Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria

by NorrisThePony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 25436

A collection of Celestia, Luna, and Cadance's cynical conversations over coffee.

Every week, Equestria's princesses take a break from ruling their kingdom and discuss life. Usually over coffee.

Here are their assorted conversations.

Cover art by Grennadder. The story is marked complete because it's not a writing priority of mine, more a palette cleanser I come back to between harder projects

Published 2016-02-14 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-09 17:09:20 UTC

Power of Love (Is a Curious Thing)

"So, true love."

Celestia looked up from a heaping plate of pancakes and Cadance lowered a magazine to direct her gaze towards Luna staring at a starry-eyed young couple several rows over.

"Yeah?" Cadance drawled.

"Is it a thing? True love?" Luna repeated impatiently, pointing at Cadance's cutie mark with a hash-brown.

"Huh," Cadance frowned. "Interesting question. Depends on how you define 'true love.'"

"Like in Celestia's cheesy romance novels." Luna elaborated.

"Hey! Those are literary marvels!"

"With respect, Celestia, they are cheesy," Luna's response came with practiced calm, and she casually ducked as Celestia flicked a marmalade package at her. "The perfect stallion meets the perfect mare! Love is so powerful that the couple is completely inseparable! Love conquers all! That sorta thing. True love."

"Ah," Cadance nodded. "That true love."

"Well? Is it?" Luna pressed, leaning forwards. Even Celestia could not hide her curiosity.

"Well, first of all. Perfect stallion. Let's talk about that for a moment."

"The first wrench in the system," Luna agreed. "Hey Celestia, remember that one suitor? Prince Blue Nose, or whatever?"

"Blueblood," Celestia groaned. "The First. The longest surviving family of complete nincompoops."

"So vile, they drive her to use words like 'nincompoop,"' Luna added, to a snorting chuckle from Cadance. "Yes, he's the one."

"Remember when he accidentally called me Celestina?' One of the very princesses of Equestria, and he got my name wrong."

"What I remember is him immediately trying to court me right after you pushed him into a produce stand. As if I wished to sleep with him underneath the same sheets that my own older sister had... gotten busy underneath."

"Ew. Gross, Luna. And untrue. Still, though, acting like a complete buffon is part of the century-old Blueblood tradition. It is a miracle the family tree did not wither and die."

"What about you, Cadance?" Luna asked. "Any interesting stallion stories?"

"Not... particularly," Cadance confessed. "Met Shiney in high school, we've been together ever since."

Both sisters shared a look. Luna then stared as if Cadance had just transformed into a minotaur.

"That is... surprisingly vanilla," Celestia deadpanned, to agreeing nods from Luna. "I didn't ever pry because that would have just been creepy and awkward, but... seriously?"

"I'm the Princess of Love," Cadance replied. "I hold myself to some standards, you know."

"Shiney?" Luna looked lost.

"Shining Armor," Celestia elaborated.

"The Royal Guard Captain?! You married the Royal Guard Captain?"

"Sure did," Cadance grinned. "Well, actually no, not married, but whatever."

"Huh. The Princess and the Royal Guard. Sounds like one of Celly's crappy romance books..." Luna began, then trailed off as she realized something. "Wait, you're not married yet?"

"Nope."

"You're the Princess of Love, and you aren't married?!"

"Nope," Cadance said again. "We're getting married soon, though. Just don't let the papers hear that."

"Why did you wait?" Luna was dumbfounded. "I don't even like weddings, and I'm surprised. That's a long time to be together without legal intercourse..."

Luna trailed off as Celestia brought a hoof to her face.

"Luna, remember... 'thousand years away.' We'll talk later."

"Uh, anyways," Cadance cleared her throat. "We're not married because... well, marriages are just like, overpriced church sermons with cake."

"That's Shining talking," Celestia said.

Cadance snorted. "Him? Please. He cries like a little foal at weddings."

"So what? You use your freaky love magic to hypnotize him to your whim?" Luna sounded more impressed than disgusted.

"Come on, Auntie Luna. I'm not that bad. He's persistent, I caved, we're getting married this summer."

"Well, for what it's worth, congratulations," Celestia offered.

The solar princess lifted her cup above the table in a toast.

"Yeah, yeah," Cadance said, raising her orange juice with Celestia's teacup and Luna's coffee pot. "To love. As true as I could make it."

The three clinked, then took respective sips of their beverages.

They were silent for some time, silence that Celestia eventually broke.

"For what it's worth, true love sounds rather boring. I have no doubts love is powerful, but perfect? What fun is that?"

"Yep," Cadance nodded.

The three mares fell silent once again.

Luna groaned loudly.

"If nopony is going to say it, I will. Happy Valentine's Day, or whatever."

Author's Note

What's this? A frequently updating fic by me?

What sorcery is this?!

The Best Night Ever (For Everypony Except Celestia)

"Are you ready for tonight?"

"Am I ever!" Luna exclaimed, giving Cadance a playful punch on her shoulder. "This is going to be a blast!"

"I don't believe Canterlot is ready for us," Cadance chuckled. "Especially you. You've gotta use that epic voice of yours."

"Attention, peasants!" Luna announced boisterously, in a quieter version of her Royal Canterlot Voice that managed to turn a few heads in the diner all the same. "Your Princess of the Night and her niece require more cider! Provide it or face their wrath!"

Cadance snickered. "Yep. That's the one."

Celestia frowned pensively at their antics, but kept her focus on her paperwork. "You two sound like you've got quite the evening planned. Just stay out of trouble."

"Yes, mother," Luna trilled. "Seriously though, why aren't you coming, too, Celly?"

"Yeah, you totally should," Cadance agreed. "That paperwork can wait."

"I'm afraid it cannot," Celestia sighed. "I would love to go...ah—"

"Bar hopping!" Luna was grinning ear to ear.

"Ahem. Yes," Celestia said, rolling her eyes. "That. I would love to, but you two know how busy I am on Harmony Day."

Luna groaned. "That stupid Gala is still a thing? Freakin' Platinum."

"The Grand Galloping Gala is... not something I am allowed to miss," Celestia sighed.

"Come on, Auntie! Luna and I are going to have a blast! You're the leader of the country, just blow it off!"

"I cannot 'blow it off,'" Celestia said. "Last time I did, the papers destroyed me. Called me a racist because it was being held in Cloudsdale, and irresponsible because it was the 970th anniversary. Also, somepony bit their tongue eating a pickle and sued me for not being there to save him."

"I think it's your ego," Luna replied, apparently not hearing her. "You just love having ponies kiss you hooves."

"I do not!" Celestia barked. Her voice was unintentionally rising in intensity. "You two are lucky. You get candy and chocolate on your holidays. All I get is a boring evening full of stuffy, prudish ponies!"

A few offended patrons in the diner cast an offended glance in Celestia's direction. Luna's silly grin grew as Cadance's fell.

"I mean, I would love to go out and be irresponsible with you two," Celestia said, fiddling with a napkin. "But if anypony sees ME acting irresponsible, I'll never hear the end of it."

"So?" Luna replied. "Who cares what ponies think of you? You're not infallible. Pretty sure we proved that when you forgot your wallet and I had to pay for your breakfast last week."

"It isn't that I care what ponies think of me. But... I have ponies ready to make every slip-up of mine a chapter in a history book. And I have a student I must be a positive rolemodel to. "

"Student?" Luna blinked. "Oh! The unicorn!"

"Yes. Twilight Sparkle." Celestia narrowed her eyes. "The mare who saved your hide, you jerk."

Luna stuck out her tongue and looked away.

"Hey, wait, I know her!" Cadance spoke up suddenly. "She's your student?!"

"Indeed she is. Nice young mare."

"Yeah, she's... something," Cadance said. "Last I saw her she was hopelessly nerdy, but adorable, too."

Celestia nodded. The former had hardly changed, although she decided it would be positively creepy if she said the same for the latter.

"Well, that's a surprise," Cadance said. "Send her my regards."

"I will tell her tonight," Celestia nodded. "Hopefully she'll make the Grand Plodding Gala a little less tedious."

"She's attending? Well, if she's anything like I remember, she will," Cadance giggled. "I used to babysit her, you know. Once, I was supposed to have her take a bath, and she hid every bar of soap in the house so she wouldn't have to. Then, she hid all the pillows in the house when I told her it was bedtime. She was a diabolical genius of a filly."

"I admit I am somewhat hoping for that sort of madness tonight," Celestia sighed, sinking her head into her hooves. "Is it weird that I find ponies idolizing me to be oddly offensive? Does that make me selfish?"

The defeat was clear in Celestia's voice. Cadance and Luna shared a sorrowful glance.

Then, Luna brought a comforting hoof onto her melancholic sister's back. Celestia looked up and met her sister's supportive eyes.

"Yeah, it totally does," Luna nodded.

"Definitely," Cadance agreed. "With respect, suck it up, Auntie."

"Hate you two," Celestia grumbled. "Bring me back a bottle of scotch, will you?"

"Sure," Luna said flippantly. "Well, Cadance? It's getting dark. Should we head to the castle and get ready?"

"Yeah, let's rock," Cadance agreed. "Have fun at the gala, Auntie."

"I shall attempt to endure," Celestia waved a hoof, her attention already back at the last minute planning before her. By time she looked up, the other two princesses had disappeared into the dark streets outside.

Celestia blew her mane out of her eyes, ordered another espresso, and looked back at the papers on her table.

Amongst them was a letter from Twilight Sparkle that she had forgotten about.

Celestia grinned as she reread it, remembering the golden tickets she had sent in a heartbeat.

At least someponies would be having fun tonight. In the end, Celestia decided she'd be happy to endure a little monotony if it was for their benefit.

This Chapter is Literally About Maple Syrup

"So, why this place?"

One look around the diner, and Cadance's question was not an odd one. The diner was hardly filthy, but nowhere near fitting for three princesses.

"Indeed!" Luna's voice was muffled and bits of toast crumbs fell out of her mouth as she spoke. "Sister dearest, why—of all the places in Canterlot—did you settle on—"

"For goodness sake, Luna, swallow your food!" Celestia barked. "I have my reasons."

Cadance was unconvinced.

"And they are?"

"Good reasons."

"Which are?!"

Celestia sighed and stuffed some potato wedges into her mouth.

"The maple syrup," the solar princess said after a moment.

Cadance and Luna stared.

"I am not joking. For some reason I cannot explain, the syrup in this particular diner is absurdly good."

"The... syrup?" Cadance blinked.

"And the jam," Celestia nodded. "And even the ketchup packets are oddly superior."

Both alicorns continued to stare.

"Just try them," Celestia said, shoveling one of her pancakes onto Cadance's empty plate.

Cadance obeyed, peeling the lid off a syrup packet and swirling the pancake inside the viscous liquid.

Luna assaulted Celestia's plate with a fork and stole a good portion as well.

Then, after eating the syrup, both princesses looked up and stared directly at Celestia, who was wearing a smug grin.

"See?"

"........"

"....Why?" Luna finally said. "They look literally identical! Why are they absurdly delicious?! I do not even like maple syrup!"

Cadance, however, was not as easily convinced. "Auntie... are you telling me you frequent a subpar diner because you have a preference to their syrup?"

"Are you telling me you'd prefer a fancy diner in favor of mediocre syrup?" Celestia returned without delay. "Cadance, when it's 8AM and you haven't gotten any coffee down your throat yet, you couldn't care less about a diner's interior aesthetics. Good food, by comparison, is a godsend."

"But... but... who bases their morning schedule around breakfast food?!"

"I do," Celestia narrowed her eyes. "And Luna does, too."

"I don't!"

"Except with coffee, instead," Celestia added. "And she does not base her morning schedule around coffee, rather, coffee dictates her attitude for the rest of the day."

"That's not..." Luna began, then one gaze at her empty mug and she trailed off. "Eh, it's true. Actually, have either of you seen the waitress? I need a top-off."

"Trust me, Cadance," Celestia said. "It is vitally important. Have you ever tasted gross pancakes before? All plain and goopy? That isn't a taste one can easily get out of their mouth."

"But... but... why don't you just take some of the packets from here and stuff them into your mane or something?"

"Are you suggesting stealing?" Celestia gasped. "Cadance!"

"Seriously," Luna agreed. "That's cold, Cadance."

"I... I don't even want to glorify that with a response," Cadance facehoofed. "You two are insane."

"My dear niece," Celestia said learnedly. "When you get to be as old as Luna and I, you retain certain valuable tidbits of information. And one such tidbit is the importance of condiments. Have you ever eaten a hayburger without ketchup or mustard? Was it any good? I sincerely doubt it. Ketchup is conveniently coloured, for it is the lifeblood of good tasting food. The same applies for jam and syrup. "

Cadance facehoofed again, and reached for the alcohol menu.

She cast a glance at the clock on the wall—twenty after twelve.

"Early enough," she shrugged, and hailed a nearby waitress.

Author's Note

Based on true events.

Awful Lot of Soda In Equestria

Awful Lot of Soda In Equestria

"So," Cadance put down the beverage menu. "Coke or Pepsi?"

"I earnestly do not care one way or another."

"Wow, Aunt Celly," Cadance grinned. "Who pissed in your cornflakes?"

"I apologize. I simply do not like either. They are like if monopolization had a taste. Plus, those drinks are dreadfully unhealthy."

"Is this the part where you recommend your favourite Oolong?" Cadance jokingly retorted. "Surely you have at least a leaning preference?"

"I suppose I can appreciate the sweeter taste of Pepsi, but after drinking it for any length of time it begins to feel... caustic."

What about you, Luna?"

"I remember the former from our night out last week, but I admit I am unfamiliar with 'Pepsi."'

Cadance facehoofed. "Different coke, Luna."

Celestia looked up in surprise, giving the two a narrowed glare.

"Here, try this," Cadance hastily slid her glass of Coke over to Luna before Celestia could speak.

Luna prodded the glass with a hoof, shrugged, and sipped a little of the beverage within.

"Oh my!" she exclaimed the moment the fizzy liquid touched her tongue, her words distorted by the swishing liquid still in her mouth. "The Coke! It is attacking my tongue!"

"Then drink it, genius!" Cadance barked, ignoring Celestia's triumphant smile.

After a pregnant pause and another calmer sip, Luna frowned introspectively. "An interesting beverage indeed. And The Pepsi... it is a similar drink?"

"It's the exact same," Celestia offered.

"Oh, hush, Auntie. Let Luna decide."

An order later, and Luna was sipping from a blue and red can, while Cadance and Celestia were engaged in a vicarious debate.

"I am telling you," Celestia was saying. "They are the same. Literally. It's simply a placebo effect caused by flashy can-design."

"Then explain why ponies so frequently choose one over the other during blind taste tests!"

"Alright, fine. One is slightly different. But when will a pony ever taste the two side by side in a typical daily situation?"

"Aside from three idiots in a café with nothing better to do?" Cadance grinned. "What do you think, Luna? Coke or Pepsi?"

Pursing her lips in introspective silence, Luna set down the can and stood staring at both fizzing drinks.

"The entire debate is skewed," Luna said, after a moment's consideration.

"What?" Cadance blinked.

"Truthfully! The Pepsi shall overtake The Coke every time in a short-term taste test. The Pepsi is sweeter and more citrusy. It has less fizz, which means initial sips provide more flavour. It is as though the drink is designed to win these arbitrary taste tests, which do a poor job reflecting the overall enjoyment of the product considering nopony simply opens a soda and fails to drink the whole thing. It seems to me like ordering off-brand, non-corporate labelled cola would mean getting a more unique beverage, instead of one catered to performing well on a baseless popularity test."

Silence.

"Seriously Luna," Cadance facehoofed again. "How are you so adept at ruining the fun of every debate we have? I prefer hipster off-brand Root Beer. That's all you had to say. I mean honestly. Did you make sure to cite your sources, too?"

"Your sarcasm is no match for my intellect!" Luna exclaimed victoriously. "You both need to dump out your degenerate caffeinated beverages, anyways. Tea and soda? Bah! There can be only one caffeinated beverage to rule them all!"

Luna's coffee mug soared into the air triumphantly, soaking both Celestia and Cadance with the cooling brown liquid within.

Author's Note

Y'all can blame FamousLastWords for this one.

The best solution, by the way, is mixing all of the pop together at the fountain. That shit is good yo.

A Beginner's Guide to Subpar Conversationalism *

A Beginner's Guide to Subpar Conversationalism *

The cafe was busy, but never had any of of the princesses seen it so quiet. Celestia was busy pretending to read a dessert menu, Luna was stirring her coffee and staring into the spinning vortex, and Cadance was tapping a hoof idly on the table.

“So…” Twilight Sparkle drawled from her seat beside Celestia, glancing first at the solar princess and then looking across at Luna and Cadance, all three sitting in dead silence. “Do you girls just do this every week?”

“Yeah,” Luna said. “Normally it’s much more interesting.”

More silence.

Twilight shuffled uncomfortably. “Uh… good coffee here, right?”

The other three mumbled their affirmations and spoke no further.

Somewhere in the diner, a clock was ticking away the hours in an off-hoof way. The sound was deafening to Twilight, only serving to feed the fires of an otherwise awkward silence.

“No offense, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna eventually said. “But you’re messing up our conversation dynamic.”

“I… I’m sorry?” Twilight blinked.

“Luna, there’s no need to be rude!”

“Well, am I wrong sister?”

Celestia looked down. “N… no. But still.”

“Twilight, I think the problem is that you’re new,” Cadance offered, ignoring the bickering sisters. “It’s not your fault, but… well, Luna is right.”

“About your ‘conversation dynamic?’”

“Indeed,” Luna nodded. “We already have a pre-established balance. Another pony disrupts such a balance.”

“So, what?” Twilight was dumbfounded. “You’re saying because I decided to show up for coffee with you guys I somehow disrupted some arbitrary, transcendental cosmic conversation balance-scale that probably doesn’t even exist outside of your shameless nitpicking?”

“More or less,” Luna nodded. “Celestia, Cadance and I have a pre-established relationship dynamic. Adding a new variable just disrupts that. You’re a smart mare, think of some science analogy or something.”

“You know in the sixth Daring Do novel, when she gets those six quirky companions who are obsessed with her and help her save the day despite being brand-new characters, and it completely disrupts the tone of the other five books and makes it feel like a shoehorned way of quickly establishing new characters?” Celestia offered. Metaphors related to books had yet to fail her when it came to explaining things to Twilight. “It’s like that.”

“First of all, I have no idea what you’re talking about with that Daring Do book,” Twilight blushed awkwardly. “Second of all, it probably wouldn’t seem forced if we actually started up a conversation.”

“Alright,” Luna waved a hoof. “Shoot.”

Twilight scratched an ear nervously. “Uh… see any good movies lately?”

Luna’s response was immediate. “Nope. Nice conversation starter, by the way. Sounds like it came from an instructional book.”

“It did,” Twilight growled. “I’m not good at small talk. It’s a waste of time.”

“What about medium talk then?” Cadance offered.

“Alright,” Twilight nodded, and then grinned and cleared her throat;

“Is there such a thing as death? Or is it but a transition to a different sphere of consciousness?”

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna simply stared.

“Medium talk,” Twilight said bluntly. “It was a joke.”

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna continued to stare.

“Alright,” Twilight groaned. “Maybe we can talk about our weeks. I read a quote once that said that ‘intellectuals discuss ideas, friends discuss events, and idiots discuss people.”’

“A quote that represents a discussion of people,” Luna noted bitterly. “I’m sorry, Twilight. There is no scientific reasoning behind conversation.”

“But you’re the one who said—”

“Look, it just isn’t working, Twilight,” Luna stopped her with a raised hoof. “Conversation just happens, or it does not.”

“Well, wait...” Twilight said, raising an eyebrow. “Haven’t… haven’t we been having a conversation regardless?”

Cadance, Celestia, and Luna continued their tradition of responding to Twilight’s remarks with a blank stare.

“I mean, think about it! We just had a rather interesting conversation about the fact that we could not make conversation.”

“I’d hardly call it interesting,” Luna replied.

“More like serviceable, really,” Cadance agreed. “As in, it should sate us until next Tuesday.”

“Well. Aren’t you girls just a glimmering bundle of starlight,” Twilight grumbled. “Fine. Next time, I’ll wait before trying to force myself into your ‘pre-established dynamic’ or whatever. Personally, I think you’re just being really critical about an issue that isn’t even there.”

Author's Note

A political statement.

And by political I mean fandom-politics.

And in case there's confusion, no, Twilight isn't going to be in every subsequent chapter, although she will appear in the occasional one.

The "great minds discuss ideas" thing is paraphrased from Eleanor Roosevelt.

The Stars Kinda Just Twinkle...

Celestia frowned introspectively, pausing to listen to the sound of pattering rain and distant rumbling of thunder outside the cafe. She sipped her tea gingerly, before returning her attention to her newspaper, doing her best to ignore the tittering alicorns in front of her.

"You laugh now," she said without looking up. "...but you'll be sorry when you find yourself in dire need of a lucky number and do not have one at hand."

"Celly, you do know that horoscope gibberish is... ah, gibberish, right?" Luna giggled. "By far the dumbest thing to come out of the past millennium. They're like fortune cookies but with more nonsense and 100% less cookie."

"Oh hush," Celestia stuck out her tongue. "I find them fascinating."

"Honestly Luna, I'd think you'd be flattered by astrology," Cadance said, idly swirling a piece of toast in egg yolk. "'Appreciate my night, lowly peasants' and all."

"Careful." Luna pointed a french fry threateningly. "And no, I don't consider turning my night sky into a superstitious sideshow flattering."

"Oh, lighten up!" Celestia huffed. "It's entertaining! And sometimes the predictions are pretty accurate."

"Of course they are," Luna retorted. "It's because they're statistically bound to be eventually. They are the same thing every time."

"Nonsense!"

"Oh? What is the Capricorn horoscope, Celestia?"

"I am a Virgo!"

"Oh, we all know you are. Especially the Princess of Love," Luna winked. "Fine, Madame Celly. Read me the Virgo horoscope."

Celestia narrowed her eyes, aggressively cracked the newspaper open before her, and recited proudly;

"There are big changes in the future for you! Be on the look out for opportunities, in your everyday life or in the actions of friends or co-workers! Your lucky numbers are 45, 46, and 47."

"Hm. How very particular," Luna sniffed. "Alright. Now read me last week's Virgo horoscope."

With a confident nod, Celestia withdrew the horoscope page from the week prior and once more recited;

"You are on the precipice of new developments! Be attentive, or you risk missing signs of subtle change in the actions of your friends or..."

Celestia trailed off.

Luna smirked victoriously.

Cadance peered at the paper. "Her lucky numbers are 42, 43, and 44, by the way."

"Well, admittedly they can be pretty repetitive," Celestia rolled her eyes. "But to be fair, our lives are pretty repetitive."

"No arguments here," Luna sipped her coffee. "Even our boredom has schedule and calculation. Anyways, back to astrology, it is possible that the stars we see have been burned out for millions of years. So I wouldn't trust their otherworldly predictions. Just a friendly reminder of how cosmically insignificant we are—'pale blue dot' or whatever."

"How ego-boosting," Celestia drawled sarcastically. "Nothing quite like an existential crisis to start our days off right. Thanks Luna."

"Eh, I try my best," Luna shrugged. "What about Cadance? What does her horoscope say? Probably something about her being on the brink of adjustments or something."

Celestia shrugged, too, and passed the paper to Cadance.

Cadance took one look at the Aquarius horoscope, and then her expression became one of complete horror. Celestia and Luna could have sworn they saw her bright pink coat fade several shades as shock rippled through her. For a moment the only sound was the rumbling thunder and pouring rain outside.

The sisters shared a glance, and then Luna nervously prodded.

"Well? What does your horoscope say?"

Cadance gulped. Thunder rolled in the distance.

"You're pregnant."

"Wait, what?!"

"That's what it says! Two words! What kind of horoscope is that?!"

"Huh," Celestia frowned. "Well, it's probably nothing. Luna's right, after all. These things are just a load of gibberish."

"Yeah," Cadance chuckled awkwardly. "You're probably right."

Author's Note

French Toast Doesn't Come From France

"Alright, I've got a good one," Cadance put down her menu, grinning. "Pancakes, waffles, or french toast?"

"Cadance!" Luna gasped. "Do you wish to tear the universe asunder? To incite a three-way Equestrian Civil War?"

"Indeed." Celestia's eyes had grown wide. "That is perhaps the largest question I've heard. And that's coming from a mare who gets asked 'the meaning of life' on a daily basis. The answer I give them is the same I give you, dear niece..."

Celestia cleared her throat dramatically. "Waffles."

"Hm." Cadance sniffed. "I mean, it's a good choice, Auntie. It's wrong, though. Everypony knows that waffles pale in comparison to french toast."

"Oh, come now!" Celestia protested. "No sane pony could say that and not feel like a complete monster."

"Waffles are like accessory foods," Cadance replied, waving a hoof breezily. "Eating just a plain waffle for breakfast is like watching a crappy movie without friends to laugh with. It's a boring and lonely experience."

Celestia blinked. "You lost me."

"I mean, when do you ever eat a waffle without shoveling a bunch of sugary junk onto it, first? Nopony just serves waffles, straight. Shining Armor once did that when I was sick in bed, and I only half jokingly threatened him with divorce. So when you eat a waffle, you're not enjoying just the waffle. You're enjoying the waffle and all of its diabetes-inducing accessories."

"Hm." Celestia shrugged. "A good point. But then again... if a waffle is of poor quality, it at least has the capacity to be saved from being an unflavourful disaster. You could buy the saddest toaster waffles in the universe, but with whip-cream and syrup, they are still incredible. But a poor piece of french-toast? With its gross, goopy egg taste? It is unsalvegable."

"Well, you can still put fruit onto crappy french toast."

"Yes, but you can put anything onto waffles. Whip-cream, chocolate, fruit. They're like a cake but as a breakfast food—you can do anything with them and it works. They are versatile, whereas one who eats french toast is bound by the whims of the eggs. The eggs make or break the experience."

"You heathens," Luna brought a hoof to her temples. "You poor, misguided fools."

She said nothing further.

"Uh... did we break Luna?" Cadance blinked. "Is she gonna go Nightmare on us or something?"

Celestia was shocked, too. "Uh, Luna? Your opinion?"

"You two are so materialistic. So bound by your arbitrary, petty little beliefs of what constitutes quality. Somewhere along the lines of your lives, after experiencing every frivolous and exaggerated luxury set out before you, you forgot how to simply be mares."

"Luna, are you going to give us an opinion or not?" Cadance groaned.

"Pancakes!" she exclaimed. "There is no other choice! The most humble, and yet the most delectable. Ponies seem to believe that it is necessary to turn breakfast into some experience, and as such pancakes are shoved at the bottom of restaurant menus, beneath their more flashy and impressive brethren. The pancake lurks calmly and humbly at the bottom of the menu. It is proud of what it is—the epitome of breakfast. The representation of morning, of a new dawn. And yet it respects itself enough to simply be itself. It does not need to leech onto some sugary saccharine to give itself worth."

Her piece said, Luna leaned back and brought her breakfast menu back up, concealing her from the other two mares.

Celestia and Cadance were shell-shocked.

"That... was the most poetic rant about pancakes I have ever had the privilege of hearing," Cadance said finally.

"That was beautiful." Celestia agreed. "I have goosebumps."

Luna dropped the menu triumphantly, just as the diner's waitress stopped at their table wearing her trademark exaggerated grin.

"Are you three ready to order?"

"Pancakes, for me and my niece, Sunny Side." Celestia smiled. "Luna?"

"I'll have the crepes, please."

Author's Note

I actually wrote this one a while ago, heh.

Northern Hemispheres

Pink hooves shuffled through the overhanging dark, cold eyes peering ahead without a trace of aimlessness.

She gave her impossibly wide wings a quick shuffle, not for any purpose, but rather out of instinct, as she crossed from the desolate wasteland into the enclave of what in another life had been a building.

Her horn burned not with a warm glow, but with an all-encompassing chill. Not that such a thing would have ever been able to affect her. The freezing temperature concerned her as little as the swirling snow that dared not graze her flesh.

The streets of Canterlot—if they could still be called streets—were as silent as the dead and moonless black sky above. The world had fallen silent—not even a distant vulture's call sounding out the last traces of some former life. Even the howling wind and eternally swirling snow were not permitted to drone into the empty void.

The only sound in the perfect dark was a slight crunching as her hooves trodded over what was once the enveloping window of Pony Joe's Café.

The tall alicorn stepped over cracked remains of diner tables and crunched a large pile of spilled coffee beans from what had once been a proud and beautiful display. She continued walking with an emotionless frown, her thoughts elsewhere and everywhere.

Eventually she reached her destination. The entire café looked like it had survived every disaster known to Equestria—which, the alicorn smiled mirthlessly, wasn't too far from the truth.

Still, the grave of a diner booth was present, and with a careless flare of magic, Equus' goddess brought it back to its former being. A perfectly polished café booth amidst an eternal wasteland of death and darkness.

"Enjoying your choiceless nap, princesses?" Flurry Heart whispered a cooing question to herself with a sly smile. "Welcome to my hell."

"She is so cute!" Luna gushed at the sleeping alicorn filly.

Celestia giggled. "She makes such a fuss about going to sleep, and now look at her. Grinning like crazy."

"We should fillysit for Cadance more often!" Luna breathed. Then, her magic flared.

"What are you doing?" Celestia cocked her head.

"Just hopping into her dreams for a moment. I can only imagine what innocent little fantasy world she dreamed up."

Author's Note

(I actually really like Flurry Heart, for the record. And I like the idea of her powers being that of ice/winter)

Power Levels At A Considerable Distance Above 9 x 10^3 *

Power Levels At A Considerable Distance Above 9 x 10^3 *

“Twilight.”

Twilight glanced up from her milkshake, acknowledged Celestia with a vacant stare, and went right back to staring at the sludgy depths of her homogenized beverage.

“Twilight.” Celestia repeated. “What exactly happened to you?”

“Yes.” Cadance nodded. “We’re always happy when you join us, but… showing up with half of your mane scorched, smelling like a rugby team… it deserves some explanation.”

“I recognize her look.” Luna pursed her lips. “It’s the ‘I just kicked a villain’s ass but got my own ass kicked first’ look. Of course, not that I would be familiar with such a look—”

“Oh, don’t even, Luna,” Celestia sighed. “Well, Twilight?”

Twilight Sparkle was silent for several moments… silence in which Luna plucked a cherry from her milkshake and munched on it triumphantly.

“Well… Luna is right,” Twilight said eventually. “I mean… it was kinda my fault. I made her feel inadequate and jealous and she sort of retaliated.”

“What a strange thing to do.” Luna cocked her head.

“Yeah. Remember that unicorn I told you about? Starlight Glimmer? Well, she kind of broke into the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the library and stole a priceless chronomagical scroll.”

“Huh,” Celestia said thoughtfully. “I was wondering why my guards were acting so funny today. As though they were deliberately trying to steer me away from that area. I’ll have to speak to them about honesty-following-mistakes.”

“So… wait… chronomagical…” Cadance blinked. “You mean time magic?”

“Yep. She kept changing the past and I kept having to fix it.”

“Geez. Sounds intense.” Luna seemed offended. “Thanks for involving us.”

“Seriously.” Celestia agreed. “We could’ve helped, you know.”

“I didn’t exactly have all the time in the world.”

“Is that what you said when you beat her?” Luna grinned. “That would’ve been great. Or you could’ve said ‘your time’s up, fiend—”’

Cadance facehoofed. “Can we stay on topic, please?”

“Well, anyways… I ended doing battle with her for, like, a really long time. I couldn’t get a leg up on her no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Did you try friendship?” Celestia offered.

“Yeah. It was my last resort.”

“Huh. You should try moving that option up a bit. It works more often than it doesn’t.”

“I know, I know,” Twilight waved a hoof. “The point is… I couldn’t beat her with my magic. It’s like… all my prowess and skill just suddenly disappeared as if to appeal to some cosmic convenience.”

“Welcome to our world.” Luna took a hefty swig of coffee.

Celestia and Cadance groaned their agreement.

“Wait… so you three have noticed it, too?”

Celestia let out a long breath through her nose. “Yes. Whenever I don’t need to use my magic extensively, guess what I have in spades. And whenever I desperately need it… guess when it fails me.”

“We’ve tried training. Honing our skills…” Luna added. “We know about every magic trick in the book and we can suplex entire mountains with ease. So long as there aren’t any stakes.”

“We’ve given up trying to explain it,” Celestia said. “So far as we’re concerned, there is none. We simply need to accept the fact that our magic won’t be useful when we go into combat. Some greater force is at play.”

“But… but how do you just accept that?” Twilight was dumbfounded. “Just, accept that you’re going to fail?”

“That isn’t what I meant,” Celestia replied calmly. “There’s a difference between accepting you failed, and convincing yourself you will fail.”

“Besides,” Cadance added. “You said you beat her, right?”

“Well… kinda.”

“So there you go,” Cadance leaned back. “Don’t just throw in the towel because you failed in one means. Try again. Try something else.”

“Do you know how many times it took me and Celestia before we beat Discord?” Luna asked. “Pick up a history book some time. See how many alicorns ‘died’ facing Discord.”

“Me and Luna started calling ourselves the Opposum Sisters because of how many times we escaped… ah, final defeat… by playing dead.”

“Wow.” Twilight blinked.

“Yep.” Luna nodded. “I won’t lie and say we weren’t tempted to simply bug out and call it even. It was always an option on the table, even if we both pretended it wasn’t.”

“But we didn't give up. We kept trying, and we kept supporting each other. Similar to how the four of us will always support each other. Don’t be mistaken and think strength is defined by besting a foe in combat, Twilight,” Celestia said. “Imagine you did. You defeated her. Hauled her off to Tartarus. Victory would be yours. But that didn’t happen. Instead, you made a mistaken yet skilled unicorn your friend and had her change her ways.”

“Sounds like you kicked her ass to me,” Cadance shrugged. “Just in a better way.”

“Wow,” Twilight said again. “That… that changes a lot, actually. T… thank you, girls.”

“Don’t mention it,” Cadance waved a hoof.

Silence, for several seconds. Twilight reached the bottom of her milkshake and stuck her straw into the metal cylinder thing instead.

More silence.

“Seriously though,” Luna spoke eventually. “Call us next time you’re roughing up a baddie. I haven’t let loose with my magic in awhile.”

Author's Note

[2016-03-26, 4:44:15 PM] NorrisTheSpider: If it dropped a line about the time scroll giving her extra magic, sure, I’d be okay with it
[2016-03-26, 4:44:24 PM] NorrisTheSpider: But as it stands it makes Twilight’s power levels pretty inconsistent
[2016-03-26, 4:45:03 PM] Her Royal Fluffiness Kinsley: New Weaknesses As The Plot Demands / Less Power(s) As The Plot Demands
[2016-03-26, 4:45:28 PM] NorrisTheSpider: Now Twilight knows how Celestia feels.
[2016-03-26, 4:45:40 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: ^
[2016-03-26, 4:45:42 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: Pretty much
[2016-03-26, 4:45:43 PM] NorrisTheSpider: That could be a fanfic.
[2016-03-26, 4:45:47 PM] Kyubey the Incubator: It could, yeah
[2016-03-26, 4:45:53 PM] NorrisTheSpider: They’re just discussing how their power drops whenever they need it the most.
[2016-03-26, 4:52:30 PM] Her Royal Fluffiness Kinsley: Or idly musing that their previously shown abilities seem to acting as a deterrent to some and a challenge to others

...And then I wrote a story about it.

Me not knowing what the metal cylinder thing for milkshakes is called and just calling it a metal cylinder thing is the lowest I've stooped in my writing tenure.

Lunage Daydream

"Cadance, I hate to play the role of 'annoyingly concerned aunt' as usual," Celestia sighed. "But don't you think you should take it easy?"

"Are you kidding, Celly?" Luna shot back before Cadance had a chance to. "She doesn't have to worry about being a responsible pregnant mother anymore! Don't get on her case about finally being able to let loose."

"Still..." Celestia replied. "You two were out all night yesterday, and the night before, doing heavens knows what. You rose the moon twice last night, and I don't know what exactly was happening with the Dreamscape, but even I know it wasn't normal. Plus, you two entered the café this morning by flying through the glass window—"

"We fixed it!" Luna protested, pointing at her horn. "I think you're just jealous!"

"Of what?!" Celestia shot back. "I'm coming with you!"

"Wait, you are?" Cadance had been nursing a headache, but she perked up. "You got tickets?"

"Yes," Celestia said. "Although I admit I am quite wary of this whole ordeal."

"Aunt Celly, are you seriously telling me you've lived for, like, 2000+ years, and you haven't been to a single concert?"

"I've been to plenty!" Celestia exclaimed. "I saw some of the greatest composers in history!"

"Yeah, but I mean a rock concert."

"Oh," Celestia said bluntly. "Then no. I haven't."

"She's boring," Luna explained earnestly. "That's why."

"Well, you haven't, either, Luna!"

"That's because such a thing did not exactly exist a thousand years ago. I assure you if I'd known that public gladiator battles were a thing, I would have been the first in line."

"Wait, what?" Cadance blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Axes! You said there would be squealing axes! In an arena!"

"Oh for the love of... it's slang, Luna."

Luna cocked her head.

"Axes. It's slang. For electric guitars."

"Well, that's considerably disappointing."

“Trust me, it won't be,” Cadance assured. “There's bright lights, and lasers, and huge clouds of fog—”

“Clouds?” Celestia repeated, she and Luna sharing a nervous glance. “I don't know...”

“Oh come on, you cowards. It's gonna be great.”

“So wait, electric guitars? I earnestly don't understand how that works,” Luna mused. “I mean… we have hooves. We're a species that might as well be wearing boxing gloves. How exactly does playing a guitar even work? It seems to me like such a performance would sound terrible.”

“Who are we going to see, anyways?” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Rock band names are so predictable and simplistic, I get them all mixed up. Are we going to see Slayerdeath? Nine Inch Tails? Carbon Dirigible? Amish I.T? The Pretentious Punk Poser Posse?”

Cadance was stunned for a moment. “Honestly, those are all fantastic band names.”

“I'm inclined to agree,” Luna nodded. “Hey Celly, think of a band name for us.”

“What?”

“If we were in a rock band, the three of us! What would our name be?”

Celestia pursed her lips for a moment, deep in thought.

“Countess Cadenza and the Coffeeguzzling Cloud Kickers,” she said eventually.

Silence.

“We need to make this a thing,” Cadance breathed.

“I'm inclined to agree,” Luna said again.

Celestia sighed. She sunk to the table, her head in her hooves. "I swear, these coffee meetings are detrimental to my sanity."

Author's Note

So it finally clicked after rewatching 'Equestria Games' that rock concerts were canon in Equestria. So this chapter happened.

Also, dear Story Sharing: you have no idea how curious I am regarding your group and what this fic is doing in there.

The First Chapter That's Actually About Coffee

Luna glanced up from her coffee and gave a grunt like a feral animal.

“Heathens.”

Celestia and Cadance shared a glance.

Celestia rolled her eyes. "What unspoken arbitrary rule of diner attending are we breaking now, Luna?”

“I’d think you’d be happy with Aunt Celly for getting coffee instead of tea for once,” Cadance added.

Luna spat out her coffee in shock. “Pfftbrt! What?! Coffee? That monstrosity?! Are you kidding me?”

Celestia ignored her and took a sip from the icy beverage’s straw.

“It is not coffee when the beverage's name has as many pointless words as a corporation’s financial report,” Luna explained. She opened the beverage menu for proof. “Look at these absurdities! Cafe Equestriano? Caramel Machet… Moccache… Mosquito?”

“It’s caramel macchiato,” Cadance let the word roll delicately off her tongue. “And they are quite good.”

“Alright, but don’t you dare call them coffee in my presence ever again. It is sacrilege to the holiest of all beverages. When you need to specify the temperature your coffee must be made at, or the type of milk that must be placed within it… when there is at least 300% more cream and sugar than actual coffee beans, or if you need to pile on whip-cream and chocolate shavings in order to make it presentable, the beverage loses its right to be called coffee.”

Celestia and Cadance shared another wary glance.

“She’s... quite serious about this,” Cadance said.

“Coffee?” Celestia glanced back at Luna. “Of course she is. She’s the princess of the night. She invented it.”

“Wait, what?” Cadance blurted. “You what?!”

“I invented coffee,” Luna nodded.

“You didn’t!”

“Actually, she did,” Celestia said. “I know we like to pull each other’s legs frequently, but for once Luna is in earnest. She invented the classic beverage we all know and love. To be fair, I invented thirteen different kinds of tea.”

“You two aren’t serious.”

“Indeed we are.” Luna motioned at her cup of pitch-black coffee. “I kept falling asleep during daytime excursions with Celly, so with the help of a few arcane researchers I created a solution.”

“Instead of… you know, changing your sleep schedule?” Cadance said flatly.

“Eh.” Luna shrugged and sipped her coffee. “I can hardly complain about the outcome of my efforts.”

“So the reason you treat coffee like your child is because it… more or less is?” Cadance giggled. “That’s amazing.”

“You would be surprised how much subtle influence me and Luna have had on Equestrian culture,” Celestia said. “I myself went through a ghost writing phase in the early 1200s. Nostromare and Invisible Mare? Me. Don’t tell Twilight.”

Cadance blinked.

“And I am an acclaimed painter,” Luna added. “Granted, I only ever sold one painting, and it was to Celly, but eh. They garnered attention over the centuries.”

“Equestria doesn’t know it, but me and Luna like to change things up every once in awhile in the more mundane elements of Equestrian life. Throw out something completely contrary to everything else and accidentally start a cultural renaissance.”

“Ponies didn’t start putting icing on top of cake until after me and Celly decided they needed an upgrade.”

“And do you think it’s a mere coincidence that ponies scream our names when they are having intercour—”

“Alright!” Cadance barked. “I get it! Princess of Love, remember? So is that why so many artists kill themselves?”

Celestia nodded. “They never existed at all. Just personas me and Luna had to ditch to shake off suspicion.”

“Wow,” Cadance breathed. “So, today I learned you two enjoy fiddling around with history just to keep things fresh.”

The sisters both grinned.

“More or less.” Celestia sipped her iced coffee. "It's either that or growing cold and cynical and grumbling about how terrible the reptitive nature of long life is. So if poking culture with a stick drives ponies to create more and think a little differently, why not do so?"

"You should give it a try sometimes, Cadance," Luna said. "Invent a new way of kissing or something."

"Just... try not to do so after... troubling events," Celestia glanced at Luna. "Equestria's... uh... 'Gothic Renaissance' isn't something I want to relive."

Cadance blinked again.

"You invented goth," she translated.

Celestia's head sunk in shame.

"Princess Celestia, Regal Diarch of the Sun, invented goth."

"I said I didn't want to relive it!" Celestia snapped. "It was just a phase!"

Author's Note

Luna's 'corporation report' remark explained through song.

Dragon Roost Induced Taxation Boost

Celestia read and reread her latest letter from Twilight, and then let out a long and weary sigh as she set it down on the table.

"I am angry," she declared. "Angry about dragons."

Cadance cocked an eyebrow at Celestia's stoic expression, seemingly contradicting her claims. "That's... that's what you look like angry, Auntie? You look pretty calm to me."

"I assure you I am seething. Twilight just sent me a summary of her events in the Dragonlands."

"Oh?" Luna cocked her head with genuine curiosity. "Anything interesting?"

"It is a damn miracle they did not burn themselves to ash long ago," Celestia said. "Twilight says they had to compete for dominant right to rule in... in, barbarian games. So, our next door neighbours, the fire-breathing behemoths, must follow the will of a ruler selected merely by his physical capabilities. Oh, and those who aren't considered strong are discouraged from competing."

"Wow," Cadance said. "That is kinda troubling."

"I mean fortunately, the ruler who was victorious seems somewhat capable—as in, not willing to go to war for the purpose of going to war—but again this is only thanks to the intervention of Twilight and her friends. Had it not been for a moment's hesitation on the part of Spike, we'd be in the middle of a hostile invasion by the dragons performed on completely tactless grounds." Celestia gave another weary sigh. "It is somewhat troubling to know how frequently a thousand years worth of effort on my part to keep this place peaceful and content could be shattered by the will of such..."

"Degenerates?" Luna offered. "Barbarians? Buffoons?"

"Uh... not something I would say myself, but if you wish." Celestia rolled her eyes. "I mean, first of all, arbitrarily ditching good leaders 'just because' doesn't make a lot of sense, but even so I don't understand why creatures gravitate towards us with hostile intent. The Yaks, the Changelings, the Dragons. Why am I being punished by other nations for being a good leader?"

"They're probably jealous. Or maybe we live on a really big leyline." Cadance shrugged. "Historically, have you two ever ticked any of them off?"

"Not that I can recall," Celestia shook her head. "Luna?"

"Nope." Luna pursed her lips. "Well, actually, maybe Chrysalis."

Cadance and Celestia stared.

"It's a long story."

Luna fiddled with the basket of toast condiments.

"A long and boring story," she added. "Involving ladybugs."

Cadance and Celestia continued to stare.

"Let's just say I did some things during a formal meeting with them a few centuries ago and changelings are really easily offended," Luna said. "In my defense I thought it was customary."

Celestia facehoofed. "On second thought, I don't believe I wish to hear the details."

"I think the most troubling revelation of all of this..." Cadance mused. "...Is that the three of us are technically the most sane rulers this place has. Or at least the only non-warmongering ones."

"That... is a little troublesome," Celestia agreed. A glance across the table at Luna, building a castle out of jam and cream packages and sticking out her tongue in concentration, and sane was hardly the first word to click into Celestia's mind.

Luna's jam castle promptly fell, the blue alicorn cursed, and then rejoined their conversation as though nothing had happened.

"Y'know what I think is the most troublesome thing?" she asked. "How me and Celly took the throne."

"Wait... what?" Celestia cocked her head. "How is that troublesome?"

"'How could they possibly pick an adolescent ruler based solely on her physical capabilities?"' Luna poorly imitated Celestia's voice. "You tell me, Miss We-Defeated-Discord-When-We-Were-Young-And-Then-Became-Rulers."

"Huh." Celestia blinked. "I think I just accidentally discredited my own rule."

"Eh, don't beat yourself up," Cadance said. "You're doing fine, Auntie. A thousand-plus years of peace and happy ponies is kind of a bragging right. You've got a pretty stacked resume if Equestria ever decides to rebel against you and boot you off the throne."

"Gee. Thanks, Cadance," Celestia rolled her eyes again. Then, she gave Luna a faux-glare. "Y'know, if anypony deserves the blame, it's probably Luna. Tell me, sister, why the bulk of all conflict we faced occurred directly before and after your banishment?"

Luna snickered. "Maybe I'm a living leyline? Personally, I'm more curious why our attackers suddenly feel that their chances for successful invasions would be increased by the introduction of three other alicorns and a problem-solving-rainbow-friendship-nuke."

Celestia and Cadance nodded their agreement.

"So what are you going to do about the dragons, Auntie Celly?" Cadance asked.

"Nothing, hopefully. I'll meet with Princess Ember, do my best to put in place lasting relations between us, and perhaps out of this whole ordeal I can go back to not being punished for my failure to warmonger. I mean good heavens, a break from being under threat of invasion long enough to have lunch with Twilight would be nice."

Luna gave a snorting laugh and Cadance shook her head sadly.

"At the rate it's been happening recently? Not likely, Auntie."

Author's Note

Seriously though, any one else find it strange how all enemies just gravitate towards Equestria with malicious intent?

Also hey, this absurdity finally hit 10,000 words! On any normal story for me, that'd be one chapter.

Someone Keeps Moving My Hair

“Let’s talk manes,” Cadance began abruptly. “Specifically, yours. Your crazy freakish goddess manes.”

“Oh joy.” Luna rolled her eyes and broke a bit of toast in irritation. “This again.”

“Cadance, Luna and I put up with hair-based-harassment on a daily basis.”

“I am allegedly storing a universe in mine.” Luna sighed.

“And I frequently have to ask ponies to please stop chewing on mine because believe it or not it doesn’t taste like cotton candy or toothpaste.”

“Well then what does it taste like, Celly?” Luna asked, cocking her head curiously.

Celestia blinked. “...It tastes like hair, Luna.”

“Right,” Cadance said, already trying desperately to redirect the conversation from the throes of sibling bickering. “I’m not going to ask you any of those questions. I’m just curious how, and when I can expect mine.”

Silence.

“‘When you can expect yours.’” Luna repeated eventually. “‘Purchase hair, allow six to eight weeks for delivery.’ It doesn’t exactly work that way, Cadance.”

“You mean it’s not part of the whole… uh, alicorn kit and caboodle?” Cadance sounded greatly disappointed. “Aw. I was looking forward to getting a freaky flowy mane and tail.”

“Well, at the risk of going full-Twilight.” Celestia looked to the sun outside thoughtfully. “The flowing mane and tail are actually a by-product of magical overload induced by Luna and my connection with the celestial bodies. The flowing hair is caused by their otherworldly cosmic energy flowing through us.”

“Yeah. So if you want flowing hair, get a celestial body to control,” Luna suggested.

“What, like a second moon?”

“No!” Luna barked. “That’s my thing! Be creative!”

“Seriously, Cadance.” Celestia facehoofed. “This is the mare who went full-nightmare-mode from jealousy and you suggest stealing her thunder as a solution?”

“Well, I’m jealous of your freaky manes!” Cadance protested. “Do you want me to go full-nightmare-mode? Nightmare… uh… Nightmare Heart?”

“Nightmare Heart. Sounds terrifying,” Luna snorted. “What would you do? Snuggle us to death?”

“To be fair, that sounds like it’d be a terrifying and tedious way to go,” Celestia said. “No, a second moon is out of the question. In addition to making Luna angry, it would create massive flooding and probably end the world. And a second sun would roast us all alive.”

“Binary sunsets are good for staring introspectively at from your lonely desert homestead dreaming of one day doing battle with an overarching evil empire though,” Luna mused thoughtfully.

“...” Celestia opened her mouth to mutter some confused exclamation, but promptly closed it when she decided it was not nearly worth it. “The point is, dear niece, I’m afraid you and Twilight got the poor end of the stick when it came to celestial bodies and flowing hair.”

Cadance mumbled something unintelligible but distinctly irritated and took a hefty swig of her cappuccino.

“Wait a minute,” Luna perked up as if suddenly realizing something. “So our flowing hair is because of cosmic-magic overload, right? So tell me, sister… how come your hair didn’t become, like super flowy when you had to raise both the moon and the sun?”

“For the first few years, it did,” Celestia blushed. “There is a reason why I commissioned and consented to so little art of myself during those decades. It was… quite the ordeal. I swear, half of our royal treasury went towards conditioner. I used a bottle a day, easily.”

“I find it oddly hilarious that you two use conditioner and shampoo like every other pony,” Cadance said. “You two could make some serious dough doing endorsement deals.”

“Princesses Sell Out,” Celestia chuckled, using her hooves to signal an imaginary newspaper headline. “I earnestly fear the day when our names are used for the purpose of capitalism.”

“I feel like something is really ironic about that statement,” Luna mused thoughtfully. “Eh, whatever.”

Never Mind the Paperwork, Here's Celestia

"Celestia, may I posit an officious remark?"

"When you word it like that, Luna, I'm tempted to say no," Celestia said without looking up from her document. "What's on your mind?"

"As usual, me and Cadance have been talking about you when you aren't around, and we have grown considerably concerned about something."

Celestia looked up from her paperwork this time, only to narrow her eyes at Cadance, who threw up her hooves in a "she wasn't supposed to say that first part" gesture. With an annoyed blow to get her hair out of her eyes, Celestia looked back to her document without a word.

"See! Behold!" Luna reached across the table and wrenched the entire manila envelope towards her.

"Hey! I was looking at that!" Celestia snarled with uncharacteristic hostility.

"Have you not noticed that you are literally eternally doing paperwork, Celly?" Luna shot back. "And you're always super grumpy afterwards! You're like... like, me when I'm not allowed my beauty sleep."

"Actually Luna, you just get really narcissistic when you're tired," Cadance mused. "It's an interesting phenomenon."

"Well, whatever! Point is, she needs to stop!"

"Yes, I must," Celestia drawled sarcastically. "Heavens forbid I review this farmer's loan request and attempt to help him save his livelihood."

"We're not doubting its importance, Auntie," Cadance said.

"Yeah!" Luna agreed. "We're questioning your sanity."

Cadance brought a hoof to her snout. "I swear, Luna. You're like, an anti-conversationalist."

"The point is, she does an uncanny amount of paperwork! Every second she is not the focus of an event, she's doing paperwork instead."

"If you two are done hounding me, I would like some silence to focus," Celestia reached out and snatched her manilla envelope out of Luna's grasp, cracking it viciously before her.

"Y'know, I'd bet if we cut her, she'd bleed ink," Luna mumbled to Cadance.

"Please do not cut me, Luna," Celestia said without dropping her envelope.

"It was hypothetical! A hypothetical cut!"

"Well, if you keep distracting me, you'll make me give myself a very real papercut."

Luna responded with a wordless grumble and looked to Cadance for help.

"Luna, this is a wild suggestion," Cadance began. "But... since you are so irritated by Celestia's perpetual paperwork, wouldn't it make sense if you, like... helped her with it?"

"No!" Celestia and Luna both abruptly shouted the word, in perfect tandem.

"Absolutely not," Luna added.

"Out of the question."

Cadance blinked. "Am I missing something?"

"I neither understand Celestia's politics, nor have any desire to learn."

"Once, I gave Luna the responsibility of 'balancing our books' and she set off to the library with a scale."

Cadance blinked again. "Luna. Are you telling me you are the diarch of the nation and you have no clue how its politics work?"

"You sound as though you are accusing me of something, dear niece."

"Nope. Just perplexed. And a little horrified."

"Oh, you're in no position to judge," Luna returned. "Last I checked, experience with babysitting and brainwashing isn't the same as experience with ruling a city."

Cadance opened her mouth to respond sharply, but closed it again.

"That's actually a good point," she conceded. "I guess it's a good thing we make Aunt Celly do everything, then."

"Hm," Celestia said. "It is a marvelous thing. At least Cadance has the excuse of having a child to care for. Luna, you're just lazy."

"Hey! I—I mean first off, rude," Luna sputtered. "Second of all, I'm not lazy. I'm merely perpetually disinterested. What is all this stuff, anyways?" Luna moved to grab another one of Celestia's file folders once more, but Celestia was quick to slam her hoof down onto it.

"They're trade negotiations," she said. "And I don't need your syrup coated hooves all over them."

"Trade negotiations..." Luna repeated. "What does that mean?"

"It means, I am negotiating trade," Celestia said. "Important trade. With the dragon empire."

"Oh! How's that going?!" Cadance perked up.

"Surprisingly swimmingly," Celestia said. "I mean, beyond the fact that their princess has formerly requested Twilight stop using Spike as a medium to send her letters. Apparently she's breaking some dragon honor custom that neither her nor Spike were aware of."

"Huh," Cadance said. "So what are you trade negotiating with them?"

"'Trade negotiating' is neither a noun nor a verb." Celestia rolled her eyes.

"That's not an answer though, Auntie," Cadance persisted.

"Yeah, you said it was important!" Luna added. "What are we sending that is important?"

Celestia hid a blush by lifting another envelope in front of her. "If I said it, it would undermine its definite importance. Just take my word when I say future peace could depend on it."

"Congratulations, sis," Luna prodded. "You've only made us more curious. What's the super important thing we're trading for peace? A bomb?"

Cadance choked a little as she took a sip of her cappuccino. "She says peace and the first thing you think of is a bomb?!"

"Well, blame her for not telling us!" Luna pointed an accusing hoof at Celestia. "As your fellow princesses, we have the right to know!"

"Fine." Celestia let out a long breath from her nose.

"It's pillows."

Cadance and Luna stared.

"The dragons have a shortage of pillows," Celestia elaborated.

"Pillows," Luna repeated, looking shell-shocked. "Pillows for peace."

"I assure you it is both vitally important, and makes perfect sense within proper context."

"So. To summarize..." Cadance was grinning despite her best efforts not to. "You are grumpy and stressed due to burnout involving pillow negotiations."

"Yes." Celestia sunk her head into her hooves. "What even is my life? Goddess-damned trade negotiations."

Author's Note

So originally, this chapter was gonna be Celestia musing over a law she just passed and it being incredibly polarizing amongst her followers, but then I decided I'd really be pushing my luck there. But anyways, one thing I've noticed in an abundance of fanfics is that Celestia's default idle animation is "reviewing trade negotiations."

As if she can be given no other simple mundane action besides reviewing trade negotiations.

God damn trade negotiations.

The Power of Love Is Actually A Terrifying Thing

The Power of Love Is Actually A Terrifying Thing

Luna was peering with intense focus at the bagel she was buttering, but she gave a lazy roll of her eyes as she spoke;

"...I'm just saying, their first album was much better than their second—"

"Luna! Don't even finish that!" Celestia barked. "Do you wish to start a civil war?"

Cadance had been detached from the sister's bickering, idly flipping through a magazine, but she set it down wearing a mischievous smirk. "Y'know, we keep saying that, and I know you mean it jokingly, but it really begs an obvious question: in an impossible hypothetical scenario, where the three of us went at each other gloves off, who would win?"

"Huh," Celestia said. "Interesting question. What are the stakes? What are we each fighting for?"

"Aw come on, Auntie! The idea of us fighting is absurd enough, don't complicate it with intelligence! It doesn't survive past that. The point is the fight. Just pretend we all want Equestria for ourselves and we're not willing to stop for anything. Who comes out victorious?"

"Well, what are the conditions?" Luna posed.

"The three of us, right now, as is," Cadance elaborated. "No Elements of Harmony, no Nightmare Moon. Just our own magic."

"Huh," Celestia said, already beginning to blush. "I mean, to be frank, I can admit that as a mare who has actively sought a pacifistic solution for more than a thousand years, I am a poor fighter."

"Mhm," Luna nodded. "Plus, you're a wise and motherly mentor figure to a powerful but undisciplined young pony. Mares like you are usually axed off in the second act."

Celestia looked a little taken-aback. "Uh... that's oddly specific, but sure. So in a show of pure power against you two without the luxury of planning or intelligence, I would probably be the first to kick it."

"To be fair," Cadance offered. "It would probably be from doing something cool like saving Twilight and her friends or something. Your last words would be all 'don't blame my sister' or 'don't blame my niece,' and it would be epic."

"Aw. You flatter me. While theoretically killing me," Celestia said. "Oh! Also, I would leave behind a sun nopony could raise, and then you'd all freeze. So really, I would win in the long run."

"Hey! That doesn't count!" Luna protested. "We already agreed that we weren't going to think about any before or afters. This is about the fight. And you're out. Which makes me the victor! Theoretical Equestria is mine! Or rather, Theoretical Equestria is Theoretical Luna's."

"Wait, hold on a second!" Cadance protested. "Theoretical Cadance would still be in!"

"Oh, right..." Luna chortled rudely. "The Regent of the Moon and Mistress of Dreams, versus her adorable lovey-dovey niece."

"Exactly. I win."

"Right, right," Luna was grinning ear to ear. "With your ever-so-terrifying love magic, I presume?"

"You're damn right," Cadance said, wearing a smile somewhere between humorous and terrifying. "You've got the moon and your dreams, so yeah, maybe I'd have to start popping caffeine pills so you don't trap me in a nightmare or whatever, but all I'd need to land is one magic shot and I could have you try to make love with the inside of a volcano or something."

"Wait..." Luna blinked. Her grin fell. "Your love magic..."

"Yeah." Cadance intensified her smile. "I mean, I only ever use it on ponies who I feel already have a bond. I'm not a monster and I really don't want to have to worry about my conscience keeping me up at night on top of Flurry already doing that. But theoretically? Every mind in Equestria is mine, if I want it to be. And you wanna know how I know, Luna?"

Luna seemed too stunned to answer, but Cadance proceeded anyways.

"I know, because right now, you're drinking my caffè corretto with a stupid grin on your face."

Luna blinked, looked to the unholy beverage in her grasp, and all colour seemed to leave her. The cup began to spasm in her magic and by the time she set it down on its saucer the diner table was a mess of caramel, whipped cream, and not-coffee.

Celestia herself had noticed Cadance's horn aglow for some time, and was trying and failing to repress light giggles.

"And on this day," Celestia said. "We received a grim reminder; our own dear niece has the potential to be the most terrifying foe in Equestria. I don't believe it is a coincidence that Chrysalis chose you to impersonate. You're the closest thing to a mind-altering bug queen we've got, she must've felt quite at home."

"I don't know whether to be insulted or honored." Cadance rolled her eyes.

"Honored," Luna finally spoke. "Definitely honored. As a mare who failed miserably at her throne coup, some twisted part of me is forced to admire those who came closer than I did."

"I mean, let's be completely honest," Celestia mused. "We all would make pretty good villains if we wanted."

"Well, if me and Luna were evil and teamed up, the daytime would probably have to go, Aunt Celly. Sorry."

"Wait, what?" Luna perked up. "Why?"

Cadance facehoofed. "Eternal night? Insane love goddess? You seriously don't see the correlation there?"

"Could you please stop there?" Celestia groaned. "I'm not a prude or anything, but it's a little awkward hearing the mare I practically raised from birth talk about her theoretical empire of debauchery."

"Fine. But don't forget, I'm the mare who had a nuclear winter living in her womb. Thereotical Equestria would be mine," Cadance said, channeling a mocking Chrysalis. "In which case, your last words wouldn't be 'don't blame my niece.' They'd be 'I royally screwed up giving that mare wings and magic."'

Silence for several seconds. Celestia was the first to break it.

"Cadance, I don't believe I've ever been as proud of you as I am right now."

"Aw. Thanks, Auntie."

Author's Note

It wasn't until I finished this chapter that I fully realized it was about three close friends playfully contemplating killing each other.

In A Café, Plenty Of People Can Hear You Scream So Keep Your Voice Down

"Alright, so I'm bringing the beverages," Celestia said. "Cadance, you're on chip duty. Choose wisely—I don't wish to lose my tongue to an assault of Salt and Vinegar like last time."

"Whatever, Auntie. Things would be a lot easier if you didn't have some sort of embargo on cheese-products."

"Twilight is going to be there," Celestia explained. "Blame her picky preferences."

"Can you two refresh my memory," Luna rubbed her temples. "I haven't been paying attention and I feel like it would be cosmically convenient for everypony involved for you to reiterate."

"Scary movie night!" Cadance said gleefully.

"Scary... movie...?" Luna stared blankly. "Like, moving pictures? Sorry, I'm still a little new to this generation."

"Yep, scary movies. You should see your pansy older sister during them."

"I'm not a..." Celestia began, but then sighed and broke off. "Eh. I guess I do get frightened from those films."

"I still find that amazing," Cadance said. "Like, you've faced terrifying beasts without breaking your whole regal princess routine—one of which was literally a nightmare demon, I might add—but ponies in rubber suits on screens have you hiding behind your wings. Or pretending to go to the bathroom every time a character is left alone in a dark room."

"Well, they cut out all the music so that it's just eerie silence, and then something pops up out of nowhere with a loud screech... it's not scary so much as it's terrifyingly irritating."

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Gosh, you're sounding like Twilight now, with her running nitpicky commentary," Cadance said, and then spoke in a poor imitation of the youngest princess: "...'Technically, blood wouldn't squirt like that from that sort of wound,' or 'According to Starswirl's biography, traditional earth pony witch-hunts didn't look anything like this. That's all a movie-industry exaggeration,' or chainsaws wouldn't sound like that cutting through flesh.'"

"...And then she falls asleep," Celestia added, smirking.

"Ah, good ol' Twilight," Cadance breathed. "Too bookish to be scared."

"Then there's you, Cadance," Celestia said. "Just completely stoic the whole time, besides a few little flinches during jump-scares."

"First of all, I'm a mother," Cadance replied, with a smug frown. "So I know what actual horror is. Second of all, after you've seen one crappy scary movie, you've seen every crappy scary movie. Still fun, but I'm well aware it's dumb fun."

Luna simply stared from Cadance to Celestia, looking positively bewildered.

"I'm still confused," she admitted. "Why would somepony willingly frighten themselves in the first place?"

"I dunno, Luna," Cadance grinned devilishly. "Why would somepony willingly torture themselves?"

"Touché." Luna frowned. "But that was from a nightmare-creation created by an extreme amount of dark magic. Why in the name of sanity would you three be afraid of images on a screen?"

"I think it's mostly what Aunt Celly said," Cadance replied. "It's not scary so much as it's the whole 'bait-and-switch-silent-then-suddenly-loud' crap."

"Y'know, if it weren't for the threat of it escaping and destroying Equestria, I'd say we should all share a nightmare every once in awhile," Luna said. "Like a haunted house but more convincing. Then you'd really see what it means to be frightened."

Cadance cocked her head. "That... would actually be awesome. One of those die-and-you-wake-up deals. Honestly, that would be way cooler than a scary movie."

"Makes me wonder what character-archetypes we'd all be," Celestia said. "Assuming we're all magic-less victims and not alicorns, obviously."

"Ooh, that's a good question!" Cadance nodded feverishly. "You're good at this sorta thing, Auntie. What do you think we would be?"

Celestia frowned pensively. "I don't mean to sound rude, but I believe Luna would be the 'I'm gonna go check a sketchy basement with just a flashlight' character."

"Yeah, honestly that sounds about right," Cadance agreed, smirking. "Sorry Luna."

"I'm completely lost," Luna said simply. "But whatever sails your boats."

"What about me, Auntie?" Cadance said.

"Uh..." Celestia pursed her lips and stirred her tea thoughtfully. "You're the friendly, likeable comic relief. You last until the third act and everypony feels bad when you finally die and they hate the villain even more for the climax."

Cadance shrugged. "I'll take it. That leaves Twilight and yourself."

"Twilight is the bookish one who figures out the killer or curse for the audience to know, but is axed off before she can tell the other characters. Myself?" Celestia frowned. "I do not know."

"As much as I hate to say it," Cadance said. "I think you're the most likely candidate for Last Survivor."

"No way!" Luna barked. "I don't even fully understand what you two are talking about and I still disagree!"

"Eh," Cadance sipped her cappuccino. "She's the nice and soft-spoken one who is in the background most of the time but takes center-stage when everypony else starts freaking out. Nopony really expects her to be the last one so naturally, she is. Seems right to me."

"Ironic," Celestia said. "Considering we all agreed I was the least likely to win a magic-duel. Then again, I guess surviving is entirely different from trying to kill your friends in cold blood."

"I'm still lost," Luna said bluntly.

"Well then join us tonight!" Cadance said, flashing Luna a smile. "Bit of dumb, cheesy fun. Although between Twilight's booksmarts and your knowledge of nightmares I feel like the two of you would never shut up."

"Good," Celestia said. "I prefer Twilight's intelligent quips anyways."

"Sure, because she mutes the movie every time she does," Cadance said. "You coward."

Celestia had a sharp denial on her tongue, but she didn't like to lie to her niece. So she looked away instead. When she spoke, her tone was somewhere between indignant and mirthful.

"Just bring the damn chips, Cadance."

Author's Note

As much as I don't like to admit so, I think I'm the 'I'm gonna go check a sketchy basement with just a flashlight' character.

I'm think I'm gonna try and keep up the 1000 word chapters from now on.

...But Tuesday's Just As Bad

"How about those two?"

Cadance sighed. "No, Luna. They're just friends."

"Them?"

"Friends."

"Alright, then that couple right there! They've definitely both gotten past second base, minimum."

"Luna, those are siblings!" Cadance barked. "Now stop it! Not every pair of ponies sitting together is automatically in a romantic relationship."

"Hmph. Well, by the look of things, nopony is," Luna growled. "Personally, I think the Princess of Love is slacking. Isn't it, like, spring? Isn't love supposed to be in the air?"

"No," Celestia said, and then sneezed violently. "That would be pollen. And mud. And rain. Spring is the worst."

"Huh," Cadance said. "Spring is my favourite season."

"Seriously? It's just a less pleasant version of summer," Celestia replied. "Except, unlike autumn, it doesn't include pumpkin pie."

"Or cafés seeing fit to pumpkinify everything," Luna snorted. "Coffee? Pumpkin coffee! Scone? Pumpkin scone!"

"...This seems like a very personal thing, Luna," Cadance frowned.

"I assure you it is," Luna said. "But more generally, I must agree with Celestia. Spring is just stormy and unpleasant."

"I like storms," Cadance replied. "Especially up in the Crystal Empire, we get some epic ones. And when it's not storming, we've got epic northern lights. Why do you girls have such an objection to a bit of rain, anyways? Is it your manes? Does it mess up your manes?"

The sisters shared a look.

Celestia smiled sheepishly.

"...maybe...?"

"Well, I've gotta see that," Cadance chortled. "Then if spring is so taboo, what are the best seasons?"

"Summer, obviously."

"Winter," Luna glared at Celestia. "Longer nights. Not dying underneath a furious summer sun. Tons of holidays. The chance to throw snowballs right at Celestia's face."

"...Remember when I said spring is the worst?" Celestia growled. "I change my answer to winter."

Cadance giggled. "Out of spite?"

"Certainly."

"So that leaves fall," Cadance said.

"Heh. Leaves fall."

"Oh, would you shut up, Luna?" Celestia groaned. "To make a topical comparison, fall is the equivalent of those little caramel cubes on Nightmare Night. Not many ponies dislike them persay, but they usually end up at the bottom of the pillow case. That's how most see fall."

"Pure poetry." Cadance rolled her eyes. "But not inaccurate, I guess. Where did seasons even come from, anyways? Did you two do that?"

"Huh," Celestia said, and the sisters shared a look. "Did we?"

"I don't recall," Luna said. "Certainly not something Discord came up with."

"I guess it just happened," Celestia shrugged. "Oh, there was that time we accidentally scorched all the leaves of the Whitetail Woods when we were fighting that dragon! Remember that, Luna?"

"Ah yes." Luna smiled. "We told everypony we 'meant to do that.' And thus, a season was born."

"Wow," Cadance blinked. "You girls sounded a lot more... uh, reckless."

"Perhaps," Celestia shrugged. "We matured. Either way, the cycle of seasons hasn't always been consistent. When one has full control over both the sun and moon, and the weather, they don't always have to be."

"That's a good point," Cadance nodded.

And then, she perked up suddenly. "Oh! Luna! Those ponies there!"

Luna nearly spat out her coffee in surprise as she was jerked back into the recently discarded conversation. "Them?"

"Definitely love magic eligible," Cadance nodded, and her horn began to glow.

"But how can you tell?!"

"It's just basic magic yo," Cadance said. "Now shut up and watch me work. It's springtime, bitches."

Author's Note

Originally Cadance's final line was just there as a joke.

But I actually couldn't think of how else to end this chapter.

So I left it.

Life During Imaginary Wartime *

Life During Imaginary Wartime *

Twilight set down a massive box of pizza on the café table before sitting down next to Celestia on the booth.

"Geez. Took you long enough," Luna grumbled. "Gimme a piece, I'm starving."

"Y'know, one of you girls could've gone," Twilight replied sharply. "Sometimes I feel like I get the short-end just because I'm the youngest."

"Oh, hush. We did 'nose-goes,' and you lost," Cadance jibed, opening the pizza box and peering inside. "Ew, mushrooms, Twilight? Seriously?"

"Whatever," Twilight grumbled. "You should've come with me to help pick it out then. Especially considering we've done nothing but play board games in here all day. I'm pretty sure they closed the café two hours ago and were too polite to ask us to finish our game."

"What? Game?!" Luna shrilled. "Equestria is a game to you? Look at the box, Twilight! It says right there: 'Global Domination!"'

"Right underneath '...The Game of...'" Twilight rolled her eyes. Then, she turned to Celestia. "Did they try anything funny?"

"I dared not take my eyes of the board," Celestia replied, still staring intently at the game of Equestrian Risk. "Even as Luna insisted that there was something of extreme importance behind me. I'm pleased to say the Royal United Solar Alliance stands strong, and has not been tampered with by the fearsome... uh, Team Awesome Alliance."

"We will be victorious," Luna sneered. "Right Cadance?"

"Uh, sure," she said, still prodding the pizza box. "But seriously, ew. Mushrooms. You had one job, Twilight."

"Oh, quit stalling," Celestia cut in. "I believe when we left off, I was attacking you, my dear niece. You are only delaying the inevitable."

"Yeah, yeah," Cadance grumbled. The crude, balkanized map of Equestria before them was dominated primarily by Celestia's yellow and Twilight's purple, and Luna and Cadance's blue and pink were a pinprick in a sea of looming defeat.

Cadance bit into her pizza savagely. "Luna, refresh my memory as to why we allowed alliances. Between egghead and older egghead, I don't think we ever stood a chance the moment they started scheming together."

"Nonsense!" Luna said proudly. "Be confident, Cadance! Equestria will be ours yet!"

"Come on. All we've got are two armies across Griffonstone and Yayakistan. They even took the Crystal Empire from me. War's over, Luna."

"It is not!" Luna barked. "Where is your moxy, Cadance?"

"I believe I have some in my purse," Cadance replied. "Sorry, Luna. We're done. Besides, I really should be getting home before Shining forgets to feed our goldfish again. And also Flurry. We might as well surrender and keep a bit of dignity—"

"Surrender?" Luna shrilled. "We shall never surrender! Did we surrender when Tirek was rampaging through Equestria?"

"Uh..." Twilight blinked. "Well technically—"

"It is in our nature to fight!" Luna cried.

"But only by drawing colourful cards from a deck." Cadance rolled her eyes. "Fine. Pass me the dice."

"Die," Twilight growled.

"Wow," Luna scoffed. "Rude."

"No! I mean, the singular form of dice is—ah, forget it."

Cadance grasped the die proudly in her magic, holding it close to her snout as if she were about to start whispering encouraging things to it—which, admittedly, was something Twilight would expect Luna to perhaps do.

Celestia, too, levitated a pair of dice towards her and did not hesitate before rolling them onto the table individually.

"Six," she said aloud as it came to a clattering stop. She tossed her second. "Aaaand another six!"

Celestia grinned widely, already pushing her army onto Yayakistan. Cadance let out a guttural growl as she released her own dice, if only for the last of her lingering pride. "Two."

"The Kingdom of Cadenzia is no more," Celestia declared, triumphantly plucking the last of Cadance's army from the board.

"I hate this game," Cadance grumbled. She took a violent swig from a bottle of red wine on the table. "I wanted to play Malnourished Hippos."

Luna glared at the board for several seconds.

"Well, I have no chance to survive," Luna said bluntly. "Eh. I surrender. Might as well keep some of my dignity."

"I'm too tired to get mad at you," Cadance said. "To the surprise of nopony, the nerdiest rulers in the world won the nerdiest game about ruling the world."

"That sentence was a work of art," Celestia said. "Well, Twilight? As an epilogue to this lengthy quest of world conquest, shall I annex the Twilightians with the Celestian army?"

"What?" Twilight blinked. "No way! If anything, you should annex your army with mine!"

Cadance and Luna shared a glance of growing dread.

"My dear Twilight, you performed marvelously, and I am considerably proud, but if it had not been for our truce I would have been able to wipe you off the board in three turns, tops."

"Oh, yeah?!" Twilight exclaimed. "We'll see about that! I attack Canterlot! The Celestian army is going down!"

The temperature in the café seemed to drop several degrees as Celestia slowly reached for the set of white dice.

"Luna?" she said, not taking her eyes off the board. "Let the castle know I will not be returning tonight. I will be preoccupied."

"What am I to tell them?" Luna protested.

"Tell them I am going to war with Twilight Sparkle."

Author's Note

I've been slowly chipping away at this chapter for, like, three months. Every time I've felt it's right, I've looked on it the next morning and decided it was rubbish.

Here it is in its least rubbish state.

Luna Has The Right To Music

Luna Has The Right To Music

"Amazing!" Luna yelled, brandishing the sleek electronic device and wearing a wide grin. "What is this machine called?!"

To Luna, it was a calmly asked question, but to Celestia and Cadance it was a screaming demand as Luna unintentionally rose her voice above the blaring music.

"I already told you. It's called an MP3-player," Cadance said. "And Luna, you don't have to scream! We're right he—"

"How do they fit so many instruments in such a small device?" Luna cut-in, apparently not hearing her. She did not seem to care for any actual answer, but instead seemed content to exaggeratedly nod her head to some beat only she could hear.

Cadance and Celestia shared a glance, and then Celestia reached forward and plucked the headphones from Luna's head.

"Hey!" Luna snapped as the song was abruptly cut short. "That's my empty-tree player!"

Cadance facehoofed and pressed the pause button on the device. "For the third time, it's MP3, Luna."

"Even I know that." Celestia sipped her tea smugly. "It stands for Music Playing... uh, Three."

Luna stuck out her tongue and wrenched the device back with her magic. In a moment, her music was blaring again.

"I still think you made a poor decision gifting her such a device, Cadance."

"...Starting to agree with you," Cadance replied, watching Luna bop her head, wearing a silly grin. "I never would've imagined Luna would be so into music."

"She always has been," Celestia said. "She used to keep up with all her favourite composers' personal lives. 'Celly! Haythoven just went through a break-up! I'd bet his next symphony is going to be a real doozy!' Luna was an ancient precursor of gossip papers. Right, Luna?"

Luna gave an oblivious grin and nodded her head.

"What kind of music did you put on that thing for her, anyways?" Celestia turned back to Cadance. "Nothing too intense, I hope?"

"'Nothing too intense,"' Cadance repeated, smirking. "I didn't put any of that lame pop-music from the 800s that you listen to, if that's what you're asking."

"New wave is not the same thing as pop," Celestia replied. "We've fought this battle before. Besides, I'd think you'd be all over pop music, Cadance. Isn't it all about loving each other?"

"No, it's about sex. Or dancing. One of the two. I prefer music that speaks the honest truths about reality in ways that sound epic as a teenager, but slowly begin to sound more and more like petty whining the more in-tune with reality the listeners actually are."

"So, punk rock," Celestia translated. "And don't forget, you're not the one who has to listen to Luna loudly singing angsty song lyrics all day. I don't know if I can take a single evening of listening to misheard song lyrics filtered through several layers of, uh... Luna-ness. It's bad enough you listen to such angry and rebellious music—"

Celestia broke off as Cadance tried and failed to contain an abrupt fit of laughter.

"What are you chortling at?"

"You just described punk music as 'angry' and 'rebellious', auntie," Cadance giggled. "You couldn't embody the 'Distrusting-of-this-Generation' trope anymore if you tried."

"Oh, hosh posh."

"See?! You did it again!"

"Malarkey."

"Okay, now you're doing it on purpose," Cadance facehoofed. "But anyways, get off Luna's case. She has a thousand years worth of stuff to catch up on. Don't be a music snob, auntie. Before we know it, you'll be telling her it sounds better on vinyl or something."

"Yes, yes," Celestia sighed. "I can take a hint. Although, don't accuse me of being a music snob, Miss Pop-Music-Is-the-Antithesis-To-All-Things-Good."

"Well it is," Cadance grumbled faintly. "Synthesized corporate crap."

Celestia rolled her eyes and sipped her tea. "But back to Luna and her little device..." she said. "I don't believe you fully understand the ramifications of what I am facing. Now, Luna will provide mundane tasks with loud musical accompaniment—filling the kitchen with the sounds of a blaring orchestra as I make a sandwich, or filling awkward silences in Day Court with guitar solos. All with her voice acting as a mellotron, I might add."

"Frankly, I don't know what you're complaining about," Cadance replied. "That sounds like it would be a blast. Or entertaining at the very least. I'm gonna call BS on any 'Living-With-Luna-Is-A-Chore' remarks, auntie. You're a terrible liar."

Celestia cast a wayward glance at her sister still bobbing her head and smiled faintly. "Yes, I suppose you're right. One thing's for certain. Luna's a good companion for an immortal. She always manages to annoy me in fresh and unpredictable ways, and I truly think that's the oddest blessing I have."

"Aw," Cadance smiled. "That's adorable."

Author's Note

I can really make a whole story about Princesses listening to pop-music, to be honest. That actually sounds like it might work. Hrmmmm....

ANYWAYS, real-life, combined with other writing priorities, meant I hadn't any time to write a chapter last week or much of this week. I had to skip the last one and didn't really have time to make this one much longer. Expect an extra, longer chapter before next Tuesday, and then we should be back to the regular schedule. Sorry about that.

OH ALSO! Quick announcement thing!

About a month or so ago, Catsofwar108 asked me for permission in attempting to make a running audio drama based on this story. I was/am quite obviously very enthusiastic towards the idea, as I imagine many of you are.

If anyone here has any voice acting talent or knows anyone with voice acting talent who would like to participate, the drama is still accepting auditions here. Poor Cadance has none yet! And here I thought she was a favourite amongst you guys....

I think it's a great idea, personally, and I'd love to see it come to fruition, but sadly it cannot unless more people audition.

It's Usually Better if True Love Waits *

It's Usually Better if True Love Waits *

"Alright," Cadance said. "Random embarrassing moments, go!"

Celestia narrowed her eyes. "When will your villainy cease, Cadance?"

"Hrm," Twilight frowned, too. "I've got a few, but I'd prefer not to start."

"I vote Celestia starts," Luna piped up.

"Seconded," Cadance agreed.

"Third... uh, thirded," Twilight blushed. "Sorry, Celestia."

"Fine," Celestia grumbled. "Give me a moment. I need to climb out from beneath the bus you three threw me under."

After a pause of several moments, Celestia blushed and looked to Twilight. The two shared a long and knowing look.

"Drunk at the gala?" Twilight guessed.

"Drunk at the gala." Celestia confirmed. "Definitely not my proudest moment."

"Wait, this is new," Cadance said. "Why didn't you tell this story before?"

"Because it's definitely not my proudest moment," Celestia deadpanned. "I thought perhaps the evening would pass more swiftly with a glass of wine in my hoof. Then one glass turned to three. Bottles. Then it turned to scotch. Then brandy. And then all of them at once. It had been several decades since I'd indulged in brandy and I forgot how much I enjoyed the taste."

"Celestia: drunk," Cadance breathed. "I need to know what that's like."

"Twilight?" Celestia brought a hoof to her snout. "Explain for you sister-in-law. Most of my memory of that evening is a blurry headache."

"Uh..." Twilight scratched an ear, drudging memories she surely must have made vain attempts to repress. "Really... uh, really confrontational, to be honest. Like, she was convinced a bunch of little school-fillies were trying to out-drink her. She was all like 'I'm the bloody sun... sun... sun pony. Don't even tryyyyyy.'"

With the exception of Celestia, the princesses all burst into laughter at Twilight's mediocre impression of Celestia speaking in a drunken drawl. Celestia herself blew her mane out of her eyes and hid a blush with a hoof.

"Wow," Cadance said when she eventually collected herself, her eyes watering. "I need to see that for myself."

"I'm glad to see that a thousand years hasn't changed you that much, Celly!" Luna chortled. "Alcohol is still the bane of the mighty Celestia's regality."

"Every time," Celestia facehoofed. "Every damn time, I swear I'm not even going to touch a drop, because I know it will snowball. And like a fool, I figure that I've grown old and mature enough that I can simply enjoy one glass of pansy white wine."

"She'll drink a decades worth of restraint in several hours," Luna mused.

"Can we please move on to ridiculing somepony else?" Celestia moaned. "Luna, perhaps?"

"With pleasure!" Luna nodded vigorously. "My most recent embarrassing moment is most likely..."

She frowned.

Then, she looked to Twilight for help.

"Uh... your temper tantrum when no one recognized your Nightmare's Night costume, maybe?"

"Ah yes, that comes to mind. Especially because I took Celestia's by mistake and didn't notice, and then when I noticed, I had no idea who I was supposed to be."

"You were a devil," Celestia said. "And it was a brilliant costume."

Twilight snorted. "Less-so when your 'still-trying-not-to-look-evil' sister wears it."

Luna nodded. "Regardless I do think my increasingly belligerent assertions that I was supposed to be a pumpkin were quite hilarious in hindsight," Luna said. Then, she shook her head and grinned. "Alright, Twilight! You're up!"

"Ugh, fine," Twilight rolled her eyes. "Probably... uh, probably..."

"The time you accidentally sent me a belligerent letter intended for an editor at Canterlot Times?" Celestia offered. "Judging by the thirty subsequent apologies I received, I assume you were quite embarrassed."

Twilight blushed intensely, sinking her head in her hooves. "I started the letter off with 'Dear Insolent Moron...'"

"I remember the rest clearly," Celestia grinned. "'Dear Insolent Moron. Please take your effortless and slanderous gossip paper and shove it down your feces-spewing throat, you myopic excuse for a journalist. I'm sure your loved ones are greatly proud of you, that you've managed to make a living off of spouting lies about pony's personal lives.'"

"Geez, Twilight," Cadance gawked. "The hell's the backstory there?"

"It is... one for another time," Twilight blushed further, her voice distorted as she spoke into the table, her head still locked in her hooves in shame. "Isn't it your turn, Cadance?"

"Yes it is," Celestia said. "Go on, dear niece. Finish what you started, you monster."

"Very well," Cadance said. "Probably the time a guard dug up my first anonymous love poem to Shining Armor when I was moving to the Crystal Empire. Never did find out what happened to that. I'd written it in high-school and it was really freaking bad, and the damn guard read it to all of his comrades thinking it was for one of them."

Suddenly, abruptly, Celestia gave an uncharacteristic snorting laugh.

"That poem was written by you?!"

Cadance blinked, wordlessly prompting elaboration.

"I found it! In a dumpster outside the castle!"

"Wait, why were you..." Cadance began, but then a greater horror dawned on her. "Tell me you didn't..."

"I read it! I... I think I still have it, actually!"

"Don't you dare look for it!" Cadance shrieked.

With a flare of her magic, an old bit of pink paper appeared in Celestia's aura.

"Don't you dare READ it!" Cadance shrieked even louder.

With a flat, unreadable frown, Celestia unfurled the paper and began reading in a stoic voice.

"To my eternal love,
Well I mean kind of,

Cause like, I'm immortal and such,
And you're not and that's a bit of a crutch,

Anyways I digress,
But your heart I wish I did possess,

I mean I could take it if I was wanting,
But I think that's a family story that's a little daunting,

So instead I'll woo you with these words of my heart,
That I wrote from the depths of my heart."

Celestia finished, setting the poem down with the same stoic frown.

Silence.

Cadance gave a low, guttural growl.

Then, Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all burst into laughter.

"I was, like, sixteen, alright?" Cadance moaned.

"I think it's kinda alright!" Twilight offered, although her attempts to stave back snorting laughter seemed to run contrary to her attempt at helpful encouragement. "I mean, you rhymed 'heart' with 'heart', and 'crutch' makes, like, absolutely no sense whatsoever in the context it was in, but I think it has potential!"

"Who's stupid idea was it to share embarrassing stories?" Cadance growled. Then, she grabbed the alcohol menu. "Screw this. I'm showing Celestia how a real mare drinks."

Twilight Writes A Letter to Equestria's Equivalent of TMZ (Bonus Chapter) *

Author's Note

Bit of OOC-Twi, cut/rewritten bonus stuff from the last chapter. Here it is as some bonus crap.

Somewhat of a humorous commentary on many comments I've seen on this site.

Twilight Writes A Letter to Equestria's Equivalent of TMZ (Bonus Chapter) *

Dear insolent moron,

Please take your effortless and slanderous gossip paper and shove it down your feces-spewing throat, you myopic excuse for a journalist. I'm sure your loved ones are greatly proud of you, that you've managed to make a living off of spouting lies about pony's personal lives.

Now, I assume you're wondering why I'm writing to you. Or maybe you're trying to figure out what these odd symbols are—I have my doubts you're actually literate at all, if what you actually think passes as "news" is something Equestria would be remotely interested in seeing.

Anyways, in the blue-moon off-chance that you actually can read, and these strange things called 'coherent sentences' make any sense to you, I'll begin by introducing myself.

Name's Princess Twilight Sparkle~~, bitch~~.

I'll be prompt. Having been referred to by a friend to your article "Are The Three Princesses Evil?" I naturally felt the urge to ~~posit a few officious remarks~~ ask a few questions vent my anger into a pissed-off letter.

First of all, are you aware of the fact that there are five princesses? Can you seriously not count? Or do you just have trouble figuring it out? I'll spell it out for you: if you refer to the pony as 'Princess' prior to saying their name, I think it's a safe bet that they're princesses. Or, they're just really spoiled children. Y'know, maybe that explains it—I can't see you all as anything else but spoiled children yourself, but at least the spoiled children I've met in my life are actually intelligent and articulate. I have in my mind a mental image of all of you in the office of Canterlot Times complaining about a "broken coffee machine" that isn't actually plugged in.

In your article, you claim that me and my fellow princesses are a "ploy." Interesting, bold theory. I was curious to read more, but that's literally all you said. That we're a ploy. You reworded it in so many different ways I have to wonder if someone just gave you a thesaurus for your birthday and you were really excited to use it. I'm not a journalist (not to imply that you are) but I've written plenty of essays and I know that a proper essay or article isn't just making a shocking claim, beating around your own feeble theorizing, and then ending without actually proving a shred of whatever crap your twisted little mind interprets as factual.

So, whatever. We're a ploy. Sure... so, all four of us throwing ourselves into literal mortal peril on multiple separate occasions is... a sham? Huh?

I guess one would note that it's kinda funny that I would even bother responding. "Why bother," somepony may think. Not you, of course, such rational thinking is beyond you. But yes, 'why bother' indeed. If the princesses aren't evil, why would they be offended that such is being claimed of them?

I'm honestly not offended. Your paper was humorous in its stupidity. On any other day I would've just let it be.

But seriously, get a freaking editor.

Your paper was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. I've compiled a list of them and I advise you to take them into serious consideration before you thrust your mediocrity into our faces.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia set down the letter slowly. She'd kept an eyebrow arched for the duration of the letter, and only now did she allow it to relax.

"Good heavens, Twilight," she breathed. "You beat me to the punch."

With a toothy grin, she crumbled up her own unfinished belligerent letter, tossed it into her fireplace, and then signed her name beneath Twilight's and sent it off to its proper destination.

Ordinary Average Mares

"Hey girls?" Cadance said.

"Yes?" Celestia asked.

"Yo," Luna said.

Cadance blinked in surprise at Luna's response, but shook her head quickly and carried on. "What were your biggest ambitions when you were fillies?"

Celestia and Luna shared a glance.

"Big ambitions," Celestia repeated. "Uh... 'living past twenty.' Right, Luna?"

Luna nodded. "Remember, Cadance. We lived during the Discord Era. Me and Celestia were born into a life of crime and poverty."

"Like rap artists," Celestia added.

"Good heavens, Auntie. Please don't try to act modern. Not again."

Celestia blushed. "Sorry. But, to answer your question more directly: no. Me and Luna literally had no ambitions because we lived in a society where such things were not only impossible but punishable."

"Geez." Cadance frowned. "That's depressing. What a crappy world."

"You're welcome," Luna said.

"Well, fine, ya old hags," Cadance rolled her eyes. "I'll rephrase the question. If you had to start your life over again, and you couldn't be princesses, what would you like to be?"

"Hrm." Celestia pursed her lips. "That is a good question. I confess that when I was still quite young, I was intrigued by the idea of becoming an explorer. Sadly... um, other things came up. Namely, usurping a king and taking over ruling a kingdom. I didn't mind staying behind and letting my ponies go into untamed reaches in my place. Flash-forwards a couple thousand years and... well, I suppose I could make a week or so of free-time to fly off into some undiscovered country, but I don't believe any undiscovered countries even remain."

"Aw," Cadance frowned. "I was expecting something funny. Way to be a huge downer."

"I apologize," Celestia blushed. "I also sometimes contemplate a career as an ice cream taster."

"Yeah, but who doesn't?" Luna said. "Personally, if I had to assume an ordinary and average job... I would probably become a painter."

"A painter," Cadance repeated bluntly.

"She's actually a really good painter," Celestia said. "Like, really good. Too bad she doesn't ever put her talents to good use." Celestia shuddered. "Beautifully rendered paintings of a morbidly obese me, gorging myself with sweets. A painting of a sleeping me snoring loudly. A painting of me coloured pink, demanding a guard to brush my mane. At least thirty paintings of my defeat to Chrysalis, each increasingly exaggerated every time."

"It's called an 'artist's interpretation.'" Luna waved a hoof. "I was napping at the time. So I didn't actually see the event."

"Ah. That justifies it then," Cadance deadpanned. "Well, whatever. You know what I'd like to do?"

"Actually," Celestia smiled. "I think I do. You'd like to be a punk rockstar."

Silence.

Cadance blushed. "Is it really so obvious?"

"My dear niece, are you forgetting all the times I had to convince pre-adolescent you that spiking your mane was a bad idea?"

"Ew," Cadance sunk her head into her hooves. "Thanks for the awkward pre-teen flashbacks."

Author's Note

Sorry I missed last week's again. Real life has made me her bitch.

Thanks to ChappedPenguinLips for prereading this chapter and easing some of my self-conscious neuroticsm.

Pet Standing Alone

"I'm getting a pet."

"Oh." Celestia looked up from her paperwork to smile at Cadance, and promptly looked back down again. "How nice."

Silence. Celestia hummed to herself cheerily and flipped a page and Luna flicked a rolled up bit of paper at a table across the diner, quickly hiding behind a menu when it struck somepony in the skull.

"I guess I was too subtle," Cadance said. "You were supposed to ask 'what kind of pet, my dear niece?'"

"Oh," Celestia said again. "What kind of pet are you getting, my dear niece?"

"I don't know!" Cadance flailed her hooves. "I can't decide! And Shining Armor is pulling the whole 'it's up to you, honey' routine. Like, bullroar it's up to me. It's a family affair. Crazy stallion."

"I thought you already had a pet?" Luna cocked her head. "An albatross or something?

"What?"

"That thing with the huge wings?"

"Luna..." Cadance facehoofed. "That's my child. That's Flurry Heart."

"Oh."

"Uh... anyways..." Celestia scratched her mane awkwardly. "Is this going to come down to a dog pony versus cat pony debate?"

"As neither, I'm curious to see where you girls stand," Cadance said.

"Well, cats are jerks," Luna said. "Apathetic, unloving jerks. Dogs actually give a crap about you. "

"That might be," Celestia mused. "But that's what gives them personality! Who wants a pet that just unconditionally does what you ask? That seems boring to me."

"The point of having a pet is to feel superior, though!" Luna protested. "Why would I like the feeling of being bossed around by a silent yet somehow snarky feline?"

"Luna... we literally rule the nation. We're the height of superiority." Celestia pointed out. "Perhaps it is for that reason that I don't mind something that doesn't greet me with an unending slurry of 'Yes, Princess!' and 'Oh, your will be done, Princess!' and instead greets me with 'I just knocked over your favourite potted plant onto your favourite ornate rug, and I am now staring at you without remorse as you clean it up.'"

"I suppose," Luna said. "Personally I don't have to deal with a thousand years of burnout, but I guess you have a point."

"That all being said, trust me and don't get a phoenix."

"Wait, what? Why?" Cadance cocked her head. "I thought you loved Philomena!"

"I do," Celestia said. "Dearly. But having a pet phoenix is like stargazing. Only once every decade does something interesting actually happen, and the entirety of the rest of the time you don't even see them at all."

Celestia glanced at the window, as if expecting the great bird to come swooping into the café right then. "Imagine caring for an immortal cat with wings and an incendiary grenade permanently strapped to its chest. Philomena once disappeared for thirty years, found me while I was attending a wedding, and then exploded into ashes all over the bride. Then, after my extensive apologizing and her molting was complete, she vanished once again. Having an immortal bird as a companion seemed like a good idea, but they really are solitary animals."

"Doesn't Twilight have a pet owl?" Cadance said. "Wouldn't that be the same issue? Isn't that a nocturnal bird?"

"It would be an issue for any normal pony, but not for Twilight. She doesn't sleep," Luna said. "Trust me, I've checked. She may even rival my coffee intake."

"Oh? Hey, do you have a pet, Luna?"

"Are you kidding?" Celestia snorted. "She can hardly care for herself, let alone another living thing!"

"Hey! I kept that desktop cactus you gave me alive for months!"

"Yes," Celestia said. "A fake plastic cactus. And in the end you still managed to make it wilt and die."

"Whatever," Luna grumbled. "Personally, I think I'm going to go with Cadance to get a pet. Something to put your smug little phoenix in its place."

"Oh joy," Celestia drawled, casting Luna a sideways glance. "I've always wanted a third stubborn creature to take care of."

Author's Note

Oh, by the way... I meant to have this a few chapters ago but I forgot.

Basically since I'd like to see where you all stand on the issue before thinking of taking action, I'd really appreciate it if you took a moment to fill out this poll regarding Twilight's character. Thanks in advance.

EDIT: Aw don't worry people, I love Tiberius! ~~I just have very little knowledge of the comics and the fandom's stance on their canon-ness.~~

The Name Game Sucks, Let's Play Something Different

“Celestia damn it!”

Celestia’s ears perked at the barking curse from across the diner as an empty glass shattered and a waitress began chanting apologetic remarks to a belligerent stallion patron.

“What a jerk,” Luna narrowed her eyes at the stallion still berating the half-cowering waitress. “Somebody’s getting a nightmare tonight.”

Celestia and Cadance both voiced their agreement with a wordless nod.

“Can I ask you girls a question?” Celestia frowned, alternating between glances at the commotion, and at Cadance and Luna.

“Go ahead, Auntie.”

“... Should I be insulted or flattered that ponies chose to use my name as an expletive?”

A brief pause.

“Uh… why would you be insulted?” Cadance cocked her head. “That seems to me like it should be, like, the highest honour.”

“Yes I suppose, but in such a context! ‘Celestia damn it!’ I don’t damn anything! I’m a benevolent and loving pony, not some cruel, damning overlord! I have no idea where such a notion even comes from!”

“Perhaps from the fact that you literally damned Tirek to the pony equivalent of hell?” Cadance offered. “Twice?”

“Tartarus isn’t hell! We were there, Cadance! Did it look like hell to you?”

“Uh… kinda? It really did give off some hell-ish vibes.”

“There was brimstone,” Luna recounted. “And it was really humid. Granted, no fire, but it was still pretty blistering.”

“Face it, Auntie,” Cadance said. “Tartarus is three-quarters of the way to just being hell. Heck, I remember this one stallion in high-school who was trying to get me to ditch Shiny for him. I told him to ‘go to hell’ and then got a letter later that day that said ‘okay now what.’”

“Well, whatever. That’s all irrelevant.” Celestia shook her head. “The point is, I don’t appreciate ponies using my name in the context of such vulgarity.”

“Then ask them not to,” Luna replied. “It’s not rocket surgery.”

“But then they’ll only continue doing so! More so, really! If you make something seem taboo, then ponies will only want to do it more. Don’t you remember the prohibition?”

“Ah, quite true!” Luna nodded vigorously. “Those were fun times! Well, regardless, I think it’s a fairly silly thing to get insulted by. Didn’t hear me complaining when ponies said such things about me.”

Cadance blinked. “Luna… not to be rude, but you literally went homicidally insane when ponies said such things about you.”

“Yes, but I didn’t complain. I proactively sought a solution! Albeit a poor one, but you’ve gotta give me credit for trying. Something which Celestia is refusing to do.”

“Well, I suppose I can state that I am uncomfortable,” Celestia admitted. “‘Celestia damn it’ isn’t intentionally offensive, I imagine. I’m sure the ponies don’t even realize what they’re saying.”

“Tell them if they don’t stop, there will be hell to pay.”

Silence.

Cadance facehoofed. “Luna, that would literally accomplish the opposite of what she’s trying to accomplish.”

“Fine,” Luna growled defensively. “Don’t take my advice. But you don’t see ponies calling me ‘Twinkletail’ anymore, now do you?”

Cadance blinked, and gave a blushing Celestia a blank stare. Whatever thousand-year-context she was missing, Cadance quickly decided she didn’t wish to know.

“And what about you, Cadance?” Luna carried on her defensive strike to her blushing niece. “Or should I say Cad—ence! With an E!”

Cadance shuddered. “No matter how many times I correct ponies, that one letter has been haunting my name for my whole life.”

“Exactly,” Luna nodded.

“I mean it’s not even that complicated!” Cadance said. “It’s pronounced Kay-Dance! Not Kay-Dense! I’m not dense!”

“You see?” Celestia said. “It’s not weird that I am bothered by this.”

“No, I guess not,” Cadance agreed. “But eh. I don’t think any of those names are really intentionally offensive. And if Luna’s any indication, it’s probably not worth it to try and force them all to stop.”

“Suit yourselves,” Luna said smugly. “I’m revered as the holiest and most mysterious of all the princesses, and all it took was an earth-shattering level of heartbreak, a thousand years of solitude and regret, and some black fur dye.”

More silence.

"Er... actually," Luna scratched her mane, blushing as she let her own sentence properly register. "On second thought..."

Sparkle, T. (2016). Quoted in 'Collected Equestrian Speeches of the Newest Century.' Canterlot, Equestria. Trottingston Publishing. *

Sparkle, T. (2016). Quoted in 'Collected Equestrian Speeches of the Newest Century.' Canterlot, Equestria. Trottingston Publishing. *

Twilight blew her mane out of her eyes with an annoyed 'humph!'. "Y'know, you girls can stop making fun of me anytime."

"Oh, we're not making fun of you," Cadance replied. "But this is too funny to just ignore."

Twilight levitated her beverage and took an angry drink, although the effect was lost considering her beverage of choice was a tall pink milkshake. "Can't we talk about the weather or something?"

"Oh, we did that five chapters ago," Luna replied. "Don't blame us for not being around. Anyways, keep reading, Celly."

Celestia complied with a wide smile, cracking the newspaper before her. "'...the best things you can do,' Flim and Flam continued, '...is to care for others and help them care themselves..."'

"He plagiarized me," Twilight growled, wrenching the newspaper from Celestia's aura and crumbling it up in frustration. "He stole my freaking lines. He stole my whole speech basically! And then he has the gall to cite me?! Without asking if I even approved?!"

"We had this conversation last week," Luna trilled. "You should be honoured, Twilight! He quoted you!"

"Oh, bullroar I'm honoured!" Twilight growled. "I don't want to be associated with... with corrupt businessmen! I feel like I could write a whole damn novel about how much I dislike them, but here they are acting all... all buddy-buddy with me to the point of ripping me off."

"Do I detect another angry letter in the works?" Celestia asked with a devilish grin.

"You probably do," Twilight replied.

Celestia snickered. "Well, like Luna said. You should be a little complimented that you said something worth repeating."

"Right, but words are a weapon, Princess Celestia," Twilight said. "With great... uh, diction, comes great responsibility. I'd think you'd know about it. Haven't you accidentally started any race wars or anything?"

Celestia frowned. "Now that you mention it... I've been accused of being a tribalist thanks to some horrible actions ponies have performed in 'my name' and with some out of context thing I said as justification."

"Eh, you two have it easy," Cadance said. "My legacy will probably be having accidentally started a trend of Disaster Baby Names."

Silence.

"Disaster Baby Names?" Luna cocked her head. "I'm intrigued."

"Exactly what it says on the can," Cadance replied. "Ponies naming their babies after huge disasters. I started a horrible thing. I feel bad for whatever poor soul must go through life forever known as Swirling Tsunami or Fitz Edmund or something."

"If I had a nickel for ever cult I inspired with my whole "usurper rants as Nightmare Moon," I could buy out the present monarchy instead of overthrowing it," Luna added. "I was much more charismatic as Nightmare Moon, in retrospect."

"The point is, Twilight," Celestia said, smiling. "As soon as you're in any position of elevated status, ponies begin to see you as more important. I don't think anypony here at this table necessarily likes that, but it is the way we must live."

"I just wish there could be a... a buffer between when ponies do and don't quote me or take me incredibly seriously. I feel like I always come across as... as Miss Friendly-Friendship-Pony even when I'm trying to be deadly serious. I... I have difficulty trying to actually assert to ponies that I'm not really willing to take their crap."

"Tell that to the folks at the Canterlot Times," Celestia replied.

"Well that's what I mean. I have no real buffer. I'm either furious or friendly. I can't just be... uh, apathetic.""

"You know..." Cadance replied lazily. "I've got an age-old strategy for that."

Twilight blinked. Her gaze quickly became one of intense focus.

"I see you're interested." Cadance smiled. "Want to know the sure fire way to reach Apathetic Status? To look like you don't give a crap about anything?"

"I do." Twilight nodded.

Cadance leaned back. "Eat an apple."

Twilight blinked again. "...what?"

"Eat an apple. Seriously. You're talking with somepony. A foreign dignitary maybe. He's walking all over you, trying to appeal to your 'goodness' or whatever. Then, you bust out the apple. Suddenly, you're Queen Bitch of the Room. You don't care about anypony or anything there. Queen Chrysalis could bust in the room, but she'd see you and instantly stop. Cause you're busy. Busy with an apple. Busy eating an apple. You don't have time to care about her. Have you ever seen a pony eat an apple while carrying any level of concern towards their surroundings? No. Because you don't mess with a pony when they're eating an apple."

"I... I'm a little speechless," Twilight confessed. "You're not even wrong."

"Of course I'm not," Cadance said. "You know, Celestia may be a hell of a gambit planner, but she's lacking in the flair department."

Goodbye Horses, I'm Flying Over You

"But why are we going to Ponyville?" Luna moaned, swirling a forkful of crepe in her syrup. "I don't wanna!"

"Luna, stop whining!" Celestia nearly barked. "You're a princess, for heavens sake."

"Which is why I should have a say in my affairs! If I don't wish to go to Ponyville, I will not be going to Ponyville."

"Trust me on this one, Luna. The Ponyville Pie Contest needs a judge and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be the one. And I need you to come along because I will be too busy elegantly gorging myself to accurately judge the pies to find the best tasting one."

"Geez Auntie." Cadance looked down from her magazine and whistled in admiration. "Even your gluttonous outbursts are organized and dignified."

"Of course." Celestia waved a hoof. "Again, trust me, Luna. Their pies are of a holy level of quality."

"Fine," Luna grumbled, finally pushing her unfinished plate of crepes away from her. "But I'm flying myself."

"Oh?" Celestia cocked her head. "But I was going to take the chariot. The poor harness guards have been repeatedly pestering me as to when I plan on travelling far. I think they are anxious to stretch their wings."

"I don't like the chariot," Luna muttered. "Excessive affair. Always moving too slow for my liking, guards always waving union contracts at me when I overuse the whip. Heck, Cadance is on my side, right? She ditched her own chariot!"

"I did not!" Cadance protested.

"I've never seen you use it," Luna said, frowning.

"I have.. uh, reasons. But I definitely have one."

"She definitely does," Celestia confirmed. "It was a birthday present from me. Painted oak trim, polished azure velvet seats... it's one hell of a chariot."

"It was," Cadance agreed.

"Wait," Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Was?"

"Is!" Cadance screeched. "It is a hell of a chariot!"

Celestia narrowed her eyes further, setting down her tea slowly.

"It's... uh, getting repairs right now. But I assure you it still exists in one piece."

"Getting repairs."

"Yes! The transmission, I believe."

"Transmission." Celestia repeated, frowning. "Cadance. It's a chariot."

"Alright, fine!" Cadance threw her hooves up. "It was a DUI! I got a DUI! Nopony was hurt, but... well, that's why you never see me with my chariot."

Silence.

"A DUI," Celestia repeated. "In your chariot."

"You're awfully repetitive today, sister," Luna said. "Do you need to get your hearing checked? Frankly, I'm surprised Cadance didn't mention it sooner. It was quite the impressive explosion!"

More silence.

"Please stop talking, Luna," Cadance moaned, bringing a hoof to the bridge of her snout.

"No, start talking, Cadance," Celestia said. "I wish to hear how you managed to improperly pilot an unpiloted vehicle."

What Is To Never Be Is To Be And Should Never Be

"This is the salt," Cadance growled, tossing the shaker roughly across the table. "I asked for sugar, you halfwit!"

"Oh! I apologize!" Celestia chuckled, passing the appropriate shaker with a sheepish smile. "I'm awfully distracted this morning, it seems. Good thing you noticed before it ended up in your coffee, Caddy!"

"Good thing for you," Cadance said. "And I thought I told you not to call me that."

Celestia blinked in surprise, but maintained her polite composure. "Right, I'm sorry. You did."

"How many times do I need to repeat myself before you actually get it, Aunt Celestia? Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?"

"Uh..." Luna blinked. "Cadance, she said sorry. Again... is everything alright?"

"Yes," Cadance growled. "I should be asking the same for you two. Why is it necessary for me to have to repeat everything to you blithering fools?"

"You... you just seem to be quite grumpy this morning, Cadance," Luna said. "If there's anything Celly or I can help you with—"

"You can help me by shutting your fester-some trap."

Luna gawked in surprise but complied, her lip quivering a little. Celestia, however, bristled with evident frustration.

"Cadance I get that you're upset, but I can't just let you talk to my sister like that!"

Luna blushed at Celestia's defenisveness, but nodded nonetheless. "Cadance, I'm sure it might help if you talk about whatever is bothering you."

"When was the last time you were sure about anything, you blithering marechild?" Cadance seethed. "No. Trust me. I am fine. The matters which concern me do not concern you nor Aunt Celestia. So be silent."

And thus, there was silence.

Right until a familiar voice rung out.

"Hey girls! Sorry I'm late! You'll never guess what Shining—"

Silence.

"Um..." Cadance blinked in shock at... a mirror image of herself blinking at her in shock from the restraunt booth.

"Who the hell are you?!" The Cadance sitting next to Luna in the restaurant booth barked out, her surprised look vanishing to one of fury.

The still-gawking Cadance facehoofed violently. "Alright, Queen Chrysalis. You're gonna have to try harder than that."

"Father of a braindead nymph..." The first Cadance growled. There was a flare of green magic, and then Luna nearly jumped out her spine as she realized she was sitting directly beside the infamous Queen Chrysalis.

"I have several questions," Luna piped up.

"I imagine we all do," Celestia said, frowning in focus.

Then, the sun princess scooted a little to make way for Cadance, who simply stared at the seat directly before Chrysalis before reluctantly sitting in front of the changeling queen.

"How is life, Princess Cadance?" Chrysalis sneered. "Get locked in any subterranean caverns recently?"

"Depends." Cadance sneered back. "Get your bitchy ass catapulted half across Equestria recently?"

Chrysalis frowned. "Care for a rematch, Princess?"

"Yeah, against all three of us," Celestia retorted. "Good luck. What are you trying to pull, Queen Chrysalis?"

"Surely there's no harm in simply sitting innocently in a coffee shop?"

"There is when you're a multi-nationally recognized fugitive."

"I'm innocent!"

All three princesses rose their eyebrows simultaneously.

“Well, marginally innocent," Chrysalis elaborated. "Like, 20% innocent."

“Uh huh. Conspiracy,” Celestia recounted. “Kidnapping. Stealing magic. Attempted murder. Intrusion into Equestrian soil.”

“Wait wait wait!” Chrysalis cut in sharply. “What the hell was that last one? You made that one up! That’s not a crime!”

"Again, multi-national fugitive. Different rules apply to you."

"Well, point is, I'm not doing any of that stuff now. I'm just here to chat."

"Chat," Cadance repeated.

"Yeah! With no ulterior motives whatsoever! I promise!"

"Then why did you even bother disguising yourself!"

"Oh please. You wouldn't have let me get within a foot of Canterlot if I hadn't. I'm sure that's been made clear to the guard. Speaking of which, how is our husband doing?"

Cadance sputtered. "EXCUSE ME?! Our husband?!"

"Well, come on. In all technicality, I married him first. So really, he's cheating on me by living with you."

Silence.

"She's not wrong," Luna chirped. "And the child situation only complicates things further."

"Wait, child?" Chrysalis cocked her head.

"Yes!" Cadance said triumphantly, happy for some additional thread to leap onto. "I'm a mother now!"

"I'm an aunt?!" Queen Chrysalis cried, her eyes growing wide and a massive smile splitting across her face. "By jove! That changes everything!"

Cadance blinked. "Um..."

"I've always wanted to be an Aunt, but changelings don't do that sort of thing. We're more the 'go-to-war-with-our-brothers-and-sisters-for-dominance' type," Chrysalis chattered. "So? What's her name?!" Why haven't you shown her to me?! You mean to tell me you didn't even invite me to the baby shower?"

Cadance blinked again. "Are... are you actually being serious right now?"

Chrysalis did not seem to hear her. "We can have a family get-together! A family reunion! My 1,232 children can meet yours! We'd be one big, happy, illegitimate family!"

Cadance blinked for a third time.

Then, she looked to Celestia and Luna in desperation.

Luna shrugged. "That honestly sounds like it would be quite a lot of fun. Although I already thought you were an ant, Queen Chrysalis."

Chrysalis glared at Luna, but said nothing.

Celestia blushed as she broke the silence. "I admit I also like the sound of that. Plus the diplomatic repercussions of potential changeling and pony peace."

"Have you two lost it?" Cadance shrilled. "This is Chrysalis we're talking about! She's a changeling!"

"Wow! Racist!" Chrysalis brought a hoof to her chest in obviously-faux offense. "I'm just a poor old mare trying to provide for her swarm of children!"

"Queen Chrysalis. Seriously," Cadance said, facehoofing. "Why the blazes are you here?"

"Initially?" Chrysalis waved a hoof. "To collect child support and alimony payments. Shining Armor owes me..." Chrysalis frowned and materialized a pocket calculator, punching a few buttons. "One-hundred-and-thirty billion bits."

"How do you figure—!"

"Twelve hundred and thirty two little hatchlings. That's how. But you're starting a family of your own? That changes everything!"

Cadance facehoofed. "You can't possibly hope I'm stupid enough to host a family reunion and invite a changeling army to it!"

"Well, sister-in-law..." Chrysalis began, smiling as Cadance cringed. "There's always the monetary alternative I came here for."

"Yeah, right! Like you could possibly prove that in a court of law."

Silence.

Cadance frowned as Celestia sheepishly hid behind a dessert menu.

"Celestia..." Cadance growled. "Tell her she's full of crap! Spew some legal junk at her."

"I... actually don't know if I can," Celestia admitted. "Chrysalis might have some legal footing there."

"You're kidding me."

"Sadly, I'm not."

"What the hell kind of system is that?"

"I'm sorry," Celestia said earnestly. "I guess I didn't factor in zombified-pony-minds and shapeshifting-bugs when I wrote my statutes on divorce law."

"Family get-together it is!" Chrysalis cried triumphantly. "This day is going to be—"

"Finish that sentence," Cadance barked. "... And I swear, I'll shove a can of insecticide down your throat."

Author's Note

So, you people wanted a Chrysalis chapter.

So I wrote one.

And I might continue the narrative implied in this one as an independent story, depending on whether or not there is interest.

Definetely A Weird Sort of Homecoming

"It's twelve."

"Yes, Luna."

"She said she'd be here at twelve."

"Yes, Luna."

"She's not here."

"No, Luna."

"Why isn't she here?"

Celestia let out a long sigh and set her knitting down in order to meet Luna's eyes. "Because last I checked, Cadance is no paragon of punctuality. I'm sure she's just running late."

Luna groaned loudly and took to ripping up a nearby napkin. "I'm boreeeed!"

"Well, could you entertain yourself in a less messy fashion?" Celestia retook her knitting needles whilst glaring at the bits of napkin that Luna was letting fall carelessly onto the diner floor.

"What if something happened? What if her chariot blew up on the way back from... um, at the risk of sounding like I'm justifying exposition, where did she go again?"

"For the last time, Luna, Cadance went to—"

"Guess who?!" A familiar voice interrupted Celestia.

"Cadance!" Luna screamed, leaping out of the booth to tackle-hug Cadance. "You're back!"

"Holy fu—" Cadance started to say, before Luna made impact and knocked the words from her mouth. "Hey to you too, Luna, geez."

"It is good to see you, Caddy," Celestia said. "Things have been dreadfully boring in your absence."

"Indeed," Luna nodded. "It feels like you've been gone for 237 days!"

"I only missed a few Tuesdays," Cadance responded. "Anything interesting happen?"

"No," Celestia said earnestly. "I can honestly say that absolutely nothing worthy of note happened in your absence. An empty void of nothingness."

"Well. Good to know I'm the social glue that keeps our lives interesting," Cadance responded with a grin. "I'm glad to be back, personally. Worst. Vacation. Ever."

Celestia frowned. "Do tell."

"What happens in Las Pegasus stays in Las Pegasus, Celestia."

"Until I read about it in the tabloids," Celestia retorted.

Groaning loudly, Cadance facehoofed. "Damn it, you're right. Well, let's just say I accidentally bet the Crystal Kingdom on a card-hand, and that isn't even the worst thing that happened."

"You... what?" Celestia deadpanned.

Cadance nodded bitterly. "I'm fairly sure I was playing against King Sombra, too. I remember he had sideburns, anyways, so it was probably him."

"I'm gonna need some context, Cadance," Celestia said, her horrified gaze at odds with Luna's prideful smile.

"Look, it's all a set-up anyways." Cadance flailed her hooves in the air. "Free hard liquor at a casino? It's diabolical is what it is! How am I supposed to not get tipsy?"

"I see," Celestia said. "And the end result?"

"I won," Cadance waved a hoof dismissively. "I mean hey, half of love is luck, right? Remember how my old chariot got impounded? Well, I won a new one in Las Pegasus."

Even Luna looked shocked. "You bet the livelihood of your subjects... on a new chariot."

"Nooooo, I bet the Crystal Kingdom," Cadance winked. "I rule the Crystal Empire. The Crystal Kingdom is a strip club on Third. Details matter."

"That's... decently clever," Celestia admit.

"Hey, I'm always on duty," Cadance shrugged.

"Did anything else of note happen?" Luna asked.

"Eh. It's all a blur, honestly. I swear, my grandchildren are probably gonna inherit the hangover I have right now."

"Well, regardless, it's good to have you back, Cadance," Celestia said after awhile, resuming her knitting with a small frown.

"Indeed!" Luna chirped loudly. "Between the two of us, Celestia is dreadfully boring to be around by her lonesome."

"I... don't think the phrase 'between the two of us' works when the pony you're shit-talking is right beside you," Cadance said. "Although... Auntie, are you seriously knitting? That IS really lame, geez."

Celestia looked at Cadance, at her knitting needles, and back at Cadance. "I'm two-thousand-seven-hundred and forty-seven. I think that if anypony has the right to old mare habits, it's me. Besides, forgive me if I don't take my bendering, coke-snorting niece's advice on which habits I should and shouldn't have."

"That's—!" Cadance began to protest, but stopped instantly. "...a fairly good point, actually. Anyways, as crazy as the last while has been, I'm really glad to be back."

"Yes," Luna agreed. Then, without any warning, the entire cafe seemed to take on a cold, dark aura as Luna leaned forwards, her expression falling into one of severity. "Now, don't you ever miss a Tuesday again. You made a promise to us and if you so much as think of breaking it again, there will be consequences."

"Duly noted, Luna."

Celestia Likes Cake But Who the Heck Doesn't

“Question,” Celestia posed quietly, putting down the tabloid paper for a moment to lock eyes with Cadance and Luna. “What is the deal with cake?”

“You mean… the weird, bizarre, unclearly founded, and ultimately forced-seeming running joke that you are some cake obsessed glutton even though such has never been explicitly shown by any means?” Luna posed, donning her 'exposition smirk.'

“Indeed! I mean, why has such a thing not plagued you two?”

“I'm sure it has,” Cadance replied.

“Oh, has it? What is it, Cadance? Cupcakes? Chocolate brownies? What?”

“I… look, I can't think of anything, but I'm sure theres—”

“And you, Luna? What? Surely there's some food that everypony can recognize relative to you?”

“I… um, 'tragic backstory?'” Luna attempted meekly.

“No, no,” Celestia shook her head. “That's a trait. We all have those.”

“Well, I don't know,” Cadance sighed. “It's weird. End of story.”

“No, because it isn't the end,” Celestia replied. “It is evidence of something greater. Trust me when I say that the cake question is one that has long since been pricking away at the edges of my subconscious.”

“Damn, Auntie,” Caddy whistled. “You're going all in with this. Are you sure you didn't help yourself to some of the… uh, tiktaks in my purse?”

“Shh, Caddy, shh” Luna shushed. “She should be saying something semi—”

“—For the love of… Luna, shut up!”

“...I mean, the belief is irrelevant,” Celestia was saying, seemingly unhearing the others. She had started on a thought, and it was clear she wasn't being shaken from it. “The belief could be anything, truly. I could… I don't know, like to eat fig newtons instead of cake. I could… have a fetish for shaving cream. It doesn't matter. The point is that it exists. It formed from someplace.”

“From word of mouth,” Cadance sighed. “That's all, Auntie. It snowballed. It came from one place and it grew and in a little while it will fade again. Ponies are weird, the world is weird, end of story.”

“No, not end of story,” Celestia replied shortly. “See, these ponies… this 'word of mouth' group you speak of… these are the ponies who are at an eternal state of not knowing me personally. It as though I myself am a black hole, and they are entities at the exact orbit to have no perception of the true nature of my form due to all known data being made fundamentally impossible to reach them.”

“And what difference does that make?” Luna cocked her head.

“These ponies don't know me personally, but also need to know of me. Therefore an easily described 'image' of me is borne out of their societal collective minds. An easily accesible spark that would ignite the necessary componetns in a pony's mind to allow them to remember me. This spark has become rooted as numerous things; 'The Princess', 'the sun', and yes, 'the cake addict.'”

“So, what? That's become one of society's buzzwords for you?”

“Indeed! A life with millenniums of experience before her, and yet she can be reduced in history's eye by something as mundane as cake! What impact have I made, if this is all I am? What impact can any of us have, if even a princess of Equestria cannot exist in the spectrum of the universal?”

By now, Celestia's voice was changed. No longer was this a mere thought experiment to her. This was some manner of nirvana.

“Yes, yes. A life is a word, and a word is a merely abstract construction of our minds. Therefore, the very concept of life itself is no more than a perception of one's own. An eternally inaccurate lens we can never remove.”

“Auntie… hold the phone,” Cadance blinked. “Did you just… did you just logically progress to proving that life is meaningless using 'cake addiction' as a prompt?”

“I suppose,” Celestia shrugged, retaking her knitting, as though Cadance had just asked about the weather and she had just finished explaining. “...that somepony could assert that there is some manner of transcendental outlier to this. One thing that indeed holds meaning, even if nothing else does.

“But what signifies this outlier; be it physics, be it a god, be it cake? How can this outlier be described by anything but our own words, which we have already proven cannot be trusted?”

“Alright, Luna,” Cadance groaned. “When you get back to the castle, burn every single Intro To Philosophy textbook Celestia has access to.”

“Noted,” Luna agreed. “Celestia that was… something.”

Celestia shrugged. “Eh. Mere food for thought. Anyways, want me to read you all your horoscopes?”

I'm the Leader of Equestria, AMA

"So... wait, it's good?"

"Yes, Auntie," Cadance said, giggling a little as Celestia peered at the glowing device. "Congratulations, you are officially on the Ponynet."

"Dumb name," Luna said offhandedly, aimlessly stirring her pitch-black coffee. "Doesn't even make sense."

"Shush, shush!" Celestia cast a glance in Luna's direction, and then looked back at the glowing tablet device in front of her. Cadance had brought it, and though most of her instructions had seemed meaningless syllables to Celestia, eventually she was able to derive some sort of meaning from what her younger niece was saying. "I'm about to submit the Eh Mah."

"The what now?"

"AMA?" Celestia said again. "That is what it is called?"

"A.M.A. It's an acronym, auntie. Ask Me Anything."

Celestia blinked. "A-anything?"

"Y'know. Within reason."

"Cadance. I am a little skeptical such 'reason' will be obeyed."

"Oh, stop worrying!" Luna cut in. "It will be fun!"

Luna's horn flared, and before Celestia could protest, the thread had been posted to the Ponynet for the entire electronically inclined version of their nation to see.

Silence.

"Nothing is happening." Luna said. "Are we uninteresting to them?"

"For goodness sake, Luna, give it a moment." Cadance replied, rolling her eyes. Then, the smaller little hell-rectangle in her purse let out a little chirrup, and she smiled. "Here we go! You have your first question! It's for you, Luna!"

Luna leaned forwards, her eyes alight with curiosity. "Ooooh?!"

"What product do you use for your mane, Princess Luna?" Cadance read aloud. "I've tried everything, but I can't get the same free-flowing hold whatever gel you use does."

"Ah! That is simple, my faithful subject! The answer is, I make my own mane gel!" She ran a hoof through her mane. Cadance and Celestia gawked in disgust.

"I'm, uh. Writing Stableline, Luna." Cadance shook her head. "Ooh, another one! Celly, you're up!"

Celestia leaned forward expectantly, peering down at the device on the table in front of her as she read it along with Cadance.

"Princess Celestia, your love of tea is quite common knowledge. What is your favourite flavour, and why?"

"An excellent question, my little pony!" Celestia beamed. "Though it is one that very much depends on the time of day, weather conditions, and my own general mood at least as much as the flavour of the tea itself. You see, there are different flavours that compliment different moods... when I am relaxing with a book, unwinding after a stressful day, I find that the muted, subtle aroma of camomille or lavender work wonders at easing my mood. You see, most herbal teas contain a chemical compound called epigallocatechin gallate, or EPCG, which has been found by various studies to induce a calmer state of mind. Though, part of me wonders if that is simply a result of the context one drinks tea during, since it isn't often one drinks tea in a stressful environment. Though, that being said, I have found stronger teas, like oolongs, earl greys, or peppermint... or ones with a sweet and fruity taste such as hibiscus, to be rather helpful in easing me comfortably into my morning routine, as opposed to easing me back out of my hectic daily routine. So, as much as I would like to say that camomille or lavender are my favourite, it is in some sense facetious since it sort of does a disservice to other teas that are a vital component of helping me handle the day in a productive way early in the morning."

Celestia blushed when she realized she'd been ranting, and she did her best to salvage it with a nervous little grin. "I hope that answers your question!"

Luna and Cadance shared a glance.

"Auntie, you hit the wordcount at the first 'camomille', so I'm just gonna put that." Cadance facehoofed. "Ooh, oh, another for Luna! Princess Luna, I've been your biggest fan since your return..."

Luna beamed, and Celestia gave her sister a proud smile.

"...My question is... Would you ever consider going on a date with me?"

Luna's smile dropped. Celestia stifled a giggle.

"There's, uh. A few of these for Luna, actually." Cadance offered, helpfully. "Some are more, uh. Graphic than others. This upstanding fella asked for 'hoof pics.' I'm gonna skip past these now and purge them from my brain. We cool with that?"

Luna said nothing, but nodded her head rapidly.

"Oh, one for me! Princess Cadance... you were quite young when you were crowned a Princess. I'm about to go away to Magical School and I'm quite worried because I'm going to be the youngest in my class. My question is... was being a young Princess stressful, and if so, how did you cope?'" Cadance nodded her head a few times as she dictated. "Oh, doi, it was totally stressful. It still is, but I've also got the best support group ever, a dorky and selectively competent hubby I love, and tons of experience. Don't worry so much and confront things head on when they come. That's the Princess of Love strategy."

Celestia smiled at Cadance pridefully, then, she glanced at her tablet and an excited grin split across her face. "Oh, oh! A question for both Luna and I!"

Luna peered over eagerly, too, and read it aloud. "Dear Royal Sisters... what's one embarrassing thing about the other that they don't know that you know?" Luna's grin turned predatory. "Celestia's mane becomes grey if she doesn't dye it every few months."

Celestia scowled. "Yeah, well, Luna, Spike, Queen Chrysalis, and The Great and Powerful Trixie get together in secret to play Ogres & Oubliettes together every Friday night. Luna's character is a black and red alicorn-thestral hybrid who is a vampire mage that calls themselves Ebony Darkhorn."

Luna's predatory grin turned to an embarrased glare, and she blew her mane out of her face with a 'hrmph!'. Cadance snickered. "That's adorable, Luna. Oh, oh! Another one for Celestia! Are you secretly a tyrant in disguise? I'm onto you if you are."

"Damn. I am found out." Celestia threw her hooves up, rolling her eyes. "The evidence is truly piled against me, and clearly the revolution is nigh."

"Alright, alright." Cadance was grinning, shaking her head at her aunt's antics. "Uh, one for the three of us, from a clearly anonymous BookloverTSparks. They, uh. Want to know why they weren't invited to this."

"Damn it." Celestia hit the table with a hoof. "Tell her we'll get her for the sequel."

Author's Note

I had no idea how to end this.

I like this format for chapters, by the way. I will likely bring it back again.

A Chapter About Nothing

Luna fiddled with her mug awkwardly, finally looking up from the depths of the dark liquid to meet Celestia's eyes.

The two royal sisters were seated at a café booth, Celestia sipping away at an expertly steeped camomille tea and Luna taking hefty slurps of coffee from a mug that might as well have been a porcelain cooking pot with a handle. It truly was a meeting of utmost regality, in a café of only the most pristine calibre for Equestria's princesses.

Or, at least, it truly should have been. Celestia had raved to Luna about Pony Joe's Café for much of the week, and Luna earnestly could not tell why. It was a simple dive, with mediocre coffee, unimpressive decor, and at least thirty new types of donuts that hadn't been around a thousand years ago.

“I daresay you seem nervous, Sister,” Celestia grinned devilishly, pointing at Luna with a scone.

“Nervous?” Luna scoffed, batting Celestia’s obtrusive pastry away. “Of some preppy, perfect little saint?”

“Luna,” Celestia warned. “Don’t make me regret bringing you.”

“You did not such thing,” Luna sniffed. “I accompanied you because I wanted coffee. I am getting coffee. I am then meeting with your niece because I’d prefer to get it over with now. Then, after I assert my dominance, I am leaving.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow.

“‘Assert your dominance?”’

Luna nodded vigorously and opened her mouth to elaborate, but a jingling of bells from in the entranceway stopped the words before they could form. Celestia’s grin only intensified at Luna’s visible tenseness, for sure enough Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was making her way through the shocked patrons of the diner towards the only table that also happened to have the regal princesses of day and night bickering like school-fillies.

“Good morning, Cadance!” Celestia greeted, shuffling a little to make way for her niece at the booth. Cadance greeted her aunt with a smile, which was quick to falter the moment she looked forwards at the pouting blue alicorn before her.

“Cadance, meet my sister Luna,” Celestia interjected before the meeting could stretch into awkward-silence territory. “Princess of the Night.”

“Hello, Princess Luna!” Cadance offered, with a wide and exaggerated smile.

“Yeah, hi.”

Cadance’s smile fell a little.

Celestia cleared her throat.

Luna swiped a scone from Celestia’s plate and viciously tore into it.

“So… ah… Princess of the Night. That’s neat,” Cadance offered. “You raise the moon now?”

Luna’s gaze returned to the pink alicorn, now a fiery glare. Celestia grimaced, nudging her niece, wordlessly exclaiming;

Raise the moon now? Seriously, Cadance?

“I raised the moon when there were entirely different constellations in the sky! I saw empires rise and fall under the night sky I brought forwards!” Luna exclaimed, her dramatic tone muddled by a mouth full of scone. “I stood on the precipice of creation looking across dark unfilled voids of undeveloped space as life crept into existence from beyond the—”

“Luna,” Celestia interjected. “I believe she gets it.”

As with Cadance, Celestia wordlessly added to her remark with an icy glare.

“‘Assert your dominance’ when we’re not in public, please.”

“The moon thing is really more of an extracurricular thing, anyways,” Luna said flippantly. “I also guard the dreamscape of monsters your pretty little self couldn’t possibly stand in the presence of.”

“I...interesting,” Cadance replied shakily.

“Thank you. And what about you? Celestia says you are a very important princess yourself.”

“Ah… well. I’m the… ah… Princess of Love.”

Luna blinked.

Cadance blinked back.

Celestia hid behind the dessert menu.

Then, Luna abruptly shattered the silence with an impolite, snorting laugh. “No, seriously. What do you do?”

“I was being serious,” Cadance sighed.

Silence.

“Princess of Love?”

“Yes. It’s much more impressive than it sounds.”

“Oh, I’m sure it is,” Luna said, winking devilishly. From the depths of the dessert menu Celestia groaned;

“Luna, please stop.”

“Well, Princess of Love, you might be interested to hear of some of my dreams, then, if you are so inclined—”

“Luna, stop!”

“—because trust me, sometimes I wish I had the backup of the Princess of Love venturing into those dreams—”

“Luna for goodness sake, we’re in a public place!”

“What’s the matter, Celestia? Afraid I’m going to enlist Cadance to help you based on your dreams?”

“That’s it!” Celestia shrilled, flinging the menu away and pushing Cadance out of the way as she exited the booth. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Sure, sure,” Luna said, chuckling. Cadance cast a desperate look back in the direction of her fleeing aunt, then at Luna’s devious smile.

She sat back down on shaking hooves.

“So, Princess of Love,” Luna continued. “Indulge me. What do your duties entail?”

“Oh… you know,” Cadance stuttered shakily. “Princess stuff. Waitress!”

Unfortunately for Cadance, the cafe was not exactly bustling with life and the only waitress had her attention directed elsewhere. Ignoring the interruption, Luna pressed on.

“So, are you like a dating expert?”

Cadance slumped back in defeat. “No.”

“Marriage counsellor?”

“No!”

“Well then, what?”

“I… am kind of those things,” Cadance sighed. Then, looking up at Luna’s patronizing grin, a newfound sense of something earnestly not love spiked through her. It was more akin to a sense of frustrated anger.

“I solve love-related problems, all over Equestria. Love magic is my specialty. I doubt there’s a mare in Equestria who knows as much about the subject as me.”

“Especially not some passive-aggresive nocturnal weirdo,” she was tempted to add.

“Love magic?” Luna repeated. “Isn’t that a little unethical?”

In an instant, Cadance’s mask fell.

“Oh, and sneaking through a pony’s subconsciousness is a-okay? Thanks for the tips on ethics, Mistress of the Eternal Night!”

Luna blinked. Cadance realized that she had risen from out of the booth and had violently extended a hoof right into Luna’s face.

Calmly, she crept back into her seat, a violent blush flooding into her expression.

Luna continued to stare. Then, she breathed a long, exaggerated sigh of relief.

“Good. You’re not a preppy little saint.”

“W… what?”

“When Celestia told me about Princess Mi Amore Cadenza… I assumed the worst.”

Cadance shuddered. “Please don’t call me that, Princess Luna.”

“Only if you drop the Princess from my name, too. Point is, I was expecting some smug little bundle of perfection."

"Like Celestia?"

Cadance's remark was met with a sudden snort from Luna. "Yes. I love her sincerely, but sister dearest is intolerable at times. Unlike you. I can see we’re going to get along well, Mistress of Morally Ambiguous Love.”

Cadance responded to Luna's gibe with a polite giggle, and then;

"So... about those Celestia dreams..."

By time Celestia finally worked up the courage to return, she saw with horror that Luna and Cadance seemed to be engaged in some form of vigorous argument, for she could hear raised voices as she approached the table.

She groaned in despair. Would it really have been too much to ask for Cadance and Luna to simply get along? Heavens knew they would need to, considering how many grueling and boring summits or court sessions or other royal nonsense awaited the three of them. How could they expect to survive those if Cadance and Luna could not even stay away from each other's throats over coffee?

With these thoughts pounding in her head, it was with great surprise that she realized that Cadance and Luna were not shouting at all. They were...

Laughing...?

"Celestia!" Luna called the moment she saw her sister. "You are alive. I was getting worried."

"Yes," Celestia said, giving Luna and Cadance a suspicious glare. "Are you two...?"

"We must do this more often, Auntie Celestia," Cadance replied, to feverish nods from Luna.

"Well, good," Celestia smiled. "I'm glad you two found some common ground, after all."

Author's Note

Something silly I did to try and break the monotony of writing endless downer fics.

Hope you enjoy!

Saddle-lite of Love

"Hey Celestia?"

Celestia sighed. "What, Luna."

"This one is good, I promise."

"I have my sincere doubts."

"Why did the restaurant on the moon got out of business?"

"Cadance, please make her stop."

"Don't look at me! You're the one who gave her the damn book!"

Celestia sighed again, bringing a hoof to her snout. There was truly only one way to make the pain end.

"Why did the moon restaurant go out of business, Luna?" she said, gritting her teeth.

"Because it had great food, but no atmosphere!"

"Booooo," Cadance called, to agreeing nods from Celestia.

"Oh, you two just don't get it. You see, the joke is that—"

"Luna, stop it. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a worm..." Celestia reached a hoof to grab the infernal book from Luna, but the moon princess only held it tighter against her chest. "...everyone understands it, but it dies in the process."

"Ah! Very good!" Luna said in a chipper tone, a quill appearing in her magic. "I will add that one! My, I didn't know you had one of these books too, Celestia!"

"What kind of tyrant are you?" Cadance narrowed her eyes at Celestia. "You seriously didn't know this would happen?"

"I thought it was cute!" Celestia protested, flailing her hooves defensively. "101 Jokes About Space! How was I to know it would be the harbinger of darkness and despair?! Besides, you've only had to put up with her for an hour. She's been reading them to me all week."

"Sometimes in her dreams," Luna added, still writing.

"She tortures me," Celestia said, her eyes glazing over. "Day and night. It won't stop. I am frightened for my sanity."

"Hello, Frightened For My Sanity," Luna called. "I am Luna!"

Celestia had a reaction akin to getting stabbed through her heart. Cadance, however, managed to retain her composure enough to speak calmly. A quick glance at Celestia's defeated form was enough to fill her with confidence.

"Luna, I am genuinely curious..."

"Hello, Genu—!"

"Shut up for a second! Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire desires to know... when we are going to get the next full moon."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"Just answer me, Luna!"

"Well, not for awhile. It is waning, presently."

"Luna."

"What?" the moon princess moaned, getting visibly upset by Cadance's cryptic behaviour.

"Luuuuunnna."

"What do you want from me?!"

"Look outside," Cadance pointed a hoof at the sunny skies. "Waning? It isn't even cloudy."

With a mighty scream of "Not you, too!", Celestia dove out of the restaurant booth and fled from the diner entirely.

Author's Note

We're all going to die someday.