Happiness Is What You Make Of It

by Nameless Narrator

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 9426

Bits and pieces from the unremarkble life of a pony slightly less endowed in the head department.

Some ponies want fame. Some ponies want money. Some ponies want not to be alone. It is a primal urge allowing them to withstand the distant fear of death. Wanting to be remembered, to leave something behind cannot be held against anypony.

However, there are those who just want a piece of cardboard to lie on so that the ground isn't so cold, a place shielded from wind and rain, and some leftovers to munch on from time to time. They prefer to not think of themselves as ponies so that not having any of the normal things doesn't hurt so much.

They are happy. No, they look happy.

Published 2016-01-16 18:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-01 13:18:39 UTC

1

I must admit I'm a pretty lucky pony.

I like wandering around. I like strolling through the streets and watching ponies pass by. White unicorns, grey unicorns, horny unicorns, all of them have important lives and stories to tell. They make this world a place to live in. In short, all those around me are amazing and admirable.

I'm glad I like walking, otherwise the trip through the grand mountainside fortress of Canterlot would be incredibly irritating. For an earthpony like me, the city is sort of a dream come true, the mix of magic and technology rarely seen elsewhere. On the right side of the half circle carved into the southern face of the mountain - the castle itself, white, shining with magical lamps, torches, and electrical lights undoubtedly brightening some soiree or garden party.

Did I say it's night? Yeah, the skies are dark, and most ponies who bump into me are unicorns returning home after a hard day's work. Why unicorns? Well, I've already left the place I live in, the part of the city close to the mountain itself where the less-wealthy live. Now, I'm walking lazily through the rich part, the unicorn part, where white mansions sit and where anypony can see the clear sky or take a short trip to the city walls and gaze into the distance upon large stretches of the land of Equestria.

Well, they could... if it wasn't so dark that one couldn't see few steps ahead without street lights.

Some unicorns gag a little as I walk nearby, and cross the street. I can't be mad at them, I smell a bit... a lot. There is little I can do about that before I get to the castle though. They might have been a little too vocal in saying words like 'trash', 'hobo', 'parasite', and in one case even 'waste of oxygen', but I've given them a good reason to be like that. Not to mention they aren't too far away from the truth. Compared to them, my importance in the grand scheme of things is minor, even insignificant. They are unicorns, thus they are responsible for running this land, working the complicated machines no other ponies can, and using magic to keep the world turning.

Metaphorically, of course.

Despite that, I somehow got lucky enough to find my place in this city of gold and glimmer. On the way there, I overhear few more unicorns mutter under their breath, but at least there are no calls for the guards this time. Perhaps I should find some more covert route through the city, even if it might be a bit longer. But hey, I like walking. Perhaps I could try the sewers? Nah, not again, the bug-ish ponies who live there don't like me wandering around.

The castle comes to view, mostly because I pass the high walls separating the gardens from the rest of the city. I beam at the guards recognizing me and letting me inside. They look away, but I know they're just doing their job, scanning the area for potential threats to the city's royal ruler. The reason for doing so is beyond me, as princess Celestia is supposed to be omnipotent and perhaps even immortal. But hey, if she thinks she needs them then it's not my place to question her.

I slink by the garden walls. There's no reason for me to go to the castle, that's a place for important ponies. Several visiting ambassadors in the long queue leading from the castle grounds gate to the castle gate itself look at me, noses scrunched in shock. It's a more distilled version of looks I got in the city, but this time they come from even more important ponies. I wonder if they can even spot me from their noble height, not just smell me.

It doesn't take long, and I'm out of sight. Granted, I'm pretty sure seeing me wasn't exactly the problem.

The shadows of the castle gardens swallow me, and I can finally breathe freely. Well, not too freely, at least until I have a shower. A large, two-story building by the side of the castle facing the mountain greets me. Quite a few of the windows are lit up already, so I try not to disturb anypony. The Royal Guard recruits need their rest after a hard day of training. Thankfully, nopony is wandering the entrance hall, so I can just slip inside and go down the stairs where the boiler room and some other facilities are. First of all, I check whether there is somepony in the common showers. I heard that the castle itself has separate showers for mares and stallions, but out here, in the barracks, there is no such thing, presumably because all guards are, first and foremost, guards.

A bar of soap hits me in the head.

"Ow!" I yelp, and add in a quieter voice, "Soree, Ai ken wait."

"Don't loooooooook!" the mare's voice is followed by a flung plastic box.

Funny, they never do that when showering side by side with guard stallions. It's probably because I'm not a guard. Fortunately, there's only one pony inside, which means I won't have to wait too long to become a marginally presentable pony again. Putting the bar of soap into the plastic soap box, I slide the package back inside.

"Soree for meiking yoo use dis, mem," I wave my hoof inside apologetically.

"Just go away!"

Yeah, that might be a good idea. Good thing there are toilets on each floor, even here underground. I don't really have a bathroom at... my place, so the visit takes me a reasonably long time. At least I can drink from the washing basin as much as I like. See? Free fresh water! Am I a lucky pony or what? Thirst sated, I carefully peek into the showers again. The nice mare is gone and the place is empty. Time to finally stop being repulsive for few hours again.

Shoot, I forgot my soap. Oh well, I can always shower again when I'm done for tonight. I might have to wait until the Nightguards are done, but time... time is something that matters little to me. Without soap, it takes a lot longer to wash the stench out of my coat, so I stare into the puddle of dirty water under me. A grey earthpony stares back at me with grey eyes. He doesn't have a mane, only few short purple strands remaining, a sign he did a poor job cutting it. I couldn't risk anything being too difficult to clean up, so I cut my tail short two days after I started working here, only a little purple duster remains now. The mane was more difficult to get rid of using a shard of broken glass, so I spent most of my shift working on it. The underground bathroom doesn't have a mirror, so a pool of water in the sink had to do.

Considering my limited options, I think I did a good job. I must admit though, maneless ponies look a bit weird. The pony in the pool is a bit chubby, but that's fine, I've started an excellent diet recently. At this rate, I'll be thin in no time. Not that looks matter, but it's something.

I blink, he blinks. I poke the puddle, he pokes back. I splash around, he goes away for a moment. He comes back soon though, he never leaves me alone for long. My best friend, my reflection. Granted, he's my only friend, so there's little competition. It's either him or the cleaning trolley, and the trolley wobbles. I go for a hug and slam my face into the tiled floor.

"Ouch," I chuckle.

Fun is where you find it.

2

Heyyy, I'm clean again!

With the guard curfew coming, my 'day' is just starting. As I walk out of the showers, there are three guards standing around holding their washing thingies. They must have noticed I was in there a moment ago, and given me my privacy. Since I don't belong to the Guard, they are super nice to allow me to use their showers. The Guard really employs the best of the best.

"Tank yoo for yor pay-shence," I say, walking away while accompanied by their scrunched noses. I must still smell a little. My bad, I shouldn't have forgotten the soap.

"Go away..."

See? Not even a snarky remark about my mistake.

Humming to myself, I enter the boiler room again. If things go as usual, I should have about an hour before all the day guards fall asleep and the night shift ones leave for their post.

"Bed soap, sliping mai maind laik det!" I shake my hoof at the small package under a wardrobe full of cleaning supplies. It doesn't respond, but it gets the message. Since I don't really have any other place to store my things, and the supply wardrobe belongs to the barracks, not me, the niche under the wardrobe is the only safe spot for what little I have.

I should just appreciate my luck that I don't have anything else then. Soap, ten bits which will have to last me until next week, few shards of glass serving as a makeshift mirror or knife, and few bits of string I scrounged from a pizza box somepony threw out. String is always useful.

I recount the ten bits. It's all still there. The guards must be doing a great job keeping thieves out then. Still, it's not much, but all that means is that my diet will be super effective. I can feel the pounds on my stomach melting already.

*Knock knock!*

Huh? It's not locked, and the boiler room isn't off limits. Does somepony know I'm here? Did I forget anything in the showers? Are they mad I used them?

"Its not lokd!"

The door opens and a dark blue lunar pegasus mare with white mane carefully leans inside.

"Hello, mister janitor guy?" she asks slowly, unsure if she wants to be here or not. Most ponies avoid me. It can't be intentional, though, I just don't really do anything worth mentioning, and they have their hooves full with keeping the peace.

"Yes?" I push my meager belongings back under the wardrobe, "Do yoo need anytink?"

Stupid, of course she needs something. Why else would she be here, to make conversation? There are tons of interesting ponies out there to talk to. So I correct myself:

"I meen, wot do yoo need?"

"Hey, erm, my name is Eclipse, and I live in room twenty-six," she extends her hoof.

I look at it.

I poke it.

Sure enough, it's a hoof. Nice, well-maintained hoof adorned with the night shift silvery horseshoe.

She seems to be waiting for something.

"Preety neim and a preety huf?" I try.

Her brows raise a little.

"What's YOUR name?"

Oh? RIGHT! She has to have some sort of an official cleaning request, and needs to know who's going to be handling it.

"Greyscale, I kleen dis pleis... I meen, yoo alredy knou det. Soree 'bout d huf tink."

She is so cool! She doesn't just wave it off but actually follows up on what I said. Ponies rarely do that. Can't blame them, I am sort of difficult to understand when I open my mouth.

"Sooo, you didn't mean it when you said my hoof and my name were pretty?"

"No, yes, I meen no, I meen somtink, I meen," my ears droop and I try to make myself as small as possible, "Aim bed at dis... 'mong other tinks. Do yoo need to use dis room? Should Ai leev until yoo're done?"

"Wha- wait- why- what? No, I just wanted to ask if you could repair my bunk bed. Some of the woodwork broke, and my mattress keeps slipping out."

"Aim not shure, Ai just waip d floors. Aiv never dun eny ree-pears. Ai don't eeven know were too bai d small beem thinks, whatevr dey arr kold."

"Oh, well, that sucks. I'll ask elsewhere then."

"Weit! Umm, Ail trai to tink of sumtink. I tink I saw a pleis were I kud get sumtink at dis taim of dei, or nait. Wen das yor shift end?"

"Eight in the morning."

"Okey, if its not dun bai eit, it meens Ai didnt come up with anytink. If Ai ken do sumting 'bout eet, Ai wont bother yoo in your off taim. Twenty-six, wos eet?"

"Yeah. Thanks!"

"No reeson, Ai didnt doo anytink yet."

She gives me a surprised look, but in the end she smiles and leaves. Strange mare, asking for my name as if it mattered. This isn't my job, but me and my ten bits might still be able to help. There is a place I go by every night which sells general supplies. Perhaps I could find something there. Not a plank of wood, obviously, but something tough enough to serve for few weeks before she finds somepony to do the job right.

It doesn't matter whether I clean the floors now or later. The official request is just that I have to be done before the first day guard shift starts at eight, which means that I have enough time to look around and do all I have to.

I grab my keys and the bits, and sneak out of the barracks. I pass few returning day guards on the way, but I must be getting really good at keeping out of the way, because none even glance at me. I'm like a shadow, a well-lubricated ninja.

As if I didn't even exist.

The general store is open twenty-four seven, although the clerk seems very unhappy about it. Just tired, I guess.

"Um, sir? Soree to bother yoo, but Ai need sumtink too ree-pear a bunk bed."

"What's wrong with it?" he gradually chews through my request. As annoyed as he looks, he doesn't tell me to go away and actually tries to understand me.

I knew I forgot something.

"Ail bee RAIT bek!" he facehoofs as I run out of the store.

"Retard," I hear and agree. I missed the most important thing.

The 'right back' turns into about forty minutes, during which I once again infiltrate my workplace like lightning crossed with a hedgehog, make sure my assumption about just one broken plank under the mattress was correct, and walk back to the store.

"Uan wooden plenk," I spread my hooves, "'bout DIS long, plees."

"Those comes only in stacks of five. Ten bits."

"But Ai onlee need uan."

"Ten bits."

"For d uan?"

"For all five."

"But-"

"Listen! These things go in bulk, is that clear?"

My lip wibbles as the last of my bits leave the small pouch hanging around my neck. I could say the unicorn clerk wasn't acting too friendly, but as he looks at me trying to balance the box on my back, he offers me a bag.

FOR FREE!

"Tank yoo!" I mumble with my mouth full of plastic.

Ponies are really nice if you let them. I now have a plastic bag and a small cartboard box to add to my possessions. Plus, a way to solve tonight's problem which leaves me with FOUR spare planks of wood. Granted, three days without food will be a challenge, but I have all the fresh water I can drink, and my diet will just be that more effective. Soon, I'll look fit like a guard and nopony will be able to tell that I just wipe the floors.

Half an hour later, the bed is fixed, although I made a mess of the clothes randomly strewn around the room.

"Ouch!" I hiss, as my splintered hoof touches the floor again. Having no real equipment, I had to use it to hammer the plank in place, and must have messed up. Oh well, I should be able to use some of the rougher flagstones in the city as a file. I am a genius.

3

I'm a little dizzy. Not eating anything for two days would do that to a pony. Still, my diet is progressing perfectly, and now I have a batch wooden planks stashed in the boiler room as well. Once the week rolls over, then I'll be paid my precious twenty-five bits, buy some cheap food, and I'll have gained the planks for basically free. The good thing about little discomfort now is that I have a mop I can prop myself with so that I don't fall. I dropped it few times when my head spun too hard and my stomach cramped, but thankfully there was nopony in the barracks hallway at the time. I would not want them to think I can't do my job. There aren't many positions a pony like me can do properly and I like this one, so I have to be careful the guards don't realize they can easily find somepony much more skilled to clean their place.

The guards don't like it when I look at them. I think they believe I should focus on the floor so I don't miss anything. See? THEY are smart. and I can learn a lot by just hanging around. Oh, hey! There's a muddy hoofprint I covered with my trolley. I would have missed it if I was looking anywhere else than at the floor.

"Bluuh..." my head spins again and I have to sit down for a moment.

Damn, somepony is coming. With a wall to keep me steady, I reorganize the cleaning supplies on the trolley and wait for the ponies to pass.

"Oh, hey!" a mare's pleasantly surprised voice greets me as I focus mostly on my hooves shuffling the various bottles of stuff which I use basically randomly as I don't really understand most of the labels. I shouldn't be here to distract others, but since I already am, I ought to be polite until they get bored with me and do their more important stuff. Still, ponies never greet me or anything, do they need something?

"Helou, mem," I bow to Eclipse and a strong earthpony mare, yellow with rusty mane.

"Who is this?" the earthpony asks, "Never seen him here before."

"Greyscale, the... caretaker. Sargeant Grey Shrine pointed me to him when my bed broke. He fixed it pretty fast," Eclipse explains.

"Ooooh!" the other mare smiles in my direction. I quickly check if there is somepony behind me. There isn't, so she has to be smiling at me! Wooow!  "So this guy is responsible for your ass not hanging two inches from my face every morning?" she raises her hoof, "Not sure if I should thank him or punch him," she grins and Eclipse blushes, "Name's Piercing Hit. Nice to meet you, Greyscale."

"Nais too meat yoo," I shake her hoof after some hesitation. Since she's with Eclipse, I decided to repeat the previously successful gesture.

"You talk weird," she comments, eyebrow raised.

"Ai em dum," I scratch my head. It feels strange to say it openly, but I can't lie. I'm not smart enough to keep a lie up, so it would only bite me in the butt later, "But Ai dont talk mush, so its fain," I beam at her. Situation solved! A little compliment can only make things better, "Yoo ar smart and yoo ken undrstand mee."

"Uhh, yeah," she shifts on her hooves, giving me an unsure smile. Thankfully, more ponies are coming so the mares will likely leave and won't have to be uncomfortable around me anymore.

"Hey, girls!" a white unicorn with blonde mane and a crossed swords cutie mark greets the girls and gives me an annoyed glance. Do I still smell bad? I sniff around. Nope, only desinfectant and a hint of sweat. Perhaps he is just annoyed that I am disgracing the barracks with my presence. He looks like a highborne unicorn, so it is possible. They are kind of elitist, but they can use magic and stuff, which I can't, so he is probably right. It's not my fault no unicorn with high education wanted this job. The employment lady told me nopony took the offer for months.

"Oh hey, Crest!" Eclipse smiles at the unicorn while the earthpony gives him a well-hidden frown.

"Hi," Piercing Hit answers the greeting with no enthusiasm.

"This guy doesn't even know what a mare is," the unicorn introduced as Crest smirks, "Ditch him and let's go out! I know a batpony bar that's open this early in the morning."

That's not true! I know basic anatomy.

"A mare ees a laydee ponee," I show that I know at least something.

"And you are a lazy pony, now shove off!" he doesn't even look at me as he waves me away.

Oops, he's right! I've been standing here and not mopping for too long. The night shifts must be ending and the guards are returning to the barracks. On the positive side, the exhausted ponies barely give me a glance as I clean their dusty hoofprints off the floor. With the constant bustle of changing shifts my job is an endless task, but nopony has complained during the week I've been doing it. In the end, the night patrols arrive, the morning ones leave, and all three floors of the barracks are in a presentable shape. Now I can have a rest or wander around the city until late afternoon when I'm going to do all this again.

My stomach rumbles. Perhaps I should leave the wandering for later. Alright, time to sleep! The more I sleep the closer I get to payday and the less hungry I'll be.

"Huh?" I mumble to myself as I spot Eclipse waiting in front of the boiler room underground, "Hai?"

As I mentioned before, nopony comes here, ever.

"Uh, yeah. I wanted to ask what I owed you for the repair. You know, new materials and stuff."

"Notink. Its mai job," I shrug, "Ai hed sum bits left, so Ai could doo eet."

"Wait, what?"

"Ai get twentee-faiv bits a week to doo wot is needed and get food. Nopony told mee more asaid from d moppink."

"You have no resource budget? Wait, you get only twenty-five bits a week AND you have to pay for the supplies yourself? That doesn't sound right," she leans back, blinking.

"Ai dont knou."

"Nevermind," she shakes her head, "I've got something for you. The showers on the upper floor stopped working yesterday."

"Ken eet wait teel next week? Ai haev no bits."

"Actually, no. Most guards would be pretty pissed if they had to march three floors down to the basement over and over for two more days."

"Okey," I mumble. I'll just have to think of something, "Ail look at it toomorrow."

"Not so fast," she smiles, "For big repairs like these we always have to send out stupid amount of paperwork and wait for days until somepony fixes it. If you can do something about it, even make it somewhat work until we can get a real plumber to have a look at it, I think I can persuade others to at least pay for the expenses, if not something more for your time."

"Ail trai," I bite my lip, "Aiv never dun anytink laik dis."

"Alright, think of it like this - a bunch of dripping wet ponies walking from the basement showers up to the third floor and messing the floor up something fierce. How would you like that?"

Wet floors already? That would be amazing.

"Ai wouldnt have too poosh a trolly with full bukkit aneemore," I smile, finally having an answer.

She facehoofs.

"Just have a look at it, will you?"

"Yes, mem."

"Thanks," she walks off towards the staircase leading up.

The last thing to do is check the big trash bags from each floor for something useful.

Hey, somepony threw out a metal cup. It's scratched and there is no handle, but there are no holes or cracks. That's one good find.

4

The promise to Eclipse burdens me. I haven't told her I would totally for sure one hundred percent fix anything, but if I have a look at it and just say I have no clue what is wrong then the guards might get the right idea that there should be somepony better taking care of the barracks, somepony who can wipe the floors as well as repair things. Still, no reason to give up early. Perhaps it is just something simple that the guards don't do themselves because they are busy.

The shower room on the third floor is a simple large, square area with nozzles and dials sticking out of the walls. There are several pillars scattered around with wooden planks on them where those showering can keep their belongings. Near the entrance there is a sink and...

...two ponies kissing, their loud moaning dampened by the until recently closed door. As they notice me, they reach for their bags with toothbrushes, smiling as if nothing has happened. I'm not sure why. As far as I know there are no rules against being in company of one another. But hey, they are guards so they know their stuff.

"You spying on us, perv?" the stallion scowls.

"Yeah, can't get any yourself so you have to bother normal ponies?"

Ooooh, that's the issue! Of course not. I'm not interested in such things, those are for real ponies. I've already got all I need - a warm boiler room where I can spend the day. The hugging and kissing is not for me, and going for it would surely only mean trouble.

"No, Aim heer too-"

"GET OUT!" I dodge a thrown bag of washing supplies. Why does this happen every time? Still, all that means that I'm used to these situations.

"Mem, Ai tink yoo need dis for yor teet," I shove the bag back inside.

Showing my head proves a bad idea as a sharp spike of pain comes from my muzzle. I wasn't expecting the second bag. I should have. Two ponies, two bags of pain - logic.

"Uhhh..." I shake my head and rub my muzzle, "Ouch!" there's a little blood on my hoof.

"You didn't get the message?" the stallion rushes out and pushes me against the wall, "Go back to your underground hideout or something."

I must have startled them a lot if they are acting like this. My bad.

"Ai ken weit," I try to wave my hooves, but he is holding me too tight, "Ai em soree, but Ai em heer to fix d showers."

"What? You?"

"Uh... yes?"

"Hmph!" he lets me go and walks back inside, "Let's find a more private place. The moron is here to look at the water problem."

"Hey, cool!" the mare answers, "I hate having to promenade myself through half of the building each day."

"I wouldn't get too excited. This guy just wipes the floors. What are the chances he can do something about it?"

I wholeheartedly agree. Sadly, I got asked to do this so I have to do this. Simple.

They walk out side by side.

"Next time don't barge on ponies like that!" the stallion, "And if I find out you're lying just so I don't tan your hide, then..."

"Ai dont lai. Ai ken barelly remember wot is reel," a bit of honesty should reassure him I'm telling the truth.

"Um," the mare looks at the dripping blood, hesitating, "Sorry. I've got a good aim. If you manage to fix the water then I'll think harder before throwing stuff next time, right?" she chuckles. I smile and snort a little as more blood blocks my nostril.

"Dis happens a lot too mee. Its fain, mem."

Simple misunderstanding cleared, they leave and I finally get to see the state of the showers. I sniffle, still dripping red all over. It should stop soon enough if I breathe with my mouth.

Sink? No water. Showers from the left to right? Nothing.

"Hmmm."

That rules out mechanical failure. Pipes then? A leak is likely. What can I do with pipes? There is no way for me to get to them, since they are embedded in the floor, but at least I could find where the problem is to make it easier for a plumber.

Five minutes of tapping on the floor later, I find a darker and colder spot which just might be it. Thankfully, this room is not tiled like the one I saw in the castle once otherwise I wouldn't have found anything. The soggy mess crumbles a little under my hoof. If I had something hard I might dig it out, maybe? Not in my dreams.

So, pickaxe? No, that would break everything and make a mess. Is there a way to cut a piece of floor out without damaging everything around it?

The question plagues me as I take a stroll through castle grounds to clear my head. Fresh air helps me think.

I find a nearby pony standing on guard and tap on his armor. I doubt he's ever seen me before, but he assumes I belong to the castle because I already am here. Smart pony, saves me the trouble of explaining things.

"What is it?"

"Ai need a pleis where Ai ken borrow tools. Eez dere any?"

He blinks, working through my defective speech. It sounds fine in my head, my mouth just doesn't seem to get the right idea. Luckily, only the best of the best are allowed into the guard ranks, and he quickly gets my meaning.

"On the other side of the castle there is the equipment storage. A big building with a small entrance. Just tell the quartermaster what you need."

"Tank yoo!" I smile at him.

"What is it for?"

"Showers in d barracks, ser."

"Oh thank the stars!" he raises his spear to the sky, "Two damn days and it already feels like eternity," he blinks in realization, "OOOOH! You're the cleaning guy, right? I think I saw you once after night shift, you disappeared when the morning rush started."

"Ai trai not too get in d way."

"Then good luck with the fixing. I hate going half-wet through the cold hallway at this time of year."

"Ail doo mai best."

Well, I wish I could do the plumbers best, but I am only me so my best will have to suffice for now.

As it turns out, the quartermaster is a guard around forty whose bored expression would put a foal learning math to shame.

"Umm, hai," I wait my turn in a queue, "Ai need sum long, thick neils, a gloo or spekkel, and a hemmr."

"Fill in a requisition form 23c, get it signed by your commander, and you can have it."

"Ai just need it for a wail. D showers in d barracks-"

"If it is a short-term requisition, which means less than a day, I can just take your hoofprint, but you will still have to fill the form after you're done. Who is your boss?"

"Umm... enyponee?"

"Where do you work?"

"Barracks."

"Barracks, barracks..." he furrows his brows, then lightens up, "Sargeant Grey Shrine. Fill the form, get her signature, and return the things by tomorrow evening. Understood?"

"Yes, ser."

Magic is amazing. All I have to do is put my hoof on a piece of enchanted paper, and a unicorn will be able to find me anywhere in Canterlot. Granted, it might be too much of a waste just to be able to trace few tools, but order has to start small.

So, I had this idea - why break the floor completely when I can just hammer a long nail over and over into the floor and cut a block out like that? The pipe can't be fully surrounded by concrete. Before I do so, however, I get a piece of cardboard from the boiler room and take a small lump of coal from the storage. Few short moment later, I am sitting in the closed showers with a sign saying "Undr ree-pear" hanging on the door.

Grab a nail, hammer it down, pull it back out, move it an inch, hammer again.

It takes hours, my teeth and neck hurt, my gums are bleeding because I have to hold the nails with my hooves while hammering them down with my mouth. However, in the end there is a fairly cleanly cut block of floor which I pull out, revealing a crawlspace inlaid with wood and water freely flowing from a cracked pipe. The room under this one must be the second floor showers. I wonder if nopony really noticed a wet spot on the ceiling. Perhaps the guards are just too busy.

Turning the main water valve by the entrance to shut the water off, I put as much glue and putty around the crack and wait for it to dry. Another half an hour later, the pressure returns to the showers, and after testing each nozzle one by one I glue the block of floor back. It's not a great job, and anypony not careful will likely stumble on the gap, but it will be enough for few days. I celebrate the success by drinking as much warm water as I can handle. I haven't eaten anything in three days, so it doesn't help much. If I could write, I would write a book on the perfect diet.

I did good. I wonder if anypony will ever say that.

Silly Greyscale. It's I am supposed to do. After all, nopony thanks a hammer for hammering.

5

I returned the used tools to the warehouse, asking the quartermaster how much should I pay for the broken nails when I got my bits for this week. He stared at me a while, eyebrows raised and blinking. Then he asked me some things about how long I've worked at the castle and stuff. He understood soon enough that I had no clue how things worked, and told me not to worry about it and just bring him the filled form. He didn't mind when I took two spare ones in case I messed something up.

Whistling and humming to myself, I come back to the boiler room and wash my face. In hindsight, I should have showered after my successful repair, but since my coat is grey and my mane has not yet grown enough for the purple to look strange covered in dust, I leave it for later. Anyway, I'll get dirty and sweaty enough during my evening mopping, so I'll save myself having to shower twice. When my hooves stop leaving messy hoofprints everywhere, I grab the requisition form and a piece of coal I previously used to make my "Undr re-pear" sign.

The form itself is simple - name, used supplies, division, reason for borrowing, returned supplies, date, signature, superior officer's signature. What is rather more difficult is filling in the tiny slots with a thick piece of coal. I have to sharpen it a little, but it still is not the best. However, I succeed on a second try and stash the one unused form to my hiding place under the wardrobe. Nopony knows when a piece of paper could be useful.

I've done my best, and so I smile while walking upstairs from the barracks cellars. It's not really visible, as I'm carrying a plastic shopping bag containing the form in my mouth, but it is for me anyway, because ponies don't look at me much. A good thing, I look as if I crawled from a recently collapsed building. Nightmare Night is coming, perhaps I could say I'm just practicing my costume.

"Boo!" I mumble quietly to nopony in particular. Some specks of dust litter the floor. I frown a little. I'm just giving myself more to clean later. Oh well. Walking up and down through the barracks, I fail to find any room referencing "Grey Shrine" or looking like an administration office.

I guess I'll just have to ask somepony. Is there anypony not too busy?

"Looking for something?" a familiar voice portraying somepony who is never far from laughing comes out of an open door when I walk through the second floor for the third time, making sure I didn't miss anything. A red-to-orange-maned head peeks into the hall a second later.

"Yes, mem," I bow to Piercing Hit. She is a guard, which compared to me is like royalty, and she deserves respect, "I hev too faind a ponee neimd Grei Shrain and giv her a re-kvee- uhh... a form."

"Grey Shrine?" she asks after the usual brief pause of somepony piecing together my broken speech. I nod, "Her office is in the castle. Second floor. Look for a grey unicorn mare with light blue mane."

"Tank yoo."

"Mind if I ask what you need from her?"

"Ai fixd d showers on d top floor. It shud last fyoo deis- AAH!" I am grabbed by two strong earthpony legs and picked up, "Soree?" I apologize preemptively. My muzzle has already bled enough for one day.

While I am taller than the mare, she is definitely WAY stronger. Perhaps I should have noticed that before making her mad, because she is heavily toned. In my defense, I don't look at ponies much, it tends to make them yell or get upset.

"You're saying there's not gonna be twenty ponies yelling at me for taking too long in a shower anymore?"

"Meibee?" I flail a little. She notices it and lets me go. Perhaps she isn't angry? One of my droopy ears perks up.

"Wow, and you did it even before the evening rush. This means I actually have time to go out this weekend," her eyes sparkle, she grins to herself, pats my back, and jumps inside her room.

"Ouch..." I hiss and rub the spot. She's really strong.

Shrugging to myself, I walk away accompanied by her excited laughter. She gallops past me even before I get to the main entrance, wearing just some red straps here and there. She must have forgotten to put on a real dress in her hurry.

"Hev a nais eevnink..." I mumble.

She is far away before I end the sentence. Well, if she doesn't mind then who am I to bother her about it?

Torches and lights from ornate windows light my path through the dark courtyard and castle grounds. There is a queue of visitors standing around and chatting on the long cobblestone road leading from the tall gate separating the grounds and the city itself to the castle entrance. Thankfully, I don't have to wait, as there is a small service door a short distance away through which I slink inside.

I REEEEEALLY should have had a shower. The high, white hallways decorated with pillars, red carpets, and occasional vase on a windowsil make me uneasy. It is beautiful, and I have no place here. Having at least dusted my hooves of before entering, I don't leave too much mess in my wake as I walk, accompanied by stoic stares of patrolling guards, up through the castle and finally find an office with a metal plaque reading:

Sgt. Grey Shrine

23. Royal Guard division.

Recruit, training, and barracks management.

In the absence of anything smarter to do, I knock.

A middle-aged unicorn mare, grey just like me but with cyan mane, opens, giving me a curious, yet impatient, glance of a pony ready to take care of business while having a lot on her hooves. She looks me up and down.

"Greyscale, the cleaning guy, right?"

"Yes, mem."

Wow! She knows me? Why?

"What do you need?"

"Ai borrowd sumtink from d storich and dey geiv mee dis form," I pull out the filled out requisition form and present it to her.

She levitates it, and narrows her eyes.

"Is this a joke?" the paper flicks through the air.

"Its mai first taim filling sumtink laik-" I try to look as tiny as I can.

Her carefully controlled voice makes my legs tremble.

"Why did they hire somepony who can't WRITE?" she waves the paper looking as if a foal with black crayon played with it for longer than it was healthy. The soft smack of the page on my muzzle doesn't hurt... physically. I know I'm dumb, but I did the best I could. My vision grows a little hazy and I sniffle.

I decide to lighten the mood a little. She asked for a joke, didn't she? Perhaps she is simply overworked and I came at the wrong time.

"Ai knou a joke. A blaind ponee wolks into a bar and seis ouch!"

Her horn flashes.

Can't... breathe...

"Look, I don't know what you and the privates consider a prank, but I'm busy, so shove this," the form smacks me again, "up your ass and don't bother me! The new princess wants me to find all thestrals in the Guard ASAP and send them to get interviewed. I already have captains Shining Armor and Sharp Biscuit on my back and I DON'T have time for this."

The glow fades and I can breathe again.

"But Ai fixd d showers..."

"You what? WHO LET YOU TOUCH IT? We are already over budget with the barracks being overcrowded due to all the bats coming back. If you did something that will make me beg the committee for one more bit, I will shoot you out of a cannon from Canterlot city walls!"

See? She IS just overworked. She must be a nice lady underneath.

"Ai ken show yoo."

"Just ONE unnecessary bit, and I'm selling you to a griffon restaurant."

I doubt I would taste good.

"Aaaah?" everything turns white and with a thunderclap of reality making space for us, we appear inside the third floor showers of the barracks.

One after one the dials on the walls let water flow out of every nozzle. Grey Shrine looks at me.

"What was the problem?"

"Krekd paip," I point to the block of floor glued back after my makeshift repair. Under Shrine's careful scrutiny, the job I did does not look as good as I previously believed.

She stomps at the floor carefully, it barely shifts. She looks at me, then at the floor, then at me again, then at the floor. Puckering her lips, she re-reads the requisition form.

"Hmmm..." she scratches her head, "This DOES look good. Do you think it will last for one more week?"

"Ai dont nou," I shrug, "Nevr dun aneetink laik dis."

"How did you get into this anyway?" she waves at me to follow her, leaving the showers, "Come to my office, I'm not teleporting us for the second time."

"A betponee neimd Eklips hed a broken bed and Ai fixd it. Ai bought the plenks maiself and evreetink. Eet wont kost yoo a bit," she seems to be calming down, so I throw in the 'no money spent' bonus.

"Why? You just clean the place."

"Shee askd."

"How much did she pay you for the repair?"

"Nothink."

"How much do we pay you?"

"Twentee-faiv bits a week."

"Wow... that doesn't seem worth it."

Oh, damn. She thinks I'm not worth the money. Quick, quick, quick, think! Nopony else will ever give me a chance like this again.

"Ai... Ai tink Ai ken teik onlee twentee if yoo let mee sleep een d cellar."

She GLARES.

"Feefteen?" I shrink even further. It's not going well.

Suddenly, she smiles. I'll have to settle for fifteen bits a week then. I guess I can eat every other day. Diet HO!

She remains lost in thought with me in tow until we are back in her office.

"You know what?" she levitates a new form from a stack behind her which is the now familiar requisition one, "Let me fill this and you just answer my questions."

"Okey," I sit down on the chair on the opposite side of her working table.

"Name."

"Greyscale."

She pauses for a second.

"Date of borrowing."

"Toodei."

This goes on. Every answer is carefully filled in without any unnecessary chitchat. At least until I clutch my belly, groan, and accidentally hit the workdesk.

"What's wrong?"

"Notink. Just... hungree."

She examines me as I try to fight off the stomach cramps.

"You..." she asks carefully, "This isn't a side job for you as it was supposed to be, just an evening cleaning, right? This is the only thing you do."

I nod, wishing to be anywhere else but under her scanning gaze.

"Where do you live?"

"Ummm... Kantrlot?"

"I see," she puts down the filled form, "How would you feel if I took you to the guard canteen?"

"Ai hev no monee, mem. Ai spent eet for d bed."

"Celestia's stars... that was three days ago, right?" I just nod, "My treat. Let's say as a thank you for sparing me more grey hairs in my mane."

"Tank yoo, mem."

She gives me the beautifully filled form, and I follow her through the castle.

I even get THREE free sandwiches. THREE!

I knew she was a nice lady.

6

Thunk, thunk, thunk! Whack, whack!

"Phew!" I wipe my forehead and smile widely. Sawdust and sweat make mess all over my coat, but the reward is glorious, "Tyadaa!"

I raise a thin wooden box up and examine it for any imperfections. There have to be dozens of those, but I'm not a carpenter so as long as it holds shape I'm happy.

The quartermaster's head peeks through the door from the warehouse lobby, one eyebrow raised. It must be a lazy day, because I am here, in the warehouse workroom, completely alone. The middle-aged pony walks over and gives my proud creation a once over.

"A box... without a top," he concludes his exploration, prompting an answer.

"A ree-kvest boks," I beam, "Poneez who need sumtink fixd ken leev ree-kvests een eet."

The weekend is over, and as such I've already been paid my weekly salary. That also means I don't have to sleep that much not to be hungry all the time. I can have a sandwich every day again -yay!- and one full meal twice a week! And since I don't see double from exhaustion and don't wobble anymore while I walk, I can wander around Canterlot again. It's such a beautiful city. Ponies still avoid looking at me, but who can blame them? There are so many wonderful things to see and watching me is a waste of precious time.

"What if somepony steals it?" the quartermaster asks.

A strange question.

"Wai? Eef dey wont too help dey ken just ask."

He snorts and covers his muzzle with a hoof.

"I guess you're right. That... that is exactly why somepony whould take it. To help you with repairing stuff."

I'm glad he understands. There is no reason anypony would want to steal it. It's just a rather shoddy container made from the wooden planks left over from fixing Eclipse's bed. On top of that...

"Noponee ken steel eet aneewey," I knock on the box meaningfully, "Aim going too put eet een d barraks end dere eez a bunch of gards all d taim. Yoo guise ar awsum at yor job! Aiv nevr lost aneetink."

"Do you actually have anything valuable?"

"Ai doo nau!" I wave the box in front of his face.

He just shakes his head and helps me clean the place up. Good to know that if I ever need to do some work again I can just use the warehouse workshop without having to fill any forms. I'm pretty sure sargeant Grey Shrine wouldn't be happy if I bothered her with more paperwork than she already has.

The final thing to do is to nail a piece of cardboard reading "Ree-kvest boks" on the side. I reused my "Undr ree-pear" sign, because I'm smart like that and I didn't have a spare one.

Few freezing minutes of me carrying my creation through castle grounds later, I let it rest by the door to the boiler room in the barracks cellar. Winter has to be just around the corner. There is no snow yet, but it's getting so cold outside it can't be too long before the white city is even whiter. Thankfully, I have an amazing job where I can spend nearly as long as I like in front of the open grate of the furnace heating the water. Sparks flutter around as the fire crackles, giving me something to watch even down here. Some land on my coat still wet from having a shower after my attempt at carpentry and hiss out.

*Knock knock knock*

Huh? Eclipse is the only pony who has ever come here, is anything broken again? Oh my, I can ask her to tell others about my box! If I become even marginally useful then they might stop throwing stuff at me when I walk where I shouldn't. They might only tell me to go away, or even... dare I dream... send me the right way?

"Stoopid Greyscale," I stick out my tongue at my reflection in the shard of broken glass I use to cut my mane. It waves at me and grins, "Yoo bettr lern too doo dis on yor own, cuz poneez kant weist taim wit yoo."

Fiery mane mixing orange with red cut short not to be a handicap during training, neat brown coat with developed muscles underneath, and yellow eyes looking up at me. That all puts together Eclipse's earthpony friend Piercing Hit.

"Helou!" I bow.

"Heyy," she smiles and looks downwards, "What's with the box?"

"Yoo ken rait sumtink yoo wont fixd eef Aim not heer nau."

"Cool," she looks closely at the cardboard with writing, "Umm... no offense, but can you read?"

"Ai ken reed end count too tausend, mem."

"Good for you," she keeps looking at the box. It can't be THAT poorly done. Well, unfortunately, it can. A guard can probably tell the quality is a little... off.

"Wot doo yoo need, mem?"

"Oh?" she jumps as if I startled her, "Right, right. Grey Shrine was asking about you and I needed few brownie points so I looked around instead of her."

"Ai hev no kookeez, mem. Soree."

"Heh, good one," she chuckles, "No, no, just go and see her. She gets pretty annoyed if things don't go her way."

I noticed...

"Okey," I give her a mock salute, "Ken yoo tell poneez about mai boks?"

"Yeah, sure. The guys will be ecstatic if they can save few bits on minor fixes or at least not have to go buy the new parts themselves."

"Tank yoo. Ail bee going nau den."

"Great! No cleaning latrines for me tonight, wohoo!" Piercing Hit jumps and walks up the stairs back to the main building.

Well, better not keep the sargeant waiting. I trot all the way to keep myself warm. The bustle inside the castle never ceases to amaze me. Servants, visitors, guards, everypony meshing into a tapestry of the grand seat of Equestrian power. At least the lower floors, I mean. From my brief visit few days ago I know that the upper ones hosting Guard offices and less frequented storerooms are not so lively.

"Come in!" Grey Shrine's voice answers my knocking.

"Helou, mem. Yoo askd for mee?"

"I did," she waves me closer, chewing a pencil thoughtfully with a stack of papers on her table, "Sit down. I've got good news for you."

I don't like change. It usually means a new way for me to worry about messing something up. Still, pretty admirable that she can talk properly even with her mouth full. No wonder she made it up through the Guard ranks to the post of sargeant.

"Yes, mem?"

"As you may have noticed, the barracks are in pretty abysmal shape."

"Ail trai harder, mem," I give her a guilty look.

"What?" she blinks, "No no, that has nothing to do with you. You're doing a good job. In fact, you're doing such a good job that I had a chat with several residents of the barracks and asked them how they would feel about reinstating some rules from before princess Luna's return."

"Woo eez preenses Loona?"

"Princess Celestia's sister. She came back from her... exile several months ago. As I may or may not have yelled at you before, her return is making me age a year with every new day."

"Soree, Ai forgot," I scratch my head. It always starts hurting when I try to remember stuff, so I just deal with what it shows me when somepony mentions something on the fly, "Yoo ar steel preety, mem."

"Ehm, thank you," she smirks, "Most of us believed it was just an old ponies' tale. Sadly, it wasn't, and now I have my hooves full with all the damn batponies trickling in," she bites through the held pencil, "Aw, crap! Well, in the light of all these new ponies arriving to the castle, the barracks will have to be in a much better shape than now, which is where you come in."

"Aim not det good wit fixing stuff," I have to come clean. My first two repair jobs were more luck than anything else, "Aim not det smart."

"That might be the case, but you have shown you can improvise pretty successfully," she leans towards me and says in a low tone, "Let me be completely honest with you. A real caretaker would cost me about hundred and fifty bits per week, you only fifty. Unless you burn the barracks down you will still be cheaper in the long term than anything I can get on this short notice. I will even overlook that you stay in the cellars for far longer than you are supposed to because I think, correct me if I'm wrong, you have nowhere to return. I don't know where you sleep or what you do in your spare time, and I don't care. You can make home down there through the winter and I doubt anypony will be bothered. Or even if they are, they'll have to voice their concerns to me first."

"Weit, Aim not- FEEFTEE?"

Her smug smile of complete and utter victory when I squeak says it all. I decide to ignore the fact that a skilled pony would be worth three times more than me.  I am neither skilled nor smart, so me being worth one third of a real pony is an amazing upgrade, and overestimation. With fifty bits I could even afford to make the necessary repairs AND eat.

"That's not all, actually. The new thestral recruits and the older residents of the barracks will be docked a small portion of their pay to fill the new repair fund to which I will have access and you will be paying for the materials needed for renovations, upgrades, and repairs from. Now, the last thing - the fund will not pay for you to hire helpers when you have no clue what to do with a problem, there just isn't enough money for trained artisans to take care of stuff even on random basis. To remedy that, you will be allowed a limited access to the 'self help' portion of the castle library which is stocked with guides and manuals."

My head is spinning.

"Aignnnghh..."

Something smells fishy. No, something smells like smoke.

"Doo yoo smell sumtink weerd?"

She sniffs the air as well. Come to think of it, if I focus I can hear voices coming from the outside even in this soundproofed office.

"Is something burning?" she jump to the window and opens it. Thick smoke immediately fills the room, "The hay?"

I peek out, resisting the pungent heat in my nostrils. The office faces the Canterlot mountain, which means it overlooks the barracks right next to the castle wall.

The burning barracks. The only place which has ever found a use for me is turning into a ruin in front of my eyes.

"OH HECK NO!" Grey Shrine's voice is a mix of annoynce and despair.

I...

I...

I forgot to close the boiler furnace grate when Piercing Hit came.

For a second I had a dream of a life. But that was all it was, a dream.

7

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8

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9

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10

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11

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12

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13

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14

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15

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16

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17

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18

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19

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20

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21

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22

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23

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24

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25

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26: The End

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