“Your highness?” Sunburst said as he approached, clearing his throat. He looked up hesitantly as he spoke, chewing his lip. “May I speak with you please?”
Celestia lowered the paper’s she’d been reading, offering a smile. “Please, Sunburst, just Celestia will do.”
“Right-of course your high-Celestia,” he corrected himself, nodding absentmindedly.
She paused, raising her eyebrows. “You seem quieter than usual. Is everything alright, Sunburst?”
He hesitated, looking to the guards that stood to each of the princess’s sides. “Do you think we could maybe have this conversation in private?” he asked. His voice broke slightly on those last words, even as he did his best to keep his emotions in check.
Celestia paused, raising her eyebrows. She nodded to the guards, motioning for them to leave. “If you’ll please leave us? Thank you,” she said politely. She waited patiently for them to leave the throne room before turning her attention back to Sunburst. “We’re alone, now. Would you care to explain?” she asked gently.
Sunburst chewed on his lip, taking a long deep breath. He tried to think of anything else they’d need to do first, anything else to talk about first. But there were no more excuses to make, no more ways to push it off. “I was studying and reading, and I came across a spell. It’s a really difficult one, and I’m not sure I’m powerful enough to cast it myself.”
His mentor paused, clearly curious and concerned. “Well I’m sure it’s something you could learn with practice. What spell is it?”
He took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to explain, how to explain the favor he wanted. “It’s the-the gender swap spell. The permanent one designed by Haycart?”
Celestia’s concern melted into understanding, and she gave him a sympathetic smile. “I... see. It’s a large choice to make, one not easy to undo. How much have you thought through this?”
Taking a deep breath, he nodded, feeling a small shot of confidence. “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, now. Almost as long as I’ve been studying in Canterlot, actually.”
“Have you spoken of this with your family and friends?” Celestia asked, standing and stepping down from the dais where the throne stood. “How about that one pony who you’re so close with? Starlight Glimmer, did you say her name was?”
Sunburst shook his head, wincing. “N-no. I haven’t told any of them, actually. My parents were never really-I never told them how I felt. Not even Starlight.”
Celestia nodded, looking out the nearest stained glass window. “Hm. I really think you ought to tell them,” she said, giving him a look of tired experience. “It’s important to be honest with the ones who matter to you most. It’s often the secret keeping that hurts the most.” She sighed slightly, turning to face him. “Do you promise this is what you really want? It’s not for ambitions or curiosity-you honest feel this is what you need?”
“Yes.” His usual confidence came back, for at least this once word. He didn’t feel right, felt like a stranger in his own skin. He wanted to feel real, not like a paper bag. “Even if you won’t do the spell, please, at least just treat me like-just, please?”
Celestia smiled, shaking her head. “Of course I’ll do it, Sunburst. Close your eyes, I’ve been told you’ll feel rather dizzy if you don’t.”
Sunburst lit up, smiling as he-no, she, closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths, keeping herself steady as the warm magic enveloped her, gentle and soft, like a blanket that had dried in the sun.
It was over before she realized it. She felt different, and her new shape seemed awkward at first. Sunburst blinked her eyes open, feeling slightly woozy as she recovered from the spell.
“Well? How does it feel?” Celestia asked, offering a gentle smile. “It might take a bit of getting used to.”
“It feels-” she cut off, blinking in surprise at her own voice. It was still her’s, but it wasn’t so deep pitched, smoother. “Different.” Focusing, she used her magic to summon the mirror in her room, levitating it in front of herself. “It-it looks pretty different too!” she said, letting out a short surprised laugh. The white spots on her coat had faded away, leaving orange, and her mane had grown so long it curled at the end. Strangest however, was her cutie mark.
“It changed,” Sunburst said in surprise. “Why’d my cutie mark change?” she asked, turning to better look it over.
“I suppose it’s because your destiny isn’t what it once was,” Celestia said curiously. “It’s most definitely not a common phenomenon, but not entirely unheard of, either.”
“Change of destiny, huh?” Sunburst mused, breaking into a smile. “A new start. Celestia? I want to change my name, too. Could you please call me, um, hm. Sunset. Sunset Shimmer,” she decided confidently, squaring with her reflection.
Celestia smiled, nodding. “Of course. Congratulations, my faithful student Sunset Shimmer.”
Despite all the morning’s euphoria, Sunset couldn’t help the frustration boiling inside of her. She wasn’t going to tell her parents, not yet, at least. Not everypony was exactly comfortable with transgenders, and unfortunately, that included her parents. She’d figure out how to explain it to them, eventually.
She was more concerned about her letter to Starlight.
Starlight had always been there, her best friend every step of the way. In fact, it was thanks to Starlight she’d ever even gotten her cutiemark, that she’d ever even come to study in Canterlot.
But she wasn’t sure how Starlight felt with these sorts of things. What if she was upset? Or disappointed? Sunset winced, staring at the unwritten letter on her desk, setting down her quill as she struggled to think of what to write. She couldn’t write a letter and not tell her.
But what if it made Starlight hate her?
Sunset groaned aloud, pacing impatiently. She didn’t regret going through with this. She felt real for a change, felt like the person she was meant to be for the first time in as long as she could remember. She wanted to share this with Starlight, just like they’d always shared everything. She wanted to celebrate with her, hear she was happy for her.
She slumped, leaning her forehead into the wall. What was she supposed to say? How was she going to explain any of this?
Maybe it would be easier not to say anything. She couldn’t simply leave it. It felt almost as awful as lying to Starlight’s face. It would be easier to write the letter to her parents, the letter of blatant half truths.
She just... wouldn’t write to Starlight. No letters, not until she figured out how to explain everything without ruining everything. This was the better way.
This was the right way.
Author's Note
Based on a personal theory of mine. It's based off the idea that Sunburst and Sunset Shimmer have extremely similar coloring and names, and that they both studied in Canterlot. The basic idea is Sunburst being trans, and the reason he grew apart from Starlight wasn't because of his cutiemark but because he was worried she wouldn't like him when she found out.
“Sunset Shimmer?” Celestia paused at the library door, blinking at her student in surprise. “It’s the first weekend of the month-aren’t you supposed to be seeing your family?”
Sunset glanced up from her book, hesitating. “Oh, Celestia! Sorry, I should have let you know-I canceled my visit. I wanted to put in some extra studying on an old spell I found in the Starswirl Wing and-”
“You haven’t told them yet, have you,” Celestia said, sighing slightly. It wasn’t much of a question, really, so much as a fact she’d resigned herself to.
Wincing, she looked away, managing an awkward smile. “Ah, well, I haven’t really figured out how to bring it up, no. I will though, soon, don’t worry about it!” she insisted.
“What about your friend? Weren’t you two going to spend some time together? I’m sure she’ll be rather disappointed you’re not coming,” Celestia tried hopefully.
Chewing her lip, Sunset Shimmer pushed to her hooves, brushing her mane from her eyes. “I’m sure Starlight understand. I mean, I’m really busy and stuff,” she said, though the excuse felt as weak as it sounded. “I’ll see her next month for sure.”
“You ought to tell them,” Celestia said gently as she turned to leave, pausing by the door. “You’ll feel better if you do, I’m sure. Consider it, at least?”
Hesitantly, Sunset nodded, more to get Celestia to leave than because she was in honest agreement. Clearly it was enough for her teacher, however, so Celestia left with a gentle smile and a nod.
Letting out a breath of relief, Sunset looked down at the cover of the book she’d been reading. It was easy, too easy. Sighing, she levitated it back onto the shelves, eyes flickering over the spines of the books in search of more of a challenge.
But she couldn’t think straight.
Maybe Celestia was right. After all, she couldn’t keep secrets forever. She’d start by writing a letter to her parents first. She’d explain everything, why she’d chosen this, why it was important to her. They were her parents, after all. They could understand, right?
Eventually she selected a book about the intricacies of Starswirl’s seventh motion, absentmindedly flipping through the pages as she worried.
What if they didn’t? Would they be mad she didn’t tell them? Would they tell her to ask Celestia to change her back? Sunset winced, dropping down in a soft chair. She didn’t want to change back, not now, not when she was finally comfortable in her own skin. She’d ever gotten used to long curly hair, and felt fond of her changed cutie mark. She didn’t want to go back to the way things were before. She couldn’t.
Her concerns were blurred out by the book. Even wading through her own stress and worries, she couldn’t help how it snagged her attention, tugged on the strings of her curiosity, pulling her deeper. She read softly, mouthing the words slightly, even though she didn’t speak the words allowed. It was an interesting read, a passage about a controversial scroll by Starswirl studying magic could really separated into dark and good, or whether it was a matter of intention. The distraction was nice, wonderful even, another example of why she idolized the brilliant wizard. What would it be to be like him? To stand on par with alicorns, to save the world, to banish those who endangered the world. It was everything she wanted, a life of adventure and success. It was nice, having a peaceful morning of nothing but curiosity and daydreams.
But mornings end, and reality calls, and much too soon, Sunset was back in her chambers, pacing in front of her desk. She’d been back from the library for nearly half an hour now, and still she struggled to get the words to come.
Clearing her throat, she focused. “Dear Mom and Dad,” she dictated aloud. Her quill shot to life, dipping itself in ink before hurriedly scratching out the words she’d spoken. That was probably the easiest part out of the way. She could try to make small talk, try to open casually, but that was only another excuse. Sunset took a deep breath, cutting straight to the heart of things.
“I need to confess that I’ve not been completely honest with you. For nearly three years now, I’ve known I’m transgender. Every morning, I’d wake up, and the moment I looked in the mirror, I’d feel almost shocked. Seeing my own face felt confusing, and for as long as I can remember, looking in the mirror I’d feel like the pony I was looking at wasn’t... me.”
Sunset hesitated at the window of her room, glancing out over the city briefly. Turning on heel, she began to pace back the other direction as she continued. “Being the personal student to Princess Celestia gave me an extraordinary opportunity, one to magically alter my outer self to match who I feel like I really am. It’s been a pretty strange experience to be certain, but one I wouldn’t give up for anything. That’s the real reason why I canceled my visit this month. I know you guys haven’t really been comfortable with this kind of thing when it comes to other ponies, and I wasn’t sure how to tell you. Do you think you could try and understand why I chose this for myself? I really want you both to be happy for me.”
Sunset paused, glancing at where the quill floated, waiting for her to finish wrapping up her thoughts. Clearing her throat, she steeled her nerve, finishing quickly. “I love you very, very much, and hope to see you soon. Your daughter, Sunset Shimmer, formerly, Sunburst.” She hesitated a moment, considering adding a postscript asking them to tell Starlight hi for her, but no. It was too tense to add something like that, to tack so casual a request at the end of her confession.
Glancing to the letter, she lay down the quill. Chewing her lip, she folded the parchment, tucking it into an envelope and sealing it. She’d have to send it, quickly before she lost her nerve.
She only hoped they’d give her the support she needed.
