The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Waking up with a hangover is nothing new to me, waking up in my boxers with two ponies curled up beside me, not so familiar.

What I had mistaken for a hangover is just the leftover pain from my recent fight with gravity. The soreness of my throat must be from nearly drowning. Heh, two near death incidents in as many days, you’d think that was a personal record but you’d be wrong.

I sit up, carefully so I don’t wake Twilight or Fluttershy, and stretch. My muscles ache and my whole body is sore. I look down at myself as I stretch and flex. Three hundred pounds of muscle in a six foot plus body. A few decades of working out and several years in the marines were partially to blame; the rest of the fault lies in genetics.

I ease myself off of the couch, I’ll be damned it actually held me, and stumble past the kitchen and into a bathroom. I have to kneel in the shower because the ceiling is so low, I’ve been walking hunched over so far, and I have to bend down to splash water on my face from the sink. The toilet was just like the one at Twilights; oddly shaped and low to the ground. A pony could just sit on their haunches to use it but a human… let’s just say it was the most delicate and difficult shit I’ve taken in a while and leave it at that.

I find my pants and shirt clean and dry on the coffee table but my side arm and rifle are both missing. I don’t want to wake Twilight up but I need to know where my guns are. The last thing I need is someone shooting the place up, that’s my gig!

I gentle poke Twilight a few times, she stirs and turns over. I poke her again, not so gently, and she mumbles something and drifts back to sleep. I shake her shoulder rather aggressively, she snores.

Fuck this.

“TWILIGHT!”

My shout wakes Twilight and Fluttershy, both of whom jump several feet in the air. Fluttershy flaps her wings lightly and looks Twilight in the eye. I don’t know how but these ponies seem to defy physics on a daily basis; Twilight is hovering above the ground without using her magic. Fluttershy looks down briefly and Twilight follows her gaze. That’s all it takes.

Gravity takes hold of Twilight and brings her crashing down; my reflexes are put to the test as I lunge forward and catch Twi just before she lands.

Fluttershy squeaks and drops down to make sure that Twilight and I are OK. After a few minutes we all sit down, Twi and Fluttershy on the couch and me on the floor (I’d rather not take any more chances with pony furniture.), and begin to talk after I assure them that I’m Ok.

I introduce myself to the real Fluttershy as Rainbow dash flies in. Fluttershy offers her a seat and we jump back into the conversation.

“So you’re not a pony?” Fluttershy speaks so soft I can barely hear her; I have to ask her to repeat herself twice before I know what she is saying.

“No, I’m a human…”

“You look like a hairless monkey.” Rainbow interrupts me with her opinion.

“Humans are related to apes but we’re a different species all together.” I notice that Twilight has a quill in her magical grasp and is scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment.

“Uh huh, so where did you say you’re from?” Ever the scholar Twilight jumps straight into an interview.

“The United States of America, on the continent of North America, on the western side of the planet Earth. I don’t think it matters where I’m from beyond that, I’ve moved several times and been around the world. This place is as much home as anywhere else.”

“Do you like animals?”

“Yes Fluttershy, I love animals. I’ve had several dogs and a couple cats back home.” Fluttershy nods contently at my answer and resumes her silence.

“How cool are you?”

“What?” Rainbow dash is now in my face, staring me down while she waits for an answer. Twi and Fluttershy both look down at us, neither one sure what to make of their friends sudden outburst.

“I mean how talented you are, how cool, how awesome, how whatever you call it. How cool are you?” I think I get the picture.

“Four year varsity heavyweight wrestler, three year varsity tackle on the football team, two years undefeated heavyweight boxer during collage, and a master gunnery sergeant in the U.S. Marine Corps. I’ve gone to state three times and nationals twice for wrestling and boxed against professionals. After collage and before I joined the marines I got into MMA fighting, I stopped after I broke a man’s neck during a professional fight. Is that enough ‘coolness’ or should I go on?”

All three of the mares in the room look shocked at my last statement.

Rainbow nods her head slowly, evidently my ‘coolness’ was more than she expected. I keep eye contact with her as she lowers herself to the floor.

“The last thing was an accident, I didn’t mean to ups…” Halfway into my apology Rainbow hops back in front of me and begins shouting.

“1st place winner of every race in flight school, finalist of twelve flying marathons and winner of the Equestrian 500 last year. Future wonder bolts member and the ONLY Pegasus in Equestria to perform a sonic rain boom!”

Rainbow huffs and puffs as she lowers herself to the floor again. I guess she’s one of those people that can’t stand to be outclassed. Seeing all the emotions in her and how easily I could tear her down brought the sadist in me out. This is going to be fun.

“Four years as captain of the cross country team, thirty eight marathons, the new York marathon among them, and a finalist in the Tour de France. You can’t compete with me, I can prove it.”

Rainbow glares at me, spits on her hoof and holds it out.

“Prove it, you can’t.”

I hawk and spit on my own hand and shake her hoof, before Twi or Fluttershy can stop us we’re out the door. Talking can wait, my guns can too, this is a matter of pride and cruelty. The look on her face when I show her whose best, oh it’s going to be delightful.

“A race, from here to Sugercube Corner in town.”

“Fine, but no wings.”

“Deal.”

Twilight picks up on what’s going on and orders us to get ready at the line she draws in the dirt.

“Ready.”

“You’re going down.”

“Set”

“We’ll see.”

“GO!”

Twilight waves her front hooves in the air and we’re off.