Its been 4 years since you have been gone because of the cancer and it still. Hurts it hurts like any thing i have never known i mean why did you leave me why what did i do for you to die on me . i wish i was with you but i cant everypony keep asking if i need to talk about how i feel but i cant i dont want to seem weak to them i just cant and they say it going to get better but when is it i find each day some times the pain feels like i am dead inside no pony knows that feeling i keep having flashbacks of that day a whole team of medical staff tryed to help they even said they will try to put you on life support but it was to far gone they said it was just a waiting game now i have had so many sleepless nights over the years i have lost count some nights i wakeup crying shouting for you still hopeing it was just a bad dream but i know it was real it did happen i know syou died but anything is better than the truth my life is one bad dream for the first year i could not feel anything in my heart but pain and it hurt every day the same pain i just locked my self away from the world and friends i even could not face rainbow dash my big sister who let me sleep in her home on that day the pain inside keeps hurting why cant you just go away i stated to drink my self to sleep it worked but i had to stop before it became a problem but i started to read about this thing called depression and how it came in waves some days you going to be ok but some other days i feel dead inside after two years i got better i started to see my friends boy they was happy to see me they asked how i was and how i was feeling some days rainbowdash and i went for walks to see her it was nice to have her with me if i needed to cry she would hug me like saying let it out i am here and i would thank her for being there she would just say' you would do the same for me thats what big sisters do' whats true i would do the same but he last month leading to the day you died the depression has been get worse if you ask rainbowdash how fearless i am she would say i am the breavest pony she knows but that day i felt fear i just wanted to run away and never come back the fear and the pain made me not talk to any pony why is it still here the worst thing is i am forgetting how she sounded how you laughted am i forgetting you and why is it happening to me mom why am i forgetting you i cant not now and not ever will i forget you mom i know you can hear me why did you go i loved you didnt you love me is that why you gave up fighting it i love you still and iknow that you love me even you are gone you still here n my heart and always there no matter where i am you are here with me the pain hurts less now than it did when it started i live with rainbowdash you would love her she training me to fly still but some days ago i got my cutie mark you would be so happy but i guess you are even you are not here in reallife i can feel you in my heart the love you would be giveing me and you saying i am so proud of you but you are gone and i cant bring you back if i had one wish and it was to have one more day would i use it i dont know if i would use it because it would hurt seeing you die again love you mom hope to see you tonight in my dreams as she fell asleep rainbowdash pulled the bed covers over her and said i will look after her for you she is in safe hooves with me you can trust me on that as rainbow dash went to bed she heard a voce saying 'thank you for looking after her' a tear rolled down her cheek as she smiled knowing who the voice came from it was scootaloo's mom even it was just in her mind . mom i still love you alot but why cant i move on the depression still is there i dont want any pills so i picked the hard way because i dont want to be lost in taking them i dont want to be somepony else it would not be me i also heard it heard to get off them so i have to fight it be my self it hard but i can do it i seen that luna gave my wish a change i did see you in my dream and you was happy to hear how i got my cutie mark over and over but you kept smiing but you said you are sorry for not being with me any more you dont have to be sorry you are not to blame for what happend we played like we used to even rainbowdash was there you thanked her you talked to rainbow like she was a old friend you both laughted at some of the storys about me when i was just a baby what was embarasing but that what moms do when i was geting up i seen a smile on both of your faces i wonder why mom rainbow wants to adopt me is she trying to replace you whats going to happen to you will forget you altogether or is she doing it because she loves me and wants the best for me like a mom would i sort of look up to her like a mom now i mean you are my real mom but having her here as a mom i would not stop loving you what do i do i might give it a try who knows it would be nice having a mom again but i promise you will be my mom always and i ll always love you and i know that you still live me in my heart