Author's Note

Thanks to Zemer for helping out with this, and for coming up with the idea.

Even If It Seems Like We Don't

Big Cheese and Fresh Linen are sitting at the Stable's small diner, enjoying a hearty breakfast of food cubes. Linen was going to the water fountain to fill a glass cup when Cheese caught his attention.

“You know, Doc,” she began, “I think I might have cancer.”

“Have you been coughing up blood?”

“No.”

“Extreme chest pains?”

“No.”

“Headaches?”

“Only when Wooden is in the room.”

“Then what makes you say you have cancer?”

“Because I have this giant ass lump on my fore leg that's not going away.” She extends the limb towards the doctor, who pushes his glasses up to examine it.

“That's your pip-buck.”

Cheese looks at the device. “Oh.”

With that out of the way, Linen continues to the fountain to fill his glass. Pushing the lever, he finds his cup filling with a thick layer of cheese. “That's… odd,” he says with a raised brow.

“I know,” Cheese responds, “I've already downed four bottles of beer and I'm not even seeing two of you yet.”

“I was more so referring to the fact that the fountain is producing cheese instead of water.”

“There's more of me coming out of the water?”

“No, there is no water. Only cheese.”

“So… me?”

“No, I mean actual cheese.”

“Yes. I am Cheese. There is only one Cheese and it is me. If there was more than one Cheese then I'd invite her to a sleepover, where I'd then feed her a poisoned drink to keep my position of power. If there's going to be a clone of me, then I'm going to be the one to make it. Then harvest its organs for later in case one of my own fail. Be nice to have an extra liver just in case.”

“Ma'am, don't be ridiculous. It'd be more beneficial to keep the clone alive so that when you need it's organ, it is fresh and ready for transplantation. But that's not the point. I'm trying to tell you that we have a dairy product coming out of the water fountain instead of water.”

Cheese rolls her eyes. “Oh stop complaining and just get some tap water.” She gets up and goes to the sink to demonstrate her point. Turning the valve, cheese starts pouring out of the faucet and spills over.

“Holy shit, Doc, there's cheese coming out of the faucets!”

“Profane exclamation, ma'am, there is.”

Cheese's eyes shrink to pinpricks at the realization. “Sweet Celestia, this is the best thing to ever happen to this place since Wooden got her mane stuck in the reactor.”

“Well, yes, cheese coming out of the pumps is quite the prospect, but I'm afraid it may end in our demise.”

Cheese had wrapped her mouth around the faucet, filling her mouth to the brim with cheese, before she gulps it down and looks back to Linen. “What are you talking about? Cheese has never betrayed equinity.”

“The cheese's allegiance isn't much of the issue, so much as how we are going to survive without water.”

Cheese levitates a beer bottle she was in the middle of drinking, shaking it at the doctor.

“Ma'am, we can't hydrate ourselves with alcohol for the rest of our lives.”

“Sure we can, I've been living off this stuff since I was, like, a baby.”

“Be that as it may, it's-- wait, what?”

“Look, all I'm saying is beer is good and cheese is good. Now we got both at the cost of a little water. Plus, it finally gives me a reason to ban water consumption and begin my beer-cheese diet regiment.”

“Cheese, you cannot ban water. It's one of the essential components to life. Ponies would die without it.”

“Did water save Equestria? Did water stop the mega spells? Did water stop Dad from telling me what to do? Nope! Now if you'll excuse me.” Cheese takes a half-empty beer bottle and places it under the faucet, mixing the alcohol with the cheese.

Fresh Linen shakes his head at the sight and exits the diner. Trotting down the hall, he spies Janitor's rear sticking out of an open panel in the wall. “Janitor,” he calls as he steps closer, “we have a problem.”

Janitor backs out of the opening, head completely covered in cheese. “Tell me about it. Cheese is clogging the pumps. The only good news is that it’s actual cheese and not our Cheese.”

“Cheese is not just clogging the pumps, it's coming out of every water source in the Stable.”

Suddenly, a giant blob of cheese with the loose figure of a pony approaches the two. Stopping in front of them, a tongue protrudes from the general direction of it's face and laps at the cheese around it, revealing a red muzzle underneath. “I went to use the bathroom,” Pie Hole starts, “and the toilet gave me cheese.”

“This is worse than I thought,” Linen remarks. “We can't even resort to drinking the toilet water if cheese starts filling it.”

Janitor looks at the doctor. “Why would that be your first worry?”

Linen ignores him, turning on the broadcaster on his pip-buck. “Wooden Finish, are you aware of the cheese issue here?”

The mare's voice responds with a start. “Issue? This isn't like forgetting to recycle the air in the Stable, Doc. The fucking bitch finally went and started the cheese invasion!”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Big Cheese, who else,” she elaborates as hammering sounds are heard on the other end. “Who else would taint our water supply with the dairy product of doom?”

“Wooden, as… disturbed as Cheese may be, I doubt she would have the prowess to cause something like this.”

“You tell me that when she replaces our brains with cheese. Oh wait, you won't be able to because it'll be too late by then. It's high time we raid the armory and rise up, brothers and sisters.” The sound of a shotgun pump is heard on the other end. “Mutiny! MUTINY!”

“Is that Wooden threatening to mutiny again,” Cheese asks over the comm. “Don't be silly, you can't mutiny against me. We're not on a ship and I'm not a captain. Your mutiny won't do anything.”

“Tyrannical swine!”

“Would you two please stop arguing so we can solve this problem,” Linen interjects.

“The only problem I need to solve is how much cheese I can stuff down my throat,” Cheese retorts.

“So in addition to starting a complete take-over, you're also admitting to cannibalizing your own troops,” Wooden accuses.

“What? Sorry, can't hear you. I'm too busy finding this cheese a new home in my stomach.”

“Oh, you cruel, oppressive--”

Linen shuts off the broadcaster and turns back to the two others. “Right, well they won't be of any use. How do you two think we should approach the situation?”

Pie Hole flaps her wings, sending cheese every which way. “Let's throw a birthday party for the cheese!”

Linen holds his hoof up to shield himself from the cheese projectiles. “I don't think that will work.”

“Why not?”

“Cheese doesn't have birthdays.”

Pie Hole blinks a few times before falling back on her haunches, wailing out in tears. “But-but, there were born and loved by ponies from all over. Why can't they have birthdays,” she asks through fits of tears.

“Cheese was created, not born. You can't throw a birthday for something that wasn't birthed.”

Pie Hole stops her crying, sniffling a bit. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Oh,” she says, deflated.

“Janitor,” Linen continues, “do you have any ideas?”

Janitor raises his hoof to his chin in thought. “Well, if the cheese is coming from the sources of water, it could be a problem with the water talisman.”

“Then it's to the water talisman we go,” Linen remarks as his pip-buck gives him an update.

DATA>Quests: Cheesing the Enemy – Save Stable 7 from the cheese infestation.

Janitor and Linen trot to the water room, but not before he looks back to Pie who is still sitting. “Um, coming along, Pie?”

In the midst of the conversation, Pie Hole's mind had drifted from its sad state and into a completely new one. One where anything was possible; where any idea could be made real. In this state, she ran around with very gouda friends, who one day took her to a munster of a party. It was here that she met her havarti school sweetheart, Rodoric, and lost her cheese virginity.

Alas, his father, Remoudou, would not allow him to see her again for she was poor and had a bad aftertaste. But this curdling love cannot be so easily dissuaded, as Rodoric defied his father's wishes and sneaked under the cheese of night to see his love. Pie and Rodoric then eloped, being wed in Cheesenadia, where anypony could be legally married at the age of cheese.

They lived together, having cheese-pony children and led a peaceful life in their cottage cheese. But fate would not have their happy life so cheesy. Pie had contracted the dreaded Limburger disease. She fought hard and well, but the poor mare's cheesy resolve was not strong enough to fight it off. On her deathbed, she looked to Rodoric, holding his aged texture and whispering into his spicy flavor. The night she passed, those fateful last words were, “I cheese you.”

Her mind snaps back to reality at the sound of Linen's request. “Coming,” she says happily as she practically bounces down the hall.

=(o)=

Arriving at the water room, the three come to the sight of the water talisman completely covered in a cheesy growth, enveloping the bulky device like webbing.

“What...”

“The...”

“CHEESE,” Janitor, Linen, and Pie say respectively.

Janitor trots up to the growth, gently poking it with his mop. Within seconds, the tool is grabbed with spindly cheese appendages and dragged into the gooey mess, disappearing under the dairy product.

“Okay,” he begins, “there is definitely some magical force at work here.”

“What kind of magic could cause this to happen,” Linen asks in shock.

“I'm not entirely sure, but if I had to guess, something must have screwed up the talisman’s properties, causing it to produce cheese.”

“But how?”

“That's a good question,” Janitor finishes, opening up his pip-buck's broadcaster. “Loop Tie, can you review the footage of the entrance to the water room?”

In response, a fleshy flapping sound could be heard over the communication.

“Loop Tie, are you masturbating to Cheese again?”

“No,” came the startled response of Loop Tie. “I was just, um, playing with my flesh ball.”

Janitor looked at the device in silence for a moment. “Your flesh ball.”

“Uh, yeah. It, you know, bounces and makes flesh noises.”

A few seconds of silence pass again. “Uh.. huh. Well, when you're done playing with your 'flesh ball,' we need you to look at some footage.”

“Ah yes, footage. Um, yeah. Okay. W-what do you need?”

“Footage from the water room entrance, starting from last night.”

“Yeah, give me a sec.” A rapid series of key taps are heard on the other end.

“Do you really have to type that much to pull up some footage?”

“No.. but it makes me feel important.” A few key taps are heard before stopping. “Okay, starting from last night it looks like…”

Flap

“Um, sorry. Um, looks like there...”

Flap

“O-okay, so last...”

Flap

“I...”

Flap

Loop Tie's voice grows distant and annoyed over the comm. “Look, I'll play with you later, alright. I'm in the middle of something.” His voice returns to full volume. “Uh, sorry. Okay, it looks like the last pony to enter and exit that room was Pie Hole. Nopony else came in until you guys just now.”

Janitor and Linen look at each other before turning to face Pie, who is lapping at some cheese enveloping her hoof.

“Pie,” Janitor begins, “what were you doing here last night?”

“Oh, I remember,” she exclaims with excitement. “Okay, so I was making my rounds when I came inside here, and then I thought, 'wow, the water room is cool looking like everything else!' And then I saw the ceiling lights and I went like, 'hi, Ceiling Lights!' And the ceiling lights were like, “hi, Pie Hole. It's a fun day in the Stable today, huh?' And I was like, 'it sure is! I'm having a blast!' And the ceiling lights were like, 'that's great. You're an awesome pony, Pie Hole.' And I was like, 'thanks! You're awesome ceiling lights, Ceiling Lights.'

“And then we talked about flowers and animals and guns and sunshine, but then the ceiling lights were like, 'Pie Hole, why are your eyes burning?' And then I went like, 'wha?' And then my eyes started burning like they were on fire! So then I looked down, closed them, and rubbed them really hard. That's when I saw a piece of cheese on the floor. So then I thought, 'hey, Cheese's name is Cheese. I bet she'll like cheese.' But she was asleep and I'm not supposed to wake her up because she would yell and that would hurt my ears.

“So I had to put the cheese somewhere cold because that's how cheese survives. But I didn't know if the fridges work, since the only working one is in Cheese's room, so I wanted to check if we had a working one in the diner, maybe. But I didn't wanna risk the cheese going bad. So I put it on the water talisman because water's cold. So I put it on there and went to look for a fridge, but then I got tired and slept on the floor.

“Then I woke up and went to go number 1, and after that, the toilet filled with cheese. I must have done a good job cleaning up that it gave me cheese as a reward. So I ate the cheese in the toilet. Then I saw you guys in the hallway and we were talking about the cheese and then I followed you here.”

Fresh Linen stares at Pie, his brain now scattered from the tale and his mouth agape.

In the time it took her to give her explanation, the cheese had enveloped three-quarters of her body and is now slowly making it's way to her oblivious face.

Janitor continues. “Well that explains it. The cheese somehow interfered with the water talisman's properties and caused it to start producing cheese instead of water. The growth was probably a side effect to the tampering.”

“Are you sure,” Linen questions.

“It's the best theory I have.”

“Well, now that we know what the issue is, what can we do to fix it?”

“If we don't want to bother getting a replacement talisman, the only solution is to burn it.”

“Burn it? How?”

Janitor looks around the room until his eyes fall on the ceiling lights. Thinking for a moment, he uses his broadcaster again. “Wooden, we need you down here in the water room.”

“I can't,” Wooden frantically responds, “I don't know when the cheese will strike again.”

“Well, if you come down here, I promise there'll much cheese-smiting. By us. Specifically, you.”

After a moment of silence, shuffling is heard over the comm before it goes dead. Soon hoof steps are heard down the hall as Wooden bursts in, covered from head to hoof in tool boxes. “What must be done?”

=(o)=

“Well that certainly was the most creative use of wiring I've seen,” Linen remarks as he and the rest recount the day's events in the Stable's clinic.

“What can I say,” Wooden responds, “give me some tools and electrical fixtures from the ceiling, and I can make anything catch on fire.” She looks down to Pie Hole, who is bandaged from head to hoof and is laying on the clinic's bed. “Sorry, by the way. Nopony told me the cheese was trying to overtake you.”

“I smelt like burning pony,” Pie exclaims happily.

“I'm just glad we manage to avoid a crisis,” Linen says.

“Yeah,” Janitor agrees, “now things can start getting back to normal.”

Loop Tie speaks over the PA system. “Wow, talk about a 'Cheesy' end.”

The ponies give a heart warming and jolly laugh.

“Heh heh. Uh, I-I don't get it,” Loop Tie interrupts, “what's so funny?”

“You made a pun,” Janitor remarks.

“No, I was saying Big Cheese's flank is obscuring my screens.”

Before anypony could raise a question, a dragging sound is heard coming from outside the clinic. Crawling into the clinic, Big Cheese--who has now grown to an astronomical amount of weight, her entire body now a giant bulge--crawls into view.

“Hey,” she burps, drunk and exhausted from moving. “the fuck happened to Pie Hole?” The question goes unanswered as she passes out.

DATA>Quests: Cheesing the Enemy – Complete
+2.63353 XP