Princess Celestia Goes Crazy
“DON’T LET THE SUN...GO DOWN ON ME!” the princess of the sun shouted loudly. “SANG ELTON JOHN LENNON!”
That’s what said princess, Princess Celestia, standing outside on her castle’s balcony, yelled as she lowered the sun that night...only to raise it right back up. Then she lowered it again...only to raise it back up again…
She continued to lower it and raise it, eventually beginning to do so so quickly that the light from the sun began to shine on and off in Equestria like a flashlight. Civilians from all over took notice and were confused.
“LOVING THE DAY-TO-NIGHT SYSTEM, EQUESTRIA?!” Princess Celestia then bellowed so loudly, her voice echoed, and was heard by two guards in her castle standing watch in the hall leading to the balcony. Puzzled, they ran out to where Celestia was.
“Your Majesty,” said the soldiers, “we mean not to be intrusive, rather we humbly ask for…”
The soldiers paused when they saw what Celestia was doing with the sun. They became further concerned with the situation at hand when Celestia...let the sun go down, turning to them and giving them a devious smile.
“...Intrusive? Humbly ask?” Celestia said. “I’m not interested in anything you’re selling, YOU BURGLARS!”
“But...we’re not salesmen…” the guards replied, feeling somewhat scared now. What had happened to their fair and sound ruler?
“That’s what they all say!” Celestia shouted. “And then the MONTHLY PAYMENTS COME IN! WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR MY MISTAKES?! CAN’T WE JUST SETTLE IT ALL OVER A CUP OF TEA?!”
A yellow aura of magic then began to glow around Celestia’s horn, as well as around the more frightened than ever guards.
“Y-Your Majesty!” the soldiers cried. “Please forgive us for whatever we did! Please do not harm us!”
“Harm you?!” Celestia cried in response. “I’m just trying to HELP YOU put the TEA in my TEA PARTY!”
With that, Celestia used her magic to transform one of the guards into a teapot full of tea, and the other into a teacup on a tea plate. She then levitated the teapot, pouring tea into the teacup, then levitated the teacup over to her mouth and took a sip.
“IT TASTES LIKE HOT WATER!” she yelled after tasting it. “I LIKE THE TROUBLE WE PUT THE HERBS IN TO MAKE IT THOUGH!”
Levitating the teapot, teacup, and tea plate down to the ground, Celestia began to laugh maniacally. Now completely insane, she was ready to put all of Equestria in hot water…
“I’M NO SUPERMAN, YOU SCRUBS! I’m serious, you make great sponges!” she screamed happily as she leaped off the edge of the balcony, and then flew away in a Superman-esque pose.
After she had left, Princess Luna, unaware of the lunacy that had transpired, came out to the balcony to raise the moon when she saw the tea set laying on the floor. Curious, she poured herself a cup and drank it.
“By my sister’s mane, this is marvelous!” she exclaimed a laudatory remark. “The toil and trouble our subjects must have gone through to prepare this!”
“Tell me about it…” the transformed, yet still sentient guards thought.
Back with Celestia, she was still flying in a Superman-esque pose when something hit her…
“OW!” she cried in pain as a bird hit her in the face. “HORSEFEATHERS IF EARTH PONIES AND UNICORNS WERE BIRDS AND PLANES! Hey, that gives me an idea...”
Celestia then flew out into outer space and looked at the earth.
“I can go back in time now!” she proclaimed as she started flying around the earth, causing it to spin. Soon, the earth stopped spinning (but kept slowly rotating), and Celestia flew back to Equestria...to see that everything was the same.
“Now that I’ve finished paying homage to Superman, I can start paying homage to ARNOLD SCHWARZINATOR!” she yelled as she put on a pair of black sunglasses and conjured a spell that allowed her to go back in time to the day she was born.
Yesterday, in a hospital in Equestria…
Celestia’s mother was lying in a hospital bed when the doctor came in, holding a newborn Princess Celestia, wrapped in a white blanket. In spite of just being born, her unicorn horn was the same size as it is now.
“Congratulations, Mrs. Soluna.” the doctor said to her. “You gave birth to a healthy baby girl with an abnormally large horn.”
“Aww…” Mrs. Soluna went as she stared at her daughter’s eyes. “She looks so precious. I have to hold her in my forelegs…”
But having a lapse of judgement, Mrs. Soluna tried to grab her daughter by wrapping her forelegs around her instead of using levitation magic, and Princess Celestia fell on the hospital floor. She fell on her horn and half of it broke off. As the piece of her horn that broke off rolled over to her, she looked at it and began laughing.
And laughing.
For years. She didn’t stop laughing until one day, when she was seven years old watching a funny TV show…
“And NOW,” announced a cartoonish voice on the TV Celestia was staring into as she sat on a big, black leather chair, “it’s time for The Jellywellies Murder Each Other with Power Tools & Learn Why They Shouldn’t Do That!”
On the show, a blue anthropomorphic gummy bear, wearing a sack that had two holes cut into it so that he could see over his head, was revving up a chainsaw. When he finished revving it, he whacked the cycling teeth of it into the neck of a green anthropomorphic gummy bear who had brown hair in a side-part hairstyle...only for the teeth to get stuck in the middle of his neck, causing the chainsaw to stop working. The blue gummy bear and the green gummy bear both stared at the nonoperating chainsaw with a look of apathy before the blue one said…
“Well, that was pointless.”
“This fighting is pointless.” the green one said. “I can’t believe it ever came to this.”
“Me neither,” replied the blue one, “let’s make up and love each other again.”
“Agreed.” the green one happily concurred as they both smiled and hugged each other. Princess Celestia’s dad, who had been watching the show from the kitchen, was not happy…
“Oh my YOU!” he shouted at his soon-to-be god daughter. “YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THIS SHIT!”
He ran into the TV room and flipped the chair his daughter was sitting on over. Princess Luna, who had been playing with her blocks in the TV room, saw what her father did and started laughing.
“Shut the hell up!” Celestia’s father yelled at Luna. “It’s not funny! I just abused your sister! You’re laughing at child abuse! YOU’RE SCUM! YOU DESERVE TO DIE!”
Luna started crying after she heard that and so did Celestia.
“*sniff* *sob* I wish I could just close my eyes and open them to find that this has all gone away…” Celestia said sadly as she shut her eyes. When she opened them again…
...she was back where she was in Equestria after she had put on her sunglasses. She had never gone back in time and was just having a hallucination as a symptom of her schizophrenia.
“...That worked well.” she said, not realizing that what she had just experienced wasn’t real. “Yet I feel...unsatisfied. Like I have unresolved issues with my family…”
Celestia then looked out over the land she was flying over and grinned deviously once again as she remembered her other family…
“If I could never make my blood family happy…” she told herself. “...then I’ll do the next best thing...MAKE MY FRIEND FAMILY HAPPY!”
Celestia then flew down towards Ponyville and made a landing in town square. She made a maniacal grin as she gazed upon the civilians there.
“I hope none of you are afraid of...BIG BROTHER!” she shouted as she blasted a beam of magic from her horn at a random stallion and transformed him into a football. Witnessing this, the townsponies screamed and hollered in fear and began to run away.
“The p-p-p-p-princess has cracked!” another stallion exclaimed. “We have to g-g-g-g-get out of-WAAAH!”
The stallion’s words were interrupted by Celestia seizing him with her magic and lifting him over to her.
“WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?!” she yelled at him. “DON’T YOU WANT ME TO B-B-B-B-BE YOUR NANA?!”
With that, Celestia used her magic to transform him into a banana. She then zapped a mare who was running by, transforming her into a pair of knees.
“NIECE TO SEE YOUR KNEES!” Celestia bellowed. She then trapped another stallion in the vicinity with her magic, levitated him over to her with her magic and told him…
“SAY UNCLE!”
“Mercy! MERCY!” the stallion pleaded.
“I SAID GRANDPA!” she shouted as she transformed him into a pair of antlers. “DEERS DON’T HAVE UNCLES!”
Surveying all the chaos she had caused, Celestia let out a laugh that sounded like the guffaw of a madman. Eventually, witnesses of her nefarious deeds in town spread word to the other higher-ups, and Princess Luna and Princess Twilight Sparkle, both deeply concerned and distraught, arrived at the scene to find Celestia sitting on a cloud and staring at Rainbow Dash, who was bound by Celestia’s magic.
“NNAGH!” Rainbow Dash grunted. “What the horseshoes has gotten into you?! Let me go!”
“Well you know what they say!” Celestia replied. “When you gotta go, you GOT A TACO!”
Upon saying that, Celestia transformed Rainbow Dash into a taco, then laughed as she bounced on the cloud to make it rain taco sauce.
“Sister, what be the meaning of this?!” Luna demanded an answer.
“Transform Rainbow back to normal right now!” Twilight shouted. “I can’t even believe this! Why are you doing this?!”
“I JUST WANT TO SEE THE WORLD BE PROVIDED WITH HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT!” Celestia answered. “LUCKILY, I’M A FAMILY GUY! HA HA HA HA HA!”
Tears came out of Luna and Twilight’s eyes as they watched Celestia laugh insanely. They knew she was gone…
“Sister…” Luna said somberly. “We have a warrant issued for your arrest. Under penalty of terrorizing innocent civilians, you are to be taken into custody by us.”
“It pains us to do this, but we’ve been left with no other options.” Twilight told her former mentor sadly as she cast a magic spell that made handcuffs made out of purple magic appear around Celestia’s front hooves. “We have to take you away.”
“FOOLS!” Celestia cried. “You think YOU can take me away?! Only I can take me away! I’LL PUT A STOP TO YOUR SCHEME NOW AND FOREVER!”
Luna and Twilight begrudgingly prepared themselves for a fight as Celestia cast a magic spell that...teleported her to the confines of a rubber room in a mental hospital. Using her magic to make a straitjacket appear around her body, she mocked Luna and Twilight, who were watching from the window in her room.
“HA HA HA HA HA! JUST TRY TAKING ME AWAY NOW! You can’t take me here if I’m already here! SO HA! AND WAH! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
Luna and Twilight then looked at each other and began pondering.
“Well…” Luna said. “At least she can not do harm unto herself or the innocent any longer…”
“And maybe one day…” Twilight chimed in. “She’ll get better…”
The two then turned around and began to walk away.
“I only wonder what will happen concerning the issue of who will raise the sun every morning now…” Luna said.
Unbeknownst to her, however, the night had just ended. The time for day was now. Knowing this, Celestia, though still confined in her room, used her magic to raise the sun in the sky...for real this time. She then winked…
...before shouting, “I’M STILL CRAZY!”
