The Adventures of Crackhead Limestone Pie
The Adventures of Crackhead Limestone Pie
“MANTICORE BLOOD, I HEARD THAT’S GOOD STUFF.”
“I don’t care!” Limestone shouted. “Now are you going to respect our deal and get out of here or are we going to have to get physical?”
The dragon bent his neck down to stare at her. Limestone’s glare didn’t waver. Behind her, Marble quietly gulped and started backing away.
“AND WHY SHOULD I RESPECT YOUR SO-CALLED DEAL?”
“I did not just go on an epic quest to track down the Golden Goblet of Manticore Blood Holdingnessification for you to renege on what you agreed!” Limestone’s teeth began to grind. “What are you playing at?”
Barely audible, Marble whimpered. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to antagonize him?”
The dragon leaned closer. “WHY DON’T YOU GO GET ME A MANTICORE AND THEN MAYBE I’LL CONSIDER IT.”
“No. Get out of that cave. This isn’t a negotiation,” Limestone spat. “Unless you want to try my prefered form of negotiation.”
“NEGOTIATION IS POINTLESS.”
“We had a deal! You’d be terrible at business, especially my kind of business.
The dragon laughed. “I THINK YOU’RE JUST SCARED OF MANTICORES.”
“Aren’t you going to ask about my business?” demanded Limestone. “I set you up for that so I could say, ‘kicking flank’ and you left me hanging! Come on, it’s a simple social convention! I didn’t sit through all of my sister’s being nice to ponies classes just for you to completely ignore the concept!”
“YOUR SISTER?” The dragon pointed. “THAT ONE?”
“Who, Marble? No, Pinkie, you idiot! My sister that tries to bring ponies together is Pinkie Pie! Marble’s special talent is making things round, for Celestia’s sake.”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID PINKIE PIE WAS YOUR SISTER TO BEGIN WITH. IN THAT CASE, I’LL LEAVE. I OWE HER FOR MY LAST BIRTHDAY PARTY.” The dragon nodded to them and lumbered away from the cave, taking the goblet with him.
“That was easier. We should remember that for the future,” said Marble as the two of them watched him leave.
“It would have been easier if he just used the cup. I didn’t put arsenic in it for no reason.”
Marble glanced at her with alarm, but at this point Limestone could do little to surprise her. “I...I suppose that’s what he gets for ending a sentence with a preposition.”
Limestone looked at her. “What are you talking about?”
“When he said, ‘you should have said Pinkie Pie was your sister to begin with.’ It’s a sentence that ends with a preposition and it’s not correct grammar.”
“This has nothing to do with why we’re here.” Limestone pointed into the cave. “There’s cocaine in there and I’m going to get it.”
“It’s not really. That’s not a naturally occurring geological substance.”
“I know! I grew up on a rock farm too!”
Marble ducked her head, hiding behind her bangs. “I just don’t think you should go around snorting everything you find.”
“I go around snorting very specific things, thank you very much. It’s how I am how I am.” Limestone spun around towards the cave entrance. “Now if you’re finished, we’re going in there.”
The cave wasn’t very large and they easily located a white, granular substance on one of the walls. Limestone snorted it.
Marble touched her back. “Feel better?”
“No.” Limestone sighed. “But that’s about what I expected. Whatever. Come on. We’ve got a phoenix to shake down.”
The Princess’ bird wasn’t easy to get to. Limestone, however, wasn’t in the business of doing things the easy way. Growing up on a rock farm and being a drug addict will do that to you.
Her habit wasn’t illegal, because she may have been the only pony in Equestria addicted to crack. Mostly, it just made her legendarily irritable.
Coming out of the cave, they made their way down the mountain. It was getting harder and harder to find pseudococaine and it was going to be a long hike out of the wilderness.
They made it to Canterlot as the sun was going down. The timing worked in their favor, as Princess Celestia should be going to bed soon.
“Are you really sure you want to do this?” Marble asked.
“It’s the only way to stop the music.”
“I don’t know about this, Lime. I kind of like the music.”
“Do you want the seaponies to take over?”
“Well, no, but I don’t understand what that has to do-”
“Those idiots have got it coming and we’ve got to stop them and step one of that plan is getting Philomena to reveal to us how to stop the music.”
Limestone started forward, towards the guard post. Marble cast a worried glance at the guards. “How do you even know that the phoenix knows?”
“It’s what that stupid rabbit told me under interrogation.”
“Where did you even learn to speak to animals?”
“Fluttershy was there to interpret.”
“She didn’t mind you talking to Angel like that?”
“Come on, Angel deserves it.”
“Well, okay.” Marble frowned. “But Fluttershy isn’t here. How are you going to do this?”
Limestone eyed the castle gate and the tower where Celestia slept. “Send a smoke signal.”
She glanced at Marble. “That was a joke, since we’re dealing with a phoenix.”
Marble looked away. Limestone rolled her eyes.
The castle was stone, of course. Combustibles weren't easy to find. Limestone could probably set the nearby guards on fire, but that would be pretty inefficient. Besides, she was a crackhead, not a pyromaniac.
Limestone spotted a haywagon near one of the castle walls and trotted over. “This’ll work. If we just strike up a chemical reaction it should blaze up.” She looked around. “We don’t have any chemicals, though. I’m going to go beat up a guard.”
“I don’t know about this, Lime.” Marble reached out a hoof to stop her, but then remembered that there was no stopping Limestone when she was on a mission.
Limestone walked up to the guard post and punched the nearest guard in the face. Shock and surprise was enough that she landed another free shot on his partner.
The Royal Guard was not known for being particularly combat effective.
Limestone jerked the helmet off the closest guard and came back to where Marble was still standing nervously next to the haywagon. By scraping the metal helmet against the castle wall, she managed to get enough sparks to light up the dry hay.
She tossed the helmet over her shoulder. “All right, let’s go.”
Marble followed her back to the guard post where the oncoming Lunar Guards had discovered their comotose counterparts.
There had been a few things Limestone had encountered in her time that she couldn’t destroy with one punch. Mostly, though, between her natural earth pony strength, growing up on a rock farm, pure rage, and cocaine, she was nigh on invulnerable.
Marble glanced back at the now four guards sprawled on the ground as she followed Limestone through the gate. “Did you have to do that?”
“What else did you want me to do?”
“I don’t know. You could have talked to them or something. Maybe they would have just let you through.”
“Not with the fire we set outside.”
“You didn’t have to set the fire.”
“Yes we did.”
Marble gave up and simply followed Limestone into the castle. Neither of them had ever been there before, so it took some trial and error to determine their path.
They eventually reached Celestia’s sleeping chamber. Outside, Limestone punched another two guards, but more quietly this time. The quietest punching she could.
Being Limestone, that didn’t mean a whole lot. When they opened the bedroom door, however, Celestia wasn’t there. The shower was running and it looked like she’d taken off her flowing pastel mane for the night.
“Huh, so it’s fake?” Limestone laughed and grabbed the wig. “Look at this!”
“I don’t think you should do that,” murmured Marble as Limestone danced around with Celestia’s mane trailing behind her.
“Yeah, whatever. We’re here for the bird.” Limestone threw the wig over her shoulder and approached Celestia’s pet phoenix. Philomena stared at her.
“All right bird, tell us how we’re supposed to stop somepony from trying to take a big, egg-shaped boulder from us.”
“I still don’t know why we needed a phoenix,” said Marble. “In fact, why didn’t we ask that dragon? They come from eggs too.”
“Because he was a moron.” Limestone looked at the bird. “You aren’t a moron, are you? You’ll help us?”
Philomena shook her head.
“Why not!?” Limestone screamed. “You think you’re better than us? I’m just asking for help with an egg-shaped rock! I know about rocks and you should know about eggs! This is how things are supposed to work!”
“Are you quite sure?” asked Celestia, poking her bald head out of the bathroom. Water dripped on the floor. She shook her head. “What am I saying? You wouldn’t be in my bedroom in the middle of the night if you didn’t have strong convictions about things.”
“Somepony is trying to get her dirty hooves on my family’s property,” explained Limestone. “She won’t go away. The music is terrible.”
Celestia sighed. “I usually have court hours to resolve disputes like this, you know.”
“I was busy with other things.”
“Like doing drugs?”
“It’s not like I keep it secret, but how did you know?”
“Well, the Equestrian government does have a rather robust surveillance capability,” Celestia reminded her. “And you are certainly a pony of interest.”
“Oh yeah. I’m surprised that system still works. I thought the whole anti-satellite thing in the war had taken care of that.”
Celestia frowned. “Getting back to your problem, have you tried talking?”
“Who talks anymore?” Limestone threw up her hooves. “Even before the crazy new communications technology, that was basically pointless! It never did anything for me.”
“Well, perhaps it’s time to try,” Celestia suggested gently.
“Nope. Thanks for nothing.” Limestone glared at Celestia and Philomena before turning around and stalking out of the room.
“Sorry,” said Marble before following her.
Catching up, Marble asked, “What now?”
“We’re going home,” said Limestone. “We’re going to beat that showpony at her own game. But with a twist.”
“I’m not sure if I’m going to like your explanation.”
“Don’t worry, we’re a rock farm not a jewelry farm. We’re just going to kick her flank.”
“Um…”
“With music.”
Marble frowned. “I’m confused.”
Limestone put on a fierce grin. “So she will be, too.”
They kept going, leaving the castle and heading for home. Marble looked back. “What about the fire?”
“What fire?”
The plan, as it were, took a little while to put together. Fortunately, the artist known as Countess Coloratura was waiting for them when they got back to the rock farm.
“I’m still prepared to buy that egg-shaped rock!” she called. “It would go great in my next show as a prop for my grand entrance. It’s a metaphor for the duality of birth and how hard life can be.”
“Holder’s Boulder is not for sale, like we’ve been telling you!” Limestone shouted. “Now go away or we’ll be forced to take extreme measures.”
“I have to say, that isn’t much of a challenge,” Coloratura said. “Taking things to the extreme is kind of my job.”
“Marble, make us some bowling balls,” said Limestone.
That was easy enough, and pretty soon they even had the lane and pins to go with. Limestone marched out to where Coloratura was standing at the gate. “All right, I’m going to challenge you to a rap battle.”
Coloratura frowned. “Uh, okay. But what does that have to do with bowling?”
Limestone grabbed a rock that looked like a microphone.
“I'm here to crush it with Holder’s Boulder.
You’re twenty? You're lookin’ older.
The rebellious rapper soldier.
With bars that’ll bowl you over.”
Coloratura stared at her and shook her head. “All right. I’m more of a pop star, but I think I can make an exception.
“Hey rock girl, you’ve arrived.
I can tell from how the party just died.
What you do, bring rocks instead of chips?
If anypony tries to eat those we'll get bloody lips!
“It’s bad enough you came and showed your face.
Now I’m going to school you to the beat of this bass.
Farming rocks all day, you're smart as a mouse.
Don't fret, dear, Coloratura’s in the house.”
Limestone threw it back in her face.
“You're right, I need to be smarter.
I can name just one singer washed up in the gutter .
You rolled your verses off the edge.
Now your career is in pieces thanks to my sledge.
“Remember your last album, that huge mistake?
All its copies are saving Holder's Boulder from quakes.
I bought them all, mostly from pity.
No one else would ‘cause your singing is shitty.”
Coloratura evidently hadn’t expected such a fight. She growled and started in on her next set.
“I'm far from the gutter, I'm at my prime.
You, however, barely got a dime.
What do you make on your crummy little farm?
I bet you can't count it, cause you were made in a barn.”
Limestone bashed her face in with a rock.
“Um,” said Marble.
“Yeah,” agreed Limestone. “Thanks for the bowling ball, by the way.”
Author's Note
Relevant
This story was written in collaboration with my followers as a 100th Story Spectacular. Thank you to everyone who contributed.
