They say life will get better. But it never does.
My hooves clicked as I walked down the tiled floor. The hood on my jacket was flung over my head, hiding my face from the world. The sleeves covered nearly all of my forelegs and covered most of my torso. My cutie mark, a gray rain cloud, peeked out just barely. Strands of my mane peeked out of the hood and swung down by my face.
I held my books in my saddle bag sitting over the black hoodie. My saddle bag was also black, matching my jacket. People at school hated me. I could never figure out why. But, they would make fun of me behind my back and to my face. I’ve always been sensitive and I tried to hide my tears from the world.
I don’t know what it was exactly that prompted me to start cutting myself, but it happened a long time ago. None of my friends know about it, and nobody else at school does either. My parents ignore me, so they’ve never noticed. But, it’s not like I care. I’m glad nobody has noticed the red gashes along my silvery gray forelegs.
I walk into the classroom and sit down, letting my hood fall back down, revealing my face and the rest of my black and purple mane. My bangs covered half of my face, and was longer than the back of my mane, which was cut extremely short.
I blinked my blue-green eyes and turned to face the front of the classroom. The teacher was sitting at his desk, grading papers with a red pen. Very few students were in class, and those who were, were standing around and talking. I pulled out my notebook and started working on the problem scrawled on the whiteboard at the front of the classroom.
I finished before everyone was even in class, so I read the book I had brought with me. I had no friends in this class, and it was my best subject, so I didn’t really find it necessary to pay attention. I pulled my headphones out of my saddle bag and put them in my ears, which were pierced all the way down my entire ear.
I turned on music and let the metal play heavy and loud in my ears, taking the world away from me and bringing me sweet silence. The teacher noticed, but I did this often, and he knew I understood the material and that it was easy for me, so he allowed it. He walked over to my desk and discretely set down a work sheet. The work sheet, I presumed, we would be doing today.
I got to work on it, and finished it quickly. I pushed it into the corner of my desk and pulled my book in front of me and began reading it once again. When he passed by my desk again later during class, he took my paper and gave me a small nod. I sort of smiled at him and nodded back.
Once class was over, I put away my headphones because I had two of my four friends in my next class. I could talk to them and maybe smile today. I walked into class with a small smile, I wasn’t even wearing my hood over my face.
My best friends, a mare named Starflare squealed when I walked into the room and ran over to me and wrapped her hooves around me in a hug. “Lavender! I missed you so much over the weekend!” She said happily.
I hugged her back, though I wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic as she was. “Hey, Star,” I said. Her style was similar to mine, though she acted very different. Her mane and tail were originally pink, though she dyed them to be black. To her displeasure, a few pink strands still peeked through the black, and it was growing back in at the roots.
She had a dark purple coat which she liked because she said we matched. I never really agreed with her, but I didn’t argue about it either. Her eyes were a bright, happy green. We stepped away from the doorway as a few other ponies, jocks, filed into the room. We went to the back of the classroom where she and I sit next to Tempest, my other friend.
Tempest was a stallion, the same age as us. He wore large glasses and his mane and tail were both electric green. He didn’t like it because it made him stand out, but he never bothered to change it. His coat was black, which made him stand out even more. His eyes were yellow, which I always found strange, but it matched his coat and mane.
Both Tempest and Starflare had pierced their ears. Tempest just wore one in each ear, small silver studs, almost covered by his mane. And Starflare had a few small hoops lining the bottoms of her ears, neither had as many as I did.
Tempest and I never wore any kind of make up, but Star always insisted on lining her eyes with black. I never understood it, but it looked good on her, so I just went with it. Star has always been a happy pony, she’s almost like the yin to my yang. Tempest and I are both shy and introverted, we don’t really talk, or smile. We get along great. I’m not sure how Star and I even became friends. But somehow, we make it work. All of my friends and I are earth ponies. It's not like we don't like pegasi or unicorns, we just all happen to be earth ponies.
The bell rang and everypony had to sit down and start there work. The teacher quickly explained what we were doing that day and then handed out a worksheet and let us figure it out on our own.
I found it easy, just like everything else academic in school. The only thing not easy about school, for me, was dealing with the other ponies. Most of them, if not all of them, hated me and talked about me. That’s why I constantly had my headphones in my ears with the volume turned up and why I wore my hood over my head.
My philosophy is that if I can’t see them, then they can’t see me. I know it’s not really true, but it helps me to think it so I can ignore all the shit everypony says about me.
So many times I have tried to end my miserable life, but I had always failed. pathetic, I know. What kind of person fails to kill themselves? Sometimes, I had good days, but the majority were bad.
I always tried to ignore everything, except for my small group of friends. I knew they all had other friends, but they stuck to me. But one day, everything about the good parts of my life–my friends–changed.
* * *
I walked into the school, but Star didn’t greet me at my locker as she usually did. I didn’t see Tempest, Blaize or Silvermane all day. Not even during lunch. My mood sank deep down. I felt like I swallowed my heart. They couldn’t all be sick? Could they?
I suffered through the rest of the day. I had forgotten to charge my mp3 player so I couldn’t distract myself with music. So I heard just about everything that anypony was saying in class or as I walked down the hallway. I heard that Star, Tempest, Blaize and Silvermane had all skipped today.
I know not to trust what anypony who hates me says at school, but I somehow knew that this was true. I held back my tears and swallowed down the pain. I tried to ignore everything they were saying: that they had abandoned me, that they didn’t care, that they didn’t want anything more to do with me. But there was always the possibility that it was true.
Maybe they had all found out that I cut myself. Had they seen it? I thought I had been careful. I forced myself to go through the rest of the school day without cutting myself or biting myself. Though the need to bleed was just so strong. The need for pain and blood reverberated through me and I could feel my forelegs throbbing. I somehow managed not to, and once school ended I hurried over to Star’s house.
At this point, I had let the tears flow, and they burned my eyes and stained my cheeks. I furiously knocked on her door until she answered.
“Hi-oh... Lav… It’s you.” She said. She didn’t sound like herself. She spoke in monotones and I realized she had changed her hair color to blue.
“Hi, Star…” I started. I was a little scared to ask what was going on with her, but I just had to know. “Ummm…. Why weren’t you at school today?” I managed to ask.
“Well….. Lavender…. I saw your forelegs. I can’t believe you cut yourself. I mean, I know you’re depressed and all, but why?” She asked me.
I shook my head. When had she seen? “I… I don’t know… I just do…. It…. It helps sometimes…..” I whispered softly.
“I’m sorry Lav, but I just can’t do it anymore. The way you’re depressed all the time, it brings me down, and Tempest too. I told him, and Blaize and Silvermane. They needed to know. They feel the same way I do.” She sighed and shook her head. “I just can’t be your friend anymore. You drag me down, and you make me sad. I try to make you feel better, but you don’t seem to hear me.” She shook her head.
“But…..” I started. Tears were now streaming down my face, I couldn’t stop them. My voice cracked when I tried to speak and it was loud and distorted. I couldn’t talk now, I wouldn’t be able to form words.
“I try to make you feel better when you’re down. I tell you how beautiful and talented and smart you are, but you never accept it. You blow me off. Nothing makes you feel better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just can’t handle the stress. I’m sorry, Lav.” She said.
She gave me one last apologetic look, and then closed the door. I stood on her doorstep for a moment, staring at the closed door as the tears poured down my face. I held my breath and I heard a small sob from inside. That didn’t change my mood. I took in a few short, shaky breaths and then turned and galloped away, running straight home. I crashed into the house, mom and dad weren’t home, they were both working.
I kicked the door shut and ran through the house to my room. I searched the drawers and cabinets for my razor. But my vision was so blurry that I couldn’t see anything. I wiped my eyes, tore off my jacket and when I found the blood-stained razor beneath my mattress, I layed down on the bed, took a few shaky breaths to calm myself enough to make clean cuts.
I took the razor in my mouth, the sharpest end facing out. I put my forelegs out in front of me and frantically slashed back and forth and them both. I didn’t care that there were still cuts healing. Blood sloshed out of my forelegs and spilled all over the sheets and down my gray fur. I cut until the tears stopped, until nothing but blood was on my forelegs. My chest heaved up and down as I set the razor down.
I slowly sat up. The room was spinning, I was starting to feel dizzy. Everything zoomed in and out of focus. I heard something faintly in the background, but the pounding in my head blocked everything out.
I tried to stand up, but my legs gave out beneath me and I let out a muffled groan as I fell. I looked up at my closed door as everything turned black.
The next thing I know, my eyes are open and a dim light fills my eyes. I flinch and close my eyes again, letting out a groan. Feeling slowly travels through my body and all I feel is pain. I groan again, slightly louder.
“She’s awake!” I hear somepony say happily. I open my eyes, let them adjust and squint around the room trying to find who it was.
I’m in a small room, with a window, tucked into a bed. I quickly realize I’m in a hospital. My memories flood back into my head, giving me a headache. I look again and see that there are only two other ponies in the room. A nurse with a white coat and pink mane and tail pulled into a bun, and another stallion, about my age. I had probably seen him around school at some point. Both his mane and tail were black, and I couldn’t see his cutie mark from this angle.
I wasn’t sure which one of them had originally said “She’s awake,” because they were both staring at me like a miracle had just been performed in front of them. I looked back and forth between the two of them.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” the nurse said. She then turned to the stallion, “I’ll just check her vitals and then you can talk to her.” She said. Her voice was soft and sweet, nothing like the voice of who had declared me awake, who I now guessed was the stallion. He nodded at her and she walked over to me, checking a screen next to my bed, jotting down information on the clipboard she held with her.
When she finished, she nodded at the stallion. “She’s stable enough to handle a conversation.” Then she left the room.
The stallion stood and walked closer to my bed. I tried to sit up, but he stopped me. “You shouldn’t sit up, you’re too weak.”
I wanted to protest, but as I continued to try and sit up, I felt the fatigue and I gave in.
“My name is Incatasi.” He said. “I go to school with you. I’ve always wanted to approach you and become friend with you, but I was just too shy. But I heard what everypony was saying at school today, and I felt bad for you, so I wanted to make sure you were alright. I saw you running home, and you were crying so much, I just really wanted to make sure you were going to be alright.”
He paused here and looked down at me, cocking his head. I stared up at him. His eyes. He had gorgeous blue eyes that stood out among his black coat. And now that I had a closer look at him, I could see that his mane had a red tint to it. He was handsome. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his gorgeous features. He then continued.
“I know I should have asked, but I was just so worried about you and I had this feeling in my gut that if I knocked, you wouldn’t answer, so I came in, and I called for you. But you didn’t answer, I looked for you and when I found you, you were covered in blood, and it looked like you had passed out, so I brought you to the hospital.” He said. That seemed to be the end of his story, because after that, he just stopped and stared at me.
And the look he gave me… It wasn’t a look of pity, or sorrow. He didn’t look like he felt sorry for me. He stared at me like he thought I was beautiful. His eyebrows weren’t curved down in worry, his mouth was set straight, maybe even a slight smile. He sighed and forced himself to turn away.
Then, out of nowhere, he started talking again. “Lavender…. I’ve been where you are.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but he continued, speaking louder.
“I know you don’t think so, but I have scars hidden beneath my fur. I’ve been hospitalized twice. I’ve tried to hang myself, I’ve tried overdosing on pills, I even tried to jump off a cliff,” He paused, smiling slightly.
“Tried?” I asked. “How do you manage to fail jumping off a cliff?”
“Well, I jumped, but I landed on a pegasus that brought safe and sound to the ground.”
I stifled a laugh with my hoof, but just the small gesture sent waves of pain throughout my weak body and I winced and groaned.
“Careful,” Incatasi said, reaching out his hoof. He then continued. “I was hoping that we could be friends. I could try to lead you away from all this,” He gestured to my forelegs.
“Well… I was a little mad at you for saving my life, but I suppose we could build a friendship out of this.” I said. He couldn’t help but laugh.
I smiled at him. I felt a lot better just talking to him. Eventually, my parents came to visit me. They were surprised to learn that I was a cutter and immediately set up an appointment with a shrink to get me put on medicine. Slowly, but surely, with the help of Incatasi, depression floated away from my life in a little blue balloon, and happiness took it’s place.
I stopped cutting, I smiled a lot more. I cut my mane so that it didn’t hide my face. Starflare, Tempest, Blaize and Silvermane tried to come back to me and become friends with me again, but I didn’t let them. They had deserted me when I needed them most, and I couldn’t trust them anymore. But I could trust Incatasi with my life, since he had literally saved it.
Incatasi and I grew extremely close. We hung out with only each other, almost all the time. One day, we were at my house after a particularly good day at school and we were watching a movie on the couch. He suddenly paused the movie and turned to face me.
I was completely oblivious to what he was feeling at the moment. By the expression on his face, I thought something might be wrong, but I was wrong.
“Lavender…..” He said softly. His eyes shifted downwards towards his forelegs, and then sideways at the wall.
“What it is?” I asked.
“I just….” He took a deep breath and looked me right in my eyes. “I wanted to tell you that I think you’re an amazing mare. You’re smart, artistic, beautiful and…. I love you….. And I want to be with you….” He said. His black cheeks slowly grew a crimson and I blushed as well.
I had never noticed my feeling for him before, but now that he had said this, I realized that I want to be with him too. “R-really?” I asked. “I mean…. I…. I want to be with you too.” I forced myself to look at him, both of our cheeks glowing red.
He smiled at me and I sort of smiled back a little awkwardly. He rested his hooves over mine, and I looked down at them, and just a second later, his lips were on mine. I was astonished, completely startled, but I was happy. Before I could kiss him back, he pulled away. We stared at each other, and then I leaned forward and kiss him. This time I could tell he was surprised, but then he kissed me back.
He pulled away again, his cheeks redder than anything I had ever seen. “Lavender….. I love you.” He said.
I smiled and tears boiled in my eyes. “I love you too, Incatasi.” We then hugged each other. “I always thought everything was going to suck, I never thought anything would change to make it any better.” I whispered into his ear as we hugged. I felt his grip tighten around me, and I continued. “But then you found me, and you fixed everything. I’m so lucky to have you.”
At this point, I was so happy that tears rolled down my cheeks and dripped onto his back. He pushed me away from him gently, and looked at me. “Why are you crying?” He asked. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m just so happy,” I said, smiling through my tears and then wiping them away. “I’ve learned that life does get better.”
Incatasi smiled at me and hugged me again. “Of course it does.” He whispered. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was crying too. We finished the movie, cuddling with each other the rest of the way through it. He left right after so he could get home for dinner.
The smile on his face was so big when he told me that he was going to tell his parents about me. I smiled and wiped away the few tears remaining in my eyes and we kissed once more before he left. My parents came home and I told them everything. Before, I couldn’t talk to them about anything, it always seemed like they didn’t want to listen. But ever since my incident, we’ve been having dinner together and talking, like a real family.
They were so happy for me, they hugged me and kissed me. We finished dinner with smiles and laughter. When I went to bed, I made a mental note that this was the best day of my life.
