MLP: FML 2 - Chaotic Changes

by Maniac92

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe
Length: 30830

Twilight and her friends return for another season of parody fun. However, new enemies may make this story a bit more serious than the last one...

An insane and illogical sequel parody of your favorite ponies.

It's been months since Twilight Sparkle stopped Nightmare Moon and moved to Ponyville. In that time, she's gone on many adventures with her friends and has finally gotten used to their insane antics.

However, new enemies are coming to destroy them. Can Twilight and her friends survive a mad god, an evil plan to take over Equestria, and an author who's finally adding a plot to this story?

Rated T for cartoon horse violence, strong language, and suggestive humor.

Cover art generously provided by Script!

Published 2016-01-17 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-25 21:08:16 UTC

Fiendishly Free

A blue blur blazed through the skies, dodging and flipping over clouds as it went. Suddenly, it shot downwards into Ponyville, where it narrowly avoided collisions with several ponies, causing them to shout after it. Racing down the streets, the blur finally slowed down in front of Sugarcube Corner.

“Whoo!” cheered Rainbow Dash as she skidded to a stop in front of the bakery. “That’s got to be a new record!” She spotted a blue-furred pony exiting the shop and called out to her. “Colgate! How long did it take me to get here?”

“…You realize I wasn’t watching you right?” asked Colgate. “Even if I was, I don’t have a clock to check your time.”

“I guess that makes sense…” muttered Rainbow. She frowned as she thought of something. “Wait…aren’t you supposed to get mad and say your name is Minuette?”

“Do I still do that?” asked Colgate, chuckling. “Ah…that takes me back…” She wandered off, lost in her memories.

“…Weird…” muttered Rainbow Dash. She shook her head and took a step towards the entrance of Sugarcube Corner.

A pink blur rocketed out of the building and crashed headfirst into Rainbow, knocking her backwards.

“OW!” yelled Rainbow, rubbing her sore forehead. She got back onto her hooves and said, “What the hell was-” She choked as two pink legs wrapped around her neck.

“I’m so sorry, Dashie!” said Pinkie Pie, pulling her friend into a tight hug. “Are you hurt? Do you need anything? An icepack? A doctor? Mouth-to-mouth?”

“No, no, and…uh…m-maybe later?” said Rainbow, blushing slightly. She pulled her head away from Pinkie and said, “So…uh…why were you running out of Sugarcube Corner? Did the Cakes close down early?”

“Uh-huh!” nodded Pinkie. “Mrs. Cake showed Mr. Cake a white stick and they both got really happy for some reason. They grabbed a bottle of wine, went up to their bedroom, and haven’t come out since.”

“A white stick?” repeated Rainbow. Her eyes went wide, “Wait…does that mean Mrs. Cake is preg-”

“Anyway,” interrupted Pinkie, “I ran outside because I didn’t want to miss the mail pony! They’ve got a big, thick package for me!”

“That’s what she said,” said Rainbow immediately.

“That is what I said,” said Pinkie, nodding seriously. “Good to see you’re keeping up, Dashie.”

“But that…that’s not…” began Rainbow. She sighed and said, “Never mind. What are you supposed to be getting, anyway?”

“The script!” said Pinkie excitedly.

“The script?” repeated Rainbow. “That binder you were freaking out about during your birthday party?”

“That was the script for Season 1,” said Pinkie. “I’m waiting for the script for this season!”

“…You mean fall?” asked Rainbow.

Pinkie gasped and pointed down the road. “There she is!” she said excitedly.

Rainbow turned around and smiled as two ponies walked towards them. “Hey Derpy!” she greeted.

Derpy Hooves smiled at Rainbow, her eyes pointing in their usual opposite directions. She was wearing a blue uniform and had a brown bag at her side. “Morning Rainbow Dash! Morning Pinkie!”

“Hi!” said Pinkie. She rushed forward and poked her head into Derpy’s bag. “Any mail for me?”

Derpy grabbed Pinkie by the scruff of the neck and pulled her head out of her bag. “Please don’t do that, Pinkie Pie,” she said happily. “Stealing other ponies’ mail is a federal offense…punishable by death.”

“No it isn't,” said the unicorn filly next to her. She sighed and pushed up her glasses, glaring up at Derpy.

“It’s not?” asked Derpy. She smiled and patted the filly’s blonde mane. “Well, if you say so, it must be true! You’re so smart, Dinky!”

Dinky moved away from Derpy and straightened her mane. “Whatever…” she muttered, turning her head away from the older pony. Derpy smiled endearingly at Dinky, who pointedly ignored her.

Rainbow Dash coughed awkwardly and said, “So…how are you two doing? It’s been about a couple of years since you’ve adopted Dinky, right?”

“It’s been great!” said Derpy happily. “Although, Dinky is a little mad at me right now. The rest of her class is up in Canterlot taking a tour of the castle. But it’s Take Your Daughter/Confused Son to Work Day today and I figured she’d enjoy that a bit more than seeing some old statues. Besides, what if one of them fell on you? What if you got hurt? What if you got killed?!” She grabbed Dinky and held her close. “It’s okay…Mama’s here…”

“Mom…get off!” said Dinky, struggling to get away. “You’re so embarrassing!”

“Aw…isn’t it precious?!” asked Pinkie in a high-pitched voice. She frowned and said in her normal voice, “Seriously, where’s my package?”

“Package?” asked Derpy, letting go of Dinky, whose glasses were askew. “I don’t have a package for you today, Pinkie.”

“…What?” asked Pinkie. “B-but where’s my new script?”

While Pinkie questioned Derpy, Rainbow Dash looked up at the sky and frowned. “…What the hell is that?” she wondered out loud.

High in the sky was a pink cloud. It zoomed across Ponyville, heading in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Is that cloud pink?” asked Derpy, watching it go.

“Correction,” said Dinky, “Are those clouds pink?” She pointed up to dozens of pink clouds that were lazily drifting over Ponyville.

“What the hell’s going on?” muttered Rainbow Dash, watching as the clouds moved towards Sweet Apple Acres. She shook her head and turned to Pinkie. “Go get Twilight!” she ordered. “I’m going to see if I can get rid of some of these.” And with that, she launched into the sky and flew towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Meanwhile:

Applejack and Big Macintosh watched as pink clouds rolled over the orchard. “…Mac?” asked Applejack, not taking her eyes off the sky.

“Yeah?” asked Big Mac, also staring up at the sky.

“It’s probably not a good thing that all these weird clouds are showin’ up over the farm, is it?” asked Applejack.

“Nope,” replied Big Mac.

There was a loud noise, as if a vacuum cleaner had been turned on. Apples were suddenly pulled off the trees and sucked into one of the strange pink clouds.

“That thing is takin’ all the apples!” said Applejack. “We gotta-”

A blue blur zoomed through the sky and crashed into one of the clouds, causing it to break apart. Apples rained down from the sky and landed on the ground.

“…Let Rainbow Dash handle it, apparently,” finished Applejack. She watched as a pink-coated Rainbow landed in front of her. “Thanks! You just saved mah farm!”

“Our farm?” said Big Mac.

“Our farm,” amended Applejack. She leaned in close to Rainbow Dash and muttered, “Really mah farm.”

“Yeah, great…” said Rainbow Dash. She growled and tried getting the remains of the cloud off of her body. “God, this stuff is so sticky!” She sniffed the piece of pink cloud on her arm. “Wait…” she took a lick. “Is…is this cotton candy?” She kept licking the stuff off of her arm, moaning at the sugary taste.

Big Mac blushed and coughed awkwardly as Rainbow kept licking and moaning. “Ah’ll be in my room,” he muttered, quickly walking off.

Twilight Sparkle quickly ran up to Applejack, an open book floating in front of her. “Don’t worry, Applejack!” she said. “I’ve got a spell just for this situation!”

“…You have a spell just for cotton candy clouds that suck up apples?” asked Applejack.

“Yep!” said Twilight happily.

“…Seems a bit convenient, but Ah’m not complainin’,” said Applejack. “Fire away!”

Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. Her horn started glowing with a purple light that got brighter and brighter until suddenly there was a flash of blinding light.

When the light faded, Applejack’s jaw dropped. All the clouds in the sky had disappeared, leaving everything the way it was supposed to be. She whistled and said, “Damn, Twilight! You took care of those clouds like they were nothin’!”

Twilight smiled and said, “No problem, Applejack. I know how much this farm means to you.”

“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, finally done licking the cotton candy off of her body, “You’re lucky Twilight and I showed up when we did! You were pretty helpless, right?”

Applejack frowned at her. “If Ah recall correctly, Twilight did most of the work. You just took out one cloud and spent the rest of the time lickin’ yourself.”

“Your brother didn’t seem to mind,” said Rainbow, smirking. “In fact, he looked a little excited from what I saw.”

“…Meaning?” asked Applejack.

“I gave your brother a bone-” began Rainbow.

“Girls, can we focus?” interrupted Twilight. “We need to figure out where those clouds were coming from.” She sighed and said, “If only Spike was here. I’d have him send a letter to the Princess in order to see what’s happening. Now I have to walk all the way back to the library and-”

“Twilight!” shrieked a voice. Everyone turned and saw Rarity running towards them, her horn glowing blue. Spike was floating along beside her, a bored expression on his face. Rarity came to a stop in front of Twilight and shoved Spike in her face. “Spike just coughed up a scroll! Is he sick? Is there something wrong with him? Is it contagious?!”

Twilight put her hoof on the top of Spike’s head and pushed him down so she could look at the other mare. “No Rarity,” she said, “That’s how Spike sends and receives scrolls to the Princess. He’s supposed to do that.”

“Really?” asked Rarity. She levitated Spike up in the air and examined his rear. “What do you send with the other end?”

Spike coughed and quickly covered his backside. “I’m fine with you looking down there,” he said carefully, “But I want to make it clear that that area is exit-only.”

“What did the Princess want, Spike?” asked Twilight.

“Princess Celestia wants everyone to come to Canterlot immediately,” said Spike as Rarity put him down. “Apparently it’s some end-of-the-world type thing.” He yawned and continued, “She wrote it in all-caps, so it must be important.”

“All-caps?!” yelled Twilight. “This must be important!” She turned to the others and said, “Go find Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie! We need to get to Canterlot as soon as possible!”

“Does we include me?” asked Spike hopefully.

Twilight stared at him. “…Does it ever?”

Spike glared back at her. “One of these days, you’re going to need me. Then who’ll be laughing?”

“…Who?” asked Rainbow.

“Huh?” asked Spike, turning to face her.

“Who’ll be laughing?” asked Rainbow. “I want to know.”

Spike stared at her before shaking his head and walking away. “Goddammit Dash…” he muttered.

An hour later:

Princess Celestia was pacing in front of the stained-glass windows. “Where the hell are they?” She asked as she eyed the clock on the wall.

The door to the entrance hall was thrown open. Twilight and the others quickly ran into the room, looking haggard. “Princess…” panted Twilight. “We…got here…as…whew…” she wiped her sweaty forward with her hoof.

“…Did you all run here?” asked Celestia. “I sent a chariot to pick you up.”

Meanwhile:

The two Royal Guards watched the front door of the library intensely.

“…I don’t think she’s home,” said Depressed Guard. He sighed and said, “We came all this way for nothing…”

“I’M GIVING HER ANOTHER HOUR,” said Gung-Ho Guard, not taking his eyes off the door.

Meanwhile:

“Princess, what’s happening?” asked Twilight. “Why are there weird pink clouds in the sky?”

“And why are they suckin’ up mah apples?” asked Applejack.

“Shush, Applejack,” said Twilight, pressing a hoof to the other pony’s lips. “This is important.”

“So are mah apples!” yelled Applejack.

“…Not really…” muttered Rainbow Dash.

Applejack whirled around to glare at the pegasus. “You little-”

“Girls, I need you to shut the fuck up for a minute,” interrupted Celestia. “I need you all to follow me.” She stared walking down the hall, prompting the others to start following her. “The reason I called you all here is because I’m afraid one of my old foes has returned. His name is Discord.”

As they started passing stained glass windows, Fluttershy paused to examine one. The creature on the glass was a mish-mash of various species. It had the head of a goat, two differently shaped horns, a horse-like mane, a snake-like body, an eagle’s talon, a lion’s paw, two differently shaped wings, a horse’s leg, and a dragon’s leg and tail.

“Jesus, that looks freaky,” muttered Fluttershy.

The creature’s eye looked at her and winked.

Fluttershy’s eyes went wide and she ran back to the group. “Princess!” she yelled. “That thing on the window-”

“Yes, that’s what Discord looks like,” said Celestia. “He’s a spirit of chaos and disharmony.” She smirked and said, “He’s not much of a looker, huh?”

“But-” began Fluttershy.

“Anyway,” continued Celestia, “The last time I saw those pink clouds in the sky was on the day Luna and I defeated Discord.”

“How did you defeat him before?” asked Twilight.

“With the Elements of Harmony,” explained Celestia. “With their magic, we were able to turn Discord to stone. He’s been in the garden ever since.”

“You just turned him to stone?” questioned Rarity. “That’s a little extreme, isn’t it?”

“No,” said Celestia seriously, “No it is not. Discord ruled Equestria before Luna and I came along. He tortured ponies for amusement and would cause disasters just for shits and giggles.”

“How did he get free?” asked Twilight.

“Since Luna and I aren’t the bearers of the Elements of Harmony anymore, the spell keeping Discord petrified has been weakening,” explained Celestia. “If he isn’t free already, then it won’t be long until he is.”

“What should we do?” asked Twilight. “This guy sounds like a psychopath.”

“He is,” said Celestia grimly. She smiled and said, “Not to worry, though. I’ve been draining his powers for centuries. Discord won’t be as powerful as he once was and should be easy pickings once you get the Elements back. I’ve got them locked safely in a vault just down the hall. All we have to do is go get them.”

“You said you’ve been draining his powers?” asked Twilight. “How?”

Celestia turned and looked at Twilight. “Over the years, I’ve been transferring Discord’s power to various ponies. Ponies that could use his power for fun instead of sadism. Ponies that needed a little joy in their lives.”

“…Like who?” asked Twilight suspiciously.

Celestia turned and nodded to Pinkie. “You’re friends with one of them.”

Everyone turned to stare at Pinkie.

“…Surprise?” said Pinkie sheepishly.

“You?!” asked Twilight. She turned to Celestia. “Pinkie?! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think I had to,” said Celestia, “But with Discord running free, you need all the help you can get. I just hope it will be enough.”

“It won’t be,” said a voice from the side of the room.

Everyone looked at one of the stained glass windows. The image of Discord smirked at them. “Clever Celestia,” it said mockingly, “No wonder I feel so weak. You’ve been giving my powers to these…pretenders. They’ve been going about misusing the power of CHAOS.” The image sniffed and wiped its eye. “It’s enough to drive an old draconequus to tears.” The image stopped pretending to cry and gave Celestia a nasty grin. “I think it’s time to show this world who its real master is, don’t you?”

The image snapped its fingers and every single stained glass window in the hall shattered to pieces.

Someone cleared the throat from down the hall.

Everyone turned to see an individual with a sadistic smirk on his face. Behind him, the vault door swung on its hinges and in his hands were the Elements of Harmony.

“Hello, Princess Celestia,” said Discord, giving the stunned Alicorn a mocking bow. “It’s been a long time.”

An A-Mazing Trap

“Well…” said Discord, squinting at the blazing glow of Celestia’s horn. He conjured sunglasses onto his face and said, “You don’t look thrilled to see me.” He scratched his chin with his talon, the Elements of Generosity and Kindness hanging from his arm. “Can’t imagine why.”

“Discord.” Celestia growled, her horn pointed directly at Discord. “Put. The Elements. Back.”

“Hmm…” said Discord, pretending to think about it. He shrugged and said, “If you insist.” He snapped his fingers and the Elements disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Celestia glared at him, the light in her horn not dimming in the slightest. “Where did you put them?”

“Don’t you trust me?” asked Discord, sounding hurt.

“No,” replied Celestia immediately.

Discord smirked and said, “Good policy.” He sighed dramatically and said, “If you must know, I transported them somewhere close to home.”

“Where?” demanded Celestia.

Discord chuckled. “Where’s the fun in me telling you? You’re going to have to find them yourself.” He looked at the others and said, “Or, rather, send your little tools off to find them for you.”

“How did you escape your prison so quickly?” asked Celestia. “I kept painting special runes on your statue to slow you down. The Dicks of Sealing should have given us more time.”

“Your dicks couldn’t keep me hard forever, Celestia,” said Discord with a smirk.

“…I have the weirdest boner right now,” whispered Rainbow Dash.

Discord immediately snapped his head towards her direction. “Well…you must be Rainbow Dash, correct? I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“You…have?” asked Rainbow.

“Of course!” said Discord. “I mean, it’s not every day you meet a pony that can do a Sonic Rainboom. Why, with your talents, the Wonderbolts must be better than they’ve ever been!”

“I…uh…I’m actually not part of the Wonderbolts yet,” said Rainbow.

“Really?” asked Discord. “Hmm…can’t imagine why. Maybe something’s holding you back?”

“Like what?” asked Rainbow.

“Are you really going to have a conversation with the Princess’s enemy?” asked Rarity. “We need to-”

“Why, if it isn’t the lovely Rarity!” said Discord. “I hear you’re an up-and-coming fashion designer.”

Rarity turned her gaze away from Rainbow in order to flutter her eyelashes at Discord. “Go on,” she said.

Discord sighed dramatically and said, “Oh…if only you lived in Canterlot. Everyone who’s anyone would flock to your door in order to buy your wares.”

“Rarity?” asked Fluttershy. “Maybe you shouldn’t listen to-”

“FLUTTERSHY!” roared Discord in a demonic voice.

Fluttershy screamed and hid behind Rainbow Dash.

“Oh sorry,” said Discord in his regular voice, “I thought that was what you do, isn’t it? Alternate between normal and psychotic?”

“I-” began Fluttershy.

“No!” said Pinkie happily. “That’s me, silly!”

“Ah yes,” said Discord, frowning as he looked at Pinkie, “The Pretender. Are you enjoying using my powers?”

“Uh-huh!” said Pinkie with a big grin. “I have a blast using them!”

“So do I,” said Discord, snapping his fingers.

The floor beneath Pinkie started to glow red. A purple glow surrounded Pinkie and quickly pulled her to the side right before a pillar of flames shot up out of the ground.

“Damn,” muttered Discord as the fire died down, “I missed.”

Twilight glared at him as the glow in her horn faded. “I don’t know who or what you are, but-”

“Oh, but I know all about you, Twilight Sparkle,” said Discord, grinning at her. “Tell me, how do you feel about Celestia not telling you that your friend has some of my powers?”

“…She had her reasons,” said Twilight.

“Her reasons…” repeated Discord slowly. “Well, she always has reasons, doesn’t she? Always has some plan, some trick up her sleeve.” He looked over at Celestia and said, “Even if they take centuries to come into fruition.”

“What do you-?” began Twilight.

“Enough!” yelled Celestia. “Twilight, take your friends and find the Elements! I’ll stay here and hold off Discord.”

“A fight? You?” asked Discord, chuckling. “Don’t you usually send your little weapons off to do your dirty work?” He smirked at Celestia and said, “Have it your way. Send them off to find their precious Elements. Those five aren’t a threat to me.”

“Five?” repeated Applejack. “What about me?”

“Hmm?” hummed Discord, looking at her. “Ah! Applejack! I nearly forgot about you!” He chuckled and said, “My apologies, I suppose I was just caught up in talking to the important ponies.”

“What?!” hollered Applejack. “Ah am important, you-”

“Applejack, we don’t have time for this!” said Twilight, turning around. “We need to go find the Elements!” She pushed Applejack out of the hall, the other girls running after her.

Discord looked at Celestia and smirked. “Still pretending to be a good guy, I see.”

“Shut up,” growled Celestia. Her horn glowed and she pointed it at Discord. “I won’t let you get away!”

“Boy,” said Discord, raising his eyebrow at Celestia, “You sure seem desperate to fight me. Funny…” He gave her a vicious grin and said, “You’d think you’d be a bit more concerned with helping Luna.”

“W-what?!” asked Celestia. “What did you-”

“You blinked!” said Discord cheerfully. He snapped his fingers and disappeared, leaving Celestia alone in the hall.

“Dammit!” growled Celestia. She quickly spread her wings and flew out one of the shattered windows. She flew up to the top of the castle. She quickly landed on the balcony of one of the tallest towers. “Luna!” she yelled as she ran to the glass doors, which were shut. The curtains on the inside of the room were drawn, hiding the inside from view. “Are you in there?”

There was no response.

Celestia growled and pointed her horn at the doors. A golden beam of light shot out and struck the doors, knocking them off their hinges and into the room. Celestia quickly ran in and shouted, “Luna!”

“Celestia?!” said Luna, who was standing in front of her bed. “How were you able to get in? I’ve been trying to get out of here for hours!”

“Thank god,” said Celestia, running over and hugging the other Alicorn. “Discord said you were…wait…” She paused and pulled away from Luna. “What do you mean, you’ve been trying to get out of here?”

The ruined glass doors were suddenly moved back into place by an unseen force. Celestia and Luna heard an audible click as the lock shut on them.

“Sorry ladies,” said Discord’s smug voice, “But I’m going to have to put you both on house arrest for the time being. You’re simply much too dangerous to be around other ponies.”

Celestia growled and pointed her horn at the glass balcony doors. A bright golden light glowed from her horn…and then fizzled and died.

“Did I forget to mention that I put a spell on Luna’s room before I visited you, Celestia?” asked Discord’s voice. “My mistake. Let me fill you in on the nitty-gritty, shall I? I just made it so unicorn magic doesn’t work for whoever is in the room. It’s just a little spell I picked up from…from…” There was a pause. “Ah…damn. You know when something’s just on the tip of your tongue and you can’t remember it? I hate that feeling.”

“Discord!” yelled Luna. “Let us out of here immediately!”

“Hmmm…” said Discord’s voice. “I don’t think so. I’m much too busy, you see. I have six ponies that I’m just dying to talk to, after all.” He chuckled and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll be along shortly to let you out. I think I can pencil you in around…a thousand years from now. Give or take.”

“Discord…” growled Celestia.

“Don’t look so upset, Celestia,” said Discord’s voice, “I’m sure Luna can teach you what it’s like to be stuck in one place for a thousand years. At least I gave you a furnished bedroom to live in and not some barren, lifeless moon.”

“He’s got a point,” said Luna.

“Luna!” hissed Celestia.

“Not that I’m blaming you or anything!” said Luna quickly.

They heard Discord laugh. “You two kids have fun!” he called. “I know I will…”

Luna sighed and hopped up onto her bed. “Now what?” she muttered.

“We keep trying to get out,” said Celestia. She sighed and said, “I only hope Twilight and the others find the Elements before Discord catches up to them.”

Meanwhile:

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE ELEMENTS ARE?!” yelled Twilight. “YOU SHOULD KNOW EVERYTHING!”

“My powers don’t work like that,” said Pinkie as the group stood outside of the castle. “The only reason I usually know what’s going to happen is because I have my script.”

“But what about all those weird things that happen around you?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie shrugged and said, “I can only do those types of things when I think it’s funny. Otherwise, I’m just a regular pony.”

“Ok,” said Twilight. “Then let’s take a look at your script. That should tell us where the Elements are, right?”

“I never got a script for this season,” replied Pinkie. “The script I do have is for the first season. The only thing I could tell you is stuff that already happened.”

“Great…” sighed Twilight. “Now how are we going to find the Elements. All Discord said was that they were ‘close to home’.”

“Well that sucks,” said Rainbow. “Hasn’t he been a statue for over a thousand years? Who knows if his home even exists anymore.”

“Statue…” muttered Twilight. Her eyes widened. “Statue! He must mean the Elements are in the Princess’s statue garden!”

“Are you sure, darling?” asked Rarity.

“Where else could they be?” replied Twilight. “We’re already close to the garden anyway. It couldn’t hurt to check it out.”

“Hold on now,” said Applejack. “What if by ‘close to home’, Discord meant our homes? What if the Elements are back in Ponyville?”

Fluttershy frowned. “I…don’t think so…”

“Why would he put them in Ponyville?” asked Rainbow Dash. “It’s not like he wants us to find them.”

“Sorry Applejack,” said Twilight, “But I really doubt Discord would make it that easy for us. Let’s go check out the garden.”

“B-But…” began Applejack. She watched as everyone began walking away. “Goddammit…” she muttered to herself.

A few minutes later:

Twilight frowned at the pedestal that used to hold Discord’s statue. “There’s nothing here…” she muttered.

Rainbow Dash frowned as she noticed Rarity and Applejack looking around the garden. “What’s with you two?” she asked.

“…Sweetie’s class is supposed to be here…” muttered Rarity.

“They were takin’ a field trip to these gardens today,” said Applejack. “Ah hope they didn’t run into Discord.”

“Oh, don’t worry about them,” said a voice.

Everyone turned to see Discord casually leaning against the entrance to a hedge maze. He lazily waved at them and said, “I did happen to run into a class of young foals today, but…”

“What did you do with Sweetie Belle, you ruffian?” asked Rarity.

“And Apple Bloom!” yelled Applejack.

Everyone turned to look at Rainbow Dash, who stared back at them in confusion. “…What?”

“You’re supposed to be concerned about Scootaloo,” said Fluttershy.

“Who?” asked Rainbow.

Fluttershy sighed and pressed a hoof to her forehead. “The one that wanted to listen to you about getting your Cutie Mark.”

“She has a name?!” asked Rainbow.

“Relax ladies,” said Discord. “I didn’t do anything to those kids. In fact, I even gave one a present.”

“What type of present?” asked Twilight.

Discord smirked.

Hours ago:

Discord smirked down at Snails and said, “Well…you’re part of Snailovitch’s brood, aren’t you?”

“Who is that?” asked Snails. “It sounds made up. Maybe you should ask Miss Cheerilee?”

Discord looked over to where Cheerilee was herding the rest of the class away from him. “She seems busy,” he said to Snails. He chuckled and said, “Would you like a little gift from me? It belonged to your ancestor.”

“Is it a cell phone?” asked Snails. “Mom and Dad said I can’t have one.”

“It’s better than a cell phone,” said Discord, snapping his fingers. An amulet made of black metal appeared in his grasp. A red jewel had been placed in the center of the amulet, glowing sinisterly.

“…Looks neat!” said Snails happily.

“It sure does,” said Discord. He held it out to Snails and said, “Put it on.”

The second Snails touched the amulet, it shot forward and pressed itself to his throat. A metal band expanded from it, wrapping around the colt’s neck. Snails’s head jerked and he shut his eyes as red sparks shot out of the jewel. When he opened his eyes again, they had changed to a blood red color.

“How do you feel?” asked Discord, smiling viciously.

Snails blinked and his eyes went back to their normal black color. “Hungry,” he said happily. He blinked again, his eyes going red. “For conquest!” he growled. He laughed evilly and said, “I’m going to take over Canterlot!” His eyes went back to black. “And then I might get some lunch, because I really am hungry.”

“Have fun with that!” said Discord. He turned and started walking away. “Now-”

An axe flew by his head and struck the ground in front of him, blade first.

Discord slowly turned around to see Sweetie Belle glaring at him. “If anyone’s going to take over Equestria,” she growled, holding a mace in her hooves, “It’s going to be me!”

Snails growled, his eyes going red again. “Over my dead body,” he snarled. His horn glowed with an evil red light.

Sweetie glared at him and said, “That’s the idea.” With a shriek, she charged at Snails with her mace raised high.

Now:

“Huh…” said Rarity. She paused for a second. “I suppose that explains the distant explosions we keep hearing.”

“Probably a safe bet,” said Discord. “Your sister has anger issues, by the way.”

“How dare you!” said Rarity, glaring at him. “My darling little Sweetie Belle is an angel!”

Suddenly, they all heard Sweetie’s voice yell, “DIE DIE DIE DIE!”

“Just listen to her melodic little voice,” said Rarity.

“…Right,” said Discord slowly. He shook his head and smirked at everyone. “Well, it seems you all got here quicker than I anticipated.”

“Where are the Elements, Discord?” asked Twilight.

“Hmmm…where could they be?” replied Discord. As he pretended to think, he moved away from the entrance to the maze. “I can’t seem to recall…”

“You put them in the maze?!” questioned Twilight.

Discord smiled and said, “Maybe…why don’t you look and find out?”

Rainbow Dash smirked and flapped her wings. “No problem, I can just fly over and-”

Discord snapped his fingers. Rainbow and Fluttershy’s wings, as well as Twilight and Rarity’s horns, disappeared in puffs of smoke.

“Oh my god,” said Rarity in horror, “We’re earth ponies now!”

“No!” yelled Twilight. “Anything but that!”

“How could this happen to me?!” screamed Rainbow.

“The horror!” sobbed Fluttershy.

Pinkie and Applejack rolled their eyes at the other four’s dramatics. “It ain’t that bad,” said Applejack.

“Now we’re going to have to work on a farm or something!” cried Rarity.

Rainbow Dash shuddered. “Don’t even joke about something like that!”

Applejack frowned at the two of them. “Ya know what?” she asked. “Ah ain’t gonna try to convince ya. Be miserable for all Ah care.”

“Don’t mind if I do!” said Rarity, getting into the fetal position and rocking back and forth.

“Oh calm down,” said Discord. “You’ll get your wings and horns back eventually. I just took things away from all of you in order to make sure you wouldn’t get through the maze as easily.”

“All of us?” asked Pinkie. “But you only took things away from those four.”

“How observant of you, my little thief!” said Discord. “But you’re mistaken. I’ve taken something of yours as well.”

“What did you take?” asked Pinkie, confused.

Discord snapped his fingers and a black binder appeared in his hands. The words MLP: FML 2 were written on the front of the binder. “This really is a fascinating read, you know,” said Discord, smirking at the look of horror on Pinkie’s face.

“B-but…” began Pinkie, looking stunned. “That’s my script! Give it back!”

“Hmm…I don’t think so,” said Discord. He chuckled and said, “You stole some of my powers, so it’s only fair if I steal something of yours.” He opened the binder and thumbed through the pages. “Don’t worry. I’ll give it back soon enough and you can go back to creepily observing everything about your friends without their knowledge or permission.”

“I don’t do that!” hollered Pinkie.

“You don’t?” asked Twilight, genuinely surprised.

“…Well…” began Pinkie. “It’s only when I’m bored and need a laugh.” She blinked as everyone frowned at her. “…What?”

Applejack shook her head and turned back to Discord. “So what did ya take from me?” she asked.

“You?” asked Discord. “You?” He started laughing uproariously. “Why would I take something from you?” he asked, wiping tears out of his eyes. “You don’t have anything for me to take…aside from apples, that is. Why don’t you just leave things to the important ponies, alright Applejack?”

“What?!” demanded Applejack as her face grew red. “Ah am important you son of a-”

“Applejack, we don’t have time for this!” said Twilight. She turned to Discord and said, “We’ll make it through the maze and find the Elements. Then we’ll come back to stop you.”

Discord grinned sadistically and said, “I’m looking forward to it.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Twilight turned back to the others and said, “Don’t let him get under your skin, girls. He’s trying to make us angry.”

“He’s succeedin’ at it too,” said Applejack, glaring at the spot where Discord used to be.

“As long as we stick together, we’ll be ok,” said Twilight. “We’ll make it through the maze and find the Elements. We will stop Discord.” She looked at the entrance to the maze and asked, “Is everyone ready?”

“Ready!” said Rainbow Dash.

“As I’ll ever be,” said Rarity.

“Ready to get my script back!” said Pinkie.

“Ready…to run if things go south,” said Fluttershy.

“Ah’m-” began Applejack.

“Alright,” said Twilight, cutting Applejack off. “Let’s go!” She walked off towards the maze, the other girls following her.

“But…Ah…” sputtered Applejack as she was left behind. She sighed and muttered, “Goddammit…” She walked after the others as they stepped into the maze.

The second the girls’ hooves touched the ground, walls shot up out of the ground and hid them all from view.

“Girls!” yelled Applejack, running to the entrance to the maze. She reached one of the hedge walls and tried pushing her way through. “Are you all alright? Can any of you hear me?!”

There was no response from the girls. Applejack sighed and looked to the side of the entrance, where one of the walls was open and waiting for her to enter.

“Alright asshole,” she muttered as she walked towards it, “Ah guess we gotta play by your rules, huh?” She took a look down the row, gulped, and walked inside. A wall shot up behind her, blocking the exit and trapping her in the maze. Applejack sighed as she looked back at the blocked exit. “No way back now…” she muttered. With no other options, Applejack turned and started walking deeper into the maze.

Villainous Victory

Applejack walked through the maze, looking around cautiously. “Alright…” she muttered to herself, “Just gotta find the others and get the Elements back.” She turned the corner and sighed as she saw another empty row. “Where the hell are they?” she muttered.

As Applejack walked down the path, she spotted something red from the corner of her eye. She paused and turned her head. As she gazed down another path, her gaze locked on to something familiar.

“Apples?” she muttered, walking forward.

In the center of the path were three of the shiniest apples Applejack had ever seen. As she walked up to them, they rolled down the path, as if tugged by an unseen force.

“What the hell?” muttered Applejack, watching the apples roll away. She chased after the escaping fruit, following them down the path. After a few minutes, Applejack came to the end of the path and froze.

“What?” she asked.

A large grove was in front of her. As Applejack stepped forward, she looked around at the dozens of apple trees surrounding her.

“Where am Ah?” she asked herself.

“Why…you’re in an apple orchard, of course,” said a voice.

Applejack jumped and turned her head, spotting Discord leaning against one of the trees. “Discord?!” she yelled. “Where are we?! What did you do to the others?”

“I just told you that we’re in an apple orchard,” said Discord. He idly reached up and plucked an apple off the tree. He bit into it with a loud crunch. He chewed for a few moments before swallowing. “Delicious,” he said. He looked back at Applejack and said, “You really should try one of these, you know. They’re to die for.”

“You can take that apple and shove it up yer-” snarled Applejack.

“So rude,” said Discord, cutting her off. “I really expect better from you, Applejack. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners? Ooh…sorry about that. Didn’t Granny Smith teach you any manners?”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed as she glared at Discord.

Discord rolled his eyes and said, “So serious…do calm down, Applejack. I haven’t done anything to your friends. They’re still in the maze.”

“Uh-huh,” said Applejack disbelievingly. “And why am Ah here?”

Discord shrugged. “I figured you could use a break. Kick back, relax, let the important ponies handle things…”

“Would ya shut up about me not bein’ important?!” yelled Applejack. “Why do you keep sayin’ Ah’m not?!”

Discord shrugged and said, “Can you blame me? It’s not like you do anything exciting.”

“Ah went to the Grand Galloping Gala in order to sell mah apples,” said Applejack. “Ah rode to Appaloosa to give mah cousin an apple tree. Ah competed with Rainbow Dash at the beginning of fall. And Ah helped stop Nightmare Moon for fuck’s sake! Ah am important!”

Discord slowly applauded her. “All valid points, Applejack. Any one of those events would make anybody important…if they came up with them on their own.”

“What do ya mean?” asked Applejack, as she looked curiously at Discord.

“Oh, nothing much,” said Discord dismissively. “I just want you to answer me one question. How many of those events were something you were able to do on your own?”

“Easy!” said Applejack. “Ah went to the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“Didn’t you only get to go because Twilight had tickets for you?” asked Discord. “If she hadn’t give you one, you wouldn’t have gone.”

“That…might be true…” said Applejack slowly. She shook her head and said, “But what about Appaloosa? Ah made the choice to go see Braeburn.”

“Only after he sent you a letter asking for help,” said Discord. “You wouldn’t have had any reason to go otherwise.”

“Alright,” said Applejack, looking frustrated, “Then Rainbow Dash-”

“Was the one to approach you in order to get you in that competition,” interrupted Discord. “And, just to save time, you only fought Nightmare Moon because Twilight went after her.”

“Ah…suppose…” admitted Applejack.

“Let me ask you one more question,” said Discord. “If Twilight Sparkle had never arrived in Ponyville, what do you think you would be doing right now?”

“Ah…Ah don’t know,” said Applejack. “Ah guess Ah’d be out harvesting-”

“Apples.” Discord finished. “Apples. Apples. Apples.” He snapped his fingers and the trees around them withered. The apples on the branches turned rotten and dropped to the ground with a wet splat. The leaves dried and fell to the ground, leaving the branches bare. “Applejack, my dear,” said Discord as the trees died around them, “Do you know why I keep saying that you’re not important? It’s because you are boring.”

“Boring?” repeated Applejack. “How am Ah-”

“I think it would be best to get another opinion on this,” said Discord, smirking. He snapped his fingers.

“Ah tune you out a lot,” came Apple Bloom’s voice, echoing in the orchard. “Everything you say just comes back to apples after a while.”

“Alright,” said Applejack, “What was that supposed to prove?”

“My point,” said Discord simply. He leaned in and smirked at Applejack. “Everything about you comes back to apples eventually.” He chuckled and said, “You might have an odd adventure or two, but, at the end of the day, you go back to your farm and harvest apples.”

“No kiddin’,” said Applejack sarcastically. “God, it’s almost like mah family runs an orchard or somethin’.

“True,” nodded Discord, “But your family is more interesting than you. Granny Smith is full of life experiences, your little sister tries a variety of things in order to get her Cutie Mark…hell, even your brother is more interesting and all he has is his little crossdressing habit.”

“How Big Mac dresses is his own business,” said Applejack. “Ah won’t have you makin’ fun of him because he’s more comfortable in clothes for mares.”

“I think you’re missing what I’m saying,” said Discord. “You’re boring. You’re dull. Even your own sister admits it.” Discord smirked at her again and said, “And if your own flesh-and-blood thinks you’re boring, what do you think your friends think?”

“What do you mean?” asked Applejack.

Discord sighed and spoke slowly, as if he was explaining something obvious to a child, “You’re friends are Princess Celestia’s student, a hopeful for the Wonderbolts, a pony with some of my powers, an up-and-coming fashion designer, and a mare who deals with wild animals all day. And then there’s you: a farmer.”

“W-well…they don’t mind that…uh…” faltered Applejack.

“That you’re not as exciting as them?” supplied Discord. “They may be fine with it now, but do you honestly think that will last? Eventually they’ll get bored with you and find someone else to be friends with.”

“No…you’re wrong!” denied Applejack. “They wouldn’t!”

Discord chuckled and asked, “Who are you trying to convince? Me…or yourself?” He looked at the sky and said, “Well…I’ve got to head out. I’ve got a long day of conquering Equestria to get through.” He looked back at Applejack and said, “Can I get you anything before I leave? Oh! I know…” He snapped his fingers and an apple appeared in his hand. He set it on the ground in front of Applejack and smirked. “Enjoy!” he said. He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Applejack walked forwards until she was right in front of the apple. “They wouldn’t just abandon me for someone else…” she muttered as she stared at the red fruit. “…Would they?” She took a deep breath and said, “No. Ah won’t let that happen. No matter what.” She raised a hoof and stomped on the apple, crushing it.

Meanwhile:

Pinkie Pie bounced down the path, headphones on as she listened to music.

“Go back to sleep,
Go back to sleep,
Counting bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums…” blared the music.

“Wow…” muttered Pinkie as she took off the headphones. “Fluttershy’s music is weird.” She pulled a CD player out of her mane and wrapped the headphones around it. Stuffing it back in her mane, she laughed and said, “And who even listens to CDs anymore? What is she, 50?”

Meanwhile:

Fluttershy stopped walking and looked around, narrowing her eyes. “Why do I feel so angry all of a sudden?” she asked herself.

Back with Pinkie:

Pinkie turned the corner and entered a large, open area. As she walked in, hedges shot up from the ground and blocked the exit. Pinkie spun around at the noise and examined the blocked path. “Well…that’s ominous,” she muttered to herself. She turned back around again and froze as she took in the scene in front of her.

In the middle of the clearing, Discord was lounging comfortably on a large armchair and reading a newspaper. In his mouth was a pipe, from which purple smoke was rising.

“Discord?” asked Pinkie, coming closer.

Discord looked up from the paper and smiled, “Ah! Pretender! Just the pony I wanted to see.” He stood up and snapped his fingers, causing the chair, newspaper, and pipe to disappear. “I had a question I wanted to ask you.”

“A question?” asked Pinkie.

“Yes,” said Discord, “Something I’ve been dying to ask. Something deep. Something personal…”

“…Oh!” said Pinkie suddenly. She looked at Discord for a moment and asked, “You really wanted to ask that?”

“Yes,” said Discord. “Please tell me.”

“Ok…” said Pinkie. She blushed and said, “This is all happening so fast…I mean, we barely even know each other…”

“…Huh?” asked Discord.

“I guess we can make things work out…but what will my friends say?” continued Pinkie.

“Wait…” began Discord.

“I’m sure once they see how happy we are together they’ll-” continued Pinkie.

“Do you think I’m flirting with you?!” asked Discord.

Pinkie blinked at him. “…You’re not?”

“No!” said Discord.

“…Well, why not?” huffed Pinkie. “Am I not good enough for you?!”

Discord opened his mouth. Then he shut it. Then he opened it again and said, “Let’s just move on, shall we? I wanted to ask you how you got my powers.”

“Oh! Is that all?” asked Pinkie. “It all began when I got my Cutie Mark…”

Years ago:

A rainbow-colored explosion burst in the sky, sending waves of color blowing past the rock farm. A huge gust of wind blew blowing Pinkamena Pie’s mane back.

“I take it back!” yelled Pinkamena, throwing herself to the ground as the wind roared. “I want things bleak and dull again!”

As if on cue, the wind stopped. Pinkamena, her once-straight mane now poofy and curly, looked up and saw a rainbow in the sky. “Wow…” she muttered, taking in the colors. As a big smile grew on her face, bright light shined from her flanks. The light faded and the image of three balloons appeared on her flanks. Pinkamena, distracted by the rainbow, failed to notice this.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light from behind her. Pinkamena spun around and froze. Her eyes widened as she saw Princess Celestia standing in the middle of the field.

Celestia looked around at the scenery and blinked. “…Jesus, did I just go colorblind? Everything’s grey…”

“That’s how it normally looks, your Majesty,” said Pinkamena, bowing.

Celestia looked down at the filly and smiled. “Hello there! What’s your name?”

“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” said Pinkamena.

Celestia blinked. “…That’s way too many syllables. Can I call you Pinkie for short?”

“Pinkie?” repeated Pinkamena, trying out the name. “Pinkie...Pinkie!” She smiled and said, “I love it!”

“And I love your mane!” said Celestia, poking at the newly-christened Pinkie’s hair. “It looks like cotton candy mixed with bubblegum.”

“I don’t know what either of those two things are, so I’ll take your word for it,” said Pinkie.

Celestia looked around and asked, “So where are we anyway? It looks like some bleak, desolate wasteland.”

“It’s my parents’ rock farm,” explained Pinkie. “So…pretty much.”

“They grow…rocks?” asked Celestia. “How the hell do you even do that?”

Hours passed as Pinkie told Celestia about the process of growing and harvesting rocks. She repeated what her father had told her and even parroted the descriptions of rocks her sister had described to her.

After three hours, Celestia raised a hoof and pressed it against Pinkie’s lips, silencing her. “Ok…I think I’ve got it, Pinkie.” She removed her hoof and asked, “Look, can you tell me something? Do you honestly like living here?”

“…Well,” began Pinkie, “I love my parents and my sisters. But this place…” she gestured around the barren landscape, “…It’s just so…boring.”

Celestia nodded, “I can see that. This place could use a party or two…or twenty.”

“Par…ty?” repeated Pinkie. “What is that?”

Celestia looked aghast. “You don’t know what a party is? How do you celebrate your birthday?”

“Oh, we have birthday studies,” explained Pinkie. “Usually about whatever rock our parents give to us. My parents really like rocks.”

Celestia looked stunned. Shaking her head, she leaned in close to Pinkie and whispered, “Can you keep a secret?”

“A secret?” asked Pinkie. “What is it?”

“You have to promise not to tell anyone about it,” said Celestia. “You know how important a promise is, right?”

“Uh-huh,” nodded Pinkie. “Limestone always tells me that losing a friend’s trust is the fastest way to lose a friend-”

“FOREVER!” screamed a voice from inside the Pie Family home.

Celestia turned towards the house and then back to Pinkie, a bemused expression on her face. “O…k…” she said slowly. She leaned in close and said, “I’m here on a mission.”

“What type of mission?” asked Pinkie.

“I cast a spell to take me to the saddest pony in all of Equestria,” said Celestia. She smiled and said, “And it led me right to you!”

Pinkie blinked. “…Hooray?” she said uncertainly.

Celestia’s horn glowed. There was a flash of light and a small glass orb appeared, floating in-between the two ponies. Red smoke swirled in the orb, moving almost hypnotically.

“Pinkamena,” said Celestia seriously. “This is chaos magic. It was drained from one of the most dangerous creatures in Equestria. It is unpredictable and unsafe…and I want to give it to you.”

“Me?” asked Pinkie. “Why?”

“Because you need it,” said Celestia. “I’m offering you a choice. You can refuse to take the magic and I’ll leave. You can stay here and live a normal life. Or you can take the magic and use for good. Use the magic to bring joy to yourself and others.” She looked down at Pinkie and said, “The choice is yours.”

Pinkie looked at the red clouds inside the orb. “Is…is it safe?” she asked, looking back up at Celestia.

Celestia paused for a second. “…No. No it is not. Chaos magic is…tricky. It could overwhelm you if you’re not meant to have it.”

“But you think I am meant to have it?” asked Pinkie.

“I hope so,” said Celestia, “But there’s no guarantee.” She paused and continued, “If you don’t want to do this, it’s fine. I can find someone a bit older…someone who-”

“I’ll do it,” said Pinkie.

Celestia blinked. “Are…are you sure? If something goes wrong-”

“I know,” said Pinkie. She smiled at Celestia and said, “This day has been the first in a long time that I’ve actually felt happy. If there’s a chance that I can share that happiness with others, then I want to take it.” She paused and said, “But…if something does go wrong…can you tell my family I love them?”

“…Alright,” said Celestia. She moved the orb closer to Pinkie.

“And tell Limestone I’ve been touching Holder’s Boulder every single day just to annoy her,” continued Pinkie. “Tell her I said ‘sorry’.” She reached out and touched the orb with her hoof.

The orb shattered the second Pinkie touched it. Before the pieces of glass even hit the ground, the red smoke shot towards Pinkie and seemed to seep into her body. Pinkie jerked as though she had been shocked and collapsed.

“Pinkamena!” said Celestia. She rushed to the fallen filly’s side and knelt down to examine her body. “Are you-”

“Oh…my…GOD!” shouted Pinkie, shooting back up. Her mane seemed to poof up even more as she excitedly bounced in place. “That was crazy! I touched the glass and then it was like ‘pssh’ and the smoke was like ‘whoosh’ and I was like ‘AHHHHHH’!”

“Um…Pinkie?” asked Celestia, staring at the filly. “Are you…okay?”

“Am I okay?!” asked Pinkie. “I’m better than okay! I feel great! I’ve never felt better!”

“Pinkie…” began Celestia.

“What do ponies usually do when they feel this happy?!” asked Pinkie excitedly. “Oh! Maybe we could have one of those ‘par-tees’ you were talking about? What do ponies have at those? I bet they have presents and dessert and games to play and-”

“PINKIE!” yelled Celestia, making the filly jump.

Pinkie turned to look at Celestia. A party hat was on the princess’s head and balloons were tied to her horn. Around her, as if they appeared by magic, were three tables laden with presents, desserts, party games, and sweets.

“Whoa!” said Pinkie, looking around. “Where did all of this come from?”

“From you,” said Celestia, using her magic to remove the balloons from her horn. As she tied them to the tables, she said, “The chaos magic inside of you reacted to your desires and made them a reality.” She gestured to the tables around them. “You wanted a party, so you got it.”

“Wow!” said Pinkie. “So, I can get anything I want? Whenever I want?”

“So long as it’s harmless or funny,” said Celestia. She pulled off her party hat and put it on one of the tables. “Chaos magic is a tricky thing. It works when you’re happy but it will fail you if you’re depressed or try to use it to harm anyone else.”

“How do you know?” asked Pinkie.

“You’re not the first one I’ve given this power to,” said Celestia. “There’s been a few ponies that have had this magic. A lot of them couldn’t handle it or tried to use it for their own selfish gain.”

“What happened to them?” asked Pinkie.

“I took the magic away from them,” said Celestia simply. She turned and looked Pinkie in the eye. “This magic is a special gift that I’m entrusting to you. If I think that you’re abusing it, I’m going to take it back.”

“Oh…” said Pinkie. She looked around at the tables and winced. “I…I guess I screwed up already, huh?”

Celestia raised her eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I wanted a party, so the magic gave me a party,” said Pinkie. “That’s selfish, right? Are…are you going to take it back?”

Celestia laughed and said, “Pinkie, I don’t think you understand what I meant. The ponies that I had to take the magic back from were trying to do things like take over Equestria. I’m not worried about you throwing parties with your magic.”

“You’re not?” asked Pinkie happily.

“Nope,” said Celestia. “I told you I wanted you to bring joy to yourself and others with this magic, right? I think a good way to start would be to use all this stuff to throw a party for you and your family. Can you do that?”

“You got it, Princess!” said Pinkie. “I won’t let you down. That’s a Pinkie Promise!”

“Good,” said Celestia. She smiled at Pinkie and said, “Go have fun with your family.” She looked around the farm and grimaced. “God knows this place could use a little excitement…”

“Aren’t you going to stay?” asked Pinkie.

Princess Celestia smiled as she shook her head. “I have to go back to Canterlot to meet my new student. Don’t worry, though. I’m sure you’ll throw a party for me one day.”

Pinkie smiled and said, “Count on it!” She rushed forward and nuzzled against the Princess’s legs. “Thanks for everything, Princess.”

Celestia smiled and gently patted Pinkie’s head. Her horn glowed as she backed away from the filly. There was a bright flash of light and, when it cleared, Celestia was gone.

Pinkie blinked the spots out of her eyes and looked back at the tables. “Ok…” she muttered to herself. “I better move all of this into the house to surprise everyone.” She moved towards the tables, but stopped. “I want to make everyone happy, but…what if I mess up? What if I can’t do what Princess Celestia wanted me to do?” She sighed and said, “I wish there was some way to know what I was supposed to do…”

There was a puff of smoke and a black binder fell to the ground in front of Pinkie.

“What is this?” she asked, picking the binder up. She looked at the cover and read, “MLP: FML – Season 1. A Fanfic by Maniac92.” She paused and reread the title. “…What the hell is a ‘fanfic’?”

In order to get answers, Pinkie opened the binder and began reading.

Now:

“And that is how I got my powers!” said Pinkie. She blinked and said sheepishly, “Well…I guess they’re your powers, but…”

“Fascinating,” said Discord, sounding bored. “It’s too bad Celestia entrusted them to a failure.”

“What?” asked Pinkie, opening her eyes. Discord was in front of her, idly flipping through the pages of her new script. “Hey!” shouted Pinkie. “Give that back!”

“All in good time, my dear,” said Discord, snapping his fingers. The script disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving Discord’s hands empty. “I wanted to finish our little conversation first.”

“B-but…” began Pinkie. She sighed and said, “Fine. We can finish our…” She paused. “…Hey! Who are you calling a failure?!”

“Why…you, of course,” said Discord. “Tell me something, my dear. If you had a script detailing you and your friends’ little adventures, why did Nightmare Moon still return?”

“Oh…well…” said Pinkie. “We needed to get Princess Luna back and-”

“Uh-huh,” interrupted Discord. “And why did you ostracize Zecora with the others? You could have informed them that she was harmless.”

“I…uh…” began Pinkie.

“Why did you allow Rarity to make a fool of herself in front of Hoity Toity?” asked Discord.

“She-”

“Why did you allow Twilight Sparkle to injure herself when she was observing you?”

“I didn’t-”

“Why didn’t you stop Rarity from upstaging Rainbow Dash? Why haven’t you helped the Cutie Mark Crusaders in their endeavors? Why did you let Rarity get kidnapped by Diamond Dogs? Why did you let the buffalo and the settler ponies go to war with each other, or why didn’t you tell Fluttershy that Philomena was a phoenix, or why didn’t you tell Spike he wasn’t getting replaced?” continued Discord.

“Listen,” said Pinkie, “I can’t just-”

“Use your powers to help your friends?” supplied Discord. “How does that bring them joy?”

“Is there a point to this?!” asked Pinkie.

“I’m glad you asked!” said Discord, grinning. “You see, for all your bluster about your powers and doing what the Princess wanted you to do, deep down you know the truth. We both do.”

“What truth?” asked Pinkie. “What are you talking-”

“The truth is that we are performers,” said Discord. “Performers acting out a script written by a madman. Everything we do, everything we say, even this very conversation is happening because he wants it to happen.” Discord chuckled and said, “You all think I’m the bad guy here. Do you even know what he has in store for you? It’s not pretty. At all.”

Pinkie opened her mouth, but Discord quickly shushed her. “I know what you’re going to say,” said Discord. “You’re going to repeat yourself and ask me what my point is. And don’t bother denying it, because I read it in your script.” He smirked and said, “My point, my little pony, is this…”

Discord shot forward and grabbed Pinkie’s jaw, forcing her to look him in the eye.

“Everything about you is meaningless,” hissed Discord. “It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what you do. Your destiny has already been written for you. You’re getting led through your life with no control of where you end up. That’s why you can’t deviate from your script. That’s why you can’t help your friends when they need you. It’s because you know, deep in your heart, that you aren’t the real Pinkie Pie. You’re a facsimile, a parody designed to entertain. To spit out references and jokes in the hope that you’ll make people laugh. Well, I’m laughing. I’m laughing at you. You’re pathetic. You’re useless. Without your script, you can’t do anything at all.”

“You’re wrong,” said Pinkie, wincing as Discord’s grip tightened. “Me and my friends will stop you.”

“You might,” said Discord, letting Pinkie go, “But what good will it do you? Do you think your friends will understand that you met them only because your script told you to do so? What kind of friendship is that? They’ll leave you in the end, you know. Once they find out how useless you actually are, they’ll leave you.”

“Y-you’re wrong…” repeated Pinkie hesitantly. She gulped, her throat feeling very dry. “T-they wouldn’t-”

“And if you’re wrong?” asked Discord. “If your script says that you’ll all drift apart? What can you do to change it?”

“I…” said Pinkie. Her eyes burned and she blinked, feeling tears run down her face. “I don’t know…”

Discord smirked at Pinkie and said, “Well, I suppose I’ll be doing you a favor by holding onto your script then? You can try your hardest to keep your friends together and prove me wrong. Just don’t be too disappointed with the outcome, alright?” He snapped his fingers, disappearing with a puff of smoke.

Pinkie took a deep breath. “I’ll hold us all together…” she sniffed, “No matter what…”

Meanwhile:

Rarity panted as she trudged through the maze. “God, this is miserable…” she muttered. “Why can’t we ever defeat a creature in a five-star resort or solve some friendship problem by getting a massage?” She wiped sweat off her brow and waved her hoof in front of her face, trying to get air. “Hell, I’d kill to be at an outdoor café right now…”

She turned the corner and walked right into a lovely looking garden. Tables were set up all around the garden and very well-dressed ponies were sitting and chatting to each other. Waiters moved from table to table, refilling drinks and offering plates of gourmet food.

“...I don’t know why this is here…” said Rarity. A waiter came by and offered her a glass of champagne, which she carefully grabbed with her hoof. She looked at it and shrugged. “I’m not going to question it,” she finished. She took a sip from the glass, enjoying the cool, bubbly liquid. Once the glass was empty, she handed it back to the waiter.

“Pardon me, Madame,” said another waiter, bowing to her. “Are you Miss Rarity? The gentleman in the white suit has been expecting you.”

Rarity followed the waiter’s gaze and saw Discord giving her a toast from a table in the corner of the garden. He took a sip from his glass, taking care to avoid spilling a drop of the red liquid on his pristine white suit.

Rarity followed the waiter over to the table and Discord stood up from his seat. He walked to the opposite side of the table and pulled out Rarity’s chair. When she sat down, he pushed the chair back into place and walked back to his own seat. As he sat down, another waiter came by and set two bowls of salad down on the table.

Rarity started at the salad in front of her before looking up at Discord. “What is this?” she asked suspiciously.

“This,” said Discord, using a fork to spear some lettuce, “Is a light lunch, my dear. Running around all day has left me feeling rather puckish.”

Rarity blinked. “…Don’t you mean peckish?”

“That too,” said Discord, taking a bite of the lettuce.

“And that’s not what I meant,” said Rarity. She gestured around them. “What is all this?”

Discord swallowed and patted his mouth with his napkin. “I thought that a sophisticated mare like yourself would enjoy a change in scenery,” he said. He gestured down to his suit and said, “What do you think?”

“I don’t think white is your color,” said Rarity.

Discord nodded, “I think so too.” He snapped his fingers and orange color seemed to bleed onto the suit. Within moments, the suit was a dark orange. “What do you think?” asked Discord. An orange top hat appeared in the air above him. It dropped and landed perfectly on his head.

Rarity looked him over. “…I don’t normally like orange,” she said after a few moments, “But I think it suits you.”

“Thank you,” said Discord. He held out his empty glass and another waiter came by, refilling it with wine. The waiter walked over to Rarity and filled her glass as well. Bowing, he backed away from the table.

“Excellent service,” said Rarity casually. She raised her glass and took a sip of the wine.

“This is the type of treatment you get when you’re a big name like me,” said Discord. He chuckled and said, “You’ll find out. Your career will take you to great heights, my dear.” He took a sip of wine and said, “Now, why don’t you enjoy this excellent lunch? I know I will.” With that, Discord returned to eating.

Rarity looked down at her own salad. She shrugged and grabbed a fork. As she ate, she listened to what the ponies around her were saying.

“-must be Miss Rarity over there,” one mare was saying.

“The fashion designer?” asked the stallion opposite of her. “Hoity Toity and Sapphire Shores have been talking about her for months!”

“I can’t believe someone so famous would be here!” said a mare.

“She designed this very dress!” said another pony. “Isn’t this lovely?”

“It looks good on you, Steve,” said a stallion.

Rarity smiled with satisfaction. She raised her glass and took a sip of her wine.

“-completely ruined the Gala,” muttered another mare. “I swear, if she wasn’t the Princess’s student…”

“She embarrassed the Wonderbolts to no end,” said a stallion.

“That crazy pony with the wild animals…” muttered another.

“That’s nothing,” said his companion, “Let me tell you about this pink pony that ruined-”

“So she was selling apples,” laughed a mare. “Apples! Have you ever heard of anything so pathetic?”

Rarity frowned and put her glass down. “What are they talking about?” she muttered, glaring at the ponies around her.

“I believe they’re talking about your friends,” said Discord. He shrugged. “Can you blame them? They’re all embarrassing. They wouldn’t fit in with high society ponies.” He smirked at Rarity and said, “You’re much better off leaving them all behind. They’re holding you back.”

“You’re wrong,” said Rarity. “It doesn’t matter what my friends act like.”

“Not just your friends,” said Discord, nodding his head to the table next to them, where a mare was gossiping loudly.

“So this little filly wearing armor comes into the store with a battle axe! She was babbling on and on about conquering Equestria!” The mare laughed nastily. “What a stupid little brat, right?”

Rarity narrowed her eyes at the mare. She got up and marched over to the table. “Excuse me…dear,” hissed Rarity, barely managing to keep her tone civil, “But that’s my little sister you’re talking about.”

“It is?” gasped the mare. “I’m so sorry!”

Rarity exhaled and managed a small smile, “That’s quite alright,” she said, “I just-”

“I’m sorry you have to deal with such an embarrassment,” continued the mare. She gave Rarity a sympathetic gaze. “It must be hard trying to get by while having that burden.”

Rarity gave the other pony an icy glare. “For your information, I happen to love my little sister. I won’t tolerate you speaking ill of her or my friends.”

“Wait…” said the mare. She laughed loudly and said, “You mean those ponies we’ve been talking about are your friends? And you willingly admit it?” She threw her head back, howling with laughter. “Oh, this is too rich!”

The ponies around them joined in with the mare’s laughter and threw in their own comments.

“I can’t believe she’s friends with them!” chortled one stallion.

“How does she expect us to take her seriously with friends like that?” asked a mare.

“I’m never buying anything from her ever again!” said the stallion in the dress.

“I don’t think anyone will buy anything from her again,” said the stallion opposite from him, “Not when everyone knows about her friends.”

The comments and the laughter increased. Soon, they all blended together in a raucous, undecipherable noise. Rarity covered her ears with her hooves, trying to block the comments out. “STOP IT!” she yelled. “STOP TALKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS!” She shut her eyes, grimacing as the noise increased.

Suddenly, everything went silent. Rarity opened her eyes and saw that the café was empty save for Discord, who was still drinking his wine. Rarity uncovered her ears and muttered, “W-what? What just-?”

“Consider that a little preview if you insist on holding onto your friends,” said Discord, setting his glass down on the table. He stood up and brushed off his suit. “You can’t have them and your dream of becoming famous. Eventually, you’re going to have to choose what’s more important.”

“If it comes down to that, I’ll choose my friends every time,” said Rarity.

“Would you?” asked Discord. “How generous. I hope the company of your friends is enough to make you forget that you will have thrown away your dreams and that you’ll go through life as an anonymous nobody.” He tipped his hat to Rarity and bowed. “Au revoir, Miss Rarity.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Rarity looked around the empty café. “Giving up my dreams…” she muttered. She shook her head. “I’d gladly give up everything for my friends. Even if…it means being…miserable…” She stood still, lost in her thoughts.

Meanwhile:

Fluttershy sighed as she slowly walked through the maze. “I hope I see the others soon…” she muttered. Suddenly, she spotted a flash of white in the corner of her eye. She turned her head just in time to see a white rabbit disappear around the corner. “Angel?” questioned Fluttershy. She quickly ran after the rabbit.

After several minutes of chasing the white rabbit through the maze, Fluttershy ran into a large open area. “Angel?!” yelled Fluttershy, looking around. “Where did you go?!”

“Looking for something?” asked a familiar voice.

Fluttershy spun around. Discord was standing by the entrance to the clearing, looking amused. “You?” asked Fluttershy, her eyes going wide. She started backing up and said, “W-what did you do to Angel?”

“That little white rabbit?” asked Discord. “I didn’t do anything to him. He ran out of the maze, looking terrified. Something terrible must have been chasing after him.”

“Terrible?” repeated Fluttershy. “B-but…I was the only one chasing him.”

“Ah, that explains it,” said Discord. “In that case, I don’t blame him for running. Who knows what to expect with you?”

“What do you mean?” asked Fluttershy.

Discord sighed and said, “You seem to alternate between two mindsets: angry and timid. I’m sure Angel was worried that you’d either scream or whimper at him.”

“Why would he run away from that?” asked Fluttershy.

Discord shrugged. “He probably finds it annoying. I mean, your friends do.”

Fluttershy blinked. “…What?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” asked Discord. “Just listen.”

Fluttershy could hear voices on the other side of the hedge. She walked over to the wall and listened.

“We need to find the others,” came Twilight’s voice.

“I couldn’t agree more, darling,” said Rarity’s voice. “I hope they’re alright.”

“Don’t worry,” said Twilight, “Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack can all take care of themselves. And we definitely don’t have to worry about Fluttershy.”

“Oh, I know!” laughed Rarity. “Honestly, I feel sorry for any monster that runs into her. I can’t believe you forced us to still be friends with her.”

“We need her for the Elements,” said Twilight. “We just have to put up with her until Celestia can find a suitable replacement.”

“Thank god for that,” said Rarity. “Honestly, I have to watch everything I say around her. You never know what might set her off.”

“She’s crazy,” agreed Twilight. “But we better find her. Come on…”

Fluttershy heard them walk away. She turned back to Discord and said shakily, “S-so what? I do have a temper. I-It’s not like all of them feel that way…right?”

“You are absolutely right, my dear,” said Discord. “In fact, Rainbow Dash is talking about you right now. I can hear her over there.” He gestured towards the other side of the clearing.

Fluttershy smiled as she walked over, “Rainbow and I have been friends for years,” she said to herself. “Way before you even heard of the Elements of Harmony. There’s no way she would-”

“God,” came Rainbow Dash’s voice as Fluttershy reached the hedge, “Fluttershy’s so useless.”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped.

“She’s always so scared about losing friends because she was a bully in high school,” continued Rainbow, “So she tries to rein in her temper whenever she’s around us.”

“You call that reinin’ in her temper?” scoffed Applejack’s voice.

“I know. She sucks at it,” agreed Rainbow Dash. “She gets all quiet and mopey. It’s annoying.”

“Ah hear ya,” said Applejack. “Girl needs to grow a backbone.”

“Not to mention she’s so boring!” came Pinkie’s voice. “Maybe if she acted like she did when she was a bully, she’d be more interesting.”

“Maybe I can convince Twilight to give one of us Fluttershy’s Element,” said Rainbow. “We wouldn’t need to deal with her anymore.”

“Let’s go find her now,” said Applejack. “If she says ‘yes’, we can just leave Fluttershy here.”

Fluttershy heard them all walk away.

“N-no…” whimpered Fluttershy.

“Aw…I’m so sorry, Fluttershy,” said Discord. He patted her head sympathetically. “It looks like no one likes you. Your personality drove everyone away from you. Screw them. You’re better off just leaving this maze and going home. After all, it’s not like your friends actually want you here.” With a chuckle, Discord snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Fluttershy stared at the ground. “He…he’s just trying to fool me,” she decided. “Discord probably just made it sound like my friends hated me with his magic. They don’t hate me…right?”

Meanwhile:

“Really?” asked Discord. “Is this really necessary?”

Discord had his arm outstretched, holding Rainbow Dash in the air by her tail. Rainbow was smacking his arm with her hooves, trying to get him to let go.

“Let me go!” yelled Rainbow. “I want to kick you so hard in the crotch your testicles will fly up and hit the roof of your mouth!”

“…Ok,” said Discord. “One, that’s not much incentive for me to let go. Two, I don’t think that’s physically possible. Three, ouch.” He shook his head and said, “I just want to talk to you. That’s it. Look, I’ll even give you your wings back.” He snapped his fingers and Rainbow’s wings reappeared on her body.

Rainbow Dash looked at her wings and gave them an experimental flap. She turned back to Discord and said, “You’ve got one minute. Explain.”

“Gladly,” said Discord, dropping her. “You know; I’ve always admired your particular Element. Loyalty.”

“So I’m loyal,” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes. “So what? You’ve got 45 seconds left, by the way.”

“Yes, you are loyal…” said Discord. “But to what, I wonder? Your friends, your home, your libido?”

“All of the above, pal,” said Rainbow Dash. “25 seconds.”

“How is that loyalty repaid?” asked Discord.

“15 sec…” Rainbow Dash trailed off. “…What?”

“How is your loyalty repaid?” repeated Discord. “From what I can see, your friends treat you like an idiot who’s only good for spouting off jokes about sex.”

“…So what?” asked Rainbow.

“So,” began Discord, “I’m wondering if your friends are as loyal to you as you are to them. Would they understand if you couldn’t do what they wanted because of your loyalty to someone else? Or will they abandon you? When you need them most, will they be there for you?”

“Of…of course they would!” huffed Rainbow. “What kind of stupid question is that?”

Discord shrugged. “I just think it’s interesting that you’ve been telling them over and over again that you want to join the Wonderbolts. Then, when you finally got a chance to prove your worth, Rarity swooped in and stole your spotlight.”

“I already forgave her for that, asshole,” growled Rainbow. “Besides, it all worked out in the end.”

“You’re right,” agreed Discord. “But that happened a while ago, didn’t it? Let’s play a little game to see where your loyalty lies, shall we? We’ll see if your friends understand your actions.”

“I’m not interested in your games,” said Rainbow Dash. She turned and began walking away.

“Shame,” said Discord. “Well, I’m sure your father will be fine.”

Rainbow froze. She turned and glared at Discord. “What did you say about my dad?”

“Oh, it’s nothing really,” said Discord, waving his hand dismissively. “Only that he might be in a small bit of trouble with potentially lethal consequences.”

Rainbow’s eyes went wide. “Dad…”

“You have a choice, Rainbow Dash,” said Discord. “You have two options to show your loyalty. You can stay here and support your friends, or you can go and see your father in order to see if he’s in danger.” Discord smirked at the stunned look on Rainbow’s face. “Clock’s ticking.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared.

Rainbow looked up at the sky and then back towards the maze. “What should I do?” she muttered to herself.

Meanwhile:

Twilight walked into the center of the maze. “Finally,” she muttered. She looked around, but saw no one else. “Where the hell is everybody?”

There was a puff of smoke and Discord suddenly appeared in front of her. “Congratulations, Twilight Sparkle! You’ve reached the end of the maze!” He held a microphone in front of her face. “How do you feel?”

“Annoyed,” answered Twilight, pushing the microphone out of her face. “Where are my friends?”

Discord looked up at the sky and smirked. “There goes one of them now.”

Twilight looked up and saw Rainbow speeding off into the distance. “Rainbow Dash?” asked Twilight. “Where is she going?”

“Looks like she had more important things to do,” said Discord, shrugging. He smirked and looked at something behind Twilight. “Speaking of ‘more important things to do’…”

Twilight looked behind her. Another Discord walked into the center of the maze, a confident smile on his face. “W-what is this?!” asked Twilight.

The other Discord chuckled as he walked over to the Discord in front of Twilight. “If there’s one thing I pride myself on, my dear, it’s that I am an excellent multitasker.” He turned to the other Discord and said, “It’s done.”

“Excellent!” said the first Discord, snapping his fingers. The other Discord disappeared, leaving him and Twilight alone again. He snapped his fingers again and Twilight’s horn reappeared on her head.

Twilight raised a hoof and touched her horn. “What’s going on?” she asked.

“You won the game, remember?” reminded Discord. “You reached the center of the maze, so I’m giving you and your friends their things back.”

Twilight glared at Discord. “So where are the Elements?”

Discord smirked and said, “Well now…I never said that they were here, did I? You just assumed.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “T-then what the fuck was the point of this?!” she spluttered.

“To distract you while my double did his job,” explained Discord.

“Which was?!” demanded Twilight.

Discord snapped his fingers and the hedges around them disappeared. The others appeared as the hedges hiding them from view disappeared. Soon, all of them were standing in a crater in the ground.

“Why…conquering Equestria, of course,” said Discord. He smiled viciously at Twilight. “Starting with Ponyville.”

“You…you what?!” asked Twilight.

“It was really the best time for it, you know,” continued Discord. “All of you, the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and Equestria’s defenders, were busy playing games in a maze. That gave my double enough time to wander down to Ponyville and change it for the better.”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “So…we…”

“Lost,” finished Discord. His smile grew bigger. “And I won. Equestria is mine.”

Meanwhile:

Rainbow Dash landed on the steps of a large cloud mansion. She raised her hoof and quickly pounded on the door.

The door opened, revealing a slightly disheveled-looking stallion with a rainbow mane. “Dashie?” he questioned. “What are you doing here? And how did make a knocking sound on cloud? Your hoof should’ve just went right through the door…”

“Dad!” said Rainbow, throwing her arms around him. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?!”

“What? I’m fine, kid,” said Rainbow Blaze, awkwardly patting his daughter’s back. “Why?”

Rainbow pulled away and said, “Because Discord told me…that…” She paused. After a couple of seconds, her eyes went wide and she turned back to look in the direction of Canterlot. “Oh…oh fuck me…”

“Uh…” said Blaze, unsure why his daughter suddenly looked guilty. “This might be a bad time, but do you have any spare bits? Your mom cleaned me out the last time we played poker together.” When Rainbow Dash didn’t respond, he cleared his throat. “So…is that a no?”

Discord's Terrible Teabagging

“I…I don’t know about this, Luna…” said Celestia, as she lay on Luna’s bed.

“Oh come on, Celestia,” said Luna. “It’s not like we have anything better to do.”

“I know, but…I’ve never done…this before,” replied Celestia.

“Wait…” said Luna, staring at Celestia. “Really? But you said-”

“I was making jokes before,” said Celestia. She blushed and said, “This…this is my first time…”

“O-oh…” said Luna. She smiled gently and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll show you what you have to do. Just follow my lead.”

“…Alright,” said Celestia, “I trust you. Just…be gentle. Please?”

Luna smirked and said, “Apologies, sister. But I play rough.” Her horn glowed and a video game controller floated into her grasp.

Celestia, who was lying on her stomach, sighed and grabbed her own controller. “…Did you really buy a game with only five maps?”

Luna, who was sitting on the floor with her back to the bed, quickly said, “Yeah, but the DLC is out now. I just had to pay the price of the full game for the season pass.”

“But you get it all at once, right?” asked Celestia.

“…Well…no…” said Luna. “I have to wait until the developers decide to put the DLC out.”

“That sucks,” said Celestia. “At least you still have the story mode, right?”

“There…uh…there is no campaign mode,” said Luna. “It’s all online multiplayer stuff.”

“…Why did you buy this thing again?” asked Celestia.

“There was a new movie, alright!” yelled Luna. “Now, quit talking and get to shooting!”

“Fine, fine…” said Celestia. She pressed a button on her controller. “Am…am I doing it?”

Luna stared at the screen. “Celestia…you’re just crouching.”

“…Is that good?” asked Celestia.

“Ah!” yelled Luna. “Someone killed me while I was focused on you!”

“What’s he doing?” asked Celestia, staring at the screen. “He’s just crouching on you over and over again.”

“That’s called teabagging,” said Luna. She scoffed and said, “It’s what immature players do to assert dominance over whoever they killed.”

“He’s really going at it,” observed Celestia as she watched the character on screen crouch up and down.

“He’s probably a sad loser with no life,” said Luna. “What’s his username?”

Celestia read the words above the character’s head. “D. Cord?”

There was a flash of light and suddenly thousands of actual tea bags dropped from the ceiling onto Luna, burying her.

Celestia stared at the pile of tea bags and sighed. “Discord.”

There was a puff of smoke and Discord appeared in front of the TV. “How are my favorite princesses holding up?” he asked.

“Fuck you,” said Celestia.

“Maybe later,” said Discord. “I’m awfully busy right now. What with defeating your student and her friends and all.”

“What did you do to Twilight?” asked Celestia, getting up from the bed.

“Relax,” said Discord. “She’s fine. In fact, she and her friends decided to run off to Ponyville. Something about assessing the damage, if I remember correctly.”

Celestia glared at him. “What have you done?”

Discord chuckled. “Nothing much. Just taking the first steps towards saving Equestria is all.”

Luna’s head popped out of the pile of tea bags. “Saving Equestria?” she repeated as she stared at Discord. “What do you mean by that?”

“Sorry, Lulu,” said Discord, “But this conversation is for big kids only.” He snapped his fingers.

Luna’s ears disappeared in a puff of smoke. She blinked and looked at Celestia. “DID IT JUST GET REALLY QUIET IN HERE?!” she yelled.

“Give Luna her ears back!” yelled Celestia.

“WHAT?!” yelled Luna. “SPEAK UP!”

“In due time,” said Discord, “But I wanted to speak with you alone.”

“And what makes you think that I want to speak to you?” snarled Celestia.

“Oh, come on,” said Discord. “Don’t you want to know what I meant when I said I’m saving Equestria?”

“Fine,” said Celestia. “What did you-”

“I know your secret,” interrupted Discord.

Celestia blinked. “…I…I don’t what you’re talking-”

“Yes you do,” interrupted Discord, silencing Celestia. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. That little secret that Starswirl left for you to find.”

“I…” began Celestia, before falling silent.

“It’s funny that you keep saying I’m the bad guy,” said Discord, chuckling. “How do you think Twilight would react if-”

“You can’t tell her!” yelled Celestia. “She could-”

“Oh, what’s wrong?” asked Discord, cutting her off. “What’s the harm in letting her know? I mean, you do trust her, right?”

“Of…of course I trust her,” said Celestia hesitantly. “I just-”

“Ask her for her blind loyalty and to be at your beck and call?” suggested Discord. “Hmm…that seems more along the lines of a weapon than a student, don’t you think?” He shrugged, not waiting for Celestia’s response. “Well, as fun as it is hearing you floundering for excuses, I am a busy man. Can’t keep your student waiting, after all.”

“Wait!” called Celestia. “What are you going to do to Twilight?”

“Worried about her?” asked Discord. He chuckled, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt her. I’m just going to break her and crush her emotionally. Just some harmless fun.” He snapped his fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“Shit…” muttered Celestia. “What should we do, Luna?” She turned to see Luna furiously pressing buttons on her controller. Looking back at the TV, she saw that Luna had killed Discord’s character and was crouching on him over and over again.

Meanwhile, in Ponyville:

“-and that’s why the Elements have to be back at the library,” explained Twilight as she led the others down the path into Ponyville. “Discord said that the Elements were ‘close to home’. Where else could they be?”

“I don’t know, darling,” said Rarity, frowning. “How do we know Discord was telling the truth?”

“We can’t be sure,” said Twilight, “But we don’t have any other options.” She looked at Pinkie. “If we had your script, we’d be able to find the Elements in a heartbeat.”

“Oh, my script isn’t that accurate…” said Pinkie, laughing nervously. “It only tells me what’s going to happen that day. And where things happen. And who they happen to. And what those ponies had for breakfast, how long they spent in the bathroom, what their long-term goals are, what their credit score is, and…” She blinked. “…But that’s all. Really.”

Twilight stared at her. “…Uh…”

“I’m not a creep, I promise,” said Pinkie quickly. “I haven’t even read about that outfit you wear for that painting in your living room.”

“Moving on!” yelled Twilight.

“If you need any more lingerie,” said Rarity, “I know someone in Canterlot who can...” She trailed off, her eyes going wide. “I-I mean…I don’t know anybody high up in the fashion industry who could possibly help me become a success and move away from Ponyville.”

Twilight turned to stare at Rarity. “What are you-?”

“Don’t leave me,” begged Rarity.

“Ah understand where yer comin’ from, Sugarcube,” said Applejack, patting Rarity’s back. “Friendship is more important than silly things like yer job…or livelihood…or apples…sweet, juicy, delicious apples…” She blinked and quickly wiped her watering mouth. “Ah…Ah mean, who cares about apples, am Ah right?”

Twilight sighed and turned to Fluttershy. “Are you going to act weird too?”

Fluttershy opened her mouth. And then shut it. And then opened it. And then shut it. And then whimpered pathetically.

“Great…” muttered Twilight. She sighed and said, “Let’s just focus on getting to Ponyville. We need to see what Discord did and fix it.”

Applejack squinted as she looked down the path. “…Twilight, you know a lot of spells, right?”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. “Why?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any to fix that, would ya?” asked Applejack, pointing.

Twilight turned around. Her jaw dropped as she got a good look at Ponyville.

Or what was left of it.

Various buildings were upside down and levitating in the air. The buildings that remained on the ground had been splattered with what looked like a mix of cotton candy and gum. The grass had turned black and white, turning the ground into a chess board. A giant wooden effigy of Twilight had been built in the middle of town. It suddenly caught fire and released clouds of angry bees into the screaming crowds of ponies that were running chaotically through the town.

“NOT THE BEES! NOOOOO!” screamed a stallion as swarms of bees chased after him.

Twilight turned and looked at Applejack. “No. No I do not.”

“It’s about time you all got here,” said a voice. The ponies turned to see Discord, who had a bag of popcorn in his hands. He tossed a few pieces in his mouth and swallowed. “So,” he said, wiping his mouth, “What do you think?”

“You’re a monster,” growled Twilight.

“Interesting,” said Discord. “I’ve always considered myself more of a psychopath than anything.” He threw his popcorn behind him. The bag hit the ground and exploded, leaving a smoking crater near the road. Discord snapped his fingers. A notepad and pencil appeared in his hands and a pair of glasses appeared on his face. “I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’m a little stuck on what to do next,” he said, pressing the pencil to the notepad. “Which do you prefer: famine or pestilence? It’ll be a tough choice, I know. They’re both classics.”

“We’re not helpin’ you!” said Applejack.

“Oh, but you already did!” said Discord, his conjured items disappearing. “Don’t forget, Ponyville’s like this because you all wasted time in that maze.” He waggled his finger at Applejack and said, “Pretty irresponsible if you ask me.” He looked at his wrist, where a doodle of a watch had been scrawled in pen. “And speaking of time, I’m running late for a very important date. Those apples won’t ruin themselves, you know.” He chuckled and disappeared with another puff of smoke.

“Wait…apples?!” said Applejack. “We need to get over to Sweet Apple Acres and-”

“We need to go to the library and find the Elements,” said Twilight.

Applejack glared at Twilight, her face becoming a dark shade of red. “Why?! Because they're more important than mah apples?!”

“Because the Elements can stop Discord,” explained Twilight. “We can fix the damage he’s done after we imprison him again.”

“Oh sure,” said Applejack, “And Ah’m sure that mah orchard we’ll be the last thing that gets fixed, won’t it?!” She turned her head and huffed.

Twilight turned to Fluttershy and asked, “What’s wrong with her?”

Fluttershy looked and Applejack and then back at Twilight. She whimpered pathetically.

“Right…” said Twilight, sighing.

A few minutes later:

Spike was snoring softly as he slept in the armchair, cans of soda littering the floor around him. An adult magazine was clutched tightly in one of his claws, while the other was holding a bag of potato chips. A line of drool was dripping out of Spike’s mouth as he snorted in his sleep.

The door slammed open as Twilight and the others ran into the library.

Spike jerked awake, shouting, “I READ IT FOR THE ARTICLES, I SWEAR!”

“Spike!” said Twilight, running over to him. “Have you seen the…the…” She trailed off as she looked at Spike. “…Is this what you do when we leave you here?”

“Uh…no?” said Spike, quickly tossing the magazine and chips behind him.

“Yes it is,” said Pinkie. “You do this all the time.” Her eyes widened and she quickly added, “Not that I would know! I mean, I may have read it once or twice or ten times in my script, but that’s not…I…” She groaned, walked over to one of the bookshelves, and began banging her head against it. “Stupid…stupid Pinkie…” she muttered.

Spike watched for a moment as Pinkie continued to slam her head against the wooden shelf before turning to Twilight. “Ok, what’s going on?”

“Discord hid the Elements of Harmony and we think they’re here,” said Twilight.

“Uh-huh...” said Spike. He paused for a moment. “…Who the fuck is Discord?”

“He’s a dick,” said Applejack.

“He’s a psychopath,” said Twilight.

“He’s a phenomenal douchebag,” said Rarity.

Fluttershy opened her mouth to comment, thought better of it, and shut her mouth again.

“…That describes, like, 90% of the people we meet,” said Spike.

“He’s the bad guy of the week,” explained Pinkie, as she stopped banging her head against the shelf.

“Oh, why didn’t you just say so?” asked Spike. He hopped off his chair and walked over to Twilight. “So, where do you think the Elements are?”

Twilight frowned as she looked around the room. “I don’t know…they could be anywhere…” She thought for a moment before saying, “I think we should find the book on the Elements. That may help us find them.”

“…How?” asked Spike. “How would a book know where the Elements are now?”

Twilight sighed. “Just shut up and find the book, Spike.”

“That’s easy,” said Spike. He walked over to the ladder by one of the bookcases and climbed it. “It’s just up here collecting dust,” he called down.

“Collecting dust?” repeated Twilight, narrowing her eyes at the dragon on the ladder. “Isn’t one of your chores to dust the books?”

“I can’t hear you all the way up here, Twilight!” lied Spike. “Anyway, the book should be right…here?”

“What’s wrong?” asked Twilight.

Spike climbed down the ladder and said, “The book’s gone! I swear, it was there when I dusted last!”

“…When did you dust last?” asked Twilight.

Spike paused. “…When did we move in again?”

“I know where the book is,” said a voice.

Twilight and Spike looked over at Fluttershy, who squeaked and covered her mouth.

“I’m so sorry!” she said desperately. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Fluttershy, where’s the book?” asked Twilight. “We need it to find the Elements, which we need to fight Discord!”

“No! I didn’t say anything!” lied Fluttershy. “I definitely didn’t see Rarity take the book with her magic!”

“What?!” yelled Twilight, looking at Rarity, whose eyes went wide.

“You little bitch!” yelled Rarity, shooting a glare at Fluttershy. “This is why no one likes you!”

“No one likes me?” whimpered Fluttershy, her lip trembling.

“Rarity, where is my book?!” demanded Twilight.

Rarity laughed nervously. “Oh Twilight, darling, why do you need the Elements? They’re just pieces of gaudy jewelry, right? Ones that would certainly attract the attention of any rich clientele from Canterlot, who would surely whisk me away to a life of high societal success. And who wants that?!” Her eye twitched and she whispered, “I do…I do so much, you don’t even know…”

“RARITY!” yelled Twilight. “Where. Is. THE BOOK?!”

“Hmm?” hummed Rarity, brought out of her whispering. “Oh, I gave it to Applejack.”

“Applejack?!” repeated Twilight. “Why?!”

“Ah’m a big lover of books, Twilight,” said Applejack as Twilight spun to face her, “Ah read all the time. And not just books about apples! Sometimes Ah read books about…” She paused. “Um…Ah get books about…apple seeds?”

Twilight’s eye twitched violently. “Applejack,” she said, forcing herself to stay calm, “May I please have my book back!”

“Sure!” said Applejack.

“Ok,” said Twilight calmly. “Then let me have it.”

“You’ll have to wait until Pinkie’s done with it,” said Applejack.

Twilight inhaled through her gritted teeth. She slowly turned to Pinkie. “Pinkie, why do you have my book?”

“I wanted to read it to take my mind off this whole Discord thing,” explained Pinkie, “But it was so boring! My script is much more exciting!” She paused. “…Not that my script is the only thing I read. I read cookbooks sometimes too and-” A purple glow suddenly surrounded Pinkie’s jaw, closing it shut.

“Pinkie,” growled Twilight, her horn glowing, “Where the fuck is my book?”

Pinkie silently pointed her hoof at Fluttershy.

Twilight turned to face the pegasus, the glow in her horn disappearing. “Fluttershy?!” she screeched. “Have you had the book this whole time?!”

“Not the whole time,” said Fluttershy. “Pinkie gave it to me when you started interrogating Rarity.”

“THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE TO ME?!” screamed Twilight.

“I was going to wait to give it to you so you’d like me more,” explained Fluttershy, holding the book out to Twilight. “Did it work?”

Twilight stuffed her hooves in her mouth and let out a muffled scream of rage.

“…Was that a ‘yes’?” asked Fluttershy.

Twilight took her hooves out of her mouth and breathed deeply. “…No,” she replied calmly, grabbing the book from Fluttershy.

“O-oh…” said Fluttershy, her eyes watering. “Th-that’s fine, that’s fine…it’s not like I need your approval make me feel good about myself or anything…” She let out a small sob.

“Great,” said Twilight, turning her back on Fluttershy. She set the book down and opened it. Golden light shone in her eyes as she turned to the middle of the book. Squinting, Twilight gasped as she saw that the Elements of Harmony were resting inside the book.

“Finally!” said Twilight as she looked down at the Elements. Her horn started to glow, causing the Elements to rise from the book and float in the air. She turned to the others and said, “Now we can beat Discord!”

“Uh…I don’t know, Twilight…” said Rarity, eyeing her own Element. “These things are just bright and shiny enough to raise our social standing, which may tear us all apart. Wouldn’t it be better to just forget about the whole thing?”

“Well, Ah’m ready to give that Discord a piece of my mind!” said Applejack. She looked at her Element, where the apple-shaped jewel shone in the light. “Uh…actually…maybe Ah could use someone else’s Element? Like Pinkie’s?”

“That won’t work,” said Twilight. “Pinkie needs her own Element.” She turned to look at the other pony. “Right, Pinkie?”

Pinkie laughed nervously. “How would I know? It’s not like I read it in some sort of omniscient script or anything!” Her eyes darted around the room, unable to meet anyone’s gaze.

“Fighting Discord sounds like it could get violent,” said Fluttershy. She began to laugh maniacally before cutting herself off. She cleared her throat awkwardly and said, “I…I don’t think fighting him is such a great idea…”

“Fluttershy, that is just some fantastic input,” said Twilight sarcastically, “But we need to stop Discord now!” Using her magic, Twilight put the necklaces on each of her friends’ necks. She put her big crown thingy on her head and started walking towards the door.

“Wait!” said Spike, holding the Element of Loyalty. “Where’s Rainbow Dash? She needs hers.”

“Rainbow isn’t here, Spike,” said Twilight. “We don’t have time to wait for her.”

“But without her, the Elements aren’t complete!” replied Spike.

Twilight thought for a moment. She reached over and put the Element around Spike’s neck. “Congratulations, you’re the new Rainbow Dash.”

“I am?” asked Spike, looking down at the necklace. “I mean…this is so sudden. What’s my motivation?”

“It’s Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight as she rolled her eyes, “She’s not that complicated. Just talk in innuendos and mention that you want to sleep with the Wonderbolts every once in a while.”

“But I don’t want to sleep with the Wonderbolts!” said Spike. “I want to sleep with Rarity!”

“What was that?” asked Rarity.

“I mean, what? That was weird,” said Spike, laughing nervously. He began to push Twilight out of the library. “Come on! That Discord isn’t going to beat himself, you know?”

Twilight quickly opened the door to the library before Spike could shove her into it. When everyone else had exited the building, Twilight shut the door and said, “Ok. Now all we have to do is find Discord and use the Elements to stop him.”

“Do you really think it will be that easy?” asked a voice.

Everyone turned to see Discord floating in the air a few feet away from them. “Congratulations to all of you!” he said happily. “You found the Elements! Now all you have to do is use the…” He cleared his throat and suddenly spoke in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice, “‘Magic of Friendship’ to beat me.”

“We will use the Magic of Friendship to beat you!” yelled Twilight. She paused. “…Man, that really sounded more impressive in my head…”

“Well, alright…” said Discord, his voice back to normal. “You win. I know when I’m outmatched.” He snapped his fingers and a bullseye appeared on his chest. He sniffed and wiped a tear out of his eye. “J-just do me a favor? Make it quick.” He put his hands behind his back and shut his eyes.

“Girls!” said Twilight. “Formation Alpha Epsilon Texas!”

There was a pause.

“What?” asked Spike.

“What the fuck is that?” asked Applejack.

Twilight sighed and said, “Just concentrate on wasting this fucker, okay?”

The ponies (and Spike) closed their eyes. White light began glowing around them…before immediately fizzling out.

Spike opened his eyes and said, “Um…Twilight?”

“Not now, Spike!” said Twilight, her eyes closed tightly. “Just concentrate!”

Spike watched as Discord opened his eyes. “Twilight!”

“Concentrate!” said Twilight.

Discord grabbed the bullseye from his chest and tossed it behind him. He walked up to Twilight and snapped his fingers, causing her to float up to his eye level.

“I think it’s working!” said Twilight.

“Twilight! Open your eyes!” yelled Spike.

Twilight opened her eyes to see Discord’s amused expression. “…Spike?”

“Yeah?” asked Spike, backing away along with the other girls.

“I no longer think it was working,” finished Twilight.

“Ya think?” asked Discord, plucking Twilight’s Element off her head. He snapped his fingers again, and Twilight fell to the ground. “Well…you ladies certainly did your best. Gave it the old college try.” He absently picked his teeth with the Element of Magic. “Unfortunately, it just wasn’t enough.”

“I don’t understand…” said Twilight. “Why didn’t it work?”

“Hmm…” hummed Discord, pretending to think. “Well, firstly, I don’t think you can replace an Element Bearer with one of your friends.” He looked over at Spike and said, “Nothing against you, mind you. You make an excellent Rainbow Dash.”

“I do?” asked Spike.

“Yes,” said Discord. “And I totally get why you’d want to pretend to be a pony. It must be hard…never fitting in…being different from every dragon you meet.” He looked Spike over and said, “Not a real pony and not a real dragon. You don’t belong anywhere; do you Spike?”

“I…what?” asked Spike.

“Anyway, back to the matter at hand…” said Discord, turning his gaze back to Twilight. “Hmm…well, you’d think that 5 out of 6 Elements would do the job perfectly, wouldn’t you? I guess the only explanation is that…no, that can’t be…”

“What is it?” asked Twilight.

“Well…I hate to say this, Twilight, really I do…” said Discord, a smug grin on his face. “But I think the reason why the Elements didn’t work is that…well…your friends aren’t your friends anymore.”

“You’re wrong!” said Twilight. “We’re still friends. We’ll find Rainbow Dash and be back to stop you!”

“Really?” said Discord, smirking. He looked at the area behind Twilight and asked, “Who’s this we you’re talking about?”

Twilight turned to look behind her…and her jaw dropped. Her friends were nowhere to be seen. All that was left were their Elements, all piled together in the dirt.

“Yeah,” continued Discord, “They all walked away while you were arguing with me. Some friends, huh?”

“B-but…” said Twilight, still staring at the pile of Elements.

“Oh come on, Twilight,” said Discord. “So your friends all abandoned you. I’m sure you’ve studied some sort of spell that can make them all come back, right?”

“I…I don’t…” said Twilight.

“Well gosh and golly-gee, isn’t that just a shame?” said Discord. He scoffed and said, “So much for Celestia’s prize student, huh? Can’t even bring her friends back…”

“…You’re right…” muttered Twilight.

“No he’s not!” said Spike. He ran to Twilight and said, “Come on, we need to go get the others back!”

“Why?” asked Twilight. “We can’t beat Discord.”

“Glad to see you’re learning,” said Discord, reaching down to ruffle Twilight’s hair. “Now if you’ll excuse me, kids, Uncle Discord’s got some big plans for this place! You’re gonna love it! And if not, who cares?!” He laughed and snapped his fingers, disappearing in smoke.

“Asshole,” muttered Spike. He turned to Twilight, only to see her make her way back to the library. “Twilight! Wait!” He ran after her, only pausing to pick up the fallen Elements. When he grabbed the final Element, he turned around to see Twilight shut the library door behind her, the Element of Magic abandoned on the ground.

Spike walked over and picked up the Element of Magic. “There’s got to be some way to convince Twilight to get her friends back…” he muttered to himself. He looked at the Elements in his hands, examining each of them. As he stared at the Element of Laughter, a thought came to his head. “I’ve got it!” said Spike. He opened the library door and dropped the Elements inside. Closing the door again, Spike turned and ran into town. He had a plan.

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Dull thuds and muffled swearing could be heard from Princess Luna’s sealed bedroom.

“What about this?” questioned Celestia, as she stood in front of the television. She held up a wooden chair.

“YES, THAT’S FINE,” yelled Luna as she tried craning her neck to look at the TV. She had a controller on the floor in front of her and was frantically pushing buttons with her hooves.

“Great,” said Celestia. She dragged the chair over to the glass door that led to the balcony. She picked up the chair and smashed it against the glass. The chair broke into pieces, sending splintered wood everywhere. To Celestia’s dismay, the glass door wasn’t even scratched. She growled and stomped over to Luna’s closet. She opened the closet and began rifling through what was inside.

“Let’s see…” Celestia muttered as she searched. “Young adult novels…comic books…Nightmare Moon cosplay…unflattering drawing of me with an enormous ass. I’ll get revenge for that later…Ah ha!” She reached into the closet and pulled out a battle axe. “This might work!”

She pulled the axe with her as she walked back in front of the TV. “Is this alright for me to use?” she asked, holding the weapon up for Luna to see.

Luna rolled her eyes. She gestured to her missing ears and said, “YOU KNOW I CAN’T HEAR YOU, RIGHT? JUST USE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR.”

“Fine,” sighed Celestia. She dragged the axe over to the balcony door and swung. The blade of the axe sliced deep into the glass. “Finally!” said Celestia happily. “Now I just have to do that a few more times and…” She tugged on the axe’s handle, but couldn’t get it out of the door. “…No…” she muttered, yanking on it a few more times. The axe remained in the glass, unable to move.

“COME ON!” screamed Celestia. She grabbed a vase off of Luna’s nightstand and threw it at the door, where it shattered on impact.

“OH,” shouted Luna, not turning around, “MAKE SURE YOU DON’T USE MY VASE. IT’S A PRICELESS ANTIQUE.”

Celestia looked down at the shattered remains of the vase and then back at Luna, her eyes going wide. She whistled innocently and brushed the pieces under Luna’s bed with her leg.

“HA! TAKE THAT B.MASH!” shouted Luna triumphantly.

Celestia looked back at the door and sighed. “I give up…” she muttered. She walked over to Luna and watched as she killed the other players in her game. “You’re doing surprisingly well for someone who can’t hear anything.”

“HAHA!” laughed Luna, making Celestia wince at the volume. “SUCK MY NONEXISTENT LADY PENIS, PIPINPWNYVILLE!”

When the ringing in Celestia’s ears stopped, she looked at Luna and said, “You’re lucky Discord isn’t here. He might make your lady penis very existent.”

“Please,” said a voice. Celestia turned her head to see Discord lounging on Luna’s bed. “Giving mares penises? Do I look like a fanfiction author to you?”

“What do you want now?!” yelled Celestia, stepping towards the bed.

“I figured you’d like to know what happened with Twilight,” said Discord as he shrugged. “I can always not tell you, I guess…”

“What did you do to her?” demanded Celestia.

Discord laid back, resting his head on Luna’s pillow. “Calm down. She’s fine.” He yawned. “A bit depressed and highly unmotivated to stop me, but fine.”

“She will stop you,” said Celestia.

Discord sighed and got up from the bed. “How long is it going to be before you admit that I got the better of you? Look around!” He gestured at the room. “I trapped you and your sister…quite easily, I may add…stole the Elements of Harmony right under your nose, and broke Twilight and her friends! I’ve won! There’s no one who can stop me!”

“Twilight and her friends will find a way,” said Celestia.

“Oh really?” asked Discord. “Do enlighten me, Celestia. How can your student possibly beat me? I have all six of the bearers doubting everything about their friendship. The only person that could help…” He reached out and flicked Celestia’s forehead, “i.e. you, are locked in here with no magic.” He snapped his fingers and Pinkie’s new script appeared in his hands. “I even have that pretender’s script! Which, between you and me, is a total bore. I barely made it through the first few pages before deciding that I had to spice it up a bit.”

“What do you mean?” asked Celestia.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Discord, snapping his fingers again. The script disappeared in a puff of smoke. “Equestria is mine. There is nothing that can help Twilight and her friends now.”

Meanwhile, in Ponyville:

The door to the library opened and Spike poked his head inside. “Twilight? Are you here?” He frowned as he peered inside the room. “What are you doing?”

Twilight was in the middle of the room, facing away from him. Her horn was glowing purple as she magically lifted books off of their shelves and placed them into boxes. “Packing,” came Twilight’s terse reply.

“Oh,” said Spike. “…Where are you going?”

“We are going home,” said Twilight, still not turning to face him.

“Um…we are home,” replied Spike. “You know…in Ponyville?”

“No Spike,” said Twilight, finally turning to face him. “We’re leaving and going back to Canterlot.”

“Back to Canterlot?” repeated Spike. “But what about Discord? Or your friends? What about me and Rarity? Long-distance relationships never work!”

Twilight walked towards him, saying, “One, we completely and utterly failed to stop Discord. Two, if they were really my friends, they wouldn’t have left during the fight with Discord. And three…I’m going to be completely honest with you, Spike. You don’t have a relationship with Rarity. At all. Your obsession with her will ultimately bring you nothing but heartbreak and sorrow. Eventually, you’ll go so far down into a deep depression that you’ll snap and murder everyone.” She stopped in front of him. “Understand?”

Spike blinked. “…Well, yeah. But I need to be here for that to happen.”

Twilight sighed and said, “We’re leaving. Go pack your stuff.” She turned to walk back into the room.

“Wait!” said Spike, causing Twilight to look back at him. “What if I could prove that you guys were friends? Could we stay then?”

“It’s going to take a hell of a lot to make me change my mind, Spike,” said Twilight. She frowned as she thought of something. “Wait…is that where you’ve been all this time? Looking for something to help?”

“Well…yeah,” said Spike. “I had to go to Sugarcube Corner to get it.”

“…Spike, Sugarcube Corner is about a five-minute walk from here,” said Twilight as she turned to face him. “You’ve been gone for two hours. What took you so long?”

“Well…” said Spike. He finally opened the door all the way, revealing his body. In Spike’s arms were the Elements of Harmony and a familiar-looking black binder. Twilight could make out the words, MLP: FML on the cover of the binder.

“Pinkie’s script?” questioned Twilight. “How did you convince her to let you take it?”

“Well…” said Spike, looking down.

Twilight looked down at Spike’s legs, where Pinkie was clinging on for dear life. “…Pinkie?”

“Give me back my old script!” shouted Pinkie, her arms wrapped around Spike’s legs. “It’s bad enough Discord stole my new one; I don’t need you stealing the only one I have left!”

Twilight looked back up at Spike and said, “Why did you take Pinkie’s script? It’s not like it can help us beat Discord.”

Spike walked closer to Twilight, dragging Pinkie along with him. When he got close enough, he held the script out to her. “Look, I know Discord beat you the last time. He got in everyone’s head and made it seem like you’re not friends anymore.”

“There’s also the part where my ‘friends’ abandoned me,” added Twilight.

“Wow,” said Pinkie, still clutching Spike’s legs, “Those guys sound like real fuck-ups.”

“I know, right?” said Twilight.

“The point is,” continued Spike, “This is all Discord’s fault. He has you all doubting each other.” Spike nodded to the script in his outstretched hand. “I figured that this thing could remind all of you that you are friends, no matter what Discord says.”

Twilight smiled sadly, “It’s a nice thought, Spike…but it doesn’t matter. Even if we were really friends, that was in the past. We’re not friends anymore.”

Spike sighed and said, “Look…it doesn’t hurt to try, does it? Besides, I thought you loved reading.”

Twilight frowned as she looked at the script. “…This is true...and I’ve wanted to read this thing ever since Pinkie freaked out over losing it…”

Spike moved the arm holding the Elements of Harmony closer to his chest. “Could you make a decision quick?” he asked desperately. “These fucking things are hard to hold with only one arm.”

Twilight sighed and used her magic to grab the script from Spike. “Fine,” she said, “But I don’t know if it’ll help, Spike.” She opened the script to the first page and read, “A purple unicorn laid down under a tree, pulled a book out of her bag, and started to read…”

Spike quickly used his now-free arm to get a better hold on the Elements of Harmony. “I hope this works…” he muttered. He blinked and looked down. “Pinkie…a-are you biting me?”

Pinkie looked up at Spike, her teeth clamped down around one of his ankles. “…No…” she said slowly.

Spike stared at her. He opened his mouth to say something, only to close it when he decided that it was better just to ignore her. He looked back up at Twilight and said, “What do you think so far?”

Twilight frowned and flipped the page. “I think we got a lot more vulgar after the second chapter for, like, no reason.”

Spike frowned. “This isn’t working…” he muttered. He looked back down at Pinkie, who was apparently trying to bite his leg off with her teeth. “Pinkie, you’ve read that thing over and over again, right?”

“I...I don’t…” said Pinkie. She growled and yelled, “Yes, alright?! I’ve read that script over and over again! I don’t have a problem, ok?!”

“That’s…debatable,” said Spike. “Look, is there some part in that script that will let Twilight see that you guys are actually friends?”

“Hmm…” hummed Pinkie, putting one of her hooves to her chin. “Well…what about when we all went after Nightmare Moon?”

“You mean when you all followed me?” asked Twilight, flipping through the script. “Didn’t Applejack tell me to fall off a cliff?”

“What about when you got tickets for the Grand Galloping Gala?” suggested Spike. “All the other girls wanted to hang out with you.”

“No,” said Twilight, “They all wanted to get the ticket for themselves, remember?”

“What about when Applejack went crazy trying to run the orchard?” asked Pinkie. “You tried to help her, even though you didn’t have to.”

“Well…yeah,” said Twilight. She set down the script and said, “She would have hurt herself otherwise.”

“What about the time Fluttershy drove off that dragon?” asked Spike. “She didn’t want to do it.”

“It’s not like she could just stand by and watch that dragon eat us,” said Twilight. “She’s not heartless.”

“You offered Rarity and Applejack a place to stay during a storm,” said Pinkie. “Remember? You tried to get them to make out?”

“What now?” asked Spike, his interest roused.

Twilight groaned. “That was a misunderstanding…I’m never listening to what Cadance has to say ever again…”

“What about that time Pinkie saved the town from the Parasprites?” asked Spike.

“I did that?” asked Pinkie. “Holy shit, I’m awesome.”

“I remember that whole incident wouldn’t have happened if Fluttershy didn’t find the Parasprites in the first place,” said Twilight.

“But Fluttershy did help us sew new dresses after we ruined Rarity’s fashion show,” pointed out Pinkie.

“…I guess…” said Twilight.

“And she helped us run from that Hydra, remember?” asked Spike. “That was the time you tried studying Pinkie.”

“And got hurt doing so,” said Twilight, glaring at Pinkie.

Pinkie giggled nervously and quickly said, “But I did help the buffalo and settler ponies in Appaloosa get along.”

“Weren’t you hitting on Applejack’s cousin the whole time?” asked Spike. “And didn’t you start the war between the buffalo and settler ponies?”

“…I wouldn’t say ‘started’,” said Pinkie. “I would use words like ‘aggravated’ or ‘made it much much worse’.”

Spike rolled his eyes and looked back at Twilight, “You and Owlowiscious saved me when I ran away.”

“You’re not my friend, Spike,” said Twilight. “You’re family. I’m forced to care about you.”

“But you’re not forced to care about her,” said Spike, pointing down at Pinkie. “You went out of your way to throw her a surprise party even though she was acting crazy.”

“Hey!” said Pinkie.

“Crazier,” amended Spike.

“Thank you,” said Pinkie.

“Spike,” said Twilight, “I get what you’re trying to say. But all those events prove is that we can be nice to each other. It doesn’t mean we’re friends.”

“Why?” asked Spike.

“…Why what?” asked Twilight.

“Why be nice to each other? Why would you even care?” asked Spike.

“Well…to be able to use the Elements of Harmony of course,” answered Twilight.

“Wait…” said Pinkie. “Haven’t we really only used those things with Nightmare Moon? And with Discord, but that was a total failure!” She started laughing until she looked at the annoyed expressions on Spike and Twilight’s faces. “Uh…I mean…how tragic?”

Spike shook his head and looked at Twilight, “We’ve been in Ponyville for months now, Twilight. If you were only concerned about the Elements, why did you hang out with everyone else? Why try to help them with their problems?”

“Well, I’m not going to just let them deal with their problems on their own,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “They’d help me if I needed it.”

“Why?” asked Spike.

“W-well…because we…we’re…” began Twilight slowly. She fell silent as her eyes widened.

“Friends?” suggested Spike.

“…Yeah…” said Twilight. She smiled and said, “Because we’re friends. We’ve been through too much together to let some asshole tear us apart.”

Spike smiled and said, “So, what are you gonna do now?”

“I need to find the others,” said Twilight. “They are all obsessing about what Discord said to them. If I can find them, I can help them see that Discord’s wrong. We are friends and we are going to kick his ass.”

There was a loud sniffle from the floor. Spike and Twilight looked down to see Pinkie, who was sobbing into Spike’s foot.

“Th-that was so beautiful…” sobbed Pinkie. “I wish I had friends like that…”

“Pinkie…” said Twilight, “You are one of my friends, remember?”

“Oh!” said Pinkie. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, “Alright then.”

Twilight sighed and said, “Look, just…just stay here, Pinkie. I’ll go track down the others.” She looked at Spike and said, “Are you coming?”

“Me?!” asked Spike, his eyes widening. “I’m not going against Discord! That guy is fucking nuts! He…uh…” He paused as he stared at Twilight. “…I mean…you’re gonna beat him! Definitely!”

“…Thanks for the support,” said Twilight sarcastically.

A few minutes later:

Twilight walked towards down the road to Sweet Apple Acres. “This place doesn’t look too bad…” she muttered as she looked at the apple trees around her.

There was an oink. Twilight looked up to see a flock of pigs flying above her. They flew past and disappeared into the trees.

“…Never mind,” said Twilight. She noticed a flash of red out of the corner of her eye and turned to look. “Big Macintosh?” she questioned.

“Miss Sparkle,” greeted Big Mac. He was wearing a black suit and had his hair slicked back. “How are you on this fine day?”

“Um…fine?” answered Twilight. “Why…um…why are you wearing a suit?”

Big Mac adjusted his necktie and said, “Well, some strange creature appeared in the orchard a few hours ago. I asked him what he was doing and he snapped his fingers. Before I knew it, I was wearing a suit and talking like any other pony.”

“Discord,” asked Twilight. “Is he still here?”

“No,” said Big Mac. “He laughed at Applejack as she came home and then disappeared.” He tugged at his collar. “Likely to cause some other pony to experience their own personal hell.”

“Um…are you okay?” asked Twilight.

“I miss wearing a dress,” said Big Mac. He glared at his slacks and muttered, “I miss that breeze around my privates.”

“…A little too much information, Mac,” said Twilight. “Do you know where Applejack is now?”

Big Mac shook his head. “I don’t know. Caramel was hanging around the house, though. He might know where she went.”

“Thanks,” said Twilight, as she turned to walk away. She paused and looked back at Big Mac. “Wait…Caramel?”

“I know what you’re thinking, but he’s been getting better as time goes on,” said Big Mac. “Besides, he’s not that bad of a guy.”

Meanwhile:

“DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, MAGGOT!” yelled Granny Smith. “YOU ARE THE WORST SOLDIER EVER!”

Granny Smith was standing in front of the Apple Family’s house. Standing in front of her was a very uninterested Caramel.

“Miss Smith, for the last time, I am not a soldier,” said Caramel, who was wearing his leather jacket. “And you’re not a drill sergeant.”

“Of course Ah ain’t a drill sergeant, dirt bag!” barked Granny Smith. “I’m Captain Granny Smith of the Equestrian Military! Mah job is turnin’ miserable wastes of space like you into somewhat competent soldiers!”

“No, it isn’t!” said Caramel. “You’re Mac’s crazy grandma who thinks we’re at war with that pear farm down the road.”

“Those damn Pear Bottoms have had it too good for too long…” muttered Granny Smith.

“Caramel?” asked Twilight, walking up to the two. “Can I ask you something?”

“Ah! A new recruit!” said Granny Smith. She walked forward and slapped Twilight on the back, causing her to stumble. “Ah like you already! How’d you like to help us destroy those pear seditionists?”

“What?” asked Twilight. “What pear seditionists?”

“Does nobody watch the news anymore?!” yelled Granny Smith. “We’re at war, girl!” She turned and looked at Caramel. “Private Cannon Fodder! You handle the orientation! Ah’m gonna do a little recon on our enemy!” She hobbled off, leaving Twilight and Caramel alone.

“What is going on?” asked Twilight.

“Trust me, it’s easier just to go along with it,” muttered Caramel. He sighed and said, “Jesus. Am I crazy or-”

“Yes,” interrupted Twilight.

“Or IS ThIS HappENING?” yelled Caramel. He sighed and said, “First that weird guy comes and makes the pigs fly and then everybody starts acting nuts. What is going on?”

“You…you seem remarkably-” began Twilight.

“Sane?” interrupted Caramel. He chuckled and said, “Believe it or not, I think all the crazy shit out here…” He gestured to the orchard, “Is pushing out all the crazy shit up here.” He pointed to his head.

“Well, it’s nice to have someone else normal to talk to,” said Twilight. “I need to find Applejack. Have you seen her?”

Caramel pointed to the barn several yards away. “She went over there with a basket of apples. She seemed a little depressed.”

“Don’t worry,” said Twilight. “I’m here to help her.”

“Well, good luck,” said Caramel. “I’m going to go AWOL before Captain Smith makes me clean the latrines with my own toothbrush…again.” He turned around, but paused. He turned back to Twilight and said, “Hey…this sounds weird, but…have you seen any equal signs?”

“Equal signs?” asked Twilight. “No…at least not outside of an equation. Why?”

Caramel shook his head. “I don’t know…everything’s all fuzzy. I remember getting arrested during high school…and then getting released…and then nothing until Mac found me and brought me here. But between that is just an image of an equal sign. I get a bad feeling when I remember it.”

“Huh…I don’t know,” said Twilight.

“PRIVATE! WHERE’S MAH RECON SHOTGUN?” yelled Granny Smith’s voice.

“Shit!” said Caramel. He took off running, leaving Twilight alone.

“Equal signs…” muttered Twilight. She shook her head. “I don’t have time to worry about that. I need to find Applejack!” She quickly ran towards the barn Caramel had indicated.

As Twilight got closer to the barn, she heard crunching coming from inside. She approached the barn door and knocked. “Applejack?” she called. “It’s Twilight. Can we talk?”

There was a pause. After a few moments, the door opened just wide enough for Applejack to poke her head out. “What do ya want?” she asked, apple juice around her mouth.

“Applejack, I’m here to talk,” said Twilight. “I know you’re feeling angry, but Discord’s trying to tear us apart. We need to-”

“Ah don’t know why you think Discord’s botherin’ me,” said Applejack. “All he said to me was that mah ‘love’ of apples would cause ya’ll to abandon me for more interestin’ friends. But Ah don’t like apples at all! No sir!”

“…Applejack,” said Twilight. “Caramel said you came up here with a basket of apples. You literally have apple juice around your mouth.”

“Ah…Ah don’t…” stuttered Applejack. She sighed and said, “Fine.” She threw open the barn door and Twilight could see dozens of apple cores littering the ground. “Ah love apples, alright?!” said Applejack. “Just get yer teasin’ done quick so you can find a better friend.”

“Applejack,” said Twilight gently, “I don’t want a new friend. I want my old ones back.”

“And Ah suppose Ah was the last one you visited, right?” asked Applejack, wiping the juice off her mouth.

“Actually, you were the first,” said Twilight. “…Aside from Pinkie, but that’s only because Spike dragged her back to the library.”

“…Really?” asked Applejack, a hopeful tone in her voice. She shook her head and said, “Well, Ah bet you just need me to beat Discord. Why else would you want a pony that obsesses over something stupid like apples?”

“Because you’re my friend,” said Twilight. “A friend that just so happens to love apples. Just like Rarity loves fashion or Rainbow Dash loves flying or I love books.” She sighed and said, “Look, I’m sorry if we ever made you feel like you weren’t important. Truth is, you’re one of the ponies I can count on the most.”

“Yeah right,” said Applejack. “Name one time.”

“How about when Pinkie, Spike, and I went off to rescue Fluttershy from that Hydra?” suggested Twilight. “You didn’t have to help, but you followed us anyway. And when we were in Appaloosa, you and Rainbow Dash were the only ones who weren’t busy obsessing over your gorgeous…gorgeous cousin.” Twilight paused. “…Do you have his number? I’m…uh…just asking.”

“Is there a point to this?” asked Applejack.

“The point,” continued Twilight, “Is that you focused on the real issue between the settlers and the buffalo tribe. You focused on the task at hand and got the job done. I know that, no matter what, we can always count on you. So…can you trust us not to abandon you? We’re your friends, Applejack. We would never do that to you.”

“…What if you change your mind?” asked Applejack.

“I won’t,” said Twilight. “I promise.”

Applejack stared at Twilight for a second. She closed her eyes and smiled. “Ah’ve been a real jackass, huh? Ah let that asshole get in mah head and trick me. Well, that’s over.” She opened her eyes and grinned at Twilight, “Let’s go kick the shit outta Discord.”

Twilight smiled and said, “That’s the plan. But we need to get the others first.”

“Sounds good to me,” said Applejack. “Who are we gettin' next?”

A few minutes later:

“I don’t know, Twilight,” said Fluttershy, sitting on the couch in her living room. “Wouldn’t fighting Discord require…fighting?”

Twilight slapped her hoof against her own forehead. “Yes, that is the general idea, Fluttershy.”

“Oh…I don’t know…” said Fluttershy slowly. “Wouldn’t it just be better for me to stay here and quietly hide under my bed?” Her eyes widened and she quickly said, “U-unless you don’t like that idea! I can be loud too!”

“Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “What’s going on? Why are you so concerned with what we think about you?”

“…W-well…” began Fluttershy, “What if I get angry and you don’t want to be my friend anymore? What if I get too quiet and you don’t want to be my friend anymore?” She gasped and said, “What if you already don’t want to-”

“Sugarcube,” said Applejack, “If any of that bothered us, don’t you think we would have done somethin’ by now?”

“I…I don’t…” began Fluttershy. “B-but Discord said that-”

“Discord is a Grade A assface,” said Applejack. “He’s been lyin’ to all of us so he can tear us apart.”

“So…you guys aren’t worried about me being too quiet or too angry?” asked Fluttershy.

“So you get a little angry,” said Twilight. “So what? I incinerated a Hydra because Pinkie annoyed me.”

“And you make yourself be heard whenever you got somethin’ important to say,” said Applejack. “Remember when you yelled at that dragon? You didn’t worry about bein’ too angry or too quiet then. You stood up for all of us.”

“Well…yeah,” said Fluttershy. “But-”

“Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “Rather than worry about what everybody thinks, why don’t you just be yourself?”

“Be myself?” asked Fluttershy. “But…I’m-”

“Your fine the way you are, Sugarcube,” said Applejack. “Ah promise.”

Fluttershy was silent for a second. “…You…you both mean that?”

“Absolutely,” said Twilight.

Fluttershy sniffed and her eyes got watery. “In that case…can we do something?”

“What do you want to do?” asked Applejack.

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “Let’s go kill that motherfucker Discord,” she growled.

“That’s our girl,” said Applejack as Twilight smiled.

A few minutes later:

“Rarity…” said Twilight as she, Applejack, and Fluttershy stared wide-eyed at the scene in front of them. “What are you doing?”

Rarity was standing in front of a massive pile of her dresses. Her horn glowed blue as a book of matches floated in front of her. Her eye twitched as she gave a toothy grin to the other ponies. “Don’t worry, girls. I’ll never become successful if I don’t have any dresses to sell.” She gasped and said, “Maybe I’ll burn down the boutique too! I’ll be extra sure that I’ll stay in Ponyville!”

Twilight quickly used her own magic to wrest the matches out of Rarity’s grip. “Is that what Discord told you? That we’ll stop being friends if you become successful?”

“If I become successful,” said Rarity, her horn glowing brighter as she attempted to get the matches back. “Fortunately, I’m taking steps to ensure that will never happen.”

“By ruinin’ your career?” asked Applejack. “You’ve worked hard on your dresses, Sugarcube. You really want to destroy them?”

“I don’t have a choice!” said Rarity. “I can’t become a success and stay here in Ponyville. It doesn’t work like that!”

“Why not?” asked Fluttershy. “You can have your career and us as friends.”

“But I’ll be busy all the time!” said Rarity, beads of sweat dripping down her forehead as she tried to break Twilight’s magical grip. “I’ll hardly ever see any of you if I’m at fashion shows in Canterlot or Manehattan. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Yes we would,” said Twilight, effortlessly keeping the matches from Rarity. “We’d figure something out. Hell, we’d probably go with you to Canterlot or Manehattan to support you.”

Rarity blinked. “Wait…what?”

Applejack chuckled. “We’re your friends, Sugarcube. Do you really think we’d hate you for doing what you love?”

The blue glow around Rarity’s horn faded as she stared at Applejack. “Well…yes,” she admitted. “You all hated being my models during that fashion show.”

“That’s because we ruined your fashion show by not trusting you,” said Fluttershy. She smiled and said, “If we really didn’t want you to be a success, why would we have made your dress for the Gala? Why would we have agreed to wear the dresses that you designed for us?”

“…I…I don’t know,” admitted Rarity.

“We don’t care where your successes take you, Rarity,” said Twilight. She smiled and said, “It’s enough for us to know that you’re doing what you love to do.”

Rarity stared at all of them for a moment before turning to stare at the pile of dresses behind her. Her horn glowed again and every scrap of clothing flew from the floor to their respective mannequins and hangers. “…I’m an idiot…” muttered Rarity as the last of the dresses was put away.

“No you’re not,” said Fluttershy. “We haven’t been acting any better.”

“It’s Discord’s fault,” said Applejack. “He tricked all of us.”

Rarity nodded as she turned around. “In that case, let’s go stop him.” She smiled at the other three and said, “Together.”

Twilight smiled and said, “Together.” She suddenly frowned and said, “But we’re still missing Rainbow Dash and I have no idea where she is.”

“Well...” said Fluttershy. “I might know where she is.”

“You do?” asked Rarity. “How?”

“Discord made us all feel depressed, right?” asked Fluttershy. “There’s two places Rainbow goes when she’s upset. She’ll either be at the bar, or…”

“…Or what?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy turned to look at her. “Do you still have that cloud-walking spell?”

Later:

Fluttershy set Twilight down on the cloud. Twilight’s jaw dropped as she stared at the large cloud mansion in front of her. “Rainbow Dash’s dad lives here?!” she questioned.

“Yeah,” said Fluttershy, “Pegasus ponies can make anything out of cloud. It’s not that impressive.”

“Then why don’t you live in a cloud mansion?” asked Twilight.

“Are there animals in the sky?” asked Fluttershy.

“…Probably not,” replied Twilight.

“Well, there you go,” said Fluttershy. She walked up the steps and knocked on the front door.

The door opened and Rainbow Dash’s father, Rainbow Blaze, opened the door. “Fluttercry!” he greeted. “I haven’t seen you in years!”

Fluttershy blushed and said, “It’s actually Fluttershy, Mr. Blaze.”

“What was that, Fluttersty?” asked Rainbow Blaze.

Fluttershy sighed and said, “Nothing, Mr. Blaze. Is Rainbow Dash here?”

“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen,” said Blaze. He stood aside to let Fluttershy pass. He looked at Twilight and said, “And who might you be?”

“Oh!” said Twilight. She smiled and stepped up to the door. “Hello, Mr. Blaze. My name is Twilight Sparkle. I’m one of Rainbow’s friends.”

“Is that right?” said Blaze. He smiled and said, “Well, let me welcome you into my humble abode. Would you like the tour?” He gave her a wink and said, “We can start with the bedroom.”

Twilight laughed nervously and said, “I-I’m just here for Rainbow Dash, sir.”

Blaze shrugged and stood aside so Twilight could enter the house. Once Twilight had quickly passed him, Blaze shut the door behind her. “She’s in the kitchen. It’s just down the hall.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Twilight. She turned and walked down the hallway.

Blaze’s eyes locked onto Twilight’s retreating backside. “No…thank you…” he muttered, biting his lip.

As Twilight entered the kitchen, the first thing she noticed were the beer bottles littering the floor and counters. She saw Fluttershy near the kitchen table, which was covered in empty bottles. As Twilight walked over, Fluttershy spotted her and pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was sitting at the table with her head down.

“Um…Rainbow Dash?” asked Twilight, poking the pegasus.

“AH!” yelled Rainbow, jerking her head up from the table. She looked around wildly before spotting Twilight and Fluttershy. “Oh! It’sh you guuuys. Wazzup?”

“Rainbow, have you been here this whole time?” asked Twilight.

“Yesh officer, I swear…” muttered Rainbow Dash. She chuckled to herself and grabbed a bottle. She attempted to take a drink, only to realize the bottle was empty. Shrugging, she tossed the bottle behind her, where it fell through the floor of the cloud.

“Rainbow, we need you to help stop Discord,” said Fluttershy.

“Dishcord…Dishcord…” slurred Rainbow Dash. “Ishn’t that Emo Prinzess Luna?”

“That’s Nightmare Moon, Rainbow,” said Twilight. “We’re fighting Discord now.”

“Hmm…” said Rainbow, thinking. Her eyes widened as she realized who they were talking about. “Dishcord! That goat fuck from this morning?! I’ll kill that asshhole!” She paused. “Ash-hole? Asswole? Asshole. Asshole. I’ll kill that asshole. I’ll fuckin’ get ‘em…” She swayed in her seat. “…Why is the room spinning?”

Twilight looked around the kitchen. “So far, it looks like the only thing you’re killing is your liver. Why are you drinking so much?”

Rainbow looked around at all the bottles and then back at Twilight and Fluttershy. “Why have you two been drinking so much?”

“We haven’t been drinking anything, Rainbow,” said Fluttershy.

“Touchy, bitch,” said Rainbow. She paused. “Touchy? Tushie? Too-she? T-T-T…” She shook her head and said, “Right back at ya, bitch.”

“Rainbow Dorothy Dash, why have you been drinking?” asked Fluttershy.

“Fine, Mom,” said Rainbow. She paused. “I…you guys can’t get mad at me…”

“We won’t get mad,” said Twilight. “What did you do?”

“I…I think I might have fucked up…” said Rainbow. “Just a little, I shwear!”

“How did you fuck up, Rainbow?” asked Fluttershy.

“Well…” began Rainbow Dash. “Firsht, I found Dishcord in that maze. I wuz like, ‘Bitch, Imma get you!’ and he wuz like, ‘No, please not in the face!’. And then he said some things…” She trailed off.

“What things did he say, Rainbow?” questioned Twilight.

“He…said that you guys wouldn’t be there for me when I needed you most,” answered Rainbow as she struggled to remember. “He said that you wouldn’t understand if I left you to go see if my dad was okay…”

“He threatened your dad?” asked Fluttershy.

Rainbow scoffed, “But when I got here, Dad was fine! That assfuck tricked me…and I fell for it…” Rainbow squirmed in her seat. “I remember thinking that…that he won cuz of me…” She looked at Fluttershy and Twilight and pleaded, “You guys believe me…right? I wouldn’t have just left for nothing…”

“We believe you, Rainbow,” said Twilight. “Discord’s tricked every single one of us.”

“We understand that you were worried about your dad,” said Fluttershy. “We wouldn’t blame you for going to check on him.”

“Thanks guys…” said Rainbow. She squirmed in her seat again. “…AH! I shtill feel guilty! Like I gotta do somethin’ to make up for it.”

“Well,” said Twilight, “You could get up and come with us to fight Discord together. Wiping that smug look off his face might make you feel better.”

“Shounds good to me!” said Rainbow. She jumped out of her seat…and promptly fell face-first to the floor. “Ow…” she muttered.

“…Let’s get you back to normal, huh?” said Twilight. Her horn lit up and a purple glow surrounded Rainbow’s head. After a few moments, the glow disappeared.

Rainbow picked herself off the floor and blinked. “What…what did you just do?” she asked, looking around.

“I looked up a sobriety spell on the way here,” said Twilight. “Does it work okay?”

Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped. “Wait…you…you have a sobriety spell?” she asked. "Like, a spell that will make me sober without giving me a hangover?"

“Um…yes?” replied Twilight.

“I love you,” said Rainbow.

“Um…thank you?” said Twilight hesitantly.

“I mean it,” said Rainbow. “I love you.”

“…Let’s go stop Discord, huh?!” said Twilight, in a high-pitched voice. She quickly grabbed Fluttershy and pushed her out of the kitchen, passing Rainbow Blaze in the process.

Blaze watched the two retreating mares leave and then turned to Rainbow. “Your purple friend has an amazing ass,” he said, raising his hoof.

“Hell yeah, she does!” said Rainbow Dash. She raised her own hoof and gave her father a high-five.

A few minutes later:

Fluttershy set Twilight down in front of the library and landed beside her. “So now that we have everyone together again, how are we going to track down Discord?”

“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, flying above them. “He could be anywhere by now.”

“We’re going to have to look for him,” said Twilight. She gestured towards the library, “The others are inside. Let’s get them and the Elements and start searching.”

The door to library opened and Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie walked out wearing their Elements. Rarity was using her magic to carry the other Elements.

“Discord’s in the middle of the town square,” said Applejack, as Rarity gave the other ponies their Elements.

“How’d you find that out?” asked Twilight, adjusting the Element on her head.

“He sent you a letter!” said Pinkie, handing Twilight a piece of paper.

Twilight looked down at the paper and read aloud, “Dear Pathetic Mess That Was Once Twilight Sparkle. I’m hosting a little soiree in the town square to celebrate my complete and utter domination of Equestria. If you can pull yourself out of your misery, you should stop on by! Be sure to bring your friends. Oops. Forgot. You don’t have any. Hugs and Kisses, Discord. P.S. BYOB. P.P.S. Turn the paper around.” Twilight flipped the paper and read, “MLP FML 2: Chaotic Changes Script.”

“WHAT?!” shrieked Pinkie Pie. “He’s tearing out pages of my script?!”

“We’ll stop him, Pinkie,” said Twilight, giving her the page back. “We need to get to the town square!”

“Hold on…” said Rainbow. She poked at the Element around her neck. “Are you sure this is going to work. From what you told me, it didn’t go so well the last time.”

“Last time we weren’t together,” said Twilight. She turned to face everyone. “Look, I know Discord has been beating us. He’s been one step ahead of us this whole time. But he doesn’t know that we’re friends again. We have the element of surprise on our side this time.”

“We do?” asked Pinkie. “Is that a new Element of Harmony?”

“No Pinkie,” said Twilight. “But it is how we’re going to win. Here’s the plan…”

Later:

Discord hummed to himself as he lounged in his newly made throne. A cracked, golden crown lay crooked on his head and a glass of wine was in his hands. “Ah…” he said to himself. “It’s good to be back in charge.” He looked in front of him, where the ruins of Town Hall lay. “Maybe I’ll turn that eyesore into a statue of me,” he said to himself. He chuckled and said, “Or maybe I’ll have my new subjects build a monument in my honor. Decisions, decisions…” He raised his glass to take a drink.

“Discord!” yelled a voice.

Discord looked up from his glass and saw Twilight standing several feet away, her Element gleaming in the sun. “Well, well, well…” he said, tossing the glass behind him. He stood up from his throne and smiled at her. “Twilight Sparkle! What brings you all the way here? And with that Element of Harmony on your head?”

“I’m here to stop you!” said Twilight.

“You? Stop me?” Discord repeated. He started laughing wildly. As he laughed, he reached up and grabbed the crown from his head. He grabbed it with both hands and ripped it apart like it was made of paper. His laughing died down and he wiped a tear from his eye. “That is a good one. Tell you what!” He snapped his fingers and a plushie of Twilight appeared in his hands. “I set up all sorts of traps for you in case of this very scenario…” To demonstrate, he threw the plushie at the ground in front of Twilight. The second it hit the ground, a bear trap snapped up and decapitated the plushie. Its stuffed head fell to the ground in front of Twilight, staring up at her with blank purple eyes. “But you know what?” said Discord, snapping his fingers again. The bear trap and plushie disappeared in a puff of smoke. “I’m going to give you a chance. Come and show me what you’ve got.”

Twilight slowly took a step forward, expecting another trap. When none came, she sighed in relief and walked up to Discord’s throne. She glared up at the smirking creature.

“What, is it just you?” asked Discord. “You don’t have any more assistants you’d like to throw at me? No more friends to abandon you when you need them most?”

“No,” said Twilight. “It’s just me and you.”

“Hmm…” said Discord. He smirked and said, “Alright then.” He snapped his fingers.

An overwhelming pressure pressed down on Twilight, forcing her to the ground. She felt her breath leave her as her face was pressed into the dirt. She couldn’t muster the energy to scream, let alone move.

Discord snapped his fingers again and the pressure was lifted off of Twilight. She gasped and got back up, her legs shaking.

“You arrogant child,” seethed Discord, a furious expression on his face. “Did you really think that you could beat me? By yourself?!” He reached down and grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck. He lifted her up and forced her to look at the destroyed buildings around them. “I’ve won!” yelled Discord, throwing Twilight back to the ground. “No one can stop me! Not Luna, not Celestia, not your friend with her boring script!” He snapped his fingers and Pinkie’s script appeared in his hands. He threw it down at the ground in front of Twilight. “And you thought you could face me alone?!”

Twilight stood back up, breathing heavily. She glared up at Discord and said, “Yes.”

Discord stared at her, a disbelieving expression on his face. Then he laughed some more. “You really are infuriating; you know that?” he asked through his laughter. He calmed down and said, “But you know what? I want you to give it your best shot. Try and stop me. I promise that I won’t lift a finger to stop you. It’ll make it funnier when you fail.”

“Really?” asked Twilight. “You’ll just let me fight you?”

“I wouldn’t say ‘fight’,” replied Discord. “More like ‘flail impotently’. But whatever floats your boat.”

Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. A bright white light shone from the Element of Magic, enveloping Twilight. She opened her eyes, which glowed white.

Discord rolled his eyes. “Seriously? You know the Elements of Harmony only work when your friends are with you, right? It won’t do anything alone.”

“She ain’t alone,” said a voice.

Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity came walking out from behind buildings. They stopped and stood in a circle around Discord, their own Elements glowing.

“What?!” said Discord, looking around at the determined ponies.

“Remember when I said it was just you and me?” asked Twilight. “I lied.”

“We’re all here to stop you,” said Applejack, as a white glow surrounded her.

“You can’t tear us apart for long,” said Rarity, her Element’s glow covering her.

“We’ll just come back stronger,” said Rainbow, glowing as she flew in the air.

“You won’t hurt anyone else,” said Fluttershy, flying and glowing alongside Rainbow.

“I’m usually all for fun and jokes,” said a glowing Pinkie, an unusually serious expression on her face, “But your idea of it sucks.”

“Sucks? SUCKS?!” yelled Discord. He started floating in the air. Black fire appeared in his hands as he glared at Twilight. “You know what, Twilight Sparkle? I lied too. I’m not giving you a chance to stop me! Now BURN!” Suddenly, something sharp bit into his leg, causing Discord to scream in pain. The fire in his hands disappeared as he looked down to see Spike biting his leg. Spike chuckled sheepishly and let go, falling to the ground.

“And I also didn’t need to throw my assistant at you,” said Twilight as the glow around her and the others became brighter. “He was already sneaking up on you.”

“No…” muttered Discord, his eyes widening. He quickly brought his shaky hands back up and attempted to snap his fingers. “No no no no no no…”

There was an explosion of color as a rainbow burst out of the magic surrounding the ponies. It shot through the air, striking Discord and sending him crashing to the ground.

Discord got back on his feet and stared in horror at himself. There was a cracking noise as his lower body turned to stone. He frantically gazed at his hands, which were being enveloped by stone. “This can’t be happening…” he muttered. He glared at the ponies and yelled, “You think you’ve won?! You’ve already lost! Equestria is doomed, do you hear me?! DOOMED!” He screamed as his face was covered in stone, trapping it in an expression of horror.

Meanwhile, in the Royal Gardens:

Sweetie Belle hissed in anger as her mace snapped in half against the red barrier surrounding Snails. “Equestria is mine!” she squeaked in anger.

“Wrong!” said Snails, his eyes a blazing red. The amulet around his neck bounced against his chest as he walked forward. “Only I will rule Equestria! If you surrender, though, I might make you my queen.”

Sweetie glared at him. “Bitch, I play second fiddle to no one.”

Snails laughed maniacally. “Then prepare TO DIE!” A fireball appeared above his head as he prepared to strike down Sweetie.

The amulet around Snail’s neck suddenly disappeared. The fireball above him and the shield around him fizzled out of existence. The red in his eyes faded until only his normal black eyes remained. “Uh…what just happened?” he asked. “Where are we?”

Sweetie Belle blinked and said, “You don’t remember what happened?”

Snails shook his head, “No. Why?”

Cheerilee and the rest of the class poked their heads out from behind some bushes. “…Yeah,” said Cheerilee, “You two are getting detention.”

“Aw…” groaned Snails and Sweetie.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle:

The door to Luna’s room swung open as Luna’s ears popped back into existence on her head.

“Twilight did it!” said Celestia excitedly.

“Twilight did shit?” repeated Luna, setting her controller down. “What shit?”

Celestia turned to her sister and said, “No, ‘it’. Twilight did ‘it’.”

“Twilight’s Fitbit?” asked Luna. “She has one? That’s surprising. She doesn’t really seem like the type of mare who…um…moves.”

“No,” said Celestia. “Twilight did ‘it’! She freed us!”

“Oh!” said Luna. She rubbed her ears. “Man, I hope these things are hooked up right…” She blinked and looked around. “…Where’s my antique vase?”

Celestia stared at her for a moment. “…Gotta go, bye!” she said as she rushed out of the room.

Back in Ponyville:

Everyone watched as the destroyed buildings repaired themselves. The splintered, broken pieces of wood and glass were lifted up into the air and put together like a jigsaw puzzle. In mere moments, the buildings around them looked brand new.

“We did it!” cheered Twilight. “Everything’s back to the way it was!”

“My script!” said Pinkie, running over and grabbing it. “Finally!” She opened it and began reading.

The others cautiously approached Discord’s statue. They stood in front of it, looking into the scared expression on his face.

“…Anybody got a marker?” asked Rainbow Dash. “We could draw dicks on his face.”

“While that would be funny and completely deserved, we should figure out what to do about him,” said Twilight. “We can’t just leave him here.”

Spike shivered as he looked at Discord’s terrified face. “It’s creepy the way his eyes follow you around.”

“Excellent point, darling,” said Rarity. Her horn glowed blue and a nearby trashcan floated up to Discord’s head. The trashcan was turned upside-down and dropped onto Discord’s head, hiding it from view. “There!” said Rarity, smiling. “Much better.”

“Is there a nearby cliff we could push him off of?” asked Applejack as she glared at the statue.

“I know how to hide a body,” offered Fluttershy.

Twilight looked over at Pinkie and said, “What does your script say we should do?”

Pinkie gave Twilight a surprised look. “You…you want to know what my script says? You don’t think it’s creepy that I know what’s going to happen?”

“No,” said Twilight, smiling at Pinkie, “Because I know I can trust you with it. Now, what does it say?”

“Wow…um…” said Pinkie. She flipped through the pages in her script and stopped at the page she needed. “It says that we just leave the statue here. Princess Luna will come and bring him back to Canterlot.”

“Great!” said Twilight. “Then we don’t need to worry!”

“Aw…” said Applejack. “Ah really wanted to push him off a cliff…”

Pinkie frowned as she looked over her script. “…Weird…” she muttered.

“What is?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Well…” began Pinkie. “My script is in two different colors. Some of the lines are in black ink, but then some of them switch to red ink. The last script just had black ink.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” said Twilight. She walked over and nudged Pinkie. “I think we’ve earned ourselves a little party, don’t you?”

“A PARTY?!” exclaimed Pinkie, slamming the script shut. “Why didn’t you say so?! I’ll invite everyone in Ponyville!” She put her script in her mouth and ran off.

“W-wait Pinkie!” shouted Twilight as she ran after Pinkie. “I said a little party!”

Everybody ran after the two. In their haste, they all failed to notice the red pen laying in the dirt at the feet of Discord’s statue.

Hours later, at Canterlot Castle:

“LIFT, LIFT, LIFT!” shouted Gung-Ho Guard as he and the other Royal Guards carried Discord’s statue back to the gardens.

“I think I pulled something…” moaned Depressed Guard.

“WIMP,” shouted Gung-Ho Guard.

Princess Celestia watched the Royal Guards carry the statue away with a smile. She turned and said, “Thank you for going to get Discord back from Ponyville. Although…I was a little surprised that you took responsibility for it, Blueblood.”

Prince Blueblood smiled as he bowed to Celestia. “Let’s just say my priorities are now in order, Auntie. I’m just embarrassed that nobody thought to search for you and Aunt Luna.”

“That’s alright, Blueblood,” said Celestia. “You all had to deal with the chaos Discord was causing out here. I don’t blame any of you in the slightest.” She sighed and stretched, her back popping. “This has been one hell of a day. I think I need to unwind in my sex dungeon.”

Blueblood blinked. “Your what?”

“I-I mean…the library!” said Celestia quickly. “Right! That’s…that’s what I meant. Um…keep up the good work, Blueblood!” She quickly turned and ran back into the castle.

Blueblood was silent as he watched her go. After a few moments, he heard another pony walk up to him. “Geoffrey,” he greeted, turning to face the other stallion.

Geoffrey the butler nodded at Prince Blueblood and said, “Does she suspect anything?”

Blueblood smiled and said, “No. As far as Celestia knows, I’m still her whiny nephew.” He frowned and said, “Where are you keeping the real Blueblood, anyway?”

“Somewhere safe,” said Geoffrey. “Once everything is ready, I can finally be rid of him.”

“Good,” said Blueblood. He looked up at the setting sun above him, his eyes flashing green. “Tell the Queen that step one of the plan is underway.”

Geoffrey smirked, his eyes flashing green as well. “She’ll be delighted.”

Twilight Sparkle's "Perfect" Day

Spike poured himself a glass of milk and walked over to the kitchen window. He stared out at Ponyville as its residents stumbled out of their houses and headed for their dead-end jobs.

“Ha,” laughed Spike. “Suckers.” Feeling content, he took a sip from his glass as he watched the early morning commute.

“SPIKE!” screamed Twilight as she rushed downstairs. “WHERE ARE YOU?!”

Spike choked and spat out his milk, spraying it all over the window. “W-what?!” he coughed as he spun around to face her. “What is it?!”

“I haven’t written a letter to Princess Celestia yet!” yelled Twilight. “We need to get started now!”

Spike stared at her. “Twilight…” he began, putting his glass on the counter. “You do realize that you actually haven’t been writing Princess Celestia, right? I think the last time you did was when you complained about only getting two Gala tickets.”

“…Oh yeah,” said Twilight. She laughed and said, “I don’t know what I was thinking. Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” said Spike, wetting a rag. He walked over to the window and began cleaning it. “I almost thought Discord was back again or something.”

Twilight shivered. “No, thank god.” She paused and said, “Although, even though Discord’s trapped again, we probably shouldn’t relax too much.”

“What do you mean?” asked Spike, throwing the dirty rag into the sink.

“Spike, have you noticed that something’s happening almost every day since we’ve moved in?” asked Twilight. “We’ve had Discord, Hydras, Diamond Dogs, Parasprites…”

“So?” asked Spike.

“So that’s not even getting into things like visiting Applejack’s relatives or going to Rainbow’s competition,” said Twilight. “We just need to be prepared in case something happens.”

“That’s a little paranoid, isn’t it?” asked Spike.

Twilight gave him a deadpan look. “Spike, you literally have a zombie apocalypse survival kit hidden in the closet upstairs.”

“That is a legitimate fear and you know it!” argued Spike.

“Whatever you say, Spike,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “In any case, let’s get as much of the library clean as we can. Who knows when one of the others will barge in here with some sort of crisis.”

“I already cleaned the library,” said Spike.

“First we should dust off…” Twilight blinked as she trailed off. She looked back at Spike and asked, “What?”

Spike shuffled his feet embarrassedly. “I…I felt guilty about not knowing where the Elements of Harmony book was during that whole Discord thing, so…I…I cleaned the library while you were sleeping.”

Twilight stared at Spike for a moment before quickly rushing to the next room. She gaped at the spotless room and the gleaming of the freshly cleaned bookcases. Owlowiscious hooted a greeting at her from his perch by the window.

Twilight looked back at Spike and said, “You did this all? On your own?”

Spike’s face took a dark hue and he turned his head. “I-It’s not like I’m trying to impress you or anything!” He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “Baka” under his breath.

Twilight smiled and walked over to Spike. She reached out and pulled him into a tight hug. “Aw…you really are my number one assistant, aren’t you? Thanks Spike.”

“Alright, alright…” said Spike, blushing. “It’s no big deal…” He briefly returned Twilight’s hug before pulling away from her. “A-anyway…do you want some breakfast?”

“Better not,” said Twilight. “We have that picnic later today with the others, remember? There’s going to be a ton of food there.” She looked at the clock on the wall and said, “Speaking of which, we still need to get those cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie said she’d make a fresh batch for us.”

Spike frowned and put a hand over his stomach. “Why do the words ‘Pinkie’ and ‘cupcakes’ put together make me sort of sick to my stomach?”

“I’m sure it’s just your imagination,” said Twilight. “We have plenty of time to go grab them now that we don’t have to clean the library. We should hurry over there and grab them.”

“Wait…” said Spike. “If we have plenty of time, why do we need to hurry?”

Twilight gave him a deadpan look. “Would you trust Pinkie Pie to be alone with freshly-baked dessert?”

“...Alright, good point,” replied Spike.

“I’m going to get ready,” said Twilight. She began walking towards the stairs and said, “We’ll leave as soon as I’m done, ok?”

When Twilight disappeared up the stairs, Spike turned and grinned smugly at Owlowiscious. “Number one assistant,” he said with a big grin.

Owlowiscious rolled his eyes. “Whoo-who-whoo,” he hooted dismissively.

“SHUT UP, DON’T TAKE THIS FROM ME!” screamed Spike.

Later, at Sugarcube Corner:

Pinkie Pie put the box of cupcakes on the counter and said, “There you go! Twelve freshly baked cupcakes made with a very special ingredient!”

Spike looked at the rainbow-colored frosting on the cupcake and asked, “Special ingredient?” He looked up at Pinkie. “What’s the special ingredient?”

Pinkie looked at him and began giggling. “You know, Rainbow Dash asked that same question when the last batch of cupcakes was made.” Her giggling turned malicious as she grabbed a large knife from underneath the counter. “Would you like to know what I told her?” asked Pinkie, her eye twitching as she held the knife in front of Spike.

“Um…” said Spike, backing away.

Pinkie opened a drawer on the counter and carefully put the knife inside. After closing the drawer, she reached over the counter and grabbed Spike, pulling him into a tight hug. “It’s love!” she cheered happily as she spun around with Spike in her arms.

“Oh,” said Spike. He chuckled nervously and said, “W-why did you have a knife?”

“It’s part of my zombie apocalypse survival kit, silly boy!” said Pinkie. “Duh!”

Spike looked over at Twilight and said, “See? Pinkie thinks it’s a good idea.”

“You’re right, Spike,” said Twilight. “Pinkie thinks it’s a good idea.”

“…Shit,” said Spike. “It’s not a good idea at all, is it?”

“Afraid not,” said Twilight. She looked at the rainbow-frosted cupcakes and said, “What’s with the rainbow colors?”

“You know how I said that the special ingredient is love?” asked Pinkie, still squeezing Spike.

“Yes?” said Twilight.

Pinkie walked over to the kitchen door and kicked it open. Twilight and Spike looked inside and saw Scootaloo by the oven, a bowl of rainbow-colored frosting on the counter beside her.

“All you have to do is take a cup of flour add it to the mix…” droned Scootaloo, her unfocused gaze on the oven.

“The special ingredient is also brainwashing,” said Pinkie. “She was going on and on about Rainbow Dash, so I started singing my cupcake song to tune her out and…uh...I guess I sort of brainwashed her?”

Twilight stared at Scootaloo and then at Pinkie. “So how do you un-brainwash her?”

“I got this,” said Spike, wiggling out of Pinkie’s grasp. He cleared his throat and said, “Rainbow Dash sucks.”

“YOU SUCK, YOU STUPID-!” yelled Scootaloo, snapping out of her trance. She blinked and looked around. “Wait…where…where am I?” She looked down at herself. “Who am I?”

“See?” said Spike, shutting the kitchen door. “Problem solved.”

“Hello?” called Scootaloo from the kitchen. “Is anyone there? I’m scared…”

Twilight looked at Pinkie and asked, “Wouldn’t Mr. or Mrs. Cake get upset at you for using hypnotized child labor to make cupcakes?”

“Probably if they were here,” said Pinkie. “But they’re gone. They said something about taking the bun in the oven to the doctor’s office down the road. Oh! And they were going to see the doctor because Mrs. Cake is pregnant.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, “Then are you going to be able to come to the picnic later? If you can’t, maybe we can all come down here to help you with-”

“I’m good,” said Pinkie. “The Cakes should be back from the doctor in a little while. I don’t have anything else going on today, so I’ll be able to make the picnic.”

“Great!” said Twilight. Her horn glowed as she levitated the box of cupcakes. “See you later, Pinkie!” She waved as she and Spike walked out of the bakery.

“Bye!” said Pinkie. She paused and mumbled to herself, “Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?”

“Do I have wings?!” yelled Scootaloo from behind the kitchen door. “What am I?!”

“Oh yeah,” said Pinkie as she turned to face the door. “Should probably fix that…”

Spike looked back at Sugarcube Corner as he and Twilight walked away from it. “I can’t believe Pinkie can just brainwash people by singing.”

“She needs to be more careful,” said Twilight. “Who knows what kind of chaos could happen if she just randomly started brainwashing people.” She looked at the box of cupcakes floating near her head and said, “Come on. Let’s get these things back to the library.”

Back at the library:

Twilight set the box of cupcakes down on the table and then looked up at the clock. “11 o’clock…” she muttered. “Let’s see…the picnic’s at 1 o’clock. That leaves me with two hours to find out what the disaster of the day will be and fix it.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Spike. “What disaster?”

“The disaster that’s bound to come up sometime today, Spike,” said Twilight. “If Pinkie wasn’t having a problem today, then one of the others must be having one. I’ve only got…” She paused and looked at the clock on the wall. “One hour and fifty-eight minutes to find it so it doesn’t ruin the picnic.”

“Ok, ok…” said Spike. “Remember what you said earlier? These sort of things always happen almost every day. Almost. What if today’s one of the days where nothing happens?”

Twilight paused. “…Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right!” said Spike. “So, rather than worrying about it, you can-”

“See the others so I can ensure that nothing happens today!” said Twilight.

“Uh…no,” said Spike. “I-I was gonna say relax for two hours until we have to leave…”

“Spike, you’re a genius!” said Twilight, clearly not listening. She patted Spike’s head and said, “I’ll be back in time for the picnic. Be on the lookout in case any problems happen here, ok? Bye!” She turned and walked out of the library.

Spike sighed. “Whatever…” He looked over at Owlowiscious’s perch and smirked. Pointing at himself, he said, “She thinks I’m a genius.”

Owlowiscious rolled his eyes. “Whoo.”

“YOU CAN’T LET ME HAVE ANYTHING, CAN YOU?!” screamed Spike.

Outside, Twilight walked away from the library and started heading into Ponyville’s marketplace. “Alright, Twilight,” she said to herself, “You just need to find your friends and see if anything’s wrong. You don’t even have to find Pinkie, because you checked in on her earlier. That just leaves the other four to-”

“Who are you talking to?” asked a voice.

Twilight blinked and looked down. Dinky Hooves was staring up at her, a curious expression on her face. “O-oh…uh…myself, I guess. Must seem a little crazy, huh?”

“Have you met the ponies in this town?” asked Dinky. “Talking to yourself is one of the least crazy things around here.”

“Dinky? Who are you talking to?” asked a voice. Derpy Hooves wandered over and smiled as she saw Dinky and Twilight. “Hello Toilet Sparkle! How are you today?”

“It’s Twilight Sparkle, Derpy,” corrected Twilight. “And I’m fine. How are you?”

“Great!” said Derpy. “I just got some great news earlier today!”

“Really?” asked Twilight. “About what?”

Derpy’s eyes widened a bit. “I…uh…what was it, again?” She looked around for a moment before her gaze landed on her daughter. “Dinky! I have great news about Dinky. She’s applying for an enrollment at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!”

“She is?!” said Twilight excitedly. “I went to school there!”

Dinky groaned and said, “Mom…I don’t want to go to some special school. I like being here, in Ponyville.”

“Shh,” shushed Derpy. “We can talk about this later.”

Dinky sighed. “Great…”

“Well,” said Twilight, “I was going to ask if you had any problems or disasters happening, but it looks like you have everything well in hand!”

“What’s a hand?” asked Derpy and Dinky.

Twilight paused. “I…I don’t know.” She shook her head and said, “By the way, have you seen anybody who looks like they’re in trouble? Like they’re dealing with a horrible catastrophe of some kind?”

“OH MY GOD!” yelled a familiar-sounding voice. “I AM DEALING WITH A HORRIBLE CATASTROPHE OF SOME KIND!”

“Hmm…” said Derpy, her face scrunched up in concentration. “I don’t know.”

“HELP! PLEASE!” screamed the voice.

Derpy gasped and said, “Maybe that person who’s screaming knows someone in trouble!”

“Thanks Derpy, I never would have guessed,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. She turned around and started heading towards the direction of the voice.

When Twilight reached the middle of the marketplace, she spotted Rarity. The other unicorn was sobbing and cowering on the ground.

“IT’S AWFUL! TRULY AWFUL!” sobbed Rarity, her mascara running down her face. “WHY WON’T ANY OF YOU HELP ME?!”

“Mom?” asked Ruby Pinch. She pointed at Rarity and asked, “What is that?”

“That’s an undesirable, honey,” said Berry Punch. She glared at Rarity and yelled, “We only associate with decent, moral ponies!” She took a drink from the beer bottle in her hoof and belched.

“Rarity?” asked Twilight as she walked over to the crying unicorn. “What’s the matter? Do you have a problem that could potential turn into a world-ending disaster?”

“YES!” yelled Rarity. Her horn glowed as she levitated Twilight. Rarity ran back to her boutique, dragging Twilight with her. Once on her porch, the glow in Rarity’s horn disappeared and Twilight dropped ungracefully onto Rarity’s front lawn. Twilight got back on her hooves, only to go flying backwards as Rarity tackled her.

“Oh Twilight, it’s awful!” said Rarity, wrapping her arms around Twilight’s body. “I’m so glad you’re here with me! I need you!”

“Um…that’s great Rarity,” said Twilight, who noticed that the passersby around them were staring. “Maybe you could tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll-”

“Shush!” said Rarity, slamming her hoof against Twilight’s lips. “No words could possibly do this…tragedy justice! You need to see it for yourself!” She pulled away from Twilight and walked over to her front door. “I…I hope you’re ready for this…” she muttered.

Twilight walked forward and got into a wide stance, her horn glowing purple. “Ready,” she said, glaring at the front door.

“Alright…” sniffed Rarity. “Just…don’t say I didn’t warn you…” Using her magic, Rarity slowly opened the door.

Twilight jumped inside the boutique, her magic at the ready. Her gaze darted around the room as she tried to locate the cause of Rarity’s distress. At any moment something vile could leap out of the shadows and she would destroy it, solving Rarity’s problem and averting various potential crises.

Nothing happened.

Twilight didn’t waver. She didn’t run or cower. She stood her ground and waited for the monster that must have been in the boutique, causing Rarity undue stress and excessive worry lines.

Still, nothing happened.

The glow in Twilight’s horn faded, but she was still vigilant. It’s not like Rarity brought her in here for something stupid, right? Right?

Several seconds passed.

Twilight looked around the room one more time, but only saw furniture and empty mannequins. “Rarity,” she asked, keeping her eyes forward, “What am I supposed to be-”

“THERE IT IS!” shouted Rarity, knocking Twilight over as she rushed inside the room. She pointed at her fancy-looking couch and said, “Isn’t it terrible?!”

Twilight got up and looked at the couch. Its plush, red cushions and overstuffed purple throw pillow looked extraordinarily comfortable. Other than that, it just looked like a couch to Twilight. She opened her mouth to say that she could see nothing wrong.

“I wanted the sofa over in this corner against the wall,” said Rarity. Her horn glowed and the couch was moved to the corner. “But then I noticed that it looked amazing in front of the window!” Her horn glowed again and the couch moved in front of the window. Rarity turned and looked pleadingly at Twilight. “What do you think? Where does it look best?”

“Wait…a couch?” asked Twilight. “That’s all you’re worried about? I thought you said it could be a world-ending disaster.”

“IT IS!” yelled Rarity. “The position of the sofa could ruin the feng shui of the room. Where the sofa is could affect my creative process, leaving me unable to design new dresses, which would leave without a job!” She sniffed and said, “Eventually, I’ll be left on the streets! Destitute, penniless, unable to contribute to society! People will laugh! People will point! People will say I’m…I’m…unfashionable!” She gagged and shuddered. “Oh…it will be awful…”

Twilight stared at her. “Rarity, the couch looks-”

“Wait!” yelled Rarity. She smacked her hoof against her forehead and said, “Of course! It’s so simple!” Her horn glowed and the couch was lifted to the other side of the room, where it faced the mannequins. “With the sofa there, I’ll be able to look over my designs as I relax. That will increase my creativity tenfold! Twilight, you genius!” She turned and wrapped her arms around Twilight’s neck, pulling her into a suffocating hug. “You’ve single-handedly saved my career! Now I can focus my efforts into creating fabulous new designs!”

“Rarity…” wheezed Twilight, her face turning blue.

“Shush! No time for talking!” said Rarity. She let go of Twilight, who gasped as air rushed back into her lungs. Rarity’s horn glowed and Twilight was magically lifted into the air. “Now is the time for action!” continued Rarity as she towed Twilight towards the front door. She opened the door and set Twilight down on the porch. “I’m going to spend the rest of the day thinking of new designs on my perfectly positioned sofa! Good day to you!” She slammed the door shut, and then opened it again. “And do come by more often, darling. I enjoy our talks.” She slammed the door shut again, leaving Twilight alone.

“What just happened?” asked Twilight to herself.

A few minutes later:

“Alright,” said Twilight to herself as she walked through the town square, “Nothing’s bothering Rarity. That’s good. That means she’s one less pony you have to worry about causing a disaster. Now all you have to do is go find the others. Let’s start with-”

A loud explosion interrupted Twilight’s mutterings. She looked up and saw a rainbow-colored mushroom cloud rise into the air some distance away.

“What the hell was that?!” yelled a random pony.

“Sounded like it came from Sweet Apple Acres!” said another.

“Christ, why do we live here, again?!” asked another.

“Yes, a disaster!” said Twilight. She paused for a second. “I mean…uh…oh no a disaster.” Clearing her throat, she said to herself, “I better go see what’s going on.” Twilight quickly ran in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres and the explosion that happened within it.

Twilight quickly reached the main gate to Sweet Apple Acres. Not stopping, she used her magic to open the gate and run through. “Come on…” she muttered as she looked around. “Where the hell was that?”

A crashing noise got her attention and she turned her head to see an older-looking barn. Suddenly, a blue blur blasted out of the barn, sending splintered wood everywhere. Twilight squinted and made out the form of a familiar-looking blue pegasus flying through the air.

“Whoo!” cheered Rainbow Dash, flipping and spinning in the air. “This is awesome! Nothing can stop m-uuurrrrk!” She choked as a purple glow surrounded her body, stopping her instantly. She was lowered to the ground, where Twilight was waiting for her.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” yelled Twilight, dropping Rainbow on the grass.

Rainbow Dash got back up and brushed the grass off her body. “Breaking Applejack’s old barn. What the hell does it look like I’m doing?”

“Breaking Applejack’s old barn!” yelled Twilight.

“Oh, cool,” said Rainbow.

“Not cool!” yelled Twilight. “Why are you destroying Applejack’s property?”

“Hmm…” said Rainbow, thinking about it. “Well, one, it’s fun. Two, I look badass while doing it. And three, Applejack told me to.”

“Applejack…what?” asked Twilight.

“Hey!” yelled a voice. Twilight and Rainbow Dash turned their heads to see Applejack walking towards them. “What’s the holdup? Ah ain’t payin’ ya to take breaks!”

“You’re not paying me at all,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Oh yeah,” said Applejack. “…Still though.”

“Applejack, why are you having Rainbow Dash destroy your barn?” asked Twilight.

“Ah wanted a new one!” said Applejack.

“What the hell was wrong with this one?” asked Twilight, pointing at the ruins of the barn.

“Wasn’t the right color,” replied Applejack. “Ah want a red barn, not a brown one.”

Twilight stared at her for a second. “…Applejack, you do know you could have just repainted it, right?”

“Yeah…I was actually wondering about that when you asked me to do this,” said Rainbow.

Applejack blinked. “…Fuck,” she muttered, smacking her forehead with her hoof. “Why didn’t Ah just repaint it?”

A few minutes later:

“Alright,” said Twilight as she walked down the path to Fluttershy’s home. “Rainbow Dash is fine and Applejack’s an idiot. Now all I have to do is check on Fluttershy.” She laughed to herself and said, “I’m sure she’s fine. It’s not like one of her animals is going to attack her or anything.”

A loud roar suddenly came from behind Fluttershy’s house, causing Twilight to jump.

“Why do I even say anything?!” asked Twilight as she started running towards the roar. She ran into the clearing at the back of Fluttershy’s home and skidded to a stop. Her jaw dropped as she looked at the scene in front of her.

A large wrestling ring had been set up in the middle of the clearing. Two large grizzly bears were standing in front of Fluttershy, who was calmly standing in the middle of the ring. The pegasus was wearing a black mask adorned with pink and green designs.

“Fluttershy?” asked Twilight. She walked closer to the ring and said, “What are you-?”

A white-furred paw suddenly appeared in front of her and she quickly stopped. Looking down, she saw Angel Bunny, who was wearing a green mask. Angel hopped over to the side of the ring, where a boombox was waiting. He pressed the play button and music started playing.

“Booyaka booyaka! 619!” blared the singer.

The bears lunged at Fluttershy, who quickly moved to the side to avoid them. She kicked out with her back legs, hitting one of the bears in the stomach. As the bear bent over in pain, Fluttershy grabbed its head and placed it between her legs, where she held it in place. She wrapped her arms around the bear’s chest and lifted it up onto her shoulders. Fluttershy quickly sat down, slamming the bear into the ground as she did so. The bear wheezed in pain as it curled up into a ball.

The other bear roared and dove at Fluttershy, who rolled away from it. The bear kept moving forward and crashed into the ropes at the edge of the ring, its arms flopped over the middle rope. Fluttershy got up and ran to the other side of the ring. She bounced off the ropes and started running towards the bear. Her wings spread open as she jumped and grabbed the top and middle rope. She swung through the ropes, which pulled her back towards the bear. Her knees connected with the bear’s head and it stumbled back into the ring. As it fell, Fluttershy rushed forward, grabbed its legs, and pinned it.

Angel tapped the ring ten times. A bell rang and Fluttershy let the bear go. “I’M STILL THE CHAMPION!” she shouted happily. “NONE OF YOU JOBBERS CAN BEAT ME!”

“…What in the fuck is happening?” asked Twilight.

Fluttershy blinked and looked down. “Oh! Hello Twilight. I didn’t see you there.” She climbed out of the ring and walked over. “How are you today?”

“I am…confused,” said Twilight. “Very confused.” She pointed at the ring and said, “What is all of this?”

“Oh! Today’s the championship match between all the animals I take care of,” said Fluttershy. “They can’t hunt like they do in the wild, so they assert their dominance over each other by wrestling.”

“…Okay…” said Twilight, choosing to just accepted that reasoning. “Then why are you participating?”

Fluttershy laughed and said, “Because I’m in charge of this house. I just need to slap them all down once a year to remind them who’s boss.”

Twilight opened her mouth to comment, but shut it when she thought better of it. “Whatever…” she muttered. “So…you’re fine? This wrestling thing is over?”

Fluttershy pulled the mask off her face. “Yep.”

“Your animals aren’t attacking you?” asked Twilight.

“Nope,” said Fluttershy.

“You have no problems whatsoever that I, as your friend, could help you with?” asked Twilight.

“Not that I can think of,” replied Fluttershy. “In fact, the only other thing I have to do today is go on that picnic with everyone.”

“Oh…uh…alright,” said Twilight. “I guess I’ll…see you then?”

“Sure!” said Fluttershy.

There was a pause as the two stared at each other.

“…You’re sure that there’s nothing wrong?” asked Twilight. “Nothing?”

“I’m fine,” said Fluttershy. “But I should be getting ready for the picnic. I’m in charge of the potato salad.”

“Do you need any help with that?” asked Twilight.

“Nope, I’ve got it!” said Fluttershy. She turned and walked towards her house. “I’ll see you, Twilight!”

“Yeah…” said Twilight, watching her go. “See you…I guess…”

A few minutes later:

Twilight walked into the library, shutting the door behind her. “Spike! I’m back!” she called.

“Hey!” said Spike as he walked back into the room. “How was everybody doing? Any problems or disasters that you had to deal with?”

“Nope!” said Twilight happily. “Everyone was fine. I guess I was just worried for nothing.” She chuckled and said, “It was a little silly of me to worry so much, huh?”

“I’ll say,” said Spike. “Anyway, it’s almost time for that picnic. You hungry?”

“Starving,” replied Twilight. “We should probably head over to the park now. Are you ready?”

“Hang on,” said Spike. He ran into the other room and came back with the box of cupcakes in his grasp. “Ready!”

Twilight and Spike left the library and started walking down the path to the park. As they walked, Twilight suddenly giggled to herself.

“What’s so funny?” asked Spike.

“Nothing,” answered Twilight, a big smile on her face. “It’s just…how often does a day like this come around? I mean, what are the odds that none of our friends have any problems we have to deal with?”

“Pretty good actually,” said Spike. “I mean, when you stop to think about it, that is.”

“What do you mean?” asked Twilight.

“I mean…well, look around,” said Spike. He nodded his head towards the groups of ponies around them. “There are tons of ponies in Ponyville. Any one of them are just as likely to have problems as you and the others right?”

“…Right…” said Twilight slowly.

“So any one of them could just as likely be dealing with a world-ending disaster,” said Spike. “The fact that those sort of things always happening to the six of you is pretty lucky when you stop to think about it.”

“It is?” asked Twilight, coming to a stop.

“Yeah,” said Spike. “I mean, just think. Lyra, Bon Bon, Derpy, Doctor Whooves, Vinyl Scratch, the Cutie Mark Crusaders…each and every one of them has an equal chance of stumbling on some monster or something. Not to mention the random ponies we don’t know. Just think of all the problems that could be happening right now that we wouldn’t even know about!” Spike laughed and said, “But that’s just crazy right? We’d have to be pretty paranoid to assume that some poor, innocent bastard will just find something that would destroy the world, right?”

“…Right…” said Twilight, as she looked around at all the ponies around them.

“Anyway, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about,” said Spike. “Not on an empty stomach at least. Let’s go eat!” He started walking away, whistling happily.

Twilight stood still as she looked around at the crowds of ponies around her. “All the problems we don't know about…” she muttered. She gulped and quickly took off after Spike, keeping her eyes on as many ponies as she could in the process.