The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

“In you go boys.” I say as I hold the front door open for them. Orion and Dazzle wave at us from inside their living room while Thaddeus and Starbright shuffle in.

“Why do we have to stay here for the next two weeks daddy?” Thaddeus asks me innocently.

“It’s mating season son, time for grownups to have some fun while the kids are away, now I’m sure you two will have fun here and behave well for grandma and grandpa.” I kneel down and hug them both.

“Love you daddy,” they say as one, “We’ll miss you!”

“Love you too.” I stand up and watch as they walk over to their grandparents and get offered cookies and milk right of the bat. I chuckle and walk back outside to the truck with Twilight and Dulcie in it.

“Why’d you have to tell them about mating season?” Twilight asks moodily. We had waited until the last possible minute to bring the boys here, Twilight didn’t want them to leave but now that her heat is starting to kick in the only worry on her mind is about something else entirely.

“I’m not going to lie to the kids, Twi.” I tell her as we all get in the truck. “I hated when people lied to me as a kid and I was smart enough to know that my folks were bullshitting me when they said they were just ‘wrestling’ or playing ‘twister’ in their bedroom. I’d rather have my kids be slightly scarred by the knowledge that their parents have sex than hate me for lying to them after they find out why we dump em off here every spring. Besides, I couldn’t think up a good lie quick enough.”

“UGH!” I turn back to see why Dulcie’s groaning so exasperatedly.

“What’s your problem?” I ask her.

“You’re talking about sex and I’m right here!”

“So? We have conversations about it all the time and it’s never bothered you before.”

“Yeah I know… but now, I mean… it’s just…UGH!” Dulcie groans again and leans against the door as I pull away from Twi’s parent’s house. I turn to Twi.

“What hormone do female ponies have?”

“Um, Estrous. Why?”

“Oh I was just wondering, supposedly human women’s hormones can change if they’re around other women and I wondered if that was why Dulcie’s acting so bitchy.”

“I can hear you asshole!” she mumbles from the back seat.

“Love you too sweetie!” I shout at her.

“So…um…” Twilight whispers nervously as her eyes flick back and forth from me to my daughter. “Do you think that we could…um, make a little pit stop before we leave Canterlot?”

“No problem, where do you need to go?” I ask her cruelly, I know exactly what she has planned but I think I’ll make her beg a bit first.

“Um, well just take a left here and a right at-”

“Twilight, just tell me where to go and I’ll go there. I’m not stupid; I know my way around this town. So where to?”

“Well,” she hesitates and looks back at an uninterested Dulcie, “maybe the palace?”

“The palace?” Dulcie sits up and looks at Twi. “Can I come with?” Twilight whimpers and I facepalm.

“Dulcie,” I say, “the reason Twilight wants to stop at the palace is because of the whole heat thing and she wants to-” Dulcie cuts me off.

“Ewww! No, I just wanted you to drop me off at the castle.”

“OK, why?” I ask even though I already guessed why.

“No reason, I just want to… um… visit the gardens is all.” she lies.

“Well Ok then, I just hope for your sake that the bushes are nice and trimmed and that the flowers are blooming.”

“WHAT THE HELL DAD?!?” she shouts.

“What the fuck is your deal today?” I ask her. “You say you want to see the gardens and I say I hope they look nice so you yell at me. Hell I should make you walk.” She fluffs her wings a bit. “Fly, whatever.”

“Sorry,” she grumbles, “I just really want to go visit the observatory.”

“Gardens.” I correct her.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

I chuckle as we pull up to the front gates of the castle and Dulcie jumps out.

“Tell princess Luna I said hi!” I yell to her as she flies in the opposite direction of the gardens. I hear her groan as she leaves.

“That was mean.” Twilight tells me as we get out of the truck.

“But fun.” I retort while taking the steps two at a time towards the door. I wait for Twi and hold the door for her like a gentleman. Once inside a guard asks us to follow him to her majesty’s personal chambers. It’s all Twilight can do to not squee on the way up. I just smile and follow my beautiful wife up the stairs thinking all the while.

‘I’m a man of my word Celestia.’