Let's all go to the Realm of Chaos!

by pertelote345

Rating: everyone
Tags: Trenderhoof, Romance, Adventure, Random, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 3413

Trenderhoof wants to write about a truly exotic locale, Twilight wants to explore new kinds of magic and Dash just wants an adventure. Then Discord's offers to show them around his dimension, it's a match made in Tartarus!

Trenderhoof wants to write about a truly exotic locale, Twilight wants to explore new kinds of magic and Dash just wants an adventure. Then Discord's offers to show them around his dimension, it's a match made in Tartarus!

Written in a trade for Bluegrass Brooke

Published 2016-02-21 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-21 07:50:01 UTC

A Terrible Idea

Day one, in the Realm of Chaos

Already I regret my decision to come to this mind boggling hellscape. There is little ground upon which to travel and treacherous beasts fill the void. What did I come here for? A story? Or was it just to see the shapely curves of the handsome draconequus guiding us? Never have I laid eyes on such-

"Discord that is not what he's writing!" I snapped.

Rainbow snorted, checking the hitchings on the cart. "Well Trender is Bi Twi... He he... Bi Twi... Anyway I'm 90% sure Rarity was into him because she knew he wouldn't be the only pickle in her jar, if you know what I mean."

I rolled my eyes. "Rainbow..."

Trender, who was currently scribbling down actual notes, grumbled. "I don't need to bribe mares with three ways just so they'll be attracted to me."

The draconequus nodded. "Indeed Miss Dash. can't you see he has perfect wavy locks and firm round buttocks for that?"

The travel novelist turned bright pink.

I rubbed at my head, trying and failing to prevent a headache. "Discord, that's crude. And seriously, since when were you gay?"

The lord of chaos gasped. "Gay? Twilight you wound me. As if I could be something so pedestrian as a male attracted only to other males. I'm more attracted to more genders than you've ever met! I had a relationship with the color blue for pity's sake. Mind you, it didn't last, they're far too depressing... oh, but they could be so regal."

"Heck yeah!" Rainbow called back. "Say what you will about the guy Twilight, he's got good taste in colors."

I sighed. It had all seemed like such a brilliant idea at the time, bringing back notes on a whole other dimension with an acclaimed travel writer to document our tour. Rainbow dash could pull us through the abyss and Discord had offered to be our guide through his homeland... It had sounded so good on paper.

If only we could get along better than a bag full of angry cats.

Before I could think of any more Applejack style similes, Rainbow Dash whistled. "Yo, we're ready to shove off whenever you are!"

"Excellent!" Said Discord, steepling his claws. "Now... For our first stop..."

He flung out his arms with a flourish, "My house!"

We all blinked at him.

Rainbow tilted her head. "Uh... Discord, isn't that just where you live? Like, we materialized on your front lawn."

He rolled his eyes (thankfully keeping them in their sockets). "It isn't just where I live, it's a relatively safe pocket dimension in the chaos realm for us to explore.

I raised an eyebrow. "Relatively?"

"It's the realm of chaos Twilight you're lucky I didn't make you sign a waiver for breathing the air... Of course first we must get past... The Door"

He gestured to the door to his house.

It... It was yellow. That was about it's only defining feature.

I sighed. "Okay, I'll bite. What is 'The Door'?"

He turned to me, a look of terror on his face. "The door is everything! All that once was and will be! It knows the secrets of time and space... Love and death..."

He turned to the group at large, his eyes wide. "The door can see into your mind!"

And then he turned to me, grabbing hold of my shoulders. "The door can see into your soul..."

I flinched. "R-really? The door can do all that?"

"No." Said Discord. "But it does have little mes as handles which I think is pretty cool. Now come inside, I made scones."

A few minutes later we were all sitting in Discord's confusing half upside down living room skeptically eyeing some pastries.

Our travel writer looked particularly concerned. "Um, is my scone... Moving?" Trender asked.

"I'm sorry!" The scone said. "I'm just so excited about getting eaten!"

The entire room (except for Discord) froze.

"Oh! Sorry!" Said the scone, "I'll be quiet. Dad said quiet scones were more appetizing..." Trenderhoof's scone continued.

I felt my mind starting to unravel. There were so many horrifying questions all at once.

Rainbow Dash was the first one to break the silence. "Wait... Dad? How does a scone have parents? Aren't they just made of like flour and stuff?"

"Well I did say I made them." Discord explained.

My eyes bugged out. "You... You're feeding us your children!?"

Discord looked lost. "Of course! What kind of parent would I be if I didn't encourage my children to follow their dreams? I support Scones one through eleven in their quest to become the best snacks they can be, just like I supported scone number twelve in her quest to become a hard boiled detective."

A scone wearing a trenchcoat and fedora hopped onto the table. "I patrol these mean streets..."

I considered where I was, what was going on, took about thirty Cadence style breaths... And then I pushed my scone away. "Sorry, I'm really not hungry."

My pony compatriots followed suit.

My scone sighed. "Dang it three, you messed it all up!"

Trenderhoof's scone looked sad (somehow). "Sorry five..."

Discord sighed. "Now children, don't fight. Why don't I pack you up in a nice freezer bag? Then we can try again when the mailpony comes."

"Yay!" Our scones chanted in unison. "Freezer bag! Freezer bag! Freezer-"

And then they were silenced as they were all sealed away.

Discord put them in his fridge where an octopus took them and filed them away in the icebox.

He closed the door. "Sorry about that. How about we order out instead? The abomination down the street makes a mean pizza!"

I threw up my hooves. "No! I mean... No thank you, I don't think I'm ver hungry." Nor would I ever eat again...

Trenderhoof was furiously scribbling. Meanwhile Rainbow was eyeing the refrigerator with a sense of confused longing. Oh dear Celestia, she couldn't possibly be...

I shook myself. "Why... Why don't we just... Go on with the tour?"

Discord clapped his claws together. "Splendid, on to the Attic!"

Day one in Discord's attic

The darkness is so deep I can't see the hoof in front of my face. Thus, my imagination is left open. What unnatural creatures could be lurking in the shadows? What enticing poses is Discord making in-

"Excuse me." Trenderhoof cut off the naration. He straightened his glasses and shot the lord of chaos a serious look. "Mr. Discord are you actually trying to come on to me or are you just screwing with me?"

Dash flicked the lights on and Discord blinked. "Um... Well, I mean-"

"Because..." Trenderhoof continued. "I have to say it would be extremely screwed up of you to mess with me just because I happen to be in to stallions."

The lord of chaos seemed flustered. "Well..."

The travel writer pressed onward. "I've had two coltfriends, and while neither of them worked out I damn well loved them, so if you're just prodding me because you think I'm a freak for falling in love-"

"I genuinely think you're attractive okay!" Discord spat.

Trender, and the entire room, froze.

The writer blushed. "Well... Uh... Thank you, but if you're interested in someone you really shouldn't-"

An extremely uncomfortable Discord pointed behind his back. "Oh look! Over there! A distraction"

Sure enough, a large group of storage containers seemed to be moving towards us. Animate packing material was strange enough, but what really threw me were the headbands (drawer bands?) with neighponese symbols wrapped around them.

"Discord san, we were not expecting you for some time." Said a particularly ornately dressed dresser.

The lord of Chaos bowed. "Rakuten sama. You and your clan honor us with your presence."

There was an awkward silence. It took a moment for my brain to catch up, but once it did I bowed. "Greetings Rakuten Sama. We have come to this land in peace seeking knowledge. Um..." I coughed. "May I ask what I should call your people?"

"These are binjas." Discord supplied. "Storage containers trained in deadly martial arts."

"We prefer binobi." Rakuten sama corrected.

After suppressing several, quite un-diplomatic reactions to this new information, I simply smiled and turned to Discord. "Great! So... Not that this isn't fascinating..." I wasn't a lie, it was genuinely interesting and I could see Trender scribbling furiously at his notebook. "But did you have a specific reason for bringing us all here?"

"Are we going to have a sparring match!?" Rainbow asked, with what could only be described as a predatory glint in her eye.

Discord chuckled. "Maybe later. For right now, I just wanted to show you some photos from all around the chaos realm."

Trender raised an eyebrow. "Photos?"

The lord of chaos nodded. "Of the various locales I've visited in the chaos realm. I charged Rakuten sama's clan with keeping them, where they are both organized and guarded."

That... That actually made sense.

I knew well enough to not trust it. "So that's it? No surprises? Just planning and organization."

Discord gulped. "Y-yes. I genuinely planned and organized this trip."

His expression looked more pained than dishonest... But that was even weirder. Discord was a lot of things, but organized wasn't one of them. He was the lord of Chaos for pity's sake.

I was about to launch into a long, pointed interrogation, but was interrupted when an arrow made from a wire hanger sprouted from Rakuten sama's side. He fell to the ground, wood shavings trickling all around him.

Upon a hill of assorted nicknacks sat another storage container, somehow wielding a bow and flanked by an army of solid black garment bags.

Rakuten sama choked. "H-Hanran san?"

Somehow, the murderous container seemed to be smirking. "Sorry father, but after what you did to Hōseki-bako Kun I couldn't wait for the succession."

Before I could help the fallen furniture or ask what any of that meant, a small army of binjas leaped in front of their wounded leader. "We won't let you take down our clan without a fight Hanran!"

"I wouldn't have it any other way!" Shouted Hanran San.

I opened my mouth, hoping to resolve... Whatever this was before it could get any worse, but... I was drawing a blank.

The armies of clutter surrounded us, neither certain who we would side with.

And then the battle was joined.

Rainbow's hooves were a flurry of furious kicks as she demolished her fifth chest.... but she was sweating. It was clear she was tiring out. Frankly we all were.

The inter clan dispute had bloomed into a full on civil war as every piece of Discord's assorted attic clutter tried to conquer the rest. I wasn't sure if I was more shaken by all the violence or all the disorganization

I blasted a hole through a particularly ruthless Ottoman and shouted to my compatriots. "Discord! We can't take much more of this! You need to teleport us out!"

Discord's reply was more surly than anything else. "You see!? This is what happens when you try and plan things in the Realm of Chaos! Can't- Hang on a second." He lashed out with his claws and physically shredded an end table. The kitchen knife it was wielding fell to the floor. "Can't you get us out miss magical prodigy?"

I growled. "Discord I don't even know how magic works in this dimension! It's all I can do to throw these things around!" I smacked aside an old board game for emphasis (monopoly started it)!

Discord winced. "With all this chaos energy flying about I really don't think my magic is much better. I'd need to use a teleportation beacon or..." His pupil's shrank.

"What!" I snapped at him. Dang it I was hot, I was tired and I was covered in splinters. I did not have the patience to put up with any more crap.

Discord looked sheepish. "So, are you guys 100% sure we couldn't manage here? I mean, furniture trying to kill us... Really it's not like it's raining or-"

"DISCORD!" I shouted, wrestling with an irate ironing board.

The Lord of Chaos sighed. "I guess there's no other option."

That said, we all vanished.

We reappeared floating in an abyss of... Blue.

No seriously. There was nothing here but blue, my friends (Rainbow was trying to fly without any sense of direction and for a while I had no idea where Trenderhoof ended up until I noticed he was gripping on to my rear left hoof for dear life), and a tiny green gem. It was... Disconcerting to say the least.

It was even more disconcerting when a disembodied voice spoke from the void. "Oh great, it's you... What do you want Discord?"

Discord winced.

Considering the voice's tone, I really couldn't blame him.

Finally the Lord of Chaos spoke up. "Hi! So... Everyone this is Blue... We... We used to date. Hi Blue! Long time no see."

"Really?" Said the disembodied voice in the blue void. "That's what you have to say to me after not returning my calls for 10,000 years?"

Discord grimaced. "Blue... Look. I really don't want to get into any messy drama." He reached out for the gemstone. "I just had an old teleportation beacon lying around from the old days and I thought I'd do you a favor by tidying up a bit."

The shade of blue in around us darkened. "Yeah right... We both know you're just here to show off your new playthings."

"Hey!" Dash called out, trying and failing to find the void's face so she could glare at it. "Rainbow Dash ain't no one's plaything. We're Discord's friends!"

The void sighed. "Oh you sweet summer child... Discord, I can't believe you're trying to replace me with a trio of ponies."

Wait what? I gave the embodiment of Chaos an extremely pointed look. "Discord... What is she talking about?"

Discord blushed.

My mind shattered.

"I... I'm not trying to replace you Blue..." The lord of chaos explained, "I'm just... Meeting other entities and seeing if we click." He gave us all a very sheepish grin.

I felt the color drain from my face. Discord was interested in me. Trenderhoof was bad enough, but Discord was Romantically interested in me.

Rainbow Dash seemed to be taking the news just about as well as I had. "Wuh buh huh?" she said.

Discord scratched the back of his head. "I was just talking to you! Hanging around with you... I thought a little outing would let us all get to... You know, know each other better. So... You know, when you asked me to guide you I said yes."

I couldn't see it, but I was certain my face was a study.

Blue sighed. "And you decided to attempt romance by parading them in front of your ex beingfriend? You really need lessons in romance."

I don't know how exactly, but I felt the blue void turning its attention to me. "You're that fancy new princess right? Sorry we met under such... Difficult circumstances. Want me to teleport you some place? I can send you anywhere that's blue."

"CanweallgobacktoPonyvilleplease!" Trender hoof slurred, still clinging to my leg.

"Let me think... Oh! There's a blue couch at Quills and Sofas I can drop you on." Blue suggested.

I nodded. "That sounds perfect. Thank you so much."

The shade of blue around us lightened. "Think nothing of it."

"Hang on a minute!" Discord cried. "What about our tour? What about the book? What about-"

"Discord, quit while you're behind." I snapped.

Discord looked... Deflated.

I... Even after all he did I felt kind of bad about that. But I could deal with it when we were safe. "Blue, we're ready when you are."

So we vanished.

The embodiment of all things blue was true to her word and we all managed to get back home. We parted ways with barely a word. What was there to say after all?

After a night so sleepless I'd gotten three separate visits from Princess Luna (she was trying really hard to help, but frankly the poor dear was out of her depth) I found myself nursing a cup of tea and trying to piece together something resembling a coherent narrative from all of the madness from yesterday...

When Discord said he would be happy to guide us he'd sounded sincere. In fact I don't think he actually lied to us about anything at all.

But him liking me? And Rainbow? And Trender? What in Equestria was I supposed to make of that?

I heard a knock on the door.

I went to answer it and found the person I was least interested in seeing peeking in.

"Hi..." Said Discord, looking morosely at the ground. "Could I come in for a moment? I think I owe you an apology... Or several. I'm not sure."

I sighed. I considered slamming the door in his face, but... There was a hollow look in his eyes I had seen once before... When Tirek betrayed him.

So I opened the door. "Why don't we go to the library."

When we arrived I gestured for him to sit on a reading couch. I plopped myself on a cushion in front of him. For a moment, both of us were silent.

Finally I spoke up. "Discord, what were you thinking? Did you really think putting us through all of that would make us... Interested in you?"

He shook his head. "No! Well... Yes... It's complicated."

I sighed. "I guess I'm listening then."

He grimaced. "This world... I came here at first trying to destroy it to build my own personal playhouse because... Because I didn't realize the value of it, of the ponies that lived here."

He looked me in the eye. "You and your friends... You changed that. You made me feel... Cared for. I learned so much about harmony and friendship and your world. I liked it."

He let out a breath. "And so yes, I started forming some little crushes. Trenderhoof is just this silk hiding steel bookish stallion with a love for the new, Rainbow dash... Well, she's strong and can handle a joke and I guess you already know I have a thing for blue girls..."

I gave him a flat look.

He winced. "Too soon, sorry... And... And you." He met my gaze. There was genuine longing in his eyes. "You tried to help me. You cared for me even after I betrayed you. Fluttershy loves everyone and everything unconditionally, I wouldn't trade her for the world, but I wasn't... I wasn't special to her. With you... With you it's different."

He held out a claw. "Twilight you cared for me. You saved me from Tirek when I clearly didn't deserve it. You have a wit to match mine and... I could really see us together. We'd be a bit tsundere as couples go, but... I could see us falling for each other, in the best way possible."

He looked down. "I suppose I shot the chance for that down though... Right down with all my other crushes. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I never meant any harm, I... I suppose I just wanted you to love my world just as much as I love yours."

I stared at him. Had he meant all that? Did he really think that much of me.

I... I didn't know what to think.

But I knew I didn't want to be mad anymore.

"I forgive you." I said, finally, "But I think you should leave for the day. This... This is a lot to process"

He nodded, and I walked him to the door.

When we got there, he stepped outside. Looking more miserable than I'd ever seen him.

Something inside me broke. He may have screwed up, but he tried. He tried so hard.

"Discord wait!" I said.

The Lord of Chaos froze.

"I'm not saying yes..." I said, "But I'm not saying no either okay?" I reached out a hoof and touched his claw. "Give me some time to think."

Discord smiled, I saw a glint of hope on his face. "Take all the time you need dear Princess... Neither of us is getting any older."

"I don't know if that's true, but whatever I decide... Thank you."

He blinked. "For what?"

I smiled. "For showing me your world."