I awoke on my knees in front of a huge castle, but it was nothing compared to my Palm Beach mansion. I blinked for a second trying to understand why I thought I owned a home in Palm Beach. I was just some average joe, working in America’s Heartland in some non-descript blue collar job, raising my kids and believing in the American dream. In fact, my name was Joe. I had a wife, named Melania—no, Sherry.
“What the hell’s going on here?” A thick New York accent came out. Why the hell did I have a New York accent? I was raised in Midwest!
But, before I could realize what was even happening, a horde of these black bug-like horse things with wings, horns, and random holes in their bodies came charging at me out of nowhere. My first instinct was to cower, but a voice inside me told me no. I stood up tall, straightened my red Trump Collection tie, which I apparently had on, and pointed a firm finger at the lunging creatures. “You’re fired,” I said with authority. Suddenly the creatures stopped mid air and fell to the ground weeping in agony.
I don’t know what I just did, but it saved my ass.
I didn’t know what came over me. I looked at my hands. Older, slightly more orange than I remember them being. I had a black suit jacket on. Sharp. And a pair of black dress pants. I spared no expense. I looked into a window next to me and caught my reflection. My jaw about dropped as I touched my hair. The thick, lion’s mane that I had now was nothing like the trash I was used to.
I smirked and straightened my suit cuffs. “I get it.”
It all came flooding back to me. I remembered everything. I was on my way to a rally—I was going to see the big guy himself, Donald Trump. The man who was going to make my country great again by kicking out the Mexican rapists, banning those damn terrorists from Packasyriairan, and getting tough on China so they couldn’t take my non-descript job. He was going to change everything. He was the guy we could trust to run America, just like he ran his companies with some savvy business decisions.
I wanted to look nice, so I did my best to dress up like him. I went out, and dropped a few bucks on the Trump brand. I had myself a 5-star suit, a luxurious red tie, and I felt like a million bucks for an affordable price. But, after I got to the Rally, something was missing. I couldn’t emulate my idol without the crowning glory. I couldn’t try to be the big man without actually looking like him! That’s when I saw it.
Some creepy old salesmen had something sitting on his counter. I walked up to it, and he gave it to me for cheap. I had it, the final piece of the puzzle. I put on that glorious wig—which might've been a dead corgi now that I think about it—and walked away triumphantly to join my fellow patriots as we kicked some thugs out of our rally for having the audacity to wear a gold star. But that’s when things got weird. It all got black, and that’s when I woke up here.
The smoke coming from the castle and the screams from the city behind me were enough to tell me all that was going on here. I started walking up the stairs to the castle, brushing my luxurious mane down. I couldn’t help but strut. If this was a dream, I was the king. I’ll show these horse-bug things what a little bit of Trump policies can do to fix this mess. And I'll start by getting rid of these illegals.
When I got to the top of the stairs, the castle doors opened for me, almost as if they knew I was coming. Of course they'd know, I'm Trump. I should be more shocked if doors didn't open by themselves for me. I cracked my knuckles as I stepped inside to see quite the sight. On the ground lay a big white horse with wings and a horn. What a Pansy. I glanced up to see a big, black bug-horse—bigger than the rest of I’d faced—standing over her with a glowing green horn. My eyes narrowed. “Look at this big, tough guy over here,” I said as I strutted over to the bug-horse.
Once I had her attention, I held my hands out, telling her to bring in. “You’re nothing but a knucklehead, you know that?” It was as if the big man was speaking through me. I had become the Trump!
“What are you supposed to be?” The bug-horse asked. I didn’t even care a bug-horse could talk. All I cared about was doing the right thing. And the right thing was the business smart thing, and that was kicking this stupid bug-horse's ass on out of here.
“Me?” I pointed at my chest. “I’m the guy who’s gonna make this country great again. You know, I’ve built toilets bigger than this piece of shit. And I don’t like terrorists comin’ in here and takin’ a dump all over it. Let me guess, you came here to get away from ISIS, didn't you?" I shook my head and chuckled. "Of course you did. What do you expect from such a weak person in charge!”
Bug-horse laughed. “Terrorists? Isis? I have no idea what you're saying, confused creature. We came here to feed! These ponies have an abundance of love and—”
I waved my hand to cut the stupid bug-horse off. I wasn’t having any of this. No goddamn terrorist bug monsters were going to come into some country on my watch, especially not when I could make a quick hundred-mil on branding this place. Easily make this a 5-star hotel. Luxurious. “Oh, so you just thought you’d waltz in here from—" I eyeballed the bug-horse for a second. It was dark enough, and the look on its face definitely looked like a rapist, so I ran with it. "—let me guess, south of the border?—live here, eat our food, take our jobs, mooch off my tax dollars, and rape our women? Not on my watch!” I took a step closer.
“What do you plan to do about it, strange creature? I’ve already captured the elements, beaten the Princess, and I have enough power to—”
“Let me finish!” I yelled to shut the bug-horse up. “You're as big of a pain in my ass as Jeb, and he didn't get a break either. Here's what I'm gonna do. I’m going to build a wall to keep trash like you out of my country, and you and your little schmucks here—” I flung my wrist around, pointing to all the small fries around the room, ”—can expect to see the bill at the end. That's right, you're going to be paying to keep your little hooligans out of my country. You got any problems, I’ll just have the good ol’ US of A military stop by for your afternoon asswhoopin’, kapeech?”
I was now standing toe to toe with the freak. I pointed my finger right in its chest and narrowed my eyes. “Now, get the hell off my country,” I said just loud enough for it to hear. I then moved my hand from its chest to its head, giving it a firm pat and shoving it to the side.
Bug-horse’s jaw dropped. It didn’t now how to handle this. After a second when it all came crashing down that it just got told, I saw its messed up horn thing starting to glow. That's when I pulled out my Trump card. I pointed a firm finger at the bug-horse and it stopped that stupid glowing. “What did I tell you, moron?”
It was like Bug-horse suddenly shit a brick. It stepped back embarrassed, like its pants would be stained brown if it turned around—or wore pants. Suddenly, it cowered back as I stood tall and proud. It was like I could picture the American flag behind me. No idiot bug-horse could touch me now. It could sense the power of the Big Man. After all, no one enters the room with Trump and doesn’t sense his presence. He—no, I am a force to be reckoned with.
Bug-horse motioned with its head for the army of smaller bug-horses to leave. In a flash they all booked it for the door, with big bug-horse looking back at my like it was about to cry. So weak. Once they all cleared out, I saw all the other non-bug-horses standing up and looking relieved. But my attention was drawn to the room. This place needed some gold, and bad. I bet I could slap my name on this place, gold-encrust it, and get a 5-star rating on it in no time. Spare no expense.
Once a group of the little horses walked up to the bigger white one, I looked down at them. A purple one, some orange one, another little white one I'd probably do if I was a horse, a blue one, a yellow one, and a sissy pink one. “Who’s in charge here?” I asked the group.
The biggest white one stood up, wiping some blood from her lip. She was clearly thankful I beat the big black one and saved her fragile self. “I am. My name is Princess Celestia, and I thank you.”
“Good. You’re fired.” I pointed a firm finger at the creature and turned to walk away. "Get this weaking out of my sight." If this had been an action movie, fireworks would have exploded in the background from the sheer awesome of that line.
I heard her burst into tears behind me. Who even cares? I held up my hands and yelled, “Say hello to President Trump, dumb horses!”
Suddenly a blue horse, almost as tall as the white one wrapped its legs around me and kissed me on the lips. “Thou hast overthrown my sister’s tyranny! I thank thee!” It then turned around and flashed me its huge ass, which about made me gag.
For the first time in either of my lives as Joe or the Big Man, I had been kissed by a horse. It took a moment to sink it and then that was enough of that. It'd sure as hell be the last time I let some talking horse mutant thing ever touch me again. I pushed the fat thing down. “I only date girls half my age,” I said to the thing as I straightened my tie, without even looking down where it fell. I strolled triumphantly out of the castle. The doors opened when I walked up again, and I stepped out. I now realized it was because I was me that they opened. I walked out into the daylight, just in time to see a crew of horses slapping Trump on the front of the thing. I didn’t waste time.
After all, I had a lot of work ahead of me making this shithole great again, whatever it was called.
Author's Note
My whole take on the displaced genre. It looked like it was fun and would get me all the hoers fame!
