A green pegasus sat on a park bench, watching the children play hoofball. His cowboy hat slung low, resting just above his blue eyes as he studied the game, muttering both the offensive and defensive signals he would have called had he been a participant and not a mere spectator. Though he wore a small smile, it masked a deep sense of pain. A melancholy tune began to play in the background.
Oh Agony. Woe is me!
A stallion passing by heard the musical anguished cry and sauntered over.
Raylan, what could it be?
That makes a stallion so grand, act so miserly.
I've discovered the truth, a foregone conclusion.
And I'm telling you, to relieve your confusion
This thing that would baffle even the wisest,
This most ailing of ailment that ails me, why it's...
Yes?
It's me.
You?
Yes, indeed.
Rapturous and masterful, yet self effacing and bashful
always so humble, it's me
If I may, Mr. Raylan, I'm afraid I don't follow.
That's because you're not me, it's a tough pill to swallow.
It’s a such a burden, that even I'm forced to wallow
For nopony else sees the world through my eyes
But as great as I am, I'm hardly surprised.
A crowd began to huddle around their idol, their whispers pregnant with worried curiosity.
What, oh what, is the matter with Raylan?
The wind's been clean knocked out of his sail, and
Hush and be quiet, his story's at the tail end,
Tell us, please tell us, oh wonderful Raylan!
I watch the foals playing hoofball
With their clumsy little hoof-falls
And the way they relate
Is that they all mistakes
But I don't! and I won't! As I'm sure you all know
My perfection must suffer by being alone.
One is a number, mathematically prime
When the world stands divided, I'm the last of my kind
Standing all by myself, while everypony else,
stands on the other side of the line!
Oh, what a shame!
Such a tremendous pain
To be drowned by a cocktail of brilliance and fame
What can we do to comfort our savior?
A small pegasus colt wandered over. Can I be just like you, if only I train?
I appreciate your boldness, I think you should know
So don't think this is coldness, but I swear it’s not so
Ponies like me, well they're born, they’re not made
And all the training you do will assuredly fade
And on your flank, little colt, there's no skull, sword, or bolt
You'd be left with the feeling of being, well... a dolt
The colt sauntered off, looking both sad and confused, in equal measure.
: What a hero, that Raylan, he's just so appealing
Look at the way that he spared the colt's feelings!
So kind and so humble
He sure is a bundle, of jooooy!
Joy isn't quite the word that I'd use
It's more like a bomb that you cannot defuse
And while I certainly relish your starry-eyed stares-
If you think you're so alone, then what about the mares?
The mares? Oh ho ho, yes, the mares.
A group of six familiar ponies emerges from the crowd, smiling seductively at Raylan.
You're not alone, please don't forget us mares.
I know every other stallion, no way they compare!
Indeed! There's no pony so styling,
In a hat while they're flying as youuuuuuuuu!
Outside of fashion, you've shown us such... passion
After a good apple bucking, I'll give you a good-
Good luck, Applejack! He's got higher standards,
When it comes to bees and birds, there's no one that I'd rather scr-
Scrap that notion that I had in my head!
While I've got no equal, there's always room for a sequel
As long as I'm laying in bed!
Praise the great Raylan, he's the light of all our lives!
Even we love Raylan, we offer up our wives.
Raylan the Rapturous! How your greatness has captured us!
We hope that we've helped to change your miiiiiiiind!
For a moment the crowd was still, the crowd drawing a collective gasp of happiness when Raylan smiled.
I was right. I was right all along, I was right.
But you said-
With the sun, in my eyes, I lost sight
Couldn't see the fix to my plight,
I'll embrace my perfection, without seeking more
Amazing and awesome, not filthy or poor
And every single time that I look in the mirror
My wonderful existence becomes that much clearer
All of you have shown me, what at first I failed to see
There's nopony out there, no there's nopony out there
That's as rapturous and masterful as meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Across the park, standing on the steps of the Ponyville Courthouse, a pony watched the musical number unfold with a noticeably worsening expression of disdain upon his face. He shook his head, looking down to double check the contents of his brown satchel hugging his side. He ripped away a plastic label that read Personal Belongings - Reveille? in disgust, and continued down the stairs towards the ebbing musical crescendo. As the pyramid of ponies slowly began to dismantle itself after the grand finale, the stallion, Reveille, approached the green pegasus that had been the topic of the song.
“That was a nice bit of spectacle, but you don’t know the meaning of the word misunderstood,” he muttered coldly.
Raylan wheeled around in surprise to find a black stallion with a red mane staring at him with contempt. “Well that’s not true, I got a perfect score on the vocabulary section of my entrance exam to Luna’s school for extremely gifted pegasi who can also do magic. To be misunderstood means that ponies are ascribing a notion to words that the author or speaker did not intend.”
“Luna’s school?”
“Yes Luna has a school for pegasi who can also do magic.”
“So you’re an alicorn then? Like me?” Reveille added, whipping his crimson mane back so that his horn stood out more clearly upon his forehead.
“Oh no, I’m just a normal pegasus like everypony else. There’s nothing special about me, except I can do magic, and I’m a really good flyer and I guess I hold some records in hoofball, and I invented several spells that saved Equestria a couple times.” Raylan paused to consider if there was anything else he had left off his list. “Oh and I guess I’m an Element of Harmony, the element of Fatherhood.” Raylan said proudly.
“So… you’re basically an alicorn,” Reveille pointed out flatly.
“No, alicorns have horns.” Raylan took off his hat to reveal a fastidiously mussed mop of hair. “See, no horn.”
“Whatever. I actually have a horn AND wings. See?” Reveille rotated his body so that Raylan could see the feathered appendages along his sides. “
“That’s great, everypony is special in their own way.” Raylan said without a hint of sarcasm.
“Speaking of special,” Reveille dismissed the comment through gritted teeth, “There’s no way you could be an Element of Harmony. There’s only si- seven, and I happen to be the bearer of the last one. The Element,” he paused, adjusting the strap on his satchel to reveal the the dazzling gold lemniscate surrounding a pair of equally beautiful diamonds resting against his chest. “...of Infinity.”
Raylan leaned in to get a closer at the necklace. Though he wasn’t a certified lapidary or blacksmith he had crafted several magical artifacts, in addition his skill as mage made him sensitive to magical energies and he wasn’t feeling any emanations from the artifact hanging in front of his snout. “Are you sure that’s a real Element?”
“ARGH!” Reveille cried, whipping around in frustration to look up at the sky. “Nopony ever believes me! Not Princess Twilight, not you, not anypony! Nopony understands…”
At the mention of the princess of friendship Raylan smiled. “Twilight? I know her, she’s a good friend of mine. I mean all my friends are special but she’s certainly right up there”
“Don’t let her fool you,” Reveille muttered darkly. “I thought she was a good friend to me too. And then,” he paused again, peeking out of the corner of his eye as if to ensure that Raylan was paying attention to the yarn he was spinning. “Then, she broke my heart. After all of the time that we had spent together...”
Raylan, in addition to being an incredibly gifted pony when it came to magic, hoofball, and virtually everything else that he attempted, was also a licensed psychiatrist and therapist. A pony didn’t need both degrees to open a practice but Raylan’s alma mater had awarded him both doctorates. and several others when he graduated Raylan Cum Laude, it was like Magna Cum Laude only higher.
“So, how did that make you feel?” Raylan asked.
“I felt alone, betrayed,” Reveille looked up in melancholy. “Like I always do.”
“How long, exactly,” Raylan began gently, “how long did you spend with her?”
“Like I said,” Reveille adjusted the strap of his satchel once again, “The entire afternoon. Six hours together, and they number as some of the best of my life. We spent time sharing stories of our exploits, sharing our deepest fears and feel-”
“Six hours? As in, more than twenty two minutes? Let me get this straight, you spent the whole afternoon with her and she didn’t throw herself at you? I don’t understand,” Raylan said furrowing his brow.
“What’s not to get?”
“You spent time with her, right?”
“I thought I made that quite clear,” Reveille said crossly.
“And then you didn’t have sex?”
Reveille gritted his teeth. “We did not.”
“Oh so you mean she wanted to but you said no because you’re a gentlecolt who didn’t want to take advantage of her?”
“No.”
“You were interrupted?”
“No.”
“You were saving your stamina for the orgy her friends were planning to throw you later?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry but I don’t understand. Mares always fall in love after one meeting. I mean it doesn’t always have to be at the library. With Rainbow it was in the practice field, and with Rarity it was the Boutique, Fluttershy, cottage Pinkie, Sugar Cube Corner. Sweet Apple Acres for Applejack. Lyra and Bon Bon at their house, Trixie at that bar outside of town, Spitfire at the Wonderbolts academy and with Cheerilee it happened at the school house after I spent an afternoon rescuing the school children from a pack of diamond dogs but I’ve never heard of anything like what you’re describing.”
“It’s like you said before, and like I’ve known all along,” Reveille sighed in frustration. “I’m just not like everypony else.”
As a single tear rolled down Reveille’s cheek in dramatic slow motion, a mare came dashing from the other side of the park in a panicked frenzy.
“The horror, the horror!” she cried dramatically as she came to a halt before the two stallions.
“Indeed,” Raylan nodded his head sadly. “I can’t imagine not having mares instantly fall head over hooves for me…”
“I’m not talking about his sexual dysfunction,” the mare rolled her eyes, “I’m talking about the monster approaching Ponyville!”
“What monster?”
“Tirek escaped from Tartarus and he somehow got Nightmare Moon’s powers and Twilight and her friends tried to stop him but he just absorbed their magic and then Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Discord all tried to stop him but he beat them too and now you’re are only hope Raylan.” The nameless mare paused to catch her breath. “Um if we don’t all die, my husband’s away for the weekend…” she said softly.
Reveille, despite his fur being as a black as the night sky, grew pale. “Did you say… Nightmare Moon?” he breathed raggedly.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there,” the mare’s bedroom eyes narrowed in annoyance as she noticed Reveille standing next to Raylan. “Yes, yes, I did.”
“Nightmare power,” Raylan echoed. “Your reaction speaks volumes, friend. This is truly a crisis, isn’t it? We need to defeat Tirek, and we need to do it now.”
Reveille’s eyes widened. “We?”
“As Elements of Harmony, aren’t we obligated to ensure that this mare, and all of Equestria, are safe?”
“Well-”
Reveille’s stuttering was interrupted as a small orange pegasus filly approached Raylan at top speed, tears shimmering in her violet eyes.
“No daddy, you can’t go,” the filly wailed, clinging onto his forelegs.
“I have to, Scootaloo, innocent ponies are in danger and I swore never to let any innocent ponies be hurt again, not after watching my parents get gunned downed by that mugger,” Raylan said staring off into the distance.
“My mother died of radiation sickness,” Reveille noted to absolutely no effect from the other two.
Scootaloo looked up with wide eyes. “But what if something happens to you? I don’t want to go back to the orphanage.”
“I spent my formative years living as a homeless orphan.” Reveille said. Nothing.
Raylan stared ahead with a steely eyed glare. “I didn’t ask for a fight, but I won’t run from one either.” He gently pried Scootaloo off of his forelegs. “Go run home, I’ll take care of this.” He turned to Reveille “C’mon we’ve got a world to save.”
“You have a daughter?” Reveille asked, momentarily distracted.
“Yes I adopted her. I know that I’m the one who’s supposed to teach her, but I think that sometimes she’s the one teaching me,” Raylan said,continuing to address the empty space far off in the distance.
“That’s… nice,” Reveille shrugged. “I was adopted too, so I can relate in a sort of off-hoofed sort of way. Still, Nightmare power is not a thing to trifle with…”
“If it were easy, anyone could do it,” Raylan said with a cocksure grin. Sensing some fear on the part of his new expendable companion Raylan added one more tidbit. “If there’s one thing the ladies love it’s a stallion who’s just saved the day. C’mon, let’s go.”
“What are you waiting for?” Reveille shouted as he sprinted across the park towards the towering figure in the distance. “We’ve got a world to save!”
Nightmare Tirek stood across the field on the edge of ponyville. The bodies of Luna, Celestia, Discord, Cadence, Shining Armor and the bearers of Elements of Harmony floated behind him, encased in translucent bubbles. The power of the four alicorn princess and nightmare moon dripped from his oversized torso. “Foolish ponies, I have defeated your princesses and your precious elements of Harmony. Not even Rainbow Power™ can stand against my might, who are you to oppose me?”
“We’re the last two Elements of Harmony,” Raylan said without a hint of fear.
For a moment Tirek appeared dumbfounded, quickly masking the expression with a snarl. “There are only six elements. Regardless, it doesn’t matter how many Elements there are,l will defeat them all.”
“Elements aren’t the only thing we have, there’s also this!” Raylan raised his hoof in the air and for a few moments nothing happened. An evil smirk crossed Tirek’s face. Then a faint buzzing could be heard, growing louder until it became undeniable. A sword flew, unpropelled by any external force until it came to rest in Raylan’s outstretched hoof, as soon as it did a bright flame engulfed the blade as a bolt of lightning fell from the sky.
The satisfied expression quickly vanished from Tirek’s face. “That’s Naylar,” he growled.
“That’s right. The destiny shaper, forged in the heart of the sun itself. It’s the most powerful sword in all the land, beholden to the one true defender of the realm, and you’re looking at him.”
Reveille nervously rifled through his satchel, and pulled from its depths a cylindrical object. With more than a little trepidation, he held it aloft. He was careful to adjust his hoof so that the image of The Great and Powerful Trixie was hidden.
“And I have...” his eyes darted back and forth rapidly. “This! The light of er… Great Power. I happened upon it as I travelled throughout the millennia, and… yeah.”
Raylan squinted his eyes at it. “That looks like a firework.”
“Like all things involving me,” Reveille said, “nothing is as it seems.”
“Can’t you just, you know,” Raylan mused for a second, “use a magic spell or something?”
“Well…” Reveille rubbed the back of his head. “You see, he’s got Nightmare Power, and my mother - she was Nightmare Moon. My magic won’t work.”
“Nightmare Moon? I find that hard to believe, I mean she was on the moon for a thousand years, how would she even have children?”
“ARGH!” Reveille cried, whipping around in frustration to look up at the sky. “Nopony ever believes me! Not Princess Twilight, not you, not anypony! Nopony understands…”
“Did you write that down? I swear you said that before-”
“Enough!” Tirek roared. “It doesn’t matter where your powers come from - I will absorb them just the same!”
Raylan charged into battle, his wings flapping as hard as they could, using the technique he taught Rainbow Dash for flying faster. Tirek responded by throwing deadly darkbolts toward the sprinting pegasus. Quickly Raylan threw up a shield he had learned from Twilight. Of course the harmonic frequency modulation he used to strengthen Twilight’s spells were his own. Twilight hadn’t quite been powerful enough to make them work, but it was no problem for Raylan.
Meanwhile, Reveille galloped on the ground below Raylan, albeit at a much less heroic pace. He carried the Light of Great Power in his mouth as he ran, watching the sparks and flashes from the combat above. Distracted by the genuine article that was Raylan the Rapturous, Reveille’s hoof collided with a precariously placed pebble that sent him tumbling forward. As he gasped in surprise, the Light of Great Power sailed from his mouth and landed on the ground several yards in front of him.
Tirek launched bolt after bolt at the green pegasus before him, growing more and more frustrated as his attacks were proving to be ineffective. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a flash of light on the ground below. Cautiously, the beast ceased his onslaught against Raylan’s approaching figure as a whistling sound pierced the air, and several colorful sparks exploded into existence above the miniscule figure of Reveille below. Then, there was nothing but a wisp of smoke and an acrid scent that quickly dissipated. He blinked.
“You fools! If that’s the best you can do, then I have nothing to worry about! Talk about pointless!”
But in the moment that Tirek took his eyes off Raylan, the green defender saw his opportunity. Flashing back to when he was teaching Applejack how to lasso as well as his tips to Rarity about threading a needle he reared back and sent his sword flying straight toward the centaur. Tirek’s dark power was no match for the pure light of Naylar as it cut through the black shields thrown up by Tirek. The point of the sword buried itself square between the eyes and Tirek began to stumble. Raylan called forth another bolt of lighting as the sun's fire again engulfed the blade, killing Tirek instantly.
Reveille let out a sigh of relief as Tirek’s body fell to ground with an unceremonious thud. “Pretty sure you got the point,” he said with a chuckle. He turned to Raylan expecting to see a similar expression, but instead found only a solemn determination.
“I’m sorry,” Raylan whispered. “One death, diminishes us all,” he said, again staring into the distance.
His apology was interrupted by a bone crushing hug from Twilight, who kissed him on the mouth before he could say anything. “Raylan! I knew you’d save us,” she gushed as she leaned into his embrace.
“Hey easy there Twi, don’t hog him all to yourself, some of us want to show our appreciation too,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Whatever tawdry plans you have are going to have to wait. Raylan will be spending his evening in my company,” Rarity said, pulling the green pegasus toward him.
“Easy there, girls, there’s enough of him to go around, ain’t there,” Applejack said with a wink.
“Oooh fun!” exclaimed Pinkie.
“My cottage is the closest,” Fluttershy offered.
As the seven ponies hurried to the cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest, Reveille sighed deeply and took a seat next to the freshly maimed corpse of Tirek. Another melancholy note sounded in the distance, and as Reveille watched with longing at the departing group, he began to sing.
There's no kind of torture like being a male when
You know that you'll never match up to that Raylan
Author's Note
At this point I usually remind my readers that most authors love feedback.
Anything you’d like to say Taylor?
I wish that writing quality material came this fast and easily. Good quality, I mean. There’s something so much fun about writing absolutely terrible, terrible characters. Whether or not that’s fun to read, that’s up in the air. Still, I had a blast doing this collaboration with Raylan.
In the oft cited blog “How to be a better author” Obsolescence makes the point that the one valid defense to criticism is an author (or two) saying that the purpose of writing a story was solely to enjoy the process. That’s what this is. "Raylan the Great" started as a running joke in the author's notes of another of my stories. The idea being that I was going to surmount the obstacles faced by Rarity and Scootaloo with the appearance of my totally not a self insert not gary stu character who everyone loves, and then the joke took on a life of it’s own cumulating in what you just read.
Reveille was first seen in Rise of an Alicorn's Destiny, which was written for Rage Reviews F This Prompt contest.
And then one night Taylor and I (okay mostly I) wondered what a meeting between the two worst characters we could think of might be like. The result is this fic.
We hope you you enjoyed our parody. But if you’re going to point out how terrible Raylan is, or that Reveille is a different kind of terrible, rest assured we already know.
