One - Man becomes Merchant
"Things change. They change so suddenly that sometimes we don't even notice it.
We cannot control the change, all we can do is change with it to survive the fall.
Adaptability, This is one of the many qualities that makes a soul valuable.”
Freaking cons.
That was all that was going through my head. I mean don't get me wrong, I love cons and such, but there have been times where I hate their freaking guts. Allow me to explain.
So my name is Chris and I’m 23 years old. I had been dragged along by my friend to a con at the stadium of who cares, and I was a little peeved that the con was packed. I know that when compared to Comic Con a 400,000 person con is nothing, But still I wanted to do stuff and it was impossible to enjoy what little I could with all these other people around. Not to mention how the bathrooms were always full. My friend had just ditched me to chase after something, I really couldn't care what it was exactly. I know that maybe I was acting just a bit more sour than I needed to be, but I had just been having a bad week.
I decided to take a look at the various stands near my area and none of them particularly grabbed my attention. That is until I reached the last one. It was a wooden stand with a whole bunch of props from Iconic video games and television shows. I took a quick glance around to see if anyone was working the stand. After finding it abandoned and seeing no one paying attention to me I took a closer look at the items on the stand. None seemed that appealing except for a real Cigar that looked quite good. I picked it up and inspected it. I didn't know much but I could tell it was a fine brand and was probably a British export. I twisted it around and found a name on the side of it, it read ‘Price’. I took another quick glance in all directions before stuffing it into my pocket and power walking away. After that I went outside to enjoy the thing. Nothing else interesting happened for quite some time until the end of the day.
Fast forward to later in the day, I had met up with my friend and we were planning to head back to the motel, but I needed to go to the bathroom. The entire time at the con after stealing the cigar I felt like I was being watched, but I just blamed it on petty paranoia and shrugged it off. I went to the bathroom and found it completely empty which was weird for a con the size we went to. I didn't think much of it as I walked to the urinals. I definitely felt like I was being watched before, but in there I felt the same way only ten times worse. while I was standing there. I just wanted to do my business and leave, However the world had different plans. I picked a urinal and shortly after a man walked in and chose the one urinal to the right of me instead of the ten others that were much farther away. The only thing going through my head was ‘please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me, please don-’
“Hello there.” He blurted creepily. I sighed and responded reluctantly.
“Hi.” We were silent in an otherwise extremely uncomfortable situation. I was planning to leave but I didn't want to seem like a jerk by implying that this guy was a creep, even though he totally was. That is until I felt a wetness fall onto my leg right next to him...and I hadn’t even started yet. “Okay! I'm out!” I zipped up my pants and walked to the exit. As soon as I stepped outside a man with crowbar hit me in the head and I blacked out.
I woke up with a quick jerking motion. My head felt like a sack of rocks, and my eyes were struggling to find focus. I gained my bearings and found myself bound to a chair with my arms tied behind it. I was in a pitch black room with a singular light shining above me. I tried to break my arms free but to no avail. I halted my efforts when I noticed someone in the darkness starting to walk around behind me. I tried to look at them but their figure was entirely cloaked by the rooms shadows. “Well it seems the thief has finally decided to wake up.” I was caught off guard by their voice. I couldn't pin a gender because their voice was distorted and chillingly monotone.
“You must be quite sneaky in order to steal an item from a merchant. You remind me of a younger me. However despite my respect for your skills in thievery I must hold you accountable for tampering with my business.” At this I had realized that this had to have been the person who I stole the cigar from.
“Okay listen man.” I shakily said to them. They stopped in their tracks, and I could tell since the sound of their constant pacing in the darkness had stopped. I gulped and felt a slight pressure in my gut as I felt their eyes trained on me. I had to find a way out of this. “I had no idea you were this extreme about your stuff, alright? I’m sorry. How much was it anyway? I’ll pay you.” As I proposed my offer they started to chuckle until it grew into full blown laughter. I nervously laughed alongside them until I heard a loud shout.
“Shut it!” I shut my mouth and their walking continued. They walked circles for a moment, not saying anything.
“Um.” I vocalized my impatience unknowingly and shut my mouth once again.
“You’re off to a great start you know that?” I raised my eyebrow but held my tongue. “Still though, you mortals are always so funny in your cluelessness. That cigar was literally priceless. There will never be another like it. It was a bitch to get and now it’s gone.” I visibly shrunk at their explanation as it dawned on me that I owed this person one priceless one of a kind cigar. I didn't want to hear anymore so I decided to stall the inevitable ultimatum with a question.
“Where did you get it?” I asked.
“Well if you must know Human.” I tried to look at them weirdly for calling me human in a disgusted tone but they were right behind me. “That specific cigar was taken from Captain Price’s body after his climactic battle with Makarov. Extremely hard to do, one of our best merchants had trouble doing so but we got it.” I, of course, had no Idea who or what he was talking about, but I acted like I did for no other reason than try to level with him.
After his explanation he circled around to my front and stepped into my view. He was a fairly average height man with a flat top haircut. He looked looked like an aged white lawyer who took a lot of pills. His voice had changed into what I assume was his regular voice, an average pitch with a slight gravel to it. He stepped towards me and smiled. He reached out his hand and my binds fell of. He opened his palm and told me. “Now this isn't all bad. Despite you taking it you can still go free if and only if you simply give it back.”
I stared at him blankly and nodded. A minute had passed and I heard his foot tapping the ground. “Well?” He said impatiently. I stared at him some more and only gave him a frightened smile in return. “You smoked it, didn't you?” I nodded like a child with his hand caught in the cooky jar. I don’t know why but for some reason this guy's presence made me feel weaker. He closed his hands and let out a long tired sigh through his teeth before softly facepalming and rubbing his bridge. “There’s always one.” He said tiredly before turning towards a newly opened door filtering light into the room. He exited but not before motioning his head towards me.
Just before I stood up two large men entered and grabbed me with little trouble. Now at this point most people would be freaking the hell out. Me? I’m not most people. I had already been freaking the hell out ever since waking up in a dark torture room, it just took my body until then to kick into freak the hell out mode. “Woah woah woah hey, fellas, easy!” They didn’t respond and just very gently ripped me from the chair and dragged me into an elevator. I, in a very manly and testosterone filled way begged for them to let me go. Of course they didn't listen and instead we had a very awkward and quiet elevator ride with the most clichéd elevator music ever, enhancing the awkwardness.
When the doors opened they both tossed me forward and onto the ground. “Yeah that's right you better let me go. I know shinjitsu you don't even know what I could do!” I tried to intimidate them but they just snickered at my attempt. I was obviously too much for them. I turned around and found myself in a small observation room. It had a small desk with a large window wall behind it. I walked up to it and looked through, it was a window that overlooked a large trading floor of some kind. The room was small and gray, and had nothing but the aforementioned desk and window, as well as the elevator door. I looked out of the window again and observed the trading floor. It was something reminiscent of the U.S stock exchange, as in complete chaos, but among the chaos I saw some crazy things. Upon looking closely I nearly passed out at the sight of griffons, weird blob monsters, giant mosquitos, and even cat people. All of them just yelling at each other and trying to trade items with each other.
A lot of these items were, believe it or not, popular items from video games, animes, TV shows, even real life. However what confused me the most, aside from the obvious absurdity of these strange beings trading them, was that all of the items looked hyper realistic, too realistic to be replicas. “Enjoying the sights?” I turned and saw the figure of the businessman from before. He walked to my right and looked out of the observation room window with me.
“What is all of this?” I asked him. He looked over to me and flashed a toothy smile. I would have made a remark about his unnaturally white smile but I was still in the middle of soaking in the sights of the trading floor. He focused on the trading floor and began what I assume was his attempt at explaining to me what I was seeing.
“So quick to the questions. At least have some pleasantries. Let's start with a name hmm?”
“Fair enough. My name is Chris, yours?” I looked to him for an answer.
“Not important.” He gave me no answer to my question and deep down inside I felt like this would become a trend.
I sighed and reiterated my earlier question. “Okay fine. Now what is all of that?” I pointed towards the area that we were observing. For some reason now that I wasn't in a spooky torture room I felt a bit more secure in speaking so firmly to him. He looked at me like I was crazy then just shook his head slowly.
“Well something you must first know human, is that yes all of these ‘mythical’ and ‘imaginary’ creatures do exist. Griffons, unicorns, pegasi, cat people, etc, etc. A lot of them are far more important to me than humans. In fact there are many things out in the multiverse that tower over your mortal existence in importance. Cataclysmic events and huge galactic battles waged in far off galaxies all with noticeable figures and well known ‘characters’ as you humans call them.” My eyes wandered to a person who tried to trade his wonder woman whip for another person's Captain America shield. The women he was haggling with said something and then the man threw in a red hat with an M on it. I had yet to have the answer to my question because he had just been droning on about pointless expositio- “Wouldn't you agree?”
He had cut off my thoughts with a question and caught me off guard. In retrospect it probably wasn’t a good idea to stop paying attention after I asked him a question, but attention deficit and all, so hindsight is 20/20. I nervously scratched the back of my neck as he stared at me, awaiting my answer. I eventually just resigned to being honest, which honestly never pans out for me. “Um..could you repeat that?” He chuckled softly for sometime before it grew into full blown laughter. I had a feeling that would become a trend. It was very awkward to say the least as I stood there next to his hearty and genuine laughter at what I had just said. I honestly would have been offended if I wasn't so nervous.
Businessman, as I had come to referring him as, wiped a tear from his eye. “Oh man, you truly are funny, human. Now as I said, we are..how should I put this.” He thought for a moment and continued. “Well you could refer to us as ‘merchants’ to put it simply.” He lifted up his hands and did the quotation marks around the word merchants. “We travel through space and time to some of the most well known franchises on your world as well as others.” I took note of his acknowledgement of other worlds.
“We steal ‘artifacts’ from said franchises. Then the ‘merchants’ I employ, as well as myself from time to time, give them to people on your across the multiverse at conventions for free.” And right there I had gotten my answer..and then some. But now I had loads more questions.
“Okay wait! Hold the phone. Not only are there various other worlds with franchises and similar workings to mine.” I paused and he nodded intently. “But you and your ‘merchants’ steal artifacts from worlds that are even further in the multiverse and give them to people at cons for..no profit whatsoever?” I raised my eyebrows at him and waited for his response. And boy let me tell you, his response was the best damn thing I had heard in my entire life.
“Yep, essentially.” That was all he said.
The sheer amount of absurdity stunned me. I stood there speechless at his answer and reaction. Was that it? No there had to be more. At least a motivation, right?
I had my mouth wide open as I tried to form a coherent sentence, no word, to speak until I landed on the perfect one. “Why?” Simple and to the point. And a perfect summary of my feelings towards the information he shared.
His face scrunched up as he was visibly holding back his laughter. My antics just amusing him to no end. He calmed himself for the most part and tried to answer me, though some giggles did break through his dialogue.
“Oh ho ho. Well that is very easy to explain. You see whenever I sell an item to a starry eyed idiot who romanticizes living in a fictional world to the point of writing stories about it my heart soars. Not because I give them their wish but because I get to see the various idiotic ways they handle it. It’s very entertaining to watch mortals flounder about, you should try it.” Many times during Business man's explanation I had to make sure it was the same serious man who was interrogating me earlier. His personality had switched on a dime, and now he was acting like we were best chums.
“The same goes for these here merchants. Take a look.” He grabbed me and brought me shoulder to shoulder with him. We both looked out of the observation window again and he waved his hand over the merchants. “Even some of these people get into trouble that is entertaining to watch. They were all mortal at some point. So you see Chris? I do have a motivation for my actions. Shits and giggles!” We stood in awkward silence as he still held me there next to him. Businessman had a dumb and unsettling smile permanently glued to his face and it only seemed to grow. I looked over to him and asked a question that had been lingering on my mind for the entirety of this conversation.
“Are you mental?” He broke down after that. After ten minutes of non stop laughing Business man finally cleared his head and reduced his laughter to short giggles.
“Oh my. Please excuse me, I haven't had a laugh that good in millenia.” I rolled my eyes at his mention of his lifespan. He stood up fully and brushed himself off. “Now where were we? Ah yes. You may be wondering why I’m telling you all of this? Well to put it simply it’s because you’re perfect! Now allow me to introduce someone.”He turned and faced the elevator door behind us and lifted his hand up with three fingers ready.
“That someone will be arriving in three, two, one.” After his countdown the elevator opened and revealed the craziest thing I had seen today up close. It was a small brown unicorn with a tuft of off white hair on his head. He had a pair of bags strapped across his back that were filled to the brim. He looked very young, not that I would know how old a unicorn would look, and looked very nervous. He had a picture of three canteens on his butt to top off his strange appearance. He stepped in and bowed his head respectfully. He rose shortly after and glared daggers in my direction. I wondered if it was who I thought it was.
“Sir. I have arrived by your orders.” He said in a nervous and shaky voice. Every so often he glanced in my direction with hatred in his eyes. No doubt about it, this was the guy I stole from.
“Hello Georgie. I’d like you to meet Chris.” He motioned towards me. “I can see that you’ve been itching to meet the skilled thief who stole from you. Well here he is.” His calm voice and wide smile made me feel uneasy. Like he only told me so much because he was going to kill me. Oh god was he going to kill me?
I backed away slowly as Business man continued talking to the merchant. “I brought you here to let you know that Chris here is officially to be your replacement.”
“What!?” Both me and Georgie exclaimed. Before I had a moment to object Business man lifted his finger and pointed to Georgie, who was at this point freaking the hell out. He knew what was coming I assumed.
“Wait sir! Please don't do this. Just give another chance. I can steal another o-” Mid sentence Georgie was cut off by a bright laser that shot from Business man’s finger and vaporized the cowering merchant, his pack falling to the ground. Nothing was left of him except a bag, a pile of dust, and a shiny object lying in it. I understandably let out a scared yelp at the sight of someone dying in front of me. Businessman walked to the dust and sifted through it before pulling out a small marble with a lightning bolt inside.
“Open wide.” He said as he walked closer to me with the marble. I rightfully backed the fuck up as he tried to feed me the death ball.
“Oh hell no! Back up you crazy bastard I’m not swallowing that!” He stopped and cocked his head in general surprise.
“Don't you want to be an immortal merchant?” He asked genuinely. I stared at him in silence for a good few seconds just so that my next words would sink in.
“No! Who the hell do you think I am? Why would you even think for a second that I would ever agree to this?! I don't want to be a merchant. Just some pawn for you to vaporize when he screws up. I want to go back.” I motioned towards the pile of ash that was Georgie. He looked to it and smiled.
“Oh no no. I didn't vaporize him, that would be much more messy, I simply deactivated his immortality chip and his age caught up to him. I should really start replacing these merchants sooner they turn to dust a lot more often than you think.”
“Are you trying to sound like an escaped mental patient? Because you're doing a great job.” He gave me an unamused look but I wasn't fazed. “Listen Businessman I don't want to be some disposable merchant that you’ll have for… however the hell long you keep them until you decide they're taking too much space. That's not for me, no thanks.”
“Business man?” He raised his eyebrow at me as he acknowledged my use of the nickname I gave him. He shook his head and continued with the conversation. “Anyway Chris. I think you misunderstood me.” His face shifted from his normal smile to a very dark and serious frown as he glared at me. If looks could kill I would have died twenty times over. “You will become an immortal merchant. I don't remember giving you much say in the matter, because you have a debt that needs to be paid. The only reason you are still alive is because I find your human antics slightly more amusing than most others. Now that we are clear I will reiterate. Open. Your. Mouth.” I would say I shat a brick at his delivery but that would be lying. I shat two.
Fear overtaking me I opened wide and let him place the marble inside of me. It felt and sounded weird at the same time. Afterwards I waited but nothing happened. “Um should I feel any different?” He scoffed and patted his forehead really fast.
“Duh. Of course silly me. I need to activate it. Hold still and don't blink, if you do you’ll have a stroke.” Just like that he was back to being crazy. While I was wrapped in my thought I completely missed what he told me.
“Wait wha-” He zapped me with a green beam and suddenly I felt completely different, magical even. I felt like I was soaring into the air as his powers fed into the chip within me. I felt like I could do anything. Suddenly I was on the ground and Businessman was there chuckling above me. “What happened?” I asked.
“I told you not to blink. Get up.” I stood up shakily and watched him as he sat down at his desk. “Now that you’re a merchant it’s time for you to start paying off your debt. After that you can go anywhere you want. But for now you listen to me.” He tapped a button and a holographic planet appeared above his desk. “You ever heard of Equestria and the planet Fierra?” I shook my head no. “Okay, here's a better question, ever heard of My little pony?”
I raised my eyebrow. “Yes why?” That's when it clicked in my brain. I had heard of these weird guys all over the internet calling themselves bronies. I thought nothing of it until they completely overran the internet and even real life with their non stop weirdness. Most of them were just attention seekers making big deals out of nothing and that was one of my pet peeves. To think some weirdo actually wants to go to the ‘My Little Pony’ world. I looked to him, realization becoming my faces new expression, and motioned for him to continue. He pushed a button again and a horse, or ‘pony’, appeared in the place of the planet. It was tall, had a horn, and a pair of wings. It also wore a tiara, a chest piece, and shoes.
“This is Princess Celestia, she is the goddess of Equestria. I want you to go to her world, go into her castle, steal her tiara, and bring it to me. Easy peezy. You pay your debt, I get a precious artifact, and if you so choose you can give up the merchant life. Sound good?” He made it sound so simple but I knew there was more.
“If she’s a goddess then what can she do? I am going to steal from her so I should at least know if she can hurt me.” He smiled at my question and pulled out both of his hands to list some dangers.
“Well she know extremely powerful magic, extremely resilient to physical and magical blows, she can raise the sun with her magic, overall she can easily kill you.” I froze up at his but he raised his hand quickly. “But don’t worry she won’t.” I sighed in relief. “It’s her sister and her subjects you need to worry about. They will easily tear you apart.” He hit the button again and another pony with a horn and wings appeared. She was smaller and was flanked by six more ponies but they only had a horn, wings, or neither. I assumed they were ponies because they were much smaller.
“These seven ponies will not hesitate to destroy you if you so much as think to do something remotely bad to the princess.” This guy just doesn't quit, but as he explained he gets off on watching ‘mortals’ squirm. Wait...mortals.
“Wait, Businessman you said I’m immortal right? Doesn't that mean I can't die?”
“Ah ah ah. You may be immortal, but that only means that you can't die of natural causes. A knife across the throat and you’re as dead as can be.” He dragged a finger across his neck to emphasize his point. So that was good to know. I may be immortal but I can still die very easily. “Now on to business. I believe we have spent enough time dawdling.”
With a snap of his fingers a portal formed to our right. It was a generic purple swirled portal that seemed to lead nowhere. “This portal will take you to your very first mission. You will have to use all of your cunning and wits to make it through the obstacles ahead of you.” I gulped as I stared at the never ending portal that lead to a new life. I was scared out of my wits but I knew I had no way out. “Oh and you might want to take Georgie's pack. You did inherit it and all.”
I looked over to the pack on the ground by the ashes and looked closely. The saddlebags that Georgie had dropped changed into a human sized camping travel pack. I sighed and picked it up off the ground, not even bothering to question how it had done so. I noticed how surprisingly light it was when I effortlessly hefted it onto my back. I walked to the portal and stopped. There was something I needed to get off my chest. “You do know that I just picked the cigar while he was away, right? I didn't make a complex plan to steal it.” I hoped he would give some kind of reaction but he just smirked at me. He waved his hands in a shoo motion but I wasn't done. There was still one more thing bothering me.
“Wait a second. Were you that creepy guy who came into the bathroom and pissed on my leg?”
“Who now? No I did no such thing. I think that was just some guy.”
“Well. That's good to know… I guess?”
“Well enough chit chat, you need to head out. Need to start early if you ever hope to steal that crown.” He let out another one of his crazy laughs, and I let out a small nervous one of my own. I looked at the portal and with a defeated sigh I stepped through.
“He is quite peculiar is he not?” A small light embedded on Business mans table blinked in response. “Yes yes. I don't think he’s suspected anything, I mean why would he? In due time though.” The room was silent as Business man was left to his thoughts. He often felt bored when talking to potential new merchants. But Chris was different for all of the right reasons. He began to softly chuckle in his chair. Soon the thoughts of his anticipation for the other gods’ reactions overtook him. He squealed in delight and cackled furiously. He pounded on his chair in delight and cheered. The blinking light made a return and blinked furiously.
“What was that?” He cut his laughter unnaturally fast and listnened to the rapid beeps. “Oh don’t be silly. Chris’ll do just fine.” The light blinked again and Businessman cocked an eyebrow. “Well if you really feel that way then just don’t pay attention to him at all.” Another moment of silence passed before Business man thought of a great way to better the story of chris. To maybe spice things up a bit. “Hey L. do you mind finding him for me?” The light blinked sinisterly. “You read my mind.”
Now if you’ve never been in a portal before let me tell you how it feels. It feels like you’re being pulled in every direction simultaneously. The weirdest part is when you exit the portal as soon as I did I felt an instant form of vertigo as everything looked like it was zooming past me. After some time of holding in my barf I felt relief as everything slowed down around me. I was finally able to get a look at my surroundings and I don't know what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting this. I looked around and found myself inside of a kitchen. Of all places to end up I didn't expect to land in a kitchen, but what was weird about it was that it was very small compared to my size. All of the counters and drawers were about waist high and everything was made of stone.
Feeling curious I decided to inspect the kitchen. It was pretty standard, most of the drawers were filled with normal cooking tools, but then I saw that there were small glass figurines on the counter. One was of a dragon, a Drake by the looks of it, and another was a strange bust/trophy looking thing of a fire whipping around a small sphere. With nothing of interest I decided to move on.
It didn't take me long to realise I was in a house. What was weird was that the entirety of the walls, doors, and furniture were made from stone. I wandered into what looked like a living room and found more examples of stone of everything. Despite how interesting the house design seemed I needed to find the exit to kick off my journey. I started towards a set of doors at a corner; one to the left, another to the right. My instincts told me right so I pushed the door open and walked into another room. I didn't pay attention to the details because all I needed to know was that it wasn't the exit. I scolded my instincts but had my thoughts interrupted by the sound of a falling object behind me. I whirled around and froze.
Behind me was a full grown griffon that looked completely stunned. He stared at me with wide eyes in an uncomfortable fashion, completely freezing me like a deer in headlights. His left talon was open and on the ground below him was a cup that had water spilling out. He had a type of sack on his back as well but there was nothing of significance otherwise. He looked pretty intimidating with a cool blue accent to his feathers and nothing like the griffon merchants I saw. Despite standing there for a long period of time none of us moved an inch. My mind was drawing a blank on what to do until a little voice in the back of my head spoke to me.
‘You should probably run.’
I decided to take its advice.
“Uh…” As soon as the griffon opened his mouth to speak I booked it and ran through the door on the other side of the corner. As soon as I did I regretted it because my exit sent me plummeting down the side of a canyon. I screamed my lungs out as I flew past countless griffons all of varying shapes and sizes.
I was pretty sure I hit terminal velocity as I saw the rocky ground fast approaching. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the inevitable.
So much for being a merchant.
Author's Note
Hey there non-existent viewers both old and new. I have spent a lot of time trying to make my new story a success. It's always been a goal of mine to upload something original for once. If it isn't too much to ask I want you guys to help in any way you can and let me know what I need to fix right from the get go. It can only make it better right?
Till next time non-existent viewers. Emo Rainbow signing off.
