RD quit her dream, she quit the Wonderbolt academy, what if spitfire didn’t talk to her? What if RD left? Aged up to adulthood
Boot camp never changes, break you into rubble, and form you into a lean and mean fighting machine. But for every fighter they pump out, some will go home. No matter how much you desire your dreams, they still can be shattered.
One such day befell Rainbow Dash. Her heroine turned into a horrifying representation of her dream.
And now, two bumbling fools, yourself included, are trying to recruit her into Equestria’s only anti-espionage unit. Department of [b]Equestrian Reputable Politics Yearlong. The D.E.R.P.Y.
Good Luck Mr Doo…
You will need it.
“Our Department’s name is Department of Equestrian Reputable Politics Yearlong, what does that mean to you Mr Doo?”
“It means that someone really wanted our name to spell Derpy…. It means that we are completely above board. We have to be. Equestria is a symbol of what harmony archives, there fore every department of our government needs to adhere to certain principles. Even our single anti-terrorism unit. We need to act the way we do because if we even dip a toe beyond the line, we will tarnish Equestria’s reputation.” You respond, with a bit of sarcasm early on.
“What do you know of the Elements of Harmony?”
“I’m level five I know that they are ancient artifacts used to cleanse chaos. They work with a group of six ponies who embody them.” Common knowledge at your level within DERPY.
“Welcome to level six. The artifacts are worthless. It is the title they bestow that holds the power. And as I know you are aware, the Element of Loyalty has had a falling out with the other Elements, approximately a year ago. We need to reunite them.
Rainbow Dash is a drunk. There is no polite way of saying it. She has been on various alcohol tours of Equestria for the last three years. In fact, she has become something of a critic. Well, if it wasn’t for all of the hate directed towards her because she gave on becoming a Wonderbolt, especially because she cursed them out before leaving. Between the hate on giving up on her dream, and her cutie mark, she became depressed, and receded into alcoholic drinks.
Sadly your job, Mr Doo, is to recruit her into our department. She has had extensive experience in combating a variety of threats to Equestria. She has confronted Diamond Dogs, rogue magicians, Dragons, and has extensive experience with Griffin Culture… what’s left of it. She is proficient in a number of martial arts dedicated around Equestrian against non-Equine combat. Rainbow Dash would be a valuable asset to this department if you cannot reunite her with her fellow elements.”
Good Luck.”
“Awesome? My friends could have been smashed into pieces.”
“Yeah, but they weren’t right? Can’t say the same for the clouds. We totally wiped them out with that tornado. The other cadets will have to be up there for days to bust as many as we did.”
“A hoof bump? seriously? You made me clip my wing. You sent half of our class into serious tailspins on the obstacle course. You unleashed a tornado that nearly demolished my friends!”
“Yeah, and?”
“And I get that you want to be the best. so do I. But you’re going about it the wrong way. The Wonderbolts don’t seem to think s--”
“You’re right, the Wonderbolts don’t think that you were wrong, I do. And I think that they are wrong!” I ripped out her own insignia.” This uniform is a disgrace to Equestria. I quite!” and I wriggled out of my uniform, trotted over to the edge, and dived off, never to be seen at any Wonderbolt performance again.
Maybe if I had done something else, maybe talk to Spitfire before I left…. I need a drink, I can’t focus on these memories. If only...
It was a bar, McKinhoof’s specifically. Rainbow Dash had been going from bar to bar across Equestria. It was a dump, located in the dregs of Fillydelphia, at least the benches outside weren’t that bad. That said, they scratch.
“I’m not sure why we even want to recruit her. Yeah she did bear the element of Loyalty, but she forsook her duties long ago. Doesn't that make her un-loyal, a deserter or something? I mean, the only reason he isn’t a petty criminal attempting to pay for more booze is because the princess is paying for it.” Your partner, ‘helpfully’ informed you, for the twenty-third time. But despite how obnoxiously he was making it, he had a point.
“It doesn't make sense for me either why the organization would want her. she’s a classic drunk ex-celebrity. Was popular, fell out of the spotlight, and into a mug, still orders are orders.”
“I heard that her nickname back in flight school was Rainbow Crash what made that mare think she could handle Wonderbolt Academy?”
“Don’t trust everything you hear, she won the young fliers’ competition a few years back.”
“You have a fair point. Let’s go over the dossier.” Your partner reasons “And
You pull out the highly confidential folder of secrets. Unfortunately all it read was:
Subject: Rainbow C. Dash
Cutie Mark: Cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt
Occupation: Paid for Drunk
Past Occupation(s): Barmaid at Al’Beer bar in Manehattan(fired) Cadet in the Wonderbolt Academy(Quit), Weather Manager for Ponyville area(Transferred per personal request), Weather captain in Ponyville area(Promoted), Weather controller in Ponyville area(Promoted).
Notes: Subject has advance training with various martial arts. Subject lost her most recent job for drunken behavior. Subject was the bearer of the element of loyalty, however, she has not gone to any of the events where the other elements were present. Before her performance at the Wonderbolt Academy, Subject had a fan club for various good deeds. When her actions were mimicked, she became territorial. Proceed with caution
All and all, not that helpful. But the imaged clipped on would be useful when identifying her. If you, alongside any Pegasus in Equestria didn’t already know her by sight. So all it did was help your unicorn partner identify her later.
“It doesn’t say much, although apparently she had something of a fan club back when she was in Ponyville.” You inform your partner, ”Besides, don’t you remember the briefing?”
“Well, I yeah… Anyway, I didn’t realize she had a fan club... Well, how do you want to do the approach?”
“Well, between the two of us, we have no experience with mares, so the bumbling fools would be easy.” You state. And an uncomfortable silence falls as your partner nods in agreement.
“But I doubt that it would work.” Your partner replied.
“As dumb as it is, I think we have to break rule five.” You whisper to your partner. Rule five; Don’t tell the truth when recruiting.
“If it backfires… well, do we have another option? No we don’t, dang it, why did they send us? I’ll cover you exit, and try to keep anything from leaking.” Your partner informed you. A perk of having a unicorn by your side, sonic barriers to stop any secrets from wandering away.
You stand up and walk into the bar.
The first thing you notice is the smell. While you were outside, it was a passive undertone, but inside it rages all around you. The telltale smell of salt and spices mixed with cider and left to stew. In a word; Beer.
Then as you eyes adjust to the light, you see the vibrant colors of the patrons. Green, pink, purple, orange, and so on.
Then you spot her, sitting in the back, and looking wistfully out the window. You make your aproach, feeling more confident with each step. You’re nearly at her booth, she still hasn’t noticed you. You take a deep breath, and release, ‘You can do this;’ you tell yourself. And you sit down.
“Who in Tartarus are you?” she asks immediately. “Another stallion wanting to gloat about my failure? Or maybe you want my opinion on their beer?”
“Uh, no, not all.” You answer with an awkward undertone.”Actually, I’m here to recruit you.”
“Haha ha ha!” she chortles into her drink, spluttering it a bit. Clearing her throat she says “You look more like an egghead with those glasses of your, then of a sport recruiter.” Aw yes, your glasses. The bane of your social life, the reason you never managed to get into any sport; despite how hard you worked. The reason mares ignored you in favor of lesser stallions. However, you had to keep things professional. Therefore, despite how flustered that comment makes you, you respond.
“Well, Miss Dash, My name is Mr Doo. I work for the Equestrian Government. I was sent to recruit you for a job you won’t take. I was sent to hire you to protect your former friends, the Elements of Harmony.”
“What are you, Crazy? I burned those bridges. They don’t want anything to do with me, nor I with them.” She replied, with regret in her purple eyes. “I almost killed them. They may not say it, but I know that if I even try to talk to any of them again, somepony will end up in a hospital.”
Sensing an opportunity, you speak up; ”Who said anything of talking to them? They don’t need to know that you are even there. Your job, should you accept it, would to to protect them from harm, we can easily add in a clause to keep your identity secret. All we would need is a moniker.”
“Moniker? What are you, an egghead?” And she pushes your patience a bit too far.
“A nickname, ok, and yes, I am a egghead. I’ll have you know, I am a very successful egghead. I have five bestseller books! The Daring Doo series? I wrote them all! I may be an egghead, but I am proud of it!” You launch back at her. You’ve had that speech ready for you mother for nearly a year now. She still disapproves of the fact that you didn’t go into the family transport business.
“So that’s who you are under that fur. Heh, didn’t peg you for confrontational sort. Well, let’s get down to business. How much are you offering?”
“You took that fairly well.” You respond with questioning tone.
“Do you know what the Dash family trade is? Not many ponies do.” At your head nod, she continues. “Mercenaries, we may dress it up every few generations, but that is what we are raised as. My father part-timed as a racer, and went all over. My mother went into the fashion industry, and was always brushing feathers with high-class folk. When I came of age, I chose a stress free life. See where that got me? Drunk across Equestria. Heh. So, to business, how much are you offering?”
“We are prepared to offer you an twelve-bit salary, alongside an expense account, and bonuses for special events.” You read off.
“So pretty much the standard fare. Make it thirteen bits, and I’ll do it.”
“I’m afraid any raises will have to be done at winter-wrap-up. But if your first year goes well, I have no doubt that your raise will be approved. As a side note, the mentioned expense account will cover up to fifty bits a month on recon on facilities, such as this bar, if you feel that they may go to the location within fourteen days.”
“When do I start?”
“In five days, there will be a train from the nearby rail to Canterlot. Board the train, and meet me at Donut Joe’s. When you get there, you start.”
Time to for the post-mission debrief. Just remember the mandatory reading:
Take a deep breath. In, hold, release. You are not talking to a large group, you are talking to the subjects of your dictatorship. The crowds want to be on your side, they want you to be their excuse. Deep breaths, and remember, don’t incite a lynch mob.
Public Speaking 101
For dummies who need the help
Seriously mare up, girl; Fix your act
-Author: Iron Will
“Mister Doo, I presume that you have no idea the extent of your actions?” Greets you as you enter the meeting room.
“With all due respect, I completed the mission parameters.” You respond according to Department regulations.
“This is no laughing matter. After the Element of Loyalty abandoned her compatriots, the connection between the bearers became strained. The Element of Kindness; Fluttershy, became even more of a recluse. The Element of Honesty started to bottle her feelings, and has caused numerous domestic disturbances. The element of Laughter, Pinkie Pie, outright abandoned Ponyville for the last eight months, and has retreated into depression. The Element of Generosity, Rarity, took a job in Manehattan, which periodically sends her out of the country. Our orders were to place Miss Dash in contact with her fellow bearers in the hopes that their bond would reforms, and perhaps even strengthen. Instead, you promised her minimal contact. In short, you ruined the operation!”
You are in some deep trouble, Mister Doo.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to survive this meeting….
Hello worthless. You my dear, are just some crook here to proof a point. You might be wondering why you suddenly found yourself in ponyville, rather than in Canterlot.
You see, by opening the bag my associate provided you with, you agreed to a magically binding contract which transported you to the job. Yes I went there.
Your mission, now that you’ve chosen to accept it, is to teach a tramp of a mare who had the odasity to ruin my reputation at the Grand Galloping Gala.
She is a white unicorn mare, three blue gems for a cutie mark. Purple mane and tail, with blue eyes. Do what you will with her, the fifty bits should be all the motivation you require. Her business and home is located at the only carousel in town.
--Your Employer
“This should be easy.” You scoff.
In fact you could see the Carousel right now. Hideous thing, it looked straight out of a rundown amusement park. It even had a cobweb in a window.
I didn’t even hope for this job to be so easy.” You easily leap into the window, you even have a dramatic roll. Too bad it was your last. You had done yourself a great disservice by opening the bag. Fifty bits is all you’ll have to your name when you are dragged off, by a mare in a full body suit, including wings.
Once you finished your dramatic roll, something hit your head from behind. Hard.
You immediately started seeing stars, but you did make out the black silhouette of a pegasus, between you and the window. You figured out the full body suit later, but that didn’t stop the mysterious pegasus from shackling you, and dragging you out of the store, and to the nearby sheriff's office.
You never stood a chance.
Agent Tense Wings, your mission is to infiltrate Equestria’s Annual Canterlot Cruise and kidnap any of the following targets: ‘Fluttershy’, ‘Rarity’ ‘Twilight Sparkle’ or ‘Spike’ . If kidnaping is rendered unobtainable, kill them.
=COMMAND
You, are Gilda the Griffon. You are also the finest covert operative that the griffon Tribal Council has to offer. And for some brilliant reason, the council wants you to take on Equestria’s finest. And unfortunately, you don’t have the option of refusing any mission, let alone one of ‘great strategic value’. Because if you do, your little sister will end up dead in a shallow grave.
Not one day goes by that you don’t worry that you will fail, and she’ll end up face down in the dirt.
You tried, once, to rescue your sister. You tried to reach out to your old friend Rainbow Dash, as you knew of her family’s business. Sadly, Rainbow Dash had just been hired, and was drunk. She barely recognised you, until you forced the issue. You tried to move to a more private area, but Rainbow was a stubborn as a barmaid as she was a friend, or so you had thought. You also thought that maybe all the time you had spent with her would buy you at least a few minutes, but sadly for you and your sister, you two ended up brawling.
Rainbow dash was fired, and you got a very graphic letter from your handler of what he would do to your sister if you ever tried reaching out again. He even drew diagrams of where he’d cut. All avian creatures fear the loss of their wings. Unfortunately for your sister, her fear is far from unfounded.
And from your love of your sister, you are infiltrating the most heavily secured airship.
And worst of all, your targets were Rainbow’s friends.
Well, maybe that isn’t the worst part, after all, revenge is sweet.
Well, bittersweet.
Life has been pretty good for you Mr Doo.
You did manage to survive that debriefing, but within a week, your risk in being blunt when you recruited Rainbow Dash has paid off. She managed to unveil a plot to traumatise an Element of Harmony. And you were just handed an easy assignment, protect the Elements of Harmony in the Annual Canterlot Cruise. The black tie event of the year. The Gala is easy to get into; Forty bits, and you have a ticket. You have to be invited to get on the cruise. Well, quite frankly, you only have the invite because Rainbow had requested time off, something about a personal debt.
Thankfully you have improved your charismatic capabilities. therefore brushing feathers with the high-class of Equestria is no longer such a daunting task. in fact after your successful recruitment mission and the debriefing afterwards, your self confidence has improved drastically allows your natural ability to bend words to your whim to extend beyond the written word. All around you have become a vastly improved agent for the D.E.R.P.Y.
And as a reward for your performance, you have been given the easiest assignment of the year. Sit and talk to a bunch of very important ponies for a weekend. The Canterlot Guard will handle the security.
All in all life was pretty good for you Mr Doo.
After requesting the time off, it had been shockingly easy to find out why Gilda was in Canterlot. A quick chat with your brother Blaze, a letter to mom, and you have enough INTEL to make your handler blush.
Your friend from flight school, is an assassin. Well, to politically correct, Covert Operative, under the employ of the Tribal Council.
The worst part is, it’s partially your fault. You abandoned your friend, again.
When Gilda came to at Al’ Beer, her sister had been captured by the Council, and has since been used to force her compliance.
Now, you have a mission.
You have already accepted it Miss Dash.
You are going to rescue Gilda’s Sister, and save your friends…
All before she captures or kills the Elements of Harmony!
Something is wrong. You know that the moment that the Annual Canterlot Cruise cast off. You didn’t become a handler for nothing, nor a mystery writer, which is why you know how tacky that feeling is.
But what are you going to do about, Mister Doo? Are you going to run along to the nearest guard, tell her that you think something is wrong… Ask her to investigate with you? She’d think that you were hitting on her.
No mister Doo, you have to investigate this yourself….
The Everfree Forest, it brings back so many memories.
Back when I had thought that Twilight was a spy. Working for Nightmare moon, trying to lead us to our doom.
Before I messed it all up….
Well, now it’s gonna hold a new memory: The time I saved my friends.
At least they made the mistake of using the Castle of the Two Sisters.
My family still has records of that place’s secret passages. They likely don’t know a third of them.
It’s too easy, that’s your first thought.
You were welcomed aboard as the heiress to a major transport business. Of course you spend months making that cover. So maybe it wasn’t too easy.
But you haven’t managed to get off without any suspicion. Some mystery writer is looking around, and trying to be covert about it, but has no idea that you are the ‘disturbance’ he felt.
Still, if he becomes a too much of a problem, you can just tie him up in a storage room, interrogate him, and stuff the corpse in an empty wine barrel.
Well, that’d smell. Maybe just gag him and stuff him into the barrel?
This requires more thought.
After interviewing a significant percentage of the partons, it is obvious that there is a lot of feuds between the various participants. Maybe this wasn’t the easy assignment you thought you were given.
Of the dozen of theories you made, none included the Elements of Harmony; Well with the exception of Prince Blueblood provoking Rarity into castrating him.
You never realised what was going to happe-
And your world is darkness
You had just knocked the inquisitive pony out when you had a sense of unease.
Something had just changed. Something important, something that will change all the rules. Too late to go back now.
On to the first target, Fluttershy.
It was easy, too easy.
Five guards. That's all the Tribal Council used.
Four of which were easily disposed of using the secret passages.
The last one had caught on, and had used Gilda’s sister as a hostage, thinking that you were Gilda.
Unfortunately for the unnamed guard, your father taught you how to handle that particular scenario.
Now to get to Gilda...
Fluttershy was easy, the recluse only needed to be told that an animal needed her attention.
Twilight only needed to be told that the princes had sent a package to her, which was below decks. Spike just went along with Twilight, and they were both easily handled.
Rarity was a bit harder, and was a bit suspicious, but you muddled though.
Now, you have no idea how to apprehend Applejack.
A few miles below the speed of sound got you to the cruise. A bribe got you on the guestlist, a drink in a nearby bar made you late.
Nopony is perfect.
So now you have to rush to catch the cruise before it is too far away.
Now you’ve found yourself in a spot of trouble.
“What do you mean, you can’t let me on?” You ask, for clarification.”I’m on the guest list!”
“Mam, it doesn’t matter, we only can let guests on at established stops. We have yet to reach the stop at Cloudsdale why don’t you fly ahead and wait there?” The guard explains.
It does make sense. The ponies are extremely important, and letting ponies on mid flight is dangerous. Unfortunately, you are not exactly welcomed at Cloudsdale anymore.
And to make matters worse, you know that Gilda will make her move before then, and escape at Cloudsdale. Hopefully with ‘luggage’, meaning that your friends are still alive.
“You know perfectly well why I won’t wait at Cloudsdale.” You respond, annoyed.
“Well maybe you shouldn’t have disgraced the Wonderbolts. Then you might have been on this cruise with your friends, rather than trying to join hours la-” The guard starts.
“Let her on.” Pinkie interrupts him, with an uncharacteristic frown and serious tone.
“Mam, my previous point still stands.” The guard responds to her, slightly worried.
“Ember, let her in, and apologize. You do not want to make an enemy of me. Do you understand?” Pinkie threatens this guard, apparently named Ember.
“How do you know my name, the armor should be hiding our identities!” Ember exclaims.
“It doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are going to let Miss Dash on board. You are not going to make a mess of this, do you understand?” Pinkie tells Ember in an authoritative tone.
Reluctantly, Ember lets you on and flies off. You turn to thank Pinkie only to get slapped.
“Rainbow Dash! After stalking us for months, you show up late to the Annual Canterlot Cruise! The only reason I persuaded Ember to let you on is because of what you did for Rarity a while back. Misbehave and you are off missy!” Pinkie tells you off.
“Uh, I’m not sure what to say.” You respond.
“Then don’t, just go and handle Gilda, She’s probably the only reason you're here.” Pinkie tells you venomously. And sadly, she’s right; If it wasn’t for Gilda, you wouldn’t be here, you would just let your handler do all the work.
Now to find Gilda, before Gilda finds you.
` Applejack taken care of, you started searching for the most elusive of the ponies, Pinkie Pie. The mare that ruined your friendship with Rainbow Dash. Sure Rainbow may had planted the pranks, but Pinkie led you to them.
You honestly have no idea where to look. From what INTEL you were given, she had retreated to her parents’ rock farm for a while, before returning to Ponyville more depressed than when she had left. She had left because her parents had died, and the farm had reminded her too much of them.
Maybe she’d be near the kitchens, trying to bake something?
You found her, sneaking around near the kitchens. The fact that she was sneaking gave her away. She had a legitimate reason, but chose to hide her presence, and such stood out. You were taught to notice details in your environment starting from most important to least. Sneaking figures are rather important. Now, how are you going to handle this?
“Gilda.” You call out.
She jumps up in surprise.
“RD, what are you doing here?!” She asks, “I didn’t see your name on the guest list?”
“Well, my mother said in no uncertain terms what was going to happen, so I really didn't have a choice. And for the record, I am sorry for breaking your beak back at Al ’Beer.”
“Well, apology accepted, now, why are you here?”
“Do you know why I distanced myself from my friends, why I gave up on the Wonderbolts? I did all of that because I nearly killed my friends. And afterwards, I still could. I was trained in how to fight, from fillyhood. I still would endanger them. I may be many things, but I will not outright betray them.”
“So you are here to stop me?”
“No, I’m here to fix our friendship. I know about your sister.”
“Then why didn’t you help me when I came to you?”
“In my defense, I was drunk and I told you to come back later. But I think that you’d want to know that your sister is safe, I personally saw to it.”
“Well, I guess I should tell you where to find your friends, then fly off to the sunset. First though, tell me where my sister is.”
“The Tindered Loge. A hotel in Canterlot, room three.”
“Well, I guess this is goodbye.”
“Yes, yes it is.”
Author's Note
Oneshot, result of me goofing off while avoiding family during spring break, found it and dressed it up to procrastinate my English assignments… Anyone who wants to adopt it, go ahead.
I might do a epilogue chapter in the future. Hope you enjoyed it.