Of Broken Innocence and Shattered Realities

Blur…

How would you feel if everything was taken away from you?

Not just your personal possessions, sentimentally valued trinkets ; achievements, but much, much more.

...

Throughout our life, we were all granted countless gifts, as well as denied a multitude of them. Most of these were distributed to every living being, despite our sapience or lack thereof. On other occasions, they are given to us at random, for those lucky, or unlucky enough to be present at a certain location and time.

There is the possibility that chaos has something to do with this, but for now, that's unimportant.

What really matters are those gifts.

They range from being beneficial, or disadvantageous, to being downright useless (depending on who receives what, and how it is utilised). However, most of all living beings quickly discovered that, part of what was gifted to us, could also be transmitted from the old ascendant to their new generation over the course of time.

With the transmitted legacy amongst the countless generations, it is now rumoured that a few creatures among us were able accumulate enough of those gifts, to turn into beings of powerful might.

And again, it is also rumoured that, those particular wielders would either be sought after, or tracked down by the wealthy, the corrupt, and the ignorant alike.

So what would happen if, let's assume, a creature was granted a gift far beyond that of its abilities and control? Be it for good or evil.

How do you think this being would go on about hoofling that power?

Call it a divine blessing, a malevolent curse, a common ability... or in my case, a mistake.

Just know that, as all younglings who can never choose their parents, we were never asked for what was bestowed upon us.

All that we can do, is try and live to the best of our abilities. No matter how much, or little that we have.

[...]

Somehow, my mind always seemed to find itself at peace while being here beside you. Even, despite knowing full well that you won’t respond. I suppose that’s fine. Even if the faint stench of death is carried upon the air. I’m just glad to be far away from them.

Right now, only a few emotions are flowing through my mind. The strongest one being anger and rage.

I want to do so many horrible things to them right now. I really do. Deep down, however, I know that it would be wrong. Even if I fantasise about it most of the time.

She would never accept me if she knew.

…

I know. I changed since the last time I came here.

Only a few days have passed, and look at what I've became. Ha! Such a joke, right!?

I am bad at cooking. I still have problems with numbers. I'm even useless at helping with homework. And I got in trouble while I was at work. Best of all, I couldn’t even provide what any decent being could call basic love and care for her.

If only you could be there, even if it meant just for a few minutes. Things would have been so much better.

But I have been denied that request for a very long time, and think that I’m finally starting to lose it.

Let’s not mention those traitors, and bigoted xenophobes... If it weren’t for them, I would have never lost her in the first place.

Muffin, please be safe...

My mind can only be considered a mess. Whenever I close my eyes, the memories of their actions seem to increase my anger. The stares, the failures, the whispers, and the pain.

So, so much pain...

You know that I tried, don’t you?

You made me promise, and I have kept my word up until now...

I did my best at studying and being a good filly, just as we agreed. Even if I had a lot of trouble at first, I still kept going, moving on as the weeks slowly turned into months, and then years.

I was in constant limbo with my feelings, and the others weren’t that great at easing my mind. The ponies I’ve encountered, the world surrounding me, both of those became sad and insignificant to me as time ticked by.

Ha! The more I think about it, the less I want to be around others— except you, of course...

It took me a few extra years than that of other fillies and colts for me to gain an equivalent level of consciousness and knowledge. I also found an interest in reading books, mostly adventures and sometimes romance. Most of the times, I had to read a chapter twice to understand the general concept, so don’t you get the wrong ideas, okay?

Either way, deep down, I know that you would still be proud of me. Not because I succeeded, but because I tried my hardest.

I guess, all the trouble of getting me educated finally paid off…

And…

Thank you for believing in me, wherever you are.

...

Still, even after all this, I seem to attract nothing more but trouble. Just like those bullies back then...

...

In the end, I guess I can’t hide from you how it all started. Not that I don't want to tell you, but I need you to know the truth.

…

Back then, before it all started to go downhill, the teachers were the first to give up on me. I know, it seem strange and impossible to believe. Being so young, you might believe that I was distorting the truth to fit my narrative. However, I can still remember their faces. It was that of somepony who felt sorry for your loss, but at the same time would step on you if it meant helping somepony else they were more attached to.

During class, they always had to pause in their teachings so that I could understand as well as everypony else. The idea was so that nopony would be left behind. Being the ‘special’ filly in the classroom, I was happy to receive the special treatment. They knew that you couldn’t help me anymore—that was their best idea back then.

Eventually, over the weeks, their plan backfired. We were left behind the school’s planned schedule. As a result, we had to increase our lessons after they realised their error.

After that, I was assigned a ‘teaching friend’. It was mostly a volunteered classmate, who saw to it that I understood ideas and concepts that appeared complicated. In the end, it did not matter to me—I had someone around my age to spend some time with. That, too, turned out to be a mistake.

Those who helped me soon realised that they were falling behind as well. They had little time on their hooves between helping me, doing their chores, playing with their friends, and so on. I wouldn’t be surprised if, as a result, their grades had slightly dropped.

They started to become distant, creating excuses to not volunteer in helping me. I don’t think that I can blame them now—they were too young at the time. Their parents, they might have been the ones who demanded their foals to stop helping me. Nonetheless, it didn’t make up for the fact that I now had no one to help other than myself.

I realised what was happening the moment they started avoiding me. They suddenly found in interest in clouds or rocks, whenever I looked their way. Using fewer words to quickly end a conversation when I addressed them. I thought I did something wrong to make them all act so coldly against me. I never knew that, unanimously and in silent agreement, my classmates had vowed to consider me as a living burden, a pariah.

I truly felt sad, and had little to cheer me up. Your words were one of those few things.

You made me promise to always try, even if things became complicated, and so, I tried. Sure, they all pretended to care—after all, who would have wanted to be labelled a mean filly or colt? I understood the emptiness in their words, their apathy.

And because I kept trying, despite knowing that I was fighting a losing battle, others thought that I was still oblivious to their actions, that I would never understand that I was being picked on. Therefore, they decided to be more direct in their approach.

They started to make fun of my appearance, and to be fair, I did not mind at first, thinking that they had finally wanted to talk to me, in their own way, and not about me. I still had to struggle learning on my own as well, so I believe I was desperate for a friend at that time.

The moment they used my disability as a ‘daily funny topic’, well, you already know what happened after that.

…

Now, if something ever happened, I will always left alone to figure out what that something was truly about.

My thoughts blurred, and whenever I closed my eyes, I was greeted with your unreadable expression, as well as Dinky’s...

I keep thinking that I failed her, as a pony, as her friend. That I wasn’t strong enough to protect her, I, her mother. That I didn’t see the clear signs of her changing right in front of me, under our own roof.

I still want to understand what mistakes I have made, what drove her to despise me so much so that I could fix this. Why do I always realise things when it’s already too late and beyond salvation?

I hate myself. I. Hate. Myself. My dull fur. My crossed eyes. The impression I gave others. 'Stupid Derpy Doo'. 'Clueless Derpy Doo'.

Why? Of all ponies, why her? Why us? I just… I just don’t know what went wrong!

I… I hate myself, and so should you.

I failed to show her the love that you brought to me, the love that we shared…

The only thing of value that you left for me.

The… The only reminder that… you… would always watch over us.

Please, show me a sign. Anything you want, I don’t care. Just... let me know you’re still here.

...

Please, Daddy?