Pulvis et umbra summus
by derpyhooves15
written as 1st person Celestia
As I stare out of my balcony onto the the ponies below, I grow sad. For them, life has a time limit. They can spend each day as their last and it may be so. They can have moments in there life of great pain and despair, but they will always be forgotten as they live through times of happiness. They remember what was good, because it was, for them, a once in a lifetime experience. That phrase is strange to me, "once in a lifetime". I am the great Princess Celestia, eternal ruler of Equestria who has destroyed all that threatens her land. I am loved by my subjects, and I will reign forever. They say that of me, but is it really that good a thing to hear. It means I can not have a once in a lifetime experience, for I have no lifetime. It means I cant love another besides my sister, because as I stay young and juvenile, they will grow old and have many tales to tell, then death comes.
Being eternal means many things, but few of them good. I have seen times of prosperity and times of destruction. But when somepony asks me of them, I can no longer remember. They held no significance to me, Ponies lived through them, I just existed. And yet, my subjects lay down their precious and short lives for me on a daily bases, even though nothing shall fell me. It brings me to question, would i take my life if I could? This question troubles me consistently. If my life could end, then I would have a purpose. I would have been noble for putting my life on the line when the chrysalis armada attacked our city, but with my immortality, I was just a failure. This means if my life could end, I would not end it, for I could find love and respect with noble cause.
Sometimes i wonder what Equestria would be like without my sister and me. The moon and sun would probably rise of its own accord, instead of being forced around by forms so much smaller than the great orbs in the sky. Certainly the Ponies would have found themselves a leader, who would be kind, wise and brave, and when he died, they would find another, and after him, another would still rise. These rulers could be perfect, because they will use there lives to make a name for themselves, thus doing great things for there subjects, yet I can not do this. Nopony remembers my moments of greatness, for I am still around, and they are only interested in my present life, and my predictable future. I know what will happen, and secretly, so do they. I will live on in a repetitive daily cycle until some great evil threatens my land. I will guide my ponies to defeat the evil, then my cycle will resume. This will always happen. What I would give to break the cycle, to live a little, then feel the cold but warming embrace of deaths cloak. Even now the cycle is evident, I am saying the same things to myself, I want to live then die, then I say it again, and then I want to love then die, which I say again.
Who could really love me. My subjects love me with there conditional love. But without my immortality I would be a weak ruler, and they would hate me. I could not even find romantic love without being eternal. When I am eternal, I have power and grace, they flock to me wanting to be with me. But take away my infinite existence, and then i am a lanky pail Pony with an over sized horn and clumsy wings. They would not want me so much then, I could bear children, knowing I will not outlive them, as I have in the past. I think now, do I really want death, yes, it would mean my life meant something, but I would rather do something else now I think. I would become my foal self again. I could be in my times of mortality, back before the curse of being a Princess was thrust onto me. I could be with my coltfreind again, and all my friends would be alive. Yes, that would be perfect. But sadly, it will never be.
Now as I look onto the streets below, I see a young filly, a Grey Unicorn, with blond hair, walk across a road. From no where a cart careens around the corner and hits her. Of course she is dead, ponies crowd around her and I hear screams of despair as her Pegasus mother lands clumsily at her daughters limp body. I would like myself to feel the mothers pain, and be sad, to run down to her and comfort her. But I look, and I feel nothing. My heart has grown cold as stone over the times, as I have watched so many life's cut short or beloved grandparents die out. The mother, feels despair and anguish at the moment, but when she grows old and frail, she will look back and see her short time with her daughter, and she will realize how happy those times were. This is what comes of being just dust and shadows. Your life will fade, and you will die, but the shadows of your life will shade ponies from the fire of your passing. They can say we are but dust and shadows, then feel happy. I cannot. there are many things I can say that to. They Love, I cannot. They die, I cannot. They live, I cannot. All these things I cannot do, and they still see me as the all powerful being in their life. I am Celestia, their god. I can say "we are but dust and shadows", but, it is not all true. Pulvis et umbra summus. Now, I live on, and on, and on, forever more in discontent.
Suicide, that is what I committed today. I stood there, signing the document, handing my rule over to Cadence, who for a few months has been nestled under my feeble wings, and I have given her, everything I could. She can raise the sun, and the moon, she can bring life to those who need it, and death to those who deserve it. Then, as my chest peace of honor was placed onto her body, I felt a sensation, both excruciating and exquisite. I felt myself die, and then, live a rebirth. My immortality was ripped out of my chest, and fed to cadence by a non physical presence. I fell to my knees, and there I stayed, reveling in the moment of release, before, a mortal life was placed upon me. Luna and Cadence ran to me, and the Ponies in attendance gasped and panicked. On there faces were expressions of fear and sadness, to see there great leader, fall, as she was removed from her rule, I even felt the warm tears of Cadence, dripping on my face. But I was neither sad nor afraid. I had been given life in its greatest form, life, with love and death.
Now I stand here thinking of what I did, and yet again a smile slithers onto my face. I did commit suicide, i made it so that i could die, after so long of existing in an immortal state. I feel free and happy, but most of all, I feel alive. Tomorrow, i will run through the streets, soar through canyons, and sit in homes, all the way across Equestria. I may just make idle conversation, or I may get into a fight with some beast of the non magical realms, but whatever I will do, I will remember, for my days are of a finite number once more, and I can love, live, and die.
The years have been good to me. At my side, a husband sleeps, and he was all I could ask for, love, but from his love came a foal, of impeccable beauty and kindness, who now sits at the side of Cadence, learning the ways of a royal. I live on my own farm and have had a life of virtue and quality, since I left Cadence upon the throne. And although I have done so much, in so little time, I remember every little detail, for the times were good, and now they draw to a close. Here I lie, in a warm bed, in a warm house, in the heartland of Equestria, and the world, but I feel cold. I know who is coming for me.
Soon, a figure will arrive, in a hooded cloak, carrying a gleaming scepter that takes life in his jaws. He comes for me, and me only. Evil death, dark death, sweet death? I wished for him for so long when I was eternal, and although i have only lived another 40 years on top of my 1000s of immortality, I now fear him. For he will take what is now mine. My love, I strove for love, and I found it, now he will take me from him and him from me, and me from her and her from me. My sister, my friends, my family and even my pets, will all lose me. And if my soul carries on, I will lose them. Death will take, my memories, and stories, then cast them to the wind. He will take what is me, and discard it, leaving only a shell of flesh and bone.
I have awoken to the sound of footsteps, but there is no one around me. My husband, still lies, his head in the pillow and his chest heaving. Around me blows dust, and the moon spreads beams onto my body. Without a sound, no creak from my frail bones, no moan as my body aches, I slip onto the floor, and walk with the posture of royalty, toward the foreboding door. I know who awaits me, I could feel him coming, and I was scared and cold. But now, I feel warmth. Not the warmth of my blood, but the warmth of happiness. He knows what is right for me. He knows my time is at an end. The door swings open, and he stands above me, smiling, caring, welcoming a friend he had waited to see for to long a time. He extends a hoof to me, and I except, with no fuss or questions. Although I am giving my soul to the unknown oblivion, tossing everything away. I feel content. And with a word of goodbye, and tear of joy, I am finished, and I am free.
