The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Two Alicorns and a squadron of guards look up as I fall from the rapidly closing portal; they immediately look at the Lafe who is preparing to kill Discord.

“What the actual buck?” some guard asks as I land on the ground next to the Jeff possessed me.

‘What the fuck indeed.’ I think as I rip Jeff from my grasp and push myself back. I rush myself and in one swift stab with my left hand I end my own life. I stand up and walk away from the dissolving husk that was me from the past, me from now is here to stay.

I bust the magical wall around Discord and free him just as he asked me to earlier that night. He got his wish… kind of. I help him up to his feet. He reels back and away from me but I just grin, that’s all it takes to melt away the fear I’ve bestowed in him.

“Are you…Am I… did Jeff and Dulcie..?” he stutters and waves his hands about. “Celly… Celly!” he looks at his estranged sister and lover and then at me. I just nod and smile. The god of chaos runs to the goddess of light, a few guards move to intercept him but Celestia orders them to stand down as she flies to meet Discord in the middle of the garden. They collide into a passionate embrace that I fear will soon get a bit too passionate. Thankfully they don’t go any farther than holding each other in their arms.

I stroll past the reunited couple and over to my in-law.

“Sorry for the trouble bro…ther.” I save myself as I see the irritation on his face. “Eh, I’ll make it up to you… somehow.” I chuckle nervously as Shining orders his men, erm, ponies back to their barracks.

“Don’t worry about it…Bro.” he punches me softly, but not too softly, in the thigh and points at Celestia and Discord. “Now what’s this all about?”

“Oh them? They used to be lovers until a demon tainted Discord’s mind and drove him insane,” I see the look on Shining’s face. “Relax I yanked the bastard right out of his chest, Discord is fine, still Discordant but no longer evil at least.

“OK,” shining says doubtfully. “So where is the demon now?”

“It’s nestled deep in my subconscious telling me what to do and who to kill.” I flash my brother a toothy smile and giggle a bit. “It’s no big deal though; I got a punker angel and a faggot in there too keeping him in check.” I wave a finger in circles next to my head and grin at Captain Armor.

“Eh, weirder shit has happened here, when Twi was just five she summoned Hades from Tartarus because was working and she had no one to play tea party with. Fun fact: the lord of the underworld prefers chamomile tea and peanut brittle over all other such drinks and snacks.”

“Hmm, I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever meet him, I enjoy sweet iced tea with as much sugar as tea myself.”

Shining and I trade recipes for tea as we walk over to check on the happy, very happy (Dammit Discord! Wear some pants man! Oh holy fuck it’s barbed at the tip. How…kinky, no wonder why Molestia, uh, I mean Celestia likes him.), couple.

“Hey you two love birds! Break it up for a minute and for God’s sake Discord cover up!” I groan as Discord’s manhood (Draconequushood?) swings low between his legs. Thank the lord, he snaps his fingers and covers himself… with a floral muumuu. Whatever, at least I don’t have to see his dick hanging out anymore. Shining seems much more traumatized than I, obviously the scene has made him a bit self conscience about size, and holds back as I walk up and shake Discord’s lion hand.

“Sorry ’bout killing you back there, twice, and then cannibalizing your one body, and then the other body, and for stealing your wallet.” I hand him a leather wallet with a long chain on it. He takes it and is about to slide it into a pocket on his muumuu when he clears his throat. “Oops, almost forgot.” I pull a wad of bills from my pocket, US dollars, Yen, Euros, Pesos, and for some reason a shit load of monopoly money. “Here you go.” I hand him the wad of cash. “We cool?”

He scratches his Fu Manchu beard and ponders the question.

“Why the hell not?!” he sweeps me up in a crushing bear hug and proceeds to give me an epic noogie, I fear my head will be pink for the rest of my natural life.

Celestia joins the hug and kisses Discord on the chin and me on the cheek.

“Hey now, I’m married. If you wanna do anything like that you have to ask Twilight first.” We all laugh, all of us except for poor Shining who stands back awkwardly and watches the strange group hug. “Hey,” I shout at him. “Get in one this bro.” Slowly and cautiously he trots over and places one hoof on my hip and the other on Discord’s lower back. We stay like this until the flash of Paparazzi cameras force us to move out of the gardens and into Celestia’s room. Shining curtly excuses himself saying that he must get home and ‘take care’ of Cadance, Celly quietly laughs at the obvious meaning of the phrase. Luna stops by to make sure we’re OK and bid us goodnight, a few politicians knock but Celestia sends them off. ‘I’ll explain tomorrow.’ She tells them. Finally we are alone and can talk freely.

In Tia’s personal chamber we discuss everything that had happened to me and how Discord’s taint was now torn from his mind and placed in mine. Celly thanks me for my actions and Discord pats me on the back. ‘Good job son.’ He says to me. He’ll never know how happy that simple phrase makes me. Cadance sends a scroll asking for Twilight and I to meet her to tour her laboratory next week, ‘For sure.’ the letter confirms.

Celestia takes her leave as she must raise the sun soon; Discord complains how sore he is. I say my goodbyes and leave the two be, I’m sure they have ‘things’ to do before the day officially begins. By ‘things’ I of course mean dirty, kinky, sexy, sun goddess/chaos god sex. Or maybe they really have other stuff to do… nope I think that as soon as I leave they’ll start fucking. The sounds that emanate from her majesty’s room as I walk down the corridor prove me right. I knew it.

I stop at Luna’s room and apologize for bothering her earlier and also for not yet actually talking to her. As I stand at her door I notice the impressive collection of video games she has. Luna notices my noticing and offers to play a few rounds of Pony combat with me. An hour later I say goodbye to her and apologize profusely for beating her in Mareo cart so many times. She just chuckles and invites me to come over and play anytime I want. I don’t quite notice the wink at the end of the sentence.

I teleport home and land in the kitchen to the approval and applause of both Starbright and Thaddeus and the shock of Twilight. My unannounced entrance causes her to drop a plate of pancakes and burn herself on the still hot stove. I catch the flying flapjacks with my magic with grabbing Twi and pulling her close to me. I set the breakfast food down on the table and massage where she burned her side, within a second the burn is gone.

“Where have you been?” Twilight asks me.

“Nowhere, everywhere, maybe somewhere in-between and good God am I glad to be back now and right here.” I lean over and kiss Twilight on the lips and silently thank Dulcie. I miss my old life, I always will, but I wouldn’t trade this for the world.