Chapters It was a nice peaceful day in Canterlot, now. Before we go further I should tell you there is a human in Canterlot, he got there through an accident with a portal, basically looking at it he tripped on a rock and fell in.
Anyway, after he got there he befriended two princesses, Celestia and Luna. It has been two years since he got there and still lives in the castle, now this man's name is Anon, he is about 23, with black hair, his blood line was Irish so he has a bit of a drinking problem.
Though that's not what got him in trouble, so here is how it goes.
Princess Celestia and Anon were walking down one of the long ass hallways. Anon asked, "Why do you ponies like big, long, pretty much empty hallways so much?"
Celestia replied. "Well Anon, we just like it, there's really nothing more about it, oh you did say you had big strong horses do what again?"
"Oh right, we used to ride them." Celestia looked him in the eyes and asked.
"You rode them?"
"Oh no, we used to ride them, as in we got on their backs and they ran to our destination. Because let's be frank, you ponies are faster then we are, so were they, and that's why we used them."
"Well, I wonder how that felt, I did wonder why our saddlebags always had some kind of seat on the backs."
"You know you can use a saddle, fly out, and I will ride you, so you can know what it feels like."
"Okay, little bit weird, but okay. How about we try it tonight, we saddle up here and go to a near by field, no pony will see us."
"Sounds like a plan Cele."
That night:
They were in Celestia's room, it was pretty cool, you all know it. Anyways, on her bed was a saddle, it was pretty much brown foe leather with some gold highlights.
This is for all of you who think this will be sex, it won't, this story will not have any of that kind of kinky shit so don't even ask why I didn't have any. Also my Mom said no.
Anon walks in with a big ass 20 gallon white cowboy hat, "Really Anon?" Said Celestia.
"What, they usually wear hats like these, also this was the last hat left." She laughed a bit before he walked over to the bed and looked at the saddle.
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"
At that moment Luna walks up to her door and hears him, "What are they doing?" Whispers Luna.
Celestia replied, "I am sure, it is a bit weird, but let's do it."
"I'm gonna ride you all night, let's get going, we don't wanna wake up Luna do we?"
"Of course not, let's go." Luna heard a teleport spell.
"Oh my, I gotta tell somepony!"
3 days later:
Celestia walked out to her balcony, she looked out into the rising sun, the smell of flowers filled the nose. And the sounds of cameras?
She looked down only to be meet with over 100 news ponies all crowding around the entrance of the castle all talking about the royal rid. All Celestia could say was.
"Mother of me."
Anon ran through the door and asked, "Cele, what on Ear- um, Equestria are they talking about, royal ride. That is clever, but why are they so interested?"
Luna walks in and asks, "So, how did you two sleep last night?" Celestia was a bit confused while Anon face palmed and replied.
"Luna, what did you think we did last night?"
"Well, I assumed each other." They went into a deep red blush.
"Um, actually here's what happened."
1 recap of what has happened later:
"And now we arrive at the present." Celestia was sitting on her bed while Luna realized how much she f**ked up.
"Anon, Celestia, I'm so sorry, I f**ked up. I wish I could do something about it, but nothing will keep those reporters away." Anon was looking out at all the ponies, the pegasi would be flying, but thanks to the new ground law.
No pegasus can fly above 200 ft, alicorn is the exception. Celestia said.
"Anon, we can't leave the castle until this dies down, which from.... past experience, about a month."
"A month?! What about the dinner tonight?!"
"What dinner?" Asked Celestia.
Luna replied, "Oh right, Shining Armor and Cadence are coming over for dinner tonight." Celestia sat on her bed and began to go into deep thoughts.
"Maybe we should leave her alone for awhile, she needs time to think." Said Luna, Anon nodded and they left the room.
2 hours later:
Anon and Luna were sitting in her room, Anon was braiding her mane, sometimes he does that to Celestia, other times like this one, Luna.
"So do you think Celestia will figure out how to fix this?" Asked Anon.
"She will, don't worry, just give her ti-" They heard a knocking at the door.
"Who is it?" Asked Anon.
Celestia replied, "Pizza pony, who do you think?" They chuckled and Anon opened the door.
"Double cheese?"
"Ha ha, now then. I think I know what we should do Anon."
"What's that Cele?"
"We need to camp out in the castle for a week or two, then we make another story for the news ponies to chase."
Anon just looked at her puzzled, "What?! Don't we want to get the spotlight off of us?!"
"Sorry, the other story will be somewhere else, they will flock there and we are free, though the week is so I can think of something that will get them out of here, won't hurt anypony, and maybe funny."
Luna told them, "I can do any outside meetings for you Tia, I hope you two don't prank the guards to badly, because I still have some stuff saved for them." She says with a giant smile.
"Thanks Luna, now lets get to planning!" Said Anon.
It is about 3 hours until dinner with Shining Armor and Cadence, Luna is off at a meeting about what they should do with the money, big fun, big fun. Not.
That left Celestia and Anon alone in her room, Anon asks, "So Cele, got any video games?"
Celestia replied, "I have Pony Fortress 2, it's easy to set up an account."
"I have never heard of that, also first person, or in this case pony shooters aren't my thing."
1 trailer later:
"I have to get that game, how much?!" Asked Anon
"It's free to play, though custom items do cost money." He was already on the laptop he brought with him, because of the Celestia it has a battery with infinite charge.
Now after he found the game and pushed install he read the install time, "3 years ."
All he could say was, "Really?"
"It takes awhile, though it's worth it."
"Like hell, got chess?" Asked Anon. Celestia thought for a minute until she got an idea, she walked over to her door and opened it, there were two guards outside it, she asked them.
"Excuse me, but can one of you go check the storage room for the royal chess set?" One of them nodded and left. She closed the door and started to snicker.
"Why are you about to laugh?" Asked Anon, Celestia walked over to the little closet and opened it, in it under some other games was the chess game she asked the guard to find.
"That guard will search for hours to find it." Anon started to snicker too.
After she put all the pieces of the game on the board he sat down on a cushion in front of black. Celestia with white.
After about 25 turns Anon had little to no pieces, all he had were 2 pawns, a knight, and the king. Celestia crowded his king and said, "Checkmate."
Anon's eye twitched a bit as he said, "I suck at this game, got Dungeons and dragons?"
Celestia replied, "What is that?" He just stared at her for a second.
"Okay we need to make you a character sheet."
4 hours later:
"You come across a old wood chest with gold trimming, the room is made of old stone brick. One mistake would bring it down, what do you do?" Asked Anon.
Celestia thinks for a second, "I will search for traps."
Anon rolls the D20, "17, you find a wire trap, it is attached to a small pin which would of brought the ceiling down."
Celestia had to think about what to do for a second.
"I'll walk over the trap and search around the chest."
Anon rolls the die, "It's a 6, you find nothing."
Celestia was about to say something, but there came a knock at the door. "Come in," Celestia said.
The door opened and Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, and Luna walked in.
"Tia you didn't show up to dinner, we got curious to where you two were," said Luna.
"Sorry sister, but Anon showed me this great game, and well, I guess time slipped by."
Shining Armor asked, "Oh ya I remember this, we played this on guy night 3 weeks ago."
Cadence asked, "How do you play?" Anon just gave her a big smirk.
4 hours later:
"Okay Shining, you and Cadence walk into a bedroom, there is a single bed, the room is made out of gold and the floor quarts. Carved quarts, the sheets are silk, and the mattress will promise you the best sleep of you're lives. What do you do?"
They looked at each other and replied in unison, "We get on the bed." Anon smirked.
Luna asked, "What time is it?"
Celestia replied, "1 am."
Shining Armor asked, "Can we resume this quest next week?"
Spoiler alert:
Anon thinks for a second, "Of course dude, it's just a game, go home. Flurry Heart will be wanting to see you."
End of spoiler:
They got up with some groans and a back pop from Shining Armor. "Thanks Anon, we'll see you all next week," said Cadence. they stepped out of the room and closed the door.
"Well I should go to bed and make sure to watch the dreams and fix the nightmares, good night you two."
"Good night Luna, sleep well," said Anon.
"Sleep well sister."
She nodded and flew out of the room. Leaving Celestia and Anon there, "So, I should go to bed as well, I will not be able to get up before noon, so don't even try."
"Is that a challenge?" Asked Celestia with a wide grin, Anon stepped back a bit.
"Not tonight Cele, I just wanna sleep. Good night."
"Good night." Anon walks out of the room as Celestia climbs onto her bed, she thinks, "I hope this ends soon.... I think I have an idea on how to do it! "
Author's Note
Sorry this chapter is so short, I have had to finish another story, plus I got sick mid way through.
Still a bit sick by the way, will be making more chapters at a quicker pace. I will try at least.
Celestia was right next to Anon's bed, he was sleeping peacefully in the overly cluttered room, he is a horder. I mean there is barly any room to move, though the smell was actually nice.
The only paths are to the door, and closet where he keeps his playbrony mags. She was holding two air horns to each of his ears, the time is 11:58, once it is 12 she would awaken him.
The clock struck 11:59 and she got ready to blow the horns, though just as it struck 11:59 an alarm struck, it sounded like the song "PSY Daddy" (I do not, repeat NOT own that song, nor anyone's usage of it in any music video, please don't sue)
He grabbed his pillow and slapped Celestia in the face, she went down with a small thud. "Nice try, but I am always one step ahead, remember the fake cake day."
She got back to her feet.... ergh hooves? Ya I'm going with that, she got back up to her hooves and used some magic to remove an old burger wrapper from her face.
"You really should clean, this isn't going to get you anypony, any time soon." He waved her off as he put his shirt on. "Besides the failed joke, I think I might have a way to get the reporters off us in a very funny way, for us anyway."
"Alright Cele, you're gonna have ta tell me this with lunch, I'm famished." Anon's stomach growled, she nodded and threw his some slippers with her magic. They hit is face with a small donk.
"Um, ow I think?" He put the pink bunny slippers on, as he put his feet in the made a squishing sound, much like when you put your foot into a wet shoe.
"What was that Anon?" He looked at them and replied in a calm tone.
"I have no idea." He sniffed them and then licked them, "I don't know, but it doesn't stink, nor am I dead, so, meh." Celestia almost barfed.
"Anon that is pure disgusting, blegh."
"Hey, all men do it once in their life." She shivered as she walked out of the room
He silently said, "Got you, lotion has never been funnier, though I could of used it for a better purpose, like rubbing it on my alligator elbows. What? It's you who thought of it in that way!"
5 minutes later, dining room:
Anon walked up to the big ass doors leading to the dining room, he was wearing some 3 day old jeans and a I love tits shirt, basically he got dressed in the dark.
He breathed and thought, "I wonder what Celestia is gonna do? And if I can get some god damn real meat steak! " He started to drool as he entered.
The room was made out of solid quartz just like the rest of the castle, Celestia was on the right of the table filled with assorted vegetables and fruit on it, "damn it ." Luna was on the left eating a carrot, Celestia a carrot cake.
They looked and stared at his shirt, "I love tits? Really?" Asked Luna.
"Shut up, I got dresses in the dark for your info." He sat down next to Celestia and grabbed the big plate of Grapes.
"You do know that we had vegi bacon and regular bacon for you this morning." Celesita said smirking.
"F**k you Cele, I need some god damn coffee, I am grumpy and you two know a grumpy Anon, is a bad Anon."
The waiter used his magic and brought some freshly brewed Manehattan coffee in a plain white mug. Anon nodded and started to add some creme and sugar.
Celestia cleared her throat and said, "Okay so my plan is to put the press all the way to Ponyville. I want to pay Twilight back for the pudding incident, anyway I was thinking that we make it so that she had sex with Rainbow Dash." Anon spat out his coffee and was coughing a bit.
"I think this is pure genius!" Anon said.
"Good, I have everything we need, we can begin tomorrow."
"Why tomorrow?"
"Because Discord is at a monster reform conference today, he'll be back tomorrow morning."
Anon face palmed and started to eat.
The lunch was good, there were salads and fruit, Anon hates salads more then anything else. Though for desert each of them got a mini cake, Celestia got three, Luna talked about how she would get fat if she kept eating those cakes and a fight arose. Anon just sat and watched, but he did take one of Celestia's cakes and hid it under Luna's chair just so he could see what would happen.
After lunch Celestia and Luna headed to the throne room, while Anon went to the bar next to the Royal guard barracks. As per usual it was half full of off duty guards, Anon was a marine before he came to Equestia, so they get along like bronies and ponies. (lol)
the bar was decently sized, not to big, though it has enough room for 10 tables along with a bar and bathroom. Anon walked up to the bar, it was made out of oak, though it had a lot of cuts and dents from friday night drinking, the stool was steel with a slightly torn red seat top.
"I'll take a bottle of Jack Daniels, put it on my tab." The tall 4 and a half foot white unicorn nodded and got to work. Anon sat there and looked around.
There were a few a few guards sitting in off duty, two were verbally fighting. So Anon grabbed his booze and walked over to the fight. The two guards looked exactly the same, white with blue hair, male. "What's the problem here fellas?"
They looked at him, one replied, "Well this guy thinks Luna's other name is Mia, I think it's Lulu. It didn't start as a fight, though now it has, hey do you know what Celestia call's Luna?"
"Ya?" Replied the other guard.
"It's Lulu."
One of them shouted joyfully while the other could only sigh. "You owe me a beer!"
"Ya ya I hear you." Anon asks.
"Is there any other questions?" The guards smirk as they ask question after question after question to Anon for hours.
Author's Note
Sorry this came out SO late, I had a lot on my plate. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter, it might take awhile because I am going to start another story, comedy like this one.
Except with romance, just a tad.
I only got to proofread this once because I needed to get a chapter out so you all wouldn't get bored and leave.
Chapter 4: Another day, another chapter
The time is about 4 pm and Anon is still in the bar, he has been talking/ drinking with the guards, he has a nice buzz going on, though he's not totally wasted.
The first guard's name is Swordsworth, the other one is Jeff. (I got lazy with Jeff's name)
Jeff asks, "So, do the princesses sometimes, you know, fool around? We never see any stallions nor mares enter nor exit, do you know?" Anon laughs a bit.
"Yes, I do have a funny story about that, wanna hear it?" They nodded, "Alright, it was way back, way back when they were teenagers which is quite literally a thousand years ago. They used to party a lot, I mean beer, dudes, sex, the works.
Anyway, Celestia was great at drinking, while Luna was well, I mean well known by the stallions in Canterlot. So one day they both got very drunk, they meant to sleep with their coltfriends, though they slept with each other instead, the next morning they swore to never speak of it again. The only reason I know is because Luna got really, really, really drunk."
The guards just looked at him with their mouths open in shock, "Now that I talked about the princesses a bit, I think you guys owe me a drink or two." They looked at each other, Swordsworth said.
"Bar tender, another round, on me!" Anon and Jeff cheered,
"Now then, I have talked a lot about royalty, how about a bit from my life before I came here?" They nodded, "Alright, one day I decided to take a shower and headed to the shower room. Two girls of private rank smiled at me seductively, I smiled back and entered the shower room.
But what I didn't know was, I didn't go into the guy's locker room, but the girl's locker room." The guards started to snicker, "So I stripped down and started to shower.
After a few minutes I heard two people enter, I assumed they were guys and continued, until I heard them talking, I realized why it looked cleaner then it did last time. Because lets face it guys, the girl's bathroom looks so much better then our bathroom. Once I actually saw a sofa in there.
Anyway, I had to think quickly, so I ran out of the shower and hid behind the nearest locker rack, I had to wait a bit until the girls entered the shower, I saw a bit of tit and pussy, it got me thinking. Anon, there are two very hot girl's showering, what will you do, run away and think what could be, or act?
I had to think for a second, 2 minutes later I busted out of the locker room with my shirt and pants on still trying to put on my left shoe."
Jeff asked, "W-why didn't you watch them?!"
"Because if I got caught I could of been drummed out of the military, or worse, I could of went back to the frontlines where I had already lost my real heart in." They just stared at his chest, Jeff asked.
"Wait, you have a fake heart?!" Anon nodded, "Can I hear?" Anon pulled up his I love tits shirt. The guard planted his ear on his chest. After a minute he stepped back a bit.
"He r-r-really does have a fake heart! Holy crap sir!" Anon laughed a bit,
"Ya, it used to fail on a daily basis meaning there would be moments that I wouldn't be able to breath, but thanks to Celsestia's magic that doesn't happen anymore, I don't have any magic in me my ass Twilight! Enough about that. Any juicy facts about the guard?"
They looked at each other with wide eyes, "Where do we begin?" Anon smirked, just then a messenger walked into the bar and walked over to Anon. the messenger was a purple with a pink mane, she had royal guard armor.
"Mister Anon I presume?"
"No I am the king of tits, ya I'm Anon."
"I have a message from Celestia, shall I read it?"
"Yes, why even ask?"
"Um, Anon, I think I finally found you a mare and-" Anon poured the pint of beer onto the messenger, "What was that for?!"
"Oh sorry, whenever Celestia tries to set me up I just get a bit ticked off. Oh, could you please send another message from me." Anon started to smirk.
Throne room, 5 minutes later:
Celestia was on her throne (you all know it from the opening song) she was signing paperwork with her magic, the messenger walked in with a pint of beer, "Princess Celestia, I have a message from Mr. Anon."
"Proceed."
"Thank you ma'am, he says he isn't interested and that I should pour this pint of beer on you like he did me, I think he is drunk. But should I?"
Celestia had to think for a second, "No you may not, but I would like to have it."
A guard asked, "During work hours princess?"
"Yes, just watch." Celestia took it with her magic, opened the window closest to the bar, and held the pint out with her magic, she looked out and waited for a minute.
Anon and the two guards walked out in a group, she smiled and poured the drink. Everypony in the throne room was watching as it was about to hit Anon.
Bar 15 seconds ago:
Anon, Swordsworth, and Jeff were walking out and laughing their asses off.
"You are a boss, none of us would do that."
"I know, though I am her friend, not her guard. We should drink again, maybe after the next guard we should get really drunk and try to get some tit!" They cheered.
just then Anon looked up and at that moment, he realized he f**ked up. The beer splashed all over his cloths and got the guards a bit, though he was now soaked in beer.
"Next time pour the drink on me yourself you sad little man!" Shouted Celestia, after a second they heard the window close.
"Anon you alr-"
"J-just shut up, I gotta think of another prank, bigger and better. Celestia, you win the battle, though I'll win the war."
Author's Note
I just got on a writing streak, the next chapter will take longer to come out, sorry. Though I will try to do it as soon as I can.
This chapter should be better, I actually read it multiple times.
Thank you all for the support, if you like this story please up vote and follow my page, I could use the followers.
Chapter 5: Time for planning
It's been 1 hour, Anon has showered and got on a black shirt, dark blue jeans, and black crocs. He was lying in his bed, it was red with purple sheets, he was on his laptop.
Don't ask me how it works because, magic? Let's go with that. He was playing War Thunder (great game) until he heard a knocking on his door, "Come in!"
The door opened and Luna walked in, "Anon, Celestia would really like to talk about the plan with you.
Also you need to get back on the treadmill, you need to lose those last 5 pounds."
"Ha ha, tell Celestia I'm busy."
"Doing what? Playing games, come on." He groaned and closed the laptop. He jumped out of the bed and walked with Luna to the Throne room.
On the way they talked a bit about a comeback for Celestia's comment on Luna. It was after Celestia had a lot of cake, "I may eat a lot of cake, but you eat a ton of chocolate compared to me." Anon had a few good ideas which Luna loved.
Now, while Luna was getting Anon, Celestia was gonna play a little trick on Anon. She had one of the chefs pour a crap ton of laxative into his root beer. You gotta love the laxative prank.
Anyway, Celestia was at the head of the table, she was waiting patiently, until she saw the big ass door open a bit letting Anon and Luna enter the room. "Greetings Cele," said Anon.
"Hello Anon, Luna." Luna bowed her head as they each took to their seats. Celestia grinned as she saw Anon start to drink his root beer, "Okay, my plan is to have Twilight and Rainbow Dash go to a retreat which discord will make them do it, he won't watch... hopefully.
They won't remember, but that won't stop the reporter's from breaking down their doors to get the scoop.
What do you think?" Anon just stared at her, he took a big gulp finishing the soda, which made Celestia snicker a bit.
"Well, I think it is a great idea, I really wanna see that." She looks at him with a confused face,
"The plan or the reason the reporters are there?"
"Both, oh and I need more.... uh oh." He jumped out of his chair and started to run, Celestia was grinning so much her face started to hurt, Luna looked at her and asked.
"Laxative?" Celestia replied
"Laxative." They started to laugh.
Now Anon was running down the long hallways towards his room, at his current speed he will hit his human toilet in about 2 minutes, he will only last 30 seconds before all hell breaks loose, "Oh god, oh god, oh god! Celestia why?!" He stopped right next to the royal gardens, he tries to think for a second.
Though his ass pushed him into the gardens, he looked around for a spot to squat. He looked over at a bush. Without thinking he runs to the bush and pulls down his pants exposing his naked ass.
This isn't clop, so no description of his ass here, use your imagination.
His face tightens up as he drops the bomb load.
After 5 minutes he pulled up his pants and looked at the bush, he groaned because it was dead, along with everything else in a 5 yard distance, "Really?!"
A gardener walked near Anon, he was about Granny Smith's age with all brown coat and mane, he took a sniff, after a second he fell down from the smell, Anon ran over to him.
The gardener asked, "What is that infernal smell?" Anon thought for a moment, he got a great idea.
"Well, Celestia was drunk last night and took a giant dump here, sorry my good stallion."
"Ah, more of her drinking, here I thought the dumps here were over."
"Wait, she did it multiple times?!"
"37 last time I checked, 237 if you include vomiting." The gardener got up.
"Damn, she needs to stop, along with her cake eating."
10 minutes later:
Celestia and Luna were still in the dining room, Celestia was eating a fruit salad, Luna was eating a magnificent baked potato with sour cream stuffed in the center. Anon opened the left door, they looked at him, he was sweating and looking very pissed.
"Celestia!!!" She stared at him, "You put laxative in my damn drink! You live.... for now, just note that I have seen pictures of you before the operation!"
Luna looked at her, "What operation?"
"OOHHH SNAP BO-... PRINCESS!"
Celesita just sighed, "Alright Luna, 500 years ago, I was over 400 pounds." She did a spit take spraying water all over her side of the table. "I had my fat sucked out and using magic, I destroyed all the left over fat. I vowed never to speak of it again." Anon was smiling while Luna was holding back some words until.
"I so told you so!! I told you so much! HA I was right!" Celestia dipped her head and sighed.
Author's Note
Sorry guys, my Dad had an extended weekend meaning I couldn't write, cause he is my Dad, teen life is really weird, sorry about that I will try to get back on a weekly basis.
Anon walked to his chair and started to eat his vegi steak, not as good as real steak, but not bad.
After the fiasco they ate some ice cream, Celestia ironically, had nothing, they headed to each of their rooms to play a game Anon brought over from Earth, it was known as War Thunder (Great game, I do not own it nor do I have any rights to it) each of them were at the top tier of each nation.
Anon America.
Luna Russian.
Celestia British.
The rest of the planes are played by some of the royal guards and quite a few pegasi played it. Each were at their top tiers of planes, max upgrades, and they are pro level.
Anon was in his pile of trash he called a room, he shouted over the mic, "Celestia! Go left means go LEFT! Not into a nest of AAA guns!"
"Well you shouldn't be bossing us around like this."
"YOU made me team leader! You told me to make us win! And YOU have to deal with it for 20 more years!"
"Wait, why 20?"
"Really, with how much fast food I eat, I won't make it past 40, though I will die a very happy man."
"That is dark," said Luna.
"Says the princess of the night."
"touche Anon... I just died."
"Noob!" Shouted Anon.
"Do you want me to go over there and kick your ass?"
"Okay, okay, god damn girl, you cray cray."
"Cray cray?"
"Ya I thought it would be cool, though now that I heard it I know it's dumb, sorry."
Celestia said, "And we have won, that is it for me tonight, good night you two." Anon and Luna said at the same time.
"Good night Cele." They heard a bleep meaning she left,
"Anon, I believe it's time for me to go to bed myself, good night."
"Good night Lulu." He heard the bleep and turned his PC off. He laid down and took off his shirt, he didn't have rock hard abs, though he wasn't fat ether, just in between the two. He pulled the covers up and turned off his light, he thought.
"I can't wait for the press to be off of Celesita and I, oh and I hope Discord doesn't look, Twilight and Rainbow Dash would tear him a new one. " His eyes closed as he fell asleep.
The next morning:
Anon was dreaming of killing zombies off with a giant flame thrower, along with Shining Armor trying to help after being sucked into the zombie plague, trying to get back to Equestria.
He starts to open his eyes, he says, "Ough, my f**king back, god damn it hurts, I hate sleeping funny. And why did I call myself Leon? It's a stupid name."
He slowly sat up and gets a sweet back pop, "There we go." The room was almost pitch black, he couldn't see any of his mounds of trash, or as he called it, treasure.
Anon grabbed his robe and got out of bed, his bare, very hairy legs almost gleamed in the fragment of sunlight that illuminated the 1 foot area, he said, "I am gonna cover that later. Damn sun, hurts my skin."
(Am I right or am I right, it does burn just a tad, right? Is that normal or am I just inside to much?)
He heard a knock on the door, "Who the f**k is it?""
"Celestia, with a cup of coffee." He ran over to the door and quickly opened it, Celestia was standing there holding a tall cup of coffee with her magic, along with some cream and sugar.
"Why hello Anon, you need some coffee?" He grabbed them and started to work on his coffee, "Well, while you do that, Discord is already working on our little plan, they are at the resort and ready to, you know."
"I do know, though I am to god damn tired to make a smart comment, nor even talk with that, let me drink this coffee then come back to tell me, or I really won't be anything, but an asshole to you."
He closed the door and leaves Celestia standing there. "Alright, he won't get human bacon today." She starts to walk away with a small smile.
15 minutes later:
Celestia and Luna are in the dining room, need I describe it after 5 chapters? They were having some pancakes, Celestia had only one on her plate with no syrup to prove Luna wrong in the case she will get fat again. Luna on the other hand had a whole mound of them on her plate cover in syrup with whipped cream and a bright red sugar cherry right on top of it.
(Tell me if the cherry made you drool a bit, I am curious)
Anon walked in making a big bang as the giant doors closed. "Where's the food?" They pointed towards his seat, he headed towards it and halfway there he tripped on Luna's hoof, he made a loud bang .
Luna and Celestia snickered, one of the guards ran over to him, "Sir, are you alright?"
"I'm fine, though you might wanna get a doctor for the princess. I don't think she can keep her limbs to herself." She looked up and back at him with a face that would cause almost anyone to have a heart attack.
Anon looked dead at her face and said, "Um guard?"
"Yes sir?"
"Call a medic, I think I am gonna have a heart attack." Just as he finishes he clenches his chest and falls to the ground. The princesses run over to him and kneel down to him, he was groaning and twitching, though he appeared unconscious.
After a minute of silence they started to tear up, until he opened his eyes and he screamed, "GHAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" His shirt exploded with a bunch of red blood, the princesses shrieked as the blood covered their fur. After it all came down they just stared, Anon was starting to laugh.
"Bwhahahahah! I got you, oh my god. I was saving that joke for 3 months, ha ha the looks on your faces! Pure genius right there! Oh by the way this isn't blood, it's tomato juice, good luck on washing it out you two! HA ha!"
Celestia replied, "You, gotta, be, f**king kidding me?! That was horrible!"
"Not for me, 2 years of acting classes finally paid off!"
"You do realize it will take a few DAYS to wash this out?!"
"That is why I used it!" Celestia started to get really mad and she punched him. The punch was so hard he really did pass out.
It has been a few hours, Anon was starting to wake up, he felt the nice soft silk sheets that were on his bed, the air smelled of trash/daisies thanks to his air freshener. As he sat up he noticed he was totally nude, "What! I had cloths on last time I checked."
He heard a shuffle in his pile of trash, he reached for his dresser and pulled out a revolver he brought over, he cocked it and asked, "Who ever you are, walk out slowly, hands, or hooves in the air!" Out of a small pile came a guard, she was wearing the classic gold armor, her mane was dark blue with white stripes. Her eyes were ruby in color, and her fur were light blue (sorry to whoever owns a pony like that).
In a voice much like Fluttershy, except a bit lower said, "D-don't sho-ot please." He lowered his gun and asked.
"What are you doing here? And sorry about the gun, I'm used to something else."
"It's all good sir, but when you were knocked out I was ordered to bring you in and, well take off those cloths before they get stained."
"Okay I guess that makes since I am nude, but why don't I have any other cloths on, you're a unicorn."
She started to blush, "Well, that is a bit embarrassing to talk about."
"Try me?"
She gulped a bit, "Well, you see, I saw your nice body and well, I, I helped myself. Don't worry I never got near you." They both had a bright red blush on their faces.
"Well, you know I wouldn't mind if you did get on me.... so um, this is starting to get awkward." She stepped back a bit,
"Um, should I go sir?"
"N-not if you don't want to. I gotta get up, Shining Armor and Cadence will be here in like 30 minutes." The guard nodded, Anon threw off the covers and the rest is none of your business.
50 minutes later:
Anon was walking towards the throne room, "Wow, that happened, she actually broke my cherry, awesome! I even got her address! EEEE, wait, I shouldn't say that out loud, that would be very weird. "
When he got to the doors, he took a deep breath in, and out, he opened the doors to see Celestia and Luna sitting on the throne while Shining Armor and Cadence were chatting with them.
Now he took a few steps closer and started to wonder if he was dreaming, why? Because Celestia's fur was PINK! Yes pink, her mane and tail still the same, but the fur, I mean all the fur was bight pink.
Anon started to snicker a bit, Celestia yelled, "Don't!" He fell on the floor laughing, he was even crying from laughter. Shining Armor gave in and fell on the floor next to him laughing, Celestia had a deadpan face.
Luna started to snicker, though she calmed herself. Cadence got a bit ticked off because she IS pink, "Why is pink so funny Shining?" He stopped laughing and started to get scared. Anon replied.
"Because pink is a funny color! Ha ha!" Her eye twitched, Cadence used her magic to drag Anon and Shining by the ears out of the throne room, Celestia and Luna could only hear them getting slapped.
Now Celestia and Luna started to smirk. Cadence walked in, "I don't think they will laugh at you anymore." They followed her in and were rubbing their ears.
WARNING, SPOILER, SKIP TO SPOILER END IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE IT
Anon asked, "So, where is Flurry Heart? I thought she would be with you two?" Cadence replied.
"Well, we just wanted to get away for a bit, have dinner here maybe?"
Spoiler end
Anon replies, "That- ow, sounds great, ow." He says rubbing his ear, Celestia says.
"I think dinner is a great idea." Celestia and Luna get up and start to walk out. They make it to the door, Cadence asked, "Shining, Anon, why aren't you following us?"
Anon replies, "Well, we gotta talk a bit, about military stuff."
"Oh okay, don't be to long." The princesses walk out and they hear the door close, they start to laugh, Anon says, "PINK FUR AHHAHHAHAAH!"
They were on the floor laughing their asses off.
5 hours later:
Everypony has ate, Celestia had almost nothing while the rest had giant salads which Anon hated with all of his being. Though he didn't resist eating them because he didn't wanna be an asshole in front of everypony.
After none of them had dessert Shining Armor and Cadence decided to return to the crystal empire and promised Celestia that they could.
WARNING, SPOILER, SKIP TO SPOILER END IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE IT
See little Flurry Heart.
Spoiler end
Anon almost ran towards the bar to go drink with the two guards he met in a previous chapter, Swordsworth and Jeff, right? I think so. Anyway while he did that Celestia decided to talk with Discord a bit about the press trap.
Luna on the other hand decided to go fly a bit, it always cleared her head before she goes to bed.
Now Anon was under 3 shots of Equestrian beer which is basically half of a normal beer, the guards were buzzed while he was almost totally sober.
Unlike us, Equestrians like to make their beer taste like candy, instead of more alcohol.
They were sitting at the bar, Swordsworth finished, "So after this guys saw a stallion and a mare doing it in the showers he jizzed and ran off!" Anon and Swordsworth were laughing while Jeff gave a nervous chuckle.
Jeff replied, "Okay if you thought THAT was embarrassing then wait until I tell you this." Anon started to lean up while Sword asked,
"This sin't the story I think it is, is it?"
"Yup, it is."
"Alright just get it over with. Like a band aid." Jeff grins.
"I peel them off slowly. Here it goes, we were on duty at the time, it was about noon and it was starting to get really hot, especially when you are wearing gold armor.
He asks me if we should go to the ice cream parlor a couple blocks away and get some, just something small. I of course replied we should, while we were walking there he saw a beautiful unicorn, she is known as Fleur de lis, a model."
Anon interjects, "This is gonna be funny I just know it! Keep talking."
"Well, I nudge him to go talk to her, after a couple seconds he obeys and goes to talk with her, after a minute of waiting he walks back with a proud face of somepony who knows he will get laid.
He shows me a piece of paper, I couldn't believe it, I asked his to show it to me. He gave it to me and it said, and I quote.
Sorry, you aren't my type, I prefer stallions with some charm." They started to laugh while Sword took a drink of his beer.
"So Anon, got anymore good stories for us?" Asked Jeff.
"What kind? I got them all."
"What about your first battle Sgt Anon." He drank the rest of his beer.
"I'll take the strongest stuff you got Daff." Daff, the bar tender slides him a small glass of dragon breath, the strongest ale in there. He takes a big ol drink, he slams the glass down and says, "Wow! That is almost as strong as a glass of tequila, another one Daff." Another one slides down.
"Did you go to battle Anon?" Asked Jeff.
Anon replies, "I did, and it is something I don't think the guard is ready to hear." He gulps down his latest glass.
Sword asks, "Why do you think we can't take it?"
"Because you all think the changelings were shocking, that doesn't scratch the art of war on Earth. Humans live, breath, even eat war, we thrive of hate and destruction. People are generally nice, though when it comes down to life or death you will do anything.
I am still haunted by the memories of what happened, the number of brave men and women that died. It does stuff to you. I just gotta ask, are you two sure you are ready for real war, not the stuff here?"
They had to think about it for a second, Sword said, "We are."
Anon took a swig of dragon breath. "You really think I will tell you two about what I saw on the front?! No, no, no, trust me, it's not at all funny. Nor will ether of you would think I am the good man I am today.
How about the funny/sad story on how I broke my cherry? Happened earlier today."
They nodded.
Author's Note
I hope this one is better, I took out the war part, please tell me if there is anything wrong with the story, or how my pace is going, I need to know.
It was a beautiful morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Anon... Wait what the hell is he doing?!
He has his window open, and he has a towel around his waist covering the lower body, minus the feet. He is stretching out, he turns to his room and bends down to pick something up, sadly the towel comes undone and his naked ass is now showing.
Right across the way is Twilight's old house, Moondancer is inside reading a book. She looks up and sees his hairy, naked ass, she passes out on the floor, I'm not even sure she is breathing? Oh god I think she is dead! Oh wait, she is breathing.
He quickly pulls the towel back up and looks at the bullet he picked up, Anon looked out and saw Moondancer lying there, though breathing fine.
"I always knew my ass was way too hot for this land."
He got some cloths on, this time he is wearing a suit, his tie is bright pink, because reasons.
He heard a knock at the door, "Anon, it's Celestia."
He opened the door, she looked very happy, like a filly with candy. She said, "Good news, our little plan worked! The press is on their way to Ponyville, we're free!"
Anon replied, "F-Free?!"
She nodded, "YES!! That is so awesome Cele, my god I can go out now! Time for some ice cream."
He started to walk out until he heard a small sprong, he stopped and asked, "Celestia?"
"Yes?"
"This will hurt won't it?"
She nodded, he looked down and he flew up faster then Rainbow Dash, he even broke the ceiling, She looked through the hole to him flying away.
Discord popped up next to her and he was laughing hard, "I guess he had to somewhere in a hurry." Celestia lost it and started to laugh. Luna walked up to them and asked.
"Sis? Why are you two laughing?"
Celestia replied, "We sent him to the moon!"
She was in shock for a second, then she started to snicker.
Now on the moon Anon was just waking up, "Where the f**k am I- holy s**t! I'm on the moon, hope it isn't for a thousand years."
Back in Equestria things were doing decently, it has been about 30 minutes, Celestia and Luna had a nice quiet breakfast, no pranks, no bad language, and no real talking.
Just, peaceful. Until Luna asked, "Cele?"
"Yes sis?"
"Can Anon breath up there?"
"Of course, there is a big air bubble where you were, remember?"
"Oh ya, did Discord know that?"
She looked up with a worried look, "I don't know if he knows."
They stared at each other for a second, Celestia's horn glowed and in a bright flash Anon popped next to her. They looked and he was frozen, like this entire body looked like it was frost.
Anon's body fell and shattered into a bunch of red ice cubes.They just stared in shock, Luna even passed out.
Now behind the door to the dining room the real Anon was peaking through with Discord, "Thanks for this dude, that was so funny." Said Anon.
"This is better then me sending you to the moon, oh thank you for telling me where Luna was."
"No problem, should I go in there?"
Discord raised a claw and replied, "No, I got a better idea. Just watch and get ready."
"Get ready for what?!"
Discord teleported in, he asked them, "What's wrong?"
The teared up Celestia replied, "Anon's dead, I-I can't believe this."
Discord smiled, "I think I can fix this."
He snapped his claws and all the ice pieces disappeared, in a blink of an eye Anon was teleported in, "See, I undid death."Said Discord.
Celestia and Luna ran up and hugged Anon.
A few minutes of hugs later:
They were all sitting down at the table, even Discord, Celestia said, "Anyway, the moon was a joke, but the part of the press is real! They are gone, I checked and they are in fact at Ponyville. Let's see if Twilight can get herself out of that."
Anon replied, "That is really good, we can finally leave with far fewer press. Oh I just gotta ask you Discord, how exactly did you make them... do it?"
He laughed a bit, "I actually did nothing, they had a bit to much to drink and did it on their own, I just told some newsponies about it."
They all stared at him with open mouths, "Really?" Asked Luna.
"Oh yes, and they seemed like they knew each other very well, if you get what I mean?"
Anon asked, "Wait you watched?!"
"Yes I did, it's weird, but they'll never know."
"Please tell me you recorded it, or if you can let me see it? I need things for the shower."
Celestia and Luna looked at him with deep blushes, "What?! It's not like you two don't do that stuff."
"Of course I recorded it, and it is now in your inbox."
"Thanks dude, I owe you one."
Discord nods and drinks his glass, not the milk, the glass the milk was in.
"Well, I think I am gonna spend my owe, Celestia, I didn't tell the chief to shape your cake into a penis, Anon did."
She gave him a pissed look, "Why would you do that?!"
"It is chaotic my friend."
"You, made, my, cake into a... dick?!"
"I'm gonna run now." He quickly bolts off and Celestia chases after him. Discord looks at you and says.
"Thank you for reading this, if you like this then please show your support and give a thumbs up, have a nice da-"
Luna interrupts him and says, "Discord, you know we can't break the fourth wall, only Pinkie can do that."
He rolls his eyes on to the table and they bounced onto Luna, she freaks out and falls, "I'll let Element take it here."
Author's Note
Thank you Discord, I hope you for reading this, this is the last chapter, if you guys show enough support I might just make a sequel.
Brohoof everypony.
