The mail came sometime during the night. Without warning, Ponyville dawned to hundreds of letters addressed to every single one of its inhabitants. Appearing on top of every pillow, the mismatched envelopes announced their presence by having a set of horns trumpet their arrival. Written in italic on the upper left corner was a cryptic 2 U -D with a name added underneath. The name was different for every recipient; the message, however, was exactly the same...
Dear Someone,
I Discord you, or so it would seem. Interesting letter you sent me. You do know I have a daughter, right? Did you even bother thinking about her feelings? I expect not! You just 'waltzed' in my home like a deranged postal worker and !! Not only !, but also !!! and ...! Did you ever ??? what might happen? No, it's all about you. Always about you! You, U, and w/2! Next time, I'm making you pay for all the cookies it took to dry her vanilla tears (she was so upset she couldn't even cry chocolate!)!
Oh, and don't think I didn't notice you at the Gala! Btw fyi iirc it was Celestia who invited me! And don't start trashing her this soon! You haven't even moved in, and you're already acting like an evil step-ladder! Did I mention I have a daughter? Make that two! (Funny thing about that — the actual reason Luna was banished to the moon was that she and. It's best if we don't go into that for now. Let's just say that there are some major differences between what happened and the version you were taught at school, and leave it at that.)
Right, the Gala. Well, I may have been a tad upset, but even my dear friend Fluttershy Smooze would understand. And Fluttershy and I are just friends! I have no idea who told you otherwise (and when I catch that bunny I'll roast him!), but there haven't been any 'advances' on my part. As for Fluttershy — do not go there! Yes, I know, it's a burden I am fated to carry. Curse my perfect self, for my beauty is the cause of all wars in Equestria. Even ~~So~~ ~~Ti~~ others have been unable to resist my charms.
I have noticed you, by the way. You glance at me when you think nopony's looking, hide your feelings under that facade of yours. Talking about feelings, oh boy, quite the mess you’ve gotten yourself into. Your love life! It's so absurd, it's actually amusing! You know it won't work out! Is that what this is about? You want to get your future-ex-SO jealous, by flirting with me? Are you so heartless?! Why, you really !!! me, and I mean !!! me hard!
(Psst! I'll have a cloud 'randomly' rain roses and candles tomorrow round six. *winkyface* If Celestia asks — you don't know a thing!)
Onto serious matters. Screwball has been asking if you could give her lessons. I think this is a perfect opportunity for her to get to know you. (Hint: no screw or ball jokes! She's heard her quota for the week.) Maybe get a small gift to make her warm up to having you as a parent. I won't ask for much, just some chaos emeralds, a bunny tail, a slice of purple and the nineteenth page of your favourite book. Oh, and something shiny for Screwball. Don't worry about my other sweetie — she is still in her goth phase, so she probably won't bother you, as long as you don't dream.
How will you break the news to your friends? Not that's in my business or anything. It's your choice, decision and all that, but take it from me — nothing cushions the pain better than a house of cake. Cake and ice cream heal all hearts. (Why do you think Celestia is obsessed with cake? Don't quote me on that! She is a bit touchy on the subject.). Also, I'd love to help you in the matter, but I'll have some terribly urgent and unforeseen business to attend to whenever you decide to come clean about me. Rest assured, mum's the word *nudge* *nudge* *wink* *wink*.
Brown really suits you, you know. Don't let anypony tell you otherwise! Although, It's going to take both of us some getting used to things. You are so much used to harmony, while I am Discord! (Yes, it's a horrible pun, but don't try to pretend you didn't chuckle! Aww! And now you are blushing.) Compromises will have to be made, I guess. I'll make sure you get a boring order-bound bed at my place, but be warned I prefer to sleep on the ceiling! Also you better learn how to snore properly! Those sounds you make in your sleep — sheesh! Horrible! Worse than horrible! (Don't ever stop.)
Well, that's that, I guess. Sweet dreams and don't blush too much.
Oooh! (That's triple the Os)
—Discord
P.S. You really shouldn't be ashamed of playing with dolls. It's perfectly natural, and not something to be kept secret. Why, I myself have been playing with puppets for centuries! There's even a picture of me in Celestia's throne room. She made a big fuss about it at the time. It was all about me 'acting my age' and not playing with dolls and such. I wasn't even given the chance to explain they were rare action figure collectibles. (On that note — no marriage! Fool me once — shame on you! Fool me twice — shame on me! In any event, we'll discuss this later!)
And just because your dolls are girly dolls is no reason to keep them hidden away. (I'll have a cloud 'randomly' rain dolls near you around nine. If Luna asks — you know nothing!)
A total silence fell over the town, as ponies gasped in utter horror and confusion. Several voices broke the calm, filling the streets with shouts of "Noooooo!". Meanwhile, a small pink cloud sneakily made its way through the sky, pouring roses and candles all over the houses as it flew by.
