The door shut without even a single creak, and Spike sighed as he stepped into the darkened room. He could still hear music and laughter from the party that he’d just left. Applejack’s hearty chuckle played a countermelody to Twilight’s uninhibited guffaws.
Spike frowned and stumbled through the dim side room. The library may not have been designed to host parties, but Pinkie Pie hadn’t really been bothered by that. After the group’s success in Canterlot repealing the changeling invasion, she’d decided that the only possible way to react was with an “enormous, gigantic, ginormous!” party. All of Ponyville had been invited, and the entire evening had gone off marvelously for everypony.
Everypony.
The small dragon climbed up onto one of the comfortable couches in the room that the library had instead of a guest bedroom. He came here often to read his comics or try to hide from some of his chores… He snorted at the thought, and a whisper of a grin tugged at his lips. But then, a particularly loud cheer from the other room shook him and the smile faded.
Reaching to the desk next to him, he pulled on a small chain connected to a lamp. Light flooded the room, and Spike nodded to himself. Two comics lay on the cushion beside him, so he reached over to pick one up. He didn’t spare a glance at the cover. It didn’t really matter at this point.
Words and pictures. Flimsy sheets of paper stained by ink. Hours and hours of somepony’s work in his hands, but… that’s all that they were to Spike right now. Barely even an escape…
He could barely focus his eyes as the cheer and joy from the other room pulled at him. Inside of his chest, it felt like his heart were being pulled in two… and he had no idea why.
With yet another sigh, he allowed the rather unhelpful comic fall onto his chest. He allowed himself to slump down and covered his face with a claw. All he wanted to do was sleep, or go for a walk, or something, but—
The door across the room slid open slowly. Once again, it didn’t creak, but Spike heard it anyways. He sat up immediately and put his comic to the side.
Fluttershy walked into the room and shut the door behind her. She hummed to herself as she turned around, but immediately stopped as she glanced toward the couch. “Oh, Spike!” she exclaimed. “I-I thought this room was empty… I hope I’m not intruding.”
Clearing his throat, Spike said, “Oh, hey Fluttershy. No, it’s fine. I was just…” He glanced down at his comics and shrugged. “I dunno. I wasn’t really doing anything at all, I guess.”
“Oh.” She smiled sweetly. “In that case, do you mind if I stay in here for a bit? It’s gotten kind of loud out there…”
“Sure,” he said. With a scamper, he slid to the other side of the couch and put his comics down on the floor. “You can sit down if you want.”
Fluttershy’s smile grew broader. “Thank you.” Daintily, she walked over to him and sat on the newly vacated cushion. “I like this room,” she commented. “It’s pretty.”
Spike nodded at looked around. As with most of the tree library, this room was filled to the brim with book, books, and then a few more books. The two couches, three tables, and the lamps along the walls completed the contents of Spike’s hideout. With walls colored a deep, soothing green, the room seemed to radiate comfort. “Yeah,” he replied. “I think it’s my favorite place here.”
She replied with a nod, and the two sat in silence for a while. The music continued to pulse in the other room, and Fluttershy chuckled lightly. “I think that Dash is having a lot of fun in there. She borrowed a friend’s sound system for this, she said. She does look kind of funny in those headphones, though.”
Spike snorted but didn’t say anything.
The party had started out fine. Everypony came over, and that meant everypony. The library hadn’t been this packed since Spike’s first day in town. Rainbow Dash had set up a bunch of equipment that Spike hadn’t recognized, put on a pair of glasses, and declared herself the evening’s DJ. She wasn’t half bad, either. But as time went on, the noise, the crowd, the laughing… It had been too much. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move. Had to get away, but knew he couldn’t. Nose, movement, crowded, alone…
“Spike…” Fluttershy said quietly. “Are you okay?”
As he shook his head to pull himself back, Spike realized that he’d been clenching his claws into the armrest of the couch and breathing heavily. He glanced over to see Fluttershy looking back, her eyes wide in concern. He said, “I… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” she asked before scooting over closer to him. “What’s going on, Spike? Is something wrong?”
Spike released his grip on the side of the couch and inhaled deeply. “Umm… I just feel kind of…” She watched so patiently. She always did… “I don’t know how to explain. It’s like… It’s like I’m all alone out in the crowd.”
The pegasus squinted her eyes for a moment and then nodded slowly.
“I couldn’t breathe out there,” Spike blurted. “They were all over the place, and everypony was so happy. They were being really nice to me, but… I couldn’t do it. Everypony’s happy, and I’m just…”
“Just not happy?” Fluttershy finished for him, tilting her head inquisitively. “Is that what’s wrong?”
“Yeah.” Spike slumped down in his seat again. “I have no idea why! I was fine right before the party, and everything’s been great today, but then this happens, and I don’t want to be around my friends, don’t want to hear the music, don’t want to go out there, don’t want to be here at all!” His hands shook, and he balled his claws up into a fist. “It’s stupid. It’s just stupid.”
Fluttershy scooted closer and extended a wing to the dragon. “It’s not stupid,” she said matter-of-factly. “It’s not stupid at all.”
“Of course it is!” he said. “Everything's fine, and I’m just being dumb. I need to just stop it, and—”
“Spike.” Fluttershy gently turned him to face her. “I need you to take a deep breath with me, okay?”
The room was almost spinning. His whole body shook, and the music just kept going. His eyelids slammed shut of their own accord, and he just wanted to fade back into the couch until he was completely inside the cushion and just fall asleep and never wake up and be alone and—
“Breathe in…”
Shakily, he listened to the still, small voice. Inhale.
“Hold it for a few seconds…”
Time passed like a Breezie flying a marathon. An hour in an instant.
“Breathe out…”
Exhale. His jaw clenched as tightly as his fists.
“Hold it…”
He did.
“Now, do it again…”
They went on like that for a few minutes, and Spike felt himself gradually opening his eyes. Fluttershy had stood up at some point and was standing in front of him. Her mouth bore a comforting smile, but Spike saw the worry lines on her forehead.
“There you go!” Her praising words brought a tinge of warmth to Spike. “All right, let’s just stay calm, okay? You’re going to be just fine.”
The distant beat faded, and a muffled but softer melody filled the air. Spike nodded to his companion and sat still for a moment. Ever so very slowly, his fists uncurled, and he looked up at Fluttershy. “I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I have no idea what’s happening.”
“I think that might have been a panic attack,” Fluttershy said. “It happens sometimes.”
Again, Spike snorted. “Figures. Everything’s fine, and poor little Spike freaks out, and—”
“No, no,” Fluttershy interrupted. “We’re not going to talk badly about ourselves, okay? This can happen to anyone. It’s not your fault.”
“Well then, whose fault is it?” he asked. His gaze fell to the floor. “It’s just…”
“I have panic attacks sometimes, too,” Fluttershy told him softly. “If there’s too much happening around me, if something big just happened to me, or if I’m having a down time… It’s not anypony’s fault, and it’s not your fault either.”
“Why?” he asked simply.
She gave a lopsided smile. “I don’t know, Spike. It just happens to us sometimes. Everything can seem fine one moment, and the next? It hits us. Some times are worse than others.”
Raising a shaky claw, he wiped his face and said, “I don’t get it…”
“I don’t think anyone does,” Fluttershy replied. “You feel like you should be fine. Life seems okay, and then…”
“And then it’s like I’m all alone in the crowd,” Spike finished. Their eyes met, and they both nodded.
“Yeah. Been there!” Fluttershy gave a gentle laugh.
He wiped his nose with a claw. “How do you get through it?”
“Sometimes, I cry it out.” Fluttershy shrugged. “Or I read a book. But other times, I have to talk to a friend. I have to show myself that I’m not really alone in the crowd.”
Spike nodded slowly and looked into her eyes. Her worry lines were gone, and all that remained was the genuine affection for a friend who had felt the same pain.
Eyes glimmering, she reached down and picked up one of the comic books on the floor beside her. “The Silver Crow? I haven’t heard of this superhero before.”
Spike sat up and looked at the comic. An image of an earth pony stallion cloaked in a billowing silver cloak and a matching mask and fedora stared back at him. The dragon grinned and said, “That’s because he isn’t a superhero! He’s a private detective who was hired by the government to track down an evil criminal organization bent upon the complete destruction of the entire nation!”
“Oooh, that sounds interesting!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “Do you want to read it with me?”
Spike’s smile grew. He knew what she was doing, of course, but he didn’t care. “Yeah! Let’s read it.”
The party continued out in the main room, but, out in the quieter side of the library, two kindred souls read a comic book together and reminded themselves that no pony or dragon is ever really alone.
And neither are you.
Author's Note
This fic is dedicated to anyone who, like me, suffers from social anxiety and/or depression. It sucks. It’s hard. But you aren’t alone. You can get through it. I hope this fic helps.
