Do you think I am strong? Do you even know how hard I cry at night? Do you even know me?
No? It wouldn't surprise me... I have locked my heart away from everypony. It's safer this way.
Did you know that the most awesome mare in Ponyville hurts just like you?
Sometimes I find it hard to breathe. The darkness consumes me in a way that it is frightful.
Shadows linger inside me. They come to my mind and body to sink their fangs into my already shattered heart. Weaving through the cracks that won't open. That won't show to anypony the shards of who I once was or, more importantly, who I have become.
Everyday I lose myself a little more. I don't understand myself. My mind tells me to do one thing yet my body does another. It's as if it's detached. That's certainly how I feel.
To try and get my mind and body to communicate is the hard thing. There is one way to restore order to my actions. Pain.
That's when the cutting starts.
I felt so disconnected to everything that the only way to bring it back was through a shimmering blade that reflected my image on its surface. A beautiful tool used for a horrifying job.
The pain was relief for me in a way. It calmed me to know that I had some control over my actions and life. However, after one fateful day, it stopped. The pain I mean. No matter how deep the cut or how much it bled, it was just... there.
It's weird that when I stopped feeling the pain is when I hurt the most.
But I suppose time will have the answer.
Time and patience.
Though time will take its toll, the scars will refuse to leave. A marking of territory embedded into my skin, forever reminding me of the hardship of life. Your not pretty, your not clever, you can't handle stress like the others can. The sweet kiss of crimson lets the thoughts bleed away as I am awake for yet another night. No sleep. Tears fall in salty droplets downward to the pillow beneath me.
If the others only knew.
They always have smiled and ploughed through it as much as I,... but their not weak like me. They think that I'm not weak like me either. Why don't I tell them? The answers simple.
I don't trust them.
I love them, but love doesn't always involve trust. Either that or I don't understand love itself. That would make sense too. I never really new love; I'm too numb for that.
I feel as though I am dead inside. I don't even know me. Even when no-one else is around, I still feel like I have to put on a charade. Do I really believe that I am cooler than everypony else. No. But to win. To have someone repeat- 'yes, you are awesome Dash'... it helps me carry on. They never really understood that in me. I am what others see of me. What they say empowers me. And though they have already said it, I feel the urge to try and let others know it too. It's like a virus. At the wrong moments, it consumes me and, for once, when I look in the mirror, I see someone worthwhile.
However, when that fades, it just goes back to Rainbow Dash, the intolerable, egotistical fraud who cannot face her own emotions and can no longer talk to anyone just being myself.
They laughed at me. I know that it's stupid but,... they laughed at me!
They knew Mare-Do-Well had hurt me. They knew I would be jealous, yet they still did it. Why would anyone who even called themself a 'friend' do that to another 'friend'. They are about as true a friend as Gilda.
Even when they left me alone in that field, I still couldn't find it in my heart to admit something was wrong with me. I became what the village thought of me. I couldn't admit to myself that I was left alone because of me...
I am society's monster.
I started to compliment myself to show myself that they were wrong. But I was the problem.
'Have I changed?' No.
'Same sleek body.' Oh really.
'Same flowing mane.' That you can never get the tangles out of.
'Same spectacular hooves.' That you can't let anyone touch?
'Nope, I'm still awesome.' Oh wow... gee well done past me for helping your situation by spelling out lies for yourself. For feeding your already unbearably large ego to help others realise what you are and have them avoid you too(!)
When the realisation hit me that I was still alone, I almost let the real me slip out by crying. Yup, crying. In public.
My friends caused this. I had convinced myself of that when I first found out who Mare-Do-Well was. But they wouldn't have to of done it if I hadn't been such an ego-freak.
But what stings, what hurts the most is that they can't see who I am inside. They don't know how they hurt me. And I am trying to communicate with them but... I'm scared. Because of how they treated me, because they laughed at something that truly hurt me, I am scared they will do the same with who I really am. If that was the case, I wouldn't be able to cope anymore.
I have built up enough walls in my life to keep me apart from everypony so that they never get the chance to mock my soul. So that I would be safe from harm. This whole experience has only taught me one thing, I was wrong. My loyalty lies in my friends and I love them to the end of the world but... I just don't know what I am safe to show them of me now...
So I am always alone basically. That's what it feels like anyway.
I was sat in my house, feeling... a little dizzy from the blood oozing out from the many cuts over my body. The blade was sat at my hooves. Tonight, I thought that I could force my body to feel something. I thought that I could regain my spirit after the relief of finding myself once again. To know the pain was there was like knowing I was there. But I wasn't...
After about twenty cuts, I started to panic. I didn't want to lose the connection with my heart. Deeper and deeper the blade sank till I could no longer see. My own tears were stung my eyes and wipes away any hope I had of continuing my task.
I dropped the blade and collapsed onto the floor, taking heaving, shaky breaths as I finally came to terms with my emotions.
I was alone. Maybe it was just meant to be. Besides, my friends believe that they know me... as long as they bought it I am in the clear. I just need to convince myself now. That's a lot harder than it sounds.
So I just sat and cried and cried and sat. The racking of my sobs echoed through my 'home'. Just another reminder of the current situation.
Though the whole house is made of the plush cloud finish, it is still uncomfortable. No fires can be lit in clouds because they are made out of vapour; far too damp to make a water extinguished heat source appear.
There is a thick fog outside the windows. Who knows what the shadows hold. I don't know what mine do.
I try to hope for something more. For a light to banish the looming trail that stalks me wherever I turn. But it never comes. This is because, in my life, hope is a wasted emotion. An simple illusion that never awakens into the path of darkness I often find myself wandering. And no matter how hard I try... there is no way out.
With that bright light extinguished, I can carry on with my life. No more disappointment after I'm past all hope.
That was until I hear a know at the door.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash, I know you will be upset,... But can I come in?"
That voice. I know it. It's... it's...
"Coming Mom!" I yelled in response.
With the unexpected guest waiting outside the door, I hastily put on a purple hoodie to cover the engraved and bleeding cuts. It's weird that I longed for company only a minute ago yet am terrified by its presence when it finally arrived.
Slowly opening the door, a familiar face came into view. My moms pink face lit up and formed a smile to look at me before falling flat on her face once she saw the emotional state I was caught in.
Brushing her electric blue hair out of her eyes, she brought me into a tight hug.
"I am here for you now sweetheart."
At first I was confused by her statement but then something caught my eye in her saddlebags. It was a newspaper on recent events here in Ponyville holding a visible picture of my friends unmasked and it read 'Mare-Do-Well unmasked.'
She had probably read it. Panic reached my gut as I drew back from the hug. She knew.
I avoided any eye contact that I had shared previously with her or the newspaper. It hurt too much.
I didn't know what she was thinking of me right then. I couldn't lose her too.
My body ached from where the cuts had been carved along with a horrid burning sensation.
It was then I remembered what pain felt like.
I dropped, right then and right there. I could no longer keep my emotions from escaping as they burst through my eyes in a tsunami of hate, rejection and sorrow. My inner self had come through.
I don't remember much happening for the next few minutes, just a long sob session with my mother standing by. That was, until she lifted me up and took me in her arms reassuring me that she still loved me and removing my hoodie as she did so.
"Oh Rainbow, what have you done to yourself..." her purple eyes scanned over my many self inflicted wounds.
"I-I... It hurts too much!"
She understood immediately that I was not talking about what she had set her eyes on, tracing her gaze back to my eyes.
Inside her purple irises, I saw a reflection of myself. Tears had formed in my mother's eyes as she cried for me. I wasn't just hurting myself through my actions. And I certainly didn't expect these to be the actions to make her upset.
"I'm so sorry... I just don't know how to do this anymore..." I choked on the word this. I couldn't handle my life anymore.
A soft smile came over her features. That smile I had missed so badly and yet I didn't know it.
"Let me help you then." She said simply, kissing my forehead and wandering off into the bathroom where my first aid kit was kept.
As I watched my mother rooting around the cupboards, I realised something suddenly. I am not alone.
I have my Guardian Angel by my side.
Author's Note
Hi guys, it's frothy here!
This story came from experience that I had with self harm... I have stopped now but I want everyone to know that before you do it... don't.
No matter what happens, after a few cuts, it doesn't stop!!! anyone who has experienced self harm in the past can vouch for me that if you are doing it for a similar reason to what it in the story, it becomes the answer to every small thing that goes wrong or even sometimes just to feel better. So if you are considering it or have done it before, please don't do it and (if it's already been done) try to stop. Talking to someone you trust can help like my mum did for me.
I have written this story for my mum as she helped me through this awful part of my life. So thank you Mum xx loves ya!!!!
And if any of you reading this story need to talk to someone, I am always here but getting help from family or friends has got to be your number one priority!
If you know anyone who this applies to, try to help them through it and assure them that they are not alone!
Thanks for reading the boring rant at the end and thanks for reading my story!
~Frothy
