The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“Lafayette!” a sweet sounding voice calls to me from downstairs.

“Yeah Twi?” I respond to her from five rooms away.

“Somepony is here to see you.” she tells me as I roll out of bed.

“Tell ’em I’ll be there in just a minute.” I shout as I slip a greasy T-shirt over my head and throw a pair of rumpled shorts on. “I’m coming.” I grumble as I sleepily trudge out of my room, through our house, and into the library. “So who wants to see m-” I’m cut off by a sudden stream of Greek.

-HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M FINNALY GOING TO GET TO TALK TO YOU! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!- Lyra squeals.

“What on Earth is she saying?” Lizzie asks nervously and backs away from the spastic sea foam green mare in front of us.

“Nothing important.” I tell Twilight. -Now shut up and sit down or leave!- I shout at Lyra in her own favorite tongue.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes and takes a seat, “but I’m just so excited to talk to you! I tried to before but when I first saw you I went a little over the edge and then later you teleported me away and the-”

“Yes,” I interrupt her rambling, “I remember, I was there. Now want do you want.”

“I want to interview you!” Lyra happily exclaims.

“Oh Jesus Christ…” I mutter. “Fine, let’s get this started.” I sit down next to her and hold my head in my hands. “What do you wanna know?”

“A buncha things.” She replies.

“Shoot.” I deadpan.

“Why are you here?”

“To fuck bitches and get money.” I answer sarcastically.

“Wut?”

“I’m here because God had this complicated plan to fuck shit up and it involved me being killed on Earth and sent here to fix a few things and prepare for the necessary parts arrival.”

“Uh…Ok then.” The mint green mare decides to skip to a new question. “What’s it like having fingers?” she asks.

“Now how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?”

“Um… so what’s it like having opposable thumbs?” she jumps to yet another stupid ass inquiry.

“What’s it like having flexible hooves?” I ask.

“Err… so how are you liking Equestria.”

“I fucking love this place,” I tell her, “I have two wonderful wives, three great sons, and two loving daughters. My life here is better than it ever was back home.”

“Ahh…”

“So?”

“So… how’s the weather treating you?”

I facepalm and laugh. “You have no good questions to ask do you?”

“Nope,” Lyra confesses, “not really.”

“LYRA!” we both look over at the door as my interviewers name is shouted. Standing outside is a very pissed off looking Bon Bon.

“Come on in.” Lizzie says as Twi opens the door and lets the furious filly in.

“Thank you,” Bon Bon stops long enough to smile at my wives but soon returns to glaring at her own spouse. “Lyra! We’re supposed to be going out for dinner! Not pestering our neighbors!”

“But-” Lyra argues.

“No buts!” Bon Bon interjects. “Now we are going out to eat and that is final! You can come and bother Lafe later but for right now you’re mine.”

“Fine,” Lyra concedes and gets up, “you win this time candy ass.” She mutters as she trots towards the door.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” Bon Bon shouts.

“Nothing!” Lyra defends herself. “Nothing at all dear!”

“Good, now let’s go.” Bon Bon holds the door open as her wife scurries past her and outside. “Sorry to bother you,” she apologizes to me, “you know how she can get when it comes to humans. Oh well, bye!” and with that Bon Bon follows Lyra outside, her confection covered derriere bumping the door closed as she leaves.

A moment of silence engulfs the room and Twi and Lizzie look over at me.

“That was…” Twilight begins.

“Odd.” Lizzie finishes.

“Weird shit is weird.” I quip as my wives stare at me.

“How’s pizza sound for lunch?” Lizzie asks after a moment.

“Sounds good.” I say.

“Let’s go.” Twi adds.

I get up and follow my beautiful brides out the door and into town for some supper, leaving all thoughts of my random encounter behind in the library along with my keys.

This takes place a few weeks after chapter 99.