To Russia with love

I walk into the library with Twilight and address Viktor in Russian.

-Hello, I’m sergeant Lafayette Ryder.-

Viktor stands up and shakes my hand.

-Viktor Kalashnikov at your service, sir.-

He sits back down one his chair and Twi and I sit together on a love seat. Viktor looks from me to twilight to Thaddeus.

-Did you two…-

-Yes, deal with it.-

-Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.- he switches to English.

“Would either of you by any chance be able to send me home? He asks.

“Maybe, first I need to know the last thing you remember before you got here.”

“Why?”

“Well I got here after I died, if the same thing brought you here I can’t send you back if they know you’re dead.”

“Well fuck,” he swears. “Now that I think of it I’m pretty sure I did die.”

“How?”

“The last thing I remember is eating a piece of chicken and not being able to swallow or breath.”

“Ah, OK,” I say. “In that case I think I can send you back. When you get home I’ll make sure you aren’t choking alright, this will all just be a weird memory…”

“Actually, I’d prefer not to remember it at all.” he interrupts me.

“Fine, so anyway, you’ll be back, you won’t choke, and you won’t remember a thing about all of this. Sound good?”

“Sounds great.”

I hold Viktor by the shoulders and concentrate deeply.

“I smell bacon!” Thaddeus shouts and I look up to see that Viktor is no more and that the room does in fact smell of bacon.

“I sure hope that guy’s OK.” Toby says without much emotion.

“Don’t be silly, dear,” Rarity scolds him. “I’m positive that Lafayette knew what he was doing and that Viktor is fine… Right Lafayette?”

“Nope,” I confess. “I’m with Toby boy on this one, I have no clue how that spell worked or if our Russian comrade is alright. I’ll be praying for him though.” I close my eyes for a few brief moments. “OK, praying’s done; let’s go find this other human. Rarity, Toby, would you two mind watching the boys for a while longer for us?”

“Of course darling.” Rarity agrees.

“Bye.” Twilight and I say as we leave.

“Good luck!” Rarity calls out to us.

“Bye bye momma,” Starbright shouts.

“Bye bye daddy,” Thaddeus hollers.

We wave at them all and start walking towards Whitetail woods.

<><><>

On another world, in another time a slightly obese Russian man in great need of a shower sits picnicking in a local park with his family.

-Pass the chicken please Nicolai- he asks his youngest child in his native tongue.

-Here you go papa- the boy says as he hands over a wicker basket filled with home cooked fried chicken.

-Thank you my boy- the man pats his son on the head with one hand and holds a chicken leg with the other.

-This is very good chicken…- he starts to tell his wife but a bone lodged in his throat stops him from finishing. He tries to cough or even breathe but fails to do so, all he can manage is to clench at his throat as the lack of oxygen starts making him dizzy. His son starts smacking him on the back but it’s too late. The man keels over and lays there for a second before his oldest son rolls him over and forcefully removes the chicken that his father was choking on. The man’s wife starts to administer CPR while his only daughter sobs and prays. His boys stare at him for a moment and the younger of the two joins his sister in tear while the eldest fights back the feminine emotions he’s felling.

-Is he OK- someone shouts from the sidewalk.

-NO- the eldest boy shouts back. -He’s choked on some chicken, I got it out but now he’s not breathing- the man who was shouting jogs over as fast as his elderly body can carry him.

-I am a doctor- he says. -Let me see him-

The dying man’s wife removes herself from her husband’s body and the doctor goes to work. A minute later the family fears the worst but a hacking cough relieves them of their worry.

-Are you OK, sir- the doctor asks the man.

-Yes, yes, just fine- the man replies. -Thank you so much, you saved my life-

-Think nothing of it sir, it’s what I do- the doctor says as he walks away.

The man’s family crowds around him, weeping in joy and hugging him.

-Did you see heaven, dear- asks the man’s wife.

-No- he admits. -I fell into a world of brightly colored, talking horsies and met a man married to a unicorn that sent me back here- the man stops speaking when he sees the worried expressions of his family. -I blame the vodka- he points at a near empty bottle that he had been drinking earlier. -I think I’m going to quit- the members of his family smile and return to their meal. The man finishes his chicken but takes care to chew each bite very thoroughly before swallowing it.

-Talking colored ponies and a man of magic- he thinks to himself, -How utterly ridiculous- and forgets such odd things for good.

<><><>

Twi and I reach the woods and spend very little time looking for the next human, we find him lying in a ditch passed out after just five minutes of searching. I pick him up and carry him home on my shoulders.

Once we’re back at home Rarity and Toby leave and I put the young man we found in the guest bed. He’s still out cold and we decide not to wake him.

“I’m sure he’s been through plenty, good chance he’s in shock. We should let him rest and talk to him whenever he gets up on his own.”

Night draws close so we eat and put the boys to bed. Just as Twilight is about to go to bed herself we hear him waking up. He walks slowly through the hallway, nervously looking into every room, until he sees us.

“Hello,” I say in a pleasant tone. “Have a seat.” I nod towards the various chairs and furniture in the room. He sits down and twiddles his thumbs a bit before speaking.

“Where am I?” he stutters badly but I assume it’s just from the shock of being here.

“You’re in Equestria.”

“You are you two?”

“I’m sergeant Lafayette Ryder and this is my wife Twilight Sparkle.” He looks confused and a little disturbed at my introduction but shakes it off.

“How’d I get here?”

“Well now that I don’t quite know. What’s the last thing you remember doing before you landed here?”

“I…” he falters and stops short.

“It’s OK,” Twilight calmly reassures him. “You can tell us.”

“I… I shot myself, I committed suicide.” He chokes back tears and buries his face in his hands.

“Why would you do that?” Twilight asks aghast at such a notion. I just look at this man, this boy more likely, and think ‘Damn, he looks familiar’.

“I just couldn’t take it,” he starts explaining. “Every day the people at school would torture me, every night my own father would berate me and tell me I was no son of his. Finally I got feed up and ended it, buts it seems like I couldn’t even do that right.” He breaks down and bawls now.

“Son,” I say and he looks up at me. “What’s your name?”

He catches his breath and speaks.

“Turner, my name is Dallas Turner.”