Discord's After-Mails

by Lise

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Comedy
Length: 9643

A day has passed since Discord discovered the identity of his secret admirer and started living with her. However, the letters just keep on coming...

The scroll saga is over — Discord has learned the identity of his secret admirer and started living with her. Between this and the sudden wedding of Discord's daughter, however, there are a lot of ponies who wish to make their thoughts known.

A Bonus sequel to Seven Scrolls For Discord

Special thanks to Malefactory for editing.

Published 2016-02-03 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-11 23:40:37 UTC

1. My Dearest Ex-Husband

Discord tiptoed quietly into the kitchen. This was definitely a first for him. Usually he never bothered walking or being discreet. Last night had been different — a nice, long, semi-chaotic cup of tea with a pony he had, for all intents and purposes, just met five hours ago. Quite the unique blend of chaos and harmony, he had to admit. Way different from his tea parties with Fluttershy, and absolutely nothing in common with Celestia's breakfasts. Never before had he met a pony that spoke so much while being quiet.

"Hey, Dad," a voice behind him startled his eyes out of their sockets. "I told you not to overdo it with the scrolls."

Discord grumbled. If anything, he absolutely despised being admonished by Screwball. She reminded him too much of her mother.

"I see she is here." A note of disappointment echoed in Screwball's voice.

"Now look here, young lady!" The draconequus turned around, his paw in the air. "I will not have you—"

"We've settled on a date for the wedding," the chaos pony interrupted, completely ignoring him. "Dash is a hothead, but I convinced her to have it after winter wrap up. Meanwhile, I'll be moving to her place."

"Wha... huh?!" Discord managed to ask. Where did that come from all of a sudden?

"We'll be seeing Mom later today, so try not to cause any chaos after four." She gave him a disapproving glance.

"No chaos after four?!" What am I, a chaos whelp?! His mane burst into purple flames. "If you think you—"

"Oh, and Mom sends you this." Screwball tapped her forehooves together, causing a golden scroll to pop up in front of the draconequus. Instantly the flames faded, as he scrambled to catch it before it hit the floor.

"I'll go get my novel collection." Screwball floated towards the staircase.

"Just great!" Discord grumbled. "I have a mare in the bedroom, my daughter is full of herself again, and Tia's sent me a scroll to let me know her thoughts on the matter." He sighed, unrolling the scroll. "Might as well get this over with."

My Dearest Ex-Husband,

Finally! I never thought I'd see the day! Glad to see you have matured at last, and decided to act like a responsible being for once. It was high time, too! I am overjoyed that all those centuries of playing with dolls have finally come to an end. And no, they are not "action figures", "collectibles", "volunteering participants", or any other random term you constantly keep inventing. Nothing is a greater turn-off than a doll collection, as you should have figured out during the divorce.

Granted, I am a bit surprised that nothing worked out with Fluttershy, but I do approve of your current fiancée. I have known Octavia for over five years and have only the best to say about her. She does have superb taste in music and literature, all the further confusing me how she managed to fall for you. Then again, so did I once, thus love must really be blind. It goes without saying, but if this ends up being another of your absurd schemes to get me jealous, I will be seriously upset! We're finally on good terms again, so let's keep it that way.

I expect Luna has inevitably learned of your engagement by now, but I still recommend you tell her yourself. You know how she can be — poor thing still keeps all your letters hidden on the moon. She thinks I don't know, but it's obvious as day, if you would forgive the pun. She still hasn't gotten over the breakup, even after her disastrous affair with that Sombra colt and her banishment to the moon. Now, I say this with extremely kindness and care — if for a moment you take her back to her unhappy place, our daughter will have me lead her down the aisle instead of you. Make of that what you will.

Now to the bad part. Sending a mass mail categorically was your worst idea yet, my dear. Please tell me, by what twisted logic did you think this would turn out all right? Ignoring your cake comments, your letter has caused quite the mess — the mailing service is overwhelmed with letters, the mayor of Ponyville has started a petition to cast you in stone for "showing inappropriate material to minors", and a group of mares are plotting their revenge on you. Bravo, Discord, bravo indeed! Oh, the press is having a field day as well. When they learn that Octavia is your special somepony — and believe me they will in less than a day — her picture will be all over the newspapers and not in a good way. Of course, I'll use my position as Royal Princess to lend a hoof and keep the situation from exploding, but the poor mare will have a few difficult months. Good thing she seems to be prepared for that.

Twilight Sparkle is another matter I will have to resolve for you. For some reason my faithful student seems to be under the impression that she is the target of your affection. Once again, I say "bravo". Already I've received several reports of her sighing at pictures of you in her library. I hope for your sake this isn't a repeat of the Luna situation. And I certainly hope I don't see her fly off to the badlands only to return with some unsuitable stallion bent on Equestrian domination. If that happens, I'll fix the mess, like I always do, and then you and I will have words.

Congratulations once again, for finding a magnificent fiancée.

All the best,

Tia

"Uh oh." Discord gingerly rolled the scroll up again and swallowed heavily. Celestia approved of his relationship? This couldn't be good. The last time she wholeheartedly approved of something he did was—

The sound of a wardrobe crashing to the floor above made him forget his though. A short while later more noises followed.

"Deliria, will you stop destroying your room?!" Discord shouted glaring angrily at the ceiling. "Daddy really isn't in the mood right now!"

"It's not me, Dad." The dark chaos pony walked into the kitchen with the slow, yet determined step of depression personified. "Sis and her pegasus are playing kissy in her room again.” She climbed on a chair and sighed deeply, as if burdens of the universe itself weighed heavily on her.

"What?!" Discord shouted, tearing off his horns. "Screwball and that element are what?!" Discord stormed out of the kitchen. Hardly had he done so, when he suddenly froze, coming to the realization. "What do you mean 'again'?" He teleported back in front of Deliria.

"I really hope Sis moves out soon." Deliria relaxed her head on the kitchen table.

"How did that rainbow thing even manage to get here?!"

"Dunno." The chaos pony shrugged lifelessly, as the sound of something else crashing above, filled the kitchen. "Sis is into wings now. She's still not used to them much." She explained with the type of monotony one reserves for reading tax forms. "I'm going to the bottom of a lake, or something." She started sliding her hoof along the table back and forth, in the futile attempt to reach the fruit bowl in the centre of the table.

"Oh, for the love of...!" Discord rolled his eyes, then pushed the bowl in front of his daughter.

"Tavia is dreaming of you, by the way." Deliria took a single grape from the bowl and started rolling it disinterested about the table. "I cast a silence spell, so the noise doesn't wake her up. Also, you have mail."

Discord facepawed. He had nothing against some good chaos, but this was crossing the line. Why couldn't Deliria find a nice young mate? She could definitely use one... unlike some other daughters he had! Grumbling, the draconequus went to the door and pulled it open like a curtain.

"Who is crazy enough to deliver mail here at this time of—" he abruptly stopped.

"Hello, Dash and Screwy!" an all too familiar blond cross-eyed mailmare shouted cheerfully. "Congratulations on the engagement! Woo hoo!" Her saddlebag fell off, spilling letters all over the ground.

"Oh." Discord narrowed his eyes. "It's you."

"And congratulations to you too, Mister Discord!" Derpy shoved a second saddlebag of letters into his paw. "Tell me if you need help sending out invitations for your wedding!" She smiled widely, then flew off into the chaos.

Discord swallowed. One full saddlebag of letters in his paw, another on the ground... maybe sending a mass reply to the whole of Ponyville wasn't the best of ideas.

2. Yo, Discord!

Disorganizing letters was one of Discord's least favourite activities, yet someone had to do it. It was enraging how annoyingly organized ponies were. Originally, the letters had been divided into three groups — personal, spam, and confirmations for attending Rainbow Dash and Screwball's wedding. The latter composed almost the full extent of the mail. The draconequus still wasn't sure whether he should be relieved or alarmed.

"Hey, Dad." Screwball floated into the living room. She was followed by a stack of books and, much to Discord's dismay, Rainbow Dash. "I gathered most my stuff, so we'll be leaving shortly."

"Hello, sweetie," Discord said in a specific tone of voice that clearly showed he was attempting to hide his disapproval. "Rainbow Dash," he said coldly, not bothering to look up.

"Discord." The pegasus narrowed her eyes, responding in turn.

"Nice! Nearly everypony is coming." Screwball glanced at the letters, completely oblivious. "And, Dad, please don't start with mail so early in the morning. Didn't you have a bit too much last night?"

Discord was just about to respond with a comeback of his own when the sound of hooves interrupted him. Usually, he wouldn't worry about such details. However, today was different — only Deliria preferred walking in this house, and she had already left...

"Discord," a soaking wet Octavia came into the living room, "I cannot, for the life of me, understand how your bathroom functions. A few suggestions would—" Seeing what she had walked into, the earth pony stopped. "Oh, dear," she added quietly.

"Octavia." Screwball nodded, neutrally.

"Screwball." The musician pursed her lips. "Rainbow."

"Octy." Rainbow Dash arched a brow, surprised. "Discord?" She looked at the draconequus, silently asking Are you two a pair?

"Rainbow Dash," he grumbled, indicating this was none of her business.

"Dad!?" Screwball said accusingly, meaning Please tell me you two didn't.

"Discord?" Octavia looked him in her Haven't you told her about us? fashion.

"Screws?" Rainbow Dash turned towards the chaos pony in disbelief, asking Are Octy and your dad together?

Meanwhile, Discord grabbed the first letter addressed to him and started reading.

Yo, Discord!

What can I say? You got me. Yep, all's true. Damn, I never thought you'd notice! I wub you all the way! That one time with the bass cannon — total accident! Those other ten times — I just wub you so much I want you to feel my vibe. Seriously, was just that. I didn't want to hurt you much or anything. Besides, what are a few bruises between lovers, right? I bet you've been through more with Tia and Luna. Talking about Tia — daymn! How'd you end up with such a hottie? That mane, those wings, you gotta tell me how you got such a sweet deal. And Luna too? Some creatures have all the luck. You know

Octy told me. She told me everything. Damn it, Discord, you really have all the luck! Have you any idea how long I've been working on getting her to join my team? Ages! Last week I really thought we started sharing something, then you snatch her from me just like that. I miss her already. I know we'll still see each other as friends and at gigs and all, but it won't be the same. Life is just like music — all fun until somepony drops the bass. Still, is all good.

So, how about you hitch me with that sweet Deliria? She's goth, I like goths. It'll be perfect! She's everything a DJ could dream for — wicked mane, cool lines, digs music, is awake all night. Bonus — Luna's her mom! How cool is that? Now, I know what you gonna say. Admit it, you think I'm no good. Well, I party hard, but I work harder. You know how many gigs I have? Tons of gigs! I can get her a ten percent discount in every club, in some even twenty! Plus all backstage passes you can think of. (I know a mare that knows a mare.) All you gotta do is just say "wow that DJ Pon3 is really single and something" when she's near. Just don't make it too obvious. Do that and I'll get you copies of the best techno albums for free. Sweet deal, right?

Oh, don't worry about Ria being into stallions. Just let her spend a few months with me and I'll change her mind. And don't tell her I can speak. She thinks I'm mute and finds that cool. Bet she's gonna be surprised when she learns I do the vocals in my albums. Hold it! I got an idea! She could make a real cool goth band! Her look is perfect, her voice is perfect, and that depressed expression she has... pone, the crowd will eat her up! Even her name — Deliria! Bestest band name ever! And if she can get Luna to join in on electric guitar, that's gonna bring the roof down! Luna's more into death metal, but her cords are cool, and they can so work with Ria's voice.

Tell you what, just get her to sign to work with me and we gonna take it from there. I'll be her manager-mentor-friend, then maybe more. Oh, and don't let Lyra get her greedy little hooves on her! That mare is trouble! In the good way, but still trouble!

Really glad we understand each other, drake! You're the hay, dude! It'll be so fun working with Ria! I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner! I know somepony who's good at all that business contracting stuff, so he'll get back to you with the details. Oh, and don't worry about groupies. Sure they'll be lots of those, but I'll keep Ria safe. All'll be cool! No worries!

Gotta hit the clubs. Super rave tonight!

Say congrats to Octy for me.

DJ pon3

P.S. Don't tell her I told you, but Octy's really ticklish. So you better get some feathers!

"Dad!" A loud shout made Discord look up. "You didn't hear a thing we said, did you?"

"That's not true!" Discord lied, innocently making a plane out of the letter. His mind was still busy imagining Deliria having her own goth band. That didn't seem too far fetched. Picturing Luna playing guitar, however, made him shiver. "I've heard every word that has been said in existence, and—"

"Dad, shut up!" Screwball snapped at him. "I've had it with you and your letter addiction!"

"Now listen here!" Discord made an attempt to stand up, but an invisible force thrust him back down onto the couch.

"Stay!" Screwball said firmly. "Octavia and I will have a talk."

"Screws," Rainbow Dash began tentatively, "maybe we should just—"

"Dash, sit on the couch!" Screwball ordered. The pegasus instantly obeyed, landing next to Discord faster than the blink of an eye. "Let's go, Octavia," the chaos pony added, far softer than before. "I'll get something so you could dry your mane."

"Thank you, that would be most appreciated," the earth pony said and followed Screwball out of the room.

For nearly a minute Discord and Rainbow Dash remained sitting motionless next to each other, eyes wide with confusion.

"So, you and Octy, huh?" Rainbow Dash asked, still staring forward.

"Yep." Discord replied, not moving an inch of his body. "You and Screwball really getting married?"

"Aha."

Another ten seconds of silence followed.

"Want to read some letters?" Discord offered, throwing the paper plane he had made of Vinyl's letter.

"Sure."

3. Dear Discord, I am so proud!

"How about this one?" Rainbow Dash pointed at an ivory-coloured envelope.

"The writing’s too neat." Discord barely gave it a glance.

The two had been trying to find a suitable letter to read for the last ten minutes. What Discord found promising, Dash saw as lame. What Rainbow Dash found intriguing, Discord considered lacking chaos. So far they had gone through half the pile and were no closer to reaching a compromise.

"What about..." Rainbow Dash took a large white envelope. Seeing the word YEAH written in large block letters, she quickly put it away. "Hay, this is lame!" She crossed her forelegs, annoyed. "We'll never find anything to read!"

"Well, if somepony had an ounce of good taste and stopped rejecting letters based on envelope colour and thickness, we might have read a few letters already!" the draconequus grumbled, throwing another three invitation responses out of the window.

"Oh, yeah?" Rainbow rose to the level of his eyes. "Well, if someone wasn't choosing only lame letters, we could have finished them all by now!"

"Oh, is that so?" Discord growled. "If you weren't marrying Screwball, I would tie your wings in a bow and throw you in an gerbil farm!"

"Well, if you weren't Screw's dad, I would—"

"You know what? This was a bad idea!" Discord grabbed another stack of letters. "We can't stand each other, you have appalling taste, we will never see eye to eye!" Several dozen eyes appeared all over Discord's body, glaring at the pegasus. "It would take Fluttershy to get us to agree on anythi..." his voice trailed off.

Both of them looked at each other, coming to the instant realization, then rushed back into the piles of letters. Envelopes started flying about the room like confetti, until a single victorious yell ended it all.

"Found it!" Rainbow Dash shouted, waving an elegant yellow letter in front of Discord's face. The smugness with which she did so was enough to cause the walls around them to crack.

"Oh joy," Discord deadpanned. He strongly would have preferred to be the one to find the letter, and not that smug egocentric misunderstanding of a pegasus. Still, now they could finally start reading something.

Dear Discord,

I am so proud! You really deserve to find somepony to love, and I think Octavia is just the one to make you happy. I, and all the animals here, are so very happy for you. We even have composed the perfect song for your wedding. Birds from all over Equestria will be there to sing the most beautiful melody for my very best friends. Angel Bunny is still a bit grumpy because Rainbow Dash trimmed his tail too short, but I am sure that in his heart he is happy for you as well.

Ever since the Grand Galloping Galla I've been so worried about you. The way you reacted when I invited Tree Hugger, I feared you might have developed something of a crush on me. Yes, it is true that I gave you a chance when the girls wouldn't, but I never felt for you in any other way than a dear friend that had lost his way. Now that you and Octavia are together I am so relieved. You see, there is somepony else that sets my heart aflutter, although I haven't told her yet. I'm not sure I will. Oh how I wish I could be brave like Rainbow Dash or Octavia. They both just said what was on their hearts and they are already getting married.

Um, please tell Screwball I'm sorry. I know how much she and Rainbow Dash wanted me to be your wife, but it would have never worked. I will still be their best mare, if they will have me. I'm not particularly sure if it's okay to have both partners have the same, but they both asked me and I couldn't refuse! This really is confusing. Actually, I think I'll bring Angel along and he could be best bunny as well. Screwball really enjoys playing with him, and I am sure that deep in his heart, Angel enjoys it as well.

Have you thought of having a pet? I know what Octavia would like. We have talked a lot about it in the last few months, mostly while she was asking questions about you. Actually, that is how we became friends — she came to my cottage one day, told me she had feelings for you and then started asking me all those questions. Sadly, I fear Screwball might not like her much. They hardly talk when they are together, even if Deliria is around. I honestly hope the two of them get along.

I guess I should also ask what Screwball wants for a pet. Could you please ask her for me? So far, each time we try to talk about it, Screwball seems to lose focus and starts talking about something else. Also, please tell Octavia that for the first three months she'll have to feed Blinky twice per day, not more.

Discord, I'm really sorry for asking you this, but do you think you could maybe help me with getting together with my special somepony? I tried telling her many times, but the words refuse to come out of my mouth. Even when I try to write to her, my wings freeze and my hooves start shaking. What if she thinks I'm not good enough for her? Or if she already has a special somepony? I am so scared! Please tell me what to do!

Your dear friend,

Fluttershy

P.S. Please don't tell Twilight the way I feel about her. Please? I'm too afraid to think what might happen.

"Whoa." Rainbow Dash managed to say, her eyes still looking in the direction of the last paragraph, even after Discord had folded the letter and put it aside.

Amateur, the draconequus snorted arrogantly. You wouldn't make it through three letters, let alone more!

"Is all the stuff you get like this?" the pegasus could hardly move, her wings twitching ever so slightly.

"Mostly," Discord replied as casually as possible, polishing his claws in his chest. "Some are better. Want to have a go at another?"

Mouth wide open, Rainbow Dash just nodded. This is perfect! Discord thought. Now not only was he going to enjoy another letter or ten, but he was also going to reduce Rainbow's mind to mush in the process! He couldn't have asked for a better outcome! All he had to do was—

"I very much appreciate the talk, Screwball," Octavia's voice approached from the staircase. "And I am quite confident that we have come to an understanding."

"Have fun with dad," the chaos pony said, floating beside her, as the two entered the living room. "Come on, Dash, we're leaving."

"Aww, Screws." The pegasus looked at her with the disappointment of a hurt kitten. "Can we stay for just one more letter? They are real—"

"Dad!" Screwball glared at her father. "Did you let Dash read a letter? Things are bad as they are without you having to teach her your bad habits!"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Discord replied innocently, a halo appearing over his head. "I was just reading a letter from my dear friend Fluttershy. I had no idea that your pegasus had a letter addiction, and now that I know I shall not stand for such a lowlife to marry my eldest daught—"

"And don't forget to buy food for Blinky." Screwball added, grabbing Rainbow Dash by the wing and pulling her towards the window. "See you, Octavia."

"Goodbye, Screwball." The earth pony waved. Behind her, Discord started blinking morse code.

Food for Blinky? What in Tartarus is a Blinky?

4. Dear Madam / Sir

Silence and harmonious music. The music wasn't irritating, the silence was tremendously so. Three hours and Octavia had barely said five words. The problem lied in the fact that Discord could hear the disapproval in her silence — disapproval of his letter habit. He had tried to explain in length, to assure her that this wasn't new, to insist that as a creature of chaos and disharmony it was his nature to enjoy the labour of chaos. Octavia had merely smiled, pecked him gently on the cheek, and said she had to practice for an evening performance.

"What did I get myself into again," Discord sighed. "I should know better. I'm supposed to be the embodiment of chaos! Yet for some reason Octavia agrees with me!"

"Did you call me, Discord?" Octavia's voice came from the room above, along with a rather complicated cello melody.

"No, dear," the draconequus shouted back. "I was just complaining about you out loud."

"That's wonderful. I'll be done practicing in half an hour, so you won't have to suffer my mistakes for much longer."

Suffer her mistakes she says. Two hours and five measly mistakes! Just as bad as Fluttershy's singing! No misplays, no tempo problems… How could a chaos creature live through a performance such as this?! Of course, Discord wouldn't dream of asking either of them to stop. Listening to fine melodious music was one of his guilty pleasures, as much as he tried to deny it.

A series of urgent knocks sounded on the door, along with a muffled "Delivery".

"Another delivery?" Discord growled clawing on the table. "What is this? Mail central? Well, what the heck?" He got up and went to the door. It wasn't like he had anything else to do today.

"Okay," he rolled the door up, "let's have it."

A large, two by two meter wooden crate was expecting him, along with Rainbow Dash in a mailmare's uniform.

Great. My least favourite pony.

"What exactly is that?" Discord narrowed his eyes. "And why are you in that ridiculous outfit? LARPing is on Sundays, cosplay — every second Tuesday."

"Hey I'm just delivering this!" Rainbow Dash shouted right to his face. "Not my fault Derpy started working on wedding invitation designs for your wedding!"

"Derpy?" Discord blinked. "The annoyingly cheerful, cross-eyed mare that constantly causes a mess, often with disastrous circumstances? She is handling my wedding invitations?"

"Yep. Deliria went to see her about it."

"Finally a glimmer of chaos." Discord smiled. "This is going to be amusing!"

"Cool." Rainbow's expression softened. Glancing around she then hovered next to the draconequus. "So, do you have any more...?" She whispered conspiratorially.

"If you are talking about the letters," a business suit materialized over Discord, giving him the appearance of a respectable business owner, "I no longer partake in such disgusting habits. Plus, Octavia took the letters to her room."

Rainbow Dash's ears flopped down. The glum look on her face could rival the one during Tank’s first hibernation.

"However!" Discord reached into the inner pocket of his vest and took out a single ivory letter. "Care for a quick read!"

"Sneaky." Rainbow Dash grinned. “Let’s go!”

Dear Madam / Sir,

I am writing to you to express my utmost indignation regarding the despicable display you have subjected the town of Ponyville to! While aware of your chaotic nature by design, this is no excuse for you to ruin impressionable young minds! Having to suffer through your second and third reigns of chaos was quite enough! It shames me that her Majesty, our Sovereign of the Sun, Princess Celestia has, at some point in time, been your wife.

Face it! You, Madam / Sir, are a burden and a menace to society — a freeloader that disrupts the very foundations of Kingdom economics, as well as biology, physics, geography and every other science known to ponydom! If it were up to me, I would have you sent to boarding school for eternity! Alas, that decision is not mine to make yet, so I will limit my reactions to this letter.

Clearly, you have no idea what it means to strive for a meaningful career! Present day reality is difficult as it is without you having to revert ponies to their idiotic state and disrupt businesses. Even without your antics, I am forced to behave like an idiot and pretend I find their simplistic jokes amusing. Sending doll-raining clouds hasn't helped your case a bit, causing every colt and filly within the city to engage in urban warfare with the sole purpose of obtaining the cheap knockoffs you produced!

You claim to be a family mare / stallion, but from what I understand you have been an utter catastrophe in that regard! You yourself admit to being divorced twice, as well as leaving your daughters to fend for themselves in this cold harsh world! Furthermore, there is the question of your extramarital activities! I, for one, find it most peculiar that Pinkie Pie is so different from her sisters in every possible aspect. And let us not forget her ability to bend the laws of physics freely, quite like someone else we know. The only saving grace of your existence is that your daughters turned out to be such outstanding equines, despite your highly negative influence! Screwball, in particular, along with her vast knowledge on chaos principles has proved invaluable for creating better business modules capable of shaping the future. We have already spoken about me offering her a position in my family's company, since it's clear that neither you, nor her marriage partner are capable of any financial support.

At this point, I speculate that foals are likely to become a reality within the next ten months, at most. As you are probably not aware, that would involve a large amount of additional expenses and time dedication. From what I was able to ascertain, Screwball will be moving into Rainbow Dash's home. That it a wise choice, since it's large, well kept and perfectly suitable for a family, unlike the chaos pit you raised her in! Again, and I cannot stress this enough, I am truly ashamed that you are related to such an outstanding equine!

Fortunately, I have already discussed the matter of servants in the brief conversation I had with your daughter. We are both busy ponies, so I will be sending her a draft proposal detailing potential maids and child development programs for her to consider. I will be sending you the bill! If you are the responsible parent you claim to be, you should gladly jump at the opportunity to cover all and any costs at the earliest!

Additionally, I would like to offer my service as godmother to Screwball's foals, when the moment comes. Undoubtedly there will be a lot of competition, so I would like her to be made aware of my intent at the earliest, so that I have an edge over everypony else.

With that, I wish you a good day!

Respectfully,

Silver Spoon

"Silver Spoon?!" Discord shouted annoyed. "Why that wretched little snob! I'll show her! Just who does she think she is?! Calling me irresponsible! Why, next time I pass through Ponyville, I'll...!" Steam came out of his ears. "Can you believe this?" He turned to Rainbow Dash. "And she has the nerve to ask being a godmother! As if that would ever happen!"

Rainbow Dash didn't say a word. Instead, a slight shade of purple had appeared all over her face.

"Dash," Discord said slowly, the classical coldly-furious-father expression on his face. "Is there something I should be aware of?"

"Gee, look at the time." The Pegasus fluttered backwards guiltily, sweating like crazy. "I think Screws is calling me. See ya!" She dashed into the chaos sky, causing a sonic rainboom in the process.

"I take my eye off Screwball for one moment and this is what happens!" The draconequus complained to the large wooden crate next to him. "Have you ever had one of those days?"

A loud roar replied affirmatively.

5. Dear Admirer 4-9-19-3-15-18-4

"Back in a few hours, she said," Discord grumbled. "Needs to return a favour, she said. Meanwhile I'm stuck with a huge albino lion that could have its ass handed to it by Fluttershy's bunny!"

In front of him, lying peacefully on the floor, the huge animal purred. When Discord had initially opened the crate, he had been so hopeful. Finally a creature that would wreck the house properly and not in the depressing orderly way Deliria did! he had thought. Alas, he had forgotten who had chosen said pet.

Blinky was, in reality, nothing but a disgustingly cute kitten in the body of a one ton beast. It stood to reason that Octavia would like it, but as far as Discord was concerned it was a waste of space.

"Can't you at least roar a bit?" He shoved it with his leg. Blinky obliged, then went back to purring. "It even listens to what I say," the draconequus ground his teeth. If only Octavia didn't like you so much!

The house had gotten quite empty all of a sudden — no Screwball, no Deliria, no Octavia... just a misunderstanding of nature acting as a carpet. On the plus side, that meant no one was here to complain that—

"Discord!" A yell filled the room, along with a flash of purple light! "How could you! I knew it was a trick all along! To think you would go to such length for a laugh! And to think I believed you!"

"Hello to you too, Princess Sparkle." Of course she would arrive at the worst possible time. And furious at that. So much steam was coming from her nostrils that she could challenge a locomotive to a steam-making contest and win. "What can I help you with today?"

"Help? Help? Help?!" Twilight shouted. "I was preparing to break the news to my friends about our relationship when they beat me to it! You lied when you said you loved me! Not only that, but then I learn that you are already engaged to Octavia, of all ponies, from an invitation to your wedding" She paused to take a breath. "Now, I'm a reasonable pony, but—"

"Fine." Discord snapped his fingers, annoyed. An apple appeared in Twilight's mouth. "Read this." The draconequus shoved a letter in her hooves, before she could spit the apple out. "Start from the bottom paragraph."

For a moment Twilight seemed she would explode with rage. A split second later all that anger had gone. Her face quickly turned bright pink as she focused on the letter, completely ignoring the apple in her mouth.

"Good riddance." Discord frowned, then snapped his fingers again. An elegant blue envelope appeared in front of him. Opening it, he started reading.

Dear Admirer 4-9-19-3-15-18-4,

You are quite fortunate to receive a reply from the Great and Powerful Trixie herself. Usually, Trixie doesn't resort to responding to fan-mail, but due to your extreme interest and dedication, Trixie has graciously accepted to do so.

Trixie must admit she was unaware of you having daughters. The matter never came up during her conversation with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. You are no doubt aware that Trixie is in close business relation with the Princesses and is consulted on a daily basis regarding important Equestrian matters. (Trixie could tell you details, but then Trixie will have to cast you in stone for fifty years.)

Trixie would also like to inform you that you are deeply mistaken. Trixie has not been at the Gala. And if you are to claim otherwise, you are most mistaken. Trixie is, however, familiar with the chaos you did during the event, and commends you for it. Your stage debut was quite poor, but Trixie understands your intentions. With enough practice you might be able to reach Trixie's level in a few hundred years. The important thing is to not stop practicing.

As much as it would break your heart, Trixie would have to decline being your love interest. Although Trixie is used to being the target of adoration, she has high standards, and you, unfortunately, are far from them. Trixie has already rejected advances made from Prince Blueblood as well as a host of other dignitaries, and would like to make it clear that at this point in time she must focus on her career. It might also be of some concern that Trixie's ancestor is Starswirl, who, as far as Trixie is aware, sent you to other dimensions several times in the past. Trixie would also like to ask that you tell Screwball and Deliria to stop asking Trixie to send them to other worlds! There is no way for Trixie to do that without Princess Celestia's mirror, to which Trixie has no access! Trixie would especially like to ask you to remind Deliria that dream bribes will not work! Especially since Trixie is not involved in any dream-weaving under the tutelage of Princess Luna.

However, in her benevolence Trixie will not send a portable media player and 128 GB of songs to Deliria. Also, Trixie will not remind that the warranty must be kept as is! Furthermore, Trixie will not share photos of her, Screwball, Deliria and Rainbow Dash at the karaoke club. And Trixie would definitely not remind all ponies concerned that they are fully grown mares, and should they wish to visit other clubs, that is perfectly all right and permission from you is not required! (On that note, Trixie would like to randomly extend an invitation to Octavia, whom she barely knows, not to have her bachelorette party in a specific dimension Trixie has chosen, especially since Trixie has no way of taking her there.)

Trixie would also like to potentially congratulate you on your beautiful foal and stallion, if she could. Trixie has absolutely no idea how charming, refined and outright gorgeous your son would turn out to be (since Trixie never learned to user her ancestor's time spells). Rest assured, Trixie has no intention of dating, proposing and marrying Resonance, especially since she hasn't gotten Octavia's blessing. Trixie also promises to do nothing wild while with your son.

Ultimately, Trixie has no idea what she is writing about and graciously invites you to burn this letter once you read it and swallow the ashes.

Thank you for your attention, Admirer 4-9-19-3-15-18-4.

Your mail and opinions are important to Trixie.

The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon

P.S. Princess Luna will not confirm what has been written in this letter.

"Ha!" Discord shouted. "As if I'll fall for that! Dimensional rifts, time travel, secret missions! Utter nonsense!"

Beside him, Twilight kept re-reading the letter he had given her, face still red, wings up and twitching. Meanwhile, Blinky stretched on the floor, yawning loudly.

"Some support you two are!" The draconequus frowned.

"Mmm, Dad." Deliria walked in, heading towards the staircase. "Nice that step-mom got that pet."

"It's not our pet!" Discord shouted furious. "It's only here for a while! And Octavia isn't your step-mom!"

"Whatever, Dad," the chaos pony sighed deeply. "What's with Twi?"

"Oh, she's stuck in a reading-loop." Discord waved a paw totally disinterested. "The important thing is—" He stopped. There was something attached to Deliria's ear, a sophisticated electronic device to be precise. "Is that a media player you have? Mind telling me where you got it from?"

"Nowhere." Deliria slowly made her way up the stairs.

Discord waited for a few seconds more, then set the letter he had been reading on fire. After some slight hesitation, he then did the same to the letter Twilight was holding.

7. My Sweet Dissy

Discord didn't feel at all well. Having Luna kick in the door and catch him having dinner with a bunch of ponies, including Octavia, whom he had neglected to mention, wasn't the among the best of circumstances. The matters deteriorated quickly, with Deliria saying that "step-mom Octavia is cool" and got her a pet.

"We can go elsewhere," Discord offered, opening a tear to another dimension.

"Here would be fine." Luna said. She was no longer shouting. "Is this my daughter's room?" She slid her hoof along a giant poster of the moon. "It's tidy."

"Annoyingly so," Discord said under his breath. "Every four weeks, or when she's upset, she destroys it completely and leaves me to rebuild it."

"Maybe I should have spent more time with her," the Princess sighed.

"Look, I know a lot has happened the last few days, but—" Discord began, but was quickly stopped by Luna raising a hoof in the air. Her horn glowed, causing a silver scroll to flash into existence.

"Here." Luna levitated the scroll towards him. "I think it's easier this way."

Great... Discord tried to keep a smile on his face. He was definitely in trouble now. The last, and only, time Luna had sent him something in writing was to announce she would be joining her sister in "kicking his butt to the moon and back" unless he stopped with his chaos nonsense. Hesitantly, he unrolled the scroll.

My Sweet Dissy,

I am moving on. We had our moments, didn't we? A fine few decades together, a lovely daughter, and love. Even back then, I knew you were only doing it to make Tia jealous. At first I decided to play along. How foolish I was to think I could beat you at your own game. After the fourteenth letter I actually believed I might stand a chance, that maybe there was something I could beat Sis at. Your separation hadn't gone well, and I was the only one in speaking terms with both of you. To be honest, I never expected you would propose. Naturally, I knew you were a horrible influence. Maybe you don't know, but I used to secretly hang out with Chrysalis during my early rebel phase. She told me all about you. We both had a thing for bad colts back then.

You broke my heart when you left me, you know. I had seen how things went down with Tia, so I thought I was prepared. Typically, you managed to surprise me. A sticky note on the bed. No fights, no yelling, no sarcasm, just a damned sticky note informing me we are divorced! I could hardly believe it. For months I thought it was one of your pranks. The whole reason I hooked up with Sombra was my desperate attempt to get you jealous. Even then I was hoping you'd appear from somewhere and declare your neverending love. Well, it didn't happen, and I just ended messing up that stallion as well.

Think of me what you will, I tried to be there for both you and Deliria. I often took her to work with me, showed her how I fix dreams. She so enjoyed it when she was a filly. Then one thing led to another until I finally lost it. I was so envious of Tia, not only because the ponies loved her more — that I could live with — I was upset that you still loved her. Yes, I noticed all the times you secretly glanced at her, even as a statue. Our last fight was to make you mine again, and you know how that turned out.

Octavia is quite a good choice for a mate, actually. I tried to hate her ever since Deliria mentioned her. I really, really tried, but I just couldn't. There's something special about that one. She's not as flashy or strong or noticeable as many others, but there's something inherently likable about her. Her music calms me, and I know Sis loves it. Usually, Tia is bored to death with all that classical stuff, yet after the Gala fiasco she personally reassured Octavia that it wasn't her fault. Also, that musician adores you (I have looked into her dreams). Deliria seems to have accepted her as well, which is nice. Screwball has some issues, but I wouldn't worry too much. Screwball didn't like me when I became your wife either.

Strangely enough, I received a letter from a music producer this morning. Seems like one of my favourite DJs wants to help Deliria start a music career. Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea and have agreed in the name of both of us. Deliria needs to spend more time with other ponies. Trust me, I know what it's like being a shut in, and it isn't good. Having her perform, even in front of a small audience, would work wonders. I have also considered doing a few heavy metal covers myself. Not sure if I'm ready for original stuff yet, but time will tell.

I also am very proud of Resonance. He really has grown to be quite the stallion. No mystery why my protege fell for him. For a while I didn't think that mare couldn't love anypony other than herself. Now, I know you could be overprotective when it comes to your children, but Trixie really is more than suitable. There is much more than meets the eye with that one, and I'm not talking about her lineage. Once we find a way to break her third person curse, you'll hardly recognize her. She has also showed me a few snapshots of your grandfoals, but I prefer to let you find out on your own.

On another note, Screwball seems to have finally forgiven me for "trying to replace Celestia". Before you say anything, that's exactly what I did and in the very literal sense. Shows how foolish I was. "Nightmare Moon"... I still cringe upon hearing that name. What was I thinking coming up with something so edgy? Screwball certainly has no intention of letting me forget about it, and lately nor does her future wife. Those two could really be the hoofful at times. Good thing you named Deliria. If we had gone with "Shadow's Embrace," as I insisted, she would have disowned me long ago. Talking about our daughter, I should try to talk to her more. We've been keeping a dream correspondence for the last few months, yet face to face communication is still difficult.

There is just one thing I'd like to ask of you. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, even before your release. I am ashamed of myself and what I've done to others and especially to you. If I had put in enough effort we could have been a wonderful family. Now I can only ask for your forgiveness and pass the torch to Octavia. May she do a better job where I failed.

Sorry for everything, Dissy. Please forgive me.

Lulu

"Forgive you?" Discord asked in shock. "You are asking me to forgive you?"

This was the first time this had ever happened since the creation of time. This was the first time anyone had asked for his forgiveness. It had always been the other way around. The current situation had caught the draconequus totally unprepared. How does one even go about doing this?

"I, err..." He began, his voice soon trailing off. Damn this is difficult! "Tell you what. How about a compromise? We forgive each other? It would be better that way."

Slowly, Luna nodded. "Well, I better get going. It's night already and—"

"Why don't you stay?" Discord rolled up the scroll. "I can easily make another chair or ten. The way it's going I might soon need them," he grumbled. "Little wonder if Trixie and Vinyl Scratch happened to 'pass by' at one point or another. And knowing Twilight, she's just itching to teleport Fluttershy in... if she hasn't already. Really, those ponies could be more chaosy than me at times! If it wasn't for—" Discord stopped. Across him, Luna was laughing.

Isn't that a sight for sore eyes? he thought.

"Do you want to sit next to me? Or between Deliria and Octavia?" Discord asked, leading Luna out of the room. "Or I could arrange for both? Nothing makes dinner more interesting than some good tesseract fun."

Meanwhile, in the dining room below, a breadbasket exploded covering everypony in crumbs.

6. Ok, Discord! You got me!

Discord continued to play with his lighter. Meanwhile, dishes, candles and other pieces of cutlery continued running all over the table. A single innocent letter! That's how it had all started — a nice distraction to keep him engaged for a while. Now, a few days later, he had a pet, a fiancée, his elder daughter was marrying an Element of Harmony, his second was being wooed by some crazy DJ who wanted her to enter the music scene, a descendant of Starswirl was dating his future son via time-travel, not to mention he had been talked down to by a school filly... and there seemed to be a group of mares out for his hide. The irony of it all was that the chain of events was as chaotic as one could wish for. Pity he could find it in himself to fully enjoy it.

The greatest problem, surprisingly, lied elsewhere. Discord had lived through complicated marriages before. There was one thing, however, that he could not tolerate.

"Apologies for my tardiness."Octavia entered the living-room. "I was detained for longer than expected. I'll be with you in a mo—" she blinked several times, "—ment. Discord, since when do you have a dining room?"

"Thirty-one minutes, now." The draconequus checked the watch that appeared on his paw. "I wouldn't have had to make one, if it weren't for the alarming number of uninvited guests!"

There was no denying it. The room which hadn't existed an hour ago had quite the number of occupants. Deliria slumping over the table, as usual. Rainbow Dash — who had most annoyingly chosen to sit next to the draconequus — was engaging in fierce battle with a bread basket. Screwball floated obliviously across her future wife, tossing treats to the albino lion on the floor. And, naturally, there was Twilight Sparkle, who was still in a state of trance — face flushed, eyes wide as saucers, wings twitching.

"Fluttershy has... Fluttershy has..." The Princess kept repeating in loop. Apparently burning Fluttershy's letter had little effect on her state of mind.

"How was your day, dear?" Discord extended a smile.

"Interesting, to say the least." The musician put her cello case against the living-room wall. "I was at Spike and Rarity's dinner date. There was a lot of crying, shouting, Rarity throwing things at me. Everything considered, I think it went well, especially towards the end. Rarity specifically asked me to remind you she despises you and she will be making all dresses for both weddings. She expects you to be at her boutique tomorrow at ten o’clock. Sharp."

"Joy," Discord said flatly.

"And how were things on your end?" Octavia took her seat. On cue, the tableware in front of her obediently froze still.

"Oh, no problems at all," Discord said in the most fake voice possible. "Just one long, boring day. You know how it is."

"You are a dear." Octavia smiled, nearly causing the draconequus to choke.

Damn it, mare! You are not supposed to be so supportive of me! You really are the worst best thing that has happened to me this millennium!

"And as a reward," the musician took out a small black envelope, "you could have this before dinner. Just one, mind. Screwball has had words with me about your issue."

"Oh, really?" Discord glared at his daughter. "How thoughtful of you, sweetie," he grumbled, while fetching the letter.

Just who did they think he was? Some pet they could feed scraps? Still, a letter was a letter. The draconequus tore it up and was about to start reading, when Rainbow Dash's head moved between him and the letter's contents.

"Do you mind?" He pulled the note away. Rainbow Dash grinned innocently and returned to her seat. "Honestly, some ponies have no manners!"

Ok, Discord!

You got me! You really don't have to be petty about it. So what if I've been here and there, under one or other guise? It has nothing to do with you. We split up, remember? We could have had something, but nooo, you had to be with your perfect little doll! Tell me again, how exactly did that work out? Turned to stone, and put in the garden as the trophy husband you are? I must admit Tia had style doing that, but to run off with her after we had been having so much fun together? Guess you never were one of taste. Little Luna, though, that I can understand. Pity she isn't a stallion.

It's laughable how sloppy you've become since your last restoration. Honestly, I have been living as five different ponies in Ponyville even before that unfortunate Canterlot wedding, and you never once spotted me! If it wasn't for your desperate mass mail, you would have never guessed. Typical of you to stoop so low. So you thought hinting I was your ex and boasting that you had daughters would make me lose my nerve? Well, if it's any of your business, I have a husband and three fine daughters as well! That's right — three! And that's even without counting the several thousand hatchlings of my hive! Jelly? Hmm?

I don't know what you are expecting to achieve with your mail, but you better stop! While my husband knows what I am, I might have omitted certain minor details... like the fact that I'm a queen, for example. For both our sakes, I think it would be best for both of us if things remain as they are. Living the simple life turned out to be better than expected. All that fighting and plotting was really getting to me. With the amount of food stored from our last raid my changelings can last for centuries. Besides, let them figure out how to run the hive for once!

Also, I have a grandson! Beat you to that as well! Anything to say? Sure, you can play your little games, pretend you own the world, but we both know you'll get caught by some new little thing, just like last time. Oh, and that doll of yours is rubbish! She couldn't even see through my disguise. Not that I'm mad or anything. You never could handle the best.

Since I'm writing to you anyway, you better stop scaring my girls! They are a bit different from me. (I blame my husband!). For some reason all three seem obsessed with flowers. And if you dare laugh, I'll tie you up in knots, and not in the good way! Every time something happens in Ponyville, they tend to take it a bit too much to heart and faint. I am aware that's an excellent method of gaining sympathy, but it's outright shameful! True, it keeps them well fed and all, and that Doctor is an interesting son-in-law, but fainting? Sometimes I think they are as bad as Rarity!

So, there you have it. I hope you are pleased with yourself! One word about my existence, though, I'll flood all of Equestria with the letters you sent me while we were a couple. Yes, those letters! Sketches included! After that I doubt there will be a pony, griffin or zebra alive that will take you! Who knows, maybe even your lovely doll might turn you back to stone again? And don't get any ideas! I have copies at my home, Town Hall, and three dozen other places, in case you try to pull a fast one on me!

That said, take care of yourself and stay in touch, discreetly.

Chrissy

P.S. Promise me you'll invite me and my kids to any future weddings you and yours might have, and you have my word I'll put an end to the petition I started. I might even consider using my authority as Mayor to make you an honorary citizen of Ponyville.

Discord felt shivers all over his body. Of all places, why did Chrysalis have to choose Ponyville?! A disaster was bound to happen!

"Discord?" Octavia's voice broke the silence that had filled the room. "Is everything all right?"

"What?" He smiled guiltily. "Oh, sure! Everything is fine!" He quickly swallowed the letter. "The letter was a bit bland, that's all. Nothing to worry about."

"Oh." Octavia said in the manner one does when expressing extreme disappointment.

"No, no, no!" The draconequus quickly waves his forelimbs. "It's alright, really it is. I needed a low fat letter. Honest! You've done nothing wrong! It's perfectly..."

"DISCORD!" The front door flew through the living-room and into the wall. Everyone, including Twilight, stared in its direction, as a dark blue alicorn entered. "WE NEED TO TALK!"