The Perfect Job

by Discord Fanatic

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Length: 4666

Reformed by Fluttershy, Discord makes mischief in his new job at the Ponyville schoolhouse.

This story is based on the Hypnotists trilogy by Gordon Korman. Sequels may follow.

[spoiler]Fluttershy has succeeded in reforming Discord.[/spoiler] Without his Equestrian fantasy, and with his Chaosville life losing its shine, he has nothing to do but look for work. But when he gets it, it's more than even the master of chaos and disharmony himself bargains for.

Not that he's complaining.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-02 18:57:43 UTC

Part I | Prologue: Chaosvillle

Discord yawned. There was nothing to do but chores, chores, chores. Dusting bunnies, dirtying dishes, everything but the windows. As much as he loved this dimension, it wasn't all that enjoyable without ponies to mess with. Well, that was out of the question; what would Fluttershy say? Besides, he couldn't stand another second imprisoned in stone. With nothing to do, Discord resigned himself to boredom, snapping his eagle claw with a flash of light. In his place resided a gray unicorn, his pony disguise so that he wouldn't terrify everypony. Only his closest friends, the princesses and Elements of Harmony, knew about it.

When he reappeared, he was in the Ponyville library. Though Equestria had a pretty sick sense of entertainment, once in a while he did come across a particularly fascinating read, like the girls' diary, or Unbored by Charlotte Fullerton & M.A. Larson. That was what he was hoping to see. What he wasn't hoping to see was a certain purple pest that was cantering up to him just now with a sour expression on her face, :facehoof: followed by a rainbow of annoyance :rainbowwild:.

Twilight Sparkle's horn glowed a violet aura, and the three of them were surrounded by a large sphere of pink.

"Magical sound bubble," she explained.

"Now spill the beans, Discord!" added Rainbow Dash.

Discord chuckled. "Hello to you too. I'm actually here because I'm bored. Any ideas?"

Twilight sighed. "Oh, well, in that case, you know the pony decimal system, right? Try the 790's."

"Or the YEA's!" piped up Rainbow. The two turned to look at her, and Discord looked over her shoulder to see Bulk Biceps. "The best author of all time, of course!" :rainbowkiss:

"Okay...why are you two here, anyway?"

"Oh, I'm looking for some information on Star Swirl the Bearded, and Rainbow came with me to check out Daring Doo and the Griffon's Goblet again. Oh! I think she meant 'Yearling.'" :twilightsheepish: Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Well duh. Clearly you're still an egghead." :rainbowhuh:

Her horn lit up again, and the sound bubble vanished. Then she headed towards the biographies, Rainbow to fiction, and Discord to search for the 790's.

When he found it, one book in particular caught his eye: a bright yellow hardcover. He levitated it to a bench nearby and read to himself, "'Every Which Way: 100 Ways to Lead an Interesting Life, by L.P. Shimmer.'" Intrigued, he opened up to page one.

Part I | Chapter 2: Mandatory Reference #1

Acting from experience (of a certain incident regarding the Grand Galloping Gala), Discord skipped the mailing process altogether and went to post his resume up on the list serve himself. While there, he took the liberty to swipe a free list of needed applications that he could read back home. But first, he had a stop to take in the garden.

The wings of a dragon and a bird took no effort in his smooth flight upon the highest branch of the one natural thing in his jungle of a backyard: a strong, proud redwood which rose a whopping 375 feet into the air. This was, ironically, the famous thinking tree.

Paying no mind to the bizarre patterns and oddities of his cottage in the background, his thick snake tail curled around the bough as he drifted into thought. And think he did, for Discord could not get his mind off of the vision which had occurred in the castle study yesterday. He couldn't wrap his head around it, but he had a sinking feeling that this wasn't just a disorderly side effect. Why, you ask?

This was far from the first occurrence.

He had kept trying to shrug it off, but throughout his eternal life, his patience had worn thin. This must have been, to little exaggeration, the 400,000th time. He commonly had repeating gags - there were only so many ways to reek disharmony, after all, and he had been doing it for a literal eternity - but that was a few dozen times at minimum. There was something special about this particular...well, whatever it was.

There was no time to dwell on this, however, for a quiver went up Discord's spine (or as much of a spine as can be found on a draconequus). Luckily, he was able to identify this sensation.

Just as Pinkie Pie had a Pinkie sense, Discord had a sort of magical perception of his own, a feature which he liked to call his "disharmonic sense." He preferred not to mention this to anypony, although it sometimes came when he would least prefer. For example, he remembered that he had sensed a magical improvement in Princess Twilight Sparkle :twilightsmile: when he had betrayed the ponies and sided with Tierek. In this case, the prophecy was that the telephone would ring momentarily. One disappointed sigh and a claw snap later, Discord teleported into his living room to wait for the call.

And the call came, no more than fifteen seconds later, the number "1-(766) 772-4665" appeared on the screen of the phone, and Discord's signature cackle (and ringtone) echoed around the room. Upon his floating recliner, his hoof bent down to press the "TALK" button. BEEP!

"Hello," greeted Discord in his most professional-sounding voice. "This is Discord speaking."

A kind voice replied on the end of the line. "Hello, Discord, this is Mrs. Cherilee Pie on the line, talking to you on the behalf of the Ponyville Public Schoolhouse."

"Why, hello, Cherilee. Yes, I've seen you around Ponyville before, I remember now. I didn't know you were a Pie!"

"Not biologically, but yes, it's a little-known secret for those in the know. I guess I would be Pinkie's second-cousin-in-law? :pinkiegasp: Anyways, my colleagues and I noticed your resumé on the career listings, and we've decided to ask you if you would be interested in applying for occupation?"

Trying not to burst into cheers, Discord cleared his throat and responded, "I see. Well, that sounds interesting. And what, specifically, would be the title of said occupation?"

"You see, we are currently in need of a student therapist. Our previous counselor, Mrs. Harshwhinney...well, let's just say she wasn't extremely empathetic with our pupils, and quite frankly, since you're not exactly an...uncommon name in our hometown, I've caught wind of a few of your traits: namely, personality relatable to by youths, persistence, and whatnot. We would appreciate if you would consider application, because we are in urgent need of hiring."

"Um," stammered Discord, hardly daring to believe that his not-so-good name had been taken so seriously so soon, "alright then. Could you send me information and a form? I think my address was on the resumé."

"I do, too, and we'll contact the Pony Express as soon as possible. It should be there in around three days' time."

"Actually," countered Discord, once again recollecting his grudge against the Pony Express mail -mares and -stallions, "I don't really live in a very good location on their route. Chaosville isn't exactly near Pony Express headquarters, you know," he added with a chuckle. "Would you mind if I stopped by tomorrow morning instead?"

"Oh, okay, gotcha. Well, in that case, are you free around 8:00 AM?"

"Eeyup," agreed Bigcord, although Cherilee was blind to the fact that an unusual cross between Discord and Big McIntosh :eeyup: was the recipient. Even if it was only for a few seconds, the allusion still pleased the Discord half.

"Then I guess I'll see you on Monday. Bye!"

"Arrivederci!"

A gentle laugh met him shortly on the other end, before being cut off by static.

Part I | Chapter 3: Your Basic, Average Mare

As agreed, Discord woke up bright and early the next morning. (Yes, 7:45 is bright and early for a deep sleeper like the draconequus species.) He put on his most businesslike suit, and set off for the Ponyville Public Schoolhouse. Not wanting to cause a scene with his teleportation, he appeared in front of the opening doors as his pony counterpart, a handsome gray stallion (if he did say so himself) with a jagged, midnight black streak of a mane. Sparks flew from his horn, giving the illusion that he had used it for a teleportation spell.

Still, the young fillies and colts around him stopped their running to gawk at him. :unsuresweetie: He shrugged his shoulders, feeling a delightful surge of ease at having them. "What?"

A pair of small earth ponies - one pink and one gray - at the head of the crowd snickered, but school life resumed as normal nonetheless. Discord sighed, and followed the last of the students into the building, where they were heading towards the gymnasium to wait for the bell to ring. Contrarily, however, he stealthily turned a corner into what a sign read was the "homeroom hallway." He found the largest room, belonging to Cherilee, and entered.

Hearing the clip-clop of Discord's new hooves, Cheerilee looked up from her paperwork. "Hello," she said, curiously but not unkindly. "Who might you be?"

"It's me, Cheerilee." She jumped at hearing the dark, smooth voice come out of this supposedly unidentified pony. "Discord. But in this form, you can call me 'Twister Drops.' I...I didn't want to give the children a fright, at least before I introduced myself. I do recall that the last and only time they saw me, I was 'a really interesting statue' representing...oh, what was it? Something like 'confusion,' 'evil,' and 'chaos.'" :twistnerd:

She giggled. "I see. Well..." she looked out the door to make sure nopony was there before facing him. "Since you're a unicorn now, would you be able to create a sound bubble? I'd rather this be a, uh, private conversation."

"Oh, okay." He felt a spark inside of him, and his horn lit up. He felt some static. Then, with a burst of sound, the feeling was gone, and the two of them were surrounded in a bubble of pink.

"Alright, er, Twister Drops...first, you need to promise me that everything I tell you in this sound bubble stays between the two of us."

"Cross my heart..." Discord put a hoof to his chest. "...And hope to fly." He sprouted a pair of gray wings, which momentarily vanished. "Stick a cupcake in my eye." A strawberry cinnamon cilantro cupcake popped into his hoof, which he promptly put up to his pupil, ingeniously immune to ill effects. :pinkiesick:

After recovering from a slightly green hue upon catching a whiff of the cupcake, Cheerilee said, "Fine, then. Now that we've gone and done all that, this is going to seem a bit anticlimactic, but we're not considering you for the position, Disc - I mean, Twister Drops."

Discord fought to keep his eyes from turning into green flames, as had happened so many times at the Grand Galloping Gala several moons ago. Instead, he chose to distract himself with the power of curiosity. "Why did you call me in the first place, then?" He said, with a dangerously level voice.

She cleared her throat. "As I was saying," she said, clearly attempting to hide her annoyance, "assuming you want it, you are basically guaranteed the spot."

Twister Hooves blushed, then facehoofed himself for being so childish :facehoof:. "Ahem, yes, okay. But then why did you tell me otherwise?"

"Because of the ESA."

He rolled his eyes, forgetting his professional air. "Of course. It's always the Equestrian Security Agency, isn't it? Cherilee, where do I live?"

"Um, Chaosville. But I'm not sure I see your point."

"And is Chaosville a part of Equestria?"

Cheerilee stared at him, open-mouthed :rainbowderp:, before it was her turn to face-hoof :facehoof:. Repeatedly :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:.

Twister Hooves permitted himself a hoot. "Yeah." When she was done at last, he added, "care to elaborate?"

"You mean on why I'm saying this?" He nodded. "Okay. Look, you have something that nopony else has."

"The song that you definitely shouldn't click here for?"

"Uh..." There was a long and awkward pause. "No, chaos."

"Oh, well, of course!" He chuckled. "That was going to be my second guess."

"Okay, then. Anyways, here's what I need you to do."

Part I | Chapter 4: I'm Ready for School!

Attention! Attention. An emergency has been reported in this building. Please seize operations and utilize the nearest exit or fire exit. Do not use elevators. Repeat: do not use elevators.

Sleepily, Discord stretched and lay a talon on his alarm clock's SMOOZE button. He knew that he needed a bit of drama to wake up so early twice in a row, but the methods his sister was coming up with these days were ever so slightly extravagant in his opinion.

In a blinding flash of white light, Discord was up and dressed in a white turtleneck shirt with a red tie. "Fine!" he bellowed into her room.

Why had he granted her his powers again? He was starting to forget. But there was no use trying to get to sleep again now. He clicked his hooves, and teleported into Cheerilee's classroom, this time in his true form.

This time, she gave only a mild jolt of surprise as Discord appeared instead of Twister Hooves. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?" he asked.

"I - I...yes,I'm sure," replied Cheerilee solemnly, with a hesitant nod. "The bell should ring any second now."

"When's my Q?"

"The teacher's lounge is three rooms to the left. Make yourself comfortable there, and you should be able to hear when I call out for you. Now go; the bell will be ringing any moment now."

She was right. Discord closed the door to the staff lounge, and a chime passed through his ears an instant later. He heard the galloping of eager students for a minute, then all became silent.

"Apple Bloom?"

"Here!" came a filly's country-flared tone :applecry:.

"Button?"

"I'm ready for school!" rasped a colt.

"Diamond Tiara?"

"Present!" replied a rich and snotty voice.

"Featherweight?"

"Here!" exclaimed a mild mutter.

And so it went, until the last student, a filly who Cheerilee had referred to as "Zipporwhill" replied.

"Alright, class," Cheerilee began enthusiastically yet cautiously, "today I have a very special announcement to make. Do all of you remember Miss Harshwhinny?"

An uneasy murmur passed through the classroom at the mention of the strict mare's name. Before it could get too loud, though, Cheerilee interjected, clearly choosing her words carefully, judging by her staccato pace. "Yes, yes, I know that some of you have a bit of a grudge against Mrs. Harshwhinny, but I have some news for you, so please settle down." There was a short pause as the room quieted. "Diamond Tiara's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Rich, have, um, alerted the school board as to your concerns, and we have decided to thank Mrs. Harshwhinny for her efforts and get a bit of new experience going."

"You mean you've fired her, Ms. Cheerilee?" came a gasp of withheld surprise with a lot of spitting :twistnerd:.

"Yes, Twist, in a manner of speaking, we have fired her."

Discord sensed that his time was coming soon, and walked outside the classroom door.

A humongous gasp greeted this revelation, followed by an outburst of cheers, which Cheerilee seemed to be humoring. At last, she continued, "obviously, with Mrs. Harshwhinny gone, we need somepony to fill the position. So, everypony, I would like to introduce our newest counselor, Discord!"

As Discord walked into the room, every single mouth in the room dropped wide open (excluding Cheerilee's, of course), and their eyes grew the size of saucers. Discord ignored the stunned looks he was so used to, however, and focused on his next words.

Part II | Chapter 6: Tiaras are for Cuties

Diamond Tiara always sensed there was something special about her, and sixteen months ago, she had found out what it was. Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Rich had been ecstatic when their little filly had gotten her cutie mark all that time ago. She had boasted to them, and everypony else she knew, about her moment of epiphany when she had realized that her super special talent was getting other ponies to do what she wanted. Oh, if they only knew the full story behind that half-truth. She remembered the moment of epiphany when her mother had taken her aside that very day.

"My Diamond," she had said, "I am thrilled that you are no longer a tiny little...blank flank...like some of your peers. Your cutie mark represents not only your talent, but your maturity. So you need to start thinking about your future."

"What do you mean, mother?"

"Where, for example, will you live when you're a full-grown mare? Your father and I are expecting big things from you, Diamond Tiara, much bigger than Ponyville. Ambassador of Canterlot :trollestia:! Treasurer of Las Pegasus! Mayor of Manehattan :coolphoto:!"

"How can I do that?"

"Well, if I were you, I would start making friends with the right type."

Of course, as happens with families, what Spoiled Rich had meant by the right type was far different from Diamond Tiara's idea of it. She had intended to put the idea of nobles, the upper-class, and ponies with important jobs. Diamond Tiara perceived it as friends with similar abilities and interests who she could mooch off of.

Nevertheless, Diamond Tiara had stuck by her interpretation of making friends with the right type as a principle, and sought to lead them all. In the time to come, she would become besties with her schoolmate Silver Spoon (but never been able to say that phrase three times fast) and even had managed to become close friends with an adult named Octavia Melody. They hung out together on Saturdays in their little club, which they called "Substria."

Diamond Tiara Rich, Silver Spoon Caesar, and Octavia Melody had something very much in common: a secret. They called themselves benders.

If society knew, it would be something more along the lines of magical hypnotists.

But it was only Diamond Tiara and her two second-in-commands, one of which wasn't even present right now. Yet she and Silver Spoon stayed there, miraculously resisting the power of Discord, yet sensing his intentions, as their destinies foretold in their cutie marks. Silver Spoon's told of her privilege of having the ability (disguised, of course, with her rich nature). Octavia's spoke of the seemingly endless spiral her victims fell into when she used the power (concealed with her hobby of playing the cello). And for Diamond Tiara? Well, concealed with her simple persuasiveness, Diamond Tiara's destiny was to master the mind-benders.

So as she peered into the eyes of the draconequus, Diamond Tiara knew that her destiny was to befriend him.

He was the right type.

Part II | Chapter 7: Planning

When Diamond Tiara spied her friend by a circle of dogwoods near the edge of the playground, she breathed a sigh of relief. They only met there when one of them had something really important to tell the other, so this was a sure sign that Silver Spoon had been able to resist as well. She trotted over.

   "Thank Celestia you're okay!" she whispered, lest Discord's new army of fillies and colts overhear them. "Were you able to pick up on it?"

   "Of course I was," the other replied in exasperated gratitude. "You should really stop assuming the worst. It's not healthy!"

   "We need to have an emergency Substria meeting," ordered Diamond Tiara, taking charge. "I'll round up Octie. Meet us at the entrance of town hall half an hour after school."

   Silver Spoon nodded. "Good idea. I'll see you then. In the meantime, we need to blend in."

   "Alright. Let's go tease the Cutie Mark Crusaders."

   As much as the pair disliked being bullies, it was crucial that nopony had the desire to hang out with them.

   "Okay - wait, no! They're going to tell him anything that's bothering him, remember? We could get in big trouble!"

   "You're right. Plus, we need to stay low so that we have as much time as possible before Discord is onto us. Onto us…of course!"

   "What?"

   "I'll explain at the meeting. Act normal, but no teasing. Stay separate."

   "Why - "

   "Too risky. See you at Substria!"

Part I | Chapter 1: Organized Chaos (the Best Kind of Chaos)

It felt harder to move his paw than when he had been imprisoned in stone. Asking help from Princess - he sneered even as he thought the term - Twilight Sparkle? Was this really what his life had come to?

He snapped out of it instantly. I'm reformed now, remember? I have my freedom, and a lovely mare :yay: to share it with. Before he could delay it any longer, Discord's paw jutted out to ring the doorbell.

Twilight soon emerged from the Castle of Friendship, wearing an expression as aghast as when she had first seen him outside of the royal garden maze. "Uh, hey, Discord," she said awkwardly, clearly remembering the incident when Rainbow jumped to conclusions at the library. "What brings you here?"

"Hello, Twilight! If you don't mind, I was wondering if you could" - Discord gagged internally - "possibly help me with something?"

Twilight attempted to turn her bizarre expression into a look of professionalism, but the effort just made it all the more (for lack of a better word) chaotic. Discord chuckled.

"Um, sure! Come on in; let's go to the study."

Discord's cheesy grin of welcome widened, even though Twilight wasn't looking. Her reaction to this, he assured himself, would make it all worthwhile.

***

"So, what do you want me to do?" asked Twilight once they got to the study.

"Well," said Discord, pulling out of his ear a materializing glass.

She groaned. "Please don't tell me we're going where I think we're going with this."

"Glass of water? No. Musical number? Not yet." The draconequus' features twisted into a mockingly mischievous smile. "But anyways, I've been looking through a book I found at the library yesterday. I was reading it in my thinking tree - that's where I do all my really deep thinking - and I said to myself, I said, 'Discord, this book may do wonders to occupy the pony readers, but they never seem to get bored much anyway. What are they doing differently from the King of Chaos in order to pass the time?' Then it hit me: you guys have jobs!"

"Jobs?" echoed the princess.

"Careers, occupations, whatever you youngsters call them nowadays," responded Discord, as his goatee and hair turned gray and he fell back into a rocking chair. It was time to stop beating around the bush and cut to the chase. "The point is, I've decided to get one of my own, and I was wondering if you could be a reference for my resumé." A flash of light came to reveal a parchment almost half as long as one of Twilight's checklists. Twilight set it down on the table and began to read aloud:

Discord

42 Haphazard Way | Chaosville, E. Multiverse 10769 | 1 (800) 347-2673

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

Mayor of Chaosville, January 2013 - present

Approval: Peach Harshwhinney

Everfree cleanup associate, November 2013 - December 2013

Approval: Zecora

Royal adviser to the Princess of Friendship, January 2016 - present

Approval:

"Discord, what are you playing at? You're not my royal adviser!"

"But Twilight -"

The princess cut him off, and turned to him, a silent request for understanding on her face. "No if's, and's, or but's! I'm fine with helping you, but lying is not the way!" Twilight neighed firmly.

All of a sudden, Discord was no longer looking at Twilight Sparkle, but a handsome figure with the head of a pony, an eagle claw, a lion paw, and a snake tail: himself, Discord the draconequus. He was briefly confused, but shook it off. Being a creature of chaos often led to small surprises of the sort.

"Twilight, please, be a good friend and sign the line," asked Discord a final time, seeing that there was no use in debating it any further.

He saw her horn glow with a menacing pink haze and resigned himself to her refusal. Another surprise came, breaking his concentration for a few seconds, and he felt as if he suddenly had lost a few pounds (a near impossible feat for an organism whose main diet consisted of popcorn and cotton candy, even with his arsenal of powers).

He bent down to pick up the scroll, and remembering a manner lesson from Fluttershy, thanked her as she escorted him to the door. He glanced at the scroll and saw that, to his astonishment, her name had been signed! He wasn't sure what had just happened, but he had all the time in the world to think about it when he got home to Chaosville.

Chapter 2 Bonus: Upon My Thinking Tree

This is a musical synopsis of Chapter 2, told from Discord's point of view, set to the tune of the American folk song "On Top of Old Smokey," and inspired by a parody, "On Top of Spaghetti" by Tom Glazer.

Upon my thinking tree,

All covered with leaves,

I pondered how many

Tricks are up my sleeves :trixieshiftright:.

Now, chaos is pleasure,

And welcome surprise,

But when they repeat so,

I question my eyes.

There's no time to dwell, though.

Disharmonic sense

Is tingling. I'm ready

To pitch my talk tent.

I pick up the phone and

It's Miss Cherilee.

She's related to Pinkie

and calling for me!

I've found a career in

Just talking with tots.

It's almost too easy!

My standards all blot.

For the ideas will wither,

Though the chaos won't die,

And I am reformed now.

I hardly know why.

Upon my thinking tree

All covered with leaves,

I pondered how many

Tricks are up my sleeves :trixieshiftleft:.

And there you have it, folks, a draconequus' humorous interpretation of a classic folk song. (Add that to the list of things I never thought I'd say.)

Part I | Chapter 5: It's a Trap!

I: Discord

Discord did not speak these words, nor did he think them. Instead, he felt them, implanting them deep into the children's subconsciouses. He was hypnotising them :applejackconfused:.

Into his mind came the names of each of his victims, as happened whenever multiple ponies were in his control: Twist :twistnerd:. Apple Bloom :applecry:. Snips. Snails. Sweetie Belle :unsuresweetie:. Sunny Daze. Peachy Pie. Scootaloo:scootangel:. Pipsqueak. Featherweight. Rumble. Zipperwholl. Button Mash.

He smiled and went on with his orders.

He allowed himself a moment's glance at Cheerilee, not risking too long in case the connection broke. As expected, she looked extremely perplexed, for she could not sense the words. To prove his worth to her, he added,

"It's working," chorused fourteen voices. All was going as planned.

Wait a minute. Fourteen voices? But he had only heard twelve names! In fact, now that he thought about it, hadn't Cheerilee called fifteen names during role? Who was he missing?

He stopped giving connections and snapped his fingers. He was a ghostly white figure looking out on the classroom, which he could now see. He listened to the roll call and matched up the names.

Apple Bloom :applecry:. Apple Bloom :applecry:.

Button. Probably Button Mash.

Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara :rainbowderp:?