Backwards life

by Thunder-Dasher

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Sad
Length: 2098

Life's not easy when you're struggling with identity issues.

Onyx Eclipse seems like your standard, run of the mill stallion. He's a well respected member of the royal night guard, loves to hang out with friends when he can, and enjoys going on adventures every now and then. However, though he's accomplished much, though he's lived a pretty normal life, he's never truly been happy. That changes, however, after a talk with Princess Luna one night.

Now, suppressed feelings resurface, and Onyx is finally willing to embrace them. However, hardship soon strikes between him and his family and friends, and the stallion will have to learn to overcome each challenge if he is to ever become truly happy.

This is a story about the struggles of being transgender and bisexual. If either of these themes bother you, then back out now.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-26 17:41:48 UTC

The talk

The night was quite beautiful. A full moon hung in the sky, casting a lovely silver glow across the land. The stars were all set in just the right places. It was almost perfect. For one bat stallion, however, tonight was anything but perfect.

Onyx Eclipse had worked hard to get to where he is today. He's well respected among the royal night guard, he has formed many great friendships, even becoming a close friend of Princess Luna herself. However, everypony has their demons, and tonight, Onyx was going to face his own. As he walked towards the castle, a feeling of fear and doubt clung onto him like a vice. However, he knew that if he backed out now, he might not have the courage to do this again.

Upon reaching the castle, he paused at the main doors.

"Sir, is everything alright?" One of the guards asked.

"Everything's fine, sergeant," Onyx said, "Thanks for the concern, though".

"If you are here to speak with the princess, you'll find her in the ballroom," The sergeant said.

"Thanks for the tip," Onyx said before opening the doors and walking inside.

As he made his way through the halls, Onyx couldn't help but be amazed. It didn't matter how many times he walked through those halls, the sight of the marble walls reflecting the moonlight never ceased to keep hold of his attention. However, all things must eventually come to an end. One last obstacle, one last barrier to go through. After a couple of breathing exercises, Onyx summoned up enough courage to open up the ballroom doors and walk in. He did not expect what he saw.

In the middle of the large room, the princess of the night was dancing. Onyx sat down to watch, entranced in the lovely display. When Luna had finally come to what appeared to be the end of her routine, she heard something strange. Looking in the direction of the sound, Luna was shocked to find somepony applauding. How long the pony had been there, she did not know. All she knew at that moment was that her face felt very warm.

"That was quite a display," Onyx said as he walked over.

"I... um... thank you," Luna said, pointing her gaze towards the floor.

"Perhaps you could teach me sometime," Onyx said.

"I... well, I um... suppose I could," Luna said, glancing only slightly upward.

"Oh, come now, Lulu, there's no need to be embarrassed," Onyx said, "You're a great dancer, embrace that".

The two ponies sat there in silence for what like forever before Luna finally looked up to face the pony in front of her.

"Onyx?" Luna asked, "I thought I recognized that voice, but it has been so long, I couldn't quite be sure".

"It has been but only a year and a half, Lulu," Onyx said, slightly shocked, "Surely your memory isn't THAT bad".

"I do like to believe the same," Luna said, "So, what brings you here, old friend?"

"Oh, now I'm old, am I?" Onyx asked in a mock accusing tone.

"No! I didn't mean it like that!" Luna said, bring her front hooves up in some sort of defense.

"I know that, I was just messing with you," Onyx said, "But to answer your question, I'm here because I really need somepony to talk to".

"What have you gotten yourself into?" Luna asked.

"Nothing like that, I assure you," Onyx confirmed, "It's just that, my whole life, I've been suppressing a part of myself out of shame. It was hard to hide it at first, but got easier as time went on. However, a couple of nights ago, that part of me resurfaced. After much thinking, and a little bit of experimentation, I've decided to finally just embrace it... but I don't really know how".

"So, you are haunted by something from your past just as I sometimes am," Luna said, "Tell me, what is it that haunted you so?"

"My whole life, I've known something is wrong with me," Onyx admitted, "A week after I got my cutie mark, I realized it. I... I wanted to be a filly. My parents got me to feel ashamed of feeling that way, and I've hidden it for most of my life".

Luna said nothing, but instead motioned for Onyx to continue.

"A couple of nights ago, I got this really strong urge to fill that void when I stress I didn't even know I had started bearing down on me," Onyx explained, "I had the whole night off last night, so I decided to further explore that feeling. It felt great, being able to feel like a mare. In all honesty, I've never actually been quite so happy before. But, every now and again, I'd think about how my family and friends would take it. I'm... well, I'm afraid of how poorly they might react".

"I understand how scary that can be," Luna said, "However, do not be afraid of going through this alone. Some time ago, I had almost destroyed Equestria a second time with a being known as the Tantibus. I had created it myself with the sole purpose of giving me the same nightmare everyday so that I would never forget what I had almost done once. However, it eventually managed to get into the dreams of other ponies, and had enough power to enter the waking world and cause unknown destruction. With help from the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, I was able to fight back against it and prevent disaster".

"I do not mean to sound rude, but how does that relate?" Onyx asked.

"Without encouragement from my friends, I would have never had the strength to do what I did that night," Luna explained, "I trusted them to help me see that conflict through, and they did not fail me. They are truly the best friends a pony could ever have. I believe that if you put the same faith in your friends and family, you will likely get the same result".

The two sat there in silence once again as Onyx went through many scenarios in his head. Some of the scenarios were about his family and friends just being flat out alright with the news, others were about his fears from the night before. Finally, the stallion shook his head to free himself from his thoughts and return to his conversation.

"I guess, what's meant to happen will happen," Onyx said, "But, I can't be afraid of that. I'll never move forward if I hold onto my fears. Like you, I have to put faith in my friends and family to do what's right".

"And if they do not, as harsh as it may sound, you might need to simply cut them from your life... for a while at least," Luna said, "This is about you and your happiness. You'll need friends to help you get through the tough times, but you don't need somepony working to drag you down. Keep some modicum of grip on them for if they ever come around, but don't associate too much with them. If you do, they'll only make your life miserable".

"Thanks for this... for being there for me," Onyx said, "I'll take what you said and run with it. For now though, could I possibly get my first dance lesson?"

First reveal

It'd been a week since Onyx first talked with Luna. Since then, when not duty, he's been spending almost all night with her, talking and dancing... or, well, learning how to dance. He's quite enjoyed his interactions with Luna, and is grateful for the advice she's given. Tonight, he was determined to finally put that advice to use. One way or another, for good or bad, he was determined to finally start letting others know the truth.

As he walked along the moonlit roads of Canterlot, he went over and over in his head what he would say. His parents were going to be the hardest challenge, being some of the most not understanding ponies out there. Many different scenarios played in his head, very few of which were actually pleasant. As his old home got closer, his doubts, fear, and discomfort grew. As his hoof reached out to the door, he closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths. Then, with one final breath, he tapped on the door, summoning whoever was inside.

"Yes!? Who is it!?" Yelled a voice from inside the house.

"It's me, dad," Onyx said.

As the door opened, a very muscular stallion stood in the doorway.

"Hey, dad," Onyx said.

"Hey there, Onyx," Onyx's dad said, "Come on in".

He did just that. Every step he took, however, did nothing to help calm him. He knew there was no turning back, and it scared him. One way or another, his parents were about to find out that their son wants to be their daughter, and it scared him to death. As he entered the living room, he went over one last time what he was going to say, and prayed that it would end well.

"Why, hello there, Onyx," Onyx's mom said as she walked over to hug him, "How's life going?"

"It's been... alright," Onyx said.

"What's wrong?" Onyx's mom asked.

"I uh... well, you see... I kinda..." Onyx stammered.

"Just tell us," Onyx's dad said, "You've not gotten into anything bad, have you?"

"No, it's nothing like that!" Onyx said defensively, "I just...".

"Just what?" Onyx's mother asked, sitting down.

Before uttering another word, Onyx took a couple of deep breaths.

"Alright, I know you two won't like this at first, but," Onyx said, taking yet another deep breath, "I... I uh... no longer want to be a stallion. I want... I want to be a mare".

"Oh, not this again," Onyx's mom said, annoyance rising in her tone.

"A mare? Really?" Onyx's dad asked.

"I thought you'd gotten over that when you were a colt," Onyx's mom said.

"I wanted to grow up a filly, though you wouldn't let me," Onyx said.

"Because you weren't one, simple as that," Onyx's dad said.

"Can't you just be happy with what you've got?" Onyx's mom said, "Be proud of the great stallion you've become?"

"I am happy with what I have, and I'm proud of my accomplishments," Onyx said.

"Then why would you want to throw all that away?" Onyx's dad asked.

"I wouldn't be throwing it away," Onyx said, "I'd still be me. Everything I have, every accomplishment I've earned... it'll all still be mine. The only difference would be my appearance and name".

"You know you can't really become a mare, right?" Onyx's mom asked.

"Princess Luna knows a spell that says otherwise," Onyx said.

"And you would actually have her cast it on you?" Onyx's mom asked, "Just think about that for a second, think about what you'd really be doing".

"Trust me, you wouldn't want to do that," Onyx's dad said, "You go through with that, and the results will be devastating. I got nothing against mares, but they can't achieve half of what you have".

"I beg to differ with that," Onyx said, "I've been bested plenty of times by mare's half my size, even half my strength sometimes".

"Alright, look, just give me one good reason why you should be a mare," Onyx's mom commanded.

"Put simply, I've always felt like I was born wrong " Onyx pointed out, "I've never really been happy with my body, and I want that to change".

"And yet you're happy with what you have," Onyx's dad pointed out sarcastically.

"Family, friends, material possessions," Onyx said, "My body? Didn't add that to the equation".

"Look, I raised a son, not a daughter" Onyx's dad stated, "If you really want to be a mare, fine, but you won't be MY daughter".

"If you really go through with this, if you really change your body, you'll have basically killed our son," Onyx's mom said, "Anypony that does that won't be considered part of this family. If you want to remain in this family, then you'll stay the way you are. Otherwise, just go ahead and leave".

"Yea, love you too," Onyx said sarcastically before turning towards the direction of the door, "OR perhaps you'd rather I didn't. Either way, I'm happy when I can feel like a mare, and that's what I choose".

"Good bye, then," Onyx's mom said.

With that, Onyx left his parent's house and started off back towards the castle.