The end is near. The end of me, being this pony I am now. I can’t be this pony anymore. She’s no good. She isn’t real. She can’t be real. I don’t accept her to be real. I need to take this mask off, but it’s stuck. It’s grown onto me. It’s defended me for all these years. It helped me. It was like a friend or a guardian. But now it’s just stuck on me, and it’s hurting me. I knew it would do that someday. How stupid I was! I didn’t care. Ever. Everything bothered me, but I never cared. And if I don’t change, I probably never will. I need to change. I need to get rid of this new version of me. But I can’t ask friends to do that, or even to help me. All I do is push them away. I’m sure I hurt them some way. And now, everypony hates me.
I really need to get rid of this “me”. As soon as possible. It’s all clear now. I just… can’t… do it....
In a way, I don’t want to. But I just know I need to. Otherwise… I don’t even know what will happen otherwise. Nothing good, I’m sure. Everypony hates me already, and I doubt I will get any better. All I have left of me is my art. And I’m starting to lose that too. Soon, all that will be left is me.
No. I want to change. I need to change. I could try to get help again. But I might blow it, like last time. No. This is my fight. I need to survive this alone. Or with my—
NO!
I need to get rid of it! I can’t use her “support” again! She isn’t me. Or is she? I don’t know anymore. I don’t care. I just need to get rid of her.
Now.
I sat up and tried to kick my face gently.
“No. I can’t do it like … this! I need more power!”
I tried to kick my face harder. With my front hooves, I tried to pull it off. I looked like I was in shock somehow. But I didn’t care. I fell forward and tried to rub my head against the ground. I kicked and punched and flailed my legs everywhere to get it off my face. But it is stuck.
“This isn’t helping… I need more power. Much, much more power.”
But how? I have no idea.
I sat on the ground and sneezed.
Will this be my life, forever?
“Yes. It’s your fault.” Everything started to grow a bit dark.
“You destroyed yourself,” somepony said. “You hurt people you loved. Oh, yes, I forgot, you even hurt your own feelings!” I heard it moving all around me.
“Show yourself!” I yelled when I saw a glimpse of a red face looking me. It smiled.
“It’s you again... why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Because I’m you. I’m your boss, and don’t you forget that! Ever!”
“Buck you! I don’t care!”
“Yeah, like I wouldn’t know you don’t care. Hehe….”
“Buck you!”
“Hey, somepony’s coming. Why don’t you show him some of your ‘kindness’? Heh….”
“No! I just want to be normal!”
“You? Normal? Like that would ever happen. Ha!”
“Shut up!!”
The pony approaching me was walking at a slow pace before he stopped in front of me. Then he started to talk.
“Are you okay? You seem little... sick. You look kinda pale, like you haven’t slept in a while….”
Silence.
“Hello? Are you okay?”
“I… I-I....”
“Take your time.”
“I... I don… it’s none of your business!!”
“Okay, okay, calm down!”
“I-I….” I didn’t bother to finish. I just turned and ran away.
“Ha-ha, good colt!” The shadowy figure returned to laugh at me.
“I’m not good... or a colt….”
“Oh really? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!”
“Stop it….”
This… this isn’t me. Or is it? I... I can’t go on like this! I need to change!
I ran and ran until I tripped and fell to the ground. My vision temporarily swirled. I saw different colored little blurs I guessed must be ponies. Everypony had different colors, and soon, different faces. But everypony looked like they saw straight into my soul. I didn’t say anything. I couldn't. I would end up hurting them. And I can’t hurt little fillies. Or were they colts? I’m not sure, but I couldn’t hurt them. I needed to change, but now, now I needed to do it immediately.
I panicked inside, but outside I was still. I didn’t move. I heard one foal start crying. Another foal started whining in fear. A third one sounded angry. A fourth, disgusted. I would help them, but I’m not that kind of pony. I‘m not good at solving problems. I just make problems. I scanned the area, but I didn’t see anything other than the fillies. One of them walked up to me and put some kind of ball in front of me. It was a little dusty, but it seemed to glow. A second later, the foal also placed a knife on the ground, before me, next to the glowing ball.
“Choose carefully,” one of foals said.
That’s when I knew what was going on. I wasn’t exactly certain, but I thought I could make it out. If this is not what I think, I’m making a mistake. A grave mistake.
If it is, I still could make a big mistake. But I have to take a risk. I don’t have a choice.
Or do I?
I don’t care.
Damn it!
Again….
“I-I…” I tried to say something. I took the knife on my mouth.
“Okay… huh… I go in order of the colors then….” I heard my heart beating. I was starting to panic, but I tried to calm myself down.
“Okay, here I come….”
“Violet is scared. Maybe because of friends or parents.”
"It hurts, it does, so this is how it goes!”
Without warning, I stabbed Violet, the scared foal, right in the throat.
I dug further into her throat to see whether the foal had survived. I stabbed her one last time to ensure. It was done. The foal was really dead.
“Blue is sad. She is crying, but at least she is trying.”
“But it’s pointless! Without happiness, you are hopeless!”
I punched the next filly hard enough to throw her to the ground, then I stabbed her on the heart. She died quickly. This seemed to act as an emotional release for me—I felt so free.
As the blue foal stopped breathing, I knew my work with her was done. As I continued to the next foal, I had a sudden realization. Nopony seemed to be screaming help or trying to stop me. At first, I was confused, but that’s when I knew.
This had to be what the foal meant for me to do.
“Green never tells the truth. Not to adults, not to youth.”
“Those who always lie, should just die!”
I quickly knocked the next foal to the ground and slashed her throat. I didn’t use as much force, so I could see her suffer.
No. No. It shouldn’t have to be this way! Even if this makes me happier, this isn't right! I panicked a bit more and stabbed filly’s heart. It’s stopped. I couldn’t control myself. I licked some blood off of the filly’s chest and smiled. Then I continued.
The next foal seemed to vaguely glow for some reason. It was strange. But I didn’t care.
“Yellow is ha…” I hadn’t even finished my rhyme when I stabbed foal’s heart over and over. It was done. All of my happiness was gone. It wasn’t surprise. It was far from humor. I didn’t even finish the rhyme for this one. I didn’t feel like it. I continued.
“Red is for anger, like a pyromancer, she will always blast you with hot rage as an answer."
“She puts everypony through pain, let’s not lie. Without her, life would be fine!”
Just as with the others, I quickly stabbed her heart and waited it to stop beating. Now, only one foal left: my old “friend”, Disregard.
“The grey one is Disregard. Losing that one will be hard."
“It’s all pointless, just a mask. I need to kill you! It’s my task!”
I aimed for the grey foal’s chest, to stop her heart beating. But as it touched, the knife just twisted, and foal took no damage. It was as if she was made of metal.
“Sorry. Not today,” the filly said. “You made your choice. I hope you chose right.”
As I struggled to understand, the filly started to break. She looked as though she were made of glass, and was now shattering to dust. I could only watch as she just turned into ashes, which swirled together and formed into the ball. The ball started to glow with a greyish light.
Then I knew it.
“Yellow is happiness, our best friend. We need it until the end."
“Never forget that, or you will suffer. It’s the best thing you can offer….”
My vision blurred. I woke up with a start as soon as I hit the ground. I felt strange, uncomfortable somehow. Like something was missing. I got to my hooves and looked down to see a broken mask on the ground.
Finally.
Finally!
FINALLY!
I got rid of it, I got rid of myself. The bad self. I got rid of my shield. I don’t need to pretend I’m somepony else anymore.
But… something is still missing. Everything is empty.
Ha! Like I would care…
