The Chapter in Which The Rock Goes to Ponyville
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The Rock Goes to Ponyville
The Chapter in Which The Rock Goes to Ponyville
After a night of kicking people's candy asses, The Rock made his way backstage. The fans were going wild. Girls were screaming and offering to give him a taste of their pie, while the boys all yelled at The Rock about how they wished they were female so they could give him a taste of their own pie. In other words, it was a normal day for The Rock.
The People's Champ made his way to the locker room. Normally he didn't give a damn about what any other idiot in the back was doing, and he still didn't, but he figured he could brag about how much money he made by playing a Tooth Fairy. He kicked down the nearest door and walked inside. He was shocked by what he found.
Three wrestlers, who were too unimportant for The Rock to care about what their names were, were gathered around a TV. At first The Rock assumed that they were watching tapes of some of his best matches so they could learn how to try to become as great as him one day, but instead they were watching a cartoon.
"Now just what in the blue hell are you bunch of jabronies watching?"
The three wrestlers froze in fear at The Rock's superior manliness. Two of them almost pissed their pants from the fear. The other one DID piss his pants from the fear.
"Nothing broski, just watching a cartoon," said one that was wearing a stupid looking headband.
The Rock looked at the TV. Three brightly colored horses were sitting around having a sleepover. He didn't need to look at this show for long to figure out that it was a show for girls.
"Would one of you care to explain WHY you're watching a girls cartoon?"
"Well we-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY YOU'RE WATCHING IT!" The Rock quickly scooped up the wrestler who had pissed his pants and tossed him outside of the room.
"Bro, I think you just broke Cody's back. What the hell was that-" The Rock then scooped up the wrestler with the stupid headband and tossed him through the wall, into the ladies locker room. He gave the smiling girls a wink, knowing he would get a taste of pie from them later, and turned his attention back to the final wrestler, a very pale man with spiky orange hair.
"Dwayne, fella, buddy, pal. I don't want any trouble."
"You're damn right you don't. Why do you like this show anyway? You get some sort of sick perverted kick out of watching cartoon horses? You guys don't pleasure yourselves to it do you?"
"NO! It's complicated, see-"
"Complicated? Oh so you think that liking this show is too complicated for The Rock? Is that what you think?"
"No, I-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" The Rock punched the guy so hard that he flew out of the building. "The Rock will show them. He'll like this show better than they ever did!"
The Rock then stepped through the TV, because he can, and made his way to the land of ponies.
The Rock landed on a grassy hill somewhere in who knows where the fuck where. He looked into the distance and saw what looked like a big pony town. He started to walk to the town, kicking some asshole bunny on the way there because it looked at him funny. After a couple of seconds, because The Rock is an incredibly fast walker, he was already on the edge of the town.
"Ew, what the heck is that?"
The most electrifying man in all of entertainment turned his head down to see two tiny ponies looking up at him in disgust. One was gray and wearing glasses for whatever reason horses wear glasses for, and the other was a pink one wearing a tiara for whatever reason horses wear tiaras for.
"Is it an animal?" the gray bitch asked.
"I-I don't know. But whatever it is, it looks disgusting," said the other bitch.
"Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking about me? The Rock?"
"Sweet Celestia it talks," the gray one said, taken back. Most likely because of The Rock's compelling voice.
"How terrifying," the other pink one said. "I don't know how much longer I can stand looking at this gross thing."
"Terrifying? Gross? Little pony, tell me, what is your name?"
"Uh, my name is Diam-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" The Rock quickly picked up the small pony in his arm and delivered the Rock Bottom right there on the cobblestone ground. As a filly, the impact of the fall on such a surface broke Diamond Tiara's neck on impact, killing her.
Her glasses wearing friend stared at her now lifeless body in shock and awe.
"Do you have something you want to say to The Rock too?"
"Um..," the pony looked at him as he raised an eyebrow, awaiting her response. Rather than respond, she quickly turned around and ran away as fast as she could.
The Rock, satisfied with his work, continued to make his way through town. He passed many ponies, many of whom gave him odd looks as he passed, so he bitch slapped any of the ones who looked at him weird. The other ponies took notice and looked away from him. All except for one gray cross-eyed one that wouldn't keep one of her eyes off of him. Naturally, this annoyed the Brahma Bull.
"Hey you!"
"Me?" the derpy eyed pony asked.
"Yes you. Why are you starring at The Rock? Something about me seem funny to you? Do you find something humorous about The Rock? Does my appearance entertain your little horse mind, hm?"
"What? I have a condition, I can't even see out of my left eye most of the time."
"A likely story. The Rock is giving you 5 seconds to stop staring at me, or so help me I'll slap the taste out of your mouth so hard that it knocks those crooked eyes straight. Five!"
"Whoa whoa whoa! I didn't do anything, I'm not lying about-"
"Four! Three!"
"I have a condition, I really do! Ask anyone here and they'll tell you that-"
"Two!"
"Are you even listening to anything I say?"
"One! Times up!" The Rock brought back his hand, and swiftly applied the best bitch slap he could to the pony. After letting the wooziness from the hit wear off, her lazy eye rolled back into place, and became straight once more, giving her perfect vision.
"Oh my gosh, I can see! I haven't been able to see since this well since I was a filly! Oh thank you mister I-"
The Rock cut off the mare by slapping her once again, knocking the eye back into its original derped form. Distraught by once again being wall-eyed, she began to sob as The Rock walked away, because he didn't give a damn.
"This is pretty fun. Maybe those jabronies were on to something with this show."
The Rock looked around at where to go next. He noticed a giant building that looked like a gingerbread house, so he decided to go there because he was hungry, and wan't in the mood for pony meat right now. The Rock walked up to the door, tore it off its hinges, ate it, and walked inside. Six startled ponies looked up at The Rock as he made his way into the shop. He looked over at them and walked over to their table.
"Good evening ladies," he said in the most suave voice he had, which is pretty damn suave. "How are you all on this fine day?"
Five of the ponies looked at him with a dumbfounded expression, saying nothing. The sixth one, however, a pink pony with big curly pink hair, flashed him a smile.
"We're doing fantastic! How are you doing?"
"Oh The Rock is doing wonderful."
"That's great! Did you come here for some yummy deserts? Maybe some pie?"
The Great One's eyebrow shot up at the very mention of the word.
"Did you just say pie?"
"Yes sir!"
"Well The Rock DOES love him some pie. Not sure if I'd like pony pie though. I don't know if I could swing that way."
"But our pie is the most delicious things in the whole wide world," the pink pony replied.
"Really now? Tell me something. Do you like pie?"
"Oh yes sir! In fact, I eat pie almost every day."
Despite this being a pony, The Rock was liking how she rolled.
"I mean the hot moist deliciousness that you can taste as soon as your tongue touches it, what's not to love about pie?"
"The Rock's heard enough. He's getting a bit excited now. Tell me pony, how would you feel about tasting the People's Strudel?"
"Strudel is pretty good! I'd love to taste it."
"That's what The Rock thought. No one can resist the delicious temptation of The Rock's own personal People's Strudel. It's just that damn good. Women everywhere get wet....with perspiration every time they even think about it."
"Really? Now I really want to taste it."
"The Rock really likes how you think pink pony. Tell you what, I'll consider it."
Suddenly, The Rock heard a commotion coming from outside, so he decided to go see what was up. As he left, five confused ponies continued to look at the strange creature in disbelief, while the pink one happily waved goodbye.
"Twi, what in tarnation just happened?"
Twilight watched as the human left the shop to go wherever it was he was going and looked back to Applejack.
"I have no idea, and I think it's best we forget this ever happened."
The other ponies, minus Pinkie Pie, nodded in agreement, and continued to chat about what they were talking about before The Rock visited them.
The star of The Scorpion King, Race to Witch Mountain, and Fast Five followed the sound of the noise and finally found a large mob of ponies gathered around the town square.
"There he is officers! He's the one that killed my best friend," rang the familiar voice of that glasses wearing bitch.
"Freeze. You're under arrest for the murder of a filly. Put your hooves, or hands, or whatever it is you have in the air right now," yelled a fat police unicorn that pointed his horn at The Rock in a threatening manner. A couple of other equally fat police unicorns joined him and all pointed their horns as well.
"Oh I see. You ponies are challenging The Rock, is that right?"
The police ponies looked at each other in confusion, then back at The Rock.
"Listen buddy, if you don't give up and turn yourself in peacefully, we WILL hurt you."
The Rock gave off a hearty laugh. These ponies thought they could tangle with The Great One? He decided to play along with them.
"Alright, alright. The Rock will give up peacefully." The Rock began to walk towards the police unicorns that were beginning to relax. "Let The Rock just-" The Rock didn't finish his sentence and simply kicked the nearest police unicorn so hard in the head that it gave the pony a concussion. "Let The Rock just kick your candy asses first!"
The other unicorn policemen prepared to point their horns at the crazed wrestler/actor/professional pie eater, but weren't able to react in time as he entered a frenzy, punching and kicking every single police pony. And a few bystanders that were unlucky enough to be too close to The Rock during his rampage on the police ponies. The Rock held two police ponies by the neck in both arms and delivered the Rock Bottom to both of them. Apparently all pony necks are pretty fragile, because they died on impact just like the tiara wearing bitch. He then landed the People's Elbow on the pony that he had given a concussion, and the impact made the pony's heart shoot out of his mouth.
The remaining police ponies decided to teleport away from The Rock, not being in the mood to have their hearts shot out of their bodies. The Brahma Bull was by no means done, however, as many ponies were now looking at him funny again, albeit in looks of horror and shock for the most part. None the less, The Rock ran up to multiple ponies and either broke their necks with the Rock Bottom, or fractured their skulls with boots to their heads. The Rock couldn't help but notice that the glasses wearing bitch was once again frozen in fear and staring at him in the middle of the chaos.
"Now I'm going to tell you right now little pony, if you don't stop looking at The Rock right now, The Rock is going to take those glasses, lube them up real nice, stick it sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!"
The gray pony couldn't find anything to say, and was too much in shock to move away.
"So be it." The Rock swiped the glasses from off of her face, and pulled out a bottle of lube that he carried in his pants in case of lube related emergencies. He proceeded to lube up the glasses, and indeed stuck them sideways and shoved it straight up the pony's ass. She howled in pain, and The Rock then punted her away.
The Rock looked around at his work. Many ponies were dead, with any remaining ponies in sight were swiftly running for their lives. A fire had began to spread in the confusion, and was now burning down many pony houses, including what appeared to be a pony retirement home due to the amount of flaming old ponies that were falling out of the window. All hell had broken loose, and this pony town would never be the same again. Needless to say, The Rock was happy with his progress.
"Now there's only one thing left to do." The Rock made his way back to the gingerbread house and found Pinkie Pie. He proceeded to take her upstairs and let her taste the People's Strudel. Apparently Pinkie didn't know that he only used strudel as a metaphor for something else, as she was sobbing in a corner after being forced to taste what she had just tasted.
His work done, The Rock finally returned home, eager to tell the boys in the locker room of his great adventures in the world on ponies. Ponyville was never the same, Silver Spoon's glasses remained stuck in her anus for years to come, Pinkie Pie had to see a psychiatrist to recover from her emotional scars, and the author of this story was beaten to death with a stick for writing such a stupid story.
THE END
