The Conversion Bureau: The Life And Times Of Jay Byront

by Curtis Kaiju

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human, Alternate Universe
Length: 1411

Jay Byront escapes being turned into a pony and makes a fool of himself.

Jay Byront is an ordinary man. But when Conversion Bureaus make Conversion mandatory, he becomes a highly targeted individual who somehow makes his way out of things, no matter how bad he muffs it up.

Set in the Conversion Bureau universe (although you probably already knew that)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-04 01:30:01 UTC

The Adventure Begins!

There was a knock at the door.

I looked up in a mix of annoyance and confusion.

"Come out!" said a voice. "We know you're in there!"

"Um..." I paused. "I'm busy!"

"We're coming in!"

The door burst open. A lime green unicorn stepped through the doorway, holding a small container of purple liquid in a magical aura next to him, only to stop

midway through the door. I glared at him from behind my seat, steadily holding the top of my pyramid made of cards.

"What are you doing in my house?" I asked, annoyed.

"Haven't you got the announcement?" the unicorn asked, confused.

"What announcement?"

"Wait, what time is it?"

"Err... 1:39."

"Oops, I'm early. I'll just go back out, shall I?"

"Yeah, alright," I agreed.

The unicorn backed through the door and closed it with his magic. Several seconds later, a soothing voice appeared in my head.

"If you can hear this, do not be alarmed. I am Princess Celestia. Due to your constant opposal of our Conversion Bureaus and continuous destructive nature,

especially the Human Liberation Front, Conversion is now mandatory. All ponies have been equipped with potions and are headed towards the nearest settlements.

Please remain seated for the duration of Conversion. That is all."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

I looked up in a mix of annoyance and confusion.

"Come out!" said a voice. "We know you're in there!"

"Um..." I paused. "I'm busy!"

"We're coming in!"

The door burst open. A lime green unicorn stepped through the doorway, holding a small container of purple liquid in a magical aura next to him, only to stop

midway through the door. I glared at him from behind my seat, steadily holding the top of my pyramid made of cards.

"Got the announcement?" he asked.

"Yep!" I nodded.

He held up the potion. "You ready?"

"Nope." I picked up my pistol off the table, and shot a small metal button just above the door. It activated a spring mechanism, causing the door to slam into the

pony's face. There was a muffled shatter of glass, a muffled thud and a muffled cry of mild pain. Pleased, I raised the pistol to my mouth and blew across the top

of it. I went to put it in my pocket, then stopped. I tried to twirl the gun around but it fell to the floor.

"Well," I said. "That kind of ruined the moment." Grimacing, I reached down to pick it up. Just as my fingers grasped round it, the door burst open again, this

time departing from it's hinges. Acting on instinct, I stood straight back up and aimed my pistol at the doorway. Now several ponies stood there, each with a

fresh dose of conversion potion.

"The hell do you think you're doing?" I yelled. "That was my door!"

"We can make you a new house in Equestria," said one pony.

"When you join us," said another.

"You'll be happier," said yet another.

"Yeah, but you say that every time," I pointed out. "Have you got a better slogan?"

There were several seconds of murmuring.

"But wait!" piped up one pony. "There's more!"

"Hmmm?" I asked.

"Actually, that's all I had," he admitted. "Anyway, time to be converted!"

"I don't take orders from people trespassing on my property!" I exclaimed, before attempting to backflip over the sofa. However, there were two problems. One,

I was actually in front of a chair, not a sofa. Two, I can't backflip for shit. Long story short, I fell through the floor. Because I live in a fifty year old goddamn

apartment, and the floors aren't designed to take the impact of a man hitting the ground with his feet stuck in his chair.

"JESUSBUTTFLUFFSHIT!" I screamed as I fell onto the sofa of the man in the room below me, Chris. Luckily, he was a good friend of mine.

"Escaping conversion, eh Jay?" he grinned, a slight tinge of fear in his voice.

"You could say that," I grinned back, a slightly larger tinge of fear in my voice.

"You got a weapon?" he asked, holding up a shotgun. I sheepishly held up my pistol. He sighed. "Let's go."

The door then burst open, causing me to have a strange sense of Deja Vu. Suddenly, Chris grabbed my hand, flung open the window with the other, and we

jumped out. Luckily, we survived, because we were on the bottom level of the apartment.

"To the Chrismobile!" he proclaimed loudly, running towards his car.

"Really?" I groaned, following him. We quickly jumped in his car, and trundled off down the road, only to find the intersection at the bottom of the hill blocked by a large group of about fifty ponies. I quickly recognised their leader as Applejack. We glanced at each other.

"Reverse?" he asked.

"Impossible," I gasped.

"Watch me."

He changed the gear to reverse, turned his head back and began reversing up the winding road that lead up the hill. I kept my eyes glued to the road ahead, too scared to look backwards. Suddenly, the car turned sharply, gave a jolt and we were moving forward again.

Confused, I looked around. We had reached a four way intersection and turned right.

"What do you think of that, eh?" he grinned like a triumphant Jeremy Clarkson.

"Show off," I muttered under my breath. But we were safe for the time being, and that was all that mattered to me.

"Radio?" Chris offered.

"Yeah, alright," I accepted. I reached over and turned on the radio, since Chris was busy driving. A news broadcast came on, describing the current chaos that was spreading across the world at that very moment. The Human Liberation Front had opened about one hundred warehouses and safe areas across the globe to accommodate any people on the run.

"We gotta go to one," I stated.

"Seems like to good choice," Chris agreed. "Where is the nearest one?"

"Err..." I stopped to think. "The nearest big warehouse I can think of is an hour's drive from here, in the industrial district, with all the Officeworks, Car Dealers and such."

"An hour's drive?" Chris said.

"Well, not counting all the ponies that'll be around. We'll probably have to take the backstreets and avoid main roads."

"So, Christ, that's, what, about a few hours?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Shit, I have almost no petrol! I can't drive for even ten minutes!"

"Then go get some petrol!" I said.

"But the only petrol station within half an hour of here," he said slowly. "Is the one at the bottom of the hill with a bunch of ponies surrounding it."

I mentally face palmed. "Goddammit Chris!"

Introduction

In the beginning there was nothing.

Then there was an explosion.

Over several billion years later, after the planet known as Earth had formed, life began to form. Then it evolved, and humans came from monkeys, or something along those lines. But things got out of hand, and then Donald Trump was elected as the American President in 2017. Things went downhill from there.

Skip forward to 2034. In the midst of a world on the brink of World War 3, bankruptcy and nuclear fallout, the nation of Equestria magically appears in the middle of the Ocean. Surrounded by a magical barrier that humans cannot enter but Equestrians can exit, all talk of war was halted until things were sorted out.

The rulers of Equestria, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Princess Twilight Sparkle saw humanity. They saw it's evil nature, and then they saw Donald Trump. They decided that living in a place like Earth could easily lead to their extinction. So with a little help from science, they developed a potion that would turn humans into ponies.

Obviously, there was some opposition, mainly from a group that Celestia branded as 'terrorists', the HLF (Human Liberation Front). But the transformation was optional, so the world leaders allowed it. Conversion Bureaus were set up round the world to accept humans willing to lead new, magical lives of friendship and harmony in Equestria.

After five years, with just over half the world's population remaining, the HLF decided they'd had enough. They stormed several Conversion Bureaus, set fire to monuments and began assaulting ponies in the street.

After a week of that happening, things turned round and shit hit the fan.

And that's were our story REALLY begins.