WARNING
The fic you are about to read contains lots and lots of mean words. Reader discretion is advised.
Leo curses a lot and says a lot of racist, mean, insensitive, and politically incorrect things. If you're going to get all triggered you should probably just get out now. YOU WERE WARNED.
Twas a peaceful and completely ordinary day in Ponyville… until a most unusual and unsavory creature made his way out from the shadows of the Everfree forest.
"Where the fawk am I?! I'm gonna be late for fawking school," Leo complained as he cut a path through the forest undergrowth with his trusty kukri.
Finally, after slaying manticores and dismembering timberwolves – he would later claim that the spiders in his bedroom were more deadly – he emerged from the forest and hiked his way up to high ground. Leo dusted off his khaki shorts, adjusted his Crocodile Dundee hat, and wiped the sweat from his brow, before surveying the landscape from the vantage point of a small hill.
"Ohw," he groaned, "I'm in fawking horsetown! How the fawk did I get 'ere?!"
He trudged down the hill and onto the dirt road that led into town, griping and groaning to himself as he went along. The streets of Ponyville soon found themselves under his leather boots as he stomped his way through the town, not so much as sparing a glance at all the little ponies fleeing from him, doors and shutters slamming closed as he approached.
With a hand held up to block the sunlight from his eyes, Leo spied his target. "Ohw, it would be the fawking crystal castle. Piece of shit fawking Hasbro toy, not even good! Garbage out of ten."
As he neared the top of the stairs leading to the door of Princess Twilight's crystal castle, Leo noticed something terribly amiss.
"Oh my gawd, what kind of dropkick wanker horse has a fawking door knob?!"
Regardless, he knocked on the door. Receiving no response, he knocked harder.
"Answer your fawking door, you purple shitkent!"
The sound of flapping wings turned his attention behind him.
"Can I, uh, help you?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Oi, it's the fag-flag-flying kent! I'm looking for your purple horse friend."
"Uh…" Rainbow scratched her head. Likely, she had no idea at all what had just been said. "Come again?"
"Where's the purple horse, kent? I'm gonna be late for school!"
"…What?" Rainbow squinted at the stranger, trying to understand him.
"Oh my gawd you useless kent! Purple! Horse. Where. Is. She?"
"What the hay does 'kent' mean?"
"Ohw, you don't know what a 'kent' is?"
Rainbow innocently shook her head 'no.'
"I'll give you a hint: you are one, and you have one."
"WHAT THE F-… fudge dude! It's not cool to go around calling ponies that! Especially not girls!"
"Ohw! Are you a gurl? That makes you a horse of different color, don't it? I'll call you kent gurl then."
Rainbow glared daggers at Leo.
"Ohw, you wanna tussle mate?"
"You're darn right I wanna tussle!"
"Yah?" Leo held out his arms in a 'come at me' pose. "Come at me bitch, meet me halfway."
Little fires burned in Rainbow's eyes as she instinctively flew closer to the strange creature, but she quickly thought better of it. He was trying to pick a fight, sure, and he deserved a good pummeling, sure, but he hadn't actually hit her. So Rainbow thought better of throwing the first hoof.
"Come on! Put 'em up!" She demanded, holding her forehooves up in a fighting stance.
Leo only shrugged. "Why? You wanna get wrecked?"
She rolled her eyes. Despite his trash-talking, he didn't seem at all intent on actually fighting her. Rainbow eyed Leo and rubbed her chin. "So you want the purple one, huh?"
"For the fiftieth fawking toime! Yes!"
"I'll get you the purple one," she said, squinting angrily at Leo.
"Alright then, fawk off and get 'er already."
Without another word, Rainbow flew off into town, Leo's hat nearly flying off along with her in her wake.
Leo stood there, on the steps of the crystal castle, tapping his foot impatiently, when suddenly he heard an annoyingly familiar bouncing sound off in the distance. It was becoming increasingly louder.
In moments, there was a "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie-"
Leo immediately reached out his hand and clamped Pinkie's muzzle shut.
"Oh hell fawking no, not the fawking party slut! You are not throwing me a filthy horse party, now fawk off back to your bloody cupcake house, ya poofta!"
Pinkie sat there, looking confused with her head cocked to the side, but said nothing.
Just then, Rainbow Dash showed up, carrying a pony – who was purple – whom she gently put down on the ground.
"Hey Pinkie," Rainbow plainly greeted her friend.
"What am I doing here?" Berry Punch asked.
"Oh my fawking gawd!" Leo threw his hands in the air. "Wrong fawking one, ya bludger! I want the magic purple horse, not the drunk purple horse!"
Rainbow stifled a chuckle that would've been at Berry's expense.
"Did it just call me… a drunk?" Berry Punch seemed slightly offended. "I'm slightly offended."
"Does care!" Leo replied.
Pinkie spoke up, "He's making noises that sound like he's talking… but I can't understand what he's saying. Can you?" she asked Rainbow.
"Kinda," Rainbow responded, still unsure what to think of Leo but slowly finding herself less insulted by him and more amused.
"Um, can I go home now?" Berry Punch asked, completely confused about what was going on.
"Yah," Leo answered sarcastically. "Go home and get wasted, ya munt. Not even right pony!"
"Uh, o-ok." Berry eyed the creature briefly before slowly getting up and walking away. "See you girls later… I guess."
Rainbow was smiling, and found she couldn't help it. "What'd you call her?" She almost whispered, not wanting Berry to overhear as she left. "A 'munt'?"
"Yah!" Leo answered, as though it were a stupid question.
"I don't like the way he said it," said Pinkie Pie. "Sounded mean." She frowned.
"It was mean," Leo answered, very matter-of-fact-ly.
"But it was... kinda funny," Rainbow commented, finding herself still unable to wipe the smile from her face.
"I dunno…" Pinkie trailed off.
"Hey, I got an idea, Pinks." Rainbow then whispered something to Pinkie.
"Are you sure?"
"What do we got to lose?"
Pinkie shrugged and bounced off into town.
"Where's she going?" Leo asked.
"To find the purple pony."
"Ohw, is she now? Hopefully she can find the right fawking wanker this toime, unlike someone 'round 'ere."
"So what exactly is a 'munt'?" Rainbow asked, still hovering in the air, but leaning in for an answer.
"Ohw, you don't know? Why don't you look in a dictionary, kent?"
"Uh, because I don't think that'd be in any dictionary?"
"Ohw, does care. Maybe you could ask the purple pony to give you a dictionary that has actual words in it?"
Rainbow rolled her eyes. Moments later, Pinkie returned, carrying Cheerilee on her back.
"Pinkie Pie, what are we doing here? And what is that?!" Cheerilee asked, pointing at the creature.
"Oh my fawking gawd." Leo threw his hands in the air. "Wrong fawking bogan, you autistic shitkent!"
"Ok girls," Cheerilee climbed off of Pinkie's back. "I don't know why you insisted on bringing me all the way out here, but I'm just going to leave you two with this vulgar… creature now. I have um… homework to grade." She gave Leo a sidelong glance.
"I'll grade your homework, ya wanker. I give you a 'A' for autism!"
Cheerilee promptly galloped away.
Pinkie found herself giggling at Leo's turn of phrase. "It's like… it's so funny! But I shouldn't be laughing… because that was mean! And rude!"
"... And totally not politically correct!" Rainbow added.
"I'm politically correct," Leo defended. "Ya niggas."
"You're right, Dashie, he is pretty funny!" Pinkie noted.
"I'm roight 'ere you know," Leo stated.
"You're pretty funny," Pinkie corrected. "I'm Pinkie Pie, by the way! What's your name?"
"I know you're Pinkie Pie." Leo said it as a matter of fact.
You could almost hear the crickets chirp while the pair of ponies waited for an answer.
"And I'm Rainbow Dash. What's your name, 'kent'?"
"Ohw, ohw. You wankers wanna know my name?"
"Uh, duh? That's why we asked!"
"And introduced ourselves?" Pinkie added.
"You bludgers can call me 'Leo,' but don't get used to it. I'm not gonna stick around 'ere much longer."
"How long are you staying?" Pinkie asked. "Cuz I'll throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' part-"
"Hell fawking no!" Leo angrily pointed at Pinkie. "I told you, you're not throwing me any parties! And I'm only staying in this shithole until one of you fuckwits finds me the purple horse to send me back home!"
"Oh," Rainbow looked slightly defeated. "So you need Twi- I mean the purple pony to help you find a way home?"
"Yah! That's what I've been fawking saying all day!"
"You… didn't say any of that… at all," Pinkie remarked.
"You weren't 'ere all day, now were you?"
"Well Pinkie," Dashie said with a smile, "Let's go find him the purple pony!"
"Oh my gawd women. Not even trying!" Leo rubbed his temples as he looked at the candidates Rainbow and Pinkie had selected. "Ohw, let's see. You got purple lizard – not even fawking pony! – and scooter chicken – are you fawking colorbloind? Not even purple!"
Pinkie found herself having another fit of giggles, and Rainbow couldn't help laughing right along with her.
"Ha ha! But! Heh. Her – heh heh – her mane's purple! Right, Scoots?" Rainbow asked.
"Uh… I've always thought of it as magenta. Why am I here again?" Scootaloo inquired.
"Beats me," Spike shrugged.
"Ohw, shut up you mongolian gnome! No one likes you!"
"Wow. What the heck dude?" Spike asked. "That was pretty rude."
"Cry me a bitch-ass river so I can go fishing in it."
Spike was clearly taken aback, but he only harrumphed in response and proceeded to waddle his way around Leo and up the steps to the Crystal Castle.
"Will you two kents stop laughing and find me the purple one already?!" Leo demanded.
Pinkie and Rainbow grinned at Leo, and answered in unison, "Ok!"
"Ohw," Leo put his palm over his face. "Not this again."
"Can I go home now?" Scootaloo asked.
"You 'aven't got a home you bloody filthy orphan chicken!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on." Rainbow flew over to Scootaloo. "Why don't you go home Scoots, and don't pay any attention to this kent- I mean bludger- ugh." She shook her head.
"Meanie-pants," Pinkie chimed in.
"Thanks Pinkie. Yes, he's a meanie-pants. Go on Scoots, I'll see you later."
Scoots trotted off on her way home.
"Ok mister," Rainbow faced Leo. "You do not mess with Scoots."
"Yeah!" Pinkie added.
"Oh yah? O-Or what kent?"
"Or I'll kick your teeth in!"
"And I'll do something slightly less physically violent but equally unpleasant!" Pinkie shouted.
"Does care! Come at me, one v. two. I'll wreck the both of you!"
Rainbow had her forehooves up in a fighting stance, but couldn't help but laugh. "Heh heh! I'm sorry, I just can't take you seriously!"
Pinkie giggled as well. "Me neither!"
"Ohw, dis guy..." Leo rolled his eyes. "Ohw look! Purple horse is roight 'dere!" Leo pointed over yonder.
"Right where?" Pinkie asked.
" 'Dere! Roight 'dere!"
"Deer?" Pinkie asked, head tilted.
"No you gobble nobble, 'dere!" Leo angrily pointed his finger repeatedly to something behind the ponies.
Rainbow turned around and saw Twilight walking up the path to the Castle. "Ohhhh. Right 'there'."
Pinkie mirrored, "Ohh, 'there'."
"That's what I fawking said! Get the dicks outta your ears."
Twilight arrived on the scene and asked her friends, "Girls? What's going on here?"
Pinkie answered first, "Leo's been giving us a good laugh!"
"Yeah!"
" 'Leo' huh?" Twilight eyeballed the curious creature.
"Yah. I'm Leo. I need your help, Twilight. I don't belong here… and I need to get home. I'm already late for school."
"Uh…" Twilight muttered, flabbergasted.
"Hey!" Pinkie interrupted. "How come you're not being mean to her?! You're not cursing or anything!"
"Yeah!" Rainbow agreed. "And you knew her name this whole time?! Why didn't you just ask for her?"
"Ohw… firstly, am I gonna be rude to the only person who can get me out of this hell hole? And secondly, do I look like some kind of filthy fawking neckbeard-ass-brony to you? You must be on crack!"
"Alrighty," Twilight said. "I have no idea what's going on here. Now where did you say you were from, Leo?"
"Uh I didn't? But I'm not from this… place? I'm from Austrayah. It's fawking… bloody… loike. . . fawking. . . in another world? Or universe, dimension, wha'ever."
"Oh. Well, actually that shouldn't be too difficult." Twilight rubbed her chin. "I've been tinkering with the mirror portal, and with Starswirl's old spells for it. I should be able to detect which realm you came from, and just… 'tune' the mirror portal to take you there! It should be fairly easy… And hopefully quick."
"So… how exactly did you get here?" Twilight asked Leo.
"I don't fawking know! If I did, I'd turn 'round and go back."
She sighed. "Well, however you got here, the mirror is tuned to your realm and it's ready for you to go. Just step on through whenever you're ready."
Leo stared into the swirling abyss of the mirror portal. "Oi, mate. If you're ever… loike… you know, stuck in my world… then, you know…"
Twilight was taken aback. "Is that gratitude you're trying to express, Leo?"
"Ohw, did you think I was some kind of ungrateful bogan that doesn't return a favor?"
"No… I don't… uh, thanks I guess? I'll, uh, remember that…"
Without saying anything more, Leo stepped into the mirror portal.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville…
POP!
"Oh ho, Pinkie Pie! Rainbow Dash! How are you?"
"Hi Discord!" They both greeted the spirit of chaos.
"Oh I do hope you two had fun with that human I brought here today!"
"You brought him here?" Pinkie asked.
"Why yes! I thought he was hilarious! Where is he now?"
"Oh," Rainbow started. "He, uh, went back home."
"Home? And how, pray tell, is that possible?"
"Well…"
It was a rough ride, and he landed on his ass on exit, but he was no worse for wear, and Leo felt like he was in the right place. At a glance, the buildings looked all very normal and there was the familiar background noise of a city. Cars could be seen driving by on a nearby street. He, admittedly, had no clue where he was. He doubted he was in Melbourne, but lost on earth was better than stuck in horse land, as far as he was concerned.
In a moment, a fellow human being offered a hand to help him up. He accepted it, pulled himself up, and dusted himself off.
"Ohw, thanks mate."
"No problem!" came the response… in the form of a disturbingly familiar raspy girl's voice.
Leo's head snapped up, for him to see a teenage girl with rainbow hair, and another one approaching with a familiar bouncing sound, who had a huge puff of pink hair.
Leo sighed.
"Fuck my life."
The end.
Author's Note
Mother of Celestia, why did I write this?!
Leo is a real person, who actually behaves and talks this way. (Though perhaps minus the kukri.) He's also a dear friend, and I tried to do his real life personality justice here. And, in a way, I also wrote this to share him with other people. Leo is the kind of person who'd give you the shirt off his back, but repeatedly call you a bludger to your face for having needed his shirt in the first place.
He is really Australian, but his accent is some strange and weird bogan accent that is actually impossible to convey in writing. (Ohw.) Not your typical Aussie accent. G'day mate. Stingray! Crickey. Vegemite. See? Normal Aussie is easy to do. But I tried my best with him.
Pinkie's and Rainbow's ultimate opinion of him is pretty much how my friends and I feel about him. Just can't take him seriously!
If you're unfamiliar with Leo's jargon, Urban Dictionary is your friend. Although 'kent' is Leo's oddly accented pronunciation of a word that starts with 'c' and rhymes with 'munt', the rest should be readily available there.
And finally, yes. Leo is actually this politically incorrect. Actually, wait, no. He's much, much worse. This all is pretty tame for him. Bear in mind, I did bloody well warn you ahead of time about that.
