Please Nibble Responsibly
“Heave!” Pinkie Pie gasped. “Heeeaaave!” She dug her back hooves into the dirt, with a long, thin weed coiled around her front hooves. Pinkie pulled until her hooves turned white and her face turned blue.
Fluttershy lifted her wide-brimmed sun hat. “Oh, my. Do be careful.”
“Heeeeaaaavvve ho!” A flurry of dirt erupted as the weed came loose. Pinkie fell back onto the garden bed, huffing and panting. She lifted up her trophy, a wispy weed with a root at least two feet long. “Fear my mighty weeding powers!”
Fluttershy nodded, using her trowel to dig a small hole. “You could use the clippers next time if you want,” she said, pointing to the shears lying in the dirt near Pinkie. “For the ones that are too hard to pull out, that is.”
Pinkie stared at the shears and picked them up. “These would make it easier, yeah.” Pinkie wiped the sweat off her forehead. She pointed at a pot full of petunias on Fluttershy’s cart. “Say, mind if I have one or two of these?”
“Go right ahead. I think you’ve earned it.”
Pinkie lifted out the pot and selected one of the flowers, chomping down on it. She took her own sun hat off and used it to fan her face. As she chewed the flower, Pinkie glanced at Fluttershy’s ears. She swallowed. “Hey, Fluttershy?”
“Yes?”
Pinkie cleared her throat. “I dunno if you know about this or not, and I wasn’t sure if it was okay to mention it, but it’s really bothering me; your ear has a teensy weensy little bite mark in it,” Pinkie said. “It’s like either Mikey the mouse took a ginormous chomp, or Ginny the gator took a super small nibble.” She used her arms and hooves to illustrate the size of such a small nibble from an animal with such a large jaw.
Fluttershy giggled. “Oh, don’t be silly. Mikey has never tried to eat a pony.”
Pinkie set the shears down and scooted closer to Fluttershy, inspecting her ear. “It really does look like a bite mark. Does it hurt?”
“Oh no, not at all,” Fluttershy said. “Don’t worry, it’ll grow back.”
Pinkie poked Fluttershy’s ear. “If it wasn’t Mikey or Gerry, then who bit it?”
“Well, you know, it was, um,” Fluttershy said, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink. “Just Rarity.”
“Rarity?” Pinkie’s brow furrowed. “Why would Rarity do that? Was she that hungry? I thought you said you were going to a fancy restaurant last night. Didn’t they have food there? Or is it one of those restaurants where it’s so fancy, they don’t give you any food?”
“No, there was food. It was very nice,” Fluttershy said, lifting out a cluster of sunflowers and setting it into the hole. She pushed the dirt back around the flowers and patted it. “Rarity was just fooling around, is all, and she nibbled my ear.”
“Why?” Pinkie looked around. She set a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Was she mad at you?”
“No, it’s nothing like that at all,” Fluttershy said, smiling and stroking her mane. “It’s simply a silly little thing that ponies do when they’re in love.”
Pinkie backed away and sat in the garden bed. She wrapped her hoof around another weed and tugged at it. “Do they?”
“Well, they can, certainly.” Fluttershy shrugged. “It’s a playful thing, is all it is.”
“Playful, you say?” Pinkie squinted and rubbed her chin. “How playful are we talking? Cracking a clever joke playful? Professional competitive sports league playful? Chess playful? Checkers playful? Young at heart playful?” She puffed up her cheeks. “Adorable widdle kitten pawing at a teeny yellow yarn ball playful?”
“That one, almost. Close enough,” Fluttershy said. “It’s my favourite kind of playful, anyway.”
Pinkie nodded firmly. “Mine, too.”
“And that’s all it is,” Fluttershy said, picking up her watering can and passing it over the sunflowers. “Just a playful little thing two ponies do when they’re in love.”
“Just a playful little thing, huh?”
“Mm-hmm.”
Pinkie tugged some more at the weed, then reached for the shears. “Just a playful little thing.”
~ ~ ~
Pinkie only had to knock twice before the cloud-door to Rainbow Dash’s house swung wide open.
“Pinkie! Hey!” Rainbow gave Pinkie a quick peck on the cheek. “You made it!”
“Hiya, Rainbow,” Pinkie said, giving a small smile. She untied the balloons from her waist and hitched them to a cloud-pillar.
“You’re like ten minutes late.” Rainbow zipped off to the couch and swiped her controller off the ground. “I’ve been waiting for days to take back my title as the Pong champion. It’s about time that the real Pong master takes her rightful place and rises to the top once again.”
Pinkie nodded, closing the door behind her. Her special cloud-walking shoes made soft puffs as she strolled over to Rainbow’s couch. She sat down and made herself comfortable.
Rainbow’s hoof hovered over the knob on the controller. She perked an eyebrow at Pinkie and grinned. “You ready, hotshot? Ready to be taken down? Down and around? Down to the ground? Downward bound?”
“Yeah, sure,” Pinkie said, picking up the controller. “Yeah, uh, I’m gonna take you down, too. Downtown. Downville, really, ‘cause we live in Ponyville. Not Ponytown.” She shook her head. “Nope. No sirree bob. It’s a ville.”
Rainbow withdrew her hoof from above the controller. She set it down on her lap and poked Pinkie. “Hey, are you okay? You seem… distracted.”
Pinkie gnawed at her hoof, her eyes drifting from the television screen to Rainbow’s ears. Pinkie looked down at her controller, nudging the knob. Her white paddle moved up a bit, starting the game, but the ball went past her paddle almost immediately. ‘1’ flashed on Rainbow’s side of the screen. She lifted her hoof off of the controller. “I wanna give something a try,” Pinkie said, playing with a tuft of her mane. “Is that okay with you?”
Rainbow raised her eyebrows. “What’d you have in mind?”
“Well, I mean, you know, earlier today I was talking with somepony, and her ear looked kinda funny, like someone had bitten it, and it turned out that’s exactly what happened.” Pinkie shook her head, tapping her hooves together and turning away. “Like, her marefriend bit her ear. Like, just a little bit, though, on the tip, and not hard or anything, and it wasn’t because she was mad, it was because she was being playful, is all. Is that a thing?”
“Oh, you mean ear-nibbling?”
Pinkie whipped her head around. “You know about it, too?” She sat back on the couch and folded her arms, pouting. “Why does everypony know about this but me?”
Rainbow shrugged. “I dunno. You weren’t paying attention?”
“I’m always paying attention!” Pinkie threw her hooves up. The controller she was holding flew up into the air, landing on the cloud-carpet with a soft whump.
Rainbow set her own controller aside, shifting on the couch. “I didn’t mean to offend you or whatever. Geez.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just…” Pinkie slumped on the couch. “It’s what ponies in love do, right? I dunno. It’s just a playful thing.” She scanned a shelf in the corner, her eyes stopping at Rainbow’s favourite board game. “Wanna play Battlestratus instead?”
“Nah. You know what, Pinkie? Go for it,” Rainbow said, running a hoof through her mane and smiling. “I trust you. If you want to give it a try, I’m ready.”
“Well, okay,” Pinkie said. She straightened up on the couch. “Okay. Yeah.” She realigned herself, first changing her stance to a sitting position, then a standing position, then a sort of side-lean, then a crouch, then settling on the classic sit.
“Gettin’ cozy, there?”
“Uh huh.” Pinkie inhaled through her nose and relaxed her shoulders. “Here goes.” She took a quick glance around. Hesitating at first, she brought her mouth close to Rainbow’s ear.
Then, Pinkie nibbled.
It was a soft nibble, just barely a gnaw on the tip of Rainbow Dash’s ear. The deed done, Pinkie pulled back and studied Rainbow’s face. “That didn’t hurt, did it, Dashie?”
“Nope,” Rainbow said, folding her arms behind her head. “That was actually kind of nice. Never done that before.”
Pinkie examined the tip of Rainbow Dash’s ear. It didn’t have a visible bite mark yet. “Can I try it again?”
“Sure.”
She leaned in again and nibbled, this time attempting a second nibble. Then a third. She continued to gnaw, her ears folding back.
Rainbow grinned and rolled her eyes. “Having fun?”
“Yeah, actually,” Pinkie said between nibbles. “You’re kinda tasty. I dunno if you knew that.”
Rainbow chuckled. “Oh? What do I taste like?”
Pinkie scrunched up her nose. “I want to say marshmallow. It’s so light and fluffy and kinda sweet.” She took another nibble and licked her lips. “It’s not quite marshmallow, though. It still has some meat to it, you know? I mean, not meat meat—that’d be super gross. I’m just saying it’s a little rich and dense, sort of like a Double Dark Delectable Delight Chocolate Cake, but also smooth and light, like the creamy milk chocolate icing on a Double Dark Delectable Delight Chocolate Cake.” Pinkie gasped, taking another bite. “Like cake and frosting at the same time! It’s incredible!”
“What was that?”
“I said, ‘Like cake and frosting at the same time! It’—woooooah my gosh Rainbow!” Pinkie gaped. “Your ear’s gone!”
Rainbow put a hoof up to the side of her face, searching for her ear, but nothing was there. Only a smooth patch of light blue skin remained where her ear had once been.
“I’m so sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!” Pinkie jumped up, scurrying to hide behind the couch.
“I forgive you times five, geez,” Rainbow said. “It’s no big deal.”
Pinkie peeked out from behind the couch. “Are you sure? Doesn’t it hurt?”
Rainbow looked at her hoof and shook her head. “No, not at all.”
Pinkie crawled out, settling next to Rainbow on the couch cushions. “Are you one hundred percent positive? It isn’t sore at all? There’s not even a weird tingly feeling up there?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Rainbow said, staring at nothing in particular. “I’m just surprised, I guess.”
“Surprised? Just surprised? Your ear is completely gone off your head! Because I ate it! How are you not absolutely bewildered?”
“Well, I’m a bit bewildered, yeah. I mean, I didn’t think we were that close,” Rainbow said, her cheeks flushing red. She put her hoof on Pinkie’s. “I dunno about this, Pinkie. I mean, this is moving a little too fast, but if you’re cool with it, then I’m cool with it.”
“Cool with it? Did you not hear me?” Pinkie walked around to Rainbow’s intact ear and shouted, “I ate your ear!”
“Pinkie, chill, it’s okay,” Rainbow said, pushing her away. “It’ll grow back.”
“Dashie, you don’t understand the implications!” Pinkie grabbed Rainbow by the shoulders and shook her. “You’re edible! How are you alive? Were you a result of one of Twilight’s magical experiments gone wrong? Have you been cursed by an evil witch? Are you a cake-pony cyborg from the future sent back to the present and programmed to kill me, or are you programmed to save me, my plucky son, and his dated haircut?”
“Yeah, okay.” Rainbow lifted Pinkie’s hooves off and picked up her controller. “Ear-nibbling’s a no-no. Got it.”
“How many of you are out there? Or maybe it’s just you?” Pinkie paced across the room. “No, but Fluttershy’s ear had been bitten too, by Rarity.”
“Really? Huh. Rarity told me things weren’t getting serious.”
“Well if things weren’t getting serious, they will be now!” Pinkie bent down and covered her head with her hooves. “These are the most serious things ever! Have I been baking cakes with frosting for ponies made out of cake and frosting?” She slid down to the ground, pulling down her eyelids. “Have I been a cannibal all my life?”
“Seriously, Pinkie, chill.” Pong flashed up on the television screen, and Rainbow nodded towards Pinkie’s controller. “One-v-one me. Quit it with the cakes and cannibals and whatever.”
“No,” Pinkie said, standing up. She pushed the controller away. “No time for games. I need to know.”
“Kay. Have fun being all vague and mysterious.”
Pinkie squinted. “That’s what they all say.” She slithered across the cloud-carpet, sneaking out the door and closing it softly behind her.
“Hey, Tank!” Rainbow called out, looking around her and under the couch cushions. “You busy? I’m down an opponent, here, and you and Pinkie are like the only ones in this town that’re any good at this game.”
~ ~ ~
“Twilight?” Spike stood beside Twilight’s bed, adorned in his pajamas and holding a candlestick.
Twilight groaned, pulling the sheets in closer. “Mmm? What is it, Spike?”
“Twilight, I need to ask you something.” Spike set the candlestick down and wrung his claws.
Twilight stretched her neck, squinting out the window at the dark sky, which had only barely turned a deep blue. “The sun’s not even up yet.”
“I know. It’s, um, kind of urgent.”
“Mmm. Fine.” Twilight sat up and rubbed her eyes.
Spike fidgeted, twiddling his thumbs as he glanced at Twilight. “Why did Pinkie Pie come into our castle this early in the morning, and why is she eating your ear?”
Twilight turned to look. Pinkie sat next to her on the bed, affixed to her ear. Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “Pinkie?”
Pinkie stopped chewing and waved. “Morning, Twilight.”
Twilight blinked. “Pinkie?” Her eyes widened. “Pinkie, what are you doing?” Twilight shooed Pinkie away. Throwing off the covers, she rubbed the place where her ear had been and blushed. “I thought you were going out with Rainbow!”
“I needed to know,” Pinkie mumbled, her eyelids drooping halfway over her eyes. “And now I know.”
“Know what?”
“That my life is a lie and everyone I’ve ever met is a walking, talking cake-frosting hybrid.” Pinkie’s head tipped down. “I don’t know why we’re all cake-frosting hybrids, but there’s some comfort in knowing that it’s a fact of life, you know?”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Pinkie.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll grow back.” Pinkie yawned. “You know what they say. It’s just a playful little thing. Adorable widdle kittens and yarn balls and stuff.”
“Pinkie, you should go home. Now.”
Pinkie caught herself from nodding off. “Yes please.”
Twilight pushed the teetering Pinkie out the bedroom door, Spike following close behind. Pinkie skidded down the hallway and yawned. “You tasted good, by the way.”
“Pinkie, I don’t want to know.”
Pinkie’s head lolled back. “Bit of cinnamon in there, I think. Or nutmeg.”
“Pinkie.”
“Similar to everypony else, though.”
“Pinkie, I’m—” Twilight halted before she reached the front door. “ ‘Everypony else’? Oh, no. Pinkie, did you—”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
Twilight sighed. “Good grief.”
Spike pushed open the door to a crowd of ponies gathered around Twilight’s doorstep. All heads turned to the Princess of Friendship when she appeared. Applejack and Rarity were the first to come forward.
“Twilight!” Rarity said. “Everypony in town is having an affair, but nopony knows with whom!” Rarity gasped, putting a hoof to her chest as she spotted Twilight’s missing ear. “Heavens, not you too!”
“Yep,” Twilight said. “No affair, though.” She raised her voice so the whole crowd could hear. “None of you are having affairs with anypony.”
“Ya sure?” Applejack said. She took her hat off, her lips curling in a pout. “What, uh, what about a secret admirer?”
“Well, maybe,” Twilight said. “But the reason your ears are gone is not because everyone just happened to have an affair at the same time. That’d be astronomically coincidental.” She pointed at Pinkie. “She did it. Not with ill intent, though. She’s just never heard of ear-nibbling before, and she simply doesn’t understand it.”
Everyone sighed in relief and nodded.
“I understand. I remember the first time I discovered ear-nibbling,” Rarity said.
“I think we all do,” Twilight said. “Anyway, you can all go home now.”
The crowd dispersed and strolled back down the road to Ponyville. Pinkie started to follow, but Twilight pulled her back. “Pinkie, a minute, please?”
“Hmm?” Pinkie almost tipped over as Twilight stabilized her. “Why?”
Twilight rubbed her face. “Believe me, I’m as exhausted as you are, both physically from lack of sleep and emotionally after I thought you were cheating on Rainbow with me. But first, you need to tell me why you went around Ponyville in the middle of the night and nibbled everypony’s ears.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Pinkie said. “It’ll grow back. It’s just a playful little thing. Adorable widdle kittens and—”
“Pinkie, please.” Twilight held Pinkie’s head steady. “I need you to focus. Why’d you eat everyone’s ears?”
Pinkie’s brow wrinkled as she stared at Twilight’s lips, mouthing the question. Stirring awake, she narrowed her eyes as she straightened up. She jabbed a hoof at Twilight’s chest. “Why do your ears taste so good, huh? Answer me that!”
Twilight shrugged. “Taste is subjective. I like coffee. You don’t.”
“But ears? Tell me you didn’t know you could eat ears!”
“Oh yeah, I think just about everypony knows.”
Pinkie jabbed a hoof at Twilight’s chest. “Why are ears edible? Why!”
“They just are.” Twilight leaned back. “That’s how ponies have always been. Ponies’ ears are edible.”
Pinkie stomped her hoof to emphasize her words. “That doesn’t make any sense!”
“Weren’t you the one that taught me that things don’t always have to make sense?”
Pinkie glared at Twilight, snorting furiously, her pupils constricted into pinpoints. “I swear on Celestia’s one-thousand two-hundred and thirtieth birthday bonanza coming up in November, this better not be one big practical joke where everypony wore some cake-and-frosting franken-pastries shaped like ears for a whole night just to trick me into eating them and questioning everything I believe in!”
“Actually, wow, yeah.” Spike said. “That would’ve been one of the best pranks ever. Y’know, minus the questioning everything bit.”
Collapsing onto the ground, Pinkie let out the breath she was holding. “I wish it was a prank.” She sagged as she lay face-first on the doorstep. “Can I go home now?” she mumbled.
“Yes, please,” Twilight said, stepping out of her way.
“Thanks.” Pinkie hobbled off down the road to Ponyville. “If it’s a prank, I’m making a note in the friendship journal later that you’re all liars and jerk-faces. Right on the table of contents.”
“Okay, see you later.” Twilight waved goodbye. “C’mon, Spike, let’s get back to bed.”
“With pleasure.” Spike hopped up and ambled inside.
Twilight followed suit, rubbing her eyes and yawning. Just before closing the door, she stopped. “Hey, Spike?”
“Yeah?”
Twilight looked down the road at the stumbling Pinkie Pie. “Did you ever think it was weird that ponies’ ears are edible?”
“Nah.” Spike strolled onward. “I don’t question pony stuff. Not only can you can shoot magical lasers from your face, but you became a pony princess just by finishing a poem, and a free castle grew out of the ground as a result. And it’s not like Pinkie herself hasn’t pulled some weird stunts before. The whole ear-nibbling thing doesn’t faze me.”
“Fair enough.” With that, Twilight closed the castle door behind them.
