Twilight Reading Twilight

by roygbiv

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Fluttershy
Length: 1670

Yes, by now the joke has been done to death... But I was one of the first to make the joke, and here it is in textual form! Twilight Sparkle reads the 'Twilight' series!

Published 2011-07-24 14:58:02 UTC
Last updated 2011-07-24 10:47:47 UTC

Chapter 1

"Muffins!"

The mail pony's call echoed out from Twilight's library in the early morning... Right before a loud crash filled the air. Resting her hoof in her brow, Twilight just shook her head sadly as her horn began to glow. The book she had been reading becomes illuminated with the same magical light that surrounded her spiraled horn, and magically closes itself as the unicorn pony turns towards the main room. "Oh Derpy..." she muttered to herself. "What did you hit this time..."

Trotting into the main library, Twilight saw the blonde-maned pony had 'landed' in a chair, knocking it over in the process. Compared to some of Rainbow Dash's 'entrances', this arrival by the mail pony was quite tame.

The grey pony looked up, her one good eye focusing on Twilight as her other eye slowly started to turn away to look at the floor. Twilight suppressed a shudder and steeled herself. 'It's not her fault...' Twilight thought to herself. 'Derpy Hooves fell to the ground when learning to fly, and has never been the same since. It's a miracle she's still alive! Besides, what would Princess Celestia think of you for being bigoted towards another pony's handicap?'

The grey pony poked her head into her official mail pony bag, and pulled out a stack of four books wrapped in twine. She held the books out with a simple look for what seemed like several uncomfortable seconds of silence. Finally, Twilight used her magic, illuminating the books to lift them from the mail pony's hooves as Derpy proceeded to give Twilight the biggest grin. "W-w-why thank you, Derpy." Twilight began in a nervous tone, still unnerved by the silence and the sliding eye, but trying hard to not let it show. "Is there anything else?"

Derpy shook her head and gave a quick salute. "Nope, muffins away!" her simple yet cheerful voice filled the air as the mail pony turned around in preparations for taking off. Leaping into the air, she darted towards the window... And smacked headfirst into the frame next to it. As Derpy backed up, resting her brow in her right forehoof again,Twilight shook her head sadly as Derpy finally made it out the window on the second try.

Once alone, Twilight turned her attention to the magically illuminated books. Unbinding them, she noticed atop the twine a white envelope. Using her magic, she opened the letter to pull out and unfold the letter inside. Cracking her neck, she began to read:

Dear Twilight,

For the longest time, I have cherished my copies of this series of novels in my personal collection. But, just the other day, I found a good deal on a set for the Ponyville Library for only 20 bits. If you do not mind it ever so much, I would so love it if you could take these books and let the ponies of Ponyville read my most FAVORITE of favorite love stories.

Sincerely yours if it's okay with you and not too forward,
Fluttershy

Twilight floated the letter over to the table gently as she smiles. "Well, that was very nice of Fluttershy to donate these books. I would rather she have donated more research or reference books, but I'm sure the pony on the street needs to read the occasional fiction book. Now, what kind of books are these that could make Fluttershy love them so much?"

Twilight used her magic, raising up the first of the four books to eye level. On the front of the first book were two white pony forehooves holding a red apple. "Hmmm... 'Twilight by Stephanie Mare'... It has to be a pseudonym. I've never heard of a pony named Stephanie!" Sighing, Twilight lifted the four books with her magic. "Well, I guess I have to read these to see where I should place them in the library!" Giving a toss of her tail, Twilight headed up the steps in the library, the unicorn pony looking forward to a productive day of more reading and research.

Swan Bells stands in the middle of the forest, the pale ivory-haired earth pony brushing back her long straight black mane as she watches her daughter Rose Petals Can Be Used To Make Mead (Or Nibbles for short) play among the bushes. Smiling gently, Swan Bells hears a soft noise next to her as her husband, Culling Herds, arrives. The stallion pegasus is just as ivory-haired, and his blonde mane is styled perfectly with mane product to match his almost effeminate facial features.

Swan turned to look Culling in the eyes, both of their eyes sparkling like a myriad of kaleidoscopes as millions upon millions of colors flickered through them at any moment. As usual, Culling was frowning and looking about in anger as he arrived. "Have you not fed yet, my love?"

Culling shook his head and bared his teeth, sharp fangs being exposed as he does so. "No." he begins gruffly. "I always wait until the very last moment to feed. You know that, that's why I take all my anger out on you until I do feed."

Swan looked away and sighs a heavy sigh. "It is all right, my love. I love you so much, I know I deserve to be abused by you. I love you so much, I let you turn me into a Vampony so I can spend an eternity taking abuse from you that I deserve."

Culling looks away, his anger fading away into deep wells of sadness. "Oh Swan," he begins in a morose tone. "Why do I abuse you so? I must learn to treat you better, or at least sign us up for couples' counseling so we can finally have a healthy relationship..."

Swan trots up, a frantic look in her eyes as she lays a forehoof on Culling's left withers. "No, Culling..." she begins in a pleading tone. "I was the one who seduced you into loving me by being so accepting and deserving of your abuse and neglect. That's why I married you, and I made love to you in the Vampony way... The mare completely passed out, not moving, and being used for the stallion's pleasures alone in a way that is completely different from date rape no matter what others say. And from that union of unremembered mating that almost killed me came our daughter..."

Swan and Culling turn to their right, watching as their ivory-haired and rose-colored mane & tailed filly pegasus daughter tries to leap into the air - her young wings fluttering as if to test flight. "Oh, darling Culling, she's trying to fly for the first time!" Swan's voice is full of parental pride as she leans against her stallion.

Culling lays a posessive foreleg around Swan's withers, hugging her close as they watch their daughter try to take her first flight. "Ah, Swan...." Culling begins quietly. "I am so happy to spend an eternity with you, my undead and beautiful mare..."

As the couple watch their daughter hop higher and higher, sunbeams break through the clouds in different areas. As the sun catches the three Vamponies, their ivory hair starts to fill the air with sparkles and glitter, the ponies causing the whole forest to begins to look like a disco ball factory had exploded outwards as the 'loving' Vampony family prepared for an eternity together...

The End

Twilight closed the final book after a long day reading, a blank look across her face hiding her reaction to the series. Slowly getting up from her reading nook, she levitated the books over to a dim section of the library. Setting the four books onto a shelf, the unicorn pony went to find a quill and scroll to write some letters...

-

Inside the royal palace, Princess Celestia was lowering the sun as her sister, Luna, prepared to raise the moon. Using magics rarely seen in Equestria, the sun's golden rays faded from orange to deep red and eventually purple as it set behind the horizon. Meanwhile, on the other end of the sky, stars began to flicker awake as the pale yellow of the moon's glow replaced the sun across the land. As the exchange ended, a green flame swam into the main hall. "Ah!" Princess Celestia exclaimed. "A letter from my favorite student, Twilight Sparkle!"

But, instead of the usual single scroll, two scrolls appeared from the green flames. One scroll landed in front of Celestia, and one in front of Luna. Both Alicorns looked at each other, the pair using their magic to lift and unroll the scrolls. "W-w-why would your student send a letter to me, sister?" Luna's voice carried a worried tone, the smaller alicorn nervous to have anything change the monotony of her new-found freedom lest it be removed.

"I know not, sister..." As usual, Celestia's authoritative tone seemed to calm all. "Let us see what she wrote, shall we?" And with that, Celestia began to read:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that some friends are immune to magic that I am not. I was exposed to magical tomes I have now stored in the library for the use of those ponies who wish to use magic to change their gender as a primer. It seems that I have been driven by these tomes of power to now crave the companionship of other fillies. I will continue to research for a cure to my being a 'Fillyfooler', as the common pony would say, but until then, I shall make the best of this situation.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle

Celestia looked up at her sister, her usually calm eyes wide in shock. "What... What magic is this to effect my favorite student so!? What does your letter say, dear sister?"

Luna blushes, looking away shyly. "Twilight asked me out on a date tonight. I don't know how she knew I was a fillyfooler as well, but it looks like I'm not going to be so lonely at night anymore!"