TF2: Analysis Anarchy

by ShadowLDrago

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Crossover, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2675

The Novelisation to the TF2 Analysis Anarchy Project. All Credit goes to DrWolf001 and all those involved.

What happens when 9 Analysts get together for a round of Mann vs Machine? You get Pony vs Machine, first of all, but you also get shipping, shenanigans, and explosions. All credit for the original project goes to DrWolf001 and those who worked on it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-21 06:59:23 UTC

Chapter 1

Coal Town, somewhere in the American Deserts, Phantom Horn, dressed as the RED Soldier, was giving an “inspirational” speech to the rest of the RED team.

“Men, these are the facts as I understand them. One, I am the prettiest unicorn! Two! My mane is lustrous and fragrant, and catches the wind perfectly! Therefore, I am going to trot into the forest and pick each and everyone of you maggots an arrangement of flowers, and they will be lovely! Am I making myself clear?!” he roared, looking at the team who looked, less than enthused.

Voice and Gibbontake were facehoofing, Dr Wolf was looking at his notepad, Silver was staring at the middle distance obliviously, Firebrand seemed weirded out, Ink Rose was confused, Eliyora seemed annoyed, well, more than usual, and AnY just looked bored, occasionally taking a drink from his bottle.

“Is, he always like this?” asked the crimson unicorn.

“You get used to it!” sang AnY “Just smile and nod.”

Firebrand nodded slowly, ‘This might take a while.’ he thought.

“Let’s get one thing clear!” yelled Phantom Horn “You are all pretty unicorns-”

“I find that highly offensive.” interrupted Silver Quill.

“But I am the prettiest unicorn!” finished the earth pony with a roll of toilet paper taped onto his forehead. “Did I stutter?! I am the prettiest unicorn! My mane smells like lavender and my horn grants wishes!” said the delusional Soldier. “Is that understood, mag-!”

“Mission begins in 60 seconds.” interrupted the voice of the Administrator. “Get to an upgrade station and prepare for the next wave!” she ordered, it was nearly time for another round of Mann vs Machine, or more accurately in this case, Pony vs Machine.

“Ugh, finally!” said Voice of Reason in a passable imitation of an Australian accent, going to look for a place to snipe from.

“Luna give me strength to not torch Phantom Horn...” muttered Eliyora, the brown unicorn Pyro trotted over to her starting position.

Gibbontake exited, invisible and knife drawn, silent as a mouse, staying near the entrance.

“Oh, very funny, guys.” said Silver Quill, the Heavy having a red bullseye on his chest, not looking in the least bit amused.

Gibbontake ran away, chortling to himself.

Ink had her bat in her mouth, sitting down looking pleased with herself as Doctor Wolf, being healed by Firebrand with the Kritzkrieg walked by.

“Hm?” muttered Firebrand, seeing Ink, and stopped healing the Doctor who didn’t even notice.

“Huttah! Huttah! Huttah! Huttah!” Ink was repeatedly swinging her baseball bat, hitting baseballs while sitting down, eyes closed.

Firebrand simply walked up behind her, and trained his healing beam on her.

“Huh?” Ink’s wings flared out in surprise, turning to see Firebrand.

“Firebrand,” the pegasus started, “Why are you healing me?” if the round had started, she certainly wouldn’t have minded the heal or overheal, but as it was, the round had yet to begin.

“Strategy.” he said simply. “The more I heal someone, the slower they get healed, so if I heal someone who doesn’t need it at the start and build my Uber that way, I can keep the healing at maximum efficiency longer.” he smiled at his teammate.

“Well, OK.” said the rust colored Scout, accepting the explanation. After a few seconds of silence, she rose into the air, spread her wings, and holding her bat out proudly, she proclaimed “Huttah!” in a rather adorable manner.

Later on, the yellow maned medic was walking around, and saw a poster with Twilight with a mad grin and bird’s nest from Lesson Zero with the caption “PRINCESS MOLESTIA’S FAITHFUL STUDENT.” He took one disapproving look at it, growled, and replaced it by an Ace Attorney “Objection!” poster. He smiled in satisfaction. “Gah!” he yelped, jumping in surprise as the blur that was Ink Rose zipped past him and stopped in front of him, on the other end of the poster.

“Oh my gosh, that bugs me too when other people do that!” said Ink, both happy Firebrand had replaced the poster, and annoyed it had been posted in the first place. “I so need to cover them up with my own sprays now.” she giggled, to Firebrand’s own amusement.

“Mission begins in 20 seconds.” the Administrator announced.

Fifteen seconds later, all 9 classes were ready to rumble as the Administrator counted down from five.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1.” and with that, the first wave began.

It was utter madness. Sentry kills, rockets, bullets, scatterguns, flames, backstab, saps, the robots were getting more or less demolished. Eliyora in particular seemed to enjoy torching the robots a little too much, grinning like a madmare.

Voice scoped in, and managed to get a headshot on one of the robots “Standing around like a bloody idiot!” he mocked in a passable Australian accent.

“Was that supposed to be an Australian accent?” asked Gibbontake, holding his Dead Ringer, despite his own French accent not being that much better.

“Metal Giant!” yelled Voice, sounding panicked.

“No, zat is the fat man’s line.” corrected Gibbontake. “What you say is-”

“No, I mean metal giant!” he said, pointing his Sniper Rifle at a Giant Heavy.

“Minemineminemineminemineminemine!” yelled Ink Rose, managing to hit him with a baseball and Mad Milk. All it did was draw the Giant’s attention to her.

“Huh?” asked Ink Rose, confused as to why it had done so little damage, then ran away as soon as it started revving up its minigun with a “Yoursyoursyoursyoursyoursyoursyours!”

On another ledge, Phantom Horn and AnY were bombarding the robots with explosive pills and rockets.

“Man, look at Firebrand.” started AnY “He just hasn’t the necessary level of Germanness.” he told the Soldier. “You got an actual German here but noooo!” he complained, still firing ahead of him.

Phantom Horn glanced at him, ‘Oh boy, here we go again.’ he thought.

“But ‘no’ they said, ‘too cliche’ they said!” the German Demopony continued

Eliyora just finished torching a Robo-Engineer, Pyro and Demo into oblivion with a “Burn, BUUURN!” and a cackle that would have made the Wicked Witch of the West proud as Dr Wolf watched from above, watching his dispenser as Firebrand continued to build Uber on him.

“Note to self, schedule another session with Eli.” said the lupine Engineer as Silver walked by, minigun firing.

“I can’t feel my limbs, but this is awesome!” he said gleefully, mowing down all robots in his path.

“Yo! Gimme some heals, Doc!” said Ink rushing up to Firebrand, she had only 50 health left.

“Oh, uh, sure, ye-yes M’am! Right away M’am!” complied the Medic.

“Thank you!” Ink Rose sang, as she flew away, eventually out of Firebrand’s Medibeam reach.

“Hey, Doctor?” asked Firebrand as the Engineer whacked his Dispenser repeatedly with his Wrench to repair it. “What do you think of Ink?”

Dr Wolf looked at him, not turning around “Miss Rose? I think she’s a sweet girl.” he said somewhat absent mindedly. “Very energetic, very friendly, and she came up with quite a few intriguing ideas about MLP in our latest project.” he said, still whacking his Dispenser. “Why do you ask?”

“Um, what do you think about, her laugh?”

That got the Doctor’s attention “I beg your pardon?” he asked, not sure if he had heard correctly over the sound of the fight, turning around to face Firebrand.

“I dunno, don’t you think she has nice laugh?” he asked, trying to stay casual.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow under his hard hat. “I, suppose.” he said, somewhat caught off guard.

“Gotcha!” giggled Ink happily, having managed to blow up a robot, setting the bomb back to the start.

“Are you feeling alright Firebrand?” asked the lupine Engineer.

“I AM CHARGED!” he yelled, startling the wolf.

Doctor Wolf crossed his arms, frowning a bit “Mister Firebrand, could there be something going on here that you’re not telling me?”

“Do you require healing?!” he yelled, trying to change the subject.

“I have a Dispenser.” the Doctor deadpanned.

“Oh.” said the Medic, feeling somewhat silly. “Carry on.”

The Doctor said nothing, humming in thought.

Closer to the middle of the battlefield, Phantom Horn was firing his rocket launcher while singing a little ditty that went so: “I dunno but I’ve been told, I’m a pretty unicorn!" However, one of his rockets was headed towards Eliyora.

Eliyora turned around, thinking she heard something “Huh?” she found one of Phantom Horn's rockets racing towards her which she quickly airblasted away just in time.

However, the rocket landed near Silver, sending him flying with a Wilhelm Scream.

Over near the “medical area” as it had been dubbed, where the Doctor and Firebrand were stationed, Gibbontake was soon flattened by Silver Quill who had landed on top of him.

“Whoa!” yelled the fiery joker, not having expected that.

“Get your colossal bird butt off of me!” growled the Spy, to which Silver retorted that his plot was nicely proportioned and of pony origin, thank you.

“Shut up!” countered Gibbontake.

Over near the explosive using classes, Eliyora tromped forward, it was clear she was about to explode with rage. Both Phantom Horn and AnY gulped.

“Well, what do you know? Out of ammo! I should probably get some!” and with that, he ran away as fast as he could, leaving Phantom Horn to Eliyora's mercy, or, rather lack of thereof.

Voice Of Reason chuckled to himself, looking through his scope “That’s some shonky business right the- oh, oh, oh man!” he said in shock, dropping the accent, “That’s gotta hurt!” he grinned in amusement, however it soon faded, “Oh, by the ear, really? Oh, oh, no, Eli, don’t put Phantom in the oven! They’ll be putting stuffing in it! Oh, wow, either Phantom must be really flexible, or-” he cut himself off, as his mind processed what he saw. His glasses slipped and his face turned red as his next reaction was his best impersonation of George Takei “Oh my...”

Gibbontake had finally managed to get Silver off of him and walked away, grumbling. AnY walked over, getting in Dispenser range while taking a drink.

“Hey, Brand!” yelled Ink Rose, the Scout flying over to him, startling him.

“Uh, yes Ink?”

“The Mad Milk icon says this is a ‘non-milk substance’. If it’s not milk, then what is it?”

AnY spat out his drink, and started laughing, his mind most likely in the gutter.

Firebrand gave him an unamused glare and said, “Uh, soy. It’s soy.”

“Oh, I get it now. That’s why it gives you health, thanks Brand!” and with that, she left.

“Nicely handled Firebrand.” his tone made is a bit hard to tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

The unicorn just watched Ink leave with a lovestruck smile.

“Hello? Wounded warrior over here.” groaned Silver Quill, unable to move and just out of range of the Dispenser.

“Mister Firebrand?” asked the Doctor, snapping his fingers in his face.

“Ah no! I don’t think she’s cute!” he yelled reflexively.

If the Doctor’s expression was anything to go by, he wasn’t impressed, much less buying it. “Mister Firebrand, let me tell you right now that you’re going to have to work on being a little more honest.” he told him bluntly. “If you keep trying to deny these feelings to others and yourself-”

“Whoa!” yelped Firebrand, a Soldier’s rocket having missed them by centimeters. “Is this really the best time to try and psychoanalyse me Doc?” he asked

“It’s getting dark.” wheezed Silver. “No wait, I had my eyes closed.” he amended, voice normal again.

“Is this really the best time to get into a stupor every time Ink runs past?” retorted Doctor Wolf. “Either we need to focus on the fight at at hand, or I need to help you get a better handle on your feelings.” he was not in the mood to mince words. “Which is it going to be, Mister Firebrand?”

“You tell him Doc!” said Silver, having managed to inch into the range of the Dispenser, which allowed him to get up again.

“Point taken, we’ll talk later.” said the Medic quickly.

“Good stallion.” said the Doctor, putting an arm on his shoulder, only for a Sniper robot to headshot Silver Quill, startling all of them.

“Hm, you know, this could be the head cavity talking but, I’d ship it.” Silver said and collapsed.

“Oh, fudge nuggets, Ink! Can you please get those Snipers?!” snapped Firebrand.

“OK, since you said the P-word.” she said cutely, and went to do just that.

Firebrand just trained his healing beam on Silver “Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...” he muttered to himself repeatedly as the Doctor’s Dispenser started sparking and smoking, much to the Engineer’s annoyance as he repeatedly smacked it, trying to dislodge the sapper, only for it to finish taking down the Dispenser before he could.

A robot Spy decloaked near Firebrand, in position to backstab him.

“Look out!” warned Doctor Wolf.

“Surprise!” said the robot, but before it could do anything else, one of Ink’s baseballs took care of it, followed by Ink herself appearing.

“Oh man, I was so aiming for that Giant, oh well, whee!” and with that, she ran off.

“Are you unharmed, Firebrand?” asked Doctor Wolf.

“Mostly.” said Firebrand dryly.

“Mostly?” asked the confused wolf

“Yeah I think Cupid might have shot me real good there.” he paused, “Yep, he definitely shot me because I just said the most horribly sappy thing I’ve ever said in my entire life.” he said, somewhat deadpan.

“Well then, my advice would be to not put things off too long. Would you be willing to find the time to just go talk to her after this is over, not let things stew until you start having more awkward moments in the middle of the battlefield?” he suggested kindly.

“Y’know, you’re lucky I don’t take genuine questions about my wellbeing as insulting subtexts.” he commented.

“And I’m glad to see that you can keep calm even when discussing something personal.” Doctor Wolf countered calmly.

“Wave completed! Well done!” the voice of the Administrator congratulated them as the team came together to congratulate each other.

“Now’s as good a time as any Firebrand. We have an opportunity before the next wave starts.”

“OK, I’ll do it.” he said, then turned to his friend “Oh, by the way, any last minute tips before I potentially destroy the friend thing Ink and I have going on?” he asked “I’m more of the court jester than prince charming, y’know.” he reminded the only bipedal member of the team.

The wise wolf hummed in thought before saying “I think I could recommend you focus on what you like about her in regards to who she is more than what she is. When you’re searching for a compliment, try talking about her personality or her virtues, rather than any physical traits. But most of all, I think you should follow the very simple advice of a big blue genie.” and in his best Robin Williams impression, said “And remember, beeee, yourself.” he quipped, baaing the ‘be’, with a small grin.

“Hey! Bad reference jokes are my thing.” the unicorn laughed.

“Well then, you must be rubbing off on me.” the wolf joked. “Now stop with the self-deprecating humor and go talk to her before the round starts back up.”

“Okie dokie, artichokie!” said Firebrand, enthusiastically. “Wish me luck.” and with that, he went to go ask out their Scout.

Dr Wolf smiled. He breathed in, then out. “It’s good to be help-” an explosion and a scream interrupted him before he could finish his catchphrase as Phantom Horn rocket jumped away screaming “I AM THE PRETTIEST UNICORN!”

The Doctor stared, worried and dumbfounded as Phantom Horn misaimed and died due to mistiming a rocket on too little health.

Most of the team yelled that he was dead, worried, except for Gibbontake who simply said “I never liked him anyway.”

“Next.” sighed the Doctor.