The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I stand up and turn to see Celestia on her throne, or should I say Soulless Sun?

“Beautiful day isn’t it?” I ask the demonized version of Celestia in front of me. “A bit warm for my liking, but what can you do? It’s not like someone raises the sun and controls the temperature or anything,” I pour sarcasm into my voice and my lips curl into a smile when Soulless Sun glares at me. “Oh wait a tic! Someone can do that, and by someone I mean you.” I walk up until I’m standing just a foot away from her. “So tell me Celly, why the fuck are you trying to kill us all today? Did we offend you? Did we prove to be evil and in need of cleansing by fire? Did somepony piss in your cheerios and kick your puppy?”

“You have done nothing of the sort, but he has.” Celestia’s mouth moves but it is not her voice that comes out.

“Shit.”

/\/\/\

In the other end of the Canterlot castle princess Luna is relaxing in her room, drinking a bottle of Mac’s hard cider, munching on a moon pie, and trying to beat her high score on her favorite video game.

“150, 765,982,340 points,” She reads the score aloud in excitement. “150, 765,982,596 points, soooo close! Only another fifty points aaannnddd….” Her attempt at calling her achievement out as it occurs is ruined by a scream, a loud crash, and a human sized figure soaring through the wall of her room and into her entertainment center.

“…” Luna stares, mouth open and eyes wide, at the figure as he lifts himself up and out of the debris and brushes some dust off of his sleeve. The human projectile, who Luna now recognizes as none other than sergeant Lafayette Ryder, steps out of the ruined wooden shelving and starts towards the door. When he notices Luna he nods his acknowledgement of her and mumbles under his breath.

“Your sister is really pissing me off.”

With that non sequitur he opens the door and leaves a shell shocked princess of the night behind to gape at her precious electronic activities which are now broken beyond either recognition or repair.

“Motherbucking plothole!” Luna finally screams into the abandoned hallway a minute later before going back to mourning her losses.

\/\/\/

I walk back through a labyrinth of corridors and hallways until I reach the throne room again. Celestia is still sitting on her throne and smiling just as she was when she knocked me halfway to Bufu fucking Egypt with her goddamn magic.
She sees me and her horn lights again in preparation to blast me away again but I have a few tricks up my ass…er… my sleeve I mean.

“Well,well,well,” she says mockingly. “Have a nice trip? Enjoy the fall? Suck any juicy cocks?” I ignore the odd questions and shout at her.

“Fuck this Jeffery, imma just kill this stupid bitch and you at the same time!” I charge Soulless sun and tackle her as she stands to confront me. Wrestler’s instinct kicks in and I drop low, catch her in a perfect double-leg blast, and slam her into the ground. She gasps first as the air is knocked straight out of her and then again as I fall onto her side.

“I really fuckin’ hate you Jeffery, but I’d rather have you in my mind where I can keep an eye on you and control you than have you out and about raping minds and fucking up shit wherever you go!” I grab a hold of Celestia’s horn in my left hand, causing her to moan in pleasure, and siphon off all the evil in her mind into my own.

I start to seize as I finish sucking the extra personalities from Celestia, I’m only used to having three in my mind and having six is sending me into overload. I thrash around on the floor until Dulcie’s voice calms me down a bit. I shift through my thoughts as I lie on the cold stone of the throne room floor and take account of everyone in my mind.

Me.

Dulcie.

Dallas.

Jeffery, who is part of me. Or maybe I’m a part of him… whatever.

Soulless sun, who I lock into a dust, cobweb filled corner of my mind.

Half of Molestia, the ‘rape and skullfuck everyone’ part.

Half of Trollestia, the ‘kill everyone ’cause that would be hilarious part. This fuses with the half of Discord in my mind to create a fully chaotic personality that I dub /B/.

And strangely I find another personality I don’t recognize, this anomaly flees my inner eye before I can scrutinize it but remains somewhere in my mind.

I shake off the unexpected crowding of my mind and sit up. Across from me Celly lies smoking a cigar.

“That,” she tells me. “Was hot.”

I rub my eyes tiredly and stand up.

“Fix the goddamn sun and buy your lil sis a new wall and some new video games, I’m going home.” I say quietly.

“Bye…” Celly starts to say more but I leave her midsentence; I just want to go home at the moment.

<><><>

By the time I get back to Ponyville the sun has returned to where it should be in the sky and the temperature is back to normal. I land right outside of the library and walk in to find Rarity and a sleeping Toby watching the boys. I look at them blankly. Rarity taps her husband on the shoulder waking him up and returns to playing with the boys.

“Oh, you’re home. Well twilight’s out and about, seems Mayor Mare needed her to help with something important. We were already here so she asked us to foalsit for you.” Toby tells me before nodding off to sleep again.

“Thank you.” I say gloomily. “I think imma just head to bed.” I tell them. Rarity smiles at me and the boys say goodnight.

I drag myself into my room where I fall onto the bed and straight to sleep without even undressing or getting under the covers. I dream about Lizzie’s funeral, about Dulcie’s (My daughter not the angel) death on a motorcycle, about some random fella offing himself in the night.

Needless to say my slumber wasn’t very restful.