Undead Twilight's Continued Quest For Knowledge

by naturalbornderpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1932

All undead Twilight Sparkle wants to do is eat your brains and gain your knowledge. What's so wrong about that?

After a tragic paper cut accident leaves Twilight Sparkle dead and buried, the townsfolk of Ponyville are soon horrified to learn that even death can't put a stop to Twilight's nefarious appetite for knowledge.

Best way to learn, you ask? By eating your brains and gaining your knowledge, of course.

Published 2016-04-20 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-20 00:20:01 UTC

The Fluttershy Approach

Rarity let out a shaky breath as she stared out of her boutique’s mostly boarded up windows. The shop across the street had been sealed shut, as well—lengths of thick chain secured around locks and on all doors. At the moment, all of Ponyville remained eerily silent and secure. They were all waiting for another possible sighting of—

“Twilight!?” Rarity shrieked.

Like a bolt of lightning, Twilight Sparkle appeared in front of Rarity’s shop, her eyes nearly bulging from their sockets and her mouth working on words that no one could hear. Bits of dirt and twigs were poking out of her unkempt mane and one of her back legs had rotted down to the bone.

Twilight was dead. And she’d been like that for a few weeks now.

Happily, Twilight trotted to Rarity’s front door and gave it a trio of hard knocks. “Rarity? Are you home, dear friend of mine?”

Rarity ducked below the window and said not a word.

“I did happen to hear you shriek just a moment ago,” Twilight added dryly. “Not like I have Celestia’s amazing hearing or anything.” She perked up at that. “Oh, wait! I totally do!”

Entering the foyer, Rarity checked the hammered-in planks covering the door and peered through the eyehole. “Go away, Twilight! No one wants you around anymore! You’re dead! So go on and act like a proper dead pony and die already!”

Twilight snorted and waved a hoof. “What? Me? Dead? You so crazy, Rarity. Since when have I been dead?”

“Ever since that wonderful funeral of yours, Twilight! I was there. All your friends were there. Your parents and brother were there. It was simply marvelous! I designed your casket myself and Pinkie Pie catered it. So why ruin that wonderful memory I have of you by going around and eating innocent ponies’ brains?”

Through the eyehole, Rarity watched as Twilight rolled her eyes—one of them coming horribly close to completely falling out.

“Such crazy rumors around here!” Twilight protested loudly. “Twilight Sparkle is dead and eating brains! Quick, run! There’s Twilight Sparkle and she wants to eat your brains! First off: I’d have to actually be dead for that to be the case. Secondly—”

“But you are dead, Twilight!” Rarity chirped. “We all warned you about the dangers of extreme speed reading, but no! You just wouldn’t listen! One paper cut to a major artery later and that was that! Bled out on the floor while still reading from that same book that gave you the paper cut to begin with! You probably didn’t even realize you were dying, did you?”

Awkwardly, Twilight scratched at the back of her head, letting clumps of dirty mane fall to the road. “I might have felt a little lightheaded when that happened. But that was in the past! I’m all better now! Now I just want to be friends with everyone again!”

Rarity growled deep within her throat. “You ate Princess Celestia’s brains right in the middle of a banquet, Twilight! When you were done, you even belched and didn’t bother using a napkin at all! They were more than available, darling.”

Twilight was suddenly overcome with a soft dreamy expression. “That because I was hungry, Rarity. Hungry for knowledge! You know how much knowledge is locked inside ponies’ brains? All of it! I just hadn’t realized it until I was trapped inside that casket for a few days. What better way to learn than by eating knowledge's base of operations itself? The brains!”

Rarity shut her eyes for a moment. “You could always ask ponies what they know or read about it in books.”

“Bah!” Twilight trumpeted. “That was the old way of learning! I eat someone’s brains, I get instant knowledge! With Celestia’s knowledge in tow, I can now make tea just as good as she used to! Want me to show you? You’d have to open the door first, of course.”

Rarity shook her head. “You are not getting in here, Twilight! Only alive ponies allowed in this house. Plus you look really dirty and smelly right now. That’s a big no-no.”

Outside, Twilight collapsed to her rump and began whimpering. “But I want to learn how to make pretty dresses like yours, Rarity! You just have so much juicy knowledge inside that big ol’ head of yours. You’re not denying me my basic right to learn, are you?”

Rarity nodded curtly. “That’s exactly what I’m doing. But how about we compromise? How about I teach you how to make dresses, instead? Then no one’s brains need to be eaten. That sound good to you, Twilight?”

Twilight grumbled lowly. “That takes too long. If I eat your brains, I gain your knowledge instantly! Are you worried about dying? Is that what’s causing this big, silly misunderstanding between us?”

Using a hoof, Rarity rubbed at one of her temples. “A little. Not many ponies are all that willing to be brutally murdered just so you can keep on learning new stuff, Twilight.”

Upon hearing that, Twilight leapt to her hooves with a smile. “Then do I have good news for you! After gaining more knowledge from Ponyville’s top surgeon, I actually discovered a way to gain most of ponies’ base knowledge with only a quarter of the brains required! And it even leaves the pony in question still alive and well! Here, let me show you an example.”

Twilight ran out of view for a moment before quickly returning with a grey pegasus mare with crisscrossed eyes. The pegasus seemed about as bewildered and confused about all this as Rarity was.

“Oh, sweet Celestia!” Rarity cried. “Whatever did you do to poor Derpy Hooves?”

Twilight raised a brow. “Do? I haven’t done anything yet. This is how she always looks. But watch! Once I take this colorful swirly-straw here and stick it in her ear like so—”

“Stop it! Stop everything!” Rarity protested. “I don’t want to see that! No matter what you say, Twilight, you are not getting in here! Sweetie Belle and I will not allow it.”

Twilight’s eyes popped open. “Sweetie Belle’s in there? I did always want to learn how to sing better…” While in mid-thought, Derpy Hooves ran away from her and out of sight; Twilight seemed not to notice as she gritted her teeth in stern determination. “Okay, Rarity! If you want to make things difficult, then that’s just fine! If you won’t let me inside, then would you kindly place all of your brains on a piece of paper and slide it through the mail slot? If you want, I can give you instructions on how best to extract your own brain tissue—”

“That won’t be happening, either!” Rarity shouted. “Go away! Right this instant!”

“Don’t make me use the Fluttershy Approach,” Twilight warned her.

Rarity gasped. “Fluttershy? Oh, I swear, if you so much as touched a hair on that mare’s head—”

Twilight chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry about that. Fluttershy’s head’s fine. I got her brains out through her nose. It’s much easier that way. If you have a spare coat hanger in there, I could show you how I did it.”

Rarity banged a hoof on the door. “Why couldn’t you have stayed dead!?”

“Because I obviously still had much more to learn, silly!” Twilight raised a rotting leg into the air. “Time for the Fluttershy Approach! Not only did I learn a whole lot about animal care while eating Fluttershy’s brains, I also learned how to be plain flipping adorable! Prepare yourself, Rarity! I’m coming in!”

Twilight sat down on the ground again and looked up at Rarity with the greatest pleading expression she had ever seen before. Even the fact that Twilight had an Earth worm currently exiting from one of her dirt-covered ears could still not subtract from her overall cuteness.

“Won’t you please let me inside to feast on your brains, best friend of mine?” Twilight begged her sweetly, sticking out her bottom lip. “I just have such a hunger for dress making knowledge. You wouldn’t be so mean to a friend that only wanted to learn, would you? Pretty please? I promise I’ll go easy on your brain stem and cerebellum.”

As a single tear left Twilight’s eye socket and coursed down her cheek, Rarity watched helplessly as her own hoof reached out and began ripping the planks off the door. She couldn’t honestly deny someone so darn cute their only request, could she?

And what was a bit of brains between friends, anyways?

“I’m opening up,” Rarity uttered robotically.

Twilight clapped her hooves together. “Yay!”

That last word spoken gave Rarity pause. “Wait a minute. Only the real Fluttershy says that! You even learned how to say ‘Yay’ like Fluttershy?”

Twilight nodded. “Shouldn’t you be letting me inside right now?”

“I don’t think so, Twilight,” Rarity answered bluntly. “I’ve gotten wise to your brain eating ways. Everyone in town knows you haven’t been able to use your magic ever since coming back from the dead, so as long as everyone keeps their doors locked, you won’t have any way inside anybody’s homes.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at her. “Unless I happened to have learned a rather secret bucking technique this very morning that could get me inside your house quite easily.”

Rarity blanched. “Not Big Mac, too!”

“Eeyup!” Twilight replied with a smirk. “You see, Rarity, it’s only a matter of time until I’ve learnt everything there is to know in Equestria. Why, I could even go right now and learn everything there is to know about picking locks from the town locksmith. I could even eat the brains of Equestria’s best tunnel builder and tunnel right inside your home. Or I could even get so crazy as to chuck a big rock through your front window and climb inside. I’m sure some pony around here must know the best way to chuck a rock.”

Twilight took a step closer to the door. “Resistance is futile, Rarity. Before the day is through, I will eat your brains and gain your knowledge—all of that yummy, tasty knowledge trapped inside that big head of yours.”

Rarity smirked as she looked at her old friend. “Anyone ever show you how to use a crossbow before, Twilight?”

Twilight pursed her lips in excitement. “No! But I’d love to learn! You actually know how to use a crossbow?”

“No. But Sweetie Belle does.”

That was when an arrow propelled itself through Twilight’s skull and out the other side, causing her to slump and fall to the street. A moment later, Sweetie Belle went to inspect the motionless body, carrying a small black crossbow and coated head to hoof in camouflage paint.

Sweetie Belle happily jumped up and down next to the body. “I got her! I got her, Rarity!”

“That’s very nice, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity told her. “Now come back inside and—”

Outside, Sweetie Belle’s rump began to glow in bright colors and her cutie mark was replaced by one depicting an undead pony with an arrow bolt through its head.

Sweetie Belle couldn’t take her eyes off her plot. “Look, Rarity! I was meant to be a monster slayer all along! That guidance counselor was right!”

Rarity could only hang her head against the door with a sigh.

“I’m sure mom and dad are going to be tickled pink by the news, Sweetie Belle.”

Author's Note

Don't blame me. Blame this scene in particular.

Trying to clear up some stories I've been sitting on for a while. Two left! :yay: