father a curious look. Jack usually kept himself in check while in front of her so she had no idea what he was capable of. All she knew was that he was stronger than her father, physically. "What do you mean, da-sir?"

"Jack is basically an unstoppable killing machine." He explained, causing Leach to swallow a new found lump in her throat. "He would go out an annihilate anything in his path, along with anyone in his way. And, from time to time, he would actually eat some of the people he killed." Despite every word being true, he knew Jack wouldn't do something like that to Leach. He said it to scare her, she would have to learn how to beat her fear so she would be able to fight with a clear mind. "Begin!"

Jack's arms ignited and he launched himself at Leach, his fists swinging to deliver a blow fatal to most. His brother said that they were going to train her to be strong, to be powerful. He wasn't going to hold back too much.

Leach was fast, well, fast enough to dodge her Uncle's swings. She had done what her father said and taken in as much energy as she could before the fight, putting it in reserve in case she would need it.

Jack was able to pick up on a pattern in her movement. This would give him an advantage. He faked a punch, causing her to jump to the side, while she was in the air he reached out and grabbed her by her back hoof before slamming her into the ground then proceeding to launch her into a tree with enough force to crack the trunk and bring it down on top of the filly.

The filly pulled herself out of the wreckage, panting heavily as she wiggled out from under the collapsed tree. That probably should have hurt allot more, but it didn't help the fact that the beating she had taken wore her out. Once she was back into the open she fell to the ground and rolled onto her back. "Ow..."

Tumor leaned over her body, allowing himself to be directly in her sight. "Yeah, you're still gonna need some work before we bring you along with us." Leach nodded in agreement. "I also probably should have mentioned that Jack can read movements. It's always good to change up your fighting style, otherwise you'll become predictable."

"Jee, thanks for the heads up, sir." Leach sarcastically replied. Her mom was right, her dad is a dick. She felt her father reach his hands under her and lift her body up over his shoulder.

"Alright, maggot. That's all for today. At ease!" He said as he carried her home. Her body began using her reserved energy to repair the damage she had taken from her fight with her uncle, making it impossible for her mother to see that they had still been training. After what had happened earlier she demanded that they stop and they agreed...You see how well that's working out, right?

Author's Note

I'm sorry guys, but it's starting to become more and more difficult for me to come up with ideas for this story. Expect MUCH later posts.

Return of the frienemy

Stealing and consuming energy was easy; however, harnessing and using it was proving to be a much more difficult task. With enough energy to destroy an entire small structure filling her body, Leach was ding everything in her power to use it properly.

"Come on, focus!" Tumor shouted to the small filly. "Let it build up in your horn, then fire!"

Leach grunted at performing this task, but within the next minute she managed to direct all of the energy in her body into her horn. Her horn was glowing a bright red color as it became charged.

"Good, now look at me and shoot it as hard as you can." He instructed.

The filly's eyes locked onto her father. It took a second to get it to work, but eventually she was able to fire a condensed ball of energy at her father with amazing speed. He almost didn't have time to catch it as he reach up and locked the orb into his hands. The sheer force of the shot was enough to push him back several feet, leaving two lines in the dirt where his feet had dragged in an attempt to stop himself.

Tumor looked down at the orb, then up to his daughter with a smile on his face. "Woo! That's what I'm talking about!" He cheered as his body consumed the orb.

Leach was exhausted, doing this had taken allot out of her, but she would recharge in time. She was fairly proud of herself for finally accomplishing this attack. Her father had been helping her try to get it right for several days now. All attempts failed, except this one. All that was left now was to reduce how long it took for her to actually use it.

Tumor could feel a familiar presence in the distance. The energy of his brother Jack was emanating powerfully just a few yards away, as well as one other one that he recognized but could not identify.

He looked over and squinted his eyes, catching a glimpse of two bipedal silhouettes. One of them was clearly Jack, he could tell just by looking at him, the other was still unidentifiable.

There was a nagging feeling in his head that he knew who this was, but for some reason he just couldn't remember.

Jack made it up to Tumor and Leach with anther human beside him. The man wore an odd form of attire. His cloths were silver in color with numerous black designs across them. He wore a pair of shorts over his legs and a short sleeve jacket over his T-shirt.

"Lucy, I'm home!" The man spoke with enthusiasm, a shit eating smirk plastered across his face.

Suddenly, it all clicked. This was the guy who randomly showed up out of nowhere and royally rekt him, before dumping his body in a bog. For so long he had been told that the whole experience was nothing but a dream, yet here he was.

"Fucking Game Assassin..." Tumor muttered under his breath, shooting the man a death glare.

Leach looked up to her father, then to the weird human standing beside her uncle. "Daddy, who's this?"

Before Tumor could speak, Jack threw an arm around Game and spoke for him. "This is Game Assassin, Game for short. He's a buddy of ours who's been gone for a good while."

Game looks down at Leach and raises a hand. "Yo, what's up?"

She waved awkwardly at the man, not quite feeling confident in whether or not she could trust him or not. He could be dangerous...or a pervert.

Game moves closer to Leach and gets down on a knee, scanning her with his eyes. "What's your name, little one?"

Leach glances over at her father. She can see his hands balled up into fists and glowing red. If something happened she knew he would defend her. She puts her attention back on to Game and introduced herself. "My name is Leach."

He hums to himself as he processes the information. "Cute name. I take it the walking battery over there is your father."

Leach snorts as she tried to hold in a laugh. She had never thought about it until now, but her father was quite literally a walking battery. The thought itself was pretty amusing, but she could practically feel her father's anger pulsing through the air. He must not like this guy. But, why?

Game looks up at Tumor, he could tell he wasn't happy. Would that stop him from being his normal goofy self?

[Fuck no it wouldn't! I would know, I'm talking to the guy right now. :P ]

He smirks at the filly's father. "So how've you been Energizer? Still pissed off about that whole, dumping you in a lake, thing?"

Thinking back, every attack Tumor made with his powers was reflected back at him with almost double the damage. His abilities were useless to him when it came to this guy. So, he chose the next best thing.

Tumor walked over to Game's kneeling form, pushing his daughter back a few steps, before socking him straight in the jaw.

Game fell back, rubbing at the now aching appendage. "I'm gonna take that as a yes." He said as he slid his leg out, kicking the back of Tumor's feet and causing him to collapse. In one fluid motion Game had succeeded with his attack and managed to flip himself back into a standing position.

Jack backed up, planning on enjoying the scenes to come.

Leach backed away as well, eyes wide as she did so. She had never seen her father get into an actual fight. To be honest, the thought itself kind of scared her.

Tumor used his energy to propel himself upward, allowing him to get back up on his feet. He raised his hands and cracked his knuckles, preparing himself for an oncoming shit-storm.

In the background the two could hear cheering coming from Jack. "Woo! Kick his ass, Game!"

"Fuck you! Who's side are you on!?" Tumor shouted to his brother.

"The guy who's actually gonna win!" He replied before turning his attention to his niece. "Ten bits says your dad gets fucked up."

Leach glared at her uncle with a confident smirk. "You're on!"

Tumor charged at Game, swinging his fist with enough force to break an elephant's neck.

It wasn't hard to see this coming, so Game quickly dodged it and stretched out one of his legs. This caused his opponent to stumble and face plant directly into the ground.

He grunted as he hit the dirt, once again propelling himself upward with his energy. His arms began to glow as he filled them with energy and began swinging rapidly at Game.

This was a bit more difficult to handle. With Tumor's fists coming at him like lightning bolts he wasn't able to dodge every punch thrown at him. However, the hits themselves didn't do too much damage as he was just swinging blindly and not hitting any particular weak points. He waited for an opening, which took a hot minute to show up, but still came. Using this to his advantage he swung an uppercut into Tumor's gut.

Tumor stopped for a moment and clutched his stomach, soon finding his head being smashed into an oncoming knee. His mind went a little fuzzy from the last hit and he fell to the ground, landing on his ass.

"What's wrong battery, out of juice already?" Game teased.

Tumor growled at this, leaning forward and shooting his body into Game. Once he had him in his grasp he launched them into the air. The two flew around in circles, swinging and kick at each other all the while.

Twilight and Maud were having a peaceful night day about the town. They had previously agreed to go out shopping together since she had moved to Ponyville. Maud didn't mind, she could use another set of eyes to help her find materials to finish refurbishing the house.

They were in the middle of talking about color coordination and designs when an odd sound pierced their ears. It was almost as if something were falling...and screaming...

Suddenly, two figures fell from the sky, landing directly in front of Twilight.

The princess screamed out of shock and dove behind Maud, basically using her as a meat shield.

[Wow, bitch!]

Tumor threw Game into the air, who landed on the other side of the crater with a light thud.

Game lifted his head to see Twilight damn near cowering behind Maud. "Hey ladies, how's it going?" He asked nonchalantly.

Tumor's body shot out of the crater, levitating just above Game. Momentarily forgetting about his opponents abilities, he shot a large orb of energy at him. The orb was reflected off of Game and crashed into Tumor, sending his body flying elsewhere.

"I'd love to stay and chat," Game began, once again speaking to the mares, "but I've got a battery to drain." He got back to his feet and started sprinting at a break neck speed after Tumor.

Twilight rose up from her hiding place and walked in front of Maud, who didn't seem fazed by everything that had just happened.

"Woah, that was intense." She said in her usual dull tone.

Tumor's body crash landed in front of his own home, leaving a streak of torn gravel in his yard. He pulled himself back up, only to be met with Game zooming directly into him. Their bodies crashed into the ground and rolled several times before finally coming to a stop. Tumor was pinning Game down to the ground. His hands were holding Game's arms down, so he couldn't attack with those, and his powers were still out of the question.

With a quick jerk of his neck he unleashed a devastating head-butt onto Game, leaving him slightly dazed.

Jack soon flew over with Leach in his arms so they could continue watching the fight. He released the filly so they could move and stand on their respective sides as they cheered on their bets.

Game was getting slightly annoyed with how the fight was going and promptly threw Tumor off of him and into the side of the house. It was enough for it to make some noise, but not enough to break the structure.

As he got back up, he walked over to Tumor with a grin on his face. "That all you got?"

Right as he said this he felt a sharp pain in his leg and fell to his knees.

"You cheating brat!" Jack shouted to Leach. He had watched her levitate a bat over and smack Game in the back of the leg.

Leach stuck her tongue out at Jack.

"Alright, that's how you wanna play?" Jack picked up a rock and hurled it at Tumor's face. It struck with enough force to knock him on to his back.

Leach gasped at this, her previous reaction soon being followed by a light growl. Her horn began to light up as she charged her next attack, filling it with a stream of energy. An orb began to form just in front of her head and she shot it at Game.

Tumor was pulling himself up just in time to watch the orb collide with Game, then reflect off of him, and smack into his own face. Once again, he had been brought down.

The filly had no idea that Game had the ability to reflect whatever was sent at him, so this came as a great shock to her; especially since it had bounced directly into her father and knocked him dead on his ass.

Game couldn't help but nearly bust his gut laughing. That was all too perfect; the timing, the angle, the contact. Everything was going pretty great for him.

With all of the commotion that had ensued during this small battle, a presence was awoken. One so deadly, so powerful, so angry that it could bring about the apocalypse by simply grinding its teeth.

Carrot Top exited her home with a fire in her eyes. "ENOUGH!!!"

Everyone froze at the sound of her screams, their bodies tensing up and their minds entering a silent panic. This was not going to end well and they knew it.

Carrot Top stomped over, her first target being her daughter. She grabbed the filly and gave her a light shove towards the house. "Inside, now!"

Leach nodded and was gone in the blink of an eye.

The mare's attention then became fixated on the conduit who had given her a daughter. She worked her way over to him just as he was pulling himself back to his feet.

Before Tumor could even get his feet on the ground he felt Carrot's hoof punch him in the nose with enough force to send him back into the dirt. "What the hell were you thinking!?"

[Maybe you should just stay down. It might be more beneficial for your health.]

Once again, Game started laughing. However, his laughter was cut off just as quickly as it had started when Carrot Top back-hoofed him in the face. "You're not out of the woods either, punk!"

[Ha!]

Carrot Top's gaze moved to Jack, who raised his hands in the air defensively as if a cop had just caught him stealing. "You, leave, now!"

Jack obeyed, taking off in a ball of fire and flying back toward the castle.

Once that was taken care of, Carrot Top looked over at the two humanoids with an angered expression glued to her face. "Now, you two better start explaining what you were just doing and why. And do it quickly!"

Tumor was still laying on the ground, just staring up into the sky while contemplating several different escape routes as to avoid the wrath of the ginger horse.

Game got back up to his feet. "Well, I can see I have overstayed my welcome. I think I'll just leave." He said, turning around to walk away.

"No you don't!" Carrot Top shouted before a bright flash of light shined in front of Game, the shock of its sudden appearance causing her to freeze in her place.

The light started off small then began to stretch until it was the size of a door. The center split open revealing a small room and another human just on the other side who appeared to be typing on a laptop.

The human looked over at game. "Hey, buddy!"

"What's up, Evil?" Game asked with a smile.

"Just finishing up this chapter. I'd ask how your trip went, but I already know. Just one of the many perks of being a god." :P

Game chuckled and walked through the portal, sparing one last look at the Pony and her conduit boy toy. He looked over at Lord Evil, who just smiled back at him.

The two then raised their middle fingers at Tumor and Carrot.

Before either of them could react to the rude display, the portal closed and they were gone.

[Later fuckers!]

Tumor looked over to Carrot Top, who seemed to be stuck in a state of shock. Her jaw was practically hanging to the ground. He sighed and pulled himself back onto his feet before walking over and throwing the mare over her shoulder. She still showed no response as he did this. He figured it was for the best.

With that little mess finally shrugged off, he carried Carrot Top back into the house. All that was left now was for him to wait until she came to then brace himself for the chewing of a lifetime. And not even the fun kind.

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay to everyone reading. Sorry to Game especially. This was supposed to be posted a few days ago, but work got in the way, then I got really sick and ended up being a corpse all day & night. It was a bitch. So, again, sorry :P

Loyalty and family

Leach exited the small school shortly after the bell rang, walking out among the small number of fillies and colts that she shared a class with. None of them were too important to her. Aside from most of them being all over her at some point or another, it was all due to the fact that she was related to the three alien heroes that lived in this town. None of them really wanted to be her friend, they just wanted her to be their friend so they could hangout with her family and be popular.

This was a rather saddening revelation for the little filly, but she didn't need them. Her family was filled with many unique and diverse ponies that actually did care for her. That being said, having very few actual friends didn't bother her. Normally, after a school day, she would head straight home to continue her super hero training with her father.

However, they had decided to take a break after the last session. Her mother had almost caught them and was starting to get nosy. In her father's words, they needed to 'lay low' for a while. This wasn't all that pleasing either, as she truly did want to be like her father, but at least it gave her a break from the constant beatings that would follow.

With their training being put on hold, this gave her a lot more free time. Deciding to take full advantage of this, she made a B-line straight for Twilight's castle. Once there, she gave the large door a few small knocks and waited patiently for an answer.

A few seconds pass and then the door opens, revealing somepony that Leach had taken a liking to in the recent months. She beamed at the sight of her and smiled brightly. "Hi, Starlight!"

Starlight smiled back at the filly, being almost as happy to see her again as well. "Hi, Leach!" She replied, mentally cussing out the human who had given her such a name. She could respect the conduits for what they do and what they represent, but as people, she was less-than-fond of them. "How are things?"

"They're alright, but it's been getting kind of boring lately." She explained, not quite filling her in on the training cut-off. If she knew, she'd probably rat her out to her mother. "There's not a lot going on and I figured that I'd stop by and see how everypony was doing."

"Well-" Starlight began, only to be interrupted by the sound of an explosion coming from deeper within the castle.

"Mother! Fucker!" A voice echoed in the distance.

Starlight let out a sigh as her expression went deadpan at the sound of the screaming human. "Apparently, things could be better." She placed a hoof to her temple, rubbing it as she did so before stepping to the side. "Come on in. Let's go make sure your uncle didn't set anything on fire...again."

Leach trotted into the castle, making her way toward the sound they had heard with Starlight in tow. It didn't take too long to find the source, her uncle came walking out of a room that was literally spewing smoke from it. His body was covered in soot and ash as he exited, smoke also coming from his hair and his nose.

Jack was pissed right now, exiting the basement with an annoyed look on his face as he closed the door behind him. "Son of a bitch!"

Leach was about to go running at him, but waited as Twilight came in from the other direction. "Jack, what's going on!?" She asked in a slightly panicked tone. "I heard an explosion!"

"Calm down, it was just me." He explained, still mentally cursing himself. "This is why we should invest in fire-proof furniture. I sneeze one fucking time and suddenly, everything is a pile of ashes." He buried his face into his palms, wiping some of the soot from his face. "Great fucking Milenko!"

Starlight cleared her throat, catching both the alicorn and the human's attention. It didn't take too long for the to spot the little red filly standing by her side after that.

"Hey, short stuff. How's your hammer hangin'?" Jack asked, doing his best to distract himself from his recently destroyed man cave.

Leach took this opportunity to run over to her uncle, resting at his feet and hugging one of his legs. "Hi, Uncle Jack!" She all but yelled as she embraced his knee. She then moved over to Twilight wrapping her hooves around her alicorn aunts neck. "Hi, Aunt Twilight!"

Twilight giggled at the filly, always finding her behavior to be absolutely adorable. She couldn't but wonder if her niece, Flurry Heart, would be as cute as her when she was older. "Hi, Sweetie." She said, returning the hug. "What brings you here today?"

Leach broke the hug and took a step back from her aunt. "Boredom, mostly. There's nothing going on at home lately and I thought I'd stop by to see what you and Uncle Jack were up to."

"Well, I was going through some new spells I wanted to try out." Twilight explained before turning her attention to the steaming human. "But it looks like something else came up." Jack huffed out of spite, a small trail of black smoke shooting from his nostrils as he did so.

Leach couldn't help but to let out a small, but adorable, laugh at her uncle's displeasure. She wasn't sure why she did, maybe her father's sense of humor is rubbing off on her. "I can see that."

"Both of you can go right to hell." Jack commented, earning a reprimanding look from his alicorn lover. He responded by raising his middle finger at her, only lowering it when he turned his attention back to his niece. "So what's fuck-head been up to? I haven't heard shit from him in a good while."

Leach shrugged at this question. "Aside from what you already know, which has been put on hiatus for privacy reasons, he's just been helping out mom and trying to keep her happy. You know how much of a hot-head she can be."

"Trust me, I know." Jack said with a look of understanding. "So the...project you and your dad have been working on is on pause for now?" he asked, making sure he was understanding that part correctly.

"For now." Leach answered.

Jack nodded, looking even more annoyed for some reason. "Would have been nice to hear about it sooner; Would have been even nicer if he came over himself and told me."

Twilight and Starlight were looking back and forth between the human and the filly, trying to figure out what they were discussing, as they have yet to be informed about the brutal training sessions.

"What project?" Starlight asked, taking the burden of doing so from Twilight.

Leach looked over at the two, then to her uncle, then back to them. "Sorry, I can't tell you that yet. It's top secret."

"In short; Piss off!" Jack followed up, basically repeating his niece's answer in his own words. "Anyway, let's head out. I haven't seen the bastard in a hot minute and I'd like to have a chat with him."

"Oh?" Leach responded curiously. "Okay then, let's go!"

The walk to Carrot Top and Tumor's place didn't take too long and most of the time they spent waking they chatted about her training. Normally Leach would come by the castle at least Twice a week with Tumor to grab him so she could learn how to fight. However, it had been several months since she stopped by and he was starting to wonder what was up. After a quick explanation about how her mom almost figured them out, it was understandable why they had stopped. Still though, they could have at least let him know sooner. He hardly blamed his niece, it wasn't her place to be the messenger.

They came upon the house after a few short minutes, Leach being the first to enter with her uncle trailing close behind. Tumor was laying on the couch, his eyes calmly shut as he napped comfortably while Carrot Top could be heard in the kitchen.

Jack pushed passed his niece and stood at the edge of the couch, staring down at his brother with a look of 'What the fuck?' on his face. "Hardly looks like he's helping with anything. Since when does he take naps?"

Leach moved by his side, looking over her father. "Since we stopped doing what we were doing. Now that he has some free-time he likes to get some rest here and there."

"Lazy fuck..." Jack said disapprovingly before grabbing his brother by the nose and shaking his head around. "Hey! Wake up, you fucking bitch-lord!"

Tumor awoke with a less-than-pleased look on his face as his opened to see his brother standing above him. He makes quick work of slapping his hand from his face before shooting him an tired/angry glare. "What the hell do you want?"

"For starters; I'd like to know why it took four months for anyone to tell me that we were taking a break." Jack explained, being mostly pissed at his brother for leaving him in the dark. "Also..." With the swing of his arm, a loud smack was heard as his hand met with the other conduits face. "You could try to fucking visit me too, asshole! It's not like I'm that far away!"

Tumor sat up, rubbing the red spot on his cheek, which vanished rather quickly. "First off; Fuck you!" He yelled, "Secondly; I don't live that far either, you cock-bite! You could always come down here whenever the fuck you want."

"That's bullshit." Jack replied, "You and I both know that Carrot Top would rather kick me in the head than let me come over."

As if on cue, Carrot Top walked into the room, almost not noticing Jack at first. "Tumor, who are you yelling- Oh..." She paused, staring with wide eyes at the fire conduit and doing her best to keep her disdain from his view. "Hello, Jack. What brings you here?"

"Oh, nothing." Jack replied innocently, grabbing his brother by his shirt and pulling him off of the couch. "Just felt like stopping by to see how my family was doing." He said, almost sounding like he was accusing them of something.

Carrot Top had to force a smile at this. "Well, isn't that nice of you." She said through gritted teeth, clearly being uncomfortable with his presence. If she were being honest, she never like Tumor's brother. Sebastian was alright, but Jack was another story entirely. Given what she knew of his past, and his constant need to be the biggest and baddest around, she found him to be both annoying and terrifying. "It's been great and all, but we're actually about to have dinner so-"

"Really?" Jack asked in an odd tone. "What are we having?"

"Um..." Carrot Top was stumped on how to answer this and felt like things were about to escalate. "Leach, honey; Go upstairs and get washed up, please."

"Okay?" Leach responded, glancing around the room really quick before departing up the stairs.

Jack waited for Leach to be out of earshot before attacking Carrot Top again. "So, you gonna tell me what's for dinner or what?"

Carrot Top was going to try and find an excuse for him to leave. Luckily for her, she didn't have to. "Jack, you're doing this on purpose." Tumor cut in, earning his brother and marefriend's attention. "If you could just stop, right now, that would be fucking fantastic."

"No, I wanna have a nice dinner with my brother and my niece." Jack argued, taking a step toward the other conduit as the room suddenly started to heat up. "Is it so wrong for me to want to spend time with my family?"

"Jack, I am not playing around anymore." Tumor shot back with a hint of venom in his words. "Fuck off!"

The room only grew hotter as the tension rose, Jack's fists tightening as smoke started rolling off of his body. "Oh, so now I'm the bad guy for wanting to see you and my kin?" He asked, the face paint he usually wore bubbling from the intense heat coming from him. "Seriously, I want to know what's so wrong about me wanting to see you guys. Tell me, fucking tell me!"

Tumor reached his hand out just as his brother's entire body ignited. Grabbing onto his shirt, he started to siphon the energy out of him, killing off the flames in mere seconds and leaving his brother too weak to fight. "Not. Here." He uttered quietly, each word carrying a certain amount of weight to it. "Especially not with my daughter around."

Jack was panting by the time he slapped his brother's hand off of him and started stumbling to the door. "You know what; Fuck you, and fuck you!" He yelled, gesturing to his brother and Carrot Top. Opening the door, he turns back, leveling an angry finger toward the stairs. "You're lucky I love that kid. If it wasn't for her, then not even the mighty six would be able to stop me from fucking killing both of you." On that note, he left, slamming the door behind him as he departed from the small cottage.

Tumor let out a relived sigh, feeling as though he had been holding his breath that hold time. He placed a hand to his head, letting himself fall back onto the couch. "For fuck sake..."

Carrot Top approached him slowly, not taking her eyes off of the door. "What is wrong with him?"

"It's not his fault." Tumor defended, not wanting his brother to look as bad as he made himself out to be. "It's just...everything that's happened...I should have been going out to see him." His hand fell from his face, resting on his lap.

Carrot Top reach up and grabbed his now free hand in her hoof, holding it tightly. "Tumor, don't blame yourself for how he acts. It's not your fault that he's such an ass."

Tumor nodded defiantly. "It's not his fault either." He explained with a guilty look on his face. "He just gets so torn up when all of us are apart for so long. After what happened back in our world, how we got separated, how we all started to suspect the other was dead..." He paused, trying to find the right words to help her understand the situation. "He's a tough stone to crack, that's undeniable. But, even before the blast, he was the most family oriented out of all of us. And I think with us all going our own ways, he felt abandoned."

It took her a minute to process all of this. She found it hard to view Jack as anything more than what he showed off. "I really don't see Jack as the kind of guy to have abandonment issues."

"I don't know." Tumor said with a shrug. "Believe it or not though, that stupid clown religion he has, has a hell of a family code; They believe that family is one's loyalty and dedication to another person." He explained, actually feeling pretty envious of their perspective on this kind of thing. "The way he sees it, family is always there by your side and is willing to die for you. Honestly, I think that's what makes him so edgy when it comes to me and Sebastian."

"With us all doing our own thing, he probably feels like our loyalty is dying. Which, in his mind, would exclude us from family status, which he really doesn't want to happen." Tumor finished, looking at his marefriend, his eyes pleading for her to understand at least that much about his brother. "What more can I say? The guy cares about us and all he wants is a little bit of our time to show that we appreciate him and that we're still here by his side."

It's a hard concept to grasp, what with Carrot Top's opinion of him, but it would explain a lot about him; Why he constantly kept having Tumor at the castle with him, how he reacted when he thought Sebastian had died, then their first interaction when they were reunited. Granted, she wasn't there for a majority of that, so she couldn't make much of a judgement call. All she knew was what Tumor had told her, but her bias seemed to override most of these stories. However, if Tumor was vouching for him, she would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Carrot Top smiled lovingly at Tumor, giving him an understanding nod. "I guess I don't need you around all of the time." She said in a joking manner, earning a smile from her human lover. "Come on now, otherwise the soup will be cold."

That was all Tumor needed to get his ass out of that couch and walking to the dining room. "Leach, move your ass!" He yelled up the stairs real quick. "There is soup on the line down here!"

"Not the soup!" Leach yelled down, her little hooves beating across the floor as she sprinted down to join her mother and father.

Author's Note

Damn...it has been a fucking while, huh?

I don't know why, but out of nowhere I got the sudden urge to play with this story a bit. I can't say how long I'll hold interest in it, but I think I'll tinker with it here and there.

I wonder if anyone will actually read this damn thing after it's been dead for so long.

Bad Hero (Part 1)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Pet the destroyer (My beast le royal)

Carrot Top walked in front of the chalkboard she had brought in the living room. It had all kinds of notes scribbled on it about good behavior, proper manners, and sexual harassment. "So, what have we learned today?" She asked with a proud smile donning her face. When she was met by nothing but silence she looked over at her student who appeared to be staring at the board, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. "Tumor!"

He snapped out of his day dream and focused on Carrot Top, it was like being back in his world but with less fighting. He was starting to get bored. "What?"

Her proud smile was long gone and replaced with an angry glare. "Where you even listening? This is very important in order for you to live a normal life here."

"Bitch, please. I didn't even live a normal life in my world." He explained. "Do you even realize that I have the power to lift you up with my mind and throw you all the way to the other side of this country?"

She now wore a challenging smile. "I doubt that."

Tumor's pupils shrank. "Excuse me, hoe?"

"That's right. Not only do I doubt you could do it to me, I doubt you could even lift a leaf with your so-called powers." She pressed. "I mean, you've brought them up multiple times to threaten me, but the only thing I've ever seen you do is open a cabinet."

Tumor stood up without a word and walked out of the front door.

"Hey, where are you going?" She asked, chasing after him. As she walked out of the front door she charged after him. She could see that he was walking toward the Everfree. Out of panic she tried to stop him, but soon found herself being grabbed and lifted over his shoulder. "Hey! Put me down you brute." She struggled to break free from his hold, but stopped when she felt a sudden rush of air around her. She looked to Tumor, then she look down, her eyes widening as she noticed the ground getting further and further away. They continued to go higher until the houses started looking like still ants. then they hovered in place.

Tumor grabbed her hind hoof in his hand and extended his arm out. Watching her scream as she looked down. "Listen and listen closely you fucking horse. I am a lot of things and I've accepted that. I am ever name in the god damn book of insults put together and multiplied by cancer. But I am not, and I repeat, I am not fucking weak! Do you understand!?.

She nodded frantically, seeing that she had pushed him too far. "Okay, I'm sorry. Please. put me down!" She begged, just wanting to go back home.

Tumor smiled and dropped her, listening to her screams as she fell, but only for a few feet. He held out a hand and caught her in his power, making her fly back up and levitate in front of him. "There, happy?"

She shivered, a mixture of fear, relief, and anger filled her face. "You're a fucking asshole!"

He laughed at her for almost a full minute before forcing himself to stop and catch his breath. "Oh my fucking hell, that was awesome."

She crossed her hooves and looked around. "You know it's actually pretty nice up here."

He nodded. "Yeah, I come up here to hide from you. Makes my days a little more bearable."

She shot him a glare, but this time she was smiling. "That's why I can never find you?"

He nodded and laughed at her. "Yep. It's funny as hell to watch you running to hell and back to find me."

She watched him chuckle before addressing his powers. "So, you can fly. I had no idea."

"Mhm." He confirmed. "I can do a lot of things."

She tilted her head at his comment. "Really? Like what?" She watched a mischievous smile creep across his face. "Tumor? Why are you smiling?"

Tumor flew higher into the air, taking off like a bullet as a stream of energy pulse around him. As he went higher, Carrot Top was brought with him. He turned and flew to the left, taking off even faster than last time. He and Carrot Top were neck and neck, the wind blowing wildly as they traveled at an incredible speed to their new destination. Carrot Top felt his hold on her disappear as he suddenly stop using his powers. They started falling. Carrot Top was screaming at the top of her lungs, but stopped when Tumor grabbed her and held her in his arms.

"I've got ya!" He yelled, making sure she would be able to hear him. He angled his body so his feet would face toward the ground. As they came closer to the earth all they could see for miles was a series of mountains and a land covered entirely with sand and rock. "Carrot, I'm gonna need you to trust me, okay?"

"Why? What are you-" She stopped as his body suddenly flipped and she was placed beneath his feet. She felt the force as he pushed her with his legs, as if using her to make himself fall faster.

"Later, bitch!" He laughed as he basically abandoned her to the sky, listening to her scream with a soft warmth in his heart. His body flipped at the last second and he landed hard on a pile of rocks, smashing most of them to pieces from the landing. He quickly looked up and saw the yellowish mare falling. She was maybe nine feet from the ground before he held out his arm, catching her with his powers.

Carrot Top had her eyes clenched shut, but opened them slowly when she noticed the sudden lack of wind hitting her face. She gasped at first, seeing that she was just above the ground and thinking she was still falling, but after a moment of processing she looked over at the man responsible. "You fucker!" She yelled with pure rage.

"Come on, do you really think I'm just gonna up and fucking leave you to die?" He paused for a second and thought about what he had said. "Come to think about it, it wouldn't exactly be out of character of me to do that. But still, have a little faith in me you bitch." He said, gently setting her on the ground.

She quickly fixed her mane with her hooves. "What are we doing all the way in the middle of the desert anyway?"

"Remember how I told you we had a whole code system in my world for our army? We all got names that were relevant to our powers." He explained.

She thought about it for a second. "I remember. You had a friend named David who went by the code name The Rhino because her could charge through almost anything. And they called you Tumor because of the way you act."

"Wrong." As he said this, he saw her expression shift. "Tumor was a nickname they gave me because of how I act." He stood up straight, taking up the posture that she explained would make him look most like a gentleman. He crossed one arm behind his back and cleared his throat. "Allow me to introduce myself Properly. My name is Dale E. Vidibleh, code name-" He held out his right hand and a bright shining red orb, about the size of a baseball, appeared. "The Destroyer..." He quickly spun around and threw the ball at the closest mountain, which stood about twenty miles away. The orb flew and landed at the very top of the mountain exploding on contact. The result was a large mushroom cloud engulfing it entirely. "You might wanna brace yourself." He said quickly lowering himself on all fours. He felt a warm sensation beneath him and upon looking he saw that Carrot Top had somehow managed to slip underneath him for refuge.

The wind and clouds that came were thick, harsh, and very strong. When it finally ended Tumor used his power to force a small breeze through the area, clearing out the smoke and dust.

Carrot Top got up after seeing that it was safe and looked toward where the mountain was. As the area became clearer and clearer her mouth couldn't help but hang wide open. The mountain was completely gone, the only thing left was a large crater where it once stood. "How...how!?"

He chuckled at her reaction. "Clean your fucking ears out. I told you, I am anything but weak. Anyway, I'm running low on energy, but I should have enough to get us home."

In her awe struck state she could manage to even formulate a reply other than a simple,"Uh huh..." She felt herself being picked up and thrown over his shoulder as they took flight back toward Ponyville. It took her a little while to recollect herself, but managed. He was flying slower than before, probably to conserve the energy he needed to get them there. "So, your name is Dale E. Vidibleh?"

A confused look filled his face. "Vidibleh? The fuck is that?"

"That's what you said."

He face palmed. "Dammit, now that whole god damn moment is ruined I wanted to say Dale E. Vladimir." He explained.

She giggled at him. "So I take it they didn't call you Vidibleh the destroyer."

"Fuck you."

"Don't be that way. Hey, maybe you could even be called Vidibleh the destroyer of worlds!" She teased. "All hail Vidibleh!"

"Bitch, I will fucking drop you!"

She looked down before replying. "Go ahead, we're already home."

"Thank god. Now I don't have to listen to you bitch." He flew down and slammed feet first into the ground, leaving a small hole in the ground.

Carrot Top hopped off of his shoulder and just outside of the hole. "Dammit all! Now I'm going to have to fix this. Thanks a lot you jerk."

"Oh, get off your high horse. I just took you on the ride of your fucking life, so deal with it you ginger slut."

They both glared daggers at each other, both of their stares being stronger than the other as they growled. Their expressions lightened and they started to grin and soon enough they even shared a small laugh.

Carrot Top sighed, looking back to the ground. "I really am gonna have to fix this though." She said calmly.

"Don't even worry about it." He held his hand out over the hole and the dirt started to rise. Once it was level with the rest of the yard fresh green grass started growing from it at a rapid pace until it was completely unnoticeable.

Carrot Top stared at the ground, jaw wide open as her yard was literally healed. "How did you do that?" She asked, looking up at him with bright eyes.

Tumor just shrugged and walked towards the house. "That's just energy conduits for ya." He said as he opened the door and walked in.

Carrot Top just smiled and entered her home. Once inside she and Tumor talked for a good hour or so. Depry was right, she thought to herself, despite Tumors odd mannerisms he was really fun and interesting to be around. She looked out the window and noticed that the sun was setting.

The two stopped talking when a grey pegasus walked in and sighed. "Wow, today was busier than usual." She looked over at the two in the living room. "Hello!" She said with a smile. she watched as they waved and smiled back at her. "So what did you two do today?"

Carrot Top and Tumor looked at each other and started chuckling. "Derpy, girl do we have a story for you. Don't we?" She asked Tumor with a nudge.

"Oh fuck yeah." He said in agreement.

The wall-eyed mare blinked a few times before replying. "What do you mean?"

"Well for starters I almost killed Carrot the fuckwit." He said, pointing a finger at Carrot Top.

Derpy immediately jumped in. "Tumor!"

Why do good girls like bad guys

It was a normal day for Twilight; The sun was up, birds were chirping, and she was out and about running a few routine errands. Fist she grabbed a few groceries to help keep herself and the three conduits that were now living with her fed, next went over to to speak with a few of her friends and check up on them, and finally she went down to the bank to check her balance. This was something she started doing on a weekly basis after she became a princess. Now that she was royalty she got a large sum of bits every month and she liked to make sure she had a toned out balance between her checking and her savings. She made her way up to the bank teller after waiting in line for a couple of minutes to finally get the information she wanted. "Hello sir, I'm here for my weekly account check-up."

"Right away Princess Twilight." The teller said cheerily, grabbing her file and looking it over. "You currently have four hundred bits in your checking and seven bits in savings.

Twilight's happy expression shot into on of confusion. "I'm sorry, but by seven you meant seven hundred, right?"

"Nope. Says here you have a mere seven." He explained, confirming Twilight's fears.

"How is that possible? I had over eight hundred bits in there!" She exclaimed, "How could it have..." She stopped herself and her expression changed once more, this time to an angered realization. After storming out of the bank and flying back to the castle she kicked the doors open and marched into the large structure looking for her target. However, her search was in vein. That was until she found Tumor sitting in the throne room reading the Ponyville newspaper. She made her way over to his side and cleared her throat to get his attention. "Tumor, where's Jack?"

Tumor lowered the paper and turned to face Twilight. "I think he's in the backyard working on that project he's been talking about all week." He answered. "Why? You figure out what it is yet?"

"No, but I'm about to." She said sternly before marching out outside. When she made it to the backyard she found herself being met with a strange sight. A large blue tarp standing up and shaped out to look like a small circus tent. There was an occasional flash of light which was followed by a loud buzzing noise. But the noise coming from Jack's activities didn't mask the singing he was doing within, which made Twilight come to a sudden halt and listen in.

"We're not sorry if we tricked you! The carnival will carry on. Suck my nuts, bitch! Fuck you!...Suck my nuts, bitch! Fuck you! Inner city posse got the dog beat ICP, we got the dog beats. Inner city posse got the dog beat ICP, we got the dog beats. Three rings a ding-a-ding-ding, people like to point and stare. Three rings a ding-a-ding-ding, it's the same as everywhere. Murder go round, murder go round! How you gonna fuck wit a wicked clown! Murder go round, murder go round! How you gonna fuck wit a wicked clown!"

Twilight felt very unsettled by this behavior and decided rather than to storm in their and start yelling at a guy singing very loudly about stuff like this that maybe she should just approach him calmly. She walked over and used the technique Cadance had shown her to help settle her nerves before calling Jack's name. "Hey, can we talk for just a minute, please?"

Jack rolled out of the tent laying on a skateboard with his skin covered in grease and something that looked a lot like soot. Twilight took notice of a small device on his torso that was playing music and seemed to continue the song Jack was singing earlier. This brought Twilight some comfort, knowing that he was just singing along to that song. That quickly vanished when she remembered that a lot of things only listen to music that appeals to their own specific tastes and sometimes their upbringing/the life they lived and/or are living. He watched her sink deep into thought and decided to address her before she had an aneurysm. "What the fuck do you want purple bitch?" He asked slowly.

Twilight shook her head and cleared her throat as well as her mind. "Right, well, I was just wondering. Do you know how many bits you spent getting things for your little project?"

"A lot, but don't worry about it. Most of the shit I got free cause I said it was by order of the princess." He explained, rolling back into the small blue tent, leaving only his feet outside of it.

Twilight facehoofed and used her magic to grip on of Jack's legs and pull him back out. "Do you realize that almost all of my savings are gone?"

"Do you realize that I could replenish them with the magic of patience? You're fucking royalty, you'll get a shit-load more by next week." He rolled back into the tent.

Twilight let out a defeated sigh, he was right after all, but she couldn't let him get away with just using her money like that. "Can we at least establish a budget limit here?"

"Don't need to, I'm done." He said, rolling himself out from under the tent, holding a moist rag to clean himself off with. "It's finally done! Whoop Whoop!"

Twilight ignored his weird clown chant that he does from time to time and looked at the tent. "You know, it was my money that helped put whatever is in there together. I think it's only fair if you let me see it."

He stared her down for a minute before deciding that he didn't see the harm in showing her, he was going to use it pretty soon anyway. After turning off his music and shoving the device in his pocket he walked over to the tent and tossed the rag he was holding onto Twilight's head. After levitating it off of her face she looked over to see Jack ripping the tent down to reveal a large metal object with wheels and tubes of all kinds. It was very reflective with the lower have being black while the upper half was red. Kind of a reverse in comparison to how he dressed with a black shirt and red pants.

Twilight didn't know what to think of it, she didn't even know what it was, but Jack seemed to be pretty proud of it. "What exactly is it?"

He hopped on top of the built in leather seat and grabbed the metallic handlebars, decorated with holes that fed into the machine. "This, purple horse, is a fire powered Dodge Tomahawk. One of the fastest motorcycles to ever exist with over five hundred horsepower and a top speed of three hundred and fifty miles per hour and can be charged with my own renewable fuel."

Twilight tilted her head at it. "I don't get it. Why would you need something like that?"

"No one needs something like this, but who knows, maybe it'll help me save the fucking world one day or something...Anyway, let's see if I can get her to start." His hands ignited, feeding the flames into the handles where a suction process began and pulled them into the core of the machine where a chemical reaction began and started the over powered vehicle. As the bike was given life it purred loudly to it's owner who seemed to be in pure ecstasy sound the success filled his ears. "Oh sweet merciful Shangri-La, that's good." He muttered to himself.

Twilight became mildly disturbed at how he was acting. It was like watching a monkey have sex with a robot and she really didn't know whether to be fascinated or disgusted. "Jack, are you okay?"

"I have. The greatest. Boner..." He simply replied.

"Eww!" She shouted shouted, not being the slightest bit interested to hear about his sex organs. "That's just-"

"Get on..."

Twilight stared at him, confused. "What?"

"Get. On this bike. Right fucking now." He said softly. She didn't know how to react, but Jack seemed serious. Twilight reluctantly complied and flew onto the bike, it being too tall for her to climb on. "You ready?" He asked out of nowhere, but before she could reply he revved the bike up, "Don't Care!" And with that they were off, Twilight instinctively wrapping her hooves around his waist, holding on for dear life as the vehicle went from being at a complete stop to traveling so fast she couldn't see the area around her. Jack drove across the open lands just outside of Ponyville, circling the city, increasing in speed with every passing second. He started whooping and hollering as the bike reached its maximum speed and he made a sharp turn to a very steep hill in the distance.

Twilight was silently cowering behind Jack, only looking when she noticed the sudden change in direction. She stared at the hill intently, knowing what he was planning but instinctively asking him, "What are you doing!?"

"You know damn well what I'm doing!" As he finally reach the base of the hill he gripped the handles as tight as he could to keep him from falling. The vehicle slammed into the hill and started traveling up and up and up until they were just about at the very top. By the time they could see over the edge of the mountain top they were already several yards in the air, soaring over trees and small families picnicking at the top. After almost a full minute of being air-born they landed hard against the ground and Jack immediately pulled the braked, bringing the bike to a grinding halt. Once stopped Jack looked up at the sky, panting as if he had run a marathon. "That was fucking great." he managed to say between breaths.

Twilight held a hoof to her chest, she was pale, and her eyes were bulging out of their sockets. She looked like she was in the middle of having a heart attack. She looked up at Jack, who had apparently spun around on his seat to face her at some point, and stared at him with a mixture of fear and 'What the fuck just was that!?' in her eyes.

Jack chuckled at her expression. "Hey, you gonna make it shit-stain? Don't die on me now, Celestia Jong-un will have my fucking head cut off, then she'll decapitate me."

Twilight nodded, being pretty much incapable of doing much else, let alone even attempting to speak. That trip was horrifying, to say the least, but for some reason she felt...good. Like some part of her actually enjoyed what had just happened. She didn't know really how to explain it, something about being scared for her life made her feel good. It never happened during big events, like the battle with Tirek and her encounter with deadly gas-breathing plants and so on, but this excited her.

Jack was reading her features as she internally fought herself on how she felt about her most recent near death experience. He smiled and spun back around, starting the bike back up. He knows she enjoyed it, from a bad-boy to a bad-girl, he could tell. All he would need to do was press a little more and he'll get that rebellious side buried deep within Twilight out in the open. Then maybe things would really start to get fun around here. And who knows, maybe he could introduce her to the wonderful world of The Wicked Clown, you know? Show her first hand just how great the Dark Carnival can really be.

Good old days, maybe more?

Now that Tumor and Carrot Top had settled their differences and were back on more than just speaking terms she decided to re-invite him to live with her. However, this time she was not going to allow him to sleep in the basement, despite how much he pleaded. They would now be sharing a room. Her reasoning for this was because she was looking to start something with him, something more than just being basically fuck buddies. She couldn't fight this feeling in her chest that constantly made her think about him and she wanted to take their friendship further. She didn't know how he would react, but you only live once so it's time to take a risk. She'd rather have a life of Oh well's than What if's.

After a few days of sharing a room Tumor was starting to get used to it. It was actually pretty nice to have a permanent pony cuddle buddy, aside from their other activities that is.

Today Carrot Top got them reservations at the fanciest restaurant in Ponyville, which made him question her sanity. Her taking him out to dinner at a nice place despite how much of an ass he is. What fucking sense does that make? Never-the-less, he agreed. He may have his moments, but only an idiot would turn down a free meal.

What the fuck do you mean He may have his moments?

[Dick-hole, back to the story.]

Fuck you...

Tumor threw on the nicest cloths he owned. He may be an asshole, but he was not apposed to being classy every now and again. He looked over his attire in the mirror. Black dress pants and a vest over a red dress shirt and black tie. He straighten the tie a bit, picturing himself doing so as if he were in an old movie where he was about to purpose to his girlfriend.

Dumbass, I don't have a girlfriend

[Dipshit, I was making a simile]

Carrot Top exited her room wearing a red dress, knowing how much Tumor loved red. Well, loved wasn't exactly it. It was more like it was his color of pride, being how his energy is red. Why these thoughts were entering her head were due to reasons unknown to even her. Perhaps the writer is starting to feel a little weird from the new medication he is on, or perhaps because he forgot to take them when he was supposed to.

Dude, go take a fucking nap

[Fuck you, the story must go on!]

As Carrot Top gathered all of what she would need into her saddle bag she called out for Tumor to let him know that she was ready. "Tumor, I'm ready when you are."

"Just a second." He replied to her, making a few quick fixes on his hair. Out of all of the brothers he was the most picky about his. It had to be gelled a certain way and stay that way for the remainder of the day.

Do you even realize how many times you rhymed in that sentence?

[...Holy shit, I had no fucking clue...]

"Tumor, who are you talking to?" Carrot Top asked as she opened the bathroom door to find him standing there staring at the mirror.

He cleared his throat before telling her that he wasn't speaking to anyone [Dick] and resuming his preparations, primarily the hair.

Carrot Top couldn't help but giggle at him, it was funny how anal he was [and I don't mean in that way you sick bastards] about his hair. [see] She trotted over to him and pulled on his pant leg, her way of summoning him to her height.

Tumor got on his knees for her [hehehe] and allowed her to play with his hair until she was content with it.

"There, all better?" She asked, prompting him to look in the mirror once more.

"Looks nice, thanks sweetheart." He replied, earning him a slight blush from Carrot Top. She hated when he called her that, she would turn red in the face every time. Correction, when he said it and it wasn't followed by the ever so famous Fuck you.

[God, what a dick.]

Who the fuck do you think made me this way?

[My point exactly]

The couple-We're not a couple.

[Shut up! I'm telling the story.]

As they made their way to the restaurant they talked about their living arrangements and Carrot Top's plans to extend her garden. He never understood why the mare was so obsessed with Carrots, but her name spoke it all. However one would wonder if maybe that was their way of controlling what their child becomes in this world. Maybe it's a conspiracy, the whole world here controls what the new generation does by giving them certain names that they 'just so happen' to get a cutie mark damn near resembling their name for. Their names and special talents co-Seriously, do you need to go back to the fucking nut house?

[No, but I'm just saying. What if that's why is Equestria is in such harmonic balance, because these ponies don't have free will. Their names and special talents coincide. The names that their parents give them connects to their special talent!]

...You need to stop talking, because you're starting to make sense.

[See!]

But shouldn't we get back to the story?

[Oh shit]

They enter the building to be met with a long line of ponies which prompted the two of them to sigh in a very annoyed manner. The line seemed to be moving quickly at least, mostly due to the stallion turning down almost anypony that wanted to enter. It's a good thing Carrot Top got reservations in advance.

Tumor looked around and spotted a bathroom just a few feet away from them. "You talk to the guy, okay. I gotta take a leak."

Carrot Top nodded and watch as he went off to the bathroom before her attention was turned to the restaurant secretary. "Hi, reservations for two under the name Carrot Top."

He skimmed through the list in front of him and nodded. "I'm sorry, but you do not have reservations here."

She tilted her head slightly, "I'm pretty sure I do, I made them yesterday. Would you mind checking again?"

He looked back down at the list and nodded again, "Nope, you're not on here. You cannot enter."

"Come on, I've been-" Carrot Top was suddenly cut off, by a humanoid figure standing beside her.

"Hey, buddy." Tumor began. "The lady got reservations and I know it, so how about you knock off the bullshit and let us through."

The stallions eyes widened at the sight of Tumor. "It's you, you're Dale the warhorse! I'm so sorry sir. Oh, a table just opened up, right this way." He quickly got off his pedestal and walked the two to an empty table. "Somepony will be right with you." He added before taking off to the back.

"That was easier than I expected, I thought I was gonna have to knock him out." Tumor said, taking his seat on the opposite end of Carrot Top.

She took hers as well and sighed. "How did they not get my reservations, I took care of everything a whole day in advance."

"Forget about it, the schmuck let us in, so all is fine now."

"Yeah, but only because I was accompanied by the hero of Ponyville." She looked around the room and quickly took notice of all the ponies staring at them and whispering among themselves. "I think you have a few fans here too."

"Probably, but fuck it. Tonight's not about them and hopefully they can respect that." He said, speaking up at the last part and making all of the ponies turn their heads back to their tables as to not disturb him. "Like I said, it's all fine now."

A waiter appeared seemingly out of nowhere and placed two menus on the table. "Here you are. Can I get you anything to start you off?"

"Yeah, how about you tell that asshole at the front to start doing his job, after that we'll take a bottle of dandelion wine." Tumor said to the waiter who merely nodded and vanished just as quickly as he showed up.

Carrot Top was doing everything in her power not to laugh at him and his crude behavior. She had not only gotten used to it, but had grown to understand the humor behind the way he acts and was quickly learning to love it.

About an hour later the two pushed their plates to the center of the table, satisfied with their meal. Carrot Top let out a light belch and covered her mouth with her hoof. This however made Tumor chuckle. "You know, you're too cute sometimes."

She blushed once again and waved a hoof at him. "Stop that! You're making all flustered."

"It's cool, just blame the alcohol, that's what I do." He commented, grabbing the wine bottle by the neck and taking a swig from it. "Man, that's some good stuff. I didn't think dandelions would actually taste good."

"Well, maybe if you were a bit more open to trying some of the stuff we ponies eat then you could learn to enjoy it."

"That requires effort." He replied, "Speaking of effort. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why go through so much shit to get reservations at a place like this for us? We could have just gone down to the Hay Burger and grabbed something there. Instead you chose to come here, why?"

"Well..." She tensed up slightly, "I wanted tonight to be special."

"Now you've really got me curious. Come on, girl, spit it out. "

"Because..." She was suddenly afraid to ask. What should she do? No, she promised herself she would do this and dammit she would!

"I'm waiting on you, sweetheart."

It was now or never, "Because I wanted to ask..." A fearful blush spread across her face as she finally managed to force the words out "if you'd let me be...your very special somepony..."

[And Stop!]

Now that this area is frozen in time, I'm going to take a vote. That's right, a vote. Whatever you guys decide shall be the fate of this night. Should Tumor say yes and learn what it's like to be in a committed relationship with somepony, or should he continue to be a free-spirited whore who'll basically sleep with anypony. I can't wait to see what you guys have to say so I'm gonna end this story here and let y'all get to voting. Should he agree to date Carrot Top? Yes or No. Go!

[Q & A: Announcement] (3)

Wow, it's been a while since we've done one of these.
What? Waste our time?
Fuck off.
Why are we doing this again anyway
Well because We've had so many changes since the last one. Sebastian's got his own house, Dale's in an actual relationship and you...you just look different...I'm not used to it
Eat a dick
Ladies first
Would you all leave him alone. Jack looks just fine the way he is. Honestly, is it so bad that he dresses differently now.
It's out of character
It's weird
An unnatural sight, however I do not see the issue.
Stop doing that!
Fuck demon, we should have called you ghost.
...shit that's a good idea...fuck it, what's done is done.
Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be announcing something?
What? Oh shit, right. Damn, how do we always get off track? Never mind. Anyway, ladies and gentle-dumb asses, welcome to our third Q & A announcement! I figured that since all of our characters are taking big steps forward in their lives that starting another one of these would be a good way to help clarify things or answer whatever random questions are just bubbling around in your brain stems. Twilight, the list!
In this Q & A you are allowed to ask questions to any of the following; Tumor, Jack, Sebastian, Maud, Carrot Top, Me, and Lord Evil himself.
Thank you, Twi.
No problem :twilightsmile:
Sadly, I will be removing the breif meetings though. I'm still working on some new ideas from the last ones so we're going to put that on pause. Maybe next time :P
That reminds me. Twilight, you may have a few visitors later.
Oh? Who?
You'll see.
You're still grounded for that you know.
I'm confused...
I'm so sorry.
For what?
For Tumor
Why? What did he do???
You'll see
Stop saying that!
Can we fucking move on?
Yeah, that's probably best. So, brief meetings are gone until the next Q & A session, maybe. But feel free to post your questions in the comments below. They can be about...well just about anything. We only ask that you specify who it is you are asking and before you ask; Yes, you can ask multiple questions at once. In fact it's preferred cause it gives me more to work/experiment with. Thank you to everyone who's been following the story this far and I hope you all continue to enjoy this story as time goes on. I'll catch y'all later.
This is a short fucking announcement.
All of them are short.
Yeah, but this one is only four hundred and seventy words
Don't care! Deuces, bitch!