“...So stand tall mares and colts for we are doing Celestia’s work, and when the time comes she will embrace us with open hooves, and let me be the first to welcome you all to the PER” concluded the speaker at the podium.
The middle aged pegasus mare standing at the podium had a light brown coat with a yellow and orange, short, clean-cut mane and tail. She took only a brief pause at the conclusion of her speech before speaking back into the microphone.
“Now, anypony have a question?”
A hand raised out from the small sized crowd. The man sitting in the chair was wearing a blue flannel shirt, black khaki pants, tennis shoes, glasses, and a nametag that read ‘Filthy Frank’
“Ah! You over there, you have a question?”
Frank stood up from his chair as everypony in the room stared at him. It was uncommon to see humans in the PER, though what stood out the most was that Frank was the only human in the room, if not the most strangely dressed.
“Um, yeah… So I came here because I heard you were doing a screening of Chef by Jon Favreau”
An awkward silence filled the room before the mare at the podium responded. “No… The codeword to enter the building was Chef…”
“So wait!” says Frank as he quickly darts around “So none of ya’ll have seen Chef?”
The ponies in the audience only responded by either giving Frank a confused look, or by shaking their heads.
The mare at the podium cleared her throat before speaking into the microphone again. “It seems like you’re lost, but how about you come up on stage for a minute. This would be a perfect opportunity for a demonstration”
Frank made his way to the stage as he approached the mare. “So, like, if you guys need it, I have a copy of Chef on me at all time. I can go ahead and just slide it into the DVD player”
“No no no” the mare responded. “I just need your help with something”
The mare spoke into the microphone. “And now, fillies and gentlecolts, I shall show all of you the magic of the conversion potion!”
The mare withdrew a purple bottle from underneath the podium, unscrewed the lid, and splashed Frank with the liquid.
“What the fuck?!” said Frank as the liquid splashed all over his chest.
Frank stood on stage, completely unaffected from the potion. “Did you just throw grape koolaid at me?!”
Everypony’s jaw collectively dropped as Frank continued to stand on stage looking more and more angry.
“You fuckin’ piece of work” says Frank as he withdraws a piece of ravioli from his shirt pocket and tosses it at the mare, completely missing. “This had better be a fuckin’ prank…” Frank murmured.
Suddenly, the mare quickly ran off the stage yelling at the top of her lungs. “CODE BLACK! CODE BLACK! TELL PRINCESS CELESTIA! CODE BLACK!”
Frank continues to stand on stage awkwardly. “Wow, I didn’t think the ravioli would scare her like that, shit” he murmured before walking up to the microphone. “So, where’s the bathroom?”
A couple of the ponies in the audience pointed their hooves to an exit towards the left hand side of the wall.
“Sir!” said an earth pony stallion dressed in full PER fatigues. “We’ve just received a grim notice only a few block away. Code black”
The pony the stallion was talking to was sitting in a chair just a few inches away. A unicorn with a dark green coat and silver mane, this pony’s name was Under Brush and he was the leader of this particular PER sector.
He quickly swiveled his chair to make eye contact with the stallion at the door. “Code black! But… That can’t be… Take me there now!”
“Your highness!” said a royal guard as he charged his way into the throne room. “Dire news from a PER facility, code black”
Celestia, sitting upon her throne, cracked a grin at the guards words.
“Code black? Ha!” she said confidently. “That was a hypothetical scenario, no human is immune to conversion fluid. You mean code blue right?”
The royal guard slowly took off his helmet as he politely responded. “No mam, it was very clear. This is, without a doubt, a code black”
Assholes, all of them Frank thought to himself. Once these ‘ponies’ showed up everyone became way too damn friendly, I’d never thought I’d say this but… What kind of uncultured garbage society isn’t allowed to watch the masterpiece that is Chef? So what, I’m supposed to not go around asking random people if they’ve seen Chef? No… I’m gonna go out there and show these bastards what art is.
Frank finished cleaning his shirt in the bathroom sink before putting it back on, sure his shirt was a little wet but he managed to get most of the purple out, and the DVD copy of Chef was still fine.
“I’m gonna show these equine fucks what a true god looks like” Frank says as he strokes the Chef DVD.
Frank makes his way to the bathroom door, as he opens it and steps outside he’s immediately pelted in all directions by bottles of conversion potion.
“Aaaaaah! Stop! Stop! Not the DVD!”
The potion throwing came to a stop, Frank was dripping in the purple liquid still trying to cover the DVD case.
“But…” said Under Brush from the crowd “How are you not been… ponified yet?”
Frank turns around before announcing. “You should all just go hang yourselves, seriously. Like just end it all. As a matter of fact all of your little pony heads could easily fit into one noose, that way you could all just save time and energy”
Frank storms past all of them and makes his way back towards the stage room as the crowd of ponies all trotted behind him conversing on what they should do next.
Frank walks over to the projector in the back of the stage room, he turned on the DVD player and put in the Chef DVD.
Just as Frank hit the play button, the entrance doors swung open as Princess Celestia walked in, accompanied by a unicorn in a lab coat. The other ponies in the room quickly bowed down to her as Frank fiddled with the sound controls and projector focusing.
“Remind me Cobalt” said Celestia to the unicorn in the lab coat. “Why do you think he’s invincible to the potion?”
Cobalt quickly responded by reading from his clipboard. “Well, we’ve watched his YouTube channel and we think it’s because he is so horrible, so unimaginably horrible, so mind bogglingly terrible, a channel that is the literal worst thing ever, that we think he’s immune because the potion can’t overpower the sheer horribleness he exhumes”
“Hmm…” Says Celestia “I know! Let’s capture him and show him episode after episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic so we can make him a brony. Maybe then we could…”
“Shhh!” Frank interrupts. “Chef is starting”
All the ponies, and Frank, sit down as the film plays. As the film played the room would fill with laughter, tears, and cheering as all the ponies were on the edge of their seats.
As the film came to an end, Celestia herself shed a single tear. “That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… I misjudged humanity… It would be a crime against nature to destroy a species that would create something so beautiful…”
Celestia turned to Under Brush “Spread the word, tell everypony to shut down the Conversion Bureaus, shut down the PER. If ponykind is ever to come close to making something even slightly as beautiful as Chef by Jon Favreau then we must take the first step”
Under Brush saluted Celestia as he quickly made his way to the communications room.
Celestia turned to Frank with a glimmer in her eyes. “Thank you, Frank, thank you for showing everypony this…”
Frank turned to Celestia with a blank expression across his face. “You serious right now? I mean it was good, but it wasn’t that good. Get a hold of yourself you astral, sun horse, looking piece of trash”
Author's Note
This is what inspired me to write this:
The start of the Chef ~~spicy meme~~ masterpiece:
